Author Topic: My Story Our Midlife Journey  (Read 428 times)

Offline TicomanTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Our Midlife Journey
« on: October 08, 2019, 12:45:11 PM »
Me 43
MLC wife 42
D18
S8
S4
BD DEC2018

:hug :hug everyone. Thank you all for the warm welcoming to the forum; it feels good to know that I am not the only one going through a situation like this and that there are hope and support. This has been a long journey and trying to understand it ans survive it even harder.

I would like to tell you the story and development of our MLC as it stands to this day; as a way to get it of my chest and also get any advice that someone might have.

So, for a while one of my cousins and her girlfriend started hanging out at another one of the cousins house; so this became the "party house", Myself and my wife would attend some of these gatherings occasionally. There used to be music, food and above all lots of alcohol.

Besides the gatherings at the house my cousins would spend time camping (drinking) and going places together (drinking) without my wife and I. They were real close, which at one point my wife resented as she wanted to be part of the crew. I explained to her that for them it was easier as they didn't have small children like us. So my wife suggested that the gatherings moved to our house and they did.

My cousins would come over on Saturday nights and have parties at our basement. Due to me working nights, most times I would come home towards the end at a time when most had left (despite this I did my fair share of drinking), but two that would stick around and sleep over every weekend; my cousin and her girlfriend.

This kept happening, until one day I came home to find out two sons hugging each other sleeping on the couch, my cousin's girlfriend overly drunk unable to get up right next to them (mind she is a large woman),  thank God she did not land on my sons. Then my wife came up stumbling as usual and passed out right next to her.

These things made me really uncomfortable, and then to top it up I found the next day they had broken one of the couches in the living room, 2 doors in the house and another cousin had thrown up all over our driveway and left it for me to clean up. At this point I thought myself that the party had gone a little too far and that our kids and house were being disrespected, so I asked them to give my wife and myself some time so we could work out some issues we had been having.

While all of this had been going on we had started to see a marriage counselor back in November 2018 to try to work out some differences we had been having in our marriage. It was a month or so after this that my wife decided that she wanted to spend "family time" with my cousins and left with them for three days to NYC without the kids or I.

When she came back and I questioned her behavior all hell broke loose. She started tell me how I was a jerk all of this time and have been holding her back, how she had been miserable for 8 years (this later became 4), that she didn't know why she married me, she would have been so much better off if she married somebody else, and finally " I love you, but I am not in love with you".
 
From there on, there was constant fights all the time, she would leave every weekend to spend "family time" with my cousins, and even Christmas eve she took off leaving me and the kids behind to go spend "family time".

The counseling did nothing at all, if anything it would make things worst. At one point the counselor said that our problem was that I was suffering separation anxiety and if we wanted to fix things I had to get over that; he didn't see anything wrong with my wife leaving every weekend (now taking the kids with her) to go drinking excessively. In my own opinion the counselor was as confused or more than me.

I couldn't for my own life figure out what was going on; until one day talking to her brother, he mentioned: "Man, I am sorry for you, my sister is going through a midlife crisis". Before that I had been researching "wife becoming a monster", "wife being extremely mean", "why is my wife so mad" and so on without any results, after that I started researching Midlife crisis and found: thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org and that was like a description of the things we had been going through, finally I knew what was going on.

Meanwhile the "family time" kept on going strong, now more with my cousin and her girlfriend, and my MLC wife saying they are her best friends who really cared about her and her family and, that she never had friends like them before. Then my cousin's girlfriend started leaving my cousin to give company to my MLC wife during her difficult moments. As she stated " I am her only company during these though moments".

Then my MLC wife besides the weekend started to take days off work during the week to spend time with my cousin' girlfriend, they even went to the city together and got "friendship rings" for each other. Not long after this, they were found twice having sex, one of those times in our marital bed to make it worst (they both claim to this day,  they were too drunk and don't remember). They had have an affair going on for awhile.

This became of  the knowledge of everyone in "the family", and the attacks started against my MLC wife, and my cousin's girlfriend. One day my aunt called me, to tell me what kind of person she thought my wife is, and I responded to her: "despite what you think she is still my wife; I am not going to let you or anybody to talk badly about her to me. So if that what this call is about, have a nice day".  Hang up the phone.

My MLC found out about this incident and she came over thanking me for having her back, and saying how now she could see that I was the one telling her the truth  all this time. She stopped going to spend "family time " for about 1 1/2 to 2 months ( I guess because embarrassment, and because my cousin kicked her girlfriend's behind), but also she became calm.
 
She is not spewing all over, she has been making a point to include herself in all activities I have with our kids (except going to church), and keeps telling me how much she loves me constantly. I like the changes, but I am really uncertain if they are sincere.

She still contacts my cousin girlfriend on the phone (not sure how often), and the other day she said they went for a drink (she still claims there is nothing going on).

For now at least I am more at peace as we are not fighting. We're having some financial problems caused by her overspending on the last few months, but I am getting an extra job to try to mitigate. Other than that trying to figure out where we stand in this journey and what I should expect of all of this.

Hugs and peace to all of you.
“It can’t rain all the time”.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2019, 12:53:58 PM »
Hey TM,

Welcome!!! The "old hands" will be around soon to give their really great wisdom.

Amazing group here, no better people to go thru all this with.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2019, 04:16:04 PM »
Ticoman

Thank goodness your W’s brother mentioned MLC and you found us. It’s the best thing you could have done for yourself.

My advice to ‘what to expect’ is probably that you have entered crazy land. Having no expectations is best. Come here and keep talking as it will highlight the crazy.  Detach from her as much as you can. It’s like she is on a rollercoaster, you can either sit beside her and go up and down with her, or get off and let her ride while you take care of you and your children. They’ll need you to be strong. Focus on them, it will help you through.

This is your wife’s journey, you didn’t cause her MLC. Nothing you said/did or didn’t say/do caused it. Equally though you can’t fix it. Being nice won’t work, being angry wont either.

Read the stories here, find some men who are in a similar situation to you where their MLCer is still at home (for now). Helpingme is one story you can read. PJwillbeok is another. Different outcomes atm. BBHelp is a good one to read too.

It’s good things are more peaceful but remember her rollercoaster, she’s been up, now down a bit, she’ll go back up again. Leave her to it but protect your finances as she feels empty inside and is trying to feel better so spending is another way to temporarily feel better. Getting another job will exhaust you will it not. You are the only sane parent the children have so look after yourself. Don’t let her crisis become your crisis.

Lovely to meet you,
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline TicomanTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2019, 07:00:56 PM »
Thank you for the replays.
 :hug Everyone

It has been very quiet around here. My MLCer keeps reassuring me with the "I love you" everytime she has a chance, and we have been actually spending some good quality time together as well as with the boys (last Saturday she attended with us for the first time in a couple years one of our sons soccer game :standingovation:)

The other day we went out on a boat and brought along her brother and his wife and spent a whole afternoon just sailing around, it was great. There has been even some intimacy between us (started by her). I should not complain one would say.

Well, here goes the rest. After these couple of nice weeks we have been having; MLCer decided on Saturday evening that she wanted to go and spend time with my cousin's girlfriend. I have no idea if my cousin was with them, if they were out by themselves or whatever.

I found out because my daughter stopped by to visit her brothers while I was at work and there was nobody at the house, and then I found a receipt for that day from a pub from around the places they frequent (they used to leave my kids with my cousins girlfriends mom and pay her to go out).My MLCer did not mention anything about it, and I have not questioned either.

The thing is that even though she has been caught twice (by two different family members) having sex with the OW, she keeps claiming they are just friends and don't remember anything if they did anything as everytime they were drunk. Ok, give me a break.

This seems to me like some "cake eating". Since my MLCer does not want to recognize she is having a PA; how am I supposed to react or act in this situation? When I confronted them about it the last time a few months ago, they denied everything and my wife actually went monster, her defense mechanism i guess.
 I am not even mad about it, a little bothered OK, but that is all. A little advice would be really appreciated though.
“It can’t rain all the time”.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2019, 03:22:56 AM »
Hi Tico,

From over here in the Cheap Seats, there is more than "just"an MLC going on here....

Your W has an issue with alcohol abuse. People getting puking drunk on a regular basis and having alcohol-related blackouts are exhibiting signs of alcoholism. Since alcohol tends to lower the barriers to inhibitions, people under the influence become more likely to behave in ways that they never did before.

Toss a little MLC into the mix and all bets are off....

First, your kids need a stable parent and guess what? That is you. "Family Time" is you, your W and the kids..... EXTENDED family time can include the cousin and the GF.
Second, make sure you have/keep a sharp eye on your finances. Mid-Lifers and addicts can go through money like water over Niagara Falls. You will need to be sure that her spending doesn't drag you down with her.
Third, if this is a real MLC, it is an ultra-Marathon and not a sprint to the finish. Numbers rage from 5-10+ years for the Mid-Lifer to get their head out of their .... fog...

My Tag Line has a link to the Survival Guide for Newbies. You may want to take a look at that and see what is applicable in your situation.

UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2019, 04:53:59 AM »
I agree with UM, Tico
And that might mean you need to look hard at tough facts and what is really acceptable to you as your life and the life of your kids. Jmo.

The party house going 'a little too far'? From over here in the cheap seats, a situation where your relatively young kids were at risk, exposed to adult behaviour that isn't appropriate or good for them to see, and where your house got trashed? That's a lot more than 'a little too far'. Really it is.

Compared to that, your w's nice words and disappearing acts are just wallpaper tbh.
Is she still having an affair with this woman? Sure, looks like it. Is she lying/did she lie? Yup. Does she have an alcohol problem? Yup, sounds like it. Is she going through an MLC? Maybe. But as UM says, there are some other things you can control which might be worth focusing on first.

What is your relationship with alcohol, partying, drugs etc? Is it part of your normal or part of your own life history? Or hers?

What do you think your kids need right now and what are you doing to create that kind of stability?
Given that it is a reasonable starting assumption that your w is invested in an extramarital relationship, not being honest and prioritising her feelings and wants over everyone else, how do you intend to manage the possible risks of that for you, your kids, your finances and your sanity?

Please feel reassured that if I seem a bit blunt, I am not judging you. Lots of us here have been where you are and not one of us is perfect. Lots of LBS here have found as they begin to make sense of what is going on that they have some of heir own baggage or unwise choices to unpick. And every single one of us has focused on the MLC Spouse Weird Creature in the room while ignoring some other small elephants  :)

Time will show you what the reality is of what you are dealing with; how much is about one thing, or another, or how to label it so you can learn to navigate it. Someone else here has the saying about how you should focus on shooting the wolf closest to your sled rather than necessarily the biggest or trying to aim for the whole pack at once. Sounds like this may be where you are? The more you tell us about your situation and the wolves you see, and can trust that we won't judge you, the better we will be able to support you.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2019, 06:37:47 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline TicomanTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2019, 09:45:52 PM »
Thank you for the replays; they really make me feel like at least somebody understands about the poop am going through.
Is there a need to take A look at all the facts? Yes, I have. Let’s start by me. I have been around the hospitality industry my whole life; the first place I visited after being born was the restaurant my father worked at, later on started working in hotels in my home country; after I moved to the USA and got jobs in restaurants and bars. So, guess what there is lots of at restaurants and bars? Yes, alcohol. I used to drink lots of it in my day, until recently (about two years ago). Did I have a problem, of course; that’s why I stopped drinking like that. Do I still drink? Yes, not nearly as much as I used to; a couple beers here and there or a glass of wine; no more hard alcohol though. Here and there I stop all together for a month or two, just to keep myself in check.
My wife, guess where we met. Of course, at a bar. I was her bartender. Did she have a drinking problem? Not at that time. You see, we were both just turning thirty and lived by ourselves; met each other, and we both liked to go out and drinks of course. Here is the thing, we never drank till blacking out or puke drunk. To be honest, not more than a couple times either one of us.
Our drinking problems came later on, and quite honestly I think I was having some of a mlc myself as I was a little worried of getting older, to the point of feeling anxiety whenever I thought of my younger years. Yep, I was getting aware of my mortality and I was feeling like my days were counted those days when I was drinking heavily. My wife started drinking heavy about two- three years ago. So, was or is there alcoholism involved, of course; is the alcoholism the cause of the behaviors witnessed? I think of it more like one of the symptoms of the root problem.
Animal parties at the house “a little too much”, of course, much more than a little, that’s why I cut them off. My MLCer used that as her excuse: “I go out with them every weekend (whole weekend without coming home) because you don’t let them come here”. There was always a good reason; Christmas Eve: you changed the password on your phone, I’m going out ( and staying the night out)
Never in a lifetime the woman I married would have done things like that; we were married for nine years before she started acting that way.
Alcohol or drug abuse: check ;D
I have been miserable for eight years (later turned to four) :check  :o
You have been holding me back: check :o
I would have been so much better if I married somebody else: check :-\
I love you but I’m not in love with you:check :(
EA, PA:check  >:( :( :(
Over spending: like a Rockefeller, check  ???
Why am I still here? If I just left who would take care of my boys? Answering my question with another answer. As much as I hate that, that is the only answer.

“It can’t rain all the time”.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2019, 03:22:23 AM »
Tico that’s right. Your boys need you. Don’t leave them.

If you want your W to leave that’s different but dont you walk out on your boys. No-one will understand what you are going through and will just see the facts - you left.

Put your focus entirely on to them and yourself as living like this is a journey to Hell and we all understand.

FWIW the answer ‘why am I still here’ is the same for me. Because of my children, I’d never see my H again if it wasn’t for them. It’s too difficult, too devastating to go through and the only thing that has given me enough strength to get this far is my children. They give you strength but it also complicates things so much more.

Keep posting, we’re here with you
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2019, 06:40:10 AM »
Read the articles and post here frequently.

I am pretty busy these days so I apologize if I don't post to you that often.

You will get great advice here.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2019, 11:06:28 AM »
From what you write there are two sets of issues. Drinking and MLC. The drinking was always there for both of you, be it excessive or not.

Meanwhile, you think you had a MLC and your wife is having one. Explosive mix.

Since there is little you can do for your wife, maybe you can use the time to further work on yourself?

As Ursa said, you will need to be the stable parent. Your boys need you.

What is the root problem?
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline TicomanTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2019, 11:50:12 AM »
One of the symptoms of I midlife crisis is the abuse of alcohol and or drugs I have read. So I think the root problem is the MLC that is causing the excessive drinking. The AP one of her drinking buddies. IMHO if she wasn’t going through her MLC she would not be doing all the coo coo stuff she is doing. She turned overnight into the complete opposite of the woman I married.
The good news, lately there has been no monstering; she is lovey dovey instead. The bad news, she is still hanging out with the AP on my back.
What could be bad news for them is if my cousin finds out they’re seen each other, but that is their problem and I don’t relate with my cousin so I would not be the one telling her.
TICO
“It can’t rain all the time”.

Offline TicomanTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #12 on: October 14, 2019, 06:37:51 AM »
So, my MLCer has been very calm lately. Every chance she gets she tells me she loves me and there has been none of the heavy drinking for a long time. Spends a lot of time on her phone playing video games or in social media. She gets a little flustered with the boys sometimes. What I do is to get them away or ask them to be quiet (kids are kids). Still spending a lot. The other day we talked about that and she recognizes she can be a compulsive spender as she has had that problem when she gets depressed in the past. Other than that not much going on in the household.
Today is our son’s bday ;-).
“It can’t rain all the time”.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2019, 07:13:37 AM by Ticoman »
“It can’t rain all the time”.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #13 on: October 14, 2019, 08:48:43 AM »
The other day we talked about that and she recognizes she can be a compulsive spender as she has had that problem when she gets depressed in the past.
Let me just say that she is likely always depressed even when she seems normal and this is likely a lot of the problems in your marriage.

You didn't break her and you can not fix her.

That is totally up to her.

Best to keep on worrying about YOU and your children.

Offline TicomanTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Our Midlife Journey
« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2019, 09:23:21 PM »
Thank you Old Pilot; I’ve been taking care of the boys and myself lately. I guess that shook my MLCer
as she has lately been looking to spend time with us more often. Before she only complained I was the only one that got to do fun things with the boys (well, they’re always with me Sherlock, when they’re with you, you’re either drunk or to hangover to do anything). She stoped drinking as of the time being, and the kids and Myself are actually very happy she is joining us in the fun.
Real story about this. A few months back while my MlCer and my son were playing trivia at a restaurant, the question cake up. What would you be doing if it was Friday evening: choices
Going out dancing
Having a drink
Spending time with family
And another option I don’t remember.
My MLCer picked spending time with family.
Me: good choice
MLCer: stop that
S8: well mommy, you don’t spend time with us
MLCer: what are talking about son? I always do
So: not all the time
Mlcer: your mom is putting ideas in his head
Me: my mom doesn’t speak English
MLCer: Our son understan enough of your primary language
Me: I know both languages fluently and I know my son does not know enough to translate that
MLCer: :o
“It can’t rain all the time”.

 

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