Author Topic: My Story The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘  (Read 2792 times)

Offline Finding Joy

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My Story Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #130 on: November 10, 2019, 02:22:06 PM »
Courage, I have always wanted to go!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #131 on: November 10, 2019, 02:35:55 PM »
Oh FJ,

Tennessee make my heart sing, it’s all wild woods and waterfalls and misty mountains and whiskey....
it soothes a little bit of that wild longing that’s always there, and I used to think it was for the woods....but it was never the woods....the woods was always where I met Him, it’s the longing for time with Him.
It’s charming, and rambling winding roads on mountain sides....oh and bring your big girl panties because we are 100% going to go to “Goats on the Roof” which is so much fun. It’s the gravity rollercoasters through the woods that you control with hand breaks like they have in Norway. And also there’s goats on the roof!!!! It’s much cleaner than it sounds.

We did double vacations there one year because we liked it so much.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #132 on: November 10, 2019, 02:54:29 PM »
Oh my goodness!  I love it!!  I’ve always wanted to move to TN because of the nature and four seasons!  Watch out h, I may fall in love again, this time with the mountains!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #133 on: November 11, 2019, 03:32:12 PM »
The things we keep hidden.

One of the worst parts of child abuse is the things it takes from us....the things we no longer feel safe to do because it was so traumatically rejected.

Of all the things that have been sacrificed on the alter of survival, hiding our capacity and desire to openly love is perhaps the cruelest one.

To survive, you must become hard, flinty, with a steel spine. You laugh in the face of incredible hurt and say that your fine, till you believe it. You build walls, armor, and you push down and suppress anything kind, and gentle and tender. Then you root it out in those around you....you demand they hide those things too.

There was a few months after BD that I felt I didn’t want anyone to be kind to me.....I couldn’t take that in and accept it and maintain the facade. That a hug, or a kind word and I would just go to pieces. And Treasur, poured love on me.....
(Thank you for that, Treasur)

It’s difficult to love the prickly people, they are tough to love.....
It’s tough to love me when I am one of the prickly people.

But when I let it out, when I find those parts of me I hid to save....when I let myself love, unabashedly, unashamed, when I give the love that I feel for the people that matter to me......I see the little courage that I like the most.

Because she loves fiercely.

Without shame.

She is kind and gentle and affectionate and caring.....she is beautiful. I am becoming especially fond of her. And she has been waiting a very long time to be safe enough to come out of hiding.

I think perhaps I had tried to make myself be someone that I liked, instead of taking away all the things that hadn’t allowed me to be me.

And when I love, when I speak love, show love, and act out of love, I find love in return in so many places. It has changed every interaction. Having never quite felt like the person that fits in.....and suddenly I am surrounded, beset on all sides with love and friendship, with affection and trust.

I have prayed the wrong prayer for a very long time, now I pray a new prayer, just this one, and it has changed me.......

God, let people see you in me today.

After all......what is God but love?
« Last Edit: November 11, 2019, 04:01:03 PM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Seahorse

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #134 on: November 11, 2019, 04:03:58 PM »
Courage - that is so touching...
Keep living for you, walking God's path.
You'll see so many wonderful things along the way.
Hugs,
Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #135 on: November 12, 2019, 09:03:23 AM »
I’m not sure it’s MLC.....and if it’s not....I’m unsure that I should continue to post here.
I guess it depends on how we are defining MLC.....a crisis is a crisis for each person.

Did my H wake up one morning with all his emotions turned on and an inability to shut them out anymore....yes.
Did I get monster, yes.
Was I told H wanted a divorce, yes.
Did H have an affair, yes, H says it was a failed affair.....but I don’t know what the truth is....and I don’t trust H to tell the truth right now.
Did H move out, no.
Does H have an on and off switch for how he feels about me....yes. Per him.
Is he avoidant with severe FOO issues...yes.

But H is changing, he shares more, he almost never monsters, he is having realizations, he is confronting his own issues (the little I know about it).

It’s as if every moment and interaction right now is centered around this inward focus for both of us. Like the things we hadn’t confronted till now keep coming up over and over and over again, forcing them to be dealt with.

H stopped saying he doesn’t want to talk anymore.

I’ll give you an example: Last night H text me saying firetruck his boss, that he had only paid the entire staff on a partial amount of the gross....and thereby cut everyone’s pay short....by a lot. The staff is upset, the boss says, they agreed to the pay plan, so if they don’t like it they can quit. 9 have quit in the last week, while H was gone.
I said my prayer, and texted back how frustrated and helpless he must feel seeing the people he cares about and feels responsible for being mistreated and not being able to stop it. Then I said that he was smart and he had a good heart, I believed that he was capable of finding a solution even if it doesn’t make either side happy,  to help.

H never replied.

H arrived home about 45 minutes later, he seemed off....I thought he was drunk at first....then I realized he had cried the entire way home.

I asked him why, he said he feels helpless, that he can’t protect the people he is supposed to protect.

That’s quite a lot of introspection.

When we talk about actions vs words....H is doing it backwards if he wants to remain in WIW that he has been deluding himself with.
Because his words keep saying he isn’t going to think about anything, or deal with anything or talk about anything or have any connection or work on himself because he isn’t the problem......but his actions, he hasn’t left, he’s having tough conversations, he is talking about how he feels, he is confronting some of his FOO issues, and he isn’t pulling away from s15 but stepping towards him.


I kept feeling that H needed a stuffed animal, you know when you move 100’s of times and you are forced to be an adult starting at age 7-8 you lose a lot of things. When we met he had his clothes, basic household stuff, and the only things from his childhood was a tattered suitcase filled with pictures and a couple pieces of decor, and a handful of papers.....that was it. None of the sentimental things you have emotional attachments too.
 
I can’t give him back those things....they are lost forever, but I can give him something that he can hold, that reminds him of them, but with only good memories attached. So I just thought he needed a stuffed animal (I never quite was a fan of them, so I knew it was intuition or God) and kept having the thought.
I asked what stuffed animal he had as a child, it was a German Shepard, he named it after his grandfathers dog.

Sunday afternoon while we were out there was a bin of stuffed animals near the checkout line.....they had a German Shepard one, it is very soft, so I got it. Gave it to H when we got to the car, H scoffed, then picked it up, and then started petting it and telling me about his stuffed animal, his grandfather, the German Shepard he loved so much and how he would lay on her and nap when he was very little, how he loved that dog and she felt safe to him. H said it made so many memories come back.

I am a grown up, so is H, and now we have a stuffed animal in the bed.  And when I creep out of bed to go to work at 4:30 am.....H is cuddling with that stuffed animal.

I don’t know the significance to any of it. And maybe it isn’t significant at all. I feel like I got to be a part of something that has nothing to do with me......that whatever that dog means is between H and God, I don’t understand it, but it wasn’t about me. Maybe it changes nothing, or maybe it changes everything. I don’t know. I don’t have a NEED to know either.

I don’t know how this will all work out, or even if it will work out. But I’m not sure that I should continue to post here.


Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Seahorse

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #136 on: November 12, 2019, 04:44:01 PM »
Courage - what a great post.
I don't know the answer about whether you should post here, but I enjoyed reading your sweet conversations with your H, and about how he's opening up to you.
I love the fact that you acted on buying him a stuffed animal, and that it was something that you were called to do.

I'd keep posting for now; MLC or not.
We certainly are learning from you, and hopefully we're helping you as well.

That's just IMO.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #137 on: November 12, 2019, 07:40:37 PM »
Thanks Sea,

I just don’t want to offend anyone.

My IC made a very good observation today, she said “so, you bought the man, who is scared to emotionally attach to humans a stuffed animal that matches the one he was emotionally attached to as a child, and the sensory memory of holding and petting the stuffed animal allowed him to open up emotionally to you.......you should trust your intuition more”

I guess the best thing I can do, is working on all the pain and attachments and expectations that are getting in the way of me focusing on God. Because I can’t really see Him when I’m focusing on my pain.

Did you know that all the words for judgement in the Bible except one have restorative properties? The one that doesn’t, is never used for God. Because that was always his purpose in our lives....to restore us, restore us back to the original....the thing he created and looked at with love and pride and tenderness and said “it is good.”

Sea, I’m learning.....we are good.....we are a good creation.  We were made for love, to love and be loved.....and that’s the only way He sees or ever saw us. It’s the crap we picked up along the way that’s hurting us, that’s holding us back, that’s keeping us from being totally enveloped in the Love that is him.
When God judges us he is evaluated what needs to be removed to make us whole again. The parts that hurt more than help anymore. There is no surgeon I trust more than the one who loves me, and wants what’s good for me.

When someone loves us, they sit with us in our pain, and they empathize with us, they feel our pain....I was never alone, never abandoned, never suffering unoticed and uncared for....He was with me....even if it didn’t see it at the time, holding me in my hurt, waiting on me to try every avenue first before finally saying I chose you.....God is no more diminished by being my last resort. Because that’s love, a love that I cannot even begin to comprehend, love that just wants to love you and spend time with you and be a part of your every moment, because that love looks at me, and sees the thing I cannot see in myself, that I am wanted and desired and matter THAT much.

I don’t know why I felt the need to say all that to you tonight....but there it is.

https://youtu.be/Br1q_i1RHPU
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline 3Boys4Me

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #138 on: November 12, 2019, 09:33:32 PM »
I needed to hear that tonight dear  Courage, thank you from the bottom of my (broken) ❤️ heart
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online Treasur

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #139 on: November 12, 2019, 11:48:43 PM »
Dear CH
Many, maybe all, have a moment when we doubt MLC or doubt it applies to our spouse. Normal.
I still don't have an answer to that in my situation. Hence calling it a WIW bc I trust that something big and strange happened to my former h but I don't know if it was MLC. And my posts don't have much about MLC in them bc my xh vanished and is long gone. But perhaps some of my posts, along with others, about things like EMDR as part of my own recovery have been helpful to some LBS. Certainly there have been times when sharing with people who 'get it' has helped me feel cared about.

There are some here who think the site is solely about MLC.
I happen to believe it is also about supporting the LBS, maybe that most of all.

If posting here feels like it helps you right now, then I would humbly suggest you should post.
If it doesn't, then feel free to ease away without any judgment from anyone at all.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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