[Marchingforward]

Hi Surviving

I wanted to return many times but my ex h had moved on and I didn’t want to cause him more devastation than I had already, but yes the feeling of wanting back was a real and strong one until the fog pulled me back. I obviously hadn’t settled my issues.

Thanks for the insight. What would it have been like for you if he hadn’t moved on? I’m working  hard to detach emotionally but I would still like my h to come home at some point. I’m quite dim with him now which is very different from how I’ve been this past 18 months

[Treasur]

We may have to just agree to disagree on this one, Nah. And I'm sure others will have their own opinion.

It seems like quite a shift from where ShockSis's head was just a few weeks ago. I assume as she said that much more was said in the actual conversation than posted here.

But if I replace MLC with PTSD, in my own experience, saying that my PTSD behaviour was sometimes not fully in my control was a context for explaining to others why I behaved as I did. Didn't undo it or excuse it and healing from it absolutely needed me to start taking full responsibility for my own choices and the damage I had caused to some friendships. But it helped other people understand that when I was a truly crappy friend and daughter and niece and human, and I was for a good while, it wasn't bc I woke up one morning and did that for no reason or bc of anything anyone else did or didn't do.

Makes sense to me that MLC is much the same principle.

[megogirl]

I don’t believe MLC is anyone’s “fault.”  As Sis says, it’s a necessary evil. 

Perhaps that’s why I continue to feel compassionate for XH, regardless of how awful he’s been. I just think it’s the humane way to be. 

I also expect a mammoth apology....someday.

[Shockandawe]

Nah

My actions were my own and I fully accept that and I told my ex h exactly that.
I don’t know what else you want apart from my blood maybe?
Thing is if I hadn’t gone through MLC I would never have done what I did and if you cannot understand the two are inextricably linked I don’t know how else or what else I can do or say to somehow get this through to you.
I have done what I have done and I have no further reason to explain or try to you

[beyondblessed]

Bravo, ShockSis.  We can argue all day about personal responsibility, but that will get us absolutely nowhere because it's just that:  personal.  Just because we have our own definition of what something should be, doesn't mean someone else has that same view or definition.   Take "love" for example.....people push all kinds of different ideas about that around and get pissy when others don't agree.  It's called growing up and letting others have their opinions and ideas, while not letting them disturb your own.

Hopefully,  your apology gave your xh the closure...or whatever it was he may have needed.  No matter what, we are all still individuals and we all still function as such.  There is no one size fits all for the LBS or the abandoner.

[Not Applicable]

If she sees it that way, that's what she is going to tell him. What else do you expect?

That said, I think it is highly inappropriate and manipulative to tell a man who is married to another woman that you love him, especially if you want him back. Kind of like what OM did, isn't it?

[Nas]

ShockSis, if I may,

I think it’s the way you speak to people who challenge you that is off putting. Look at what you wrote to Nah. It is defensive In a way that stonewalls the challenger and seeks to silence them.
As opposed to saying “I had an MLC. I made choices during that time that I regret. I could have made other choices, but I didn’t and the choices I made caused pain.”
You are describing MLC like some kind of demonic possession over which you had absolutely no control of yourself, and that kind of description is what is causing the questions you’ve been getting.
No one is posting on your thread simply to harass you. People are trying to understand. And your explanations continue to sound like you are saying you were under the complete control of an unseen force and not in control of your own mind or body. That doesn’t sound like accountability, it sounds like justification. Which is why many people are still seeking further explanation and clarification from you.

When you get into the defensive mode of saying things like “ people are pushing the blame game“ or “what more do you want for me, my blood?“ that is when the conversation can tend to take a nose dive.

Just sharing my opinion.

[Thunder]

I personally think it's a lot of knit picking which is helping no one.

[Trustandlove]

“I had an MLC. I made choices during that time that I regret. I could have made other choices, but I didn’t and the choices I made caused pain.”

My own feeling is that this IS exactly what shock's sis is saying, I realise that it's hard to get things across well in an online forum, I myself am one who doesn't always find the best words to write.

I just wanted to also say that I think it was a brave and good thing that you spoke to your H, treasur expressed it all so much better than I can. 

[Finding Joy]

I think what she said makes perfect sense.  I think back to when my husband left, I had a strong compulsion to beg, plead, chase him.  Was it my choice, yes, was I strong enough to make a different one, no.  I do take accountability for pushing him further away due to my actions, but I also feel as if it was out of my control.  I was devastated, not fully in control of my own actions.

So to me it makes perfect sense.