Author Topic: My Story The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘  (Read 2773 times)

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #140 on: November 13, 2019, 01:37:57 AM »
3Boys,

(((Hugs)))
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #141 on: November 13, 2019, 03:57:03 PM »
There’s this thing that Treasur asked me.....it came from the wants not wants discussion. How do you want to feel?

What a beautiful question.

How do I want my relationship with s15 to feel?

How do I want my job to feel?

How do I want my friendships to feel?

How do I want my day off to feel?

How clarifying. And enlightening because I can easily begin to see what’s preventing me from feeling that way.

It is often a matter of subtraction....not addition. I was always there. I just carried a lot of things that were other people’s baggage....and setting it down, handing it back to the people it belongs too, frees me to just be me.

I want to tell you about my job.....there is this exquisitely beautiful and painful thing unfolding there.....and I am humbled to be a part of it.
One of our nurses lost her husband to suicide.....they had been together close to 50 years.

She is devastated. Lost. Ptsd. Grieving.

And our entire staff.....just sits with her in her pain. They don’t run. They don’t turn away. They hold her in her grief, they listen to her stories, they tell her their memories of the 2 of them. They go grocery shopping with her. They take turns spending the weekend with her. They are just there. Listening, laughing, crying and loving her.
No grand gestures. No big fanfare.
Just an ear, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold.

It’s truly one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever had the privilege to witness. And she lost him 6 months ago....and they are still just loving her through her grieving process.

I am in awe

I never saw love like this before....I didn’t know that it was okay to receive that from other people. I am learning this new thing and it is so overwhelming.

And in seeing each person love her and support her.....and just be there and present for her....I am seeing the beautiful part of each of them. I see why God is especially fond of each of them. I see the best parts of them.

There is pain there, and discomfort......but there is overwhelming love in that pain too.

And it makes me look at all the pain I have shied away from dealing with in other people.....because I felt I couldn’t add to the pain I was already carrying.....but in not being present for the pain.....I have failed to see the love as well.

Anyways.....there’s more to that....I can’t see it yet....but I feel it. 

I can see where I need to make some adjustments to my ideas about pain, and hurt, and what it means to love others, and to be emotionally supportive. It is at the same time less than I thought it required and so much more than I had imagined.

I am a work in progress....
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #142 on: November 16, 2019, 04:00:33 PM »
I’m thinking. I have all this intellectual knowledge, but changing my stuff emotionally is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. I’m not sure that any of how I react to things is a conscious choice or actually who I really am. Not to say I don’t think I’m me.....but more I’m reacting out of trauma and not responding to the moment I am in and what’s happening there.

I don’t know that my brain can tell the difference.

H mentioned again today that I have to make S help around the house. As usual all my internal feathers ruffled. So for once I just followed those feelings instead of logical thoughts......no surprises for me there I guess.

Here’s the actual internal thing that happens: (keep in mind most days I work a 10-12 hr shift)
Dishes, laundry, sweeping needs to be done. I ask s15 to help, s15 becomes drama lama and laments his ruined life and mutters about the torment and drudgery of his awful life.......which makes me FEEL like I am abusing him the way my parents abused me. He certainly acts the way I Felt back then.

Which isn’t true, asking a 15 year old to unload a dishwasher is not the same as checking out in a drug induced haze every day till 4pm and making your teens cook, clean, educate themselves and raise 3 babies and toddlers.

Then I feel horrific shame, and guilt....so I just do the work myself or it doesn’t get done.

The H asks if s15 helped that day, and then tells me s15 is big enough to help and I have to make him help me and blah blah blah.....it’s not mean, it’s actually concern......
It FEELS like the lectures I used to get standing in the living room for hours as a kid while my parents took turns telling us we were bad kids, going to hell and how disappointing we were and how much better everyone else’s kids were than us....combined with beatings, hair pulling, cussing and punching holes in the wall until ungodly hours. It FEELS like I am a failure and can’t do anything right.

But today I realized half of my inability to feel like I have control is all these instances where I am getting stuck in my shame messages....I can’t hear what anyone is telling me....I can only hear my shame messages.....and they have me paralyzed and unable to even help myself.

I talked it over with my sister.....who’s struggling with the same thing.....she gave me some good tips.
I tried some of them this afternoon while chanting “it’s not abuse it’s teaching life skills”, against bitter protests I had s15 sweep the entire downstairs and help me clean out 2 closets and we went to the gas station and figured out how to put air in the tires. We were both quite pleased with ourselves afterwards.

 S15 got to go meet friends at the ice cream parlor downtown and walk around for a few hours.....he was very empowered with his freedom and made several comments about not being nervous to walk around without parents and how everyone probably thought he was 20 anyways since he is so tall..........I don’t know if you have ever encountered a herd of teenage boys in the wild......but no one would mistake their antics for grown men.....I didn’t want to spoil his victorious moments though.

I am feeling a little more empowered. I can also start to see exactly how much work there is to do......I have a lot of unlearning I need to do.

Well I’m on emergency call for the remainder of the night and then tomorrow I am going to tackle the garage.....I have to start packing for the move in January.....where ever that is....and I am determined to do another purge of the house before the move or the holidays.
Last time I did it myself, this time I may ask for help.


Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #143 on: November 16, 2019, 04:41:58 PM »
Just thinking about that ACE score on Jacks post.....

I am a 9.........H is a 10.

It’s almost sounds damning to say it that way.....in black and white.

You would never in a million years imagine that if you met us. You can’t tell. It’s this image I have in the back of my mind that if someone really had a horrific childhood they would be a drug addict, or homeless or have 17 kids and live in a mobile home.

It’s hard to look at myself and think it was a bad as all that. Am I doomed to run away and have an affair when menopause hits? Can I possibly make enough progress before then to stop it?

By definition we should be alcoholics and have big screaming fights and a completely toxic household.
We should be re-enacting all the abuse we suffered.

If you met me you would feel that you met a slightly nerdy exuberant band mom. If you met H you would think he was the sweetest most charming man, the kind your grandmother would fawn over.
We have a pretty calm quite life........I guess all the trauma is just lurking under the surface. We have spent years talking about how we are going to ensure we don’t act like our parents......

I don’t know how I feel about it, there aren’t any good feelings that’s for certain. 
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #144 on: November 17, 2019, 04:37:17 PM »
I feel like that many of us who suffered trauma live a very normal life.  Perhaps too normal sometimes.  For H and I, our whole goal in life was to live for God and do a good job with our kids(unlike our parents).  I feel like because we had trauma our life goals were very simple, the little things mattered so much more. 

When I tell people of my past(not often in RL) they are very surprised.  We are, or were;) as normal as they come!  I do think I went overboard on the mom role for a lot of years though because of my lack of one. 

You avoid an MLC by working through your issues.  You are doing just that my friend!  God is walking right beside you!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #145 on: November 17, 2019, 11:25:35 PM »
I think it is important to balance the coin by doing the resilience test that goes with the ACE test? It may explain a lot about why damaged MLC spouses react differently from damaged LBS. Jmo. And recognising ones own existing resilience is probably a good feeling...
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #146 on: November 18, 2019, 05:22:58 AM »
Treasur,

That was a good idea.

I scored an 87. I don’t think that surprises me to much.....I think the more you deal with and overcome the more that you trust yourself to overcome the next seemingly insurmountable issue that comes up in your life.

Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #147 on: November 18, 2019, 05:50:23 AM »
Well, i think you are underselling your resilience my friend.
The truth is that if our spouses followed the principle of overcome more so trust yourself more, I suspect many of them would not have imploded...
So, a kindly self pat on the back to you I'd suggest  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline gman242

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #148 on: November 18, 2019, 06:27:49 AM »
Courage, I've always appreciated your input on my same exact issue with my own son. Your exactly right, we're both fighting against old messages. It's really hard to be able to stop hearing them and see what's really going on. I've found I do the same thing at work, with other people.. i'm only hearing what I've been conditioned to and I'm only now seeing what the issue is.

I agree with your sister! That's part of the reason i've been so vocal on my own thread. He needs to learn life skills and I need to clear away whatever it is that is stopping me from being effective with him. The message I'm hearing is I don't matter.. Part of me says that may be so, but he needs to learn this. I know what it was like going without it and that's my biggest fear for him.

As long as your fair and you're explaining the long term negative effects of their behavior, kids need you to stay on them. My parents were the opposite. My mom was too afraid i'd never do anything right so she did it all and I grew up not knowing how to do anything or to believe in myself.

You're doing great! You just have to say it isn't you, just old messages and keep on moving!

Offline CouragedearheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Reply #149 on: November 18, 2019, 06:50:10 AM »
Gman,

I too have the “I don’t Matter” script running.....all the time.
Now I think perhaps it is because I have been waiting and expecting someone else to show me that I matter, instead of taking responsibility and not being a victim and showing myself how much I matter to me.

It is, as always.....a work in progress.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

 

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