[Shockandawe]

Hi Surviving

I wanted to return many times but my ex h had moved on and I didn’t want to cause him more devastation than I had already, but yes the feeling of wanting back was a real and strong one until the fog pulled me back. I obviously hadn’t settled my issues.

[Shockandawe]

 Hi everyone

Yesterday I spoke to my ex h and I explained everything to him, I apologised for what I had done and explained that it was NOT ever his fault, that it was NOTHING he did, that it was NOT anything to do with our marriage, that I loved him then and still do.That it was NEVER him that it was ALL about ME. That I take FULL responsibility for the damage I ALONE caused and that I was sorry, that I would regret it till the day I die. I explained I had had a MLC and I couldn’t stop it.

He was quiet and said now wasn’t the right time but that he thought that wouldn’t be the case forever.
It never occurred to me that he would need this but because of this forum and the questions put to me I have seen the full awakening if you like of just what I put him through.
We were friends long before we were a couple and he now knows the truth of it. I feel relieved and truly settled though I am nervous about how he will process this knowledge.
Just to say thank you ALL of you because you made me see this from your side.

I now hope this finally settles the whole should I apologise shouldn’t I apologise issue.
On with the questions and as always, I will do my best to answer

[Mortesbride]

I am glad you gave him that last piece of the puzzle.

I know it wasn't easy and it was probably pretty scary for you.

Well done for being brave and doing the right thing by him. 

[Treasur]

Hi everyone

Yesterday I spoke to my ex h and I explained everything to him, I apologised for what I had done and explained that it was NOT ever his fault, that it was NOTHING he did, that it was NOT anything to do with our marriage, that I loved him then and still do.That it was NEVER him that it was ALL about ME. That I take FULL responsibility for the damage I ALONE caused and that I was sorry, that I would regret it till the day I die. I explained I had had a MLC and I couldn’t stop it.

He was quiet and said now wasn’t the right time but that he thought that wouldn’t be the case forever.
It never occurred to me that he would need this but because of this forum and the questions put to me I have seen the full awakening if you like of just what I put him through.
We were friends long before we were a couple and he now knows the truth of it. I feel relieved and truly settled though I am nervous about how he will process this knowledge.
Just to say thank you ALL of you because you made me see this from your side.

I now hope this finally settles the whole should I apologise shouldn’t I apologise issue.
On with the questions and as always, I will do my best to answer

ShockSis
I smiled reading this.
I am so glad that you found the courage and perspective to create that moment of grace for both of you. It was imho a very loving act and a respectful one. A bit of honesty and kindness which, no matter what has happened or will happen, was a gift. And a sign of your ongoing recovery that you could hear the perspectives of others here, reflect on it and let go of the guilt enough that you no longer needed to control what your xh might do with that gift. I don't know you but I am very proud of you for doing that and I hope you feel proud of you too. You have done what you needed to do; let both of you have the time to let it all filter through...i'm sure your xh wil open up further conversations about it if he wants or needs to....but it was a pure act of love imho and more love and kindness and grace are always a good thing.

[forthetrees]

Thank you for hearing the pain of the LBS and then acting from your heart to address your own situation. I can only imagine that while the conversation was very hard, you likely feel like a huge emotional boulder has been lifted from your shoulders. This will result in emotional benefits to you, your ex and your daughter. Emotional energy is out in the universe and you made an effort to subdue some of the negative energy. Did Ready´s ex´s apology have any influence on your actions?

[nah]

I explained I had had a MLC and I couldn’t stop it.

AKA... not my fault.

[Treasur]

To be fair, Nah, she also said

I take FULL responsibility for the damage I ALONE caused

If I imagine being in an MLCers shoes, it seems to me that both things are true....that they were in the grip of some kind of internal crisis that they couldn't stop AND that they carry responsibility for the damage caused by their actions. I don't know what more someone could say really.

[nah]

She could have said only that.

Why add “it was the MLC” at the end?

[Shockandawe]

Thank you Treasur and everyone

Nah, I fully explained everything to my ex h, I also took full responsibility for the damage I caused but I also explained a whole lot more than I have written about. MLC was not my choice and I felt compelled to do what I did. I own the responsibility for what I did but I will not own responsibility for going through the hell of MLC for no person in their right mind would want nor wish this on anyone.
I realise there will be people who are still hooked up with the blame game and I get it I absolutely do but I will not ever accept that I somehow had a choice of going into MLC.
I have read so many similar stories of LBSers and this forum brought into perspective the realisation that I needed to give my ex h the explanation and heartfelt apology I owed him.
I feel he deserves this and I know it will never atone for what I did but he needed to hear it.
I will always feel guilt for what I did but I cannot accept that MLC was my choice.

[nah]

“I take full responsibility”

Except bc I had a MLC, my choices during the MLC were not my fault.

And if anybody questions my reasons, they are playing games.