[How aware /conscious/ mindfull were you pre-BD? For example did you know about 90/10 rule, did you let your stress reactions (fight, flight etc) control your behaviour. Etc]

How aware /conscious/ mindfull were you pre-BD? For example did you know about 90/10  rule, did you let your stress reactions (fight, flight etc) control your behaviour. Etc

Not aware at all

5 (35.7%)

Slightly aware

6 (42.9%)

Moderately aware

2 (14.3%)

Lot aware

0 (0%)

Fully aware

1 (7.1%)

Total Members Voted: 14

[AlvinTheMaker]

Just something I've been thinking... About how happy our marriages were in reality.

The more I learn, the more I realize how little I have known (and how much better things could and should have been).

I'm bit ashamed to admit I was very much on the low end of the awareness scale.  I was very much drifting, letting my feelings and stress reactions run the show in good and bad. I was not putting much concious effort for my marriage.  It was all driven by monkey brains (at least on my part).

Maybe it's just me or maybe not (hence this poll), but I feel a lot of men are like I was - until something similar to BD shakes us awake and forces change to happen.

And yes, I know the options if slightly/moderately/lot aware are subjective and relative personal opinion of each.

[terra]

I keep refreshing the page to see if someone has answered this yet!

For what it’s worth, what you’ve said of your pre-BD awareness and manner, I think that was pretty much mine also. I’m interested to see if there is any difference between genders on this item, and regardless, I will definitely appreciate any answers from our LBS guys here.

Thank you for great question and thoughtfulness!

[Standing Strong]

I answered right in the middle, moderately aware...... but the question is a little confusing to me.
I put a lot of effort into my M, did what I thought was "Good", but as a whole.... totally missed the boat..... no instruction manual.

The flip side is W was lost too, and had all kinds of unresolved issues that really caused issues in me.
So is it that we are so lost? Was our pre-BD spouse coloring our behavior with theirs?
I honestly think I was a very good H before BD all things considered (but nowhere near perfect, I had my issues too). If she hadn't had issues leading up to BD I would have received everything I needed and been an even better H than I was..... but you get what you get, no crying over what could have been and no finger pointing except at myself.

Know what I mean?

-SS

[AlvinTheMaker]

Know what I mean?

Yep. 110%.

My point with question is very much about perception.... We believed we were good spouses, and we were the best we knew of. But when looking back now, I just want to gringe my teeth. What lessons did I miss at school/life???

Ignorance may be a bliss, but when you wake up and realize what you missed the first time,  the world looks very different.

[Standing Strong]

Oh yeah!!! I totally identify with that!!!

Hahahahah

2nd times a charm right? I actually think it really is.

-SS

[Disillusioned]

Just something I've been thinking... About how happy our marriages were in reality.

The more I learn, the more I realize how little I have known (and how much better things could and should have been).

I'm bit ashamed to admit I was very much on the low end of the awareness scale.  I was very much drifting, letting my feelings and stress reactions run the show in good and bad. I was not putting much concious effort for my marriage.  It was all driven by monkey brains (at least on my part).

Maybe it's just me or maybe not (hence this poll), but I feel a lot of men are like I was - until something similar to BD shakes us awake and forces change to happen.

And yes, I know the options if slightly/moderately/lot aware are subjective and relative personal opinion of each.

Right there with you, Alvin.  And the more I read and learn about the differences between men and women, the more sad it makes me that all of these things could/should have been avoided.  I think very few marriages are actually, genuinely, healthy and happy, because of the different perceptions, reactions and ways of communicating between the sexes.  Probably 10%, mostly by luck.  40% are marginally happy or staying together,  but not fulfilled.  The other 50% end in a crises driven explosion or amicable/contentious normal divorce.

My opinion only.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I get the impression that your hypothesis is that prior to BD our marriages should have been better but weren't because our level of awareness was low. Perhaps you might even be suggesting that BD occurred because our marriages weren't as good as we thought they were because our awareness level was so low.

I don't buy it. I'll admit my awareness level was relatively low but I know that we had a good marriage for at least 30 years. I don't see a correlation between awareness and how good the marriage was, between awareness and MLC, or between how good the marriage was and MLC.

MLC doesn't happen because our awareness level was low or because we were in an unhappy marriage. MLC happens because the MLCer has a crisis that is related to childhood events that occurred long before they married us.

I know a lot of men who I would say have a pretty low level of awareness. None of their wives are going through an MLC.

Looking back now that I have a higher level of awareness, are there things that I would have done differently? Yes.

If I had done those things, would it have stopped my wife from having an MLC? I'm pretty sure the answer is no. Her MLC has nothing to do with me or the quality of our marriage prior to her MLC.

I agree that having a low level of awareness could lead to an unhappy marriage and possibly a traditional divorce. That isn't the case with an MLC.

[AlvinTheMaker]

No hidden hypothesis there, MBIB.

Just honest question.

Self growth is all about change.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Just something I've been thinking... About how happy our marriages were in reality.

I have no issues with your survey but this statement bothers me.

In terms of self growth, your survey makes sense, but I don't see any relationship between your survey question and MLC.

Just my honest reaction. Self-improvement is good unless we're doing it because we think we caused our spouse's MLC.

[gman242]

I answered right in the middle, moderately aware...... but the question is a little confusing to me.
I put a lot of effort into my M, did what I thought was "Good", but as a whole.... totally missed the boat..... no instruction manual.

The flip side is W was lost too, and had all kinds of unresolved issues that really caused issues in me.
So is it that we are so lost? Was our pre-BD spouse coloring our behavior with theirs?
I honestly think I was a very good H before BD all things considered (but nowhere near perfect, I had my issues too). If she hadn't had issues leading up to BD I would have received everything I needed and been an even better H than I was..... but you get what you get, no crying over what could have been and no finger pointing except at myself.

Know what I mean?

-SS

I couldn't have put it better than this.. I don't think anybody knows how to be married, but I wanted to and was willing to try despite that I had baggage too. My xW's FOO baggage just totally outweighed mine and I wasn't given the love and validation I needed, that I was giving her, despite my own baggage. So her issues, made mine worse which simply fed her own unhappiness and sense of crisis. But I know I was a good husband because I tried and I gave her what I wanted to receive. I too think that had I been given that, I would have stabilized and grown and we would have grown together.

It may seem like I'm passing the blame and I'm not. Like most people, we were married when we were young and it was our first marriage. We had no "if I had to do it over again" frame of reference then.. Nobody here did..