Author Topic: My Story New To Forum But Not To MLC  (Read 504 times)

Offline MabelTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story New To Forum But Not To MLC
« on: October 11, 2019, 02:04:32 AM »
Hello.  As you can see from the title of my story, whilst I'm a newbie to this forum, I'm not new to MLC.  I'm almost three and a half years in.  I feel so terribly alone on this journey and have nobody in RL to talk to about MLC and am absolutely desperate to be able to share with people who 'get it'.

I've long since read everything I can get my hands on about MLC - just to try and make at least a bit of sense of it all and understand what happened to my husband and my marriage.  For some reason, I came across this forum again a couple of weeks ago and have spent hours poring over your stories.  They've brought me tears.  Right there in front of me, in black and white, from people from all walks of life and across the globe, is essentially the same script, over and over and over again.  It's given me a huge sense of validation all over again (when I was seriously beginning to question my own sanity) and I cannot thank you enough.  Consider yourselves all a little bit wonderful.  :)

The bare bones of my story so far ...

Me (47) (44 at BD)
XH (50) (47 at BD)
Met in 1993
Married in 1998 (Valentines Day - insert eye rolling emoji here!)
S20, D18
BD 19th May 2016 (Announced he had been having an affair for six weeks with woman (29) he had worked with for 8 years but never previously given second glance.)
Further BDs to follow but that was the first, cataclysmic one when the bottom dropped out of my world.
Moved in with PA two weeks later.  Still there.
Divorced 12th June 2018 (25 years and 3 days after first kiss)

I will pad my story out in a following post because, trust me, there is a lot of padding.

There have been a few 'developments' in the last month or so which I'd love your input on and you may even find quite insightful as far as MLC is concerned.

Thank you so much for reading. x


Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2019, 02:18:39 AM »
Attaching Mabel,

You appear to be far enough down the track that the initial cautions regarding finances, etc. are not going to be helpful ......

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2019, 02:40:03 AM »
Smiled at your comment about 'a little bit wonderful'  :)
Yes, it was a tremdous gift to me too if only to feel reassured that I was neither insane or delusional. (Or if I was I was in good company lol)

Tell us a bit more about your own bones, Mabel, bc I am sure there is much more to you than the 'bare bones' of your MLC story.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MabelTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2019, 05:38:03 AM »
Ursa Major and Treasur, thank you so much for replying.  I feel a little starstruck - not only have I read both of your stories but you're both so prolific and offer such wise counsel to others.  :)

May I ask your advice/input?  I want to be completely transparent from the offset but I'm incredibly nervous.  You see, I had an MLC (albeit MUCH milder than my XH's) and I truly believe that that may have been one of the main catalysts for my XH's MLC.  (Note that I say 'catalyst' not 'cause'.)

It has taken re-examining my own MLC, three and a half years of my XH's MLC, a lot of research and soul-searching, and a year of counselling to understand that I wasn't responsible for my husband's MLC and he wasn't responsible for my mine.

Why am I nervous?  I think because I spent quite a long time thinking I deserved everything he threw (and continues to throw) at me.  The guilt and feeling that I was being punished on top of the heartbreak and devastation of his MLC, nearly killed me.  Twice.  I desperately want everyone to know that I walk the same journey and feel the torment of MLC every bit as much as every other LBS.  The only difference is, I suppose, that I have a bit more of an insight into an MLCer's mind.  It doesn't lessen the pain though, believe me.  I'm a little worried there might be those who think I am less-deserving of support?  I yearn to talk with other LBSs; it has been a terribly lonely journey so far.

I have found a letter I wrote to my XH one month after he delivered his bomb.  In it, I detail how I had felt in MLC and how I understood what he was going through.  Should I share excerpts on here?  I also know quite a bit about the mindset of an MLCer, having been one. If you think that sharing my own experience and recollections of my MLC might help just one person, I would be more than happy to pay it forward.

Offline Treasur

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2019, 06:02:06 AM »
Ah dear girl, please be reassured that you are not the only person here to have experienced their own MLC. Far from it. I'm not sure anyone would see you as less deserving of support but sometimes as you might see on the ShockSis thread, people might press you for answers or discussions that you're not yet ready to share perhaps. Or filter your experience through their own. We're just standard imperfect humans here after all  :)

So fwiw my advice is to share what serves you best, to focus on what you need right now first. When you feel strong enough to 'pay it forward' without nervousness, you'll know....

What made you decide to post now, Mabel?
And what do you feel you need that you might get here?

Ps if my value was measured in words ha ha, then you'd be right to feel 'star struck' lol....I am VERY wordy. :)...but quantity is not always quality of course. Whereas UM brings pictures and pithy sayings! But there are lots of different good folks here and lots of wisdom and kindness too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2019, 06:12:51 AM »
Jumping on!!!

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2019, 06:19:51 AM »
Welcome Mabel.

There are quiet a few ex MLCers on here, who are now LBS so you are not alone. :)

I am sure everyone would love to have any insight you are willing to share to help piece together the other side of the puzzle so to speak.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Wilderheart

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2019, 06:21:43 AM »
Attaching

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2019, 06:27:08 AM »
Mabel,

I fully concur with Treasur... If it is good for you to share parts of your experience, then by all means but, at the same time, ONLY if it is good for you. there is no expectation to air your dirty laundry here...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2019, 06:43:30 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

 

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