Author Topic: My Story Newbie here: my story  (Read 1566 times)

Offline Savoir Faire

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My Story Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #50 on: November 08, 2019, 10:07:43 PM »
Your affair recovery group sounds like a bunch of smiling assassins!!

Talking about what happened helps at the beginning but after a while it's just best to deal with this yourself.  I am a firm believer that going over and over this again and again just makes it worse.  Living your best life and getting on with it is definitely the best option.

I try to keep my story simple these days and just report positive stuff which happens in my life.  The main reason for staying is to help others rather than rehash all my stuff which just keeps me in a bad place and I no longer want or need that amount of negativity.

Revenge is a terrible idea and I am glad you took the high road.  I feel for those who do stupid things, they will feel foolish about it one day and it makes them look really bad.  Maybe a book club would be better ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline sachat3

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #51 on: November 09, 2019, 04:02:50 AM »
Ahhh revenge. I did that myself. I did some awful things. I attacked Clingtons cat with a child’s spade. Didn’t damage the car. Which in hindsight is a blessing. I messaged Ow calling her vile names. I phoned her at her work. I’ve even sent her pictures and screenshots of Clington being unfaithful. Do I regret it now. Yes I guess I do. But I also think that made her dig her claws in even more. But I also own it as part of my journey. Gave me something to build on.

I get asked so often “would you take him back” I answer honestly and tell them I don’t know and the answer I receive back is almost always the same “well you need to firetruck somebody else. Show him you can get it too”. I undsertand the notion of “to get over one get under another” may work for some. But not for me. I wouldn’t want to use somebody else like that.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #52 on: November 09, 2019, 03:50:21 PM »
Revenge sounds nice in theory.....and I have done it once to someone.....a long time ago.
But I now will take the more biblical “heap burning coals upon their head”, which is what shame feels like anyway.....like your face is on fire.

Not to mention.....if revenge is what I take often that’s the only satisfaction you get.....

And at the end of the day I still have to live with me.

On a lighter note....that revenge (15 years ago) was creative, brilliant and funny.....I may have put BB pellets in the air caps of all 4 tires.....and took all cups, spoons and bowls (enjoy eating your cereal off a plate with a fork), annnnnnnd unscrewed every lightbulb just enough that the lights wouldn’t work.......and then maybe taken a seam ripper to every third seam in his favorite pair of pants so when he put them on they came apart at the seams.

For like 2 months afterwards I would get asked.......”what else did you do?”

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

It seems petty but it was satisfying.....what was he going to do? Call the cops and tell them I loosened lightbulbs? 🤣🤣🤣

I have grown as a person though..........I have better ideas now😉

Just kidding.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #53 on: November 10, 2019, 07:20:47 PM »
Wow! Oregon is beautiful. Spent much of the day hiking with my brother. I’m packing to head home now. I’m feeling a bit down. Going home to an empty house...that kind of sucks. I know that by Tuesday or Wednesday, I’ll be back in the swing of things and feeling pretty good. But the sadness about heading home: *sigh* another unwanted part of being an LBS.  :'(

Can’t o just shake my H and tell him to come home?!  ;) ;D  ::) (totally kidding).


Offline Schratz66

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #54 on: November 13, 2019, 06:25:05 AM »
Surviving - I so wish we could shake each other's husbands and shake some sense into them....
Coming home to an empty home is the hard...I just came home from visiting my D and the emptiness is just there.

Just like you I never even considered revenge, because I love that man and really have no ill intentions. The only thing I wanted him to experience is the type of pain that he caused me, which is why I hoped the OW would break his heart, but that doesn't seem to pan out either - as usual he will be the leaver.
The OW - I try not to think about because while she was the pursuer, she was not the one married to me.

You do sound really good though
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #55 on: November 14, 2019, 11:16:29 AM »
Quick update. I got home from Portland Monday. Our dog had a vet appointment for a suspicious lump which was being biopsied. I contacted H and thanked him for watching the dog and also to just let him know that I was having the lump biopsied (It's benign thankfully).  I received a snarky test back from H stating, "No need to thank me for watching the dog. She's an easy keeper."  Some may say I'm reading into a text message, however I know my H and typically he will respond "yep" or "no problem."  I didn't respond to that message at all. This was Monday. It's a boundary I'm putting up: he wouldn't say that to anyone else. He wouldn't treat others that way. I'm not ok with being treated that way so no response is for me, the natural consequence of sending me that message.

Yesterday it snowed here. He sent me a text messages warning me about road conditions, accidents, and delays.  I didn't respond  because I was at work. He sent me a second one two hours later. Neither of which I responded to. I've been reading a number of posts from others that seem to have similar interactions with their MLCers: close, then withdraw, then close, then withdraw. This has been the pattern since he left the second time 10 weeks ago. I haven't responded and don't really intend to.  It's odd because I do want him to come home. I struggle with knowing the balance on leaving the door open, while also respecting myself. Thoughts?

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #56 on: November 15, 2019, 11:32:03 AM »
Surviving - I am not saying you read into the text message about the dog, because only you know your H, but I know I have read emotions into something that wasn't there.
I am so very glad that the biopsy came back as benign.
If you do not feel like responding to his messages, then don't. I believe it's all about what you are comfortable with and what your gut says.
In my case I always responded to any message because throughout this whole crisis he always responded to any and all of my messages, but like i said I think it's whatever you feel is right for you.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Surviving2019Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #57 on: November 16, 2019, 07:45:08 AM »
Schratz66-
I actually ended up thanking him. Also, strangely enough, a tool company delivered a package here Thursday night. That hasn't happened in over a year. So I contacted him and arranged a time to drop it off. He was very odd: a little snarky when talking to me, and also as if he didn't want me to leave. He kept showing me things in his shop (ie. the result of that workshop in which that woman was here). He was very excited about it--almost like a teenager, looking for validation on his projects. I told him the finished product looked good, and I was glad he learned a new skill.  Every time I tried to leave he would start talking about something else. I purposely arranged the drop off time knowing I had a meeting I had to attend so there was a specific time I had to leave. I let him know that, and again, he tried to keep me there because I still had some time before I needed to leave. Thankfully, a customer showed up after about 15 minutes so I was able to leave at that point.

I then received a text message from him an hour later letting me know he finally figured out how to get a nativity project mapped on his CNC machine. It's a gift I've been wanting to make for my mother for over 5 years. I bought the plans 5 years ago and he was going to help me with it. He then decided it would be "easier" if he could figure out a way to let the CNC cut it so I didn't have to jigsaw it. He never really seemed to have the time to actually map it for the CNC though. I'm to a point where I simply want it done and I have absolutely no problems doing the manual labor on it. Talk about weirdness. He's invited me to work at his shop "anytime."  I don't really need his help with the project, but I do need to borrow the jigsaw....it's all very odd.

Also, and I know this is very typical: he looks terrible. Like he hasn't been sleeping. It's sad and funny at the same time because he has such a large social media presence for his business and always puts on the mask of being super happy for his followers. When that mask is down--boy does he look sad, tired, and just plain old. It's in stark contrast to how I've been. I'm eating, sleeping and exercising. Recently several people have told me that I'm looking healthy and happy. The strange journey of MLC right.  :o

This will probably change for me, but right now I'm feeling pretty ok. It feels liberating to be back in that head and heart space. I was there for about 16 months after he left the first time, and then had that setback when he left again this August. I'm thankful that I feel I'm getting back to that place.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #58 on: December 04, 2019, 05:29:11 PM »
The reason he contacts you with nice stuff after the horrible is guilt.  He knows he's being horrible but feels he can't help the behavior and feels guilty.

He still feels nothing for you and will continue on that path until the crisis is over, the only reason he is ever nice is due to guilt for what he is doing to you and he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy.  He also needs to be able to tell others he is being nice to you and what he's done.  His feelings for you are gone until the crisis ends.

A really good reason to focus on you and  keep away from the man who is no longer the same version of himself.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Newbie here: my story
« Reply #59 on: December 05, 2019, 03:36:05 AM »
The reason he contacts you with nice stuff after the horrible is guilt.  He knows he's being horrible but feels he can't help the behavior and feels guilty.

OR he's after something - manipulative "niceness." They can all be sweet as honey when they need something from us....

Until we say "No." ...

and then the fight started...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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