Author Topic: My Story Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01  (Read 770 times)

Online FlabbergastedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 23
  • Gender: Female
  • Life's challenges have made me who I am today
My Story Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« on: October 02, 2019, 04:27:06 PM »
Hi sweet people,

I've been lurking here for ages and now I think it's time to start my own thread (and I'm SO hoping I'm doing it the right way). I will share my story soon, but I've got a very busy life and don't have a lot of time to write. I just don't want to hijack other people's threads, so here I am.

English is not my first language (I'm from the Netherlands), so it's highly possible that I write some strange things every now and then. Please forgive me for that.

A "quicky" (pun intended):

BD in june 2017. I knew something was wrong by the way he wrote on the card I got for our anniversary. Before that ... no clue! It was a sweet message, but not what I was used to (he's a very romantic guy). I asked him about it and here's what he said: "I don't feel happy anymore. I think there's something wrong with me. I think I'm having a Midlife Crisis."  :o
We talked about it a bit, but he didn't want to for too long. So I let it rest. The next day I asked him: "But ... are we okay??" And then ... BOOOOOOM! BD!

From that moment on things got weirder and weirder. He told me: "I know I love you, it's somewhere inside, but I can't reach it anymore". I have the feeling that I'm in love with someone else, but there's no person yet. Just the feeling of being in love. When I'm in bed with you, it feels like I'm cheating, but there's noone to cheat on.  :o :o I've GOT to have another relationship, just be with someone else for a year or so and then I'll come back."

We talked about it, but he needed a lot of time-outs. This from a guy who I could talk to about EVERYTHING. He changed in one day. A total 180. He was the one that had always said: "If one of us should feel there's something wrong or their feelings would change, we HAVE to tell the other one right away. Then we have to do everything we can to try to fix it."

Now I have to tell you something about me. I've always been independent and I've always been happy with myself. When this happened I told him: "You are not my property. If this is what you need to do then you need to do it. I will be here for you." I didn't beg for him to stay, but I did cry (understatement of the century).

Well, to make a long "quicky" even longer ... we joked about what kind of girlfriend he would find and I gave her a fake name. Now it sounds like I was all okay with this and that I was not hurt, but believe me I was ... big time. I love(d) him enough to give him the freedom he needed. I told him he had done so much good in the years before this (23 years together) that he had made me so happy, that he had built so much credit with me it was impossible to undo that. He cried his eyes out and was not sure bla bla bla (all the usual MLC stuff). I've told him that I was sure he would have an OW within two weeks.

And I was right. He hooked up with one of my best friends and has been living with her for 2 years now.

That's all for now folks. To be continued...
I believe in us, but most of all I believe in me!

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4531
  • Gender: Female
Re: Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2019, 05:52:43 PM »
Welcome to THS.  I'm sorry you found your way to us but if you've been lurking here you know what kind of place you've landed in. 

I hope you find us to be encouraging, supportive and helpful with the advice we offer. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2216
  • Gender: Female
Re: Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2019, 06:11:39 PM »
Flabbergasted ..Welcome to Heros Spouse and I am happy that you have been "lurking" and now feel ready to talk. So you are facing a "double " betrayal ( me too) and it is so utterly painful, and I am sorry that this has happened . You will be endlessly supported her , know you certainly are not alone and we are glad you found . You sound strong and will follow along your journey. Let us know a bit more when time permits ! Welcome !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online terra

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 181
  • Gender: Female
Re: Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2019, 06:55:19 PM »
Your username is apt and reading your story, I feel that too. I am so very sorry you are subjected to this, but also very glad you’ve come out of lurking mode to tell about it.

Keep telling. I hope everyone here will be able to help you through, and although I am in the thick of it also, I feel sure this strange Now is NOT forever. I will watch for more of your story, and am wishing you well — KEEP TELLING.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6744
  • Gender: Male
Re: Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2019, 09:08:20 PM »
I'm sorry that your circumstances have brought you here but it sure looks like you're right about him having an MLC. I hope your participation in the forum is able to make this a little bit easier for you to go through.

Offline Shockandawe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 781
  • Gender: Female
Re: Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2019, 10:26:44 PM »
Hello Flabbergasted (great name btw),

Reading your post was like reading about what happened with my h.
He too said pretty much word for word what yours said. It’s the mindfu**ery that is so difficult to get your head around what with the total personality change not to mention the lie machine that swings into action until everything he says is another lie.
My sister says his whole life is now a lie which kind of explains it, (at least to my mind).
The ow has the person who is driving the crazy bus and I know I don’t want to be on there with him.
You sound strong, keep posting, keep reading it’s helped me immensely.

God bless you
Beware of “keyboard warriors “

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5464
  • Gender: Female
Re: Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2019, 02:24:26 AM »
Welcome Flabbergasted to this very special place of understanding.

Your H said a lot at BD mine did and showed some of the same behaviour. 

So difficult he decided to live with one of your best friends, makes the situation more painful than it already is.

As you know, he is lost to you for now and will be for some time yet probably.  Keep reading and posting for support, we are all in the same boat.  He did show quite of lot of insight at the beginning as many do.  It's a pity it didn't last.  It's said the fog gets thicker as they go deeper into the tunnel and I have certainly sen that play out.

Your English is outstanding!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1503
  • Gender: Female
Re: Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2019, 10:04:52 AM »
Welcome to the best place to be.
So glad you are sharing part of your story with us. My BD was around the same time frame and I did not see it coming either. None of us did.
Not that it matters, but I am not so sure he didn't have an emotional affair with your friend before BD. I do not quite believe the I feel like I am cheating but there is no actual person involved.
Do you have any kids together ?
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online FlabbergastedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 23
  • Gender: Female
  • Life's challenges have made me who I am today
Re: Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2019, 12:53:53 PM »
Thank you all so much for this warm welcome! I feel like I already know most of you. I've been reading here for 2 years now and know most of your stories. It has helped me tremendously!

stillbaffled:
I really do find you to be encouraging, supportive and helpful and I'm so thankful for that.

barbiedoll:
Your story I know very well. ;-) I've learned so much from reading your story and it has helped me to understand a lot.

terra:
Well ... Flabbergasted was the first word that came to mind when I told the first person about what happened (we also use it where I live). Everybody around me used the same word, because (like most of us here) we were seen as the "perfect couple". It was time to share my story. Actually long overdue, but there's so much I want to tell, that I just wouldn't start, lol.
And you're so right: this is NOT forever. I'm wishing you and all the others here the best life possible as well too. Because we've only got one, so we better use it the best way we can!

MyBrainIsBroken:
You've already been helping me ... more than you know (well, you probably do know).

Shockandawe:
I've read your story as well and it IS one big mindfiretruck. I'm happy for you that you have your sister to support you. Always good to have someone who's got our backs.
She has the person that I would have never laid eyes on if he were that way when I first met him. In this condition she may have him ... all wrapped up and tied with a bow.  ;D

Savoir Fair:
To be honest, I don't think the pain is worse because of my friend being the OW. Her I know and I can take her (figuratively speaking). With her I know what I'm dealing with. The insight he had in the first year was mindblowing! This is one of the things that made me hesitate to write here. It's soooooo much!
But it's good that he went in deeper. It's needed to come out on the other side. This is what I believe.
Thanks for the compliment. I do my best, but there are words that I just don't know. But ... never too old to learn. ;-)

Schratz66:
So we've been in this for about the same time. I hope you've found a (temporarily) new normal as well. We don't have kids.
I am sure that he didn't have an emotional affair with her before BD. And I do believe what he said 100%. I've seen it happen when it changed.

I will tell you how I think it works. I will use my ex-H as an example, but I honestly believe that this is the case more often:

Ex-H was feeling terrible and didn't know why, how or what. His brain needed to make an emergency move to keep him from falling apart. He told me that he even had moments that he felt dissociated from his own body and it scared the heck out of him. He could look at his hand and don't feel like it was attached to him. Then he would run ice cold or hot water over it to feel it again. It was not the numb feeling that you can have when you've had it in the same position too long, but really like it was NOT his hand.

His brain needed a high boost and what gives you that feeling? Being in love. So, in my opinion he was in love with being in love. That's why it wouldn't had mattered which other woman would show up. It was just the first one that was available. He made up a "fantasy mask" in his troubled mind and put it on the first one that would accept it. For me it's a knowing that in time this mask will slip and he will see the truth again.

Believe me, I have zero expectations and I know that if and when he wakes up it doesn't mean he will come back to me. But I do have a "knowing" that he will wake up from this and see it as it is. Until then and even after that 'till the end of days ... I have a life to live ... MY life!  ;)
I believe in us, but most of all I believe in me!

Online FlabbergastedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 23
  • Gender: Female
  • Life's challenges have made me who I am today
Re: Unwanted Flabberguest in MLC land 01
« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2019, 01:07:23 PM »
By the way ... why is my post in pink? Does anyone know?  :o
I believe in us, but most of all I believe in me!

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.