Author Topic: My Story 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks  (Read 2724 times)

Online sachat3

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My Story Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #80 on: November 08, 2019, 04:07:22 AM »
Agreed UM. I used to contact him on non contact days. Not for pointless stuff. Still kid related and fairly important. Bhr then I realised, even with the important important stuff, such as D3 hospital appointments. He sees the kids every Tuesday Thursday Saturday and every other Sunday. Worst case the letter comes on a non contact day. It can wait till contact day. It’s just better for me that way. Until the kids are old enough for a phone or their own and can communicate that way.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #81 on: November 08, 2019, 06:39:33 AM »
Exactly—NC for me is a modified one because of S13. Of course H doesn’t really have anything to do with him so that makes it easier. I tried to hide upstairs one day (when H cones in the am to take S to school)  but realized I needed to help S get off to school. When I went downstairs I saw that S had left half the stuff he needed for school at home and H has no clue. So I suck it up. Good news is His such a mess that he really only manages to get here 2 days max to take S. The other days he may send a text with the “Running late “ bs. Sometimes nothing. So I never know if he’s coming. Sucks but truly nothing I can do on thAt one—tried to establish a rule but I can’t make him be a responsible adult.  So I just don’t respond to those silly texts now—one lame excuse after another—traffic, sick, over slept, car trouble, dog ate my suit—-yada yada yada.  I just plan on taking S to school every am and if he shows up, he shows up. I don’t tell him not to come even for my own emotional health be it is literally the only time S sees him one on one....those five minutes in the am 2 days a week. Actually breaks my heart just writing that.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #82 on: November 08, 2019, 10:00:17 AM »
H picked up S13 this am. Told me he had a "Lacrosse Meeting" on Sunday so he couldn't get S13 for practice that day. I simply repeated after him, "Lacrosse meeting." And walked into the kitchen. He follows me--running actually with, "No, I really do have a meeting." Ummmm yeah right. Now I really don't believe you. OMG. A meeting for lacrosse coaches. 3 months prior to the real season even starting. On a Sunday. On a holiday weekend. Yeah. OK H. Have fun this weekend living your best life. Why must they lie? It is just so juvenile. He must think I am a complete idiot.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline 3Boys4Me

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #83 on: November 08, 2019, 11:14:31 AM »
Ohhhhh, because the lie. They lie about everything, things they don’t need to lie about. It becomes second nature - this has been one of the hardest things for me. I value honestly above most all else in terms of virtue - H knew this very well, and it likely contributed to his running behaviors, in April 2017 I caught him in his first lies and it snowballed from there until October when OW was exposed - he continues to lie these last two years. Our D is final, he lies. About everything - he lied yesterday so he could go away with the OW on a sports weekend with her son when my kids needed his help this weekend - it doesn’t make any sense, they lie, project, etc. I am so sorry it is happening to you...
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online sachat3

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #84 on: November 09, 2019, 03:19:08 AM »
I also wonder why they lie so much. Clington planned to move out a few weekends ago. Fine by me. Then it didn’t happen. He told me last week he wasn’t moving for about two weeks (note BIL is on holiday for two weeks so a spare house to see kids etc!) except, they got the keys to the new house a week ago and moved in 🤷🏽‍♀️ Why he felt the need to lie I will never know. Especially when he knows I’ll find out? Bizarre. I can only assume that they lie and they lie and they lie. They lie so much they believe themselves so they don’t even realise they are lying.

The sad thing is, maybe he really really really does have a meeting (slim chance I know) hut it’s boy who cried wolf. He’s lied so much that you will never know when he tells the truth. For me the worst part about lying is he’s doing it so much D8 is copying him. Lying about the most pointless things!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #85 on: November 11, 2019, 07:28:08 AM »
I also wonder why they lie so much. Clington planned to move out a few weekends ago. Fine by me. Then it didn’t happen. He told me last week he wasn’t moving for about two weeks (note BIL is on holiday for two weeks so a spare house to see kids etc!) except, they got the keys to the new house a week ago and moved in 🤷🏽‍♀️ Why he felt the need to lie I will never know. Especially when he knows I’ll find out? Bizarre. I can only assume that they lie and they lie and they lie. They lie so much they believe themselves so they don’t even realise they are lying.

The sad thing is, maybe he really really really does have a meeting (slim chance I know) hut it’s boy who cried wolf. He’s lied so much that you will never know when he tells the truth. For me the worst part about lying is he’s doing it so much D8 is copying him. Lying about the most pointless things!

But with D8, you can call her out on it and use it as a Life Example or a Teaching Moment...

Mid-Lifers on the other hand?
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #86 on: November 11, 2019, 04:39:27 PM »
Ugh, I hate to hear your son is copying the lying behaviors.  I often worry about what this whole crisis has taught my boys.  Lying, cheating, all the selfish behaviors... it makes me so sad.  I was a basket case for a long time but I always tried my hardest to be strong and dependable for my kids.  I know you're doing the same.  We all do I'm guessing.  One parent watches the other go off the rails and it's instinct to protect the kids and try to shield them from the nonsense of it all.  What an impossible task.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #87 on: November 12, 2019, 09:40:55 AM »
I was going through some old photos last Saturday and found one that made my heart skip a beat. It was taken by H, which was a rarity, about 8 months prior to BD. It is a photo of S(then 9) and me sitting on our front porch after one of S's early morning cross country meets. It was taken from behind from inside the house while the front door was open so all you see is our backs and the front yard. I am looking over at S smiling. It was a beautiful and tender moment captured perfectly by H. The amazing thing though is that this was a couple weeks after I had received my breast cancer diagnosis, but before I had my surgery to determine stage/type/etc., so there were many unknowns and major fears at that time, especially since I had lost both my mother and aunt to cancer while they were in their 40's/50's. But there I was enjoying the moment. If ever I doubted my strength, that photo was a brilliant reminder of my true grit. And that H was the person to capture it was even more amazing since he never really took the pics--that was always my role. I'm sure he thought I was going to die. Trigger pulled--enter MLC LOL.

So, in a weak moment I send H the photo on Sat night thanking him for taking it. I knew he wouldn't respond as he was out of town with OW. But I was overcome with emotion. And thanking him at the time gave me peace.

So this am, as he is driving to my house to get S13 for school (yesterday was a holiday and he was still out of town so nc over the weekend per usual), he texted me to please wait for him as he was running late. And then he wrote, "That was an awesome photo." I wasn't really expecting any kind of comment from him. Or any reaction. Sad to say, but he is just a shell of a human now. And even this text from him acknowledging the photo, although an almost infinitesimal sentiment, was likely huge for him. It doesn't mean much for me b/c I know he is still deep in the tunnel. Otherwise he would have responded like a normal person over the weekend.  And one thing I've learned is that H is about the furthest thing from being normal in his present state.

Anyway, that photo was so powerful and beautiful  to me that I think I may have it framed.

Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline seahorse

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #88 on: November 12, 2019, 04:46:52 PM »
KIT - I think you SHOULD have it framed.
It has so many meanings from so many different angles.

At least he responded.  Yes, deep in the tunnel, but came up for a brief breath of air...

Glad that you found that memory of your strength, and your connection with your son.

Hugs
Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Anon

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #89 on: November 12, 2019, 05:47:00 PM »
What a great reminder KIT of your true grit.  Yes, you should frame it and every time you question your strength just look over to that photo. 

I bet that photo gave your H something to think about too, while he wastes the precious time of his life with a shallow bimbo with no morals and NO strength. 

Isn't it funny how these mlc people can't respond to a text or anything until they are away from their bimbos? Mine is just the same.  If she's anywhere within a mile, he is too scared to respond. 

 

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