Author Topic: My Story Wife's MLC 16  (Read 1145 times)

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Wife's MLC 16
« on: September 29, 2019, 02:02:03 PM »
16?  :o

Old thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10822.0


Well, xW came over today.. Last night, S stayed at his friend's with him and another guy. I dropped him off, ran to the store for some home stuff, did some home stuff, got ready and went out and met my friend for a few beers. I had fun, but I feel weird around the bar scene. I just don't feel like I've found myself yet and trying out bars for the hell of it, feels a little too like the old me for me to feel comfortable there.. He said he has a fire out back monthly and S and I should stop by tonight so we are going in a bit. I'm taking a break from cleaning and then we'll head out at some point.

I'm having trouble sleeping since the funeral and I don't feel like I can get back into a routine. I wake up all the time @ 4am with my heart pounding. I"m not suffering the guilt and self loathing like I used to during the day, so that's good.. I just wish I could rest..

I was on the way to get S this morning and xW texted and wanted to know if we were free, so she could come over and bring the baby.. he's 2.5 now and talking! I can't call him that anymore. She even offered to go get S, but I was already on the way. Her texts were confusing and I asked her to call me, since I seem to have lost the speech to text option on my phone.

She called and said she really missed S and she was doing so much homework for school she hasn't had time for anything and she feels really bad. Right.. I figure OM wasn't home since she called, she wouldn't have done that if he was. And when she was here, she was checking the time over and over.

Anyway, we talked for a bit, she went on to say that being in the mental hospital was her wake up call and she's trying to get better and wants to teach and that she's really trying. She kept saying "we'll get there". .When she was here, she was glancing at me and made sure she looked right at me and smiled a few times.

I'm just assuming it's just to try to keep the door open with me. I mean, nothing seems like it's changed with her. Living with OM, carrying on with OM2 behind his back.. going on about how she's really trying.. honestly this is the same routine our foster daughter gave us and xW was all over shutting that down..  ::) All I can say is try harder..

Although, I do think the walls are closing in.. her work is becoming a hostile environment for her, for a few reasons, but mainly I think because everyone is sick of maintaining her status quo and just looking the other way. If she ends up having to leave OM's, that may be a turning point for her. If she goes to live with this other, OM, it's going to be obvious she was cheating on OM1. At that point, I'm just going to be like, I know you're lying.. ect. Im' done playing stupid and I'm not naive anymore.

But it's crazy, we can talk and it's so normal. I wonder why many times, how I can love a lying cheater.. but it's on her. She lived a double life and it's scary how easy patterns are to get back into and that scares me.  I like my distance now, I want to see what's coming.

The kid is fun and so cute though. He's always fun to play with. I'm sure though, recent happenings have left her feeling bad and guilty and coming over may have been a quick fix for her. She was telling me about several bad reviews she got at work and so on. I think it's getting harder for her to deny the corner she's put herself in.

That's not my concern though.. all she would have to do is ask for help, but she won't or isn't at that point yet.

Happy Smunday ya'll!

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2019, 05:37:53 PM »
Enjoy the fire Gman.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2019, 06:47:49 PM »
Catching up, Gman. 1)Your mother is a bozo, kind of like my mother was, but they do the screwed up best they can and it's up to us to put the "Thank you for your concern, please never say that to me again" on it. I'm fat. Just plain fat. At this point, I eat very little, excercise all the time. You know that LBS diet everyone else lost weight on? Not me. Hiked  three to five miles 3 to 5 times a week and ate practical nothing for 6 months. Not one pound came off. Ok. I'M FREAKING FAT. DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW IT!?!?! So when my mom mentioned my fat, yet again, I said to my mom (sarcastically) "Oh, my Gawwwd! I'm fat! Why didn't you tell me!!!" My mom, not recognizing the sarcasm said "I do, all the time." To which I responded, "Right. So you NEVER need to tell me again. If I could change it, I would because if nothing else, it STINKS having people judge that I eat too much when they eat far more than I do."  Oddly enough, that worked.

Family members are often Bozos.

2)Honest question: Do you still love your wife as she is, or do you love the memory of what she was? Or maybe both?

3) I so get the analogy of pouring from an empty bucket. Sometimes it's not that people don't give, but they don't give what you ask for or need. Re:your son. If he's anything like mine, mine gives to everyone. Except me. So he extrapolates in his mind that since he is so giving, he is also giving to me. I had to explain how the nice he does for friends A,B and C does not spill over into my bucket. His sister showed him by replacing the toilet flappers while they were here (because I am deathly afraid of toilets- really :P) and he could see how a little thing makes a big impact. Now to me, I cannot see how he can miss the concept that giving to others does not equate to giving to me, but he didn't.  I think he has a slight understanding now. Remember, they watched the MLC me-me-me-me-ME dance. Your S is so lucky to have you to guide him!

The fire will be nice. Nothing like staring into a fire to wind down.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Whyus

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2019, 01:01:33 AM »
2)Honest question: Do you still love your wife as she is, or do you love the memory of what she was? Or maybe both
A Fantastic question which every hs Member should answer för themselves and Not just gman.
Both of your Mothers are jerks btw. No offence, you know it yourselves.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2019, 08:21:29 AM »
My mom can be a jerk, but I don't think she is actually one. Things have actually been really good between us the last few years and she hasn't been controlling or demanding at all and I've been happy with the relationship I've been having with her. It was just a rude, insensitive comment.

I wouldn't have minded a check in, like she knows I'm stuck at just above 200. I've talked to her about it before, so she could have asked if there was a secondary health issue I may be having. But much like my son, I feel I explain things to her, only to be at a point where she forgets the conversation and I'm re-defending or exerting myself at this point, if you will. It's emotionally exhausting.

So she's not a jerk, even if she can act like one sometimes, but she is kinda nuts.  :-\ I think she keeps herself in a perpetual state of anxiety or neuroticness. There's nothing I can do about that and I recognize it's not me anymore.

So the fire went pretty well and we got back kinda late for a school / work night but it was worth it. If it's a regular thing, I'd like to do it again. To be fair, I've had the conversation with myself that I don't have much time and energy after driving S to and from school everyday for three years. I forget it, get mad that I have no life and throw a pity party. I'm just watching the clock until he graduates. During the summer, I get home before 5, have time to cook clean even exercise and I'm done by 6:30 at the latest.

Regarding W.. I've learned to love her, conditionally, unconditionally. Using the bucket metaphor, I think that we both filled up each other's buckets and that's been why it's been so hard for either one of us to let go. I honestly love her, for who she is. I accept that she's got all of this baggage, but I don't love the choices she's made because of it and it's been hard for me to learn to put boundaries between us.

I think at the beginning, we both gave each other unconditional love and that was the first time either one of us had experienced it. We still grappled with our baggage but we eventually got going and she started to make her own progress. She went back to school, stood up to her mom and even tried to press charges against people that had sexually abused her. But then her mom died.. and I think she just decided nothing she did mattered. S was 13 and getting independent, I just got a new job..  She got into bed into bed with depression and never got out again for the next four years.

But, were always best friends. Even after she moved out, she'd still want to tell me about something she heard on the radio. We always did stuff like that and we'd both talk for hours. We both have very active minds. I think she's a very gentle, kind and loving person. But at the end of the day, all of her baggage has also made her into a cruel, selfish person and it always left me jealous of other couples. She liked me filling her bucket, but she also didn't want to be vulnerable and invested in the relationship either. She gave me the mental stimulation and friendship I wanted, but she also withheld the love and affection you should have in a relationship.

I got mad at her once, in bed, because she asked me to hold her; I said you never hold me. I now know what I meant by saying that was she never told me I was handsome, never said anything about me on facebook or let me post pictures of us and so on. It was really twisted.. I was giving her the love and affection she never got from anyone and after her mom died, I think she took perverse pleasure in denying it to me.

I should have put boundaries in place then, but I didn't because I didn't want to be alone. But now, I am and I don't care  :P I love who she is, without all the baggage. Until she choose to live without the baggage, I can't be her friend, boyfriend or whatever.

It's a dozy of a question really.. because I think we all do remember when it was good, but even if we look back, we see all the baggage we all had and then we're like but still, is my ex just a really awful person and I was too in love to see it? Is it a crisis or did I just marry a jerk?

I'd like to think I know who I fell in love with and that's why I love her. I don't think we would have made it 15 years otherwise. But that's just me..

I'm not sure where S and I fall.. We could go to disney land, the circus and the zoo and he'd still get up the next day and say he's bored and we never do anything.  ;D I don't if I mentioned about the drink he wanted the other day, but I told him, how can you sit on skype or whatever and coordinate with 10 people how to build something in minecraft, but you can't tell me you got a drink and wanted me to buy it? What got me was it was after the fact and so back handed. "You could have just paid for it then" right after I got done buying my meds. Do I wear a turban and walk around with a crystal ball?!  :o



I think it's partly he's just afraid to stand up for himself or at least speak up. With kids his age, he feels in charge. But with me, I guess he's afraid to say anything because he thinks I'll say I can't afford it or something. Which is never the case. Like at the airport, he's under 18 so he doesn't need an ID, but the TSA agent was like "birth certificate, drivers license, state issued ID, school ID," and he blankly stared at the guy. Later, I found out he had his wallet with him, containing said several forms of ID including a highschool ID..  >:( >:(

We could have been denied entry, because he looks like a guitarist in a touring metal band. I mean, they could have said, yeah BS this kid is in highschool and under 18.. GTFO or you'll be escorted out. We look like roommates more than we do father and son. I was on edge the whole time, thinking that we may not be able to go at all and then come to find out, he had his ID, but didn't say anything. WHY?!?!?

Ugh.. I don't know what it is.. he also follows me around the house, wanting to know if i'm mad or if he's done something. He even looks for me, when I'm in the bathroom.

He's never not had the kind of environment he can't ask for a drink in or any reason to think I'd leave and never come back. I always communicate and let him know what to expect and it seems like he goes through his own phases, but I'm frustrated I can't seem to get him to stabilize at all.  I just don't know what I'm doing or not doing.

I think watching the MLC craziness is part of it for sure. I wonder if he feels like I do though sometimes. He wants to be recognized and given too, without asking for it. xW did that to both of us and I feel like I hit a point where I don't want to be the giver anymore. Like when I talk to women who can only say "I like coffee" and I want jump down their throats and say if you expect me to be a thrilling conversationalist, after that response, you're going to have to pay me for my time.  ::)

It's tough being a kid. He's almost an adult and I expect responsibility out of him, but I also try to show him how I do things for him daily, that he doesn't even know about. I just wish he could learn to see the give take, which really should be give give. But I'm sure he's feeling like all he does is give right now, which is hardly true.






 

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2019, 08:44:12 AM »
Gosh I'm sorry about this, Gman.  I can understand it must be frustrating for you.

You did say your son has some issues with his mental health, right?  I'm sorry I forget what you said he had.

Maybe it's a combination of what ever his issues are and a mother who pretty much abandon him.  Possibly he fears losing you too, so he follows you around and has the need to know where you are.

As far as not remembering how much you give to him, how about writing them down.  When he says he's bored maybe say..."Let's make a list of all the fun things we did this week?"
Maybe seeing it written down on paper will remind him of all you do for him and all the places you have taken him.

I sure don't know.  That just popped into my head.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2019, 12:33:16 PM »
S has ADHD and he's always done this thing, where he almost wants to hold you prisoner while he shows you something or wants to talk to you, ever since he was a child anyway. He's always had trouble playing independently and almost until he was 12-13, he wanted to be carried everywhere and he'd be very mad if you didn't want to, despite how big and heavy he was getting. Although, he was always kind of small.. lol at 12 he was the size of an 8 year old.

He just has a lot of trouble functioning independently. Like he can stay home all day during the summer and not bother me at work, but the minute I leave for airsoft, he knows I'm gone when I could be home and he pressures me about how long I'm going to be gone and so on. I've just had to say tough and like you said, I do tell him we did this or that and this was my turn to do something for myself. But it all seems cyclical. He forgets and he's upset I'm gone again..  ::) Like you said, it is a combination of both, I'm just not sure what to do.

So latest gossip.. OM2 now is telling everyone at the office that he and xW are dating. xW is trying to keep it under wraps because "it's complicated" and part of that is she doesn't want my sister knowing. I'm thinking because then I"ll know and I'm her backup.. I feel like she's been testing waters on what I know anyway.

I sent her a text that said I know about her an the guy at work. I know more than she thinks I've known, but I don't say anything because she decided we were done and that was her decision. I said that regardless, her choices have and will continue to impact her children. I supported her working on herself and to continue.

I probably shouldn't have said anything and it won't matter anyway. I can't recall the message now either.  :-\ But it got hard for me to think that she's most likely going to put the little boy what she put S through. It may have been a little self serving too.. but hey,  I'm tired of never saying anything either. At least I was fair and balanced in my text.


Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2019, 02:36:13 PM »
I can definitely understand that, Gman.

You are maybe trying to get through to her that she is following a pattern which may hurt her second child too, which is so very sad.

There is just nothing you can do to stop her from screwing up her life, except be there for your son and drop the rope with her. I hope someday, for your sons sake, she can get the right kind of therapy that really helps her.

I do know your son is very blessed to have you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2019, 03:37:44 PM »
It's a dozy of a question really.. because I think we all do remember when it was good, but even if we look back, we see all the baggage we all had and then we're like but still, is my ex just a really awful person and I was too in love to see it? Is it a crisis or did I just marry a jerk?

I think it's interesting that you started the post I pulled this quote from by stating that your mom can act like a jerk but that you don't think she actually is one. I hope you'll discover the same thing about your xW. I know my mother was distant and incapable of expressing her feelings and I realized a while after BD that in some respects my wife and my mother were a lot alike.

I don't know what to say about your son other than to say that children learn how to think and behave from their parents so our good traits get passed on to them but often so does our brokenness. It's probably going to take time and effort and a lot of patience to help your son to learn healthier ways to cope with his world. I hope your wife is able to learn from her crisis and to grow emotionally so that she doesn't pass her brokenness on to the little guy. I hate to say it but I think you may be her lighthouse which makes you both his best chance and your son's. Not fair to dump that on you but life is rarely fair. I'm afraid that you're going to have to continue to be the grownup. Sorry.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2019, 05:22:05 PM »
Thunder, I know it won't accomplish anything and there was no alcohol involved..  ;D Just from the heart of a good dad. I'd feel less than, if I didn't say anything, yet gained nothing. He's not a baby anymore  :'(

The rope has been dropped.. like I said though, it'd be hard to give a hug to a 3 year old and not say anything to his mom, who is doing him wrong behind his back.

But yeah oh well.. I've been moving along good and leaving things behind otherwise. I do hope she gets help too. I think maybe that's what started OM2. She maxed out on how much the pills were helping her and not wanting to move on to the next step, she dove back into the tunnel to escape and avoid. I think the road is set to be bumpy from here out for her though...

And thank you! I'm also lucky to have him. Issues aside, I couldn't have made it this far without him either.

Brain, I was being rhetorical there.. I've wrestled with that question myself and I've seen others do it in their threads too. I think it's something we all contemplate. Much like my mom, I never thought xW was a jerk. I've been mad, angry and plenty of other things, but I've never blamed her, hated her or anything else. She's been through some terrible things I can't even contemplate and this is all her trying to avoid it all. Not much more too it than that.  :-\ I'll always love her.


Quote
I hope your wife is able to learn from her crisis and to grow emotionally so that she doesn't pass her brokenness on to the little guy. I hate to say it but I think you may be her lighthouse which makes you both his best chance and your son's. Not fair to dump that on you but life is rarely fair. I'm afraid that you're going to have to continue to be the grownup. Sorry.

If you read my above comment to Thunder, he's not such a little guy anymore. It was hard not to say anything, but I was fair and non judgmental. I see her cycling and she keeps dangling getting through this in front of me. I can only sit, be calm and supportive if I need to be. And grown up I shall be also.

I can see that though, about being the lighthouse, because she has really been trying to keep my sister from finding out, because I think she doesn't want her telling me. But you know, no judgement from me.. I just want her to get help, for her and kids. :)

If it shows you were my brain has been at, I just got gas yesterday and I'm at half a tank today. I decided to check my tires and all 4 were basically flat. I don't remember the last time I looked at them.  ::)

I am just tired.. tired of riding in the car so much. I'm exhausted. In retrospect, I think dating was to find me someone I could talk to who wasn't S or xW. it only hurt my self esteem and confidence really..  :-\ I just wanted a way out of feeling so trapped. it's going on three full school years now. Last one! 

 

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