Author Topic: My Story Wife's MLC 16  (Read 1353 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9369
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
My Story Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #40 on: October 08, 2019, 07:35:42 AM »
There is just too much sax and violins going on in here.. I'm going to have to ask you all to turn it down a notch!  ;D



What's the sax for? Just for fun or are you part of your worship band?


I just went to the Dr.. got a round of meds going in for this sinus infection. Hope it gets cleared out fast.. and then I've got my ADD lady this afternoon. Busy busy.,

I wanted to learn to play the sax in 6th grade... My parents said "No."  Evidently, my mother has harboured secret guilt about that for 44 YEARS and dropped a Tenor Sax in my lap when I was in the US last... unfortunately, it was a piece of junk (She got it at a second hand shop and I went to have it overhauled here in Germany by a Master Instrument Builder that I was referred to - he said that it had been obviously mucked about with and was "customized" for someone specific. He had a hard time playing it because of the abnormal key spacing and super hard springs and his hands are bigger than mine so ...). The tone was also REALLY harsh and edgy

He did, however, happen to have a nice second-hand Jupiter Tenor Sax with a gorgeous mellow tone so ... I bought it ... and I am starting to learn... I can play "Hot Cross Buns"  now without too many squeaks  ;D
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6691
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #41 on: October 08, 2019, 08:01:23 AM »
Roughly 50+ years ago my mother and I wanted me to learn to play the piano. My father overruled us and made me take organ lessons instead. I hated playing the organ and didn't make much progress. My brother, who is a bit of a hoarder, bought the organ from my mother about 30 years ago. He never played it and nobody in his family has ever played it but he still has it displayed in his living room. I still get a bad feeling in my stomach when I see that organ sitting there in his living room.

Back in 2012 when I was the crisis kid I started taking piano and guitar lessons. I've never been able to get my fingers to play chords on a guitar but I was making pretty good progress with the piano. Then my wife's BD hit in 2014 and I was pretty much non-functional for several years. All that I do with the guitar now is pick it up occasionally and make noise with it but I'm feeling an urge to see if I can get back into actually playing the piano.

UM is a technical genius. Maybe we should record ourselves playing and send the recordings to UM so that he can mix them. I should be able to play something resembling Hot Cross Buns in a couple of years.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #42 on: October 08, 2019, 10:13:36 AM »
Brain, was it a hammond or wurlitzer type home organ? Yamaha and other people made them too. It may make you feel better that the place I went junk shopping in near here had a busted one out back that was dry rotted through.  ;D So there's one out there that's been umm... taken care of. heh heh heh..

Did you just prefer the piano to the organ? It's funny, around the keyboard crowd, people are nuts for the organs. I had a few friends that will go to obscene lengths to restore them. I guess they're kind of like car nuts or other nuts in that way.

I have friends that I've done that with online..  we even used to use drop box and other things to store and share audio. It was a lot of fun. For me, beginning piano was always twinkle twinkle, Molly Malone, easy waltzes I think I had one teacher who made me play hot cross buns,  but it's not something I encountered normally.

I did something I normally wouldn't.. a friend asked me to play on his team as an officer for a large two day airsoft event. it's out of town and I'd need S to either stay by himself saturday and sunday or stay with my parents if he wants to. I've always been put off by big events. I don't like the prep work, the travel, crowds and so on. But I thought I'd give it a shot because it's the kind of thing I always say no to, so I'll see how it goes.

So for the event, I'm one half of the command structure. Me and this other guy will have I guess 50 people each in two squads of 25 people. These events have their own rules that differ from casual Saturday casual play so I'll have to buy some things to get my equipment up to their code and also some camping stuff. It's not like I'm not going to use any of that stuff again either.. it's way over on the east coast, by my aunt and uncles condo. I joined the event online and a lot of people I know from here are going too, so I'll be around the same group of guys. Just somewhere else lol.


---------------------------------------------------

I'll keep these thoughts short, so please either read on or stop reading if you don't want to see my journailing lol.

S and I had a good time over the weekend window shopping and going to a couple malls. I stopped to look at some cast iron stove top griddles and S asked me if I got xW one. I said I did and I said she returned it and he asked why. I explained that it was her way of avoiding emotional intimacy with me. She always wanted one, so I got her one as a gift. I think in some strange way, that's proof she loves me.  I mean in contrast, she has no problem putting her hand out when OM1 is paying the bill.

Anyway, I've gotten to a point of good self esteem where I am not feeling the sense of rejection I was before. I get it now, that her and the other women i dated were pushing me away because of their emotional inability to have a functional relationship with me.

And here's the part where you're going to say, welcome to club and yes, I've been here for almost 4 years now lol. I just feel screwed. I was a good guy. I took care of my family and I wasn't setting up some secret double life. I don't have time to meet anyone and I have no clue how either. The world has changed so much.. no, it's not a priority. It's not about that. It's just everything circles back to the unfairness and the one sideness of it all and I'm stuck (even though I want to be) raising S by myself.

It's conflicting feelings for sure, that have been hard to separate and accept what I have no control over, for the time anyway.


Offline MyBrainIsBroken

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6691
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #43 on: October 08, 2019, 11:32:55 AM »
I know what you mean about the unfairness. I really want to be mad at someone for my life turning out the way it has but I don't know who to be angry with.

I don't remember who manufactured the organ but it was like a Hammond. It was a very complex device with a lot of switches for changing the sound. I love the sound of a piano and I just wanted a nice, simple piano. I might have also been upset because I had to play what he wanted and couldn't have what I wanted. Story of my life back then.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #44 on: October 15, 2019, 05:11:15 AM »
I was just commenting on your thread that either maybe, which meant no or no was the story of my life back then.

Things are going a little off the rails with me lately. I think I'm going to need to take a day off here to catch up on things around the house. The nurse practitioner at the Drs gave me an extra antibiotic refill and I went and picked it up last night. I'm going to hang onto it just in case.

I'm still getting up at 4am everyday and now my office is a mess like my house is too. I just feel like since I've gotten back from the funeral, I can't get onto a routine. But I'm going to double down and get it done or do my best anyway.

What would have been my 18th anniversary came and went Sunday. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.. I don't think it would have, but xW seems to have planned this outing to top golf with OM, her aunt and cousins. I think she was trying to trick S into going because first she asked if he wanted to go and only said her aunt was going. Then after he said yes, it turns into OM is going.. and of course S isn't going to want to go. xW was offering to come over Saturday morning to see S instead, but she didn't because S said he'd go to top golf. It got to be a mess. I told her that if she knew OM was going, it would have been better just to come by on Saturday and then S & I would go to the movies like we planned.

Me? I think xW was throwing a super mom party. Everything is fine, look how much fun we're all having. xW even commented on a few of her aunts posts on facebook. She's been a little ass kissey lately. One of the posts was about addiction and the quote said something to the effect of having someone to support you no matter what. I found that a little odd, because all of her posts on the topic are you can't help an addict no matter how much you try until they want to change. But xW commented something and I was like that's a bit ironic. She had me to support her no matter what..  ::) But I learned the hard way that people will do exactly what they want to and that's how you should judge them.

It bothered me a little.. I'm doing great for the most part, but I have my moments. Every now and then I just stop, pause and think.. 15 years of you blaming and yelling at me and you're the one who had to get rid of me because i was making you miserable.



I know, I know, it was her running from her and her past and not me.. I don't think I've moved into 100% over it yet, but more of a resigned anger at it type thing.

Overall, I'm doing good, but I just feel like I want to get caught up at home right now.

I got talking to a girl here at work and her husband was in the situation as my xW. Cheated, got her pregnant and left. Same old story.. and I'm sure this has been mentioned somewhere here before, but they just don't cheat on you, they cheat on the kids too. I don't know why they don't see that.. the spouses insistence that it's perfectly find to get up and leave without trying to fix anything and to start a whole new life that everyone has to accept.  ::) I will never get why xW can't get why S doesn't want to be around OM.

Oh well.. ! Happy Tuesday.

Oh PS I couldn't stand any more fast or frozen food so I spent all of last night making a huge shepards pie. I tried a different recipe that was supposed to be a traditional irish version. It's very savory, but I don't think I like it as much as my other recipe. I also think it's funny because I don't think that things like Cheyenne pepper and paprika were common ingredients in Ireland 200 years ago.

But in doing so, I didn't get anything else done last night at the house. So please, bless this mess until I can get around to it tonight.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 05:22:00 AM by gman242 »

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22189
  • Gender: Female
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #45 on: October 15, 2019, 05:55:26 AM »
Gman,

You're doing good.  I think total acceptance take a long time to achieve.
It's hard to accept something you didn't want and had no control over.

Pretty sneaky not telling her son OM was going with.   :(
She can't just force him to like or want to spend time with him.  He is old enough to make his own decisions about that.

Shepherds pie?  Yum!   :P
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6691
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #46 on: October 15, 2019, 07:00:29 AM »
Sorry to hear about your anniversary. I think for me the most difficult part about anniversaries is feeling like they don't mean anything to the MLCer. Nothing special about it, it's just another day.

It's hard not to take it personally, even though we know that it isn't about us. It may not be about us, but it sure does affect us.

All that you can do is to keep on doing the right things and eventually things should start clicking for you. The Shepards Pie sounds like a step in the right direction. :)

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #47 on: October 16, 2019, 03:51:54 PM »
Hey brain.. I know..  :-\ I've actually been doing really well with not taking things personally. I get down, but wait a bit before reacting and I've really been realizing how sensitive I have been to the moods of others. I guess it was from all the past abuse, when someone seemed "off", I think that is has something to do with me, but it doesn't nearly 100% of the time.

I was re and reading Whyus' thread and it got me thinking. Although I'm not sure what the connection to his thread is, but I was in the shower and it hit me nearly a year ago, OM got divorced and then xW started pressuring me to get ours done. And then in February, she gets a vacation and the mental health place. Then this year, she has a confirmed OM2,  she's really over loading herself with school, she's making promises to do better with S and kinda of having a "everything is normal" party, on our anniversary no less.

Me being angry, I just assumed W had been leading me on for 2-3 years, keeping me on the back burner if her and OM don't work out. That may have been the case, but I wonder if he had forced her to get divorced and that's what put her in the mental health place. She was just telling me a while ago that she had hit rock bottom, but I think she's still avoiding by thinking that if she does well in school, she can change jobs and be happy. I think that's good for her regardless, but I saw how tired she looked when she picked up S the other week. I think it's also a distraction for her and she's not wanting to confront herself or the real damage she's caused.

Going full circle, no it isn't about it me after all..

Anyway, despite a huge, glorious Shepard's pie I just made, which I also amped up with extra cheddar and Worcestershire sauce, S has now microwaved some sort of clam chowder that smells like a rat has died in the attic..  ::)

Last week, while we were at the movies, I stopped into the bathroom remodeling place that was next door. It's bath fitter, I don't know if you have them elsewhere, but they come in on one day and redo your entire shower. They use fiberglass cladding and when we stayed in NY, the bathroom in the hotel was done using a similar product and it looked really nice. It doesn't look like a trailer shower at all.. ha ha. They model it after real tile now and it doesn't have that molded in look I hate. The girl that worked there said she's not allowed to give out prices, but she said out the door, the most expensive models with install are $5K. All I want is plain white tile and to convert my tub to a shower. So I'll call them sooner or later and get a free estimate. I'd like frame-less glass doors and if they don't offer them, I'll go with a shower curtain until I can get them from someone else. The parts individually are $2k and maybe for 3, I don't have to do any of the work? Sure :)

I am really proud of S. He's working on this daft punk helmet. He printed out a template, cut it out of card stock, formed it and then sort of went over it all with wall plaster, sanded it and I helped him paint it. He then cut out a visor from an old poster frame piece of clear plastic, tinted it and now he's working on soldering 200 LEDs together. He's made all of his halloween costumes by himself since he was 6. If he doesn't end up famous for something.. I dunno what to think really. I'd just be really surprised if he isn't.. He also likes to sit right in the middle at the movies and they say that's indicative of someone who uses both their brains equally and that's extremely true of him. I like to sit on the left side and I'm a right brained person.

However, bragging aside, I had to listen to him get frustrated for several hours last night. That really soured things and despite it, I still managed to get my floor cleaned up. I had all I could stand and I couldn't stand anymore! Right after W moved out, I got some ikea cabinets and made a liter box out of them. They were big, dirty and monolithic. I think I really just wanted the distraction. Well, they're gone now and I have a new desk and filing cabinet in their place which is what I really had been needing. It's better to self care than distract yourself.

Also to take out of Whyus' thread, he was talking about his parents separating and not being happy, having settled for other people. I've always been afraid of ending up like that after W has left. I think I've honestly liked people since her, but in a way, it all feels like settling or just second best. I didn't want this and I had what I wanted, she just wouldn't do her share and I did too much.  :-\

All it means is it's another confirmation I don't really need to be dating right now until I've figured out how to be me first. That's another thing I've been realizing.. I never had a solidified sense of self before I met W. I"m kinda short on run time right now while S is finishing up high school, but I'm interested to see what the future holds for us.

Offline gman242Topic starterTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Male
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #48 on: October 18, 2019, 11:17:15 AM »
So once again, xW called me sniffling on the way to a Dr's appointment. whenever she actually calls me, it always sounds like she had been crying. This time in particular though, she sounded extra sad. She wanted to know how much I had been paying on S's expenses because she was working out a budget for me, for next year when she's not going to be paying any support after he turns 18. She said she had been worried about me and it, so she was trying to help me out. I also got the usual round of how hard she's trying and how "things will work out for the both of us".

She says she hates her job and it's beyond time to get out of there. I still think she's just distracting herself with school and if she's a teacher, won't there just be another guy there to sleep with?  ::) It's one of those, where ever she goes, there she is kind of things.

I already had a good cry over her last week, so I didn't react much to her phone call. Why was I upset the other week? I don't know really. It's been a lot of stress over the past three years.. my boss retired, the MLC happened, the D, my mom and her parents and my grandfather passing and the driving has finally caught up with me. I also think I'm still processing. I've been angry, upset and distracted, but I never actually just missed xW until the other week. it came out of no where and it left. She texted me after the drs and told me how she passed out in the office, with pictures no less. She then very plainly told me she never realized how much anxiety she has.

It's still a whole lot of nothing.. just an anchor check when she finally breaks down enough to reach out for one.

I'm beat.. this weekend I need to clean the garage and I still have cleaning to do in the house. Oh why won't it end?! I have to go the dump and I'm debating weather or not to go to airsoft. I always feel 100% better when I come home, but it takes up a lot of time too.

Online OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3508
  • Gender: Female
Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Reply #49 on: October 18, 2019, 11:37:16 AM »
I'm sorry you are so angry and sad. The overwhelm of life can wear you down. Sometimes we need to put what needs to be done on hold and makes time for what we need to recharge. If airsoft does that for you, it might be a solid choice. I should be cleaning my own garage. Instead, I'm leaf peeping, visiting places, searching out covered bridges, sleeping until noon and escaping escape rooms. Solid choice for me. I'll return to my regularly scheduled life soon enough. Remember, you need to take care of you, too.

So, im curious.  Does she always decide what you need to do, Gman? Doesn't she think you are competent enough to manage your own financials? And BTW, does the child support stipulate that she CAN  stop support payments at 18, because a friend of mine with a son with ADHD, her ex was required to pay support until 21.  :)

And how do you get pictures of yourself passed out? Enquiring minds want to know.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.