[Keep believing]

This is all so very f'd up. people saying ss is not recovered because she has not confronted her xh.  then she does and she is ridiculed for not doing it right. Some people just love to find fault in everything. I believe what shock said to her xh is very important to his healing. I think everyone can move on but their will always be the questions of what one did wrong. Even though I know this is all about my h , there is still those questions. Most every mlcer that came back has said it is some compulsion that they can not stop themselves even though they know it is wrong.  even though they know it is hurting the ones they love. I look at mlc as 2 different people. The good and the bad personalities.   Hence jeckyl and hyde. you have to remember they are split people that need to come back into one.  I see absolutely nothing wrong with telling her xh that she loves him. He needed to hear that knowing his marriage was real.That she was real in her feelings for him.

[Maleficent]

Dear Shocks sis,  Thank you for sharing.  Your disclosure to your xH was very brave and very strong.  May you both find peace. 

[trusting]

SS,

I haven't posted on this thread before but have followed along.  My H has/had been in MLC about 10 years.  However, I have seen him do a complete 180 again back into the man I know from the MLCer I did not recognize for so long.  I think it's safe to say he is no longer in MLC, and I am seeing the circle completing.  However, he has not (yet) returned to our marriage, though he is very involved with our family and our relationship gets better all the time.  Time will tell, I suppose.  It always does.

I am sure your H hearing the apology and explanation did him a world of good for his healing, even though he may take awhile to process it and understand it completely.  From the perspective of an LBS who is still missing that piece from their MLCer (who I would think SHOULD be in the head space and heart space to offer some kind of words by this point), that is something an LBS yearns to hear, even if it doesn't mean full restoration of a relationship.  It is a good, good thing.

Thanks for the time you take to share your perspective, even when you sometimes are met with hostility.  It is so appreciated.

[Caroline]

Shock sis,

  You are very brave and I know it would mean much to me if my H were to ever acknowledge his MLC. No matter how much logic there is ... it still is hard to fully allow my heart to "get it" that it was not me or our marriage...

   I am so grateful to your willingness to share....

[MKnight10]

SS

I have the greatest respect for someone who can come on a forum like this, answer our questions, bat off the challenging posts and take note from other members.

Bravo....MK

[megogirl]

Sis

When you met with your X, did you make it clear that your whole life blew up and the grass was certainly not greener? 

I can’t even imagine that scenario.  Good for you for making it happen.

[AlvinTheMaker]

A question to Shocks's sis...

Possibly this has been asked before, but when you were entering the tunnel,  and coming out of the tunnel, was your ability to function changed?  Or did you go on with your daily activities as is?  I've got the priviledge of live-in MLCr, and on the surface it seems there's not much going on.  So I'm curious to hear what Your mind/brain functionality was alike at various stages.  For example when you started sinking in or coming out it, did you try reading self-help articles desperately, or did you call for therapy unwind your head, or did you just "follow along your instincts"?

I can only speak of the LBS experience after BD, and it is one hell of a ride.  Even after 8 months (where I think I am finally beginning to heal) I can say this whole thing is still affecting negatively into my ability to function normally (or at least so I feel).   A good example is something as simple as going on a regular walk - I can easily spend two thirds of the walk an autopilot while my brain simply tries to "work out" what the hell happened with my life...  And then I've got this new "hobby" - which is basically gaining knowledge/self-improvement  through psychology/mindfulness/self-help books and articles (and then putting the learned bits into action). Nothing bad with this, but it can get quite addicting/attractive especially if I should focus on something "more boring" (say working through tax papers)... I'm sure all of it will eventually pass and calm. It just takes time to get "control of my head" back.

Alvin

[Finding Joy]

Hi SS, I have mentioned before that my h has acted much like you did in the first 11 months with his heart completely turned from me.

In this last month he has admitted how broken he is and started seeing a psychiatrist, apologized for being such a monster(while crying), started being very friendly to me and confiding some, is trying to reach out a bit more with the kids etc.

A month ago he would not look me in the eyes and now he will some.  I am being friendly, polite, letting him pursue me, listening and keeping my contact short.

He still plans to d me, but is open to pushing it back some because that helps me out.  Before he flat out hated me.  He looks at it as we can be friends and coparent.

I am proceeding with caution, do you believe friendship is a good place to start(he is still in replay, unsure about ow).  I do not want him to feel as if he has the best of both worlds.  He does not live at home.  I’m thinking this could be considered a partial turn back towards me and the kids.

[OneHotMess]

Shocks sis,

I imagine that telling your husband how you felt was a very hard thing to do but I feel it was necessary for both of you. You both needed that closure.  I am currently going through this in my own mind from my own MLC. I know there are things that I need to say to him but can’t since he is very much in his own MLC now. Good for you to take that step. I hope it helps in your recovery.

[Bewildered survivor]

It must have been incredibly confronting to have had that conversation with your xH shocks sis. I do hope you felt it was the right time to have it and that you feel some peace from taking that huge step.

I think your right in saying perhaps some people want blood and you really can’t please everyone.

In my opinion weather someone is in MLC or not everyone has some defensiveness- it’s human nature. We all use defence mechanisms when in situations where we feel confronted by difficult emotions- it’s natural. In my opinion that does not necessarily mean you are still in MLC. If that was the case then the majority of the world would be in MLC. I’m sure as you say there was a lot more to that conversation. From what you have shared I think you took full responsibility for the hurt you caused but at the same time attempted to express what you felt happened to you and the compulsion you felt. You have always maintained (as others in MLC have) that you felt compelled to do the things you did and that you did not choose to have a MLC. I feel that’s an explanation not an excuse and is your truth. What ever anyone else says it remains your truth and you can only stand by that. With all the negative comments you’ve had it would have been easy for you to change your truth to fit what others want you hear or what they expect- I respect the fact that you didn’t and you stand by what was your unique experience.

It would bring me incredible peace to my soul if I ever heard what you told your xH.  Even if I was in another relationship and happy in my life I would want to know if my xH still loved me and that he has always loved me. This is because the fact that he loved me sooo much before MLC to completely hating me after BD is the hardest thing for me to understand. The rejection has wounded my soul and caused me the most amount of pain. I would not want to die not knowing that he still loved me. Personally if I was in another committed relationship my xH telling me this would not change a thing. It may even help me be better in trusting myself and my own instincts. If I was committed to that relationship then it would not be in danger by this information. If it was not a happy relationship then I truly believe it would not stand the test of time weather I heard this from my xH or not. I do not believe you are being manipulative by sharing what you feel as from what you have said your intentions are not to cause problems in his marriage- I believe that’s why you considered sharing it so carefully.

I appreciate your continued contribution and insights