Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Letting go

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3305
  • Gender: Female
  • One day at a time. And time is my friend.
My Story Rebuilding Letting go
OP: October 10, 2019, 07:28:54 PM
Bomb drop September 2016.  We were the "perfect couple ".  Almost never argued.   I'm super easy going.  I always assumed my h was the same.  Little did I know, he had a ticking time bomb inside him.  He was growing more stressed,  after I had breast cancer and then was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder.   It was too much for him.   Had an ea, then pa. 

Luckily,  he recognized after blowing us up and moving out, that he had work to do.  OW was short lived.  He went to a great therapist,  still going.  Moved back home a year and a half ago.   

We have reconnected and are rebuilding.   I love this new version of him, ever more every day.   I am so proud of him, the work he is doing and continues to do.   He still has work to do,  but so do I.  We have become much more honest with who we are,  more communicative.   

I will tell you,  so much of where we are, I believe,  has to do with letting go.   When bd happened,  I thought,  I don't know who I am without him.  I no longer was my own person,  I was only part of an US.  this site taught me so much,  it taught me to find ME.  To be true to myself.  To live as if he was never coming back.   If I hadn't found my own happiness,  my own joy, I'm not sure I would have been ready to allow him back,  to reconnect.   This site saved me.  If we had never reconnected,  I would have been fine, because of what I learned here.  But the irony is that once I truly let go, I believe that he sensed it, and was drawn back.  There is no faking it,  I had to truly let the rope drop.   

Wherever you are in the process,  trust the steps.   Don't fake it,  do the work for YOU.  Because you are worth it.  Don't do it hoping for reconnection.   Do it for yourself.   Reconnect with yourself.   No matter what happens,  you are the only one that you will always have.   Maybe you will come back together,  maybe not.  But find your own joy.

On Monday,  I will have a double mastectomy.  My second go round with breast cancer.   So now my letting go is about giving up my breasts, my physical sense of womanhood.   But I choose to look ahead,  to focus on my future.   Every day is a blessing.   Let go of what weighs you down,  what keeps you in the past.

She Let Go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a
book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analise whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…
There’s only one Guru ~ you.
―Rev. Safire Rose

I'm sorry,  I don't remember how to link my old thread, can someone help?  Thank you!

Previous thread:
  • Logged
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 04:12:31 AM by Thunder »
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2843
  • Gender: Female
Re: Letting go
#1: October 10, 2019, 07:54:06 PM
You are in my thoughts and prayers NoEx. I am so blessed to have you in my life my beautiful cyber friend. Please keep us posted. ((Hugs)) 
  • Logged
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3322
  • Gender: Female
Re: Letting go
#2: October 11, 2019, 01:25:58 AM
Thanks for posting, NoE. Thinking of you as you face this difficult time once again. Big hugs xxxx
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10076
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Letting go
#3: October 11, 2019, 02:08:40 AM
Holding space for you my friend and praying for a smooth and successful surgery...
  • Logged
Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2424
  • Gender: Male
Re: Letting go
#4: October 11, 2019, 04:18:54 AM
Sending you strength and praying all goes well.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5334
  • Gender: Female
Re: Letting go
#5: October 11, 2019, 01:58:28 PM
Thank you so much NoEx for your beautiful and inspiring post, especially in light of the road ahead for you. I know you will conquer this too with beauty, grace, wisdom and a strength like so few others. I am praying for you my friend and beautiful sister warrior.
  • Logged
Me 48
H 47
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance



  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2310
  • Gender: Female
Re: Letting go
#6: October 11, 2019, 02:06:40 PM
Hugs, NoEx.
I had a double mastectomy almost two years ago now. 
Feel free to PM me at any point along the process, as there's lots of things that come up.
Wishing you all the best!
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3056
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Re: Letting go
#7: October 11, 2019, 02:11:30 PM

Thank you for posting.  I am cautiously optimistic, as my BD was only a month after yours (October 2016).  So the idea that yours may be out of the tunnel - just wow. 

But also like you — I have “no expectations.”

  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 16546
  • Gender: Female
Re: Letting go
#8: October 11, 2019, 03:09:38 PM
Thank you for posting, NoEx.

Wishing you all the best.

When you can, please keep us updated.
  • Logged
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1172
  • Gender: Female
Re: Letting go
#9: October 12, 2019, 12:37:09 PM
No ex

Will be thinking of you on Monday. I am glad your H has reconnected and you are rebuilding during this time so you have a peaceful mind and his support allowing you to concentrate on recovering.

Sending love 💕
Rose 🌹
  • Logged
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)


Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (, and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.