Author Topic: My Story Newbie here: my story  (Read 1279 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #10 on: October 03, 2019, 05:35:47 AM »
I'm sorry Surviving, that makes it hard.  Him feeling he has to choose between his wife and his kids.

I guess my first reaction was, you are married and the kids need to accept that.
If the can't give him any reasons for not liking you, then I'm afraid that is their problem.  They are not young children.  You are not just friends, you are his wife.

However until he knows the reason, I'm sure that is a real fear he has.

Well I guess you need to decide what is best for you.  He will have to make his own decisions. 
I personally, would not accept just a friend relationship with your husband, that is allowing his children to control him, but again this has to be your choice.

We will support what ever you decide.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #11 on: October 03, 2019, 06:44:57 AM »
What do I want? That's the question. I want my h to return home. When he was back for those few months, before his fear got in the way, it was like the man I use to know was back. I feel like people will know what I mean by that. The man that I fell in love with and married. The man he's been for the past 18 months of so is not the man I knew. Bits of the "old" H started appearing last February, then he came back at the end of April.

However, I don't want him to come home until he has addressed his fears and overcome them. I don't want to go through this rollercoaster of emotion again.

I would agree with the "wanting to be friends but not treating you as a friend" statement too. I know how he treats his friends and that's not how he's treating me at all.

My plan right now is to keep doing what I'm doing: working, enjoying my hobbies, traveling, spending time with my friends, improving myself. What happens after that? I don't know....

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2019, 06:46:38 AM »
I'm sorry Surviving, that makes it hard.  Him feeling he has to choose between his wife and his kids.

I guess my first reaction was, you are married and the kids need to accept that.
If the can't give him any reasons for not liking you, then I'm afraid that is their problem.  They are not young children.  You are not just friends, you are his wife.

However until he knows the reason, I'm sure that is a real fear he has.

Well I guess you need to decide what is best for you.  He will have to make his own decisions. 
I personally, would not accept just a friend relationship with your husband, that is allowing his children to control him, but again this has to be your choice.

We will support what ever you decide.

I 100% agree with you. It also makes it a little difficult for me, because I can empathize with his feeling that he has to chose between me or the kids. It's also very frustrating because that's not the reality: he is creating this situation in his mind. There is plenty of room for all of us. And I can't fix it or make him see that. *sigh*

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2019, 09:33:35 AM »
It's not unheard of for an MLCer to return on the same timeline as yours. But then they often leave again. It's pretty rare for an early returner like this to stay put. At least that is the impression I get from others' stories on here.

I agree the situation with the kids is likely a product of his own mind. I'm not sure I would validate it because whether it is him or them, you didn't do anything to bring it on. I would refuse to engage with such talk at all and just tell him if he has those concerns he should discuss it with his kids because as far as you are concerned the door is always open for them and they are welcome in your home any time. And then zip your lips after a brief statement and don't engage about it again. Put it back on his head.

I got a lot of "you hate my mother" talk out of H around the same time in his timeline. All a product of his imagination. It passed eventually.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 09:36:04 AM by Not Your Monkey »
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline RedStar

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2019, 09:54:14 AM »
All a product of his imagination.

And, whatever the causes of it (I believe it is depressive dissociation as a coping mechanism in response to papered-over, unresolved early trauma stirred up by more recent grief and stress they can't handle -- this increases cortisol, which lowers testosterone, and so on and so on...), delusion is what we are dealing with here -- and it brings us so much WTF :o :-\ ::) :o.

One way I have put it is, my X didn't leave *me*. He left the person his messed up mind told him I was.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #15 on: October 03, 2019, 09:58:00 AM »
Welcome here Surviving, and I am glad you found us.
That would have to be hard to have him leave and then come back and leave again.
The two years that you were separated - you said you were amicable and in frequent contact - who initiated the contact ?
Did his adult children realize why you separated ? That there was an affair ?

My heart truly goes out to you as not only do you have to deal with his MLC fears but also him seemingly having to choose between you and his children.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #16 on: October 03, 2019, 11:09:34 AM »
He often initiated the contact, unless it was about the house or our dog, in which case I would initiate. Like if I was out of town and needed someone to watch our dog, he was the first one I asked. Or if I needed some repair with the house, then I would ask him.

There was an emotional affair with a married woman who lives across the country. The kids did not know about it. The youngest was still living with us at the time (he was getting ready for his senior year when I asked my h to leave).  They are aware of the affair now as he told them when he decided to come home.

It is very hard because I really enjoyed him being home. I also didn't just lose my husband during this, I've also lost my step kids which is very hard. I love them very much. I would love to repair things with them, which is also hard when I don't even know why they are upset.

Offline Rollercoasterider

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #17 on: October 09, 2019, 01:16:33 PM »
We did hang out a few times this summer (after he had returned home and the kids were in town visiting). It was fine--we were all civil. However, they won't speak to me if their father isn't around. This is not how it was when we all lived together. Example, my oldest step daughter turned 25 this summer. I texted her happy birthday (same as I have for years). No response which is not normal for her. Same with my stepson when he has his birthday on Monday.
I also didn't just lose my husband during this, I've also lost my step kids which is very hard. I love them very much. I would love to repair things with them, which is also hard when I don't even know why they are upset.
What would you tell a client who came to your office asking about this situation with their step children?
You can certainly think about that answer in your head, but it may be more beneficial if you post your answer.


Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Little support from those that Stand
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2019, 06:05:54 AM »
I could use some support and/or words of encouragement from those of you that are standing. My H made a move home for a few months, then retreated back into the tunnel. I've been reading and have also been told he may be going back and closing all those doors before finally coming out of this crisis. It seems like he's doing that. Before coming home he had cut off lots of the younger ppl he met during his MLC. He was pulling back on his social media. He reconnected with his friends from years ago--the ones that are closer to his age. Now he seems to have swung back to the behaviors during the beginning of the MLC. I know it can get worse before it gets better. Yikes....Hoping this means he is closing those doors.... I'm holding onto that tiny bit of hope.  He has told me this script that he "tried everything to see if there was an us" in those 3.5 months he was back.  Yep...that's definitely enough time to heal the damage that was done by the EA and running from home.  ::)

Before he came back, I was really very invested in my own life, and just being warm if he initiated contact. I'm trying to get back to that spot. I so wish I had known that prior to him returning home. I'm also so hurt that I simply want to be done. I probably need some time to regroup and lick my proverbial wounds.

He recently asked me if I thought he was "broken."   :o  We had a fine conversation about it, although I don't expect anything to come from it. I sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him. There are so many things I want to say to him. So many thoughts and feelings. I tend to bite my tongue as I know he's not at a place to hear these things. He wants to be "Friends" too but really doesn't act like a friend at all. *sigh* I know this is typical, but it doesn't make it any better.

(*I'm also going to throw in a slight vent here: I own our home which I purchased prior to our marriage. It's in my name bc his credit was so terrible after his divorce that he couldn't get on a mortgage. We never refinanced because... I dunno...why? So, I have this house to take care of, and it kind of makes me angry that he just ran and left that responsibility to me. Just found out last night that I need a new liner for the chimney which is a pretty penny. Sometimes I feel a lot of anger about fixing things around the house when he's just living in his gross little apartment where the super will come fix anything.....end vent*). 

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this: maybe just some words of wisdom and/or support. It's good to know that others here understand MLC. Of course there aren't many ppl in my life that understand it. They all just say he's selfish and I deserve better (both true, although I do know it's more complicated then that).
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 06:48:15 AM by Surviving2019 »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #19 on: October 11, 2019, 06:57:34 AM »
I've merged your two threads. Please stick with one thread until it reaches 150 posts. It relieves a lot of pressure from the Mods to try to track all the various threads...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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