Author Topic: My Story Wife's MLC 16  (Read 1709 times)

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Wife's MLC 16
« on: September 29, 2019, 02:02:03 PM »
16?  :o

Old thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10822.0


Well, xW came over today.. Last night, S stayed at his friend's with him and another guy. I dropped him off, ran to the store for some home stuff, did some home stuff, got ready and went out and met my friend for a few beers. I had fun, but I feel weird around the bar scene. I just don't feel like I've found myself yet and trying out bars for the hell of it, feels a little too like the old me for me to feel comfortable there.. He said he has a fire out back monthly and S and I should stop by tonight so we are going in a bit. I'm taking a break from cleaning and then we'll head out at some point.

I'm having trouble sleeping since the funeral and I don't feel like I can get back into a routine. I wake up all the time @ 4am with my heart pounding. I"m not suffering the guilt and self loathing like I used to during the day, so that's good.. I just wish I could rest..

I was on the way to get S this morning and xW texted and wanted to know if we were free, so she could come over and bring the baby.. he's 2.5 now and talking! I can't call him that anymore. She even offered to go get S, but I was already on the way. Her texts were confusing and I asked her to call me, since I seem to have lost the speech to text option on my phone.

She called and said she really missed S and she was doing so much homework for school she hasn't had time for anything and she feels really bad. Right.. I figure OM wasn't home since she called, she wouldn't have done that if he was. And when she was here, she was checking the time over and over.

Anyway, we talked for a bit, she went on to say that being in the mental hospital was her wake up call and she's trying to get better and wants to teach and that she's really trying. She kept saying "we'll get there". .When she was here, she was glancing at me and made sure she looked right at me and smiled a few times.

I'm just assuming it's just to try to keep the door open with me. I mean, nothing seems like it's changed with her. Living with OM, carrying on with OM2 behind his back.. going on about how she's really trying.. honestly this is the same routine our foster daughter gave us and xW was all over shutting that down..  ::) All I can say is try harder..

Although, I do think the walls are closing in.. her work is becoming a hostile environment for her, for a few reasons, but mainly I think because everyone is sick of maintaining her status quo and just looking the other way. If she ends up having to leave OM's, that may be a turning point for her. If she goes to live with this other, OM, it's going to be obvious she was cheating on OM1. At that point, I'm just going to be like, I know you're lying.. ect. Im' done playing stupid and I'm not naive anymore.

But it's crazy, we can talk and it's so normal. I wonder why many times, how I can love a lying cheater.. but it's on her. She lived a double life and it's scary how easy patterns are to get back into and that scares me.  I like my distance now, I want to see what's coming.

The kid is fun and so cute though. He's always fun to play with. I'm sure though, recent happenings have left her feeling bad and guilty and coming over may have been a quick fix for her. She was telling me about several bad reviews she got at work and so on. I think it's getting harder for her to deny the corner she's put herself in.

That's not my concern though.. all she would have to do is ask for help, but she won't or isn't at that point yet.

Happy Smunday ya'll!

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2019, 05:37:53 PM »
Enjoy the fire Gman.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2019, 06:47:49 PM »
Catching up, Gman. 1)Your mother is a bozo, kind of like my mother was, but they do the screwed up best they can and it's up to us to put the "Thank you for your concern, please never say that to me again" on it. I'm fat. Just plain fat. At this point, I eat very little, excercise all the time. You know that LBS diet everyone else lost weight on? Not me. Hiked  three to five miles 3 to 5 times a week and ate practical nothing for 6 months. Not one pound came off. Ok. I'M FREAKING FAT. DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW IT!?!?! So when my mom mentioned my fat, yet again, I said to my mom (sarcastically) "Oh, my Gawwwd! I'm fat! Why didn't you tell me!!!" My mom, not recognizing the sarcasm said "I do, all the time." To which I responded, "Right. So you NEVER need to tell me again. If I could change it, I would because if nothing else, it STINKS having people judge that I eat too much when they eat far more than I do."  Oddly enough, that worked.

Family members are often Bozos.

2)Honest question: Do you still love your wife as she is, or do you love the memory of what she was? Or maybe both?

3) I so get the analogy of pouring from an empty bucket. Sometimes it's not that people don't give, but they don't give what you ask for or need. Re:your son. If he's anything like mine, mine gives to everyone. Except me. So he extrapolates in his mind that since he is so giving, he is also giving to me. I had to explain how the nice he does for friends A,B and C does not spill over into my bucket. His sister showed him by replacing the toilet flappers while they were here (because I am deathly afraid of toilets- really :P) and he could see how a little thing makes a big impact. Now to me, I cannot see how he can miss the concept that giving to others does not equate to giving to me, but he didn't.  I think he has a slight understanding now. Remember, they watched the MLC me-me-me-me-ME dance. Your S is so lucky to have you to guide him!

The fire will be nice. Nothing like staring into a fire to wind down.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Whyus

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2019, 01:01:33 AM »
2)Honest question: Do you still love your wife as she is, or do you love the memory of what she was? Or maybe both
A Fantastic question which every hs Member should answer för themselves and Not just gman.
Both of your Mothers are jerks btw. No offence, you know it yourselves.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
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Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2019, 08:21:29 AM »
My mom can be a jerk, but I don't think she is actually one. Things have actually been really good between us the last few years and she hasn't been controlling or demanding at all and I've been happy with the relationship I've been having with her. It was just a rude, insensitive comment.

I wouldn't have minded a check in, like she knows I'm stuck at just above 200. I've talked to her about it before, so she could have asked if there was a secondary health issue I may be having. But much like my son, I feel I explain things to her, only to be at a point where she forgets the conversation and I'm re-defending or exerting myself at this point, if you will. It's emotionally exhausting.

So she's not a jerk, even if she can act like one sometimes, but she is kinda nuts.  :-\ I think she keeps herself in a perpetual state of anxiety or neuroticness. There's nothing I can do about that and I recognize it's not me anymore.

So the fire went pretty well and we got back kinda late for a school / work night but it was worth it. If it's a regular thing, I'd like to do it again. To be fair, I've had the conversation with myself that I don't have much time and energy after driving S to and from school everyday for three years. I forget it, get mad that I have no life and throw a pity party. I'm just watching the clock until he graduates. During the summer, I get home before 5, have time to cook clean even exercise and I'm done by 6:30 at the latest.

Regarding W.. I've learned to love her, conditionally, unconditionally. Using the bucket metaphor, I think that we both filled up each other's buckets and that's been why it's been so hard for either one of us to let go. I honestly love her, for who she is. I accept that she's got all of this baggage, but I don't love the choices she's made because of it and it's been hard for me to learn to put boundaries between us.

I think at the beginning, we both gave each other unconditional love and that was the first time either one of us had experienced it. We still grappled with our baggage but we eventually got going and she started to make her own progress. She went back to school, stood up to her mom and even tried to press charges against people that had sexually abused her. But then her mom died.. and I think she just decided nothing she did mattered. S was 13 and getting independent, I just got a new job..  She got into bed into bed with depression and never got out again for the next four years.

But, were always best friends. Even after she moved out, she'd still want to tell me about something she heard on the radio. We always did stuff like that and we'd both talk for hours. We both have very active minds. I think she's a very gentle, kind and loving person. But at the end of the day, all of her baggage has also made her into a cruel, selfish person and it always left me jealous of other couples. She liked me filling her bucket, but she also didn't want to be vulnerable and invested in the relationship either. She gave me the mental stimulation and friendship I wanted, but she also withheld the love and affection you should have in a relationship.

I got mad at her once, in bed, because she asked me to hold her; I said you never hold me. I now know what I meant by saying that was she never told me I was handsome, never said anything about me on facebook or let me post pictures of us and so on. It was really twisted.. I was giving her the love and affection she never got from anyone and after her mom died, I think she took perverse pleasure in denying it to me.

I should have put boundaries in place then, but I didn't because I didn't want to be alone. But now, I am and I don't care  :P I love who she is, without all the baggage. Until she choose to live without the baggage, I can't be her friend, boyfriend or whatever.

It's a dozy of a question really.. because I think we all do remember when it was good, but even if we look back, we see all the baggage we all had and then we're like but still, is my ex just a really awful person and I was too in love to see it? Is it a crisis or did I just marry a jerk?

I'd like to think I know who I fell in love with and that's why I love her. I don't think we would have made it 15 years otherwise. But that's just me..

I'm not sure where S and I fall.. We could go to disney land, the circus and the zoo and he'd still get up the next day and say he's bored and we never do anything.  ;D I don't if I mentioned about the drink he wanted the other day, but I told him, how can you sit on skype or whatever and coordinate with 10 people how to build something in minecraft, but you can't tell me you got a drink and wanted me to buy it? What got me was it was after the fact and so back handed. "You could have just paid for it then" right after I got done buying my meds. Do I wear a turban and walk around with a crystal ball?!  :o



I think it's partly he's just afraid to stand up for himself or at least speak up. With kids his age, he feels in charge. But with me, I guess he's afraid to say anything because he thinks I'll say I can't afford it or something. Which is never the case. Like at the airport, he's under 18 so he doesn't need an ID, but the TSA agent was like "birth certificate, drivers license, state issued ID, school ID," and he blankly stared at the guy. Later, I found out he had his wallet with him, containing said several forms of ID including a highschool ID..  >:( >:(

We could have been denied entry, because he looks like a guitarist in a touring metal band. I mean, they could have said, yeah BS this kid is in highschool and under 18.. GTFO or you'll be escorted out. We look like roommates more than we do father and son. I was on edge the whole time, thinking that we may not be able to go at all and then come to find out, he had his ID, but didn't say anything. WHY?!?!?

Ugh.. I don't know what it is.. he also follows me around the house, wanting to know if i'm mad or if he's done something. He even looks for me, when I'm in the bathroom.

He's never not had the kind of environment he can't ask for a drink in or any reason to think I'd leave and never come back. I always communicate and let him know what to expect and it seems like he goes through his own phases, but I'm frustrated I can't seem to get him to stabilize at all.  I just don't know what I'm doing or not doing.

I think watching the MLC craziness is part of it for sure. I wonder if he feels like I do though sometimes. He wants to be recognized and given too, without asking for it. xW did that to both of us and I feel like I hit a point where I don't want to be the giver anymore. Like when I talk to women who can only say "I like coffee" and I want jump down their throats and say if you expect me to be a thrilling conversationalist, after that response, you're going to have to pay me for my time.  ::)

It's tough being a kid. He's almost an adult and I expect responsibility out of him, but I also try to show him how I do things for him daily, that he doesn't even know about. I just wish he could learn to see the give take, which really should be give give. But I'm sure he's feeling like all he does is give right now, which is hardly true.






 

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2019, 08:44:12 AM »
Gosh I'm sorry about this, Gman.  I can understand it must be frustrating for you.

You did say your son has some issues with his mental health, right?  I'm sorry I forget what you said he had.

Maybe it's a combination of what ever his issues are and a mother who pretty much abandon him.  Possibly he fears losing you too, so he follows you around and has the need to know where you are.

As far as not remembering how much you give to him, how about writing them down.  When he says he's bored maybe say..."Let's make a list of all the fun things we did this week?"
Maybe seeing it written down on paper will remind him of all you do for him and all the places you have taken him.

I sure don't know.  That just popped into my head.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2019, 12:33:16 PM »
S has ADHD and he's always done this thing, where he almost wants to hold you prisoner while he shows you something or wants to talk to you, ever since he was a child anyway. He's always had trouble playing independently and almost until he was 12-13, he wanted to be carried everywhere and he'd be very mad if you didn't want to, despite how big and heavy he was getting. Although, he was always kind of small.. lol at 12 he was the size of an 8 year old.

He just has a lot of trouble functioning independently. Like he can stay home all day during the summer and not bother me at work, but the minute I leave for airsoft, he knows I'm gone when I could be home and he pressures me about how long I'm going to be gone and so on. I've just had to say tough and like you said, I do tell him we did this or that and this was my turn to do something for myself. But it all seems cyclical. He forgets and he's upset I'm gone again..  ::) Like you said, it is a combination of both, I'm just not sure what to do.

So latest gossip.. OM2 now is telling everyone at the office that he and xW are dating. xW is trying to keep it under wraps because "it's complicated" and part of that is she doesn't want my sister knowing. I'm thinking because then I"ll know and I'm her backup.. I feel like she's been testing waters on what I know anyway.

I sent her a text that said I know about her an the guy at work. I know more than she thinks I've known, but I don't say anything because she decided we were done and that was her decision. I said that regardless, her choices have and will continue to impact her children. I supported her working on herself and to continue.

I probably shouldn't have said anything and it won't matter anyway. I can't recall the message now either.  :-\ But it got hard for me to think that she's most likely going to put the little boy what she put S through. It may have been a little self serving too.. but hey,  I'm tired of never saying anything either. At least I was fair and balanced in my text.


Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2019, 02:36:13 PM »
I can definitely understand that, Gman.

You are maybe trying to get through to her that she is following a pattern which may hurt her second child too, which is so very sad.

There is just nothing you can do to stop her from screwing up her life, except be there for your son and drop the rope with her. I hope someday, for your sons sake, she can get the right kind of therapy that really helps her.

I do know your son is very blessed to have you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2019, 03:37:44 PM »
It's a dozy of a question really.. because I think we all do remember when it was good, but even if we look back, we see all the baggage we all had and then we're like but still, is my ex just a really awful person and I was too in love to see it? Is it a crisis or did I just marry a jerk?

I think it's interesting that you started the post I pulled this quote from by stating that your mom can act like a jerk but that you don't think she actually is one. I hope you'll discover the same thing about your xW. I know my mother was distant and incapable of expressing her feelings and I realized a while after BD that in some respects my wife and my mother were a lot alike.

I don't know what to say about your son other than to say that children learn how to think and behave from their parents so our good traits get passed on to them but often so does our brokenness. It's probably going to take time and effort and a lot of patience to help your son to learn healthier ways to cope with his world. I hope your wife is able to learn from her crisis and to grow emotionally so that she doesn't pass her brokenness on to the little guy. I hate to say it but I think you may be her lighthouse which makes you both his best chance and your son's. Not fair to dump that on you but life is rarely fair. I'm afraid that you're going to have to continue to be the grownup. Sorry.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2019, 05:22:05 PM »
Thunder, I know it won't accomplish anything and there was no alcohol involved..  ;D Just from the heart of a good dad. I'd feel less than, if I didn't say anything, yet gained nothing. He's not a baby anymore  :'(

The rope has been dropped.. like I said though, it'd be hard to give a hug to a 3 year old and not say anything to his mom, who is doing him wrong behind his back.

But yeah oh well.. I've been moving along good and leaving things behind otherwise. I do hope she gets help too. I think maybe that's what started OM2. She maxed out on how much the pills were helping her and not wanting to move on to the next step, she dove back into the tunnel to escape and avoid. I think the road is set to be bumpy from here out for her though...

And thank you! I'm also lucky to have him. Issues aside, I couldn't have made it this far without him either.

Brain, I was being rhetorical there.. I've wrestled with that question myself and I've seen others do it in their threads too. I think it's something we all contemplate. Much like my mom, I never thought xW was a jerk. I've been mad, angry and plenty of other things, but I've never blamed her, hated her or anything else. She's been through some terrible things I can't even contemplate and this is all her trying to avoid it all. Not much more too it than that.  :-\ I'll always love her.


Quote
I hope your wife is able to learn from her crisis and to grow emotionally so that she doesn't pass her brokenness on to the little guy. I hate to say it but I think you may be her lighthouse which makes you both his best chance and your son's. Not fair to dump that on you but life is rarely fair. I'm afraid that you're going to have to continue to be the grownup. Sorry.

If you read my above comment to Thunder, he's not such a little guy anymore. It was hard not to say anything, but I was fair and non judgmental. I see her cycling and she keeps dangling getting through this in front of me. I can only sit, be calm and supportive if I need to be. And grown up I shall be also.

I can see that though, about being the lighthouse, because she has really been trying to keep my sister from finding out, because I think she doesn't want her telling me. But you know, no judgement from me.. I just want her to get help, for her and kids. :)

If it shows you were my brain has been at, I just got gas yesterday and I'm at half a tank today. I decided to check my tires and all 4 were basically flat. I don't remember the last time I looked at them.  ::)

I am just tired.. tired of riding in the car so much. I'm exhausted. In retrospect, I think dating was to find me someone I could talk to who wasn't S or xW. it only hurt my self esteem and confidence really..  :-\ I just wanted a way out of feeling so trapped. it's going on three full school years now. Last one! 

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #10 on: September 30, 2019, 05:56:43 PM »
Sorry gman, the little guy I was referring to wasn't your son, it was your wife's toddler. Not your responsibility, I know, but I also know that you're fond of him. Your son's lucky because, even if your wife never gets her act together, he'll always have you.

OTOH, I may be biased but I don't expect the om to be much of a father to the little guy. I wouldn't expect you to take on that role, either, but with you potentially being the lighthouse for your wife, that also makes you an pretty important person in the little guy's life because I don't hold out much hope for him unless your wife gets through her crisis and gets her act together. That's why I was apologizing for my comment. It isn't fair for you to be in that role but from here it looks like you may be. But I could be wrong. Maybe the om is an excellent parent of maybe there's an aunt, uncle, or grandparent in the wings. I hope so.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2019, 07:30:31 PM »
Gman,

Your S sounds like my niece, it’s an attachment issue. Yes, he probably needs affection physically and verbally, but it sounds like he struggles with connection. Validation will help.

It isn’t surprising, or unexpected....kids always assume everything is about them because they are ego centric, they think if something happens it’s in relation to them. So then they become self critical trying to figure out what’s wrong with them that someone who’s supposed to stay would leave. You are the parent that’s there....he is constantly checking that you still love him, want him, are going to come back.

If anything ask about feelings and talk about yours, make feelings safe to express in your house. Help him learn how to express his in healthy ways. It okay to tell him you know he is sad/angry/ hurt that she left, so are you. Then when he tells you how he feels validate it.

I hope this is helpful.

We are working on all these same things with my niece. .
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2019, 08:43:04 AM »
Brain, I knew you meant xW's kid with OM1. I never for a minute didn't love him as much as our S. I figure one way or the other, I'll be involved in his life. He's S's brother and I'm glad that W wants them to know one another. I think that's a good experience for S too.

No, life isn't fair.  :-\ Although I'm doing it, I don't want to be the grown up. I want to play video games, join a band, find a girl half my age that wants to be married and have a family..  I actually got some sleep last night and I feel like today is the day after a raging party and I'm thinking a lot more clearly now.

I feel like a caged animal in the car with S. Even though I get home at 5, I've already been in the car an hour and a half and that's only to get him home. Not including the road time I do for work or getting S to school in the morning. The traffic here is awful. I can't believe we don't have public transportation like light rail. Walking is honestly faster than taking the road here... I'm 100% drained by the time I make dinner and I'm done by 6:30. I mean done, like I fall asleep on the couch.

I hoped dating would provide me with a friend and all it's shown me is that people my age, who are single, are just a big bag of mixed nuts. The good bits of chocolate have already been pulled out and eaten lol.  I noticed a trend on match, that I would favorite someone on my phone during the day, come home from work with the intention of messaging them and find out that more than one had already deleted their account. I do not think they lived happily ever after, rather they just got tired of the free and unsolicited anatomy lessons.


No, life isn't fair.  :-\ But somehow I got picked to the grownup..  ;D I gotta do it, even if it is alone..

Ohh PS.. I know OM isn't there that often and from whatever videos and pics I've seen of the baby, OM seems like he's watching TV and xW is the only one playing with the kid. His mom does live there and I know she interacts with him. I have no idea what goes on though.. only what I can infer

Couragedearheart, I think he could use more validation. I haven't been as "fun" as I have been lately and he may be reacting to that. When S when to his friend's house last weekend, I jokingly said "yes! a night off!" and he asked me if I didn't want him around. I explained I was joking..  but he also should take opportunities to spend time with friends when he can.

i need to probably have a talk with him. The driving has raised my stress levels and I haven't been as willing to be as tolerant or as forgiving of his typical, but forgivable annoyances.  :-\

Your post is kind of on point, he wanted to play some competitive game mode last night on a computer game and apparently, whatever team he was on kept voting to kick him off. Even though he calmed down and he understood that 99% of the people on those games are 100% jerks, I should help him out. I am really good at those games, but when you're trapped in a car all day, I just feel the need to zone out. ugh lol. I'll make an effort to play, get the hang of the game and give him some pointers.

I also saw someone post about their kid being an only kid on our neighbor hood face book group. I should ask if there's any teens S's age that want to hang out. Nobody comes outside anymore and play groups are all for younger kids. I think that may help him too.


Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #13 on: October 01, 2019, 09:02:20 AM »
Your drive sounds horrible. I can understand why that would make you feel stressed out, especially since it seems to be completely out of your control.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #14 on: October 01, 2019, 11:01:55 AM »
it sucks lol. I need to stop complaining though and realize that it's only for a couple more months and that I tend to get into these anxiety / anger loops that are quite likely tied to my own ADHD issues.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #15 on: October 02, 2019, 07:19:20 AM »
Quote
I don't want to be the grown up. I want to play video games, join a band, find a girl half my age that wants to be married and have a family.. 


For anyone reading along, I wasn't really serious about the above statement.  ;D


I'm realizing it's very hard to stay clear and focused, mentally right now. I guess I just hadn't realized, until it's all getting to be too much, what all the driving is doing to me. Right now is all about S and it's something I choose to do. When I look around at the people that have abused me my whole life or who have stacked the deck so that they can have it easier, I waiver in wondering if taking the higher road is worth it. I know it's the right thing to do, so I get angry because I don't understand why good people are pushed beyond their limits so often.

Enough of that for now..

xW simply laughed at my text, saying she knew this would happen. She said they were just friends and she tried to apologize too, by saying she was having a bad bay. I never responded to her. I think I said what I had been wanting to get out for a long time and it's out, I don't have anything else to say to her about it and I feel like that weight has been lifted. I know a lot of it has been about damage control with me, but I see through it now and until she actually really moves towards help and starts making amends, there's not much I can do for her other than be pleasant when it concerns S.

Anyway, deep breath. I'll get through this..

« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 07:26:47 AM by gman242 »

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2019, 09:00:35 AM »
Your last few sentences contain a lot of wisdom. Not much you can do for your xW but you'll get through this.

Quote
I don't want to be the grown up. I want to play video games, join a band, find a girl half my age that wants to be married and have a family.. 


For anyone reading along, I wasn't really serious about the above statement.  ;D

That's good. I thought you were heading out on your own MLC. I hate to admit that it sounds pretty good to me except for the video game part. I miss having a family.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #17 on: October 02, 2019, 09:47:36 AM »
Noooo... I was just whining and wishful thinking..  ;D I already had my MLT ..

I miss having a family too.  :-\ I think I thought having someone to talk to would give me that kind of feeling again. Everyone on the sites and apps are mostly in their own MLC in one form or another anyway, at this age. There's plenty of people in their 30's that seem to still want a family, but I'd have to lie pretty much to be seen by them. But, I think I have enough going on for now until S graduates. I need to take solace in my projects around the house and just kinda hunker down.

I've really been missing working on my own music though. I came up with a plan to re use these two ikea bookshelves as a desk that I can put a keyboard under. I've also been looking into getting a guitar too and I admit the thought of learning to play is sounds really fun.

xW is asking if I'm mad at her. I don't know what to say really. I'll ponder it while I'm at lunch.

Online Treasur

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #18 on: October 02, 2019, 10:25:47 AM »
If you don't want to ignore her (bc it is self-serving cake seeking nonsense of course that has no benefit to you), you could just throw the question back with a 'why, have you done something (new) you think I should be mad about?'  :)

But tbh I'd ignore her...or just say nope...not your circus or monkeys how she feels is it? And how you feel about anything is no longer her business unless it is directly related to your son. She will keep trying to keep you in the role she has assigned for you, gman....but how does that serve you now? She has at least two other men to talk to about her feelings after all....

Better to focus on your music and ways to not hunker down too much that you put your own life on hold for too long. Jmo.
« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 10:31:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #19 on: October 02, 2019, 11:48:59 AM »
Treasur, I don't feel like saying anything. No point in arguing about it.. Oh I know my role.. back up guy. Or as she puts it, kinda, "I'll fix this one day".  ::) typical MLC stuff..

The hunker down comment was about me focusing on smaller, healthier things, due to the driving I'm doing and not my xW's crisis. I'm not putting my life on hold intentionally. I'm just saying, I need to relax the best I can, focus on what I can accomplish, not feel like I'm cursed or being punished and realize it's not forever, S graduates in May and it will be over. 

I would like to have a life, for real. I am barely keeping the one I have together right now because I'm so tired. That's why I was saying it's better to focus on smaller, more tangible goals right now.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #20 on: October 02, 2019, 12:41:48 PM »
I'd like to have a life, too. I wish I could figure out what I would like that life to look like.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #21 on: October 02, 2019, 09:05:36 PM »
I could say make your own life, but it's never as easy as it sounds. New website "Design a life". It could be a hit. Answer some questions about what you like and the website tells you how to create your magically wonderful life. I might have something here..... ???

I used to drive my kids 30+ minutes one way to school,then 30 minutes back to work (because I work 9 miles from my house) and then again the same thing in the afternoon. I never got a  lunch. I was deliriously happy when D got her license and I  could spend my lunch shopping for groceries again (yeah, I know). S was a late bloomer and didn't get his license till his senior year, so I got a year off with D, then had to drive again for two years until S got his license. Yes, it does feel good when you don't have to drive all those miles anymore. And don't have to spend the money for the gas.But the conversation you get in the the car was so worth it.

You just sound kind of burnt out, Gman. Take care of you, too, even if only for a little while. If you can't join a band, how about some Karaoke in the car? Single parenting is tough.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #22 on: October 03, 2019, 06:29:22 AM »
OffRoad, that's pretty much what it is... Drive, cook, clean, entertain the kid..  burned out...! 

I think we're going to get to bed 30 mins early from now on. I actually got up late by 30 mins on Monday and S said how great he felt! lol. I was in bed, lights out at 10:30 last night and it made a huge difference. I wouldn't mind being in bed @ 10:00pm. I am definitely not 31 anymore and I can use the sleep. The routine would be good for me too and I think that's where the stress starts.. You get behind on sleep, you get behind on everything else, it all back ups.. so and so forth. Gotta Stay ahead!

I posted in the neighborhood group about finding a few teens in the neighborhood for S. Hopefully a parent will comment. He needs someone in the neighborhood to hang out with.. I would LOVE for him to get on his bike and go do something.

Brain, I though things were going well with the running, EMT and so on.. You seem busy, although I know that doesn't always equate with being happy. What would you change if you could? What do you want more of or less of?

I want to play some live music shows. I want to do some travelling and camping, when it's not summer. Walk in the woods, take photos, sit and contemplate everything, working on writing while I'm out there, blog about the whole thing. Do more detailed music stuff.

Online Treasur

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #23 on: October 03, 2019, 06:38:10 AM »
Quote
I could say make your own life, but it's never as easy as it sounds. New website "Design a life". It could be a hit. Answer some questions about what you like and the website tells you how to create your magically wonderful life. I might have something here..... ???

Fab idea, OR...we'll test the beta-version for you  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #24 on: October 03, 2019, 07:33:01 AM »
Gman,

How much of that list would S like to do as well? Which of those things could you do together or join some groups. Meetup has some groups you can join.  Eventbrite usually has classes and some are free in your area for hobbies and interests. Have you asked S what kind of hobbies he wasn’t to try? Maybe he could make some friends doing a hobby thing that he enjoys. Oh and Reddit has a whole section on hobbies with excellent suggestions.
Me 36
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Wallower?
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EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #25 on: October 03, 2019, 07:40:03 AM »
Brain, I though things were going well with the running, EMT and so on.. You seem busy, although I know that doesn't always equate with being happy. What would you change if you could? What do you want more of or less of?

Thanks for asking gman. I wasn't going to say anything more because I don't want to sidetrack your thread with my issues, but since you asked.  ;)

Actually, what I have to say might be relevant since your son will be graduating soon and you may find yourself on your own.

My life is full of activity and much of it is meaningful activity. I'm good at finding things to do to keep myself busy. But I've recently realized that the thing that's missing from my life is that I don't belong anywhere.

I used to enjoy running with a running group that I belong to but that group rarely runs together anymore and even when they do I'm so fast that I'm at a completely different level. It's hard for me to fit in with the other members.

I have a good job which I enjoy. I used to get together with other faculty in my department. We would go out to eat, have picnics, etc. but that has changed. We still have about the same number of students but we only have about half the faculty we used to have. Class sizes are larger, we're all teaching overload courses, and everyone is too busy to get together. Most days I never even speak to another faculty member while at work.

I really enjoyed working in EMS. We felt like a team but we've lost some EMTs and drivers and I don't really enjoy working with most of the people who are still responding so I don't really feel like part of anything there, either.

And I used to have a family. Even after my daughters left home and my granddaughter left to live with her mother, I still had my wife. I know I still have a family but I don't really feel like I belong. My daughters both have families and they stay very busy with them. I stop occasionally and visit with them but I'm not really a part of their families. After I spend a little time with them I leave and go home to an empty house and they go back to their activities.

One of the reasons I started posting on the forum again is that this is the closest thing I have to a place where I feel like I belong but I'm afraid that's a little bit pathetic. I sometimes wonder how I so quickly wound up old and alone.

Some people seem to enjoy being on their own but I don't like living like this. The area where I live is so rural that it isn't easy to find groups to join. It's bad enough that I've been thinking about looking for a bar to hang out at, my own version of Cheers, but with two brothers who are alcoholics I tend to think hanging out in bars would be a bad idea. Regardless, I only have 3 to choose from anyway.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #26 on: October 04, 2019, 07:58:04 AM »
Courage, S & I do all of those things and more together. Ok I haven't played any live shows yet, but S wants me to  ;D He thinks it'd be pretty cool having a rock star for a dad. I'd have him help him setup and stuff.

I just don't think I have the energy right now to be part of any join up groups. Maybe I'm just getting older, the drive seems to feel just that much longer or all of the get my life together energy from post BD has been spent. I even feel like cutting down on airsoft. Or at least how long I spend out there during the day.

I literally have stacks of mail and papers I need to go through. I'll be buying a filing cabinet soon and I need an actual desk and to not use the dining room table for everything  ;D

But I would like to get out and be more social.. I've already met a couple people on the neighborhood group and one parent with an older teen. We'll see how that goes.

Brain, I'm all for sharing the floor  :D I know how you feel.. I felt like I belonged at the library at my old campus, but I felt like the job was a dead end. Now it's the opposite here. I like my job, but I"m gone 99% of the time and I never interact with anyone and I'm envious of the co workers who get to mingle.

it's like that too here.. We have no room to expand and everyone is overwhelmed. All of our classes are two days a week and I could see us going back to MWF classes, to free up more hours in the day for more classes. I've been renovating storage rooms into classroom space, that's how maxed out we are.

I was jazzed up about teaching comp sci, but after I sat down with the program manager, the Dean told me I couldn't because of my position classification. I think I dodged a bullet.. the program manager was making it sound really assembly line.. not fun. It's a required class so biog classes, lots of material..  :o After my last few raises, I make what a teacher with a master's and 18 credits makes and I've been warned off teaching by several faculty ..

I have 8 years and then I dunno.. If the pay is good, I'll stay.

Airsoft is pretty stable.. I'm in the adult crowd and I hang out with the people that run the field and do all the tech work, so we've all be friends for at least 6-7 years. Maybe you can find something service orientated where there's less turnover? I would think something voluntary, that's about helping would be more stable.. like animal shelter work or hospital volunteering?

I don't know the answer and I've struggled with not fitting in my whole life too..

S is going to be around for a while longer I think. i don't really even see him moving out until he's met someone and wants to get married and even then..  :o lol.

My mom does a lot for my sister though.. although, I think my sister takes advantage of my mom. I'd say see if you can be more involved with your grandkids, but you're working and my mom is retired. It's really tough I know.. my mom comes over and we clean together every now and then we talk. I don't want to be one of those kids that's "too busy" either, but I am. I always make time to talk to my family though. It's something I've tried to do after the D, but my mom seems to have gone off on her own after my grandfather's passing.

I like the idea of hanging out in a bar.. but in practice I think everyone there is phony. At least here.. everyone is die hard alcoholics who stop caring about you the second you stop walking through the door. Or they're young and shallow. I always wanted a end of the road pub like we had up north, but they don't really exist here. You don't stop in to say hello here, you go out and do your drinking. Bit of a difference.. your mileage may vary up there.. lol.

But .. I tell you what, I wish I could change. It sucks feeling and knowing your whole life you're different.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #27 on: October 04, 2019, 08:54:07 AM »
Does it suck because you are different, or because you have not found someone to share your differentness with?  I am my own special color of different. I am never at a loss for people who want to be my friend. Most of those are not people I want to be friends with. Acquaintances, sure, maybe an occasional lunch. I am also one for whom a little of people can go a long way, but the reason is because I need someone who doesn't want to be entertained 24/7. Who knows when alone time is good. Who has their own life that doesn't always rely on mine. I have some friends who need someone glued to them every waking minute, but we have an understanding and they don't get hurt that I don't want to spend all day long every Saturday with them. I have a bazillion things to do, and scarce down time to do it in.

I don't believe being different is a problem. Finding the people who enjoy and accept your kind of different is nor always easy, especially when your life is already filled with doing things. There is no room for someone else to see an opportunity to enter the busy. I like the idea of camping, taking pictures, hiking (easier to talk to someone while you are walking as opposed to cycling or running)  Doing things that are a little slower that might invite others into your life. My D complains she can't find anyone, but she works 12 hour days. Who are you going to meet?

Maybe find a diner instead of a bar? Karaoke night or open mike. Trail maintenance volunteer group. Start your own group. Don't wait for people to come to you, put your different out there, in a non stalkerish way. I have found so many people hungry for real conversation and many more overwhelmed with life and therefore no time for the Conversations they want to have. They are out there.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #28 on: October 04, 2019, 09:53:47 AM »
That is a lot of good thoughts off road!

That sounds a lot like me.. I need / prefer a lot of alone time to process, chill out, come up with ideas, think things over, research things I've been interested in. I prefer to have friends that a combo of here and there. We're great when we're hanging out and space is fine too..

I'm also much the same in that I always find people that are willing to be my friend. But I feel different and as I've lamented on here about with dating, I feel like people don't want to get to know me. I'm not sure if it's my location and or age group, but I've noticed that as you've pointed out yourself too that I think most people only see people's value or worth in terms of their entertainment value.

I'm really fine being social, but I feel drained and empty after a while, because as Treasur was saying, nobody is filling up my bucket. I feel different because if I was different, I could be more happy with superficial things and derive pleasure from being social, when it leaves me feeling empty instead.

Older people? I get along great with them. I value authenticity and character and they seem to have a lot of it. Maybe my soul is really 62 and my body is 35 I dunno.. lol. I do love camping and hiking and there are always people to meet.. I've met plenty of great, older folks. Even single or widowed women who are the nicest people I've ever met. In contrast, once, there was a woman about my age who pulled into the camp spot next to us and sat in her car until nightfall and then moved over two spots. It was obvious she didn't want to be talked to. In contrast, I've meet tons of young kids who are always willing to listen and talk about stuff.

Maybe it's me.. but I don't like the 30-50 somethings. If they're single women, they think you're going to hit on them and they avoid you. If they're couples, they don't have kids and it's tough dragging a 17 year old to "adult" things.  If they have kids, they're all 6-10ish. So being single, I think I'm in a really weird age group. With the 20 somethings, I enjoy being a cool older mentor type, but they're not really friends.

However, I agree 100% be yourself, do you thing. :) I've always kinda sorta done it, but I'm learning now to do it all the time. I don't know about Brain, but growing up, I was just so disliked for who I am I never learned to embrace it and just be it. Not that there's anything wrong with me..

I think it's hard to find people that just get how you are and that you can also relate to. You really seem to have mastered it though and perhaps Brain and I are just getting started with it. If I can speak for him, as I know we've kinda touched on the same thing ourselves.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #29 on: October 04, 2019, 04:45:11 PM »
My granddaughter is in her first year at the college where I teach. She lives on campus but comes home weekends to work at our local grocery store. When she was planning to leave for college her younger brother was told he could have her room. I have a couple of spare bedrooms, a spare bathroom, and a spare living room so she moved in with me a couple of weeks before she left for college.

It's kind of disruptive having her living with me. She doesn't have a driver's license so I drive her back and forth to work which has really restricted my ability to go wherever I want whenever I want. When she's here she likes to play on her phone while streaming shows on the TV. My Internet connection doesn't have much bandwidth and I'm fortunate to even have it but when she's here there isn't much bandwidth for me to use. Mealtimes are a challenge because I don't really cook but she doesn't eat much and she doesn't mind warming up a can of Spaghetti-Os or chicken noodle soup for supper if we don't go out to eat. I'd have to say that the worst thing about having her staying with me is that the house is really, really empty now when she goes back to school.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #30 on: October 04, 2019, 05:58:25 PM »
I get that push me, pull you feeling with the kids. When S and D come home for visits, they leave a mess wherever they go. I love having them here, but dislike the maintenance, even if it is only "Please get your dishes to the dishwasher." You'd think by now they'd have that down. They do it everywhere except here.

It's funny Brain, but you don't seem to be happy when she is there, and you are not happy when she leaves. Is there something that could be changed when she is there that would make it easier or more comfortable for you? Maybe help her get her Driver's license? Is there a volunteer group that might put up one of those obnoxious tree shaped repeaters so you can get some better bandwidth or cell phone data. (I tether my computer to my cell phone when I have good cell and bad internet).  Do you text or sometimes meet for lunch when she is at school?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #31 on: October 04, 2019, 07:30:23 PM »
Sorry OR. I should have made my point a little more clearly. Having me granddaughter stay with me is inconvenient. It disrupts the schedule (or lack of it) that I currently have. In spite of that, I really enjoy having her stay here, I'm happy when she's here, the feeling that I don't belong any where temporarily goes away, and I really miss her when she goes back to school.

We both have really busy schedules so I don't see much of her at school although she sometimes stops by my office for a few minutes during office hours. We would probably meet up more often during the week if she wasn't coming home with me every weekend.

I have to go pick her up in a few minutes from work. I have a surprise for her tonight. For the first time in a long time I baked some muffins. And chocolate chip cookies. The cookies will be coming out of the oven in a minute or two. :)

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #32 on: October 04, 2019, 08:34:02 PM »
You sounded like you loved being miserable with her around  ;D

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #33 on: October 04, 2019, 08:47:40 PM »
You know me too well. I love to be miserable.  ;D
« Last Edit: October 04, 2019, 08:58:12 PM by MyBrainIsBroken »

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #34 on: October 06, 2019, 05:15:38 PM »
So xW came by to pick up S and to take him for breakfast today. She had some story about getting a new debit card and her phone being out of service. She wanted the internet code to be able to call the phone people  ::) I said now S's phone doesn't work either right? and she said . oh.... yea.  ::) She's on some prepaid plan so I think she ran out of internet or minutes or something and wanted to text OM2 or OM1, if he was keeping her on a short leash.

S said he felt rushed the whole time and she must have been using the internet at the restaurant. She said she had to go to the library to study before it closed. Back in the day the "library" was code for a hook up I'm sure. I know, NMP, but it's still triggering because while she's doing it to OM, i'm reliving it. S asked me when he got home, if his mom was cheating on OM1.  ::) he's not stupid. I mean, can ya not poo where you consume.. yannow? I tried to tell her. Didn't do any good I know. But hey, truth dart maybe.

I got on top of the ball today and somehow, I started looking at BPD and I think I've got it too. I may have disregarded the symptoms, because BPD to me, meant halfway to evil and I wasn't anything close to that. But it's just a nebulous term and it make sense, I see my own actions reflected in it. So while it wasn't fun being triggered, it did open up a new avenue of research for me that I think will be helpful. I think it explains my introversion to an extent too.

 I think I may have a sinus infection, so I'm going to schedule a Drs appointment in the morning. I also need to have my finger looked at, after banging it on the door during my trip. I missed airsoft in the morning which gave me a sad, but S and I had a great time last night. There's a huge mall complex not too far from here, down south. It's kind of like an Orlando proportion mall, right next door. I went into guitar center for me first and I want to pick up a 6 string and 4 string bass now. I think that'd be fun to learn. I was already checking some chords and things online. the fingering seems easy enough.. just would be a matter of practice I think to get the positions down. Even though I've been playing keybaords for over 20 years, I figure if I can touch type and play all those fighting games on playstation, I should be able to play guitar with some practice. We then went to game stop for him and walked around the mall some while I searched for the perfect spatula. I had what was called a "scoop turner" and it was heavy duty, you could really lift and turn with that thing. All of the ones I've seen are flimsy so far. I accidental melted my sort on the stove and whenever I use it, the whole house now smells like burning plastic so I had to get rid of it.

I can make airsoft next week and we've got tickets to see Alien in the theater next Sunday. My old anniversary.. kinda fitting to see a movie about a monster that rips the heart of people on that day. lol.   

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #35 on: October 06, 2019, 08:09:17 PM »
Good luck with the guitar. I've never been able to figure it out but you've inspired me to start playing with my piano again.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #36 on: October 07, 2019, 12:39:04 PM »
Glad I inspired something!

Music was something I had to give up during the post BD.. I just couldn't sit and think when too many other things were going on in my head. It was more fun to get up and be active outside, but now I am really missing music..

xW now says she wants to see S weekly, by taking him out to breakfast or something on Sundays. She said she was sorry she didn't come in to say and so and so forth. I think that's good for him.. she also made sure she let me know that she's the one who bought the DVDs S picked out for me from the thrift store. I just told her thanks..

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #37 on: October 08, 2019, 03:54:54 AM »
Must be the season for taking up an Instrument.... I acquired a decent Tenor Sax and have started learning to play...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #38 on: October 08, 2019, 06:42:21 AM »
There is just too much sax and violins going on in here.. I'm going to have to ask you all to turn it down a notch!  ;D


What's the sax for? Just for fun or are you part of your worship band?


I just went to the Dr.. got a round of meds going in for this sinus infection. Hope it gets cleared out fast.. and then I've got my ADD lady this afternoon. Busy busy.,

« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 06:44:46 AM by gman242 »

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #39 on: October 08, 2019, 07:33:44 AM »
There is just too much sax and violins going on in here..

 ;D ;D ;D

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #40 on: October 08, 2019, 07:35:42 AM »
There is just too much sax and violins going on in here.. I'm going to have to ask you all to turn it down a notch!  ;D



What's the sax for? Just for fun or are you part of your worship band?


I just went to the Dr.. got a round of meds going in for this sinus infection. Hope it gets cleared out fast.. and then I've got my ADD lady this afternoon. Busy busy.,

I wanted to learn to play the sax in 6th grade... My parents said "No."  Evidently, my mother has harboured secret guilt about that for 44 YEARS and dropped a Tenor Sax in my lap when I was in the US last... unfortunately, it was a piece of junk (She got it at a second hand shop and I went to have it overhauled here in Germany by a Master Instrument Builder that I was referred to - he said that it had been obviously mucked about with and was "customized" for someone specific. He had a hard time playing it because of the abnormal key spacing and super hard springs and his hands are bigger than mine so ...). The tone was also REALLY harsh and edgy

He did, however, happen to have a nice second-hand Jupiter Tenor Sax with a gorgeous mellow tone so ... I bought it ... and I am starting to learn... I can play "Hot Cross Buns"  now without too many squeaks  ;D
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #41 on: October 08, 2019, 08:01:23 AM »
Roughly 50+ years ago my mother and I wanted me to learn to play the piano. My father overruled us and made me take organ lessons instead. I hated playing the organ and didn't make much progress. My brother, who is a bit of a hoarder, bought the organ from my mother about 30 years ago. He never played it and nobody in his family has ever played it but he still has it displayed in his living room. I still get a bad feeling in my stomach when I see that organ sitting there in his living room.

Back in 2012 when I was the crisis kid I started taking piano and guitar lessons. I've never been able to get my fingers to play chords on a guitar but I was making pretty good progress with the piano. Then my wife's BD hit in 2014 and I was pretty much non-functional for several years. All that I do with the guitar now is pick it up occasionally and make noise with it but I'm feeling an urge to see if I can get back into actually playing the piano.

UM is a technical genius. Maybe we should record ourselves playing and send the recordings to UM so that he can mix them. I should be able to play something resembling Hot Cross Buns in a couple of years.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #42 on: October 08, 2019, 10:13:36 AM »
Brain, was it a hammond or wurlitzer type home organ? Yamaha and other people made them too. It may make you feel better that the place I went junk shopping in near here had a busted one out back that was dry rotted through.  ;D So there's one out there that's been umm... taken care of. heh heh heh..

Did you just prefer the piano to the organ? It's funny, around the keyboard crowd, people are nuts for the organs. I had a few friends that will go to obscene lengths to restore them. I guess they're kind of like car nuts or other nuts in that way.

I have friends that I've done that with online..  we even used to use drop box and other things to store and share audio. It was a lot of fun. For me, beginning piano was always twinkle twinkle, Molly Malone, easy waltzes I think I had one teacher who made me play hot cross buns,  but it's not something I encountered normally.

I did something I normally wouldn't.. a friend asked me to play on his team as an officer for a large two day airsoft event. it's out of town and I'd need S to either stay by himself saturday and sunday or stay with my parents if he wants to. I've always been put off by big events. I don't like the prep work, the travel, crowds and so on. But I thought I'd give it a shot because it's the kind of thing I always say no to, so I'll see how it goes.

So for the event, I'm one half of the command structure. Me and this other guy will have I guess 50 people each in two squads of 25 people. These events have their own rules that differ from casual Saturday casual play so I'll have to buy some things to get my equipment up to their code and also some camping stuff. It's not like I'm not going to use any of that stuff again either.. it's way over on the east coast, by my aunt and uncles condo. I joined the event online and a lot of people I know from here are going too, so I'll be around the same group of guys. Just somewhere else lol.


---------------------------------------------------

I'll keep these thoughts short, so please either read on or stop reading if you don't want to see my journailing lol.

S and I had a good time over the weekend window shopping and going to a couple malls. I stopped to look at some cast iron stove top griddles and S asked me if I got xW one. I said I did and I said she returned it and he asked why. I explained that it was her way of avoiding emotional intimacy with me. She always wanted one, so I got her one as a gift. I think in some strange way, that's proof she loves me.  I mean in contrast, she has no problem putting her hand out when OM1 is paying the bill.

Anyway, I've gotten to a point of good self esteem where I am not feeling the sense of rejection I was before. I get it now, that her and the other women i dated were pushing me away because of their emotional inability to have a functional relationship with me.

And here's the part where you're going to say, welcome to club and yes, I've been here for almost 4 years now lol. I just feel screwed. I was a good guy. I took care of my family and I wasn't setting up some secret double life. I don't have time to meet anyone and I have no clue how either. The world has changed so much.. no, it's not a priority. It's not about that. It's just everything circles back to the unfairness and the one sideness of it all and I'm stuck (even though I want to be) raising S by myself.

It's conflicting feelings for sure, that have been hard to separate and accept what I have no control over, for the time anyway.


Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #43 on: October 08, 2019, 11:32:55 AM »
I know what you mean about the unfairness. I really want to be mad at someone for my life turning out the way it has but I don't know who to be angry with.

I don't remember who manufactured the organ but it was like a Hammond. It was a very complex device with a lot of switches for changing the sound. I love the sound of a piano and I just wanted a nice, simple piano. I might have also been upset because I had to play what he wanted and couldn't have what I wanted. Story of my life back then.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #44 on: October 15, 2019, 05:11:15 AM »
I was just commenting on your thread that either maybe, which meant no or no was the story of my life back then.

Things are going a little off the rails with me lately. I think I'm going to need to take a day off here to catch up on things around the house. The nurse practitioner at the Drs gave me an extra antibiotic refill and I went and picked it up last night. I'm going to hang onto it just in case.

I'm still getting up at 4am everyday and now my office is a mess like my house is too. I just feel like since I've gotten back from the funeral, I can't get onto a routine. But I'm going to double down and get it done or do my best anyway.

What would have been my 18th anniversary came and went Sunday. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.. I don't think it would have, but xW seems to have planned this outing to top golf with OM, her aunt and cousins. I think she was trying to trick S into going because first she asked if he wanted to go and only said her aunt was going. Then after he said yes, it turns into OM is going.. and of course S isn't going to want to go. xW was offering to come over Saturday morning to see S instead, but she didn't because S said he'd go to top golf. It got to be a mess. I told her that if she knew OM was going, it would have been better just to come by on Saturday and then S & I would go to the movies like we planned.

Me? I think xW was throwing a super mom party. Everything is fine, look how much fun we're all having. xW even commented on a few of her aunts posts on facebook. She's been a little ass kissey lately. One of the posts was about addiction and the quote said something to the effect of having someone to support you no matter what. I found that a little odd, because all of her posts on the topic are you can't help an addict no matter how much you try until they want to change. But xW commented something and I was like that's a bit ironic. She had me to support her no matter what..  ::) But I learned the hard way that people will do exactly what they want to and that's how you should judge them.

It bothered me a little.. I'm doing great for the most part, but I have my moments. Every now and then I just stop, pause and think.. 15 years of you blaming and yelling at me and you're the one who had to get rid of me because i was making you miserable.



I know, I know, it was her running from her and her past and not me.. I don't think I've moved into 100% over it yet, but more of a resigned anger at it type thing.

Overall, I'm doing good, but I just feel like I want to get caught up at home right now.

I got talking to a girl here at work and her husband was in the situation as my xW. Cheated, got her pregnant and left. Same old story.. and I'm sure this has been mentioned somewhere here before, but they just don't cheat on you, they cheat on the kids too. I don't know why they don't see that.. the spouses insistence that it's perfectly find to get up and leave without trying to fix anything and to start a whole new life that everyone has to accept.  ::) I will never get why xW can't get why S doesn't want to be around OM.

Oh well.. ! Happy Tuesday.

Oh PS I couldn't stand any more fast or frozen food so I spent all of last night making a huge shepards pie. I tried a different recipe that was supposed to be a traditional irish version. It's very savory, but I don't think I like it as much as my other recipe. I also think it's funny because I don't think that things like Cheyenne pepper and paprika were common ingredients in Ireland 200 years ago.

But in doing so, I didn't get anything else done last night at the house. So please, bless this mess until I can get around to it tonight.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 05:22:00 AM by gman242 »

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #45 on: October 15, 2019, 05:55:26 AM »
Gman,

You're doing good.  I think total acceptance take a long time to achieve.
It's hard to accept something you didn't want and had no control over.

Pretty sneaky not telling her son OM was going with.   :(
She can't just force him to like or want to spend time with him.  He is old enough to make his own decisions about that.

Shepherds pie?  Yum!   :P
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #46 on: October 15, 2019, 07:00:29 AM »
Sorry to hear about your anniversary. I think for me the most difficult part about anniversaries is feeling like they don't mean anything to the MLCer. Nothing special about it, it's just another day.

It's hard not to take it personally, even though we know that it isn't about us. It may not be about us, but it sure does affect us.

All that you can do is to keep on doing the right things and eventually things should start clicking for you. The Shepards Pie sounds like a step in the right direction. :)

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #47 on: October 16, 2019, 03:51:54 PM »
Hey brain.. I know..  :-\ I've actually been doing really well with not taking things personally. I get down, but wait a bit before reacting and I've really been realizing how sensitive I have been to the moods of others. I guess it was from all the past abuse, when someone seemed "off", I think that is has something to do with me, but it doesn't nearly 100% of the time.

I was re and reading Whyus' thread and it got me thinking. Although I'm not sure what the connection to his thread is, but I was in the shower and it hit me nearly a year ago, OM got divorced and then xW started pressuring me to get ours done. And then in February, she gets a vacation and the mental health place. Then this year, she has a confirmed OM2,  she's really over loading herself with school, she's making promises to do better with S and kinda of having a "everything is normal" party, on our anniversary no less.

Me being angry, I just assumed W had been leading me on for 2-3 years, keeping me on the back burner if her and OM don't work out. That may have been the case, but I wonder if he had forced her to get divorced and that's what put her in the mental health place. She was just telling me a while ago that she had hit rock bottom, but I think she's still avoiding by thinking that if she does well in school, she can change jobs and be happy. I think that's good for her regardless, but I saw how tired she looked when she picked up S the other week. I think it's also a distraction for her and she's not wanting to confront herself or the real damage she's caused.

Going full circle, no it isn't about it me after all..

Anyway, despite a huge, glorious Shepard's pie I just made, which I also amped up with extra cheddar and Worcestershire sauce, S has now microwaved some sort of clam chowder that smells like a rat has died in the attic..  ::)

Last week, while we were at the movies, I stopped into the bathroom remodeling place that was next door. It's bath fitter, I don't know if you have them elsewhere, but they come in on one day and redo your entire shower. They use fiberglass cladding and when we stayed in NY, the bathroom in the hotel was done using a similar product and it looked really nice. It doesn't look like a trailer shower at all.. ha ha. They model it after real tile now and it doesn't have that molded in look I hate. The girl that worked there said she's not allowed to give out prices, but she said out the door, the most expensive models with install are $5K. All I want is plain white tile and to convert my tub to a shower. So I'll call them sooner or later and get a free estimate. I'd like frame-less glass doors and if they don't offer them, I'll go with a shower curtain until I can get them from someone else. The parts individually are $2k and maybe for 3, I don't have to do any of the work? Sure :)

I am really proud of S. He's working on this daft punk helmet. He printed out a template, cut it out of card stock, formed it and then sort of went over it all with wall plaster, sanded it and I helped him paint it. He then cut out a visor from an old poster frame piece of clear plastic, tinted it and now he's working on soldering 200 LEDs together. He's made all of his halloween costumes by himself since he was 6. If he doesn't end up famous for something.. I dunno what to think really. I'd just be really surprised if he isn't.. He also likes to sit right in the middle at the movies and they say that's indicative of someone who uses both their brains equally and that's extremely true of him. I like to sit on the left side and I'm a right brained person.

However, bragging aside, I had to listen to him get frustrated for several hours last night. That really soured things and despite it, I still managed to get my floor cleaned up. I had all I could stand and I couldn't stand anymore! Right after W moved out, I got some ikea cabinets and made a liter box out of them. They were big, dirty and monolithic. I think I really just wanted the distraction. Well, they're gone now and I have a new desk and filing cabinet in their place which is what I really had been needing. It's better to self care than distract yourself.

Also to take out of Whyus' thread, he was talking about his parents separating and not being happy, having settled for other people. I've always been afraid of ending up like that after W has left. I think I've honestly liked people since her, but in a way, it all feels like settling or just second best. I didn't want this and I had what I wanted, she just wouldn't do her share and I did too much.  :-\

All it means is it's another confirmation I don't really need to be dating right now until I've figured out how to be me first. That's another thing I've been realizing.. I never had a solidified sense of self before I met W. I"m kinda short on run time right now while S is finishing up high school, but I'm interested to see what the future holds for us.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #48 on: October 18, 2019, 11:17:15 AM »
So once again, xW called me sniffling on the way to a Dr's appointment. whenever she actually calls me, it always sounds like she had been crying. This time in particular though, she sounded extra sad. She wanted to know how much I had been paying on S's expenses because she was working out a budget for me, for next year when she's not going to be paying any support after he turns 18. She said she had been worried about me and it, so she was trying to help me out. I also got the usual round of how hard she's trying and how "things will work out for the both of us".

She says she hates her job and it's beyond time to get out of there. I still think she's just distracting herself with school and if she's a teacher, won't there just be another guy there to sleep with?  ::) It's one of those, where ever she goes, there she is kind of things.

I already had a good cry over her last week, so I didn't react much to her phone call. Why was I upset the other week? I don't know really. It's been a lot of stress over the past three years.. my boss retired, the MLC happened, the D, my mom and her parents and my grandfather passing and the driving has finally caught up with me. I also think I'm still processing. I've been angry, upset and distracted, but I never actually just missed xW until the other week. it came out of no where and it left. She texted me after the drs and told me how she passed out in the office, with pictures no less. She then very plainly told me she never realized how much anxiety she has.

It's still a whole lot of nothing.. just an anchor check when she finally breaks down enough to reach out for one.

I'm beat.. this weekend I need to clean the garage and I still have cleaning to do in the house. Oh why won't it end?! I have to go the dump and I'm debating weather or not to go to airsoft. I always feel 100% better when I come home, but it takes up a lot of time too.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #49 on: October 18, 2019, 11:37:16 AM »
I'm sorry you are so angry and sad. The overwhelm of life can wear you down. Sometimes we need to put what needs to be done on hold and makes time for what we need to recharge. If airsoft does that for you, it might be a solid choice. I should be cleaning my own garage. Instead, I'm leaf peeping, visiting places, searching out covered bridges, sleeping until noon and escaping escape rooms. Solid choice for me. I'll return to my regularly scheduled life soon enough. Remember, you need to take care of you, too.

So, im curious.  Does she always decide what you need to do, Gman? Doesn't she think you are competent enough to manage your own financials? And BTW, does the child support stipulate that she CAN  stop support payments at 18, because a friend of mine with a son with ADHD, her ex was required to pay support until 21.  :)

And how do you get pictures of yourself passed out? Enquiring minds want to know.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #50 on: October 18, 2019, 11:45:50 AM »
Gman,

I think that's just the way it happens.  You're going along just fine and than BOOM out of no where it hits you, and we miss them.  I don't know anyone who has not experienced that, even more than once.
Doesn't mean you're not doing ok.

When you've been stressed like you have been, I believe it just weakens you a bit to a moment like that.
So you had a good cry.  You may have really needed it.

You also have to remember you are pretty much doing all this on your own, with no help, but you are doing such a good job.  You should be darn proud of yourself. 

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #51 on: October 18, 2019, 03:52:47 PM »
Offroad, I wouldn't say I'm angry, just really a resigned stressed and frustrated. Sad, that too at times and thanks :)

I am one of those people though, that clutter stresses me out; it's hard to find things, you have to keep moving stuff to find stuff.. I'm normally really neat and clutter kinda makes me feel like the walls are closing in. So it's kind of a no win situation. Getting a desk put in was a huge self care thing though.. cleanup was just the fall out from it ha ha. Once I get the old cabinets out of the garage, I'll be 99% to where I want to be :) I have now busted more chifferobe type things than I ever would have thought possible at this point in my life  ;D

My plan, is not to mope in front of the TV tonight and go to bed early and try to get up feeling good. Go to the dump first and then head down to airsoft. Even though last time, I only played two games, I had a great time just sitting in a chair, talking. It's out in the woods and it was a nice day, can't really complain.

It's not normal for xW to lend advice these days. After BD, she was coming over and pointing out all kinds of things, but maybe 1 or 2 times now a year she'll clean S's bathroom, tell me not to spend money because I have extra shampoo or something under the cabinet or something. But I think I get a quarterly phone call..

I don't tell her about my financials, the truth anyway, but I do play for pity  ;D She doesn't know about the raises I got, or how I'm paying off credit cards. I just got another offer from USAA for a 0 interest for 15 months or something card. I'm going to transfer one of mine to that while I pay it off.

I'm upset in retrospect, now that I realize that I can feed and house S and I and still have money for things, the house and whatever left over. Makes me wonder where all our joint income went all those years. Clothes, lunches..  ::)

There were no pics of her passed out, that would have really have been interesting to see. She managed to take some of the chair she knocked over, she said she went into shock and had a cold sweat and she took photos of the sweaty table or whatever. Really TMI, WTF..

I think she was honestly sad and reached out to me, but the post Dr photos turned off the sympathy on my end. I know she's probably sent those to 100 other people boo hoo ing by now.

Yeah they do say that she can stop. I never thought to push the disability angle. I know he's going to be financially dependent on me for quite a while. It's not so much the financial aspect that gets me though. It's a battle with him getting him to stay focused, to not shout, over react ect. Yes, he's a teen, but he's got ADHD on top of that and he's kinda like a chihuahua on mountain dew sometimes, minus the carpet peeing. I could just use a buffer or a partner to trade off with. When xW was here he was really quiet and he hit puberty after she left. So I've had the distinct pleasure of being a single dad all through it.

I don't mean to complain, I'm happy to do what I do, I just need a vacay sometimes.

Thunder, am i am doing it all alone, aren't I? It's easy to get overwhelmed and not realize it. I think it's from the past PTSD and abuse I internalize everything so much and I forget my own needs. That's something I really need to work on.

I figure it's normal and I didn't think too much about missing her. But I also think that's your body's way of slowing you down for a minute and letting everything out. How do you women get so good at papering and nurturing? I need to read that book.

I try to be proud :) but I forget that too sometimes.

Thanks :) hugs.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #52 on: October 21, 2019, 08:18:05 AM »
So OffRoad, your idea of therapy worked, or became default  ;D

That tropical storm blew in on Saturday and I had a migraine all day from the sudden drop in pressure. I took some meds and managed to get to the dump at least, so all the junk is cleared out of the garage. I'll have to clean in bits and pieces until it's all done, but for the most part, I don't care lol. I'm the boss of me, there's nobody to tell me what and when I have to do something  ;D Airsoft was cancelled Saturday anyway because the creek on the field flooded up the parking lot.

I'm back on my ADD meds. I took the summer off from them and I hit a point and I realized I need to just get the prescription refilled. I need to be more self aware and realize I have OCD that gets me into behavioral ruts and looping thought patterns. I took a pill before heading out with S this morning for school and I started having a pity party in the car and by the time I dropped him off and got to work, it had wore off and my mood had drastically improved. I'm glad I recognized that spinning my wheels feeling and I didn't blame myself and I went and got back on my meds.

I did buy myself some airtsoft stuff I had been needing too, this week. In not doing it, I think that's part "rut" and part not feeling that I'm worth having that stuff. Not being on the meds, it really is hard to make your hand move over the mouse and click "buy", when your impulse is to watch funny cat videos instead. The other half is, my needs always went unmet when i was a kid and I always had to "make do" with whatever was around. Strange how I just to myself as an adult, what my parents did to me as a kid. Just something else to unlearn..

My parents are back from NY, nothing earth shattering there, except I talked to my mom for a good while and it was just funny that she knew about xw's OM2, not only from my sister, but other people at work.

We're getting our first bit of fall weather here.. cold and rainy. I love it.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2019, 08:55:31 AM by gman242 »

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #53 on: October 21, 2019, 08:44:13 AM »
Gman - I used to suffer horribly from migraines.  No relief.  Someone suggested I start taking 400 mg magnesium tablets and *poof* no more migraines.  Okay, I may have had two or three in 5 years, but nothing debilitating. And that was while in the midst of MLC storm.  Other headaches these days succumb to Advil, instead of 4 Excedrin Migraine tablets like back in the day.

This doesn't work for everyone, but one of the treatments for severe migraines given at the hospital is a magnesium drip.

Can't hurt to try, right?  Maybe check with your doctor first?
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #54 on: October 21, 2019, 05:47:53 PM »
I've been doing ibuprofen for years and have been considering throwing in Excedrin. Alleave works too. I've found after a round if a few pills I feel better for a couple hours.

Does the magnesium work for an acute migraine? It's crazy but I've only recently been able to tell the difference between a migraine and a sinus headache. I think they trigger under many of the same conditions. I know it's a migraine when I feel better within 24 hours.


I have a presentation to do tommorow at a faculty meeting. I talked to my boss about it months ago and he didn't tell me I got signed up for it. So yesterday I had to rush and make up a power point.

It's a basic training on the classroom equipment and Q&A. Not anything I haven't done a million times, but it's also been a million years since then too lol.

We prepped for the event today and I stayed late. I had xw pick up S and she bought us all pizza.  Well that was pretty nice. Then she picked up the toddler (he's almost 3!) And he wanted to call and talk to S.

I was supposed to change my oil and some other stuff tonight but I got home late and I don't wanna.. Lol. I rifled through some airsoft stuff for a friend. Pun unintended..

S wants to watch tv in a bit so it's shower that then bed..

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #55 on: October 21, 2019, 10:42:06 PM »
Gman - I used to get migraines that made me vomit. I'd have to lay in bed all day.

I take the magnesium daily, with my other supplements.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #56 on: October 28, 2019, 04:56:15 AM »
My ex had them to that extent too. It seemed like she was always in bed with either depression or migraines. I picked up some Excedrin and that seems to work really well. I noticed Tylenol worked really well, but this turns it up to 11. You have my sympathies though.. xw said she was now taking some injections for her migraines too, but I don't know what to believe lol.



It suddenly hit me why I had been feeling off since my trip to NY. Before it, I was excited about working on music again and a lot of other things. Post trip, I gained ten pounds and found myself back into depression, anxiety and now even insomnia, which I never used to get. Sure, the funeral was emotional and stressful, as the trip came out of no where. But it was my mom's accident that did it.

It was drug and alcohol related. My dad and sister called to tell me what happened and then I didn't hear anything for two days. There's no cell service up there, so I left a couple messages on my parents answering machine and two days later my mom calls me and says everything is fine. So my mom wrecks her car on some back country road up near Canada and everything is fine. She was that way about my grandpa passing away too.

She was just in denial about everything and her feelings. That's the same stuff that xw put me through too and I suppose that made the connection much clearer, but my mom can nitpick my weight, but we won't talk about her dad dying or a drug and alcohol related accident that just happened. It was just that whole power imbalance that did it and it really made me feel invalidated. Of course, I didn't address it at the time, partly because I was just shocked she'd do that and also because I was glad she was ok. But I went right into my "I don't matter" tailspin, but I pulled out of it because I have a new normal to check myself against now.

Anyway, I had a pretty good weekend. S had homecoming Friday night and that went pretty well. I had xw on standby to pick him up, because S's plans kept changing and I didn't want to spend all day driving. She agreed and then when I told her I didn't need her to get S, she had a fishy story about not being able to drive anyway, because of her physical therapy that day. My sister said it was OM2's birthday and they both left for the day @ 2. She said xw is really being manic and she's probably going to crash and burn again. Things aren't looking good for her at her job.

Saturday I made us just take it easy and it was so worth it. I got the entire house cleaned and got to that relaxed, happy place feeling and it was good to feel it again. The garage is next, but huge progress has been made.

Sunday, S wanted to go busch gardens and we went, but regretted it quickly. Even though it was 87, the feels like was over 100f in the shade. We only spent an hour or two there and we both left feeling like we were going to throw up. I don't remember it being this consistently hot all  year in the 30 or so years I've been here. I may just full on retire, sell the house and buy some land up in NC or somewhere cooler and come back and hang out.

No plans yet though. Despite gaining weight, I've had a few young ladies be friendly with me. While it's entirely validating, I have to pass because I don't want to have the "I'm as old as your dad" conversation.. lol. Well, I haven't met one yet that would make me want to risk it I suppose.. lol.

I could go on a whole rant about retiring from dating in my 40's but I won't. I really admire and relate to that life is just an open road or unwritten story feeling that most young people seem to have. At least here in my town, everyone my age is the opposite and I find it hard to relate to or see it as attractive.  :-\ That's part of the reason I loved xw.. eternal optimism and charm. But she was also a great mom and one of the most down to earth, responsible people I've ever met, aside from the obvious.

Anyway, I also had my first full nights of sleep Friday and Saturday. Here's to the first few steps of getting back to normal!

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #57 on: October 28, 2019, 07:15:19 AM »
It's difficult when you have family members that aren't healthy. Sometimes it feels like it would be best to go NC with the whole world.

Congratulations on getting some sleep. That's still an elusive dream for me.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #58 on: October 29, 2019, 05:06:59 AM »
Thanks! It's still elusive for me too.. the last couple nights were ehh... I wonder if it's the camomile tea I had over the weekend. I really tried to get into the relax zone. I may try it again tonight. Last night I went to bed and I could just feel the blood rushing in my ears and I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep well. I've wondered though if part of my problem isn't in getting up off the couch and ready for bed. Maybe I should just start in bed... lol.

By the time i get in bed, I've gotten S to bed, taken my meds and I'm "up" at that point and it takes me more time to get to sleep. I either need to start my routine earlier or get in bed earlier. W & I used to watch TV in bed and then just go to sleep and I remember feeling more rested then. Of course circumstance have changed since then and I've given S my bedroom TV for his video games since I had a new TV out in the front room. Maybe I can get a small one for the bedroom.

How are things with your granddaughter?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #59 on: October 29, 2019, 05:15:18 AM »
Or if you had a tablet or a laptop you can download all kinds of good channel on Netflix or Hulu.   ;D
You can also use your ear buds too, if you want.

I'm always falling asleep watching something on my laptop.  Hulu's only $5.99 a month.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #60 on: October 29, 2019, 05:51:57 AM »
Or if you had a tablet or a laptop you can download all kinds of good channel on Netflix or Hulu.   ;D
You can also use your ear buds too, if you want.

I'm always falling asleep watching something on my laptop.  Hulu's only $5.99 a month.

Actually, the blue color of the light from an LCD/LED screen is one of the worst things you can have before bed. Blue light stops or slows the production of Melatonin (Sleep Hormone) in the brain so you end up feeling more awake. Some Laptops/Tablets have an "evening mode" where the screen tones are shifted towards the red end of the Spectrum and away from the blue end of the spectrum to help people to fall asleep more regularly and naturally... I have to have a "No Screen"time for my kids after about 19:30 so it gives my S12 and D8 time to "come down" from the blue light ramp up.
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #61 on: October 29, 2019, 07:00:01 AM »
I had no idea.  :o

 I don't know if I have an evening mode, I'll check, but I fall asleep just fine.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #62 on: October 29, 2019, 07:16:10 AM »
Thunder, I ditched cable years ago.. lol I have netflix, hulu and amazon. I've been wanting to build another multimedia computer and part of that is I want to make a broadcast TV dvr out of it. PBS has a lot of good shows i'm just not home to watch. It's silly, but part of my "having a good night" is finding something on TV to be engaged with. I like a good documentary or a well written mystery. I was thinking it'd be cool to do a projector in the bed room, but i'd have to buy an LED fanless one. in a bedroom, the fan would be so loud it'd be frustrating.

But yeah, I'm always passing out to something on hulu, netflix or amazon  ;D I zonk out no prob too. lol as I said, I think it's the walk from the couch to the bed that does me in.

UM, I'd love to be on a schedule that didn't necessitate "winding down" as most activities these days are tied to some kind of screen. As I was just saying, to feel relaxed, I need to have my brain engaged.. I know that's kinda counter intuitive, but I spend so much time doing rote tasks during the day.. driving, fixing ect it's relaxing for me to come home to something complex and engaging.

I'd actually like to have a woodshop out in the garage. That'd be a goal. I've always wanted to make rustic, yet modern furniture. There's tons of hipster places around town I could sell them on consignment. That'd be a cool retirement hobby too..





Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #63 on: October 29, 2019, 08:32:34 AM »
Gman, I cut the cord a long time ago too.  It was getting more and more expensive every year and they started cutting channels out I liked, but of course I had 5/6 sports channels I didn't watch. ::)
I have not missed cable, even once.

Anyway our apartment complex got free WiFi, my XH gave me a Roku (he had 2) and I love it!!
I'll never be without one.  You buy it one time and it's yours.  Tons of free channels and you only pay for the pay channels you want.
Then you can switch over to the regular, local channels and you have everything.   :)

I have to say, I think you're right.  My H would fall asleep on the couch pretty regularly, sleep for a few hours, then wake up and go to bed.  He was constantly tired.  I think it was because his sleep was chopped up.
When he started forcing himself to go to bed right away he felt much more rested the next day.
Might be something to try.   :)

The woodworking? That could be a perfect hobby you could carry into retirement, and make a little money also.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #64 on: October 29, 2019, 09:17:54 AM »
I cut the cord not too long after BD. For a long time I couldn't concentrate well enough to watch TV anyway. I still can't watch an entire movie but I can watch one if I break it up into segments and I can watch shorter shows. 20 to 25 minutes seems to be about my limit.

I have Amazon Prime now. I also have a lot of DVDs but I don't watch much TV so Prime is fine for me. I like to watch a short, stupid sitcom at the end of the day. It helps me to turn off my brain. I also have a small dish of ice cream so that I'm not going to bed hungry. Then I take a xanax and melatonin before bed. I have a small reading light by my bed. I read a novel for a couple of minutes after I get into bed and after 5 or ten minutes I either fall asleep while reading or I'm too tired to continue reading so I turn off the light and go to sleep.

My sleep problem is due to the fact that I can't go to bed before 1am. I try but there's a voice in my head that starts screaming if I try to go to bed earlier. I think going to bed is a trigger for me. It was about 1am, shortly after going to bed, that my wife told me that she had a "friend". I never did sleep that night or the next night. I wish we would have gone to bed at 10pm that night.

The situation with my granddaughter is complicated. I think she's doing well. She wrote to me a couple of minutes ago to tell me that she's doing her first dissection today in her Anatomy and Physiology course. An eyeball and a brain. I told her to have fun and added that it's too bad she couldn't have waited for two days and done the dissection on Halloween!

The problem is my daughter is having a really hard time letting my granddaughter go. Last night my daughter told me that she and my granddaughter aren't talking. She's upset because she wanted my granddaughter to come home last weekend to carve pumpkins with her brothers. My granddaughter didn't come home because she had things she wanted to do at school.

It's a bit more complicated than that because my daughter seems to think that my granddaughter should be her best friend and do what my daughter wants her to do and my granddaughter is afraid to tell her mother anything that might disappoint or upset her mother so my granddaughter made up a reason for not coming home and now my daughter is mad at my granddaughter for "lying" to her.

So I'm stuck in the middle and when I tried to point out that my granddaughter is 18 and part of being 18 is learning to be independent and have your own identity separate from your parents my daughter started crying, leaving me feeling like a real sh!t. That's why I made the comment last night about going NC with the world. The urge to run away and start a new life hasn't ever completely gone away. I hear that the weather is nice in Florida. Anyway, thanks for asking. Enjoy the time you have left with your son!

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #65 on: October 31, 2019, 06:44:55 AM »
It's really tough at that age and I think that's a large part of the reason my xw went into MLC (aside from her mom passing away). Kids become their own people and you have to give them the independence to match. But.. your daughter should be focusing on keeping the lines of communication open and being more flexible with your granddaughter.  I can imagine it's really hard to do the balancing act of being a parent and evolving that to a sort of parent / friend relationship as the kid gets older. 

That's an awful position for your daughter to put your granddaughter into where she feels she has to lie and you're in the middle now. my mom was mad the other day she hasn't seen me or S since they got back from new york, but then she complained about all she had to do now that's she back too. Normally we'd all go out to eat or go over and it's never a big deal, but she's got a lot to do and it sounds like she just hasn't had time for it. I hear you on the NC thing.. I'm getting tired of being the "accommodater" for everyone. It's another reason I stopped dating. I don't have the the time right now, but I'm also not going to be with someone who isn't giving equally to me. And when it's your mom, you either have to just put up with it or enforce boundaries. Frustrating when it's people that should care for us.

I'd love for my son to have his own friends to hang out with and I actively encourage it. I know I'll always be here, but he's got to learn to do things on his own too. The sad thing is some (not all) of his friend's parents won't let their kids hang out with S because they don't want to drive or even meet half way to exchange the kids, since we live so far from everywhere else. It's frustrating and it hurts S a lot. I'd be fine with him going home from school with someone and I'd pick up too.. but hardly ever happens.

Well, turns out S wants his friend to come over and then I'll drive them to school in the morning. OK that's pretty lazy..  ::) XW is wrapped up in having a kid again to do things with as he can talk and move around on his own. She's having her aunt and cousin and her kid over to go walk around with her kid.
And get this.. S is invited, which is fine, but she wanted to meet at the library to pick him up.  :o She gets my mail, will clean when she isn't asked and so on, but I can't even go to her house and drop him off. I just find that funny.. There's a big barrier between me and her life over there. Which is fine with me anyway, but I think it says volumes on it's own. lol.

The weather down here, has been to hot lately. S & I went to busch gardens Sunday and it was so hot we both left feeling like we were going to throw up. I'm hoping to get to NC around Asheville in Dec and move up a few degrees of longitude. I think I was just saying that a post or two ago, I may just move up there after retirement and vacay down here. I don't know, but most of my plans involve driving around in a vehicle camping and checking out places. I'm going to be here for quite a while still, but you're welcome to come down whenever!  ;D






Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #66 on: November 14, 2019, 07:07:10 AM »
heidi ho neighborino.. I suppose I should update.

I figured out what's behind my burnout feeling..

Part of it was the funeral. It was abrupt and no getting around that honestly. I'm the only one who acknowledges my mom's drinking problem and W keeps having accidents in her car.. That's on them, but it's also hard watching the people you love try and hurt themselves.

But most of my burn out feeling is coming from the fact that i quit dating. While I was dating, it was an empowering experience. I said no and formed boundaries for the first time in my life.

I kept having the same type of experience over and over though that I've gotten hung up on. You've seen me try and work it out over the last few months, but I've finally narrowed it down to what it is.. The women that I liked, that I felt I had chemistry with, all pushed me away. This has always happened to me too, before xw and online dating.

I really likedK alot, the first one, I think. She was cute, artsy and a lot of fun. She put me into an on and off kind of thing and she found something to do on my side of town and she wanted to come out and see me. We went to a comedy club and had a great time. The flow was on and other couples even thought we were a couple. So after the show, she wanted to go sit outside for a bit before she had to drive across the bay. So we walked over to a patio bar and I pulled a chair out for her and went to the bar and got us two cups of water. I set hers down in front of her and sat down across from her and started talking about something and she looked at the water confused.

I know what happened. I did something nice and thoughtful for her, without being asked. I never heard from her again after that and she even took me off  her facebook. It wasn't a big deal.. I just did something considerate and I guess she had such bad self esteem she thought I was too good for her or something.

To quote Thomas magnum, I know what you're thinking; who knows what it was, it could have been anything. You'll just have to trust me on this, that I know it's a pattern.. I meet people that are fun and seem great and somehow don't notice how emotionally unavailable they are.

I think it's 50/50. There are a lot of good liars out there that just use people or misrepresent themselves and it's also me. I don't have the social skills to understand how to read signals in others, or about the ones I'm sending out. I have awareness, but I don't know what to do about it or how to move on.

But.. I just feel pretty undateable and absolutely drained by nearly everyone in my life. A large part of that is my son. I'm having a lot of trouble getting him to be independent and responsible on his own. If I don't see big changes in the next year, I'm thinking therapy and meds is the way to go.

I'm burned out on having the same argument with him every night. All he has to do is clean his room (plates, garbage ect). It's five minutes worth of work and he knows he has to do it nightly. I even give him a choice.. I ask him to tell me in the next half hour or hour when he wants to do it. I can't even do that, because he accuses me of thinking he's lazy, telling him to do it before he can do it on his own ect. Every day there's a screaming melt down over something completely normal and expected.

I'm just running out of energy doing it on my own. I have fears about him getting a job and how this all translates into adult life. I want my own life and I can't do that without creating more arguments. He sleeps in until 1-2 on Saturday and I get home from airsoft at 5. For all he knows, I've been gone 3 hours, but he says he thinks it's a "bit too much" every time I get home.

I don't have a good outlet for venting about him. He just doesn't understand what I go through to support him, despite me making it very clear many times over and he doesn't seem to get I'm a separate person with different needs and desires. I'm just so tired of having to argue for and maintain my boundaries over and over with him. To make it worse, I feel guilty because I'm at this point where I'm like if he doesn't like it, he can go stay with his mom.

I'll deal with dating later.. I'm a smart guy, I'll get it figured out. I just don't know what to do about my son..  :-\


In other news, I was texting w/ xw a few weeks ago and in response to something, I said I need a vacay. I thought it was pretty clear I was joking, but she asked me if I was ok and didn't respond to her because I just left work and was in the car for quite a while. She called me later wanting to know what was wrong. I said nothing and that I was just joking. I told her S had stayed home from school that day and I was talking to K (the office person at his school) and she was like "whose K?!?". I thought that was funny.. but I did tell her I was just too busy to text her back.. I think my sister was right, she's sensing the distance now between us.

My birthday was yesterday and S & I went to cheesecake factory at the mall on the way home. My sister made a surprise visit to my house with my niece and BIL, which was really nice. it was very thoughtful on her part as she lives near my parents and S & I are always over there for holidays.

It was kind of a big deal too since, at least in our family, my birthday is the start of the our holidays. Then thanksgiving, Christmas, new year's and Easter, my sister's birthday ect. We all see each other at least once a month through the fall, winter and spring until my parents head up north for the summer.

This is the second year my parents haven't been to my birthday, because of my mom and the issues with her parents, which is absolutely more than ok, but it the absence is noticeable, I suppose. But you know rich people, they live on the party rotation schedule so lol.

Anyway, xw is all questions and follow up questions about it, since she was at every birthday and event thereafter for the last 15 years. Oh well, her loss..


« Last Edit: November 14, 2019, 07:33:39 AM by gman242 »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #67 on: November 14, 2019, 07:53:45 AM »
GMan,

I didn't see where you asked for advice but...

A couple of questions maybe instead of "advice" wrt S

What would happen if, instead of you asking when he will clean up, you gave him a set time by which it had to be done (because, say, you need to run the dishwasher or something - something tangible that needs to happen and in order for it to happen, he has to has his part done )? Setting a boundary and then letting him be responsible for complying with it?

In terms of the AirSoft - what would it be like to turn the tables on him a bit and, instead of him commenting that "it is too much" ask him WHY he thinks it is too much and what he would like instead. Put the onus back onhim to come up with ideas and solutions.  Have hm buy into solving the problem.

It is VERY easy for people (especially teenies) to say what they do NOT want and then we are left to try to mind read what that means in plain language and figure out what it is they DO want. It is MUCH more work for them to really THINK about what it is that they want instead but the real responsibility lies exactly there.

Just a couple of ideas that came to mind... My S is 12 and we have some of the same issues but since he is only with me about 50-60%, I have it easier in some respects....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #68 on: November 14, 2019, 09:40:14 AM »
Gman,

I have no advice for the dating thing other than DONT guess what other people think....ask.

As far as the teenager...I see you are really frustrated with his inability to respect your boundaries. Have you taught him boundaries? Are the boundaries between the 2 of you changing now that he is a teen, I know me and s15’s boundaries have changed significantly in the last few months.

Teenagers are learning how they fit in the world, where they begin and their parents end. They are learning to handle things that they have always handles through you by themselves. It’s this epic struggle between I want to think my own thoughts and make my own decisions and be different and separate from my parents and why can’t everyone read my mind, and that everything is done in relation to them.

They are egocentric, they don’t realize that they are not and cannot be everyone else’s first priority 24/7......because everyone their age is also only focused on themselves.

Have you thought about family therapy? That might be a great place to learn skills together and learn a system that works the best for the 2 of you. Just a thought.

I find that the asking questions to let s15 arrive at his own answers is the most difficult but the most productive way of handling most of the times when the world works differently than he see it at the moment. We both leave feeling triumphant, s15 because he got respect and was allowed to figure it out himself, and me because he gets it now, and that’s one less thing to fight about. It has to be his idea though if it is to be consistent.

If you discover a way to get teenagers to do chores that works let me know.

The good side is it’s an excellent place to work out your issues with expectations of other people.....🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #69 on: November 14, 2019, 10:24:53 AM »
The women that I liked, that I felt I had chemistry with, all pushed me away.

Welcome to my life Gman. :(

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #70 on: November 14, 2019, 10:53:58 AM »
Brain, I've come to the conclusion that we only attract people at opposite ends of the spectrum.. clingers or pushers. It really sends me into a dark spiral trying to figure out why. Especially since I've been persecuted and abused my whole life for simply being who I am. Maybe going along with couraged's point, I need therapy along with my S.

Couraged, UM,

I've done everything by the book with him. I've given warnings, consequences, I even put a clock on his desk and it got pushed behind it by a pile of plates. I've tried talking to him and he just wants out of the hot seat. His answers are always I don't know, he doesn't understand how he feels and it becomes another shut down / melt down.

I think I just need to owe up and an admit he needs help. He told me recently he's afraid of failing at life because he can't remember to do anything or get anything done. I think he puts as much pressure on himself as I do.

I know I have ADHD, but I've been able to try and I've failed enough to realize that I wasn't getting the results I should have been based on the amount of effort that was going into things. S, won't even try. Just because he won't or he's so locked into his computer, that deadlines and warnings will fly by and then I get upset and I get screamed at about how he's almost done and all of the accusations he normally throws at me.

Today, he wore pants to school that were covered in snot. He was recently sick and I suppose that despite the fact that I took a box of tissue into his room, he wouldn't even use them and instead used his pants because they were closer and it was easier than having to get the box of tissues from where they were. He never puts his clothes away, so he doesn't know what's dirty or clean and he can't focus long enough anyway to say oh hey, these are nasty, I need another pair.

Out of all the kids that go to his school, he looks the worst. He won't treat his acne, brush his hair.. he positively smells when I pick him up in he afternoon and when I make him take a shower (yes I have to stand there and make sure he uses soap and doesn't loiter)  the bathroom smells like a homeless person has been in it.

I think I'm realizing that he won't be able to cope with college and it's allowing me to see that I've done my best, but it isn't working as his problems are just .. problems and it's nothing I have or haven't been doing. He has serious attention issues, ODD, OCD and I think I've been becoming resentful because I see the same 10,000 yard stare his mom always had because she had a way of avoiding dealing with everything. He sits on the computer and she stayed in bed.

I know in a lot of ways he's a normal teenager, but I don't think I can help him. I also am terrified he's going to fail out of college, because he's not on a routine with teachers standing over his shoulder telling him what to do. I get it free through work, but he bombs out, they're done.

I guess I'll add looking for a therapist to my list of things to do.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2019, 11:05:12 AM by gman242 »

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #71 on: November 14, 2019, 11:27:19 AM »
I wish i could be more objective when I post. It's hard for me to think clearly when the emotions are often swirling around in my head, but that's also because I am feeling a lack of control over the situation. I need to learn that's a good point to step back, cool off and take an inventory of what the bigger picture is.

Brain, here's an article I just found. It's on the right track i think, for me anyway. I'd like to get deeper into this kind of thinking.

https://www.heraldmailmedia.com/deseret/life/reasons-you-still-attract-crazy-people/article_3f8bf08a-2946-59be-aea8-a979c14f41b1.html

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #72 on: November 14, 2019, 11:43:29 AM »
Gman,

Try to imagine something.....imagine that S feels like he is a failure because he couldn’t make xw stay and love him......imagine that he hears this same shame message every time he forgets or avoids doing things you ask him to do and then fight......now he can’t make you love him either.
If he’s anxious, or depressed that translates into not taking care of yourself or surroundings and delaying tasks and putting things off.
If he had that type of shame message than it would be swirling in his head when you guys fought over him not doing chores....he would beat himself up even more.....and with an inability or inadequate coping skills to stop that relentless shame message he would lash out at you to make you stop.....because he wouldn’t be hearing what you said.....he would only be hearing his own shame message.

Is that what’s happening, I don’t know.  You could ask.
But if it is....you have been learning through this horrid crisis how to deal with those as well. You are the very best person to help him, to teach him self care and to practice being open with each other and talking through the tough emotions that come with life.

Mine does it over homework.....and he avoids schoolwork like the plague....because his shame message is that he is dumb....he isn’t.....but he doesn’t believe that yet....hence why we stop the spiral, and point out when he’s hearing people say That, instead of whatever it was that they actually said. And therapy.

You are doing good even if you don’t see it. You are not rug sweeping, you are dealing with stuff as it comes up and I can see how much you love and care for your son in your concern for him.
Keep your chin up. 😊
Me 36
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S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #73 on: November 14, 2019, 01:41:07 PM »
Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression G. I don't attract crazy people. I don't attract anyone at all. I think I would probably settle for crazy.

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #74 on: November 14, 2019, 01:43:27 PM »
HI Gman,

    I was a troubled child as well. I am not sure what I had as I never sought any counceling. We can call in painintheassitis if you want. My father wasn't around when I needed him to push me or correct my behavior. My mom certainly wasn't able to. The biggest lessons I learned was when I got into real trouble. You sound like an amzing father and you should be proud. Like you said sometimes it's just life and he need some professional help.

  I will say my boys, I have two. Wouldn't even change their clothes unless I told them to. They would be more than happy wearing the same thing over and over. My oldest smelled also LOL. He didn't change until he started looking at getting a girlfriend.

  Keep doing what you are doing Gman. There is no manual unfortunatley but someday and this I promise you, he will come to thank you for all you did.
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Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #75 on: November 14, 2019, 07:31:30 PM »
Couraged, thank you for taking the time to post, I appreciate it! :) He thinks he's just lazy, but I know it's the ADHD.. he's been like this since he was 3 or so. xw and I never really argued about him. She mostly argued about me.. but that's another and old story.. lol.

If anything, about a year ago, I suddenly got told by everyone how well he was doing in school, scouts etc. The bad thing here was they all said they knew for a year something was going on with him and nobody bothered to ask or tell me. If you want to know what's behind "toxic masculinity" (I hate that phrase) this is it. Nobody asked, no letters or phone calls home.. just hands off.. and then when he's doing better than what's expected of him, congrats all around. Sad really..

I guess I should lighten up on him, maybe? His grades are good, but I see his personal habits suffering lately. And I worry, he's got a big transition I don't think he's ready for in the next year and my anxiety is coming out in the posts. I do care, I care a lot, so thank you all!


I had some shower thoughts and I think I feel like I don't matter, or have been feeling that way since I got back from the funeral. My mom has always had her alcohol and pill problems and I think she's going to decline slowly the rest of her life. She's 72 now. Xw's grandmother just passed away after a bad fall. Nobody bothered to tell her until a week or two later.

Anyway, since the funeral, I've been depressed and gained 10 pounds. The last couple years, I worked out, lost 40 and made huge personal strides. but.. there were no amazing cash and prizes like everyone said there would be. I've changed, but my life hasn't. There's no new someone special, My mom's an alcoholic, xw is still in MLC, I have the same arguments with S every night and they hired a guy nobody likes to do a job they feel I wasn't good enough for at work.  So.. I feel like I'm all cause and no effect right now.  :-\ That's the nutshell, post shower thoughts version.

Brain, I bet you attract people, you just don't notice. Let me take you out shooting and develop your eye. lol. I bet if you started looking around you'd notice some lingering stares. Seriously, you're like mcgyver, the IT, EMT, ESQ.

Father, thanks man! I guess I don't cut myself any slack or give myself enough credit. We've always had a good relationship too, so there's that.. He's the same though.. his mom has made him change clothes when she's come over because he's still wearing the same clothes from several days prior when he sent her a pic or something. lol. I mean, like yeah, dad's bad, but he's also a grown man. Am I really going to hold him down and force him to change? There's only so much I can do.. lol.

But I worry for real because he gives himself asthma attacks by not cleaning his room, he won't take his allergy meds and now he's got an infected pimple on his face. Do your kids get into the shower, stand there and just get out? I just don't know what's wrong with him sometimes. He goes to such lengths to avoid hygiene and it only hurts him in the long run when it's just faster to take his meds or whatever.

The meds are another screaming issue.. 2 seconds and they're down and gone. but 20 mins of yelling about how he doesn't need to be told to do is better, along with wearing pants with snot on them to school. No, there's no manual for that and not enough beer lol.

Do guys go out for beer and talk and complain about everything like women do with wine? They should, I think they're seriously missing out.

I also think it's partly the humidity down here. It's 70 something and 90%+ humidity. It feels awful. I just heard on NPR, they're considering closing several military bases in Florida because the sustained "feels like" index is so high now, it's bad for the troops. I don't know how long I'm going to last. It's been hot march through right now.. We've had one cold day the other day without the humidity. I bought a dehumidifier for the house and re did the weather stripping.

Anyway.. I internalize too much and this hasn't been an easy time for me. You guys are awesome. I laughed a little, got some perspective.. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments. I think people need not to be isolated and it's hard when you're doing it all alone. Thank God there's here right?

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #76 on: November 14, 2019, 08:17:46 PM »
You should come back up here to NY. Yesterday started at 12 with hardly any humidity. All of the outside plants are dead so that should help with the asthma. And where I live pants with snot on them would blend right in with all of the pants with horse and cow manure on them. Plus, we have old fashioned communities here where nobody in the entire community showers. Most of them don't even have indoor plumbing.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #77 on: November 14, 2019, 08:35:46 PM »
What, are you in Lewis county? Lol please say no.. Do you have a bathtub mary? I like to count those for some reason when I'm back home.

I thought you were further west for some reason. Although I should know that by your alma mater.

Yeah I miss it.. Suburban Syracuse was a always butthole, but even then it had its charm. It's now getting the strip mall make over down here has. Kinda sad.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #78 on: November 14, 2019, 08:54:13 PM »
I'm farther west and south but I was in Syracuse a month ago running a half marathon along the Onondaga Lake shoreline. I'm not crazy about Syracuse but that half marathon is a great race with a very scenic route. This is the second time I've run it and both times I've finished fast enough to qualify for the following year's NYC Marathon.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #79 on: November 15, 2019, 02:20:12 AM »
GMan,

Something occurred to me while rereading your thread and it goes back to the "Patio Bar Incident."

You offered her a chair and then went to the bar to get something to drink for you both.... Did you ask her what she would like? Did she perhaps have some expectation that you'd return with something other than a glass of water that were not met?

Your description of your S reminds me a bit of the son of a friend of mine. He was addicted to his e-Devices to the point where he would skip school and even pee himself rather than get up from his computer games.... She had to take ALL of his e-Toys away (SmartPhone, Nintendo, PC, the works) after even intensive Therapy didn't yield a lot of results. Since that point, he is MUCH better and has taken up swimming, plays Piano, has taken up Karate, is involved with a youth group at the local church (while not wanting to "join" it - he is actually leading one of the groups).... He also had melt-downs when being reminded of things he needed to do, wouldn't shower, etc., etc., etc. 
Me - 56
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #80 on: November 15, 2019, 05:22:32 AM »
UM, it was 2am when we went to the patio bar. I just inferred she wanted to sit down to sober up before she drove home. She had quite a ways to go across the bay and I know she's the kind of person that would prefer to take an Uber or cab if she could.

I did a lot of research into emotionally unavailable people over the summer and I read an article that was written by a woman that really clicked with me. Long story short, she had never known kindness before and when she got it, she felt insecure, afraid and it made her push people away. I think people like that are attracted to genuinely kind people (like me) because they want all that, but freak out when they get it.

Maybe the whole chair and cup routine didn't mean anything, but I've just noticed that there's a little deal breaker like that, that usually heralds the end of things for me. She had a boyfriend she lived with for two years up in Maryland she was really hung up on. I think she moved down here to get away from him and maybe she didn't want to be hurt again or whatever.

W did the same thing to me. I drove her to pick up a cage and supplies for a ferret she wanted, because I had a truck. I spent an hour or two with her putting the cage together and at the end of the night I went to tell her good night and she pretty much told me to firetruck off. I should have dumped her then I guess (which is what I think she wanted me to do), but I think we were really in love and that won over.  :-\  I've also had a ton of women off the dating apps accuse me of being a player and working off of a "script" because I said something nice about them. I know now it's them, projection and bad self esteem and so on. I need to learn better partner picking skills and be more conscious of the signals I send out. I really liked your give less and encourage people to meet you in the middle approach you were talking about in another thread.

I also just think dating sucks in my 40.. lol. When I was 20, I could go out with anyone I wanted. If you actually noticed she did her hair differently, she just melted all over the place. People in general were just so open minded at that age. Every new person was a new adventure waiting to happen. Now, nobody wants to get hurt again, or they're looking for something that nobody can measure up to or they're using you. That last one happened back then too, but much more success than failures over all.

S, when he was 3 or so, used to have a few pee pee spots around his room, because he didn't want to go to the bathroom. Thankfully, it was in things that could be washed or thrown out and I am glad I'm not the only one. I think there's something deeper at work here though than simple addiction. I'm glad she was able to find what worked for him.

S used to love gymnastics when he was a kid. He was really good to the point they wanted him to compete. We tried getting him back into that and he said no.. I will say, much like your friends kid, when he does go to the couple of gaming clubs he does, he's a natural leader at them. He helps set up and clean up and he's a hell of a host.

I need to dig a little deeper for groups for us to get into. Finding and sticking with social activities has always been my weak spot. I have been wanting to go hiking more, so maybe on non airsoft days and Sundays, we can get up early and go to a park.

Brain, I was watching the Simpsons and last season they did an episode about upstate and they went through every city but Syracuse.. they even mentioned Copenhagen so I guess, nobody is really crazy about it :lol: It may have been removed from the maps aeons ago if it weren't for the orange men. Or the mall.. canucks love that place for some reason.  :D My aunt and cousins live just off of skaneateles lake. That's pretty picturesque. Some parts of it look very European. On the flight home, we had a really good view of the finger lakes.

That is awesome though about qualifying! You should definitely drop that at cocktail parties. lol

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #81 on: November 15, 2019, 05:59:15 AM »
Gman,

Have you read Codependent No More. I’ll be honest....I wasn’t expecting to terribly much from the book when I ordered it. Boy was I wrong.

It allowed me to identify a huge number of beliefs I held that weren’t right. It showed me what those beliefs looked like in action....I could see them in other people now, it helped me set boundaries, it was like this key I had been given to myself and others, and my family and I could start to see who, and where I learned these beliefs from.

It has helped me be able to identify unhealthy people within a few sentences.

If you haven’t read it....might be worth the read before attempting to date.

No one walks around with their attachment style printed on their forehead....but their actions and words will show you their unhealed wounds. You can see where they have or don’t have clear boundaries.

You might consider it.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #82 on: November 15, 2019, 06:33:58 AM »
I haven't! I just looked it up and it got awesome reviews on amazon!

I have zero plans of dating right now. I've just reached the point of self awareness and I haven't even begun to explore that yet.

I agree with you 100%, that it's all in the words and actions and that my filters, radar and whatever, just needs re-tuning and it's something I really want to work on and accomplish.

I will definitely read it, thank you!

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #83 on: November 15, 2019, 02:53:26 PM »
I also just think dating sucks in my 40.. lol. When I was 20, I could go out with anyone I wanted. If you actually noticed she did her hair differently, she just melted all over the place. People in general were just so open minded at that age. Every new person was a new adventure waiting to happen. Now, nobody wants to get hurt again, or they're looking for something that nobody can measure up to or they're using you. That last one happened back then too, but much more success than failures over all.

Wait until you're 60. I think most people become more rigid, close minded, and set in their ways as they age. Note that I said MOST, not all. but I think this is a big reason why people are often attracted to younger people.

It's funny how people choose to define who you are. I seem to be defined by my running. When I meet new people around town they often will say "Oh yeah, you're the guy who runs marathons". Or the person introducing me will mention that I run marathons. Which is ok. I can think of worse things to be defined by. At least they don't say "Oh yeah, you're the guy whose wife dumped you for another guy".

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #84 on: November 18, 2019, 05:32:33 AM »
Brain, I've seen women complain about men only wanting younger women on some of the dating sites. Now that I'm in that market, I totally get it. I don't see it from a sexual point of view at all. A few months ago, I was in the elevator carrying a ladder and one of the younger nursing students talked with me on the way up. I had some trouble getting the ladder in the elevator and she made a couple jokes and we talked for under a minute, but after I got out and walked down the hall, I realized that had been the first time in a long time a woman had made me feel like a normal human being.

Younger people in general are just more open to new people and experiences. Women fill their profiles with quotes like "I guess I have to be on here since men won't talk to you at the grocery store anymore" but the reality is they make it impossible. I can't even say excuse me to a woman over 30 without feeling like I violated her somehow.

I had a pretty good laugh to myself Saturday night.. After airsoft I hung around talking with some of the older kids at the field. I felt rested and it was really cold and it turned out to be a good day at the field. Most of the people had packed and left and it was just me and kids and one of the girl's mom had just driven off. The gang was driving to a restaurant to have a impromptu birthday party for one of the younger kids. They were letting him ride in one of the guys Hummers. Another reason I like airsoft.. it's such a community. Anyway, as her mom drove off, she was like "Oh hey, no parents!". I just really had to laugh to myself. Here I am, 45 years old, I have a kid at home and for all they care, I'm just one of them. And i don't feel any different honestly. But people my age are so angry, insecure and as you were kinda getting to, defined by their lifestyles.

Being the running guy isn't so bad. It's a good ice breaker! You should totally drop all those qualifying times into the conversation! I think that's part of my frustration and lack of success, socially.. I don't think people can define me and I can't even define myself. I just do what I want when I want and I know that's always made people uncomfortable since I just don't come in a "box". I look at all the profiles on the dating sites and it's all drinking, paddle boarding, sky diving and yoga and I'm like boring.. Where's the heavy metal, camping, mountain biking and other fun stuff? lol.

Part of me gets really down about myself because I feel I have nothing to offer a woman socially and most of the "good women" tend to be on that side of the street. Stable jobs, family orientated and so on, but they want a guy that will keep up with the jonses too.. and I've never been that guy. Maybe I'm an old soul, but I always knew as soon as your played the game, you lost. lol.

I have nothing against non social, introverted women for the record. But my experience has often been that a lot of them have poor self esteem and they leave me feeling drained. But on the flip side, the social women all push me away because they also tend to be more emotionally unavailable. Finding a good partner for me who is right in the middle has been a real pickle. lol.

But to get back to you point, I don't ever see myself getting all moldy and oldy. Life may be hard, but I still think it's pretty awesome.

Couraged, I did research on the book you mentioned and I think I too, need to readjust my concept of codependent. I'm finding many things aren't the way we've always assumed they were. Like, I do have focus problems and the ADD meds I'm on have helped tremendously. However, they've also helped me let go of looping thoughts. Shifting focus off of them is also a part of ADD and I never realized that. It's been easier since I've been on them to let go of those negative thought loops.

I think I'm in some transition right now. I'm realizing that I've never had my needs met before and that's not what I would have considered codependency, but it makes a lot of sense. What's happened this fall was that watching my mom cope with taking care of her parents and her father's passing has been hard for me. I've been there for her (her needs are being met) and then she wrecked her car and I still don't know what happened because nobody will tell me. There are 3 days where nobody will tell me what happened.

My mom barges into my life at 45 and tells me what to do, I'm there for her and suddenly, she's fine, nothing happened. That's exactly what i went through with xw. She's never happy and I have to fix everything, but me? She doesn't owe me anything. My family doesn't owe me an explanation of what happened to my mom.

It's incredibly, deeply invalidating. And then I come home and argue with S over the same things day in and day out and I feel like I don't exist. It's no wonder I've been depressed, gained ten pounds and gotten behind on a lot of things. It's been really freaking hard to deal with. I don't give myself nearly enough credit..

I went back to the lady I see for the Xanax and I told her my mornings are really hard. From the time I get up until maybe 9 or 10, they're incredibly bleak and gloomy. She asked me why I never tried the last prescription she gave me and I told her all of the mood stabilizers they've put me on before have made me feel numb and dizzy, to the point I had fallen down a couple times. I just can't be on anything that interferes with me that way as I drive and get on ladders everyday for work.

I am really sensitive to medications and all of my med levels are really low so she suggested I try it as it has the least side effects and it's a low does and after only 3 days I've noticed a huge difference. I can get right out of bed and on with my day now. So between the ADD meds and this, I'm now feeling really good..

As I was saying to brain, I need to be more conscious of the signals I send other people and I've been doing a lot of reading on how not to be "too nice" and it's been eye opening. It's not about being a jerk, but about how being a nice person lets too many of the wrong people into your life and not enough of the right ones.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 07:02:26 AM by gman242 »

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #85 on: November 18, 2019, 06:46:58 AM »
GMan,

I like this post a whole bunch. Let me tell you why.

I see you. You are unique and different and have your own set of things that you value and that makes your heart sing/happy. It seems as though you are worried those thing may not be attractive or desired by someone else. First of all who cares.....it’s about feeding your soul. Second of all....why not put that on a dating site.....imagine what a relief it will be to the one woman who likes those things and finds herself scrolling through and endless barrage of yoga, and paddle boarding enthusiasts.

I also see you putting people in categories, but then we cannot all be grouped like that, and if you do group people in that way you might miss some really wonderful people.

Third I want to point out that emotionally healthy people don’t just click....that would be codependents. You know when people’s wounds or bad coping mechanisms meet and they think “oh wow, this feels perfectly natural.”  It takes time to trust, to open up, and to get to know another person.

One of my favorite lessons from “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch (which you can watch on YouTube it’s amazing) is this one:
“ Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress. When you're pissed off at someone and you're angry at them, you just haven't given them enough time. Just give them a little more time and they almost always will impress you.”
Randy Pausch

I have found it to be very true in my life, there is something that you can connect with in every single person. How healthy they are and how much joy they bring to your life is a good way to determine just how much of your life they should be a part of. But if you are meeting people they will fall into several categories (lessons, acquaintances, friends, close friends and partners) so them not being appropriate for the partner category in no way means that you have failed.....maybe you have just met a friend or an acquaintance.

As for the mornings.....I’m sorry that you are having such a rough start to your days.  It’s like beginning the day in a hole you have to climb yourself out of.

May I make a suggestion?
Start by asking yourself what would feel good/refreshing/ invigorating if that’s brushing your teeth, or a walk, drinking your coffee out on the porch or a shower.....whatever that is that will help your physical body to feel refreshed try doing more of that.  I find it often helps if I can just do things that make my body feel better it lifts my mood.

If you want to join me in the uncodependency, welcome.....I am loving it. It’s very freeing and scary and takes an enormous amount of the daily “weight” I’m carrying off of me.

I hope you see how good you are doing and how much more positive your posts sound.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #86 on: November 18, 2019, 07:39:53 AM »
Couraged,

First of all, I agree with you about healthy people not clicking right away. Over the last four years, that's something I've been learning. The first few people I met I was like oh wow! This is fun! and I learned to slow down to the point where I felt like I needed 3-4 dates before I felt like I could even get an idea of what someone was like.

Now the bummer here is I never made it that far. You could say I'd maybe need better skills at picking matches and you'd be right. But on the other hand, I think I got to a point where I all I was getting was mixed signals from other people, lied to, led on and so on.

And I love your quote there. I honestly believe that myself and I'm not going to argue with you on it :)  I totally believe in the beauty in everyone. But, to loop around to what I was just saying.. I need better filtering skills. I'm open to the universe and everything and everyone in it, yes, but I also feel like I'm too nice and I give people chances who never should have had them in the first place. In terms of dating that is. I only group people here, for the sake of conversation about dating. I keep having the same experiences over and over and that's something that needs evaluating. Because I'm only attracting two types, rather than groups? of people.

Socially, I can be friends with anyone and I don't group people there. To me, it's not a matter of grouping people, but how close or far away I'll let someone be to me. I'm friends with everyone from janitors to campus presidents here at work..

But again, if I reach out romantically, I end up with the same two experiences more or less. I am feeling powerless over that one and I think that's where the reading about being too nice fits in. And maybe the opposite of like you were saying. If I slow down and wait and watch, people will also show their true colors, good or bad. What happens to me a lot is someone shows interest and it turns out they just like to flirt. I think this more common than I realize. I have a lot of trouble knowing who is really interested vs those who are just flirting. I don't speak the social language that well as I'm the opposite. I'm a do what I say and mean kind of person.

Being my real self on dating profiles is hard for me. That's partly why I've given it a break. You want to talk about shame messages?  ;D Mine are all about me and who I am. Long story short, I was bullied at home and bullied at school for who I was. Everyone told me nobody liked me and I was just too different and I'd be a loser forever because I couldn't fit in.

So yeah, I hide who i am. I also feel bad because I have too much fun and I don't stop and think "wait! take my picture! I need to look awesome on facebook!". I have thousands of photos, but I'm not in any of them. They're pics of parks I've been to, other people at airsoft ect. And I feel stupid only having selfies of myself. I feel like that says wow, I have no friends, no life and I have to put selfies on profiles.

I feel nothing but shame when it comes to making those things. Maybe that's my problem and why i attract the people that I do. I need to learn to have confidence in myself and my life. I've never had that before either.

Today is different. I think the meds are helping and the edge is coming off of the insomnia so I'm also feeling better and reacting less, but overall, I do have that habit of wallowing for a while and then I get it figured out and I pull out of it. But thank you definitely!
« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 07:44:21 AM by gman242 »

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #87 on: November 18, 2019, 07:51:16 AM »
Gman,

I thought I just needed to find my real self by adding more things I liked......I was wrong.
I find my real self by removing and subtracting anything that encourages me to be less of me.
Anything that hides me, the walls that I keep up to protect me.....underneath all the constraints I have placed on myself is the real Me.

I haven’t met a person yet that didn’t like the real me. I have met lots who weren’t fond of the restricted and suppressed me.

So I’m just working on digging me out of all that mess.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #88 on: November 18, 2019, 11:39:26 AM »
I agree once again! I think I felt my most honest, a bit before and after my high school graduation. I think just the bigness of graduating, college and everything really allowed me to let go and be myself and I think to an extent I was much happier. Then life got more challenging and i started restricting myself because of all the negative messages I've heard. In the last year or so I've been seeing how restraining myself has had a negative affect on other people and their perceptions of me.

I'm going to be open and vulnerable here, because I'm really hung up on this one and I'm just going to put it out there for feed back. Please feel free to PM me rather than post here if you want to. Either is fine. This is open to anyone..

I'm not a creep, so I need at least some kind of an opening from a woman for me to approach her. I get checked out all the time, but I never get an opening kind of signal, unless it's from someone who will make my life absolutely miserable. Let me give you an example..

So last comic con I went with my son. He wanted to dress up and being his first convention, I wore all my airsoft stuff. All of the stuff I have looks pretty real (cause it is real) and I looked pretty good. I'm a built guy, I'm pretty handsome and I looked like I walked over from SOCOM, which is just down the street. I had the police officers that were working the con want to take their photo with me, I was high fiving kids left and right.. I was having a good time.

I'm sure I had some sort of glow going on and I noticed people checking me out. However the only person to give me any kind of opening was, the same typical gross person that always does and I wasn't even acknowledging her. I say gross because she looked like a bar fly. She was carrying two beers and already dropped one of them and got my boots all wet. I didn't mean to rebuff your comments earlier, couraged, but this is the kind of person I'm not open to.

But it's all I can seem to get. I'm hung up on it,  because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. If you simply need to be yourself, it isn't working. i think I hung onto xw for as long as I did because if all I can attract are awful women, she was the most attractive one I've ever had.

I've gone on dates with successful, attractive women and they've done nothing but throw me mixed messages. One of the Ks I dated said I was handsome, charming and smart and she really found it intimidating.

So.. either that's true and I'm only attracting women who don't care who they approach and not attracting women because they are afraid of taking a shot  with me or I'm just not good enough or sending the right signals to get off the bottom of the list for some women.

I just honestly don't know. I have hung out with mutual friends, I've been groped, pawed at, fawned over and so on by women when I've been out and no real interest whatsoever from anyone.

This is holding back a lot of my growth. My shame messages tell me I'm not good enough for someone to treat me well and even though I try, for whatever reason, I can't seem to find someone who isn't just taking from me. Nobody really seems to want to be my friend, or girlfriend or whatever. Unless they're miserable, depressed drunks and then they're all over me. And sadly, I've settled my whole life because I don't know what I can't attract someone better.

I'm not dating. I've decided I'm taking this time to be alone to work on me and try and fix things. So don't worry about that :) that's what I'm doing and why I'm asking.

So please.. lol. advice? I want to improve my self esteem and sense of self worth here. I'm just clueless and like I said, it's a big barrier to better self esteem and worth.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 11:54:07 AM by gman242 »

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #89 on: November 18, 2019, 12:38:18 PM »
Dating advice has to come from someone other than me.
I don’t date, haven’t for headed on 15 years, and prior to that.....well I would basically need someone to walk up with a big flashing sign. I met H at work.

Sorry I don’t know how to help with that one.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #90 on: November 18, 2019, 12:43:25 PM »
It's all good  ;D I figured hey, we're all friends here.. so let's ask.

Long story short, I can't pin it down to either what I am or am not doing. The stuff of anxiety for sure.

And hey! there's a job opening that's right up my alley at the university that I'm going to apply for.

Offline 3Boys4Me

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #91 on: November 18, 2019, 01:12:42 PM »
Hey Gman,

The questions you are asking and self doubt ring bells for many of us, I think your experiences are quite normal as an LBS, and BD and the accompanying detritus of the blast leave us all wounded and questioning our worth.

I am standing so not dating, but I can offer one suggestion - I am a huge fan of Deepak Chopra, I went to his retreat center in San Diego 19 years ago, took one of his four day retreats and learned to meditate. He has tons of videos on you tube - there is one, it’s about twelve minutes long and it’s callEd the secret of attraction - and really, it’s all about just being yourself. For awhile I listened to it everyday - maybe you will find it helpful. https://youtu.be/WO3V97DfPcg

3Boys
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #92 on: November 18, 2019, 01:23:25 PM »
IIRC back when I was dating if I wanted to know if a girl was interested in me I would ask a friend of mine to pass a note to her in class and hope it wasn't intercepted by the teacher. Although when I met my wife I was driving a pretty hot Dodge Challenger. I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride in my car. She did. Maybe I should have kept that car. Maybe she would still be riding in my car.

Dating was a lot simpler back when I was young. All that you needed back then to attract a pretty girl was a hot car. Now you have to fill out a profile listing your strengths, weaknesses, interests, and abilities, include several of your best PhotoShopped action adventure photos, and compose numerous short but witty text messages so that you can get a chance to meet someone face to face who will decide within 60 to 90 minutes that you're too "something" or not enough "something else" to be worth seeing again.

I guess I'd better go car shopping if I decide to start dating. I'm not sure my Tucson would attract the right type of woman. Or any woman for that matter. I should probably buy a big pickup track.

Good luck with the new job opportunity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_eyvTPgnM4

« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 01:57:04 PM by MyBrainIsBroken »

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #93 on: November 19, 2019, 06:40:11 AM »
3Boys, yeah the LBS MLC post BD stuff is part of it. I won't deny it.

I think you and couraged are right, I've never truly owned who I am and lived it guilt free. I've been doing some more reading and I think that I've never accepted who I am either and I frequently "abandon" myself emotionally. Meaning I don't care for my own needs.

I think I am just a "cool" guy people want to be around and the down side to that is that I also attract a lot of negative attention, because people either think I'm "hot", or that I'm really nice and not going to treat them badly. That isn't my fault and I need to recognize it's not something I'm doing or can control. It's going to be hard finding someone with the same self esteem level as mine who would be a compatible partner. I'm just more of an individual and I think that it comes with the territory and again, that's not my fault.

I just hear all those shame messages about why i can't be more "normal" and I agree with them because if I liked football partying and acting like a jack ass I'd probably have women out the ying yang. I don't and I don't so I use the negative attention I do get to reinforce the shame messages I've learned.

That all sounds level, nice and mature eh?

So moving forward:

1. Be myself, love myself for who I am and make no apologies or restrictions.
2. Wait, watch and listen. Give people time to reveal themselves and don't take people and actions at face value.
3. Don't over "give", keep things light and shallow until people are willing to give more themselves.
4. Take care of myself. I'm lacking in hobbies that involve self expression. I need to write and play music more.

I think that's pretty good for starting out right now. I don't have the time with S to really get out and be super social, but that's what I can do, right now, for now :)

Brain, a hot car, an interesting hobby, I don't it mattered much. I think people were just so much more open minded when they were younger. I just figure at my age, in their 40's, people feel stuck in a career, they've gotten divorced.. I think their self esteem is crushed or they feel entitled. That's the split in most people I date.

What's weird is I've dated a lot of women that were married to older, alpha male types that controlled everything. A few divorced them because they wanted their own lives, but projected on me, because I wasn't telling them what to do! Maybe apps aren't the way to go ..



I dunno.. I'm not not dating. I'm standing for me. It's funny how I've really buckled down this year and xw has just become another one of those women I don't feel like dealing with anymore and now she's always poking around for info and whatever.. lol. Well yeah, I guess that day did come that I feel like I'm going to be pretty ok on my own.


Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #94 on: November 20, 2019, 05:39:06 AM »
So good morning.. boy do i have some news.

OM1 & xw are now married. No wedding, just at the court house, so to speak.

She said.. it's for the health insurance benefits. It's not a big thing, she's so broke, yadda yadda, blah blah blah. She didn't even change her last name, in case I was wondering.. which I wasn't.

Then she broke down. She still loves me, she feel like she ruins everything, she has too many problems and she's just not there yet. She needs therapy, but now she has these physical problems. The car accidents are just another form of cutting herself. I don't see her making it to therapy TBH.

I think OM1 made her. I don't think she wanted it. She said it was about the ehalth insurance and helping me since I wont be paying for it now, but what I heard though was a junkie saying she quit her job so she wouldn't have any more money for drugs. We did have a bit of a heart to heart, but she is still 100% trapped insider herself. She's much more lucid about herself and her issues, which is impressive, but she's still on autopilot, refusing to deal with anything.

I told her two things. First, all she ever had to do was ask for help and it is and was that easy. And secondly, she has to let go of her past. On that second part, I sat here and realized I've been hung up on it too. That's why I'm so angry with dating and everything. I'm not thankful or mindful enough of the present and I'm too wired into the past. Anyway, that hardened my resolve to stay single and get this $h!te done, so to speak. I'm going to learn to love myself or die trying lol.

How do I feel? Like nothing has changed. More of the same.. she's just digging another hole and hoping to fill in the old one. It doesn't work that way.. Maybe that's what OM2 was about.. OM1 wants her locked down and he's got her now. OM2 was rebelling against that..

Again, all she had to do was ask for help. But nope. Not my monkeys.. I did get a good eye on how far I've come and how little she's moved though. wow.. that'll be my take away here.
« Last Edit: November 20, 2019, 05:40:43 AM by gman242 »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #95 on: November 20, 2019, 05:50:13 AM »
Wow!

So...
1) She's married the Baby-Daddy
2) He married her even though she cheated on him with OM2 (No red flags there ::) )
3) She professes to still love you
4) She got married in order to have health insurance? Seriously?  :o Does she SERIOUSLY think you are going to believe that?


And you?

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #96 on: November 20, 2019, 06:24:33 AM »
Quote
She got married in order to have health insurance? Seriously?  :o Does she SERIOUSLY think you are going to believe that?

I said I only have 6 months until he's 18 and then she pays it anyway..  ::)

The both were cheating together too, on me and his wife, let's not forget. So she'll marry him to keep her free ride going, won't face her issues to fix thigns with me.. Yeah don't do me any favors toots.  ::) ::)

It was some perspective for sure. Makes my wallowing seem petty and trivial in comparison. So it got me like




But really, I feel sorry for her. I honestly think she'll be dead before she makes it to therapy. She says she's doing well, but she's distracting herself with school and OM2. She's more self aware, but still avoiding.

Me? I'm doing really well. In fact, I told her she was holding me back. She opened to the door to it, saying she had too many problems and I said yeah and they held me back. Since she's been going I've rocketed forward. I'm still one foot in the past and I've got to let it go, but I'm seeing changes around the house, I'm happier and more satisfied at the end of the day.

That's the one good thing dating has done for me. I've learned to say, no thanks! I got no problem saying no thanks to xw now either. Sad, but I've got me to worry about for once (and the first time) in my life.

Online Treasur

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #97 on: November 20, 2019, 06:43:54 AM »
Good Lord, gman....what a mess your xw is making. And what a pile of nonsense she splurged. And how arrogant of her really to assume that you cared about her BS or her silly choices now she is your xw.

But on the bright side, your attitude to it all sounds very healthy and sane.
And I guess it legitimises you reducing contact even more which is probably good for you.
How does your son feel about it?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #98 on: November 20, 2019, 07:22:49 AM »
Treasur, she's just not in touch with reality...  I think she's angry with herself, she feels guilty and she's just trying to keep her boat afloat. She can't let go of her past / childhood and she believes the lies she tells everyone and herself.

There's a person under there though that knows what's going on and I think wants to fix things between us, but she's got that DID going and that person isn't in charge.

She's still trying to keep me in limbo and I'm actually angry now thinking about it.  :( Is the Foreign Legion still hiring?

I can't find a gif of it.. Anyone seen malcom in the middle? Reese joins the army because his girlfriend broke up with him. The guys are all getting on the bus to boot camp and they each throw a picture of their girlfriend in a trash can on the way.  ;D Too funny..

The FU boots just went on and I didn't realize.. lol.

S doesn't know.. I just talked to her an hour or so ago. He's at school..

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #99 on: November 20, 2019, 08:15:32 AM »
I just told her she can be the one to tell S she got married. F her crap.. Im done. She can start taking responsibility for her actions.
« Last Edit: November 20, 2019, 08:36:05 AM by gman242 »

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #100 on: November 20, 2019, 08:31:15 AM »
Gman!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Btw, that’s what valuing yourself feels like if you are wondering.

She doesn’t set your value, you do, and you do that by choosing how much you tolerate and how you let other people treat you.

She’s off the deep end, but you sound like you are doing good.

Sometimes you just have to take a few steps back and see the crazy in stark reality.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #101 on: November 20, 2019, 10:28:21 AM »
she's.. certifiable. She starts off by telling me, like it's any other thing on any other day that she got married and then starts crying and telling me she loves me and always has and she's just running from things. I'm not going to argue with her on that one.

You're right Couraged. She had ample time over 15 years to fix things. I'm worth a lot more than being told to wait, while she spins her wheels.

I'm at a point I'm starting to stop listening to the past and I'm listening to the people around me. We get a guy who shows up a lot at the airsoft field that used to work for the SWAT team in the county below us. We start talking and he just kind of unloads on me. Not in a mean way, just like.. I never knew that about you, kind of way.

He's like, you went to Iraq and made it back, you got let go during a very turbulent time period and still are now only 8 years away from a full government pension and you look amazing for 45.. he's like dude you don't know how good you have it and honestly, I guess I don't. Or at least I don't fully appreciate it.

That's just because it's so hard to let go of the past and fully be in the present. I'm starting to be. Slowly.. but I'm getting there :)

I will say I am upset and angry.. but it's mostly with me, in having some part of me that was thinking she'd get it together and treat me right for so long. That day is far, far away honestly if ever.
« Last Edit: November 20, 2019, 11:06:42 AM by gman242 »

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #102 on: November 20, 2019, 11:25:14 AM »
OM1 wants her locked down and he's got her now.

I think we both know that this isn't true. I'm sorry that this happened but we both know it doesn't mean anything to her. You can see that by the way she told you about it.

However, that doesn't mean that it doesn't mean anything to you. I'm sure that's it's very difficult for you because you're right. You don't deserve it. You deserve much better.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #103 on: November 20, 2019, 11:43:53 AM »
I should have said:

for now
or so he thinks
and if he calls that marriage, he's got another thing coming

and so on and so forth..

You're right my friend! I don't need her crying and dragging me into it. Just a simple "sorry it didn't work out, I've moved on now" would have been fine, but we still know that's not the truth.

I don't care about her being "married". It's like couraged said, it's a view of the crazy from afar. I don't want this mess and I feel like it's always going to be around and the best thing I can do is keep it shut out the best I can. I've been tough and I gotta be tough some more. It's tiring.

« Last Edit: November 20, 2019, 02:07:00 PM by gman242 »

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #104 on: November 20, 2019, 01:18:53 PM »
I suppose if I were the "blushing" groom, I might be a little hurt to hear that my newly wedded wife was sobbing and apologizing and writing off the marriage as solving a logistical insurance problem, when sharing the news of our wedded bliss. But that's just me. And I don't live anywhere near Crazy-Town anymore so I guess I wouldn't understand.  What a train-wreck.

All that nonsense aside, its is pretty impressive how you handled it. Of course I have always thought you were light years ahead of many LBS in terms of growth and detachment.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #105 on: November 20, 2019, 01:52:22 PM »
I suppose if I were the "blushing" groom, I might be a little hurt to hear that my newly wedded wife was sobbing and apologizing and writing off the marriage as solving a logistical insurance problem, when sharing the news of our wedded bliss. But that's just me. And I don't live anywhere near Crazy-Town anymore so I guess I wouldn't understand.  What a train-wreck.

Great points, KIT
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #106 on: November 20, 2019, 02:35:30 PM »
Kit, thank you so much.. I just like to usually chalk it up to nerves of steel lol. Ahem cough.

Just a few months ago, she left a pile of crap in the garage because she didn't know what she was going to do yet.

The last couple weeks have been check ins, and I heard she ran out of the office crying after I told her I knew about om2 and to please think of the kids.

She is the mayor of cooco corners.

Everyone has their page locked but OMs mom has been selling a ton of stuff on Facebook. Tools and all sorts of stuff. So maybe they are in dire straits..

But.. She's just running her past and therapy. We could work this out together, but nope.

I've hit my limit man.. My tude is I just don't need this BS right now..

« Last Edit: November 21, 2019, 04:44:25 AM by gman242 »

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #107 on: November 21, 2019, 04:55:58 AM »
KIT, I have no idea what's up with OM.. I just have to wonder what kind of guy he is. He and some of his male family members all have that macho f yeah america attitude going on. That'd give you the idea he's controlling.. but, maybe it's an act and he's the kind of naive person xw likes to have control over? Makes you think anyway..

I don't doubt that their decision to get married is based on financials. It seems like the decision was looming and xw was really anchor checking and she said she wasn't sure about the stuff in the garage either.

Regardless, it's unfair and selfish to come crying to me. We could solve all of these problems together, except that she wants to run from her past and by proxy, me. I'm done with coming in second to that and ifs and buts were all candy and nuts, we'd all be having a great time on the funny farm.

I was a little woozy with it all yesterday. I took the afternoon off, went to the mall where I pick up S. i went to bath and body works and tried all the men's colognes, bought a few tshirts at old navy and got some egg rolls as a snack on the way out. Later at home I dug out the christmas tree. I have a small one and once I get a real one, later, I'm going to move it onto the front porch.

At home, I'm finding that the smallest changes are making the biggest difference. I've been washing the walls and baseboards and the house just looks and feels different. They had zero sense of balance when they built our house and the center of the dining room  is actually smashed right up against the bar at the kitchen. So I moved the dining table out to be centered in front of the far window (it's a double window at the end of the dining room). After doing so the house feels more balanced. There's more room to sit on the other side and the "feel" is just 100 times better. It's getting there.. it feels more like a home now.

I called brain and had a good conversation with him. Today.. just feels like normal. Xw was already texting me about q tips last night. Obviously nothing has changed with her.  ::)

Online Treasur

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #108 on: November 21, 2019, 04:59:16 AM »
How do you respond to her texts, gman?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #109 on: November 21, 2019, 05:50:39 AM »
Like usual, I don't  ;D whoops. Was busy at work.. lol.

I'll then be generic and all like "sorry to hear that, hope you feel better".

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #110 on: November 21, 2019, 06:17:47 AM »
I think that the om is often the opposite of the LBS so I would say he is probably an uncouth, insensitive man-child.

Online Treasur

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #111 on: November 21, 2019, 07:14:51 AM »
Like usual, I don't  ;D whoops. Was busy at work.. lol.

I'll then be generic and all like "sorry to hear that, hope you feel better".

Well, now she has another h, i guess you might even pull back on the generic...I mean her POV on cat videos or qtips is simply not relevant in your life now is it? Anything about your son? Sure...everything else, hmmm not so much.  ::)...as you say, sad mess, but not your drama and you definitely don't want to get pulled in to any cameo role in the almost inevitable om/om2/next om movie....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Whyus

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #112 on: November 21, 2019, 07:16:43 AM »
gman, did I read that correctly?

She married OM1 whilst she is cheating on him with OM2 and then tells you that she still loves you!  :o


I hope your OK and not just saying so. Look after you and your son mate, she is a mess. Just dont look in that direction if you can help it.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #113 on: November 21, 2019, 08:45:54 AM »
Treasur, I haven't seen any cat videos from her in a while. She's either asking how I'm doing or talking about her health problems. I figure sorry to hear that is better than hope you choke and die? lol. But I'm done caring, for real.

People do exactly what they want to. I learned that the hard way. She's going to run from her problems. I'm tired of being left in the dust..

I also have no desire to date right now. I've put up with her crap for so long, I'm not level headed when it comes to dating. I'm also slanted a bit because I look at everyone now like, oh yea, what are you doing for me? I resent being in the male position of have to do all the guy stuff. All I did was accommodate xw and my mom. Not that i'm not nice, just .. I've met too many women that sit there and expect me to be a riot. Regardless, a one sided party isn't a party but I'll make my own fun for now. lol.

Whyus, you read right and yup. I'm fine. Last night was a little weird and I took some time to recoup and I admit, I didn't sleep well. But today seems 100% normal. It's also probably because I found some meds that work and honestly this is the most normal I've ever felt in my life. Between the ADD meds and the new mood ones, it's easier to right myself.

So yeah.. I'm fine. I really am looking forward to next year.. S will be 18. xw and I are done and done. It'll be me and him from then on out.


Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #114 on: November 21, 2019, 03:41:00 PM »
I think that the om is often the opposite of the LBS so I would say he is probably an uncouth, insensitive man-child.

I'd agree with you most of the time.

I just have to wonder though, what kind of man would marry my xw so she can use his benefits to pay health care for a kid he's never going to see?

I also think it's funny, that as soon as I stood up to her, she started crying. She said we had too many problems for us to work and I said no, she had too many and I could never work on mine because hers took up all the room. And then suddenly it's boo hoo, I love you, I still love you..

Maybe mine in particular targets push overs. I can't think of any guy that would put someone else's kid on his family benefit plan when he's never going to meet him and he has to wonder why. Or I guess he doesn't eh.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #115 on: November 21, 2019, 03:54:09 PM »
You've written about your wife's flaws but I wonder if in spite of them she isn't far better than any woman the om has ever been with. For him she may be a real prize.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #116 on: November 21, 2019, 04:15:47 PM »
There's your answer.. Even for me, she was the best, worst person I could get  :-\

I've wondered over the years if she was partly only with me because of my family's money.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #117 on: November 21, 2019, 05:14:03 PM »
Boy, I didn't see that one coming! :D

It's a bit crass to use a numbering system so I fully expect to be roasted for doing it, but I don't know how else to make my point.

For you, your wife may have been a 10 but I believe the world is full of 9s who would be happy to be with you.

For the om, your wife may also be a 10 but his selection has been pretty much limited to 2s and 3s so he'll put up with a lot to stay with her.

I think I'd better quit now while I'm behind.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #118 on: November 21, 2019, 05:48:48 PM »
I would just like to point out that OM isn’t getting Gman’s wife......that person doesn’t currently exist right now.

And the person she currently is.....isn’t somebody that seems very fun to be around.

For whatever that’s worth.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #119 on: November 21, 2019, 06:35:00 PM »
Couraged, she's not..

I thought I may have misspoken brain. We loved each other, yes and she tried.. yes. We were actually doing ok until her mom died. She has a lot of problems. But she was also an honor student, one of the kindest people I've met, my best friend and so on. She was and is more than one person. When we met, I wanted to give up the so called double life of having problems and just be one person from then out I guess.

For her to be with me, she's going to have to face her past and her problems and she can't do that. Not now, not.. I don't know. But it knocks me flat that we're always at this point.. OM doesn't matter, marrying OM doesn't matter.. it's just easier. She just hasn't made it to therapy yet.. She just doesn't see it and this worn out grove hurts.

I don't know how she's keeping it together.. She's going to end up again in the mental health place. I don't see how she isn't yet. It also makes my head spin how everything is for me too. Anyway, yeah she's pretty hard core MLC right now.

According to my sister, brain, OM2 seems like a push over too. She says he's the 30 something never had a girlfriend type. I think it was just crazy luck we were so compatible. OM's got the worst of her now, although it seems like a shiny, new toy. That's what I had at the beginning, but somehow I saw the real her through it all and over time, that's who I ended up with. Like my sister said she's just manic right now. It looks sexy, fun and demure, it's not real. I'm sure in her head, she's running some kind of script that says I'm better off if she stays away.

I just hate these conversations when we have them. I would have done anything for her, but she can't face her past for me. Now, she's married and telling me the same thing. That's like super mind freak right here.

Brain, I don't know what a normal healthy relationship is. We were the best for each other, but she was also the worst to me. Maybe not. Maybe it just hurt the worse because of how good the other stuff was. I've had bad relationships but I didn't love them, so it didn't matter.

I've been out with even 6s or 7s. I'm not a complicated guy. I can appreciate a lot of things, but a lot of women feel like they blew it with me and get embarrassed and find a way to end things, even on the first date. Some people just get possessive and I end things. Other people sit there mad for one reason or another and walk out at the end of the date. I don't think I'm really the problem. I try to be open minded and positive and I normally am, but God bless this mess, I'm wore out. lol

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #120 on: November 21, 2019, 07:55:30 PM »
I don't want to be accused of being soft on an MLCer. I get enough of that on a different thread. But I'm going to risk it. :D

It's easy to say that your wife needs to face her past but it isn't easy to do it. I suspect there's a lot of pain in her past and it's hard to reach a point where you're able to face that. I've been seeing this family systems therapist for almost a year and he still doesn't think I'm ready to start EMDR. We haven't even started looking at my past because he's afraid one of my parts will freak out and I'll have another severe dissociative episode. Having DID means that I'm not always driving the bus.

In your wife's case, imagine that you have a toothache. It hurts but the pain is tolerable. You know that you can go to a dentist and he'll fix it so that the pain will go away but when he does it you know that he won't use anesthetic so it's going to hurt really bad for a long time while he's fixing it. What are you going to do?

I'm not saying you should make excuses for her or sit around and wait for her to finally reach the point where she's ready to start working on her issues from the past. I'm just suggesting that you not use her inability to face the past as a gauge that reflects how she felt or feels about you.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #121 on: Today at 02:05:46 AM »
MBIB,

You make a pretty good point here, I have watched my H on this ever escalating path of addiction trying to outrun things. It’s not working. You can build up a tolerance to anything. None of his old numbing mechanisms work anymore.....

However, I also think treat them like an addict.  Evaluate yourself, your needs, what your family needs....and if their addiction is driving the bus......get out of the way and save yourself. Addiction of any kind always spirals downwards. There is a rock bottom and they are busy digging for it. Nothing you can do but drag out the process.

Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

 

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