Author Topic: Newbie here: my story  (Read 2323 times)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #30 on: October 15, 2019, 08:11:59 PM »
Therapists who want you to move on make me angry!! Some of their own stuff must be coming up for them to suggest such a thing.

I had a therapist who was like this and I ditched her fast.  it's best to find someone who is pro marriage but who will also listen without telling you what your life would look like if you did what they say - how the he!! would they know what any person's life looks like, they are not them and unless they are psychic, lives can take many directions.  We need support for what we think is best, not disapproval for hanging onto what we believe is best for us.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #31 on: October 16, 2019, 06:46:05 AM »
100% agree.


Online Disillusioned

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #32 on: October 16, 2019, 07:25:58 AM »
My stated purpose, to my IC, was to stay married.

She has challenged me, my perceptions, my beliefs, my fears.  We have argued.  I've called her out on things as well.  LOL  She has supported my stand, she has supported my desire to quit.  Recently, after W filed for D without telling me, my IC said "Are you still married?"  My response was "Yes."  She said "Then start acting like it.  You took your ring off over a year ago.  Put it back on.  You need to forget the past and get on with the present.  If you want this marriage, and you think she's having an MLC (IC is NOT not a HUGE believer... :)) then that means you are the only sane one.  That means you are the only one that can save it, if anyone can.  Address the fact that she filed 4 months ago by lying to you and not telling you.  Get it out in the open.  Let her know how you feel."

Admittedly, this goes somewhat contrary to the advice on HS.  And that's happened frequently.  But, it galvanized me to stop being a passive observer in this MLC mess.  The D was filed 161 days ago, and nothing further has happened legally.  Me and W are speaking more, and she recently said she had hope we could co-parent effectively, where before, there was none.  I wear my ring all the time.  I've been supported and vilified for that decision, but I'm fine with it.  Due to D9's soccer, we see each other 3 times a week, and frequently, although not always, sit next to each other and chat.  Last year, that never happened.  She knows I'm wearing the ring, but whether it makes her curious, angry, or she just doesn't care, I wouldn't know:  she hasn't addressed it.

You don't need to stay with a therapist that doesn't support you.  My first therapist, a male, advised divorce after our second session.  Maybe he was right, but it didn't suit me at the time.  So, I left.

If I do divorce, it will be done with no regret, no anger, and no resentment.  I will have given myself TIME, and I will know I did everything I could for me, my W and my D.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
!2/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #33 on: October 16, 2019, 08:25:46 AM »
S19 - I am here and attaching.

As for a therapist....I got lucky.  Mine told me the marriage is gone.  Let it go.  I mis-interpretted her and told her I wasn't quitting on my marriage and I didn't want to talk about quitting anymore.

She then told me she wasn't say divorce or date or quit or anything like that.  She just wanted me off the subject of marriage because right now there is not one to work on.  OK  Duh.  I do many times need the 2 x 4 between the eyes.  I am not good at gey...I like black and white.  She gave it to me from then on.

She wanted and got me to concentrate on me and me alone.  She wanted me to heal.  She pushed my buttons.  I left there so angry many days and with a homework assignment.  Over the week or two in between sessions...I thought and thought a lot.  I did the work and had to go back and tell her she was right about me.  She would say ok...good job...give me a hug and push some more buttons.

She did her job.  She make me look inside me then look around me.  She got me started on the healing track and I am the one who needs to keep it going.  Come to think about it...I need to send her a TY card and an update on me.  I did it last year at BD...time to do it again.  She deserves to know I am one of her sucesses.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #34 on: October 16, 2019, 08:43:36 AM »
You will know if you have found an IC who gets you. Who gets the balance right between validating how you feel as ok AND challenging your thoughts about what you DO. Without validation, we don't feel safe enough to be honest about the messy stuff. Without challenge, we don't stretch and explore and do the hard work to grow as Sam and others say. If your IC doesn't feel right, leave and find another.

Jmo but there is nothing shameful or wrong in how you feel about your step kids. You may not be able to change how things are right now, or do much with the feeling, but it is ok to feel how you feel.

And jmo too...I HATE that phrase 'move on'...I find 'move forward' feels kinder and more useful.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 08:47:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #35 on: November 04, 2019, 09:13:35 AM »
Having a bit of a down day today. I just got back from visiting my sister, BIL and my nephews. It felt good to be in a house filled with love and laughter. Really missing that today. Good news is I got a happy greeting from my dog (who generally isn't very demonstrative) when I got home this morning.

I've been thinking a lot about my life right now. It's ok. I have a really good career and know that I make a difference there. It's fulfilling. I do miss my h and step kids a lot though. That fulfilling part of my life seems to be on hold and that's not a great feeling for me. I'm sure being around my sis and her family is what has brought this all up.  I really think, in general, I'm doing well on focusing on my and living my life--just a bit sad today.

I've also been reflecting back over the last few years. Hindsight is 20/20, but I think my h started his MLC much earlier then BD, probably a year, maybe a little more. That would put him at the 3 year mark. I felt very disconnected from him for a while before BD. I'm actually pretty sure if I hadn't asked him what was going on, he would still be here and I would still be feeling disconnected and frustrated not knowing what was going on. He'd be pretending everything was ok, because that's 100% what he did. Not as if this information really changes anything at all. It's simply an observation....hopefully he finishes cooking soon because those 4 months of him being "back" were so great.


Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #36 on: November 04, 2019, 02:06:13 PM »
Following along as well Surviving and I am so sorry that you are in the same boat as the rest of us. It really is so incredibly painful. My husband also asked me if I thought he was "broken". I was really very surprised at the question as he seemed determined , in charge of his life and seemed to know exactly what he wanted, which was not our marriage. I told him that I thought something was a little bit "broken" and to talk to me about what was happening. This was before I understood MLC and I had NO idea what was happening. He monstered about the fact I told him something was broken...for months even though he asked and used the word "broken" in his question. He swore for months that I "kept calling him broken ".

I also had him tell me that my step-daughter was "uncomfortable " around me or to come home . I remember the blood draining into my feet in shock. How was it everyone around me was betraying me ??. My step-daughter has been with me since she was not even two years old. I am her mother and I adore her beyond words. We are tight  and always have been .  I took her to the park and asked her . She had no idea about the situation with my husband ...so I told her. He wanted to leave, not happy blah blah , all the usual. This girl denied EVER having such feelings or ever telling her father any such thing . She said " I would never leave you if I was on fire ". He lied in such an excruciating fashion. I love my step-daughter ...she is mine. Do not believe 99% of what they say . Maybe try to talk with them and put those very valuable relationships in good standing. I am sorry this is happening to you .
« Last Edit: November 04, 2019, 02:07:29 PM by barbiedoll »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #37 on: November 04, 2019, 02:30:01 PM »
I know I may be along a bit late but, as a outsider I would contact the step kids. My “dad” isn’t biologically mine and if he suddenly stopped communicating with me. I would be hurt. I understand you have tried but it seems to me like he may have interfered and said something. Your not his girlfriend that he’s only known a few months. Your his wife. And you will mean a lot to them. JMO
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #38 on: November 04, 2019, 04:57:52 PM »

I also had him tell me that my step-daughter was "uncomfortable " around me or to come home . I remember the blood draining into my feet in shock. How was it everyone around me was betraying me ??. My step-daughter has been with me since she was not even two years old. I am her mother and I adore her beyond words. We are tight  and always have been .  I took her to the park and asked her . She had no idea about the situation with my husband ...so I told her. He wanted to leave, not happy blah blah , all the usual. This girl denied EVER having such feelings or ever telling her father any such thing . She said " I would never leave you if I was on fire ". He lied in such an excruciating fashion. I love my step-daughter ...she is mine. Do not believe 99% of what they say . Maybe try to talk with them and put those very valuable relationships in good standing. I am sorry this is happening to you .

Oh thank you so much for sharing! It's nice to know I'm not alone with the stepchildren thing. I do think the oldest and youngest are angry with me as we were always close and they won't speak to me.  It's so very painful. All I can think is that they are mad I kicked him out but honestly...,he didn't want to give up his EA and I wasn't in the place to be able to deal with that emotionally. I so want to talk to them. It's also a fine line. I guess I could broach it with the "I know your dad told you about the affair..." or something like that. It's hard because I want to believe him when he tells me he told them. I actually do believe he did, but I still don't know why they are so angry with me. :-(

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #39 on: November 05, 2019, 03:20:18 AM »
Oh thank you so much for sharing! It's nice to know I'm not alone with the stepchildren thing. I do think the oldest and youngest are angry with me as we were always close and they won't speak to me.  It's so very painful. All I can think is that they are mad I kicked him out but honestly...,he didn't want to give up his EA and I wasn't in the place to be able to deal with that emotionally. I so want to talk to them. It's also a fine line. I guess I could broach it with the "I know your dad told you about the affair..." or something like that. It's hard because I want to believe him when he tells me he told them. I actually do believe he did, but I still don't know why they are so angry with me. :-(

If I had to take a SWAG and put on my Mind-Reading hat, I would suggest that it may be due to the fact that they have already lost one mother (if they are your step-kids) and now, they are loosing a second one. They possibly feel like that loss is your fault since you kicked H out. Whether or not H has said anything about the affair is a different matter. If he has told them, I am sure that he has spun a lovely tale of why he had to do it in order to validate and justify his actions.Your approach to the conversation COULD be a good one but, if he hasn't told them (and why should he? Right now, he has them where he wants them, spun up and angry at you), they may be totally shocked.. .  The answer that you get back may surprise you (that he either hasn't told them or given some other cockamamy justification that doesn't reflect reality). He might even turn the table of his misdeeds and project them as something YOU did to HIM..
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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