Author Topic: My Story New To Forum But Not To MLC  (Read 502 times)

Offline Not Your Monkey

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My Story Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2019, 06:53:41 AM »
Mabel-Those who have been both MLCers and LBSes tend to have a special insight into MLC and I find them to be very valuable contributors to the forum.

But this is a support forum for LBSes, and the threads belonging to someone who is only an MLCer are a bit of an anomaly and the turmoil going on over there on those threads should not give you a general impression about the rest of the forum. This is a place where you will find people who understand and support you.

My BD was just a couple weeks before yours so we are on a similar timeline.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2019, 07:16:05 AM »
Following along!  You are no less deserving of support than anyone else here.  In fact, it seems you’ve had a double whammy of tragedy.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline MabelTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2019, 07:56:44 AM »
Oh, thank you all so much.  I didn't realise there were other MLCers who had become LBSs too.  Your kind welcome has rendered me a bit of a heap.  Gah!

Umm, I think a few things have led me to starting my own thread on here.  Firstly, the overwhelming desire to be among people who understand that MLC is far more than getting a tattoo and trading the family car in for a Porsche.  As I said, I have nobody in RL to talk to about it.  Three years down the line, people tend to expect you to have drawn a line under your failed marriage and moved on.  But as we are all too well aware, three years is nothing really in the ever-changing, ever-evolving journey of both MLC and LBS.

Secondly, as I alluded to in my first post, there have been a few changes in my XH over the past couple of months that I'm finding hard to process in my own mind and work out how to respond to, if at all.  There has been a definite shift (which I'm sure is not just a cycle) that I'd love your thoughts on.  Both of these reasons brought me to this forum.

Since then, I've been lurking and reading other people's diaries and there have been sooooo many occasions where I have wanted to reach out and offer a cyber hug in support.  Or gentle advice.  Or perhaps an insight.  Or ask my own questions.  I can see the strength you all get from each other and it's made me yearn to be part of it.  I'm not terribly sure why but I've been feeling particularly alone recently.

And then I stumbled across ShocksSis posts and they affected me quite profoundly.  Not as much what she kindly shared (there are very distinct similarities in our MLC accounts but also definite differences), but the reaction of those who replied.  It seemed to give a lot of hope/understanding/comfort (not sure I've done a very good job of articulating this bit) to so many people and, from what I've seen, nobody wanted to tar and feather her for being an MLCer!  That made me wonder if I could possibly share my own thoughts and experiences.  It's taken me a couple of days of dithering and deciding.

This morning, I took a deep breath and opened my own thread ...

Offline Acorn

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2019, 08:46:54 AM »
 Dear Mabel, welcome to HS!  I hope you find it as helpful as I did and still do.  :)

As for sharing your MLC experience, if I may share my thoughts, please.

Being LBS is a job and a half.  There is a lot to ponder, learn, heal and grow.  If a particular MLC experience is relevant when you are describing your LBS experience, by all means.  Focussing on your LBS-hood is paramount in my view.  You can walk only one path at a time... 

As you have seen in Shock Sis’ thread, we’ve had a thousand and one questions for her.  Some are about her headspace while in MLC.   Others have asked her to look into their own MLCer’s head or predict the outcome of the crisis/relationship.  In other words, they were requests for her to be a psychic and a fortuneteller.  Or, a god of sorts...  You don’t need that kind of pressure and distraction, Mabel, if I could boldly suggest.

As for your MLCer showing some positive signs, time will tell if it is going to develop into something significant or just a blip on radar.   Watch for his actions.  Yes, his words are significant, but only in the capacity of being the preparatory step to actions.  I believe that words without deeds are worthless.  I sincerely hope he summons up his courage and strength and follow up with consistent actions week after week, month after month. 

Just my 2 cents’ worth.

Some hugs for you!  ((((((((((HUGS))))))))
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 08:48:29 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2019, 08:49:59 AM »
So Mabel...  here you are with "us" and I warmly welcome you. I can "feel" something about you and I just like you a lot...already! That just a good thing and I am going to follow along with you and be your friend. Just keep writing, asking and accepting the support and kindness that is offered here . Your days of feeling alone in this are behind you !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #15 on: October 11, 2019, 08:53:40 AM »
Quote
As you have seen in Shock Sis’ thread, we’ve had a thousand and one questions for her.  Some are about her headspace while in MLC.   Others have asked her to look into their own MLCer’s head or predict the outcome of the crisis/relationship.  In other words, they were requests for her to be a psychic and a fortuneteller.  Or, a god of sorts...  You don’t need that kind of pressure and distraction, Mabel, if I could boldly suggest.
.

Every word from Song could have came out my mouth ( or hand ) . I agree 100 % ( boldly)   
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online Surviving2019

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #16 on: October 11, 2019, 09:11:49 AM »
  Firstly, the overwhelming desire to be among people who understand that MLC is far more than getting a tattoo and trading the family car in for a Porsche.  As I said, I have nobody in RL to talk to about it.  Three years down the line, people tend to expect you to have drawn a line under your failed marriage and moved on.  But as we are all too well aware, three years is nothing really in the ever-changing, ever-evolving journey of both MLC and LBS.


Oh my how accurate this is! I'm only 2 years down this road with a false return a few months ago. Everyone in my day to day life tells me I should be moving on....*sigh* it's definitely tough. Hugs to you.

Offline Milly

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2019, 09:42:58 AM »
Hi Mabel, and welcome. I'm glad you found the courage to post, I lurked for 3 years, too. It's so comforting to be able to come here and air your thoughts, or just get stuff off your chest. Everyone understands what you're going through.

You are not the only LBS who has had a MLC as others have already said. One spouse's MLC is often the trigger for the other spouse's MLC. I personally, would love to hear your thoughts from the other side. I don't want to pressure you, but whatever you wish to share about your time in crisis would be very helpful for me.

Take care. When you have time, please also share the stuff going on with your H.
A big welcome hug xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline MabelTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2019, 09:51:12 AM »
Acorn and barbie doll, hello!  Thank you both for your warm welcomes.  You are absolutely right and offer extremely wise advice.  Above anything else, I consider myself an LBS.  The fact that I had an MLC doesn't fast-track me any further along this hideous journey or make me any better or worse at knowing how to deal with it.  I have flailed, beaten my chest in despair and broken all the rules, like the best of them!!

In fact, to back up what you both recommend, since even writing my above post, I've seen some negativity on ShocksSis' feed and it's given me the heebie jeebies.  When I mention my own MLC, I will go to great pains to point out that whilst there are undeniable similarities in each MLC, there are also stark differences.  My experience is my own.  I don't know the answers and if ever I give the impression I do, you have my permission to give me a virtual boot up the bum!

I'm gearing myself up to write my LBS story.  Given that I'm three years in, it's a bit lengthy and I'm not the best at being succinct but I'll do my best.

Oh and just as a little aside, this is all a bit strange (but very liberating) - to actually see my thoughts written down after having had them swirl around my head for so long.

Thank you all again for being so nice.  It's 5:45pm on Friday evening and I'm off to pour a glass of wine.  I suddenly feel quite lifted. x

Offline Acorn

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Re: New To Forum But Not To MLC
« Reply #19 on: October 11, 2019, 11:13:30 AM »
 
Mabel, like Barbie, I felt positive vibes in your posts.  Maybe it’s your humility and emotional maturity.  They often go together.  That, to me, means that you are much less likely to be defensive, deflect, blame, stonewall, or lash out at honest and frank comments, opinion and advices, should they come your way.  I guess you did enough of that during your crisis and left them behind in the tunnel!  Your attitude will serve you well.  Not for your relationship outcome as such, but for your own healing and further growth.  I’m sure of it.   :)

Look forward to hearing more about your background story.

« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 11:15:13 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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