Author Topic: My Story Newbie here: my story  (Read 1278 times)

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Newbie here: my story
« on: October 02, 2019, 11:57:12 AM »
My story starts exactly 2 years ago when I discovered my H was having an EA with a married woman, 30 years younger who lives on the other side of the country. At the time, I did not understand that he was in MLC, but I probably should have given all the weird things he did. He changed overnight: lost weight, changed his wardrobe, tried to leave his salaried job to become a "youtube influencer," got a tattoo, bought a motorcycle, went from kind and thoughtful to cold and distant almost overnight, etc.

Anyway, I discovered the EA, and did everything you shouldn't: raged, begged, pleaded, etc. Finally I asked him to leave as he didn't want to work on the marriage. Since that time, we have had some communication and are generally amicable.

Fast forward to the beginning of May this year when he asked if we could try again. I was hesitant but decided to give it a go. It went well for almost 4 months. He has cut all contact with the Alienator. He told his children (my step kids) why I asked him to leave. He seemed super devoted, thoughtful, connected, etc. It was like my "old" husband was back. Then a month ago he told me his adult children don't like me. I tried to validate his feelings while also letting him know we could work on healing that relationship (before I asked him to leave 2 years ago, the kids and I got along fine. 2 of them lived with us for 7 years). Following that conversation, he became distant, detached. He told me if we reconciled he was afraid his children would not come see him (they all live in other parts of the country by the way). So for 2 weeks he was very distant, then told me he doesn't feel "connected," and left again.

That's my long story made pretty short. I'm struggling to understand the sudden attempt to return home followed by the swift departure. I see it as very fear based, although I doubt he would see it that way.  I'm doing my best to remain calm and consistent. I am proud to say I haven't ranted, vented, or reacted in anger to him. I did cry when he told me he was leaving. Otherwise, I've tried to implement all the things I did the first time he left. I am devastated though, because I did get my hopes up pretty high. :-(

I should also add that he is getting ready to turn 59 next week. His youngest child left for the marines last October, was home for the summer, and left for college 5 days before my H told me he was leaving again.....

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2019, 03:56:25 AM »
Welcome Surviving, your H is struggling to stay at home, it's as if they have a foot in both camps at the beginning. They are being pulled to leave and guilt tells them to stay.  My xH stayed home for 18 month before he left and I could see the internal struggle.  MLC won out of course and he left.

I don't know how many of the articles you have read on MLC but start reading to full understand the process.

Posting here kept me sane for a long time. The people here know what you are going through and are so supportive, they become like family.

OldPilot will be along soon to welcome you with links to some resources to help you along.

How's the YouTube Influnencer thing going for him ;)  They do the most amazing things :o  Hope he has millions of subscribers ;D They all go from wonderful husbands to cold and distant people, it's all part of the MLC as sad as that is.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 03:59:19 AM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2019, 04:00:56 AM »
Welcome Surviving,

I'm sorry you find yourself on this situation.

Could you give us a little more information, so we can better assist you. 
How long have you two been marriage?  Were either of you married before, it sounds like your H, him having children.

I see by your profile you are a male, is that correct?

I have a question, he said his kids don't like you.  Is that because you asked him to leave because he was having an EA with a married woman?  Were they aware of the EA?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2019, 05:01:50 AM »
I'm a female. I better correct my profile. :-)

We've been married for 9 years this coming January. I have not been married before. This is his second marriage. He was married 20 years to a very abusive woman.

He does not know why his children don't like me. They won't tell him. I haven't asked them. I am assuming it is because I asked him to move out. He did tell them he had an affair and I was very hurt, which is why I asked him to move out. They did not know about the EA at the time. He told them before he decided he wanted to come home. It surprised me that he did that, but he told me that was "the right and fair thing to do for you. The kids didn't know what happened."
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 05:03:39 AM by Surviving2019 »

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2019, 05:05:41 AM »
Actually, I can't figure out how to change my gender on my profile. Any one know how or who I contact?

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2019, 05:07:24 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Online Treasur

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2019, 05:07:36 AM »
How old are you, surviving? How big a gap of time was there between his divorce from his first marriage and you two meeting? And how do you know his kids don't like you or indeed that his first wife was abusive other than what your h says? Anything else you think we should know about your situation practically or emotionally that might help us to support you better?

We are all very sorry that you have to be here but glad you feel able to speak about your situation now. And so sorry too for the pain of this double betrayal.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2019, 05:08:52 AM »
Actually, I can't figure out how to change my gender on my profile. Any one know how or who I contact?

I changed it for you, it is in your profile.

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2019, 05:20:41 AM »
How old are you, surviving? How big a gap of time was there between his divorce from his first marriage and you two meeting? And how do you know his kids don't like you or indeed that his first wife was abusive other than what your h says? Anything else you think we should know about your situation practically or emotionally that might help us to support you better?

We are all very sorry that you have to be here but glad you feel able to speak about your situation now. And so sorry too for the pain of this double betrayal.

I'm 42. There was a 2 years between his divorce and when we met. His children won't speak to me at all.  We did hang out a few times this summer (after he had returned home and the kids were in town visiting). It was fine--we were all civil. However, they won't speak to me if their father isn't around. This is not how it was when we all lived together. Example, my oldest step daughter turned 25 this summer. I texted her happy birthday (same as I have for years). No response which is not normal for her. Same with my stepson when he has his birthday on Monday.

As for his ex-wife, she most definitely was abusive. She's quite mentally ill. I'm a therapist. The pathology of her diagnosis does include a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation. I would often times pick the kids up from her house if their dad was out of town because she would be emotionally abusive towards them (Calling them names, telling them to kill themselves, telling them she was going to kill herself, etc etc). Same things she would text my h even when we were married until he finally got a cease and desist letter from his attorney. Then she started in on me: lots of emotionally abusive text messages and emails. She destroyed some things at my house (we have a security camera). I just ignored it and honestly, she stopped after she didn't get a rise out of me.

He did share with me that he is afraid that his kids won't come visit him if we reconcile: that he felt he almost "lost them" during the divorce and he doesn't want that to happen now. I feel like I have listened to understand his fear. At the same time....they didn't abandon him. We all hung out together when they were in town this summer. They are adults and live in other parts of the country. They call their dad everyday to talk. They all have really good relationships with their dad, and love him very much. His fear is real, the reality that his children will reject him is not.

Not much more I can think of. We live about 2 blocks from each other. He wants to "be friends." After he left the first time, I put up some massive boundaries: I was civil and kind, but I let him go and do his thing while I got busy with my own life. Same thing I feel needs to happen again, unless I'm missing something as a return and then leaving again is new to me....

Online Treasur

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2019, 05:30:08 AM »
If it helps, return and goes are not uncommon at all.
Nor is them saying they want to be 'friends'....while often not behaving like that at all.

What do YOU want righg now, surviving? Do you have a plan?
And what are you finding most challenging to deal with currently?
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 05:31:31 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #10 on: October 03, 2019, 05:35:47 AM »
I'm sorry Surviving, that makes it hard.  Him feeling he has to choose between his wife and his kids.

I guess my first reaction was, you are married and the kids need to accept that.
If the can't give him any reasons for not liking you, then I'm afraid that is their problem.  They are not young children.  You are not just friends, you are his wife.

However until he knows the reason, I'm sure that is a real fear he has.

Well I guess you need to decide what is best for you.  He will have to make his own decisions. 
I personally, would not accept just a friend relationship with your husband, that is allowing his children to control him, but again this has to be your choice.

We will support what ever you decide.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #11 on: October 03, 2019, 06:44:57 AM »
What do I want? That's the question. I want my h to return home. When he was back for those few months, before his fear got in the way, it was like the man I use to know was back. I feel like people will know what I mean by that. The man that I fell in love with and married. The man he's been for the past 18 months of so is not the man I knew. Bits of the "old" H started appearing last February, then he came back at the end of April.

However, I don't want him to come home until he has addressed his fears and overcome them. I don't want to go through this rollercoaster of emotion again.

I would agree with the "wanting to be friends but not treating you as a friend" statement too. I know how he treats his friends and that's not how he's treating me at all.

My plan right now is to keep doing what I'm doing: working, enjoying my hobbies, traveling, spending time with my friends, improving myself. What happens after that? I don't know....

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2019, 06:46:38 AM »
I'm sorry Surviving, that makes it hard.  Him feeling he has to choose between his wife and his kids.

I guess my first reaction was, you are married and the kids need to accept that.
If the can't give him any reasons for not liking you, then I'm afraid that is their problem.  They are not young children.  You are not just friends, you are his wife.

However until he knows the reason, I'm sure that is a real fear he has.

Well I guess you need to decide what is best for you.  He will have to make his own decisions. 
I personally, would not accept just a friend relationship with your husband, that is allowing his children to control him, but again this has to be your choice.

We will support what ever you decide.

I 100% agree with you. It also makes it a little difficult for me, because I can empathize with his feeling that he has to chose between me or the kids. It's also very frustrating because that's not the reality: he is creating this situation in his mind. There is plenty of room for all of us. And I can't fix it or make him see that. *sigh*

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2019, 09:33:35 AM »
It's not unheard of for an MLCer to return on the same timeline as yours. But then they often leave again. It's pretty rare for an early returner like this to stay put. At least that is the impression I get from others' stories on here.

I agree the situation with the kids is likely a product of his own mind. I'm not sure I would validate it because whether it is him or them, you didn't do anything to bring it on. I would refuse to engage with such talk at all and just tell him if he has those concerns he should discuss it with his kids because as far as you are concerned the door is always open for them and they are welcome in your home any time. And then zip your lips after a brief statement and don't engage about it again. Put it back on his head.

I got a lot of "you hate my mother" talk out of H around the same time in his timeline. All a product of his imagination. It passed eventually.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 09:36:04 AM by Not Your Monkey »
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline RedStar

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2019, 09:54:14 AM »
All a product of his imagination.

And, whatever the causes of it (I believe it is depressive dissociation as a coping mechanism in response to papered-over, unresolved early trauma stirred up by more recent grief and stress they can't handle -- this increases cortisol, which lowers testosterone, and so on and so on...), delusion is what we are dealing with here -- and it brings us so much WTF :o :-\ ::) :o.

One way I have put it is, my X didn't leave *me*. He left the person his messed up mind told him I was.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #15 on: October 03, 2019, 09:58:00 AM »
Welcome here Surviving, and I am glad you found us.
That would have to be hard to have him leave and then come back and leave again.
The two years that you were separated - you said you were amicable and in frequent contact - who initiated the contact ?
Did his adult children realize why you separated ? That there was an affair ?

My heart truly goes out to you as not only do you have to deal with his MLC fears but also him seemingly having to choose between you and his children.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #16 on: October 03, 2019, 11:09:34 AM »
He often initiated the contact, unless it was about the house or our dog, in which case I would initiate. Like if I was out of town and needed someone to watch our dog, he was the first one I asked. Or if I needed some repair with the house, then I would ask him.

There was an emotional affair with a married woman who lives across the country. The kids did not know about it. The youngest was still living with us at the time (he was getting ready for his senior year when I asked my h to leave).  They are aware of the affair now as he told them when he decided to come home.

It is very hard because I really enjoyed him being home. I also didn't just lose my husband during this, I've also lost my step kids which is very hard. I love them very much. I would love to repair things with them, which is also hard when I don't even know why they are upset.

Offline Rollercoasterider

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #17 on: October 09, 2019, 01:16:33 PM »
We did hang out a few times this summer (after he had returned home and the kids were in town visiting). It was fine--we were all civil. However, they won't speak to me if their father isn't around. This is not how it was when we all lived together. Example, my oldest step daughter turned 25 this summer. I texted her happy birthday (same as I have for years). No response which is not normal for her. Same with my stepson when he has his birthday on Monday.
I also didn't just lose my husband during this, I've also lost my step kids which is very hard. I love them very much. I would love to repair things with them, which is also hard when I don't even know why they are upset.
What would you tell a client who came to your office asking about this situation with their step children?
You can certainly think about that answer in your head, but it may be more beneficial if you post your answer.


Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Little support from those that Stand
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2019, 06:05:54 AM »
I could use some support and/or words of encouragement from those of you that are standing. My H made a move home for a few months, then retreated back into the tunnel. I've been reading and have also been told he may be going back and closing all those doors before finally coming out of this crisis. It seems like he's doing that. Before coming home he had cut off lots of the younger ppl he met during his MLC. He was pulling back on his social media. He reconnected with his friends from years ago--the ones that are closer to his age. Now he seems to have swung back to the behaviors during the beginning of the MLC. I know it can get worse before it gets better. Yikes....Hoping this means he is closing those doors.... I'm holding onto that tiny bit of hope.  He has told me this script that he "tried everything to see if there was an us" in those 3.5 months he was back.  Yep...that's definitely enough time to heal the damage that was done by the EA and running from home.  ::)

Before he came back, I was really very invested in my own life, and just being warm if he initiated contact. I'm trying to get back to that spot. I so wish I had known that prior to him returning home. I'm also so hurt that I simply want to be done. I probably need some time to regroup and lick my proverbial wounds.

He recently asked me if I thought he was "broken."   :o  We had a fine conversation about it, although I don't expect anything to come from it. I sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him. There are so many things I want to say to him. So many thoughts and feelings. I tend to bite my tongue as I know he's not at a place to hear these things. He wants to be "Friends" too but really doesn't act like a friend at all. *sigh* I know this is typical, but it doesn't make it any better.

(*I'm also going to throw in a slight vent here: I own our home which I purchased prior to our marriage. It's in my name bc his credit was so terrible after his divorce that he couldn't get on a mortgage. We never refinanced because... I dunno...why? So, I have this house to take care of, and it kind of makes me angry that he just ran and left that responsibility to me. Just found out last night that I need a new liner for the chimney which is a pretty penny. Sometimes I feel a lot of anger about fixing things around the house when he's just living in his gross little apartment where the super will come fix anything.....end vent*). 

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this: maybe just some words of wisdom and/or support. It's good to know that others here understand MLC. Of course there aren't many ppl in my life that understand it. They all just say he's selfish and I deserve better (both true, although I do know it's more complicated then that).
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 06:48:15 AM by Surviving2019 »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #19 on: October 11, 2019, 06:57:34 AM »
I've merged your two threads. Please stick with one thread until it reaches 150 posts. It relieves a lot of pressure from the Mods to try to track all the various threads...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #20 on: October 11, 2019, 07:00:53 AM »
We did hang out a few times this summer (after he had returned home and the kids were in town visiting). It was fine--we were all civil. However, they won't speak to me if their father isn't around. This is not how it was when we all lived together. Example, my oldest step daughter turned 25 this summer. I texted her happy birthday (same as I have for years). No response which is not normal for her. Same with my stepson when he has his birthday on Monday.
I also didn't just lose my husband during this, I've also lost my step kids which is very hard. I love them very much. I would love to repair things with them, which is also hard when I don't even know why they are upset.
[/quot

What would you tell a client who came to your office asking about this situation with their step children?
You can certainly think about that answer in your head, but it may be more beneficial if you post your answer.


I’ve thought a lot about this. My own therapist flippantly told me that many people lose step children and need to simply move on. This isn’t ok with me.

I would probably tell a client that it would be normal to be feeling grief about this loss. I would also probably ask them if they wanted to contact their step children and to think about the pros and cons of that. I think in my case, the cons would be that it would really make my h angry. It may also further alienate the kids from me.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 07:02:34 AM by UrsaMajor »

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #21 on: October 11, 2019, 07:22:07 AM »
I agree, it is a great loss.  After pouring years into children and looking at them as family, it would be odd not to grieve them.  Admittedly, I have already begun to prepare my heart for the day one of my children decides to live with their father.  The loss would be overwhelming.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #22 on: October 12, 2019, 11:04:29 PM »
Surviving, MLC is the gift that just keeps on giving.  I haven't seen two of my four children for five years due to the manipulation of XH. 

The only thing you can do is keep living your best life and hope that one day they will see the truth of it all.  The pain is absolutely horrible.  I can live with XH being gone but why he had to take the children as his possessions, I have no idea.  Jealousy is the only plausible reason.  They are not great parents before BD, maybe the guilt drives them to tell the lies about us which keep the children away.  Mine are about the same age as yours, so many years of their lives I will never get back.
We can't change their reality or what our H's told them, only life experience will do that for them.

((((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #23 on: October 14, 2019, 05:25:01 AM »
Oh I am so sorry you haven’t seen some of your children. That must be heartbreaking. It is a very hard and unfair thing that we walk through. I continue to hold hope that one day my stepchildren will have an epiphany and contact me. It’s a tiny bit of hope but it’s there. It’s so much more than simply losing a spouse: it’s the loss of a whole family. I think that’s the part many people don’t understand. Just the partner is bad enough but throw in the rest of the family....

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #24 on: October 14, 2019, 11:11:53 PM »
All part of the journey Surviving, I hope today has been good to you :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #25 on: October 15, 2019, 05:55:00 AM »
Thank you!

I have been told countless times that since they are not my biological children, u shouldn’t be feeling the loss. Sigh. I really had a good relationship with the oldest and youngest. We lived together for 7 years. I opened my heart to loving them, teenage angst and all.  ;) To be cut out of their lives is so very painful.

I am having a better day. Thanks for asking! Very busy at work which really helps. I find that I do better when I’m busy.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #26 on: October 15, 2019, 07:45:47 AM »
That's hurtful, Surviving.  Would they tell an adoptive mother the same thing?  Of course not.  :(

You don't just love biological children.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #27 on: October 15, 2019, 11:13:08 AM »
That's hurtful, Surviving.  Would they tell an adoptive mother the same thing?  Of course not.  :(

You don't just love biological children.

Yes, it's super hurtful. My own therapist told me that they aren't my kids and lots of people lose step-children. Even my H has said very hurtful things like, "they are my kids..." I basically ignore him because he's in crisis so whatever. It's the other people that are hurtful. Friends and family just telling me they aren't my kids so why should I care? Because I opened my heart and life to them.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #28 on: October 15, 2019, 11:20:48 AM »
Not sure I care much for your therapist trying to minimize the loss of your step-children because they are not your own children.
It is hard to lose anyone that you invested emotions in and that has been part of your for so long.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #29 on: October 15, 2019, 01:56:02 PM »
Not sure I care much for your therapist trying to minimize the loss of your step-children because they are not your own children.
It is hard to lose anyone that you invested emotions in and that has been part of your for so long.

Me either. I know she's just wanting me to move on. She's told me for the last year that he's not emotionally available in the way I need him to be. I completely understand that. I also understand that he is capable of being that way because he has been in the past. He's in a crisis. She poo poos the idea of an MLC though and just tells me he's emotionally immature, deeply wounded from his FOO issues and first marriage, and that I need to move on. I think the comment about the kids was also an attempt to get me to move on with my life and stop standing for the relationship.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #30 on: October 15, 2019, 08:11:59 PM »
Therapists who want you to move on make me angry!! Some of their own stuff must be coming up for them to suggest such a thing.

I had a therapist who was like this and I ditched her fast.  it's best to find someone who is pro marriage but who will also listen without telling you what your life would look like if you did what they say - how the he!! would they know what any person's life looks like, they are not them and unless they are psychic, lives can take many directions.  We need support for what we think is best, not disapproval for hanging onto what we believe is best for us.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #31 on: October 16, 2019, 06:46:05 AM »
100% agree.


Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #32 on: October 16, 2019, 07:25:58 AM »
My stated purpose, to my IC, was to stay married.

She has challenged me, my perceptions, my beliefs, my fears.  We have argued.  I've called her out on things as well.  LOL  She has supported my stand, she has supported my desire to quit.  Recently, after W filed for D without telling me, my IC said "Are you still married?"  My response was "Yes."  She said "Then start acting like it.  You took your ring off over a year ago.  Put it back on.  You need to forget the past and get on with the present.  If you want this marriage, and you think she's having an MLC (IC is NOT not a HUGE believer... :)) then that means you are the only sane one.  That means you are the only one that can save it, if anyone can.  Address the fact that she filed 4 months ago by lying to you and not telling you.  Get it out in the open.  Let her know how you feel."

Admittedly, this goes somewhat contrary to the advice on HS.  And that's happened frequently.  But, it galvanized me to stop being a passive observer in this MLC mess.  The D was filed 161 days ago, and nothing further has happened legally.  Me and W are speaking more, and she recently said she had hope we could co-parent effectively, where before, there was none.  I wear my ring all the time.  I've been supported and vilified for that decision, but I'm fine with it.  Due to D9's soccer, we see each other 3 times a week, and frequently, although not always, sit next to each other and chat.  Last year, that never happened.  She knows I'm wearing the ring, but whether it makes her curious, angry, or she just doesn't care, I wouldn't know:  she hasn't addressed it.

You don't need to stay with a therapist that doesn't support you.  My first therapist, a male, advised divorce after our second session.  Maybe he was right, but it didn't suit me at the time.  So, I left.

If I do divorce, it will be done with no regret, no anger, and no resentment.  I will have given myself TIME, and I will know I did everything I could for me, my W and my D.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #33 on: October 16, 2019, 08:25:46 AM »
S19 - I am here and attaching.

As for a therapist....I got lucky.  Mine told me the marriage is gone.  Let it go.  I mis-interpretted her and told her I wasn't quitting on my marriage and I didn't want to talk about quitting anymore.

She then told me she wasn't say divorce or date or quit or anything like that.  She just wanted me off the subject of marriage because right now there is not one to work on.  OK  Duh.  I do many times need the 2 x 4 between the eyes.  I am not good at gey...I like black and white.  She gave it to me from then on.

She wanted and got me to concentrate on me and me alone.  She wanted me to heal.  She pushed my buttons.  I left there so angry many days and with a homework assignment.  Over the week or two in between sessions...I thought and thought a lot.  I did the work and had to go back and tell her she was right about me.  She would say ok...good job...give me a hug and push some more buttons.

She did her job.  She make me look inside me then look around me.  She got me started on the healing track and I am the one who needs to keep it going.  Come to think about it...I need to send her a TY card and an update on me.  I did it last year at BD...time to do it again.  She deserves to know I am one of her sucesses.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Treasur

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #34 on: October 16, 2019, 08:43:36 AM »
You will know if you have found an IC who gets you. Who gets the balance right between validating how you feel as ok AND challenging your thoughts about what you DO. Without validation, we don't feel safe enough to be honest about the messy stuff. Without challenge, we don't stretch and explore and do the hard work to grow as Sam and others say. If your IC doesn't feel right, leave and find another.

Jmo but there is nothing shameful or wrong in how you feel about your step kids. You may not be able to change how things are right now, or do much with the feeling, but it is ok to feel how you feel.

And jmo too...I HATE that phrase 'move on'...I find 'move forward' feels kinder and more useful.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 08:47:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #35 on: November 04, 2019, 09:13:35 AM »
Having a bit of a down day today. I just got back from visiting my sister, BIL and my nephews. It felt good to be in a house filled with love and laughter. Really missing that today. Good news is I got a happy greeting from my dog (who generally isn't very demonstrative) when I got home this morning.

I've been thinking a lot about my life right now. It's ok. I have a really good career and know that I make a difference there. It's fulfilling. I do miss my h and step kids a lot though. That fulfilling part of my life seems to be on hold and that's not a great feeling for me. I'm sure being around my sis and her family is what has brought this all up.  I really think, in general, I'm doing well on focusing on my and living my life--just a bit sad today.

I've also been reflecting back over the last few years. Hindsight is 20/20, but I think my h started his MLC much earlier then BD, probably a year, maybe a little more. That would put him at the 3 year mark. I felt very disconnected from him for a while before BD. I'm actually pretty sure if I hadn't asked him what was going on, he would still be here and I would still be feeling disconnected and frustrated not knowing what was going on. He'd be pretending everything was ok, because that's 100% what he did. Not as if this information really changes anything at all. It's simply an observation....hopefully he finishes cooking soon because those 4 months of him being "back" were so great.


Online barbiedoll

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #36 on: November 04, 2019, 02:06:13 PM »
Following along as well Surviving and I am so sorry that you are in the same boat as the rest of us. It really is so incredibly painful. My husband also asked me if I thought he was "broken". I was really very surprised at the question as he seemed determined , in charge of his life and seemed to know exactly what he wanted, which was not our marriage. I told him that I thought something was a little bit "broken" and to talk to me about what was happening. This was before I understood MLC and I had NO idea what was happening. He monstered about the fact I told him something was broken...for months even though he asked and used the word "broken" in his question. He swore for months that I "kept calling him broken ".

I also had him tell me that my step-daughter was "uncomfortable " around me or to come home . I remember the blood draining into my feet in shock. How was it everyone around me was betraying me ??. My step-daughter has been with me since she was not even two years old. I am her mother and I adore her beyond words. We are tight  and always have been .  I took her to the park and asked her . She had no idea about the situation with my husband ...so I told her. He wanted to leave, not happy blah blah , all the usual. This girl denied EVER having such feelings or ever telling her father any such thing . She said " I would never leave you if I was on fire ". He lied in such an excruciating fashion. I love my step-daughter ...she is mine. Do not believe 99% of what they say . Maybe try to talk with them and put those very valuable relationships in good standing. I am sorry this is happening to you .
« Last Edit: November 04, 2019, 02:07:29 PM by barbiedoll »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online sachat3

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #37 on: November 04, 2019, 02:30:01 PM »
I know I may be along a bit late but, as a outsider I would contact the step kids. My “dad” isn’t biologically mine and if he suddenly stopped communicating with me. I would be hurt. I understand you have tried but it seems to me like he may have interfered and said something. Your not his girlfriend that he’s only known a few months. Your his wife. And you will mean a lot to them. JMO
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #38 on: November 04, 2019, 04:57:52 PM »

I also had him tell me that my step-daughter was "uncomfortable " around me or to come home . I remember the blood draining into my feet in shock. How was it everyone around me was betraying me ??. My step-daughter has been with me since she was not even two years old. I am her mother and I adore her beyond words. We are tight  and always have been .  I took her to the park and asked her . She had no idea about the situation with my husband ...so I told her. He wanted to leave, not happy blah blah , all the usual. This girl denied EVER having such feelings or ever telling her father any such thing . She said " I would never leave you if I was on fire ". He lied in such an excruciating fashion. I love my step-daughter ...she is mine. Do not believe 99% of what they say . Maybe try to talk with them and put those very valuable relationships in good standing. I am sorry this is happening to you .

Oh thank you so much for sharing! It's nice to know I'm not alone with the stepchildren thing. I do think the oldest and youngest are angry with me as we were always close and they won't speak to me.  It's so very painful. All I can think is that they are mad I kicked him out but honestly...,he didn't want to give up his EA and I wasn't in the place to be able to deal with that emotionally. I so want to talk to them. It's also a fine line. I guess I could broach it with the "I know your dad told you about the affair..." or something like that. It's hard because I want to believe him when he tells me he told them. I actually do believe he did, but I still don't know why they are so angry with me. :-(

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #39 on: November 05, 2019, 03:20:18 AM »
Oh thank you so much for sharing! It's nice to know I'm not alone with the stepchildren thing. I do think the oldest and youngest are angry with me as we were always close and they won't speak to me.  It's so very painful. All I can think is that they are mad I kicked him out but honestly...,he didn't want to give up his EA and I wasn't in the place to be able to deal with that emotionally. I so want to talk to them. It's also a fine line. I guess I could broach it with the "I know your dad told you about the affair..." or something like that. It's hard because I want to believe him when he tells me he told them. I actually do believe he did, but I still don't know why they are so angry with me. :-(

If I had to take a SWAG and put on my Mind-Reading hat, I would suggest that it may be due to the fact that they have already lost one mother (if they are your step-kids) and now, they are loosing a second one. They possibly feel like that loss is your fault since you kicked H out. Whether or not H has said anything about the affair is a different matter. If he has told them, I am sure that he has spun a lovely tale of why he had to do it in order to validate and justify his actions.Your approach to the conversation COULD be a good one but, if he hasn't told them (and why should he? Right now, he has them where he wants them, spun up and angry at you), they may be totally shocked.. .  The answer that you get back may surprise you (that he either hasn't told them or given some other cockamamy justification that doesn't reflect reality). He might even turn the table of his misdeeds and project them as something YOU did to HIM..
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #40 on: November 05, 2019, 06:39:02 AM »
Ursa:
Yes, that's my fear which is why I actually haven't done anything. I'm pretty sure they are pissed that I kicked him out. I get paralyzed by the fear: do I reach out to them? Do I not reach out to them? I feel like if I do, I'd like to make it about our relationships and not their dad. That I love and care about what happens to them. That I hope they are doing well. Etc etc. 

Their dad is so in the tunnel right now. He recently update me on my MIL (who is really ill) and then said "I told my kids that grandma might not make it until Christmas."  That was hard to bite my tongue. Yep, they are biologically his children. Doesn't make my feelings for them any less.  :'(

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #41 on: November 05, 2019, 07:24:52 AM »
The thing is that you do not know WHAT he told them about the EA or even IF he told them.  Mid-Lifers are heavily invested in NOT being the "bad guy"so they tell stories (OK, let's be blunt, they lie) in order to not have to accept blame for their actions.

Since the "kids" are really all adults though, it is difficult to establish a relationship if they do not want one...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #42 on: November 05, 2019, 08:09:46 AM »
Boy are you right on the inability to accept responsibility and lying to be the "good guy." It boggles my mind how MCLers really can't take responsibility when they are in the throes of the crisis. I remember at the beginning trying to make my h see how utterly irresponsible he was being. Of course everyone that reads this will know what happened...he monstered which was quite honestly the only time I saw that in all the years we have known each other. I remember being so upset at that and saying "I don't know why you are being mean and nasty. Your actions have caused this."  HA HA HA. It just fell on deaf ears. I've learned to just zip it because he's not ready to hear things like that.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #43 on: November 05, 2019, 05:58:48 PM »
Yes Surviving, you can't tell them anything, especially difficult to get them to see the error of their ways because they are totally convinced they are right about what they are doing.

Sorry about the monster session.

If you want to engage with your step children, send a short text saying you are thinking of them.  It's up to them to respond.  It's a start just to make some contact.  Many of us here have children we miss :'(
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Caroline

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #44 on: November 05, 2019, 07:34:36 PM »
Surviving,

  I consider myself to still be somewhat new, but when I discovered this site, i posted a little and then more... the people here have been wonderful and they truly can help, support and give you the virtual hugs that you will need. I have found a safety in being able to share my wins, frustrations, fears, anger and hurts here.....people here care and no one in my real world has ever experienced anyone in MLC so being able to come to a place where people both care and get it means a lot..



Caroline

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #45 on: November 05, 2019, 08:33:18 PM »
Quote
If he has told them, I am sure that he has spun a lovely tale of why he had to do it in order to validate and justify his actions.Your approach to the conversation COULD be a good one but, if he hasn't told them (and why should he? Right now, he has them where he wants them, spun up and angry at you), they may be totally shocked.. .  The answer that you get back may surprise you (that he either hasn't told them or given some other cockamamy justification that doesn't reflect reality). He might even turn the table of his misdeeds and project them as something YOU did to HIM..
.

Yes...I would be very surprised if he told them and even more surprised if he took responsibility for it . Skip the middle man all together and talk directly with your step-children. It just might solve some of the issues.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #46 on: November 07, 2019, 11:12:05 AM »
Well, when it rains it pours....

My h has a female woodworker in his shop for the next 2 days filming content and then there is a workshop on Saturday. He told me about this a few weeks ago. This is how his EA started. He was "collaborating" with a female woodworker 3 years ago which turned into an EA. As you can imagine, I'm super triggered by this. I haven't done or said anything. For all I know, this is literally just a business relationship. I know for a fact that he has business relationships with other female woodworkers that are nothing more than that.

We had that false return a few months ago. I feel like he's back into replay or depression, or both. Who knows? Anyway, I'm just posting here because I know you will all understand. I'm heading out of town tomorrow because I knew this was coming up and I know I will do better if I'm hanging out with friends and distracted.  I didn't realize she was going to be here today though: I mistakenly thought it was just Friday and Saturday. That's it...just triggered. One step forward, two steps back.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2019, 11:30:04 AM by Surviving2019 »

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #47 on: November 08, 2019, 12:34:54 AM »
You really can't do anything about his actions but you can step away and allow the crisis to unfold the way it should.  The less you think about potential ow's, the better.  It's a trigger but he may not be thin king about anything but being professional in this instance. We get used to expecting the worst but it doesn't always happen.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #48 on: November 08, 2019, 02:02:36 AM »
Ah yes.. The good old "Coming up with all kinds of doomsday scenarios and expecting the worst before it happens"... also known as ....



Monkey-braining!

Yes, it may actually come to pass that he goes tripping down the Replay Path but it is not a guarantee. Either way, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about his choices... You DO have a choice about YOUR reactions to his shenanigans and, it looks like you are already taking some steps to do so...
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 02:04:12 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #49 on: November 08, 2019, 05:42:56 AM »
Ah yes.. The good old "Coming up with all kinds of doomsday scenarios and expecting the worst before it happens"... also known as ....



Monkey-braining!

Yes, it may actually come to pass that he goes tripping down the Replay Path but it is not a guarantee. Either way, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about his choices... You DO have a choice about YOUR reactions to his shenanigans and, it looks like you are already taking some steps to do so...

 ;D I love the graphic. I'm going to envision that the next time I start looking at worse case scenarios! It gave me a good laugh to see it and I think it will be very helpful.

Yep, I'm doing my best to manage my reactions. Of course a small part of me wants to go to his apartment and let him have it. Then I want to go to the shop during the workshop and tell all the participants about his craziness.  Then who look crazy?! ME! ha ha ha ha! I know that I can't do anything about it. I know all of those things would make it worse. I've gotten pretty good over the last 2 years at managing my reactions when he does ridiculous things.  I'm proud of myself for that growth.  If only my brain would get on board with my actions. :-)

I'm actually in an affair recovery group and many of the women were talking about how unfair it all is (yes absolutely it is). Then they shared all these things they have done to "get back" at their husbands. They asked me what I'd done and I was like....nothing really (apart from screaming at him when I discovered OW, and then calling him and telling him how disappointed I was in his actions a few months later). I've had tons of opportunities to tell his family, friends, throw his crap on the lawn, smear his and her name in the industry, tell his kids, blast him in our community which is small and which he is pretty well respected, etc etc. I just don't do it. It won't help.  I would also be lying if I said I haven't considered these things. I have. But I can only control myself and my actions. I just need to get a bit better at detaching so my brain doesn't really care what he's doing. I was there before he came back, so I have confidence that I can get back to that place with a little more time.  This trip to Portland will help me tremendously.

If I think rationally, I doubt he has any clue this is triggering for me. He knows the former OW is triggering for me. He knows the state she lives in is triggering for me. He knows the tool company that she represents is triggering for me. That's about it. And how I handle triggers is absolutely my responsibility as sucky as that is.

Thanks for the support Ursa and Savor Faire!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #50 on: November 08, 2019, 10:07:43 PM »
Your affair recovery group sounds like a bunch of smiling assassins!!

Talking about what happened helps at the beginning but after a while it's just best to deal with this yourself.  I am a firm believer that going over and over this again and again just makes it worse.  Living your best life and getting on with it is definitely the best option.

I try to keep my story simple these days and just report positive stuff which happens in my life.  The main reason for staying is to help others rather than rehash all my stuff which just keeps me in a bad place and I no longer want or need that amount of negativity.

Revenge is a terrible idea and I am glad you took the high road.  I feel for those who do stupid things, they will feel foolish about it one day and it makes them look really bad.  Maybe a book club would be better ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online sachat3

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #51 on: November 09, 2019, 04:02:50 AM »
Ahhh revenge. I did that myself. I did some awful things. I attacked Clingtons cat with a child’s spade. Didn’t damage the car. Which in hindsight is a blessing. I messaged Ow calling her vile names. I phoned her at her work. I’ve even sent her pictures and screenshots of Clington being unfaithful. Do I regret it now. Yes I guess I do. But I also think that made her dig her claws in even more. But I also own it as part of my journey. Gave me something to build on.

I get asked so often “would you take him back” I answer honestly and tell them I don’t know and the answer I receive back is almost always the same “well you need to firetruck somebody else. Show him you can get it too”. I undsertand the notion of “to get over one get under another” may work for some. But not for me. I wouldn’t want to use somebody else like that.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #52 on: November 09, 2019, 03:50:21 PM »
Revenge sounds nice in theory.....and I have done it once to someone.....a long time ago.
But I now will take the more biblical “heap burning coals upon their head”, which is what shame feels like anyway.....like your face is on fire.

Not to mention.....if revenge is what I take often that’s the only satisfaction you get.....

And at the end of the day I still have to live with me.

On a lighter note....that revenge (15 years ago) was creative, brilliant and funny.....I may have put BB pellets in the air caps of all 4 tires.....and took all cups, spoons and bowls (enjoy eating your cereal off a plate with a fork), annnnnnnd unscrewed every lightbulb just enough that the lights wouldn’t work.......and then maybe taken a seam ripper to every third seam in his favorite pair of pants so when he put them on they came apart at the seams.

For like 2 months afterwards I would get asked.......”what else did you do?”

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

It seems petty but it was satisfying.....what was he going to do? Call the cops and tell them I loosened lightbulbs? 🤣🤣🤣

I have grown as a person though..........I have better ideas now😉

Just kidding.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #53 on: November 10, 2019, 07:20:47 PM »
Wow! Oregon is beautiful. Spent much of the day hiking with my brother. I’m packing to head home now. I’m feeling a bit down. Going home to an empty house...that kind of sucks. I know that by Tuesday or Wednesday, I’ll be back in the swing of things and feeling pretty good. But the sadness about heading home: *sigh* another unwanted part of being an LBS.  :'(

Can’t o just shake my H and tell him to come home?!  ;) ;D  ::) (totally kidding).


Offline Schratz66

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #54 on: November 13, 2019, 06:25:05 AM »
Surviving - I so wish we could shake each other's husbands and shake some sense into them....
Coming home to an empty home is the hard...I just came home from visiting my D and the emptiness is just there.

Just like you I never even considered revenge, because I love that man and really have no ill intentions. The only thing I wanted him to experience is the type of pain that he caused me, which is why I hoped the OW would break his heart, but that doesn't seem to pan out either - as usual he will be the leaver.
The OW - I try not to think about because while she was the pursuer, she was not the one married to me.

You do sound really good though
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #55 on: November 14, 2019, 11:16:29 AM »
Quick update. I got home from Portland Monday. Our dog had a vet appointment for a suspicious lump which was being biopsied. I contacted H and thanked him for watching the dog and also to just let him know that I was having the lump biopsied (It's benign thankfully).  I received a snarky test back from H stating, "No need to thank me for watching the dog. She's an easy keeper."  Some may say I'm reading into a text message, however I know my H and typically he will respond "yep" or "no problem."  I didn't respond to that message at all. This was Monday. It's a boundary I'm putting up: he wouldn't say that to anyone else. He wouldn't treat others that way. I'm not ok with being treated that way so no response is for me, the natural consequence of sending me that message.

Yesterday it snowed here. He sent me a text messages warning me about road conditions, accidents, and delays.  I didn't respond  because I was at work. He sent me a second one two hours later. Neither of which I responded to. I've been reading a number of posts from others that seem to have similar interactions with their MLCers: close, then withdraw, then close, then withdraw. This has been the pattern since he left the second time 10 weeks ago. I haven't responded and don't really intend to.  It's odd because I do want him to come home. I struggle with knowing the balance on leaving the door open, while also respecting myself. Thoughts?

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #56 on: November 15, 2019, 11:32:03 AM »
Surviving - I am not saying you read into the text message about the dog, because only you know your H, but I know I have read emotions into something that wasn't there.
I am so very glad that the biopsy came back as benign.
If you do not feel like responding to his messages, then don't. I believe it's all about what you are comfortable with and what your gut says.
In my case I always responded to any message because throughout this whole crisis he always responded to any and all of my messages, but like i said I think it's whatever you feel is right for you.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #57 on: November 16, 2019, 07:45:08 AM »
Schratz66-
I actually ended up thanking him. Also, strangely enough, a tool company delivered a package here Thursday night. That hasn't happened in over a year. So I contacted him and arranged a time to drop it off. He was very odd: a little snarky when talking to me, and also as if he didn't want me to leave. He kept showing me things in his shop (ie. the result of that workshop in which that woman was here). He was very excited about it--almost like a teenager, looking for validation on his projects. I told him the finished product looked good, and I was glad he learned a new skill.  Every time I tried to leave he would start talking about something else. I purposely arranged the drop off time knowing I had a meeting I had to attend so there was a specific time I had to leave. I let him know that, and again, he tried to keep me there because I still had some time before I needed to leave. Thankfully, a customer showed up after about 15 minutes so I was able to leave at that point.

I then received a text message from him an hour later letting me know he finally figured out how to get a nativity project mapped on his CNC machine. It's a gift I've been wanting to make for my mother for over 5 years. I bought the plans 5 years ago and he was going to help me with it. He then decided it would be "easier" if he could figure out a way to let the CNC cut it so I didn't have to jigsaw it. He never really seemed to have the time to actually map it for the CNC though. I'm to a point where I simply want it done and I have absolutely no problems doing the manual labor on it. Talk about weirdness. He's invited me to work at his shop "anytime."  I don't really need his help with the project, but I do need to borrow the jigsaw....it's all very odd.

Also, and I know this is very typical: he looks terrible. Like he hasn't been sleeping. It's sad and funny at the same time because he has such a large social media presence for his business and always puts on the mask of being super happy for his followers. When that mask is down--boy does he look sad, tired, and just plain old. It's in stark contrast to how I've been. I'm eating, sleeping and exercising. Recently several people have told me that I'm looking healthy and happy. The strange journey of MLC right.  :o

This will probably change for me, but right now I'm feeling pretty ok. It feels liberating to be back in that head and heart space. I was there for about 16 months after he left the first time, and then had that setback when he left again this August. I'm thankful that I feel I'm getting back to that place.

 

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