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Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Letting go

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My Story Rebuilding Letting go
OP: October 10, 2019, 07:28:54 PM
Bomb drop September 2016.  We were the "perfect couple ".  Almost never argued.   I'm super easy going.  I always assumed my h was the same.  Little did I know, he had a ticking time bomb inside him.  He was growing more stressed,  after I had breast cancer and then was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder.   It was too much for him.   Had an ea, then pa. 

Luckily,  he recognized after blowing us up and moving out, that he had work to do.  OW was short lived.  He went to a great therapist,  still going.  Moved back home a year and a half ago.   

We have reconnected and are rebuilding.   I love this new version of him, ever more every day.   I am so proud of him, the work he is doing and continues to do.   He still has work to do,  but so do I.  We have become much more honest with who we are,  more communicative.   

I will tell you,  so much of where we are, I believe,  has to do with letting go.   When bd happened,  I thought,  I don't know who I am without him.  I no longer was my own person,  I was only part of an US.  this site taught me so much,  it taught me to find ME.  To be true to myself.  To live as if he was never coming back.   If I hadn't found my own happiness,  my own joy, I'm not sure I would have been ready to allow him back,  to reconnect.   This site saved me.  If we had never reconnected,  I would have been fine, because of what I learned here.  But the irony is that once I truly let go, I believe that he sensed it, and was drawn back.  There is no faking it,  I had to truly let the rope drop.   

Wherever you are in the process,  trust the steps.   Don't fake it,  do the work for YOU.  Because you are worth it.  Don't do it hoping for reconnection.   Do it for yourself.   Reconnect with yourself.   No matter what happens,  you are the only one that you will always have.   Maybe you will come back together,  maybe not.  But find your own joy.

On Monday,  I will have a double mastectomy.  My second go round with breast cancer.   So now my letting go is about giving up my breasts, my physical sense of womanhood.   But I choose to look ahead,  to focus on my future.   Every day is a blessing.   Let go of what weighs you down,  what keeps you in the past.

She Let Go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a
book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analise whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…
There’s only one Guru ~ you.
―Rev. Safire Rose

I'm sorry,  I don't remember how to link my old thread, can someone help?  Thank you!


Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10274.0
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« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 04:12:31 AM by Thunder »
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

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Re: Letting go
#1: October 10, 2019, 07:54:06 PM
You are in my thoughts and prayers NoEx. I am so blessed to have you in my life my beautiful cyber friend. Please keep us posted. ((Hugs)) 
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Letting go
#2: October 11, 2019, 01:25:58 AM
Thanks for posting, NoE. Thinking of you as you face this difficult time once again. Big hugs xxxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Letting go
#3: October 11, 2019, 02:08:40 AM
Holding space for you my friend and praying for a smooth and successful surgery...
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Me - 56, xW - 50
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: Letting go
#4: October 11, 2019, 04:18:54 AM
Sending you strength and praying all goes well.
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Re: Letting go
#5: October 11, 2019, 01:58:28 PM
Thank you so much NoEx for your beautiful and inspiring post, especially in light of the road ahead for you. I know you will conquer this too with beauty, grace, wisdom and a strength like so few others. I am praying for you my friend and beautiful sister warrior.
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S13
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OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: Letting go
#6: October 11, 2019, 02:06:40 PM
Hugs, NoEx.
I had a double mastectomy almost two years ago now. 
Feel free to PM me at any point along the process, as there's lots of things that come up.
Wishing you all the best!
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Re: Letting go
#7: October 11, 2019, 02:11:30 PM
NoEx,

Thank you for posting.  I am cautiously optimistic, as my BD was only a month after yours (October 2016).  So the idea that yours may be out of the tunnel - just wow. 

But also like you — I have “no expectations.”

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Re: Letting go
#8: October 11, 2019, 03:09:38 PM
Thank you for posting, NoEx.

Wishing you all the best.

When you can, please keep us updated.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Letting go
#9: October 12, 2019, 12:37:09 PM
No ex

Will be thinking of you on Monday. I am glad your H has reconnected and you are rebuilding during this time so you have a peaceful mind and his support allowing you to concentrate on recovering.

Sending love 💕
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Letting go
#10: October 12, 2019, 07:37:59 PM
Good luck, NoEx.  I'll be thinking of you. 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: Letting go
#11: October 12, 2019, 08:40:48 PM
Good luck NoEx! Also thinking of you.
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Re: Letting go
#12: October 13, 2019, 03:42:30 AM
Just catching up on your thread, No Ex.

I was happy to see the dark purple icon.  Very happy for you two.   :)

I was sorry to hear about your operation.  I'll be prayer for good recovery.

{{{Big Hug}}}
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Letting go
#13: October 13, 2019, 04:02:08 AM
No ex
Thank you so much for your wise, inspiring post.

Wishing you the very best for tomorrow.
Sending you lots of strength and hugs, Loyal xx

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Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

"Surrender to what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be"

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Re: Letting go
#14: October 13, 2019, 11:39:50 AM
Thinking of you NoE. Sending you lots of love for tomorrow. xxxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Letting go
#15: October 13, 2019, 06:18:30 PM
Thinking about you tonight and saying a prayer for you!!
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Letting go
#16: October 13, 2019, 08:00:04 PM
Thank you everyone.  I am humbled by such an outpouring of love and support.   We've all been through so much together,  you are all truly my friends even though I've never met most of you.  I am a stronger and better person because of all of you.  Xoxo
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Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

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Re: Letting go
#17: October 13, 2019, 09:57:28 PM
No ex,

  You will be in my prayers tomorrow. Rest easy. Also, prayers for you surgeon that he may have steady hands.

Huggs,
Stand Tall
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: Letting go
#18: October 13, 2019, 10:02:48 PM
wishing you the best, noex
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me 56, H 52
S14, S10 & S10
M 1/98

7/16 - BD - PA - OW
Monster until 1/17
T&Gs until 8/18
No legal action

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Re: Letting go
#19: October 14, 2019, 04:38:41 AM
Hello,

Hugs and prayers for you today. So happy to see the purple icon as well.

(((((Ready)))))
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Re: Letting go
#20: October 14, 2019, 10:38:25 AM
Thinking of you today.
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Re: Letting go
#21: October 14, 2019, 12:00:40 PM
add me in too.

I'm always happy to see updates from you. God bless and keep in touch.
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Re: Letting go
#22: October 14, 2019, 03:29:36 PM
Hope everything went okay today.
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Re: Letting go
#23: October 15, 2019, 12:17:36 AM
Thinking of you, NoE.xxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Letting go
#24: October 15, 2019, 01:05:55 AM
In my prayers, dear girl x
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Letting go
#25: February 18, 2020, 06:39:18 PM
I haven't been here in so long.  My h is really doing well.  We are so strong now. I didn't know how he'd do with me having breast cancer but he is amazing.  He has now been home longer than he was gone. Life between us is so good.  He continues with counseling and goes with me to my appointments. 

I have one more chemo,  then hopefully will be back to work in March. This has been such a long tough road but I am looking forward to getting life back to normal.   I am very emotional but am trying very hard to focus on my blessings.  I have triple negative breast cancer which is the most aggressive and most likely for recurrence.   I am trying to live every day as best I can, but truth be told,  I am scared,   Scared of recurrence,  scared of metastasis.   I don't tell my h, my mother,  because I want them to be okay.   But my chance of metastasis is 25%.  1 in 4.  That is my reality. Metastasis typically occurs in the lungs or the brain,  both of which scare the hell out of me.  I want to see my grandbabies grow up.  I want to grow old with my h.

MLC sucks but cancer sucks so much worse.  Please continue to pray for me.   Thank you all for everything you've done for me.  I love you all.
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Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

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Re: Letting go
#26: February 19, 2020, 01:00:27 AM
Hi No Ex,
Glad to hear from you but sorry that you are facing this scare. That H has stepped up to the plate for you is wonderful news and I am so happy for you, despite the current prognosis. Having a 3 out of 4 chance that it is gone though is a good thing to focus on I think... Sending up a prayer for you ...
UM
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Letting go
#27: February 19, 2020, 01:25:36 AM
Dear, dear NoE, thank you for updating us on how well your H is continuing to do and how much you are loving having him at home again.

I'm very sorry that you are facing this aggressive cancer but glad you came here to share these fears. I agree with UM, a 1 in 4 chance that your kind of cancer can come back is not bad at all. I'm sure you're not the only one on here dealing with something like this whilst also trying to embrace the joys in every day. I think this is one of the most positive lessons we learn here after BD - to smell the flowers, and you have lots of them around you at the moment, not least these two grandchildren. I have no doubt that if anyone can pull through this it's you. You have been the most amazing, positive trouper through all you have had to face with your health, your mom, and MLC. Always that little girl smile on your face.

Fear seems to carry many angles. You fear not growing old with your H, not seeing your grandkids grow up, but you got to have grandkids, and your H came home. He's beside you and hugging you through all this. It's human to be looking at what we're missing out on (the greener grass) than to see what we have right here today and tomorrow.

Sending you hugs and strength. We are all here for you. xxxxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Letting go
#28: February 19, 2020, 01:45:11 AM
Agree with everything UM and Milly said. You are always in our prayers whether you post or not. X

I am glad that, amongst the fears and tough things, there are also things that you are grateful for and that your h has been able to support you in ways that you feared he would not, NoEx. What I did think though reading your update - whilst I understand the reasons why you would not share some of these feelings with your h or your mother - there is a fine awkward line between protecting others and dealing with the normal realities of how you feel in a way which focuses on your self-care needs. Do you have someplace else or someone else to listen if you need to talk through this stuff? A good friend? A cancer support group? An HS chum with similar experience who will listen offline? An IC?

People deal with these normal and understandable feelings in different ways of course, but if you feel a need to be heard, I hope you will accept that it is ok if you do, that it may be part of managing your overall health and that it is ok to find a safe place to do that which might not involve your family.
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« Last Edit: February 19, 2020, 01:46:55 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Letting go
#29: February 19, 2020, 04:34:21 AM
Hello,

Nothing but prayers from me to you. I am so glad that your H has been your rock and continues to be the rock. 

((((hugs)))

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Re: Letting go
#30: February 19, 2020, 06:01:07 AM
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) NoEx.
I will pray for you...

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My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Letting go
#31: February 19, 2020, 06:24:47 AM
Glad to hear from you and that things are so good with your husband. Thanks for taking the time to come back and share that.

I would also be scared and anxious about this aggressive type of breast cancer. You will be carefully monitored and I am always hopeful of what science will come up with. So praying for your peace and that you are receiving the best treatment possible.

I have become much more aware that none of us know what today will bring really..enjoy each day with your love and grandbabies. It truly is a lesson for us all.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Letting go
#32: February 19, 2020, 07:24:44 AM
No Ex, I will you be in my prayers every day.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.

{{Big Warm Hug}}
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Letting go
#33: February 19, 2020, 10:31:33 AM
Keeping you in prayer No Ex. 
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Re: Letting go
#34: February 19, 2020, 01:23:58 PM
NoEx you are such a kind and gentle soul. I hate that you are having to deal with this crap right now. (But so happy H has risen to the occasion to be there for you and that you are able to lean on him)

Mine was triple positive--and I am still terrified it still lingers somewhere in my body.   You are right, cancer does suck worse than MLC. You are in my prayers every day.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: Letting go
#35: February 19, 2020, 06:40:11 PM
Sending prayers. I am sorry.
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BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

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Re: Letting go
#36: February 22, 2020, 07:53:19 AM
NoEx - you've not been forgotten here.   You remain in our thoughts and prayers. 

I so enjoy seeing the pics on FB of your darling grandchildren.   

Know that you have support and encouragement from your friends here. 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2452
  • Gender: Female
Letting go
#37: February 29, 2020, 05:42:40 PM
Hey NoEx, I have not been here much either.

I'm sorry about the cancer and the double mastectomy.  I will say a prayer for you right now!
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 41
  • Gender: Female
  • Need strength and hope
Letting go
#38: May 12, 2020, 10:20:37 PM
Thinking of u, I had leukemia 8 years ago with a 50/50 chance to live more than 2 years. I am still here❤️ Now trying to do the lessons once again regaining sanity and strength with a in-live MLC. You seem like such strong, loving person. What helped me the most through the sickness and the SCT I had was being grateful for everything good in my life. Stay strong u can do this❤️❤️❤️
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Hope

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 217
Letting go
#39: May 13, 2020, 04:58:04 AM
Hi No-Ex-

I must have missed this one.  I hope you're doing well. I can't even imagine going through these types of things you survivors have especially dab smack pre or post divorce.  My medical journey was hard even with a loving spouse here.  My heart and prayers go out to you and all the survivors.  Big hugs today.  Hope you came through this.  God Bless!! GGG
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3
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5412
  • Gender: Female
Letting go
#40: May 21, 2020, 07:06:12 AM
Sending strength and prayers NoEx!
(((hugs)))
31andcounting
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Hurting people hurt people :(

S
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1639
  • Gender: Female
Letting go
#41: June 06, 2020, 02:22:33 PM
NoEx -
Thinking about you.
Let us know how you are doing.

Hugs and prayers.
Sea
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

M
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  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3407
  • Gender: Female
Re: Letting go
#42: June 07, 2020, 05:06:31 AM
Me, too, I've been thinking of you NoE. Do let us know how things are going.xxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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