Author Topic: My Story The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘  (Read 888 times)

Online Mortesbride

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My Story Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #20 on: October 08, 2019, 06:24:41 AM »
A wee while ago I wrote how people view other people as disposable now.

Like an old pair of jeans.

They just fling them in the trash to get a new fancier pair that just came out...because so and so has a new pair.

But I kinda like an old worn in pair of jeans.

Ones that are comfortable, fit you perfectly in all the right places.

Ride or die jeans.

Just like relationships should be.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #21 on: October 08, 2019, 06:27:45 AM »
Morte!

❤️
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #22 on: October 08, 2019, 07:38:07 AM »
FYI,

H has already found himself a furnished apartment.

He maintains he hasn’t made a choice and wants to be here....and yet....he can’t even see that every action he takes is one that involves leaving.

I have said the entire time that I knew he was going to leave.

I just knew, I felt it from the beginning.

I’m pretty sure we won’t make Christmas.

How am I ever going to protect s15 heart, how can I keep this from destroying him? I don’t know how to keep him from getting hurt. It makes me feel panicked.

I don’t want him to have the sort of shame messages and abandonment issues I do.

How can I be a good parent if I can’t keep his heart safe?

I’m going to ask the counselor today if there is anything I can do to protect his heart.  Is this actually stopping the cycle of abandonment or perpetuating it?
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #23 on: October 08, 2019, 07:58:49 AM »
Ch
I want you to Breathe now.
Bc you are spinning a bit (which is normal)
Bc you are afraid of what might happen next (which is normal too)

But neither the spinning nor the fear will change some of those things. And neither will help you change the things you can change.
So Breathe.

What is happening sounds like it is what you thought would happen, so in a strange way nothing has changed really. Just come into existence outside your head.

One of the things you can't change is to remove your son from the current reality of what is or how he feels about it
But that is not the same as assuming that he is doomed to repeat old patterns or will be destroyed even if it is true that he will be hurt and confused and learn and be changed by it
A safe heart tbh is a locked away one. The safest heart is one that knows how to trust itself and love and be loved anyway. By all means talk it over with your IC but I'd be surprised if your son was not already experiencing some of the fallout of your h's crisis just as you are. Your IC might help you think about new boundaries for a new situation too. Respect your son by giving him the basic facts without pretending to know what you don't know. Support him by letting him feel how he feels and find his own way to navigate these changing circumstances. And keep reminding yourself that you will both be ok bc that will help him feel that you both will. And it's true tbh.

Strangely for many here, although it wasn't what they wanted, life gets lighter for them and their kids when the dark confusing chaos of an MLC spouse leaves the house. It quarantines everyone from the exhaustion and uncertainty of it tbh. And I'm aware that only recently you were talking about how bone deep weary you were and how exhausting some of your h's anxiety-driven behaviour is. The good news is that he will move that out with him lol....your challenge i suspect is that your h will want to still use you as part of his support team, hence boundaries will probably help.

When is your h moving out? (Oh, and ignore what he thinks/wants about how you should 'see' or 'interpret' this choice...not his business to define, that's up to you.)
And how does this affect your own house plans? And finances?
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 08:00:40 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #24 on: October 08, 2019, 08:50:13 AM »
Your H seems to be following the typical pattern. The first 6 to 12 months are confusing and exhausting as they cycle in and out of crisis, not sure about whether they want to go or stay. And none of it matters because the truth is that he is going to go if he's really in crisis. Ignore the 10% discussions because they don't matter. Even if you were able to magically change and provide the missing 10% it wouldn't matter because he no longer values the 90%. That's the harsh reality of MLC.

Eventually the crisis will carry him away and things will start to settle down. He may become a vanisher but more likely will settle into a pattern of regular contact, especially since you have a young son. He will contact you regularly about your son but that contact will be confusing because it will continue to be more about staying in touch with you than about staying in touch with your son. And this will continue for a long time while he processes through, or rather tries to avoid processing through, his crisis. Eventually, he may start turning back towards you but it will most likely be years before you start to see any of that and it won't have anything to do with anything you do or don't do along the way. Instead, it will be a sign that he is finally processing his issues.

Your son is going to be hurt by this. There isn't anything you can do to prevent it. It's probably already happening. But you can help him to get through it and be ok. He needs to have one sane parent, one anchor that he knows that he can always depend upon. You can be that person. It won't be ideal but it will be enough.

I want a companion, a partner, someone to love, someone to make memories and adventures with. Someone to talk to, confide in, and cuddle with at night. I want someone to tell me how they see the world and challenge me to see it differently. I want someone to dream and hope with.

I don’t want a person to be with me due to guilt. I want them here because they find me fascinating and want to have adventures with me.

Can that ever even be the end goal of this?

The answer to your question is yes, there is a chance that what you want could be the end goal but I have to be honest (blunt). Your H will probably not be capable of being that person for a very long time.

I agree with you. What's 5 years compared to spending 30, 40, or 50 years together? But I already had more than 30 of those years together when BD struck. I can tell you now what 5 years is because it's been more than 5 years since BD for me. 5 years is a lot of lonely nights, a lot of pain, and a lot of uncertainty. And after 5 years I still don't feel like I could tell you that I can see that end goal approaching.

I don't know what I would have done if BD would have occurred for me after 13 years of marriage instead of hitting after more than 30. But I'll tell you a story.

After we had been married for 10 years my youngest daughter was in a bad car accident. She was 6 years old and had what looked like serious head injuries. The doctors wanted to send her by air to a trauma center in the city but the weather was too bad so they couldn't. We spent the night by her side not knowing if she'd still be alive in the morning. Fortunately, the injuries turned out looking far worse than they actually were.

One day about 6 months later I thought I was having a heart attack. I was taken to the ER and diagnosed with the first of many panic attacks. We went through 6 years of he!!. I spent several days in a psych ward being treated for depression. I battled anxiety, woke up screaming in the middle of the night, became emotionally distant from my wife and family. My wife stayed right by my side through all of that. Eventually, I was diagnosed with PTSD and treated with EMDR. This was when EMDR was still experimental but it worked like magic.

Unlike an MLC I never left home or had an affair but I was miserable to live with for at least 6 years. I'm grateful that my wife stayed with me because we had 20 good years after I was treated for PTSD before her crisis hit. Now we've had 5 bad years and I'm afraid that I'm starting to question whether we'll ever have any more good years. My wife was strong enough to wait for me to recover but I don't know whether I'm strong enough to continue to wait for her. Five years of MLC is a very long time.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #25 on: October 08, 2019, 09:49:57 AM »
My H stayed home for almost two years.  I was desperate that he should not move out.  But Treasur is right.  Once he had gone, I realised how little peace I had while he was home but not fully with us.  The reality was nothing like as bad as I had expected ( and I was in a psychological mess and not functioning anything like as well as you).

My youngest was 14.  Again, I will Forever be furious that he did it, but left behind families find ways to fill the gap left somehow and it isn’t the disaster I expected.  It’s cold comfort at an horrendous time, I know, but a measure of relief came as soon as he left.  Thinking of you x

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #26 on: October 08, 2019, 10:25:32 AM »
Treasur,

You are correct, nothing has changed except confirmation of the inevitable. Funny you and the IC both said the same thing. I can’t and shouldn’t try to protect S15’s  heart from hurt....what I can do is make sure that he doesn’t take the wrong message from what happens next.

I’ve been laying the ground work with him (s 15) about having unkind childhoods, learning wrong messages and needing to heal the broken parts of ourselves. He’s very intelligent and can easily see what we have discussed in H, like H agreeing to something and when we ask the second time he says “actually I don’t want to do that at all.”  So S15 can tell that H struggles with boundaries and asserting himself and taking care of himself.  We have talked a couple times now about how dad May need to spend some time alone so he can learn to listen to his own body and feelings and take care of his own needs.

S15 knows H may move out. Knowing it and experiencing it are 2 different things.

H knows, and we have talked at length about not making s15 feel abandoned by him. And that I’m willing to allow as much time as the 2 of them want to spend together, without making it about maintaining any R between H and me.

(Lets be honest, H is fixated on me)

Financially I’ve been planning for H to lose his job and to have to live entirely off my income. I just got approved for a mortgage so I should be fine. Me and H are doing our very best to pay off all debts before January.  So there will only be 3 major things that could even be in contention between us and as of right now we agree on them. That would be giving me my car, it’s in his name, but the loan is 0% so I don’t want anything more than the title to come to me when it’s paid off (it’s supposed to eventually be s15 car anyway), making sure that the house I purchase stays with me and he has no claim or access to it. And I’ll definitely file for spousal support. But I haven’t planned for getting any of  it just because I don’t like surprises, and I’d rather plan to have less and let it be extra than need it to live and not get it.


MBIB,

The truth of it is.....I want H. Nobody else.
He fascinated me, he always has. I love his brain, he sees the world in a way that I can’t, with him I can suddenly see a whole other side of things that was unavailable to me.
He challenges me. We met at work, and would fiercely debate ideas and plans and implementation.
He is wildly  attractive to me....and he smells good to me....he has sexy pheromones 🤷‍♀️.

He is funny and clever, he is smart and tenderhearted (outside of MLC) and he’s enthusiastic about life in the same way I am, he never made me feel stupid for seeing the world with childlike wonder and amazement, he used to find that really attractive about me.

He’s charming, and silly, he will dance and sing at Christmas and serenade my 83 year old grandmother till she blushes.
He’s a wicked chess player, and the slowest card player in the world...and my life is better and more fun with him in it.
We have the worst romantic luck on the planet, every romantic holiday has been one of the most epic disasters in a way that comedy writers would love....it’s our thing. Sometimes your hotel room burns down on Valentine’s Day.....sometimes they play “From the windows to the walls” as the romantic music in the background of your anniversary dinner while you sit in an evening gown, sometime you hit a parked car on your wedding day. Life is an adventure.

H is the one I wanted to adventure with.

I have big feelings, they are deep and very strong.  I have my people and they have been my people my entire life....there are 3 of them.  I never loved anyone else. Only H.

If it takes 5 years then it takes 5 years....if he never comes back I think there will be a piece of my heart he takes with him.  This by far won’t actually be the worst thing I’ve ever been through....the self control will be the most difficult though.

I am the longest relationship in his entire life. We have lived together longer at this point than he lived with any parent.

Neither of us had every really lived before each other....just survival. Yes we dated and lived with other people...but life, experiences....all that was done together.  We liked to pick a different place for every vacation and go see all that there was to offer in that city. 

We would go try a new cuisine and order a dozen dishes.  We experimented and took risks and we were brave together....2 broken Chaos Kids learning what fun and adventure and excitement and life was.

H is the other half of my memories.....s15 entire childhood.

Because of the safety and comfort and love and happiness with H, I found me again. The only reason I’m not knee deep in the throes of my own MLC, is because my relationship with H healed so much for me.

I hope he lets me do the same for him.


“Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #27 on: October 08, 2019, 10:28:20 AM »
Courage, As far as keeping s15 safe.  I think there are certain obstacles in life we cannot protect them from.  We can love them m, guide them, hold their hand and be a soft place to land through it.  Your h’s actions are out of your control and so therefore, you can be a good parent by doing what you can control.  He will see your example.

I don’t want this for my kids either.  I was also abandoned as a child, but ultimately we just keep putting one foot and front of the other and lead the way to healing for them.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #28 on: October 08, 2019, 11:23:01 AM »
The truth of it is.....I want H. Nobody else.

I understand. I feel the same way about my wife which is why I've gone for more than 5 years without dating.

he never made me feel stupid for seeing the world with childlike wonder and amazement, he used to find that really attractive about me.

This is one of the things I loved about my wife. She had that same childlike wonder. Now I wonder if she was that way because her emotional development stopped while she was still young. I'm afraid that she may lose that childlike wonder if she makes it through her crisis successfully.

I wasn't trying to discourage you. I just wanted to let you know what it looks like from this side of the 5 year fence. Actually though, it's probably good that it takes so long. Five years into it and I'm just starting to figure myself out. It sounds like it won't take you nearly that long to figure yourself out so maybe your husband will take less time as well.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #29 on: October 08, 2019, 11:39:17 AM »
MBIB,

Wouldn’t that be nice. 5 years sounds like a long time, and to some extent it may be. I may feel differently about it in a few years.
One of the best things about me and H was that we were both the Protectors, which makes it hard to share your tough stuff with others, and people you view yourselves as protecting....we could share with each other though. It was safe.
I don’t know that I could share all that with normies. It would feel wrong and unsafe, like I was handing them a burden they had never been taught to handle.
With H it could often be a “yup, it sucks, and then it sucks some more.”  Instead of someone who acted horrified, or tried to get all smothery and comforting.  He saw me. The real me. And I saw him.
Neither of us needed protection from each other’s stories.


Treasur,

As for when H is moving out...he maintains he has no intention of moving out and that’s not what he wants.....as he finds a place to move out to and has a talk with the manager to check availability.

I guess it will be a surprise to all of us.....H included. 🤷‍♀️

H says that he plans on staying sober for 30 days and if he still feels anxious after that he will make a decision.

He maintains there is no one else.....phone records show he is still talking to OW.  She is a clingy needy whiny disaster, a drama queen chicken little the sky is falling sort.....so I think she sounds perfect for the job.

After careful consideration....I think finding the craziest most emotionally out of control person you can find is the best plan. It should provide excellent contrast.  A more sane one would be a serious threat. But with her penchant for inciting drama she will either drive him into the mental hospital, run him off, or implode his entire career.  Oh well, life’s about choices.

So now we wait..... btw he can’t kick me out and the rental agreement is through January.....so even if he takes off tomorrow I’ll be okay.

Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

 

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