Author Topic: My Story 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks  (Read 3923 times)

Offline Seahorse

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My Story Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #90 on: November 12, 2019, 05:50:24 PM »
Anon - It is pretty funny how secretive they are, even though they have nothing to hide.
My H won't even read texts if she's around.

Ironically, I remember H reading texts from ow all night in bed as he lie next to me!
WTH???

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #91 on: November 12, 2019, 05:56:29 PM »
Well they could read texts and emails while with us bc we never knew them as cheaters. So we trusted them and never questioned the correspondence. Whereas these OW know exactly what they got and how they got them—cheaters cheating.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Seahorse

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #92 on: November 12, 2019, 06:03:31 PM »
Well they could read texts and emails while with us bc we never knew them as cheaters. So we trusted them and never questioned the correspondence. Whereas these OW know exactly what they got and how they got them—cheaters cheating.

KIT - Oh so true...
Cheaters cheating; liars lying; lips moving

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Anon

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #93 on: November 12, 2019, 07:27:30 PM »
Quote
Whereas these OW know exactly what they got and how they got them—cheaters cheating.
Must be a tough life for the ow... They know how easily their 'boyfriend' was lured away from their wife, kids, long-term marriages.  It must occur to them eventually that he could be lured that easily away from them too?   A Dr. Phil-ism:  If they will do it with you, they will do it to you.  Better keep a close eye on your guy, ow....

Offline mightymama

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #94 on: November 12, 2019, 08:41:44 PM »
In a few weeks it will be 3.5 years since BD. I don't really like to think about my mental state at that time, but suffice to say, as all of you have experienced, it was devastating and soul crushing. And really every other gut-wrenching and traumatic emotion out there right? But. Here I am. And here we are. Amazing isn't it? 

I read something somewhere about the LBS being envious of our MLCer and OP's  relationship. Jealous of them having each other and doing all the things that we once did. That struck a chord with me. I have a bad case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)  in general so thinking of them always sets me off. And I know I am NOT supposed to do it, but some little thing might trigger and off I go into Monkey-Brain Land imagining the two of them flying on a private jet to the Met Gala hanging out with Beyonce and Jay-Z. (MmmmmHmmmm--I have issues) And I am well aware this is likely the furthest thing from the truth, but well......Like I said, issues.  ::)

Anyway, it got me thinking. Why am I so envious?  B/c they are dating like a couple of high schoolers? (No exaggeration here--they literally go to house parties and high school football games--And neither has a kid who actually plays football or is in the band or cheerleading--nope, no reason to go other than "something to do"). Do I want to do these things? Nope. B/c the life I imagine, heck the life I HAD with H, is so much better than that. We were, and are adults. I am an adult.

So step one in giving Zero Firetrucks, and not coveting what "others" have presently is to recall what I've been through and accomplished over the past 3.5 years since BD...on my own.  Warning, this may sound braggy. But if you know me at all, you'd know my self esteem has taken a massive beating (as all of our has I am sure) and my confidence is not quite where I'd like it to be. And I need to remind myself that I am no shrinking violet. I am a force to be reckoned with. Anyway, here goes:

1.  Survived 6 months of chemo and 2 months of radiation, while working full time and taking care of a then 9 year old, and all household responsibilities. (This was the time H decided to take a vacation from the family).

2. Merged my law firm into another larger one and re-built my practice after literally ALL of my previous colleagues (from my small firm) decided they didn't want to be at this new firm a year later.  :o

3. Replaced garage door, had a beautiful iron gate installed, had fence fixed and security cameras and lights installed around the house exterior.  Loads of other household and safety measures taken, and many household repairs and upgrades needing to be done even before H left--had them all done. 

4. Took S13 on all sorts of vacations and trips (even though the thought of going without H initially terrified me).

5. Went to Tuscany! OMG--never been to Europe before. And it was a trip of a lifetime. Can't wait to go back...especially with my 11pm/3am wine cult sisters and brother. ;)

6. Paid off all debt and massively improved my credit score.

7. Re-built my relationship with my sister and father. Never been closer.

8. Reconnected with my high school and college besties. We get together regularly now, even though we live far apart.

9. And. Most importantly.....I have a smart, funny, kind-hearted and well-adjusted son who is happy, healthy and doing well in school. I couldn't ask for any more than that!

It has been a long, hard road for sure. And I am still not where I would like to be on so many levels. But I've learned that this journey is mine too. And I am better than I was before. And I can do this, as I HAVE done this. Right now all I have to do is keep my eye on the prize...S13. It is such a privilege to be able to raise that little human.

Thanks all--you guys have truly been a lifeline to me over these past few years.

Previous Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11039.0;all

Thats wonderful to hear, KIT!  Im so happy for you!
Me - 41
H - 47
S - 7 (on the spectrum)
Married for 8 years, together for 13 years
BD - April 6, 2018, H took off ring and moved out a week and a half after BD.
Divorce final - Aug. 25 2019
OW moved in with XH in Oct 2019

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #95 on: November 13, 2019, 09:49:47 AM »
It is all fun and games when you are duping the wife and kids with your new boy toy I guess. But when you become the main squeeze and life settles into that boring everyday routine he was trying to escape... well, know you know he is not guarding his Gradmom's secret recipes on that cell phone of his.     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Maleficent

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #96 on: November 13, 2019, 12:10:30 PM »
KIT, The photo sounds beautiful.  Do have it framed--you and your son, a strong and loving bond!  Glad it is just a photo of the two of you and a special memory.   

A three day lapse in responding is sad.  I have had that happen, too - you send a somewhat meaningful text and days go by....
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #97 on: November 14, 2019, 10:52:41 AM »
Thank you all for your kindness and support.

Well my NC November isn't going so well obviously, and as evidenced by my e-mail to H with that photo. I have such mixed emotions over what to do.

What prompted my post today was a comment on Shock's Sis's thread about whether MLCers  keep tabs on us. It was then brought up that many LBS keep tabs on their MLCers. It triggered me immediately. And my knee-jerk response was that I had to b/c of my S. But do I really?

Look, I don't reach out to H regularly or even occasionally.  I have no idea where he lives. His mail comes to my house, but I never open it. But of course I hear things about him and OW being out and about. And it ALWAYS stings. A lot.  I don't know if that is necessarily keeping tabs. But I am always cordial to him. I still love him. I don't want to love him anymore though. Not now. Not while OW  is there.

I was so triggered that last night I broke down in tears--ugly crying actually, begging God to allow me to finally get over H. To not care about him at all. I know that sounds harsh, but really, this pain and trauma is almost unbearable. I hide it pretty well. But I'm not over anything. I am not detached. at all.

Of course I have a new plan...b/c I am a planner. LOL. Get back on track with NC November. No more sentimental photos to be sent. I am not going to tell him that I am going to Mexico in Dec. I am not going to volunteer any info about S to him, or send along pics from S's events that I was at and that he missed. I am going to block his number when in Mexico and over the holidays. I need some space. I need to heal.

OK, I already feel better. That good cry last night may have helped a little too. ;)
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #98 on: November 14, 2019, 11:26:10 AM »
I hear you kit, I do. I have a plan which will be a new start for my kids and me and I hope help me get over h. Although I don’t think I ever will be, but that I will have strength to live a good and fruitful life by my own rules and what I have provided with no ties to h.

I think kit that a good cry is always a good thing as it releases frustration and pain but that may just be me lol.

Personally I think you are a string fabulous woman and mom xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Milly

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Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Reply #99 on: November 14, 2019, 12:30:58 PM »
Kit, everything Phoenix said.

So you broke the diet and sneaked a piece of chocolate. That's ok. It's not the end of the world. You are not going to turn into a big fat balloon overnight. Just get right back onto the diet tomorrow.

I love that you're going to Mexico in December. I agree, do not tell him anything. Let him stew and wonder. No more sweet reminiscent photos, although I have to say that the odd sweet reminder can actually be helpful. They're not always going to make things worse. I do believe that when we are genuinely nice and thoughtful like sharing the photo moment, which your H clearly did enjoy, it leaves a seed. Now though, he's still with OW, so he doesn't get to have you in the background like a safety net.

No big harm done. Have a good healthy cry, a couple of glasses of wine, and back to your usual amazing Kitness in the morning.xxxx

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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