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Author Topic: My Story Newbie here: my story

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My Story Re: Newbie here: my story
#40: November 05, 2019, 06:39:02 AM
Ursa:
Yes, that's my fear which is why I actually haven't done anything. I'm pretty sure they are pissed that I kicked him out. I get paralyzed by the fear: do I reach out to them? Do I not reach out to them? I feel like if I do, I'd like to make it about our relationships and not their dad. That I love and care about what happens to them. That I hope they are doing well. Etc etc. 

Their dad is so in the tunnel right now. He recently update me on my MIL (who is really ill) and then said "I told my kids that grandma might not make it until Christmas."  That was hard to bite my tongue. Yep, they are biologically his children. Doesn't make my feelings for them any less.  :'(
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Re: Newbie here: my story
#41: November 05, 2019, 07:24:52 AM
The thing is that you do not know WHAT he told them about the EA or even IF he told them.  Mid-Lifers are heavily invested in NOT being the "bad guy"so they tell stories (OK, let's be blunt, they lie) in order to not have to accept blame for their actions.

Since the "kids" are really all adults though, it is difficult to establish a relationship if they do not want one...
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

S
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Re: Newbie here: my story
#42: November 05, 2019, 08:09:46 AM
Boy are you right on the inability to accept responsibility and lying to be the "good guy." It boggles my mind how MCLers really can't take responsibility when they are in the throes of the crisis. I remember at the beginning trying to make my h see how utterly irresponsible he was being. Of course everyone that reads this will know what happened...he monstered which was quite honestly the only time I saw that in all the years we have known each other. I remember being so upset at that and saying "I don't know why you are being mean and nasty. Your actions have caused this."  HA HA HA. It just fell on deaf ears. I've learned to just zip it because he's not ready to hear things like that.
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S
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Re: Newbie here: my story
#43: November 05, 2019, 05:58:48 PM
Yes Surviving, you can't tell them anything, especially difficult to get them to see the error of their ways because they are totally convinced they are right about what they are doing.

Sorry about the monster session.

If you want to engage with your step children, send a short text saying you are thinking of them.  It's up to them to respond.  It's a start just to make some contact.  Many of us here have children we miss :'(
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Newbie here: my story
#44: November 05, 2019, 07:34:36 PM
Surviving,

  I consider myself to still be somewhat new, but when I discovered this site, i posted a little and then more... the people here have been wonderful and they truly can help, support and give you the virtual hugs that you will need. I have found a safety in being able to share my wins, frustrations, fears, anger and hurts here.....people here care and no one in my real world has ever experienced anyone in MLC so being able to come to a place where people both care and get it means a lot..



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Caroline

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Re: Newbie here: my story
#45: November 05, 2019, 08:33:18 PM
Quote
If he has told them, I am sure that he has spun a lovely tale of why he had to do it in order to validate and justify his actions.Your approach to the conversation COULD be a good one but, if he hasn't told them (and why should he? Right now, he has them where he wants them, spun up and angry at you), they may be totally shocked.. .  The answer that you get back may surprise you (that he either hasn't told them or given some other cockamamy justification that doesn't reflect reality). He might even turn the table of his misdeeds and project them as something YOU did to HIM..
.

Yes...I would be very surprised if he told them and even more surprised if he took responsibility for it . Skip the middle man all together and talk directly with your step-children. It just might solve some of the issues.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Re: Newbie here: my story
#46: November 07, 2019, 11:12:05 AM
Well, when it rains it pours....

My h has a female woodworker in his shop for the next 2 days filming content and then there is a workshop on Saturday. He told me about this a few weeks ago. This is how his EA started. He was "collaborating" with a female woodworker 3 years ago which turned into an EA. As you can imagine, I'm super triggered by this. I haven't done or said anything. For all I know, this is literally just a business relationship. I know for a fact that he has business relationships with other female woodworkers that are nothing more than that.

We had that false return a few months ago. I feel like he's back into replay or depression, or both. Who knows? Anyway, I'm just posting here because I know you will all understand. I'm heading out of town tomorrow because I knew this was coming up and I know I will do better if I'm hanging out with friends and distracted.  I didn't realize she was going to be here today though: I mistakenly thought it was just Friday and Saturday. That's it...just triggered. One step forward, two steps back.
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« Last Edit: November 07, 2019, 11:30:04 AM by Surviving2019 »

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Re: Newbie here: my story
#47: November 08, 2019, 12:34:54 AM
You really can't do anything about his actions but you can step away and allow the crisis to unfold the way it should.  The less you think about potential ow's, the better.  It's a trigger but he may not be thin king about anything but being professional in this instance. We get used to expecting the worst but it doesn't always happen.
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Newbie here: my story
#48: November 08, 2019, 02:02:36 AM
Ah yes.. The good old "Coming up with all kinds of doomsday scenarios and expecting the worst before it happens"... also known as ....



Monkey-braining!

Yes, it may actually come to pass that he goes tripping down the Replay Path but it is not a guarantee. Either way, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about his choices... You DO have a choice about YOUR reactions to his shenanigans and, it looks like you are already taking some steps to do so...
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« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 02:04:12 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

S
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  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 66
  • Gender: Female
Re: Newbie here: my story
#49: November 08, 2019, 05:42:56 AM
Ah yes.. The good old "Coming up with all kinds of doomsday scenarios and expecting the worst before it happens"... also known as ....



Monkey-braining!

Yes, it may actually come to pass that he goes tripping down the Replay Path but it is not a guarantee. Either way, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about his choices... You DO have a choice about YOUR reactions to his shenanigans and, it looks like you are already taking some steps to do so...

 ;D I love the graphic. I'm going to envision that the next time I start looking at worse case scenarios! It gave me a good laugh to see it and I think it will be very helpful.

Yep, I'm doing my best to manage my reactions. Of course a small part of me wants to go to his apartment and let him have it. Then I want to go to the shop during the workshop and tell all the participants about his craziness.  Then who look crazy?! ME! ha ha ha ha! I know that I can't do anything about it. I know all of those things would make it worse. I've gotten pretty good over the last 2 years at managing my reactions when he does ridiculous things.  I'm proud of myself for that growth.  If only my brain would get on board with my actions. :-)

I'm actually in an affair recovery group and many of the women were talking about how unfair it all is (yes absolutely it is). Then they shared all these things they have done to "get back" at their husbands. They asked me what I'd done and I was like....nothing really (apart from screaming at him when I discovered OW, and then calling him and telling him how disappointed I was in his actions a few months later). I've had tons of opportunities to tell his family, friends, throw his crap on the lawn, smear his and her name in the industry, tell his kids, blast him in our community which is small and which he is pretty well respected, etc etc. I just don't do it. It won't help.  I would also be lying if I said I haven't considered these things. I have. But I can only control myself and my actions. I just need to get a bit better at detaching so my brain doesn't really care what he's doing. I was there before he came back, so I have confidence that I can get back to that place with a little more time.  This trip to Portland will help me tremendously.

If I think rationally, I doubt he has any clue this is triggering for me. He knows the former OW is triggering for me. He knows the state she lives in is triggering for me. He knows the tool company that she represents is triggering for me. That's about it. And how I handle triggers is absolutely my responsibility as sucky as that is.

Thanks for the support Ursa and Savor Faire!
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