Author Topic: My Story The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘  (Read 890 times)

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #40 on: October 09, 2019, 07:38:42 AM »
Treasur,

You are of course right.

I don’t know how to make myself believe differently, even though I know the truth.

It’s just doesn’t change beyond an intellectual level.

Ahhh well, that’s what the IC is there for, right?
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #41 on: October 09, 2019, 07:42:10 AM »
 :)
And people who love you. And us. And treating yourself as if you believe it until you do x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #42 on: October 09, 2019, 09:31:10 AM »
You can't think compassion. You have to feel compassion.

It's hard to feel compassion for somebody you don't know or respect.

You need to get to know that little girl, you need to understand her, you need to find a way to get past the messages you learned about her from other people and to realize what a special little girl she is, you need to find a way to understand what it cost her to survive her experiences, and then I think you'll find it easier to feel compassion for her.

Dig deep. Look beneath the abuse and neglect. Who is that little girl? What does she enjoy? What makes her happy? What makes her special besides her ability to survive and fight back? What would she be like if she didn't have to be strong and tough?

Take your focus off your husband. You can't fix him. He's a distraction that makes it possible for you to avoid looking at yourself. The best thing you can do for your husband is to be his guide. Lead by example. Show him how to fix himself by showing him how you're fixing yourself.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #43 on: October 10, 2019, 01:38:30 AM »
MBIB,

I don’t know. I don’t know who she is....and I don’t really have access to most of my memories. I did. Except for my childhood up until maybe a year or 2 ago....now I can’t really remember I have to look at pictures and even then...nothing new just the same 5-6 memories....without much attachment to them either.

What I remember wanting as a child was still based so much off of survival, I don’t know those dreams were really dreams or just wanting to be safe.  I wanted to be G.I. Jane, But was that just to be strong enough or because that’s who I wanted to be? I’m not sure.

So in large part I’m just waiting, waiting to get far enough in therapy we can do the emdr, to see if I can access my memories and figure out who I am.  I keep trying, it’s just frustrating, I can meditate and not much....I can do that and think about breathing till I fall asleep and not have all kinds of thoughts pop up. My brain will run a million miles an hour....till you ask it about me....then radio silence. 🤷‍♀️

It’s weird. I journal. But the reality is there’s 2 big shame messages, and I just find myself bouncing off the 2 of them. Inserting them over and over and over.  It’s like that’s the entirety of my personality those 2 shame messages. And I’m frustrated with that. It’s controlling me and I don’t like it. But because I have applied those 2 messages so broadly to my life, all of me has been about those shame message in every memory I can pull. But I don’t have the ability to change it yet.

Every choice I’ve ever made was to offset or ameliorate the shame. Who would I be without it? I don’t even know. I don’t know if there’s dreams to go back too, and say there she is the real me. I drown myself in books, I have since I was tiny. I live through them. I have hundreds in the house, thousands on the kindle and iPad, and a few extras stashed away that I don’t feel like admitting I bought yet...my own personal addiction.

But a person cannot live vicariously through books. At some point they should write their own dreams for themselves....I don’t know that I ever did that. I know how I want to feel, I know I like nature, I don’t like consumerism, greed, or showing off, I know some things I like and don’t like....but I’ve kind of always treated life a bit like ordering everything off the menu, trying everything within the confines of my morals hoping I’d stumble upon the things that make my heart sing....being a mom is one, nature and hiking is another, writing is one, H was one.....cooking and inventing recipes....other than that....I genuinely don’t know.

When I realize all my childhood dreams and goals were to be safe and loved, then I met H and it’s been 13 years of trying things to make dreams beyond safety or love.

I just feel confused about me most of the time. And frustrated with all my attempts at self introspection since it’s just me circling back to the same shame messages over and over and over again.

It’s why I haven’t signed up for school yet....I don’t know what I want to go to school for🤷‍♀️ And I have to go back. My job requires a bachelors degree, and I don’t know what I want to get it in?

 So I’m frustrated, and stuck. And I honestly don’t know how to get mentally unstuck.
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #44 on: October 10, 2019, 08:39:40 AM »
I suppose I have just been surviving all this time. Now having reached a point in life where I have experienced the worst fear and survived it, I am forced to accept that I survived and go about the business of living.

Which is daunting.

The comforting part of surviving is at least in some sense you get to be a victim of circumstance, living is an entirely different animal. It’s not that I particularly miss my victim hood, it’s more of a don’t know what to do with the freedom and responsibility.

Free will. The most awesome power we wield in the universe, only limited by the scope of our imagination. 

I don’t particularly like being here again, last time it was freeing, I had a goal, knew what I wanted and used my imagination to get me there.

I didn’t want the world laid at my feet. I didn’t want to be out in the world untethered again. I don’t actually want to reinvent my life all over again.....and I just moved here....I don’t want to go back to where I came from...and I don’t want to go forward with H’s plan for life if it isn’t with me, and I am hesitant to make my own separate plan because I don’t know what I want yet.

We promised ourselves the move here was temporary.

So once again...just like 14 years ago when me and H met, it’s just me and S15, no attachments to any particular place, no reason to be here other than H. In a new town, no family, a couple new friends....just here.

Do I put roots? Do I move closer to family? How do I decide any of it if the entire trajectory of my life is changing?
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #45 on: October 10, 2019, 09:19:12 AM »
Ch
Congratulations....I think you have come to some big important questions here. Nothing much to do with your h at all really. What a remarkable kind of person you are to get to here, truly.

Yup. Free will can be pretty scary. Like just wanting a cup of coffee and standing in front of a supermarket shelf with 1043 different types of coffee.

You said "last time it was freeing, I had a goal, knew what I wanted and used my imagination to get there". Sit with that for a moment. What are you telling yourself when you say that? From over here, it looks like you are saying that you have the capabilities and experience you might need? What did you do or learn then that might help you now?

You said "I don't particularly like being here again...I didn't want...I don't want...."
Lots of Not Wants.

You might have seen a while back on my thread that I got stuck in a Not Wants and Wants place. Got really really stuck.
And that recently I have been learning a bit about the Law of Attraction and listening to some Abraham Hicks stuff. And that has had a big effect on my mindset tbh.
Regardless of your beliefs about this LoA stuff...and indeed mine, one of the simple truths behind it is that what we focus on gets bigger. So the more we think about the Not Wants the harder it is to see the Wants, and we just get more of the Not Wants bc that is where our energy and attention is.

Another is that sometimes when we think we don't know what we Want, it isn't actually true but we are trying to force ourselves to get too specific. House x or house y for example. Whereas often the real goal is less specific..e.g. How do I want to feel living in my new home?...and once we tune into that, the specifics unfold if that makes sense? Bc of course there is almost always more than one route to that isn't there?

So, let's assume that your trajectory is changing, has already changed actually....if you were Living rather than surviving, what would you like to feel like? What would you like more of? What would be the opposite to how the Not Wants feel right now?

You are doing so well, ch.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 09:21:53 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #46 on: October 10, 2019, 10:19:13 AM »
You are in such a similar place to me.  We had just moved here after bd and it’s just me and the kids, with no real place to lay down roots. 

You just wanting to be safe and loved as a child sounds so similar to my goals in life.  I wanted a family to call my own, I wanted to be loved and that was all I really needed in life.  I had no other real aspirations.  My faith and family was enough.  You will figure out who you are and what you want.  It is hard to think clearly after such a traumatic event.  It has only been recently that I can think.  Your clear mind will resurface in time.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #47 on: October 11, 2019, 02:25:21 AM »
Treasur,

How do I even say think you for that advice? First it was the questions you asked. I wrote them out...then began to journal each one.

It was clarifying and refreshing.

I journaled furiously for about 2 hours and was so exhausted I had to take a nap. It was as if you gave me a key to myself. I feel very emotional about it.

So I will just say thank you.  Because I don’t really have the words yet for the rest of it.

Joy,

You and Treasur are my go too people. We can never be alone, we never were actually alone really.
I find now when I am at my most desolate, the times when I sit in the shower and howl and sob in my pain....he is there, waiting on me. Offering solace.

Maybe when I feel so very alone it’s more of me rejecting what’s offered because it isn’t what I wanted rather than considering the people and support available to me here, I am looking at the problem and making it bigger.

I am glad you are hear. Your faith is a boon to my soul and a reminder that there is help and comfort and belonging offered and available.....if only I will look to God for it instead of man.

Thank you.
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #48 on: October 11, 2019, 02:34:08 AM »
No words needed, my friend  :)...feel it without them...if I was of any small service then that is a nice way to acknowledge all of the times when others did the same to support me.
Still your key though, darling girl, and good thing too bc you are the best person to hold it while God has your back too xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #49 on: October 11, 2019, 11:10:52 AM »
Courage, such wise words!  Truly we are never alone and we are sometimes slow to recognize the connections God puts in our path to help us in our journey.  I am very thankful to be surrounded by so many inspirational people.  ♥️
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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