Author Topic: My Story Wife's MLC 16  (Read 1710 times)

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6705
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #10 on: September 30, 2019, 05:56:43 PM »
Sorry gman, the little guy I was referring to wasn't your son, it was your wife's toddler. Not your responsibility, I know, but I also know that you're fond of him. Your son's lucky because, even if your wife never gets her act together, he'll always have you.

OTOH, I may be biased but I don't expect the om to be much of a father to the little guy. I wouldn't expect you to take on that role, either, but with you potentially being the lighthouse for your wife, that also makes you an pretty important person in the little guy's life because I don't hold out much hope for him unless your wife gets through her crisis and gets her act together. That's why I was apologizing for my comment. It isn't fair for you to be in that role but from here it looks like you may be. But I could be wrong. Maybe the om is an excellent parent of maybe there's an aunt, uncle, or grandparent in the wings. I hope so.

Online Couragedearheart

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 343
  • Gender: Female
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2019, 07:30:31 PM »
Gman,

Your S sounds like my niece, it’s an attachment issue. Yes, he probably needs affection physically and verbally, but it sounds like he struggles with connection. Validation will help.

It isn’t surprising, or unexpected....kids always assume everything is about them because they are ego centric, they think if something happens it’s in relation to them. So then they become self critical trying to figure out what’s wrong with them that someone who’s supposed to stay would leave. You are the parent that’s there....he is constantly checking that you still love him, want him, are going to come back.

If anything ask about feelings and talk about yours, make feelings safe to express in your house. Help him learn how to express his in healthy ways. It okay to tell him you know he is sad/angry/ hurt that she left, so are you. Then when he tells you how he feels validate it.

I hope this is helpful.

We are working on all these same things with my niece. .
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1990
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2019, 08:43:04 AM »
Brain, I knew you meant xW's kid with OM1. I never for a minute didn't love him as much as our S. I figure one way or the other, I'll be involved in his life. He's S's brother and I'm glad that W wants them to know one another. I think that's a good experience for S too.

No, life isn't fair.  :-\ Although I'm doing it, I don't want to be the grown up. I want to play video games, join a band, find a girl half my age that wants to be married and have a family..  I actually got some sleep last night and I feel like today is the day after a raging party and I'm thinking a lot more clearly now.

I feel like a caged animal in the car with S. Even though I get home at 5, I've already been in the car an hour and a half and that's only to get him home. Not including the road time I do for work or getting S to school in the morning. The traffic here is awful. I can't believe we don't have public transportation like light rail. Walking is honestly faster than taking the road here... I'm 100% drained by the time I make dinner and I'm done by 6:30. I mean done, like I fall asleep on the couch.

I hoped dating would provide me with a friend and all it's shown me is that people my age, who are single, are just a big bag of mixed nuts. The good bits of chocolate have already been pulled out and eaten lol.  I noticed a trend on match, that I would favorite someone on my phone during the day, come home from work with the intention of messaging them and find out that more than one had already deleted their account. I do not think they lived happily ever after, rather they just got tired of the free and unsolicited anatomy lessons.


No, life isn't fair.  :-\ But somehow I got picked to the grownup..  ;D I gotta do it, even if it is alone..

Ohh PS.. I know OM isn't there that often and from whatever videos and pics I've seen of the baby, OM seems like he's watching TV and xW is the only one playing with the kid. His mom does live there and I know she interacts with him. I have no idea what goes on though.. only what I can infer

Couragedearheart, I think he could use more validation. I haven't been as "fun" as I have been lately and he may be reacting to that. When S when to his friend's house last weekend, I jokingly said "yes! a night off!" and he asked me if I didn't want him around. I explained I was joking..  but he also should take opportunities to spend time with friends when he can.

i need to probably have a talk with him. The driving has raised my stress levels and I haven't been as willing to be as tolerant or as forgiving of his typical, but forgivable annoyances.  :-\

Your post is kind of on point, he wanted to play some competitive game mode last night on a computer game and apparently, whatever team he was on kept voting to kick him off. Even though he calmed down and he understood that 99% of the people on those games are 100% jerks, I should help him out. I am really good at those games, but when you're trapped in a car all day, I just feel the need to zone out. ugh lol. I'll make an effort to play, get the hang of the game and give him some pointers.

I also saw someone post about their kid being an only kid on our neighbor hood face book group. I should ask if there's any teens S's age that want to hang out. Nobody comes outside anymore and play groups are all for younger kids. I think that may help him too.


Offline MyBrainIsBroken

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6705
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #13 on: October 01, 2019, 09:02:20 AM »
Your drive sounds horrible. I can understand why that would make you feel stressed out, especially since it seems to be completely out of your control.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1990
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #14 on: October 01, 2019, 11:01:55 AM »
it sucks lol. I need to stop complaining though and realize that it's only for a couple more months and that I tend to get into these anxiety / anger loops that are quite likely tied to my own ADHD issues.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1990
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #15 on: October 02, 2019, 07:19:20 AM »
Quote
I don't want to be the grown up. I want to play video games, join a band, find a girl half my age that wants to be married and have a family.. 


For anyone reading along, I wasn't really serious about the above statement.  ;D


I'm realizing it's very hard to stay clear and focused, mentally right now. I guess I just hadn't realized, until it's all getting to be too much, what all the driving is doing to me. Right now is all about S and it's something I choose to do. When I look around at the people that have abused me my whole life or who have stacked the deck so that they can have it easier, I waiver in wondering if taking the higher road is worth it. I know it's the right thing to do, so I get angry because I don't understand why good people are pushed beyond their limits so often.

Enough of that for now..

xW simply laughed at my text, saying she knew this would happen. She said they were just friends and she tried to apologize too, by saying she was having a bad bay. I never responded to her. I think I said what I had been wanting to get out for a long time and it's out, I don't have anything else to say to her about it and I feel like that weight has been lifted. I know a lot of it has been about damage control with me, but I see through it now and until she actually really moves towards help and starts making amends, there's not much I can do for her other than be pleasant when it concerns S.

Anyway, deep breath. I'll get through this..

« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 07:26:47 AM by gman242 »

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6705
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2019, 09:00:35 AM »
Your last few sentences contain a lot of wisdom. Not much you can do for your xW but you'll get through this.

Quote
I don't want to be the grown up. I want to play video games, join a band, find a girl half my age that wants to be married and have a family.. 


For anyone reading along, I wasn't really serious about the above statement.  ;D

That's good. I thought you were heading out on your own MLC. I hate to admit that it sounds pretty good to me except for the video game part. I miss having a family.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1990
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #17 on: October 02, 2019, 09:47:36 AM »
Noooo... I was just whining and wishful thinking..  ;D I already had my MLT ..

I miss having a family too.  :-\ I think I thought having someone to talk to would give me that kind of feeling again. Everyone on the sites and apps are mostly in their own MLC in one form or another anyway, at this age. There's plenty of people in their 30's that seem to still want a family, but I'd have to lie pretty much to be seen by them. But, I think I have enough going on for now until S graduates. I need to take solace in my projects around the house and just kinda hunker down.

I've really been missing working on my own music though. I came up with a plan to re use these two ikea bookshelves as a desk that I can put a keyboard under. I've also been looking into getting a guitar too and I admit the thought of learning to play is sounds really fun.

xW is asking if I'm mad at her. I don't know what to say really. I'll ponder it while I'm at lunch.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8833
  • Gender: Female
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #18 on: October 02, 2019, 10:25:47 AM »
If you don't want to ignore her (bc it is self-serving cake seeking nonsense of course that has no benefit to you), you could just throw the question back with a 'why, have you done something (new) you think I should be mad about?'  :)

But tbh I'd ignore her...or just say nope...not your circus or monkeys how she feels is it? And how you feel about anything is no longer her business unless it is directly related to your son. She will keep trying to keep you in the role she has assigned for you, gman....but how does that serve you now? She has at least two other men to talk to about her feelings after all....

Better to focus on your music and ways to not hunker down too much that you put your own life on hold for too long. Jmo.
« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 10:31:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1990
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #19 on: October 02, 2019, 11:48:59 AM »
Treasur, I don't feel like saying anything. No point in arguing about it.. Oh I know my role.. back up guy. Or as she puts it, kinda, "I'll fix this one day".  ::) typical MLC stuff..

The hunker down comment was about me focusing on smaller, healthier things, due to the driving I'm doing and not my xW's crisis. I'm not putting my life on hold intentionally. I'm just saying, I need to relax the best I can, focus on what I can accomplish, not feel like I'm cursed or being punished and realize it's not forever, S graduates in May and it will be over. 

I would like to have a life, for real. I am barely keeping the one I have together right now because I'm so tired. That's why I was saying it's better to focus on smaller, more tangible goals right now.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.