Author Topic: My Story Newbie here: my story  (Read 1280 times)

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Newbie here: my story
« on: October 02, 2019, 11:57:12 AM »
My story starts exactly 2 years ago when I discovered my H was having an EA with a married woman, 30 years younger who lives on the other side of the country. At the time, I did not understand that he was in MLC, but I probably should have given all the weird things he did. He changed overnight: lost weight, changed his wardrobe, tried to leave his salaried job to become a "youtube influencer," got a tattoo, bought a motorcycle, went from kind and thoughtful to cold and distant almost overnight, etc.

Anyway, I discovered the EA, and did everything you shouldn't: raged, begged, pleaded, etc. Finally I asked him to leave as he didn't want to work on the marriage. Since that time, we have had some communication and are generally amicable.

Fast forward to the beginning of May this year when he asked if we could try again. I was hesitant but decided to give it a go. It went well for almost 4 months. He has cut all contact with the Alienator. He told his children (my step kids) why I asked him to leave. He seemed super devoted, thoughtful, connected, etc. It was like my "old" husband was back. Then a month ago he told me his adult children don't like me. I tried to validate his feelings while also letting him know we could work on healing that relationship (before I asked him to leave 2 years ago, the kids and I got along fine. 2 of them lived with us for 7 years). Following that conversation, he became distant, detached. He told me if we reconciled he was afraid his children would not come see him (they all live in other parts of the country by the way). So for 2 weeks he was very distant, then told me he doesn't feel "connected," and left again.

That's my long story made pretty short. I'm struggling to understand the sudden attempt to return home followed by the swift departure. I see it as very fear based, although I doubt he would see it that way.  I'm doing my best to remain calm and consistent. I am proud to say I haven't ranted, vented, or reacted in anger to him. I did cry when he told me he was leaving. Otherwise, I've tried to implement all the things I did the first time he left. I am devastated though, because I did get my hopes up pretty high. :-(

I should also add that he is getting ready to turn 59 next week. His youngest child left for the marines last October, was home for the summer, and left for college 5 days before my H told me he was leaving again.....

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2019, 03:56:25 AM »
Welcome Surviving, your H is struggling to stay at home, it's as if they have a foot in both camps at the beginning. They are being pulled to leave and guilt tells them to stay.  My xH stayed home for 18 month before he left and I could see the internal struggle.  MLC won out of course and he left.

I don't know how many of the articles you have read on MLC but start reading to full understand the process.

Posting here kept me sane for a long time. The people here know what you are going through and are so supportive, they become like family.

OldPilot will be along soon to welcome you with links to some resources to help you along.

How's the YouTube Influnencer thing going for him ;)  They do the most amazing things :o  Hope he has millions of subscribers ;D They all go from wonderful husbands to cold and distant people, it's all part of the MLC as sad as that is.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 03:59:19 AM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2019, 04:00:56 AM »
Welcome Surviving,

I'm sorry you find yourself on this situation.

Could you give us a little more information, so we can better assist you. 
How long have you two been marriage?  Were either of you married before, it sounds like your H, him having children.

I see by your profile you are a male, is that correct?

I have a question, he said his kids don't like you.  Is that because you asked him to leave because he was having an EA with a married woman?  Were they aware of the EA?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2019, 05:01:50 AM »
I'm a female. I better correct my profile. :-)

We've been married for 9 years this coming January. I have not been married before. This is his second marriage. He was married 20 years to a very abusive woman.

He does not know why his children don't like me. They won't tell him. I haven't asked them. I am assuming it is because I asked him to move out. He did tell them he had an affair and I was very hurt, which is why I asked him to move out. They did not know about the EA at the time. He told them before he decided he wanted to come home. It surprised me that he did that, but he told me that was "the right and fair thing to do for you. The kids didn't know what happened."
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 05:03:39 AM by Surviving2019 »

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2019, 05:05:41 AM »
Actually, I can't figure out how to change my gender on my profile. Any one know how or who I contact?

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2019, 05:07:24 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Online Treasur

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2019, 05:07:36 AM »
How old are you, surviving? How big a gap of time was there between his divorce from his first marriage and you two meeting? And how do you know his kids don't like you or indeed that his first wife was abusive other than what your h says? Anything else you think we should know about your situation practically or emotionally that might help us to support you better?

We are all very sorry that you have to be here but glad you feel able to speak about your situation now. And so sorry too for the pain of this double betrayal.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2019, 05:08:52 AM »
Actually, I can't figure out how to change my gender on my profile. Any one know how or who I contact?

I changed it for you, it is in your profile.

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2019, 05:20:41 AM »
How old are you, surviving? How big a gap of time was there between his divorce from his first marriage and you two meeting? And how do you know his kids don't like you or indeed that his first wife was abusive other than what your h says? Anything else you think we should know about your situation practically or emotionally that might help us to support you better?

We are all very sorry that you have to be here but glad you feel able to speak about your situation now. And so sorry too for the pain of this double betrayal.

I'm 42. There was a 2 years between his divorce and when we met. His children won't speak to me at all.  We did hang out a few times this summer (after he had returned home and the kids were in town visiting). It was fine--we were all civil. However, they won't speak to me if their father isn't around. This is not how it was when we all lived together. Example, my oldest step daughter turned 25 this summer. I texted her happy birthday (same as I have for years). No response which is not normal for her. Same with my stepson when he has his birthday on Monday.

As for his ex-wife, she most definitely was abusive. She's quite mentally ill. I'm a therapist. The pathology of her diagnosis does include a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation. I would often times pick the kids up from her house if their dad was out of town because she would be emotionally abusive towards them (Calling them names, telling them to kill themselves, telling them she was going to kill herself, etc etc). Same things she would text my h even when we were married until he finally got a cease and desist letter from his attorney. Then she started in on me: lots of emotionally abusive text messages and emails. She destroyed some things at my house (we have a security camera). I just ignored it and honestly, she stopped after she didn't get a rise out of me.

He did share with me that he is afraid that his kids won't come visit him if we reconcile: that he felt he almost "lost them" during the divorce and he doesn't want that to happen now. I feel like I have listened to understand his fear. At the same time....they didn't abandon him. We all hung out together when they were in town this summer. They are adults and live in other parts of the country. They call their dad everyday to talk. They all have really good relationships with their dad, and love him very much. His fear is real, the reality that his children will reject him is not.

Not much more I can think of. We live about 2 blocks from each other. He wants to "be friends." After he left the first time, I put up some massive boundaries: I was civil and kind, but I let him go and do his thing while I got busy with my own life. Same thing I feel needs to happen again, unless I'm missing something as a return and then leaving again is new to me....

Online Treasur

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2019, 05:30:08 AM »
If it helps, return and goes are not uncommon at all.
Nor is them saying they want to be 'friends'....while often not behaving like that at all.

What do YOU want righg now, surviving? Do you have a plan?
And what are you finding most challenging to deal with currently?
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 05:31:31 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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