Author Topic: My Story The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘  (Read 886 times)

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 233
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2019, 02:32:45 AM »
I was so absolutely furious with rage for the past 48 hours. Just building and building.
I need talk and physical affection, the 2 things that H doesn’t do at all if he’s stressed. When I finally discovered that I was angry...and why I was angry...I wasn’t even furious....just more like “oh! That makes sense....of course that’s the source of my anger.”

Remember that H is constantly asking about my counseling, I mentioned in passing while talking about the counseling session that I finally figured out why I was mad at him.
My plan had been to talk about it and then hand him off all the chores that I was doing for him.

Nope.

That has led to 2 straight days of me being totally avoided, no contact, complete shutout and him moving to the downstairs bedroom.

Though my counseling session was 50 minutes of picking apart the “not wanted/not good enough” shame message and 5 minutes of discussing my anger and what I want to do about it.....he has decided that I’m enraged at him and that he must sequester himself to the safety of the downstairs bedroom and cut all lines of communication. Nothing I say can convince him otherwise. 🤷‍♀️

Excellent, I was mildly angry earlier....but let’s trigger our abandonment wounds as well so this can really be a party.
🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

By the end of 48 hours I was so mad I could have rationalized driving my car through the house quite easily.
I was so mad, I didn’t notice he cleaned the room, or sorted the laundry. His love language is apparently acts of service....I didn’t know....apparently he knew that....and didn’t mention it.

At 4 am this morning I woke up, and it occurred to me that he WAS trying to show me love...I just didn’t see it through my hurt.

I went down and apologized, we talked about it, and hugged. I said that when I focused on my hurt I often hurt him unintentionally and I’m sorry I did that. (The Same applies to him)
After a nice 30 minute conversation H decided things were going a little too well....so he proceeded to pick apart a sentence...and lecture me for it.....I left.
Oh well I suppose it was nice while it lasted. All 30 minutes of it. 🤷‍♀️

2 steps forward, one step back.

If I had endless money I would be doing IC twice a week right now.

Anywho.....on to the important stuff s14.....is S15 today!🎉  So we will be celebrating that.
Oh and did I mention my mortgage got approved! 🎉 I can now officially start looking for a house!

Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 233
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #11 on: October 04, 2019, 08:22:28 AM »
The only thing H knows for certain is that he wants this fancy pants promotion. It’s the thing H has been chasing for years. It’s supposed to happen in Jan.

I don’t know if that’s what I actually want. So many hours, days, holidays, anniversaries and funerals and family time has been sacrificed on the alter of chasing the next title, the next pay raise, the ephemeral better schedule.

I’m just not sure it’s the life I want. I want real, honest, integrity, I want what I do to matter. I don’t want to be a stepford show wife, who’s job is too keep up appearances and make other men jealous.
In an industry where the motto seems to be “out with the old in with the new”, that also translates to wives as well.

Maybe that’s the basic underlying problem in all of this...maybe H just wants a superficial life....that’s fine...he can pursue whatever sort of life he wants.  Superficial feels like suffocating to me.  I can’t do it well, I never could.  It always made me too much. To passionate about a topic, to open, to honest, not guarded enough, not fitting in.
If there’s a place that is painful for you to fit into....perhaps you are not meant to fit there.

I don’t care about money, no matter how much you have it’s never enough, and someone else always has more.  I don’t care about titles, if that’s all you want that will be all you get.

Now it makes me wonder, if he gets this job, and we are together can I still be me in that world. How much of me will it demand. How much will I have to contort to fit into that world....and is that what I want anymore?

Can I be me? Or is that just another thing to be sacrificed on the alter of the “next big thing.”

Yes, I said this aloud in my musings in front of H. To be honest...his reply shocked me. H said you didn’t sacrifice for the job....you sacrificed for me, for our family.

I don’t have any answers. I’m not really willing to sacrifice being me anymore.
I’m done trying to change enough to be appropriate, I’m done trying to be someone else’s version of a fillintheblanks wife, I’m done feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, or awkward all the time.

Will I be any less if H chooses a job over me....no.

Maybe it’s one of the things that matters, maybe it isn’t. I don’t know yet. The question just lingers out there in the void. 
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 233
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2019, 07:24:29 PM »
Uhmmmmmm okay......

So tonight H  called to talk about a dinner I went out to with my family. I was talking about being myself or more myself than usual....the part I typically try to tamp down....and how my family was a bit shocked....not unpleasant more amused.

H said he noticed I was different but he wanted to know why. I explained I was tired of trying to fit in, I was just going to be me, how people felt about it was their feelings and not my problem. H asked if I was worried what people would think?

I reminded him of a couple we know....wife is an absolute firecrackers husband would blend in with wall paper. But you remember them because of her and you think more of him if he’s man enough for to be interested in him.

Then I talked about this couple we met at Trivia Night (we tried trivia for the first time) this couple was hardcore excited about trivia, they were so passionate about it it was infectious and you enjoyed just watching them enjoy themselves....it was just pure happiness and you couldn’t help but feel the joy.

I said I was going to be myself as well, if people thought I was to passionate about the things I care about they were free to walk away. But as I’m not rude offensive or inappropriate....I was going to happily talk about books I read, black holes, heart pumps, and things that capture my interest.

H said he had to go.

Called back 10 minutes later and said....”do you think it’s possible I’ve been just putting all my anxiety on you? And correctly you because I’m anxious? Because I give you a lecture after every time we go to a company function about how you got to excited about something you were taking about or how you weren’t perfect enough.”

Me: 😳😳😳
“Uhm Yes.
The book calls it outer critic, if you turn off outer critic inner critic is going to get really loud.
But I do it too....that’s one of the areas I am working on myself”

I told him the book said it was because critic (inner and outer) had so many impossible rules that were set by bad parenting telling us that we had to be perfect to be loved....it shamed us for everything....more shame than a person could take...so we try and offload some of that shame on other people....when what we have to learn to do....is fight the critic and tell him he’s wrong.

You could have knocked me over with a feather....

Oh and speaking of a bit of healthy shaming,we got some heavenly 2x4’s last night, my fortune cookie said  “Do not be overly judgmental of your loved one’s intentions or actions.”


Don’t worry God didn’t leave out H either, his fortune cookie said “Don’t mistake temptation for opportunity.”

🤣😂🤣😂

Message received.



« Last Edit: October 05, 2019, 07:59:31 PM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6593
  • Gender: Male
Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2019, 09:05:39 PM »
I'm glad you're starting to feel comfortable about being yourself regardless of what other people think. You sound like a very interesting person and I suspect that's also what other people will think.

Offline AlvinTheMaker

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 347
  • Gender: Male
Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2019, 05:28:24 AM »
I told him the book said it was because critic (inner and outer) had so many impossible rules that were set by bad parenting telling us that we had to be perfect to be loved....it shamed us for everything....more shame than a person could take...so we try and offload some of that shame on other people....when what we have to learn to do....is fight the critic and tell him he’s wrong.

You could have knocked me over with a feather....


I've been reading the Freudian theory (id, superego, ego) and then mixing it to REBT (challenging my beliefs = challenging my superego)... And now you writing about inner/outer critic and challenging (fighting) it...   IMHO all are the same. How to challenge your "perspective", how to reframe the situation in way that you get a healthy negative reaction instead of unhealthy negative reaction (worry instead of anxiety etc)...  Kind of fun (and confusing) how each school of psychology has had the need to come up with unique name for somewhat of the same thing  (likely there are some nyances in there, but to me it just seems childish need to be different, LOL). 

Once you learn to challenge your superego/beliefs/critic ... You are getting over a lot of the hard stuff.  Essentially all roads seem to lead to Rome regardless of which route you go, LOL.

Keep going, CH. Keep going.
« Last Edit: October 06, 2019, 05:29:39 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” — Winnie the Pooh ***

Online Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2541
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #15 on: October 06, 2019, 05:51:14 AM »


Don’t worry God didn’t leave out H either, his fortune cookie said “Don’t mistake temptation for opportunity.”



Ha! Wonder if we can get these mass produced. Could be useful.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 233
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #16 on: October 06, 2019, 07:33:27 AM »
🤣🤣🤣

Morte,

We will call them Midlife Cookies. 🥠
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 233
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #17 on: October 08, 2019, 03:53:08 AM »
H: “you you ever think that maybe this isn’t about you, it’s about me?”
Me: “sure, but then I would ask you the question of why are we focusing on everything I’m doing or not doing, to fix something that’s about you?”
H: “I don’t know”

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I’m waffling about standing.  How could there really be hope. I just not sure that someone can so radically change what they know about the world. We are light years apart in terms of morality.

It’s not just the affair. It’s in simple things. I’m tired of cruel words. I’m exhausted with emotional eggshells, and I think back to when H was fascinated by everything I have to say and how I think....now he just lives in an endless panic attack around me.

H is considering moving out for 30 days to see if that makes him feel better. 30 days???? 30 days....
No.
In fact....I don’t actually know at this moment wether I just want the divorce or 6months to a year apart.
I’m not in storage for safekeeping while you go have fun. I am an equal. Hell im better than that.
My personal thoughts are if you are out....give me a divorce....wether I chose to pursue dating or not is my choice....but I won’t be sitting by the phone hoping you figure out if you really like me or not.

Set me free if you don’t want me.

Ahhh but that’s not it is it. He doesn’t want anyone else to have me, he wants cake.  I don’t mean sex.
He wants me there waiting with baited breathe while he “sorts himself out.”

We both know he has no intention of sorting himself out....if he does it will be entirely inadvertent.
H wants to avoid the whole mess. And of course the real problem is me after all as H said he is only really getting about 90% of what he wanted in a wife.....”but the 10% is really important to me.”

The simple answer is he needs A) no back up plan (me), B) a truly hysterical girlfriend to show him what it’s like to date other people.
He’s avoidant, married to an INTJ, lamenting how emotional and out of control I am. 🤨
😂 okay then....go find a less emotional woman.😂

Jesus Mary and Joseph, I yelled for the first time in 13 years in the past 3 months.  13 years and I hadn’t yelled before, ( it’s not a productive way to communicate 🤷‍♀️).

I’m out I’d control. He goes and comes as he pleases, spends as he please, plans what he wants too.
He has his friends I have mine.
We agreed (MLC is its own animal) on finances, discipline, politics, religion, sex, children ect....
Everything he doesn’t like about me is projection.

H doesn’t realize it. So he needs to head out into the world and get a taste of real life. Because I’m just tired of screaming into the void. It’s pointless. He has nothing to compare our relationship with so he says it’s bad.

He needs to get out there and find the missing 10% obviously 🤷‍♀️

Most of me wants him to get a karma Mac-truck of truth to come barreling down on him like the wrath of God. The other half of me feels like it’s degrading to hope someone figures out 13 years and an affair  after the fact that you were actually a decent and worthy person who deserved better than the cruel treatment they gave you.

In the long run what’s 5 years....it’s nothing when you talk about spending 30, 40, 50 years together. But that’s also all those years of knowing that your significant other is capable of such callus treatment.

How long can gratitude last? How long before he slips back into comfortable patterns. How long before he goes back to holding grudges over the 10% that I’m not? When does apologizing become obligation?  I don’t want a person with me to atone for their sins.

I want a companion, a partner, someone to love, someone to make memories and adventures with. Someone to talk to, confide in, and cuddle with at night. I want someone to tell me how they see the world and challenge me to see it differently. I want someone to dream and hope with.

I don’t want a person to be with me due to guilt. I want them here because they find me fascinating and want to have adventures with me.

Can that ever even be the end goal of this?
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8539
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #18 on: October 08, 2019, 04:13:00 AM »
Yes, ch. Yes it can. Just maybe in a slightly different shape than we planned.

Yes, screaming into the void is exhausting. And largely futile bc it's not your void.
Yes, much of what he says makes no sense and is projection. The glimmer of truth in there is that he is currently prepared to gamble the 90 for the 10. (Probably bc he thinks you will keep the 90 safe lol)

It's ok to not know what you want given where you are.
It's ok not to have a clear route map to what you do want.
The truth is though that YOU will set you free, not him. Not least bc actually he doesn't want to set you free or care about what you want right now.
And there are lots of different versions of 'free', some of which involve legal stuff and some of which don't.
It's ok to take your time with working out what that looks like too
And much easier when you are not distracted by someone else's version.

A turning point for me which has grown and grown is based on the story of Le Petit Prince and a saying about being 'unique au monde'. That the rose you tend is more valuable to you and you see it more closely bc you tend it...so it becomes unique even if objectively to someone else it might look like every other rose in a field of roses. We had the saying on our wedding cake bc there was something truthful in it that we once both felt. My former h didn't stop being entirely 'unique au monde' for me....but he stopped seeing me that way.

To be fair too, I don't know what kind of rose he is now lol only that he is tending to another rose instead of me  :) And I want to be seen, really seen, by someone I love and who loves me. For whatever set of reasons, my then h stopped wanting or being able to be or do that...and I really liked it when we both did, it was a joyful experience for me that I am grateful for. Letting go involved accepting that he could not be what I wanted as he was...but it didn't change the reality that it is what I want and offer and deserve and enjoy. Or that I am still a rather splendid rose.  ;)

It helped tremendously when I stopped seeing any point in reminding him of that but realised that, bc of what had happened, I needed to tend my own rose appreciatively for a while.

Let him head off like Don Quixote tilting at those 10% windmills, my friend, if that is what he chooses to do.
If nothing else, it will set you free from the 24-7 exhaustion of his nonsensical destructive quest or the obligation to be his Sancho  :)
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 04:54:29 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 233
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2019, 06:11:53 AM »
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Treasur,

You have delighted me with your Don Quixote reference!
It absolutely made my day. I’m feeling very much like the reluctant Sancho of late.

It isn’t so much the waffling about wether or not you should keep the wife of 13 years, but the endless comments, wherein we discuss keeping or not keeping me as if I’m some funky decor piece we don’t want to toss for sentimental reasons but doesn’t quite fit with the rest of the room.
All very unemotional and casual.

Frankly I’m appalled at the casual idea of just tossing people aside....it’s such a stark contrast to the LBS’s moral stance that people aren’t disposable and you don’t just throw the whole person out.

But that’s what the MLCer does, just toss out an entire marriage and family over 10%

I don’t want a divorce....I want my power.  I don’t want a divorce.....I want equal footing.
I’m not really a back burner type of girl.  I won’t put myself there....and I’m really not interested in H trying to keep me there.

Question....if H is Don Quixote, and I’m Sancho.......oh please tell me that makes weasel face the proverbial A$$! 👏👏👏
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 06:28:40 AM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.