Author Topic: My Story Newbie here: my story  (Read 1257 times)

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 52
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #20 on: October 11, 2019, 07:00:53 AM »
We did hang out a few times this summer (after he had returned home and the kids were in town visiting). It was fine--we were all civil. However, they won't speak to me if their father isn't around. This is not how it was when we all lived together. Example, my oldest step daughter turned 25 this summer. I texted her happy birthday (same as I have for years). No response which is not normal for her. Same with my stepson when he has his birthday on Monday.
I also didn't just lose my husband during this, I've also lost my step kids which is very hard. I love them very much. I would love to repair things with them, which is also hard when I don't even know why they are upset.
[/quot

What would you tell a client who came to your office asking about this situation with their step children?
You can certainly think about that answer in your head, but it may be more beneficial if you post your answer.


I’ve thought a lot about this. My own therapist flippantly told me that many people lose step children and need to simply move on. This isn’t ok with me.

I would probably tell a client that it would be normal to be feeling grief about this loss. I would also probably ask them if they wanted to contact their step children and to think about the pros and cons of that. I think in my case, the cons would be that it would really make my h angry. It may also further alienate the kids from me.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 07:02:34 AM by UrsaMajor »

Offline Finding Joy

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 617
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #21 on: October 11, 2019, 07:22:07 AM »
I agree, it is a great loss.  After pouring years into children and looking at them as family, it would be odd not to grieve them.  Admittedly, I have already begun to prepare my heart for the day one of my children decides to live with their father.  The loss would be overwhelming.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5461
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #22 on: October 12, 2019, 11:04:29 PM »
Surviving, MLC is the gift that just keeps on giving.  I haven't seen two of my four children for five years due to the manipulation of XH. 

The only thing you can do is keep living your best life and hope that one day they will see the truth of it all.  The pain is absolutely horrible.  I can live with XH being gone but why he had to take the children as his possessions, I have no idea.  Jealousy is the only plausible reason.  They are not great parents before BD, maybe the guilt drives them to tell the lies about us which keep the children away.  Mine are about the same age as yours, so many years of their lives I will never get back.
We can't change their reality or what our H's told them, only life experience will do that for them.

((((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 52
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #23 on: October 14, 2019, 05:25:01 AM »
Oh I am so sorry you haven’t seen some of your children. That must be heartbreaking. It is a very hard and unfair thing that we walk through. I continue to hold hope that one day my stepchildren will have an epiphany and contact me. It’s a tiny bit of hope but it’s there. It’s so much more than simply losing a spouse: it’s the loss of a whole family. I think that’s the part many people don’t understand. Just the partner is bad enough but throw in the rest of the family....

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5461
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #24 on: October 14, 2019, 11:11:53 PM »
All part of the journey Surviving, I hope today has been good to you :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 52
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #25 on: October 15, 2019, 05:55:00 AM »
Thank you!

I have been told countless times that since they are not my biological children, u shouldn’t be feeling the loss. Sigh. I really had a good relationship with the oldest and youngest. We lived together for 7 years. I opened my heart to loving them, teenage angst and all.  ;) To be cut out of their lives is so very painful.

I am having a better day. Thanks for asking! Very busy at work which really helps. I find that I do better when I’m busy.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22189
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #26 on: October 15, 2019, 07:45:47 AM »
That's hurtful, Surviving.  Would they tell an adoptive mother the same thing?  Of course not.  :(

You don't just love biological children.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 52
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #27 on: October 15, 2019, 11:13:08 AM »
That's hurtful, Surviving.  Would they tell an adoptive mother the same thing?  Of course not.  :(

You don't just love biological children.

Yes, it's super hurtful. My own therapist told me that they aren't my kids and lots of people lose step-children. Even my H has said very hurtful things like, "they are my kids..." I basically ignore him because he's in crisis so whatever. It's the other people that are hurtful. Friends and family just telling me they aren't my kids so why should I care? Because I opened my heart and life to them.

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1477
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #28 on: October 15, 2019, 11:20:48 AM »
Not sure I care much for your therapist trying to minimize the loss of your step-children because they are not your own children.
It is hard to lose anyone that you invested emotions in and that has been part of your for so long.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 52
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #29 on: October 15, 2019, 01:56:02 PM »
Not sure I care much for your therapist trying to minimize the loss of your step-children because they are not your own children.
It is hard to lose anyone that you invested emotions in and that has been part of your for so long.

Me either. I know she's just wanting me to move on. She's told me for the last year that he's not emotionally available in the way I need him to be. I completely understand that. I also understand that he is capable of being that way because he has been in the past. He's in a crisis. She poo poos the idea of an MLC though and just tells me he's emotionally immature, deeply wounded from his FOO issues and first marriage, and that I need to move on. I think the comment about the kids was also an attempt to get me to move on with my life and stop standing for the relationship.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.