Author Topic: My Story New To Forum But Not To MLC  (Read 501 times)

Offline MabelTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story New To Forum But Not To MLC
« on: October 11, 2019, 02:04:32 AM »
Hello.  As you can see from the title of my story, whilst I'm a newbie to this forum, I'm not new to MLC.  I'm almost three and a half years in.  I feel so terribly alone on this journey and have nobody in RL to talk to about MLC and am absolutely desperate to be able to share with people who 'get it'.

I've long since read everything I can get my hands on about MLC - just to try and make at least a bit of sense of it all and understand what happened to my husband and my marriage.  For some reason, I came across this forum again a couple of weeks ago and have spent hours poring over your stories.  They've brought me tears.  Right there in front of me, in black and white, from people from all walks of life and across the globe, is essentially the same script, over and over and over again.  It's given me a huge sense of validation all over again (when I was seriously beginning to question my own sanity) and I cannot thank you enough.  Consider yourselves all a little bit wonderful.  :)

The bare bones of my story so far ...

Me (47) (44 at BD)
XH (50) (47 at BD)
Met in 1993
Married in 1998 (Valentines Day - insert eye rolling emoji here!)
S20, D18
BD 19th May 2016 (Announced he had been having an affair for six weeks with woman (29) he had worked with for 8 years but never previously given second glance.)
Further BDs to follow but that was the first, cataclysmic one when the bottom dropped out of my world.
Moved in with PA two weeks later.  Still there.
Divorced 12th June 2018 (25 years and 3 days after first kiss)

I will pad my story out in a following post because, trust me, there is a lot of padding.

There have been a few 'developments' in the last month or so which I'd love your input on and you may even find quite insightful as far as MLC is concerned.

Thank you so much for reading. x


Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2019, 02:18:39 AM »
Attaching Mabel,

You appear to be far enough down the track that the initial cautions regarding finances, etc. are not going to be helpful ......

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2019, 02:40:03 AM »
Smiled at your comment about 'a little bit wonderful'  :)
Yes, it was a tremdous gift to me too if only to feel reassured that I was neither insane or delusional. (Or if I was I was in good company lol)

Tell us a bit more about your own bones, Mabel, bc I am sure there is much more to you than the 'bare bones' of your MLC story.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MabelTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2019, 05:38:03 AM »
Ursa Major and Treasur, thank you so much for replying.  I feel a little starstruck - not only have I read both of your stories but you're both so prolific and offer such wise counsel to others.  :)

May I ask your advice/input?  I want to be completely transparent from the offset but I'm incredibly nervous.  You see, I had an MLC (albeit MUCH milder than my XH's) and I truly believe that that may have been one of the main catalysts for my XH's MLC.  (Note that I say 'catalyst' not 'cause'.)

It has taken re-examining my own MLC, three and a half years of my XH's MLC, a lot of research and soul-searching, and a year of counselling to understand that I wasn't responsible for my husband's MLC and he wasn't responsible for my mine.

Why am I nervous?  I think because I spent quite a long time thinking I deserved everything he threw (and continues to throw) at me.  The guilt and feeling that I was being punished on top of the heartbreak and devastation of his MLC, nearly killed me.  Twice.  I desperately want everyone to know that I walk the same journey and feel the torment of MLC every bit as much as every other LBS.  The only difference is, I suppose, that I have a bit more of an insight into an MLCer's mind.  It doesn't lessen the pain though, believe me.  I'm a little worried there might be those who think I am less-deserving of support?  I yearn to talk with other LBSs; it has been a terribly lonely journey so far.

I have found a letter I wrote to my XH one month after he delivered his bomb.  In it, I detail how I had felt in MLC and how I understood what he was going through.  Should I share excerpts on here?  I also know quite a bit about the mindset of an MLCer, having been one. If you think that sharing my own experience and recollections of my MLC might help just one person, I would be more than happy to pay it forward.

Offline Treasur

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2019, 06:02:06 AM »
Ah dear girl, please be reassured that you are not the only person here to have experienced their own MLC. Far from it. I'm not sure anyone would see you as less deserving of support but sometimes as you might see on the ShockSis thread, people might press you for answers or discussions that you're not yet ready to share perhaps. Or filter your experience through their own. We're just standard imperfect humans here after all  :)

So fwiw my advice is to share what serves you best, to focus on what you need right now first. When you feel strong enough to 'pay it forward' without nervousness, you'll know....

What made you decide to post now, Mabel?
And what do you feel you need that you might get here?

Ps if my value was measured in words ha ha, then you'd be right to feel 'star struck' lol....I am VERY wordy. :)...but quantity is not always quality of course. Whereas UM brings pictures and pithy sayings! But there are lots of different good folks here and lots of wisdom and kindness too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2019, 06:12:51 AM »
Jumping on!!!

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2019, 06:19:51 AM »
Welcome Mabel.

There are quiet a few ex MLCers on here, who are now LBS so you are not alone. :)

I am sure everyone would love to have any insight you are willing to share to help piece together the other side of the puzzle so to speak.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Wilderheart

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2019, 06:21:43 AM »
Attaching

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2019, 06:27:08 AM »
Mabel,

I fully concur with Treasur... If it is good for you to share parts of your experience, then by all means but, at the same time, ONLY if it is good for you. there is no expectation to air your dirty laundry here...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2019, 06:43:30 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2019, 06:53:41 AM »
Mabel-Those who have been both MLCers and LBSes tend to have a special insight into MLC and I find them to be very valuable contributors to the forum.

But this is a support forum for LBSes, and the threads belonging to someone who is only an MLCer are a bit of an anomaly and the turmoil going on over there on those threads should not give you a general impression about the rest of the forum. This is a place where you will find people who understand and support you.

My BD was just a couple weeks before yours so we are on a similar timeline.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2019, 07:16:05 AM »
Following along!  You are no less deserving of support than anyone else here.  In fact, it seems you’ve had a double whammy of tragedy.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline MabelTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2019, 07:56:44 AM »
Oh, thank you all so much.  I didn't realise there were other MLCers who had become LBSs too.  Your kind welcome has rendered me a bit of a heap.  Gah!

Umm, I think a few things have led me to starting my own thread on here.  Firstly, the overwhelming desire to be among people who understand that MLC is far more than getting a tattoo and trading the family car in for a Porsche.  As I said, I have nobody in RL to talk to about it.  Three years down the line, people tend to expect you to have drawn a line under your failed marriage and moved on.  But as we are all too well aware, three years is nothing really in the ever-changing, ever-evolving journey of both MLC and LBS.

Secondly, as I alluded to in my first post, there have been a few changes in my XH over the past couple of months that I'm finding hard to process in my own mind and work out how to respond to, if at all.  There has been a definite shift (which I'm sure is not just a cycle) that I'd love your thoughts on.  Both of these reasons brought me to this forum.

Since then, I've been lurking and reading other people's diaries and there have been sooooo many occasions where I have wanted to reach out and offer a cyber hug in support.  Or gentle advice.  Or perhaps an insight.  Or ask my own questions.  I can see the strength you all get from each other and it's made me yearn to be part of it.  I'm not terribly sure why but I've been feeling particularly alone recently.

And then I stumbled across ShocksSis posts and they affected me quite profoundly.  Not as much what she kindly shared (there are very distinct similarities in our MLC accounts but also definite differences), but the reaction of those who replied.  It seemed to give a lot of hope/understanding/comfort (not sure I've done a very good job of articulating this bit) to so many people and, from what I've seen, nobody wanted to tar and feather her for being an MLCer!  That made me wonder if I could possibly share my own thoughts and experiences.  It's taken me a couple of days of dithering and deciding.

This morning, I took a deep breath and opened my own thread ...

Offline Acorn

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2019, 08:46:54 AM »
 Dear Mabel, welcome to HS!  I hope you find it as helpful as I did and still do.  :)

As for sharing your MLC experience, if I may share my thoughts, please.

Being LBS is a job and a half.  There is a lot to ponder, learn, heal and grow.  If a particular MLC experience is relevant when you are describing your LBS experience, by all means.  Focussing on your LBS-hood is paramount in my view.  You can walk only one path at a time... 

As you have seen in Shock Sis’ thread, we’ve had a thousand and one questions for her.  Some are about her headspace while in MLC.   Others have asked her to look into their own MLCer’s head or predict the outcome of the crisis/relationship.  In other words, they were requests for her to be a psychic and a fortuneteller.  Or, a god of sorts...  You don’t need that kind of pressure and distraction, Mabel, if I could boldly suggest.

As for your MLCer showing some positive signs, time will tell if it is going to develop into something significant or just a blip on radar.   Watch for his actions.  Yes, his words are significant, but only in the capacity of being the preparatory step to actions.  I believe that words without deeds are worthless.  I sincerely hope he summons up his courage and strength and follow up with consistent actions week after week, month after month. 

Just my 2 cents’ worth.

Some hugs for you!  ((((((((((HUGS))))))))
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 08:48:29 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2019, 08:49:59 AM »
So Mabel...  here you are with "us" and I warmly welcome you. I can "feel" something about you and I just like you a lot...already! That just a good thing and I am going to follow along with you and be your friend. Just keep writing, asking and accepting the support and kindness that is offered here . Your days of feeling alone in this are behind you !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #15 on: October 11, 2019, 08:53:40 AM »
Quote
As you have seen in Shock Sis’ thread, we’ve had a thousand and one questions for her.  Some are about her headspace while in MLC.   Others have asked her to look into their own MLCer’s head or predict the outcome of the crisis/relationship.  In other words, they were requests for her to be a psychic and a fortuneteller.  Or, a god of sorts...  You don’t need that kind of pressure and distraction, Mabel, if I could boldly suggest.
.

Every word from Song could have came out my mouth ( or hand ) . I agree 100 % ( boldly)   
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online Surviving2019

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #16 on: October 11, 2019, 09:11:49 AM »
  Firstly, the overwhelming desire to be among people who understand that MLC is far more than getting a tattoo and trading the family car in for a Porsche.  As I said, I have nobody in RL to talk to about it.  Three years down the line, people tend to expect you to have drawn a line under your failed marriage and moved on.  But as we are all too well aware, three years is nothing really in the ever-changing, ever-evolving journey of both MLC and LBS.


Oh my how accurate this is! I'm only 2 years down this road with a false return a few months ago. Everyone in my day to day life tells me I should be moving on....*sigh* it's definitely tough. Hugs to you.

Offline Milly

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2019, 09:42:58 AM »
Hi Mabel, and welcome. I'm glad you found the courage to post, I lurked for 3 years, too. It's so comforting to be able to come here and air your thoughts, or just get stuff off your chest. Everyone understands what you're going through.

You are not the only LBS who has had a MLC as others have already said. One spouse's MLC is often the trigger for the other spouse's MLC. I personally, would love to hear your thoughts from the other side. I don't want to pressure you, but whatever you wish to share about your time in crisis would be very helpful for me.

Take care. When you have time, please also share the stuff going on with your H.
A big welcome hug xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline MabelTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2019, 09:51:12 AM »
Acorn and barbie doll, hello!  Thank you both for your warm welcomes.  You are absolutely right and offer extremely wise advice.  Above anything else, I consider myself an LBS.  The fact that I had an MLC doesn't fast-track me any further along this hideous journey or make me any better or worse at knowing how to deal with it.  I have flailed, beaten my chest in despair and broken all the rules, like the best of them!!

In fact, to back up what you both recommend, since even writing my above post, I've seen some negativity on ShocksSis' feed and it's given me the heebie jeebies.  When I mention my own MLC, I will go to great pains to point out that whilst there are undeniable similarities in each MLC, there are also stark differences.  My experience is my own.  I don't know the answers and if ever I give the impression I do, you have my permission to give me a virtual boot up the bum!

I'm gearing myself up to write my LBS story.  Given that I'm three years in, it's a bit lengthy and I'm not the best at being succinct but I'll do my best.

Oh and just as a little aside, this is all a bit strange (but very liberating) - to actually see my thoughts written down after having had them swirl around my head for so long.

Thank you all again for being so nice.  It's 5:45pm on Friday evening and I'm off to pour a glass of wine.  I suddenly feel quite lifted. x

Offline Acorn

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #19 on: October 11, 2019, 11:13:30 AM »
 
Mabel, like Barbie, I felt positive vibes in your posts.  Maybe it’s your humility and emotional maturity.  They often go together.  That, to me, means that you are much less likely to be defensive, deflect, blame, stonewall, or lash out at honest and frank comments, opinion and advices, should they come your way.  I guess you did enough of that during your crisis and left them behind in the tunnel!  Your attitude will serve you well.  Not for your relationship outcome as such, but for your own healing and further growth.  I’m sure of it.   :)

Look forward to hearing more about your background story.

« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 11:15:13 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Nas

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #20 on: October 11, 2019, 11:55:01 AM »
Welcome, Mabel.  I don't post often anymore but am following your new thread and think you will find this forum extremely supportive and helpful to you.  You sound very self-aware, and I echo the sentiment that your contribution as an MLCer and an LBS will both be equally welcome. 
In terms of timeline, I'm a little bit ahead of you.  I'm sorry you find yourself in the position of LBS, but glad you found this place to tell your story!
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #21 on: October 11, 2019, 01:48:35 PM »
Welcome Mabel. Happy you found this site (although not the circumstances). My BD was also May 2016. Seems like yesterday, and yet also strangely, seems like a lifetime ago. Like you, I think I had a MLT just prior to BD.  I also have 2 extremely important people in my life who are just getting over their MLCs (sister and a bff). So definitely no judgment here.

Anyway, just letting you know we are here. And glad you have some troops to bounce ideas off--it truly has been a lifeline for me.

Enjoy your Friday night wine. I'm about 5 hours away from having mine. ;)
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #22 on: October 11, 2019, 03:17:50 PM »
Hello and welcome, Mabel.

I want to be completely transparent from the offset but I'm incredibly nervous.  You see, I had an MLC (albeit MUCH milder than my XH's) and I truly believe that that may have been one of the main catalysts for my XH's MLC.  (Note that I say 'catalyst' not 'cause'.)

Another that had a MLC, albeit much, much milder than Mr J's one. Mine come with BD.

The only difference is, I suppose, that I have a bit more of an insight into an MLCer's mind.  It doesn't lessen the pain though, believe me.  I'm a little worried there might be those who think I am less-deserving of support?  I yearn to talk with other LBSs; it has been a terribly lonely journey so far.


I have a bit of insight into a MLCers mind, but at a point I stop having a clue about what is going on with a MLCer like Mr J. Two totally different beasts.

You are not less deserving of support, you're a LBS yourself.

I have found a letter I wrote to my XH one month after he delivered his bomb.  In it, I detail how I had felt in MLC and how I understood what he was going through.  Should I share excerpts on here? 

Yes, please.

I also know quite a bit about the mindset of an MLCer, having been one. If you think that sharing my own experience and recollections of my MLC might help just one person, I would be more than happy to pay it forward.

You're welcome to do so.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Wilderheart

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #23 on: October 14, 2019, 07:04:03 AM »
Hi Mabel attaching

 

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