Author Topic: My Story The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘  (Read 889 times)

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« on: October 02, 2019, 12:51:09 PM »
Me 36
H 36
S14
EA?PA? Discovered 05/31/19
BD 05/31/19
Clinging Boomerang? Wallower? 🤷‍♀️ Time will tell.

🎉Me and H are BOTH chaos kids!!!! Hurray! 2 for the price of one MLC.🎉

Our family includes a large Elephant named “FOO Issues”
The elephant has begun to outgrow the home, H is determined to ignore it, I’ve noticed the plaster is cracking and the walls aren’t looking quite so sturdy.  H says don’t worry, it will be fine....🤦‍♀️

Can someone link my previous thread? Thank you! 😘

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11034.0
« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 01:11:44 PM by Thunder »
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2019, 12:53:24 PM »
Great title! Following along.... :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2019, 01:00:20 PM »
Does this story reflect your elephant story Coursge?  It does mine a little I think.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-QtOWpV8d_0

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2019, 01:16:31 PM »
I think your previous thread was locked while I was trying to reply to it so I'll post my response here.

Courage,

What you're doing would work for most people. Your inner child consists of all of the things you learned when you were little. Working with your inner child is a lot like working with an actual child. Children tend to believe what you tell them, which is an application of the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Tell a child he's a bad boy often enough and he'll believe it. Tell him he's a smart boy often enough and that's what he'll believe. But when the child develops the belief that he's a bad boy as a result of being traumatized, telling the child that he's a good boy isn't going to work because the belief that he's a bad boy is too deeply held. The trauma has to be processed before the belief can be changed.

You shouldn't feel badly about the fact that the messages you're telling yourself aren't sinking in. The beliefs that Little Courage holds have very deep roots, even if she wasn't traumatized. Your therapist should be able to help you get in touch with Little Courage so that you can help Little Courage learn new and more accurate beliefs about herself.

I have learned that when I experience thoughts that don't seem like me, what's happening is that I'm hearing from one of my parts. Each of my parts has its own characteristics so I'm starting to be able to tell which part I'm hearing from. Thoughts coming from my toddler part are very different from thoughts coming from my 6 year old female part.

The same is true of your inner child. When you know something but you feel something different, you're probably hearing from your inner child. For example, Courage knows that love isn't earned but Little Courage was taught that love and respect have to be earned. Little Courage heard that message over and over again for a long time and not only heard it but had it demonstrated. It's going to take a lot of work to convince Little Courage that love and respect don't have to be earned. She's going to be pretty skeptical.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2019, 01:48:04 PM »
Treasur,
Welcome to my new thread, make yourself cozy.

Nerissa,

I’m not sure why he’s calling our elephant a dragon in that book. But yes....that’s exactly like our pet elephant. I am delighted you shared that.

MBIB,

This oddly makes an enormous amount of sense to me. And yes, the majority of what little courage learned was through trauma, and I do notice that the part of me that has those beliefs if I write them out they are significantly more juvenile in language than me. Perhaps I have parts too.
I know there are things that I experienced like a month of solitary confinement that I have no access too or memories of...but I know it happened and my siblings confirm it.

I do think I’ll continue the practice of talking to little courage...it helps me to grieve some things, it softens me, when I verbalize those things sometimes I realize it’s the first time I have ever heard someone talk to me that way.

I know there’s lots to heal. I have soul wounds.
I distinctly remember my mother saying that I was stubborn and you had to break a child’s spirit to break the stubbornness......now it occurs to me that little courage in some ways has always refused to have her spirit completely broken.

A little bent perhaps, but not broken. 😊
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2019, 02:39:48 PM »
I do think I’ll continue the practice of talking to little courage...it helps me to grieve some things, it softens me, when I verbalize those things sometimes I realize it’s the first time I have ever heard someone talk to me that way.

I think this is a great idea! I suspect Little Courage will appreciate it. It's good that you can say those things to her. Little MBIB never heard those things either and I couldn't say them to him because I didn't like him very much. I'm better now but I'm afraid that I still may like Little Girl MBIB better than I like Little Boy MBIB. (The first clue that I might have a dissociative disorder came when we were doing inner child work and I discovered that my inner child has a twin sister. It was a bit of a shock.)

I distinctly remember my mother saying that I was stubborn and you had to break a child’s spirit to break the stubbornness......now it occurs to me that little courage in some ways has always refused to have her spirit completely broken.


That's awful! Consider me horrified! I'm happy to hear that your mother wasn't successful.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2019, 03:49:42 AM »
I finally figured out what I’m mad about.
I’m pissed that H gets his half of the marriage....and maybe more since I’ve been working on things....and I get nothing. No conversation, no solutions, not even the satisfaction of a good fight to air things out, no affection, no sex, heck I even sleep by myself, and yet....based on our current schedule he has arranged our lives in a way that the only thing on his to do list is eat, sh!t, sleep and work.

Meanwhile......I get to work full time, be a single parent, do all the shopping and cleaning and cooking and transportation.....which I would do anyway if he weren’t here.....but then at least I wouldn’t have the expectation of anything else.

So is the expectation wrong. I mean currently I can’t count on him for anything....so I lower my expectations based on what’s happening now....or do I say....no, this is the expectation for a husband...and as long as you are one...this is what I’m expecting from you.

I miss the old H, he was cuddly and affectionate, he called me his bride for 11 years, he was excited to do stuff together. He was attentive and kind. He was flirty, and made me feel attractive and wanted. He was goofy and silly, we would put on music and dance around the house, he loved family time.

There is a huge void of affection in my life. I feel more lonely than I’ve ever felt before. No I don’t want to talk to the people I interact with about it. They want to throw out internet quotes and judgements.

That’s not the same thing, as understanding, gentleness, consideration, and thoughtful balanced responses......our society as a whole is entirely unequipped to talk about tough things. We never really learn to sit with heartbreak....and to learn what it has to teach us.

We just try to fill the void with various other things that aren’t quite the same instead of heal the wounds. Every morsel of advice in my regular world seem trite and shallow and flippant.
So I don’t really want to talk about it with any of these people.
I’m not lonely.....I am alone.
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2019, 08:20:02 AM »
Caroline-I think you just hit the nail on the head.  They get the freedom from responsibility and obligations.  We get an overload of it. 

My husband has an ow and moved out.  His only responsibility is to work and see ow.  He is not lonely, he has someone.  Where as I am faithful to the marriage(read lonely), with all of the worries and responsibility piled high on my shoulders.  To me it feels like you have to be a saint to take them back after this, or at least selfless.  I’m currently neither so I have some major work to do;)
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2019, 08:40:55 AM »
Joy,

I also think....if it were a regular everyday divorce.....there would be no “coddling”, we would expect them to pull their weight with the chore and kids and scheduling and everything.

This is just a complete checkout in every area of life....without physically checking out.

Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2019, 10:04:19 AM »
Yes, mine absolutely does not pull his weight.  He has not in three years.  The first two years were I guess phase 1 and 2 of his MLC.  Now we are a year into phase 3.  His kids are becoming more and more done with him.  It’s all so selfish and I do get they are struggling, still selfishness is a choice.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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