[MKnight10]

A month ago he would not look me in the eyes and now he will some.  I am being friendly, polite, letting him pursue me, listening and keeping my contact short.

He still plans to d me, but is open to pushing it back some because that helps me out.  Before he flat out hated me.  He looks at it as we can be friends and coparent.

Exactly this.

After BD, but before she moved out, she wouldn't even sit in the same room. Saying hello or goodbye was the most I ever got, if I was lucky. The hate she had for me, for no apparent reason, was bewildering.

Suggestions to spend time together were met with angry spewing and monster. Now, nearly 3yrs on from BD and a year after she moved out, its invites for coffees and lunch and suggestions to celebrate family events together. All whilst the OM is on the side.

For me, its cake eating and emotional manipulation; I won't be a part of it. Its not the relationship I want with her. Its also, just too painful.

My question is similar to Finding Joy.....is it a partial turn back....testing the water.....seeing the reaction? Should I try to be a part of it, or is it just enabling her crisis?

[Shockandawe]

Hi Finding Joy and McKnight

Your question is kind of the same so I’m going to answer both of you.
Firstly,  in my opinion, as long as om/ow is still in the picture your spouses are still in MLC.
My advice here, leave them to it, don’t think about how far along they are. I was unstable and during my time in MLC, as I worked subconsciously through my issues, I began to think more positively about my ex h but it would pass and the fog returned. Each time this happened, I would spend more time with the positive feelings and for longer periods. This is how I used the holes in the dam analogy.
Keep looking out for yourself and keep doing what you’re doing for you.
You know the drill, be polite, be kind but don’t be a doormat and only do what you feel comfortable with.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Alvin

I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me during MLC so I didn’t think I needed any kind of help and didn’t think I had any trouble functioning. I was in my own fantasy land and I decided what happened so I wouldn’t let anything or anyone to affect me. If anyone tried I ignored them and “wrote “ them out of my movie.

[MKnight10]

Thanks for your reply SS - I hope you're doing ok.

MK

[KeepItTogether]

Hi SS--I am one who has a good deal of compassion for my MLCH, even though I would really like to throat punch him some days. Anyway, I know if he ever said the things you did to your H, and he has in a way, it would/has made me feel better to some degree.  I personally think it took much courage and strength for you to face him and, as Brain said, to share with us. I like to think the people who disagree with your approach, or challenge you, are doing it out of love and hope that you are in a growing season. Everyone makes mistakes. None of us are perfect. And none of us has the right to judge another, especially someone we don't even really know. But that is just my humble opinion. Thank you again.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I was unstable and during my time in MLC, as I worked subconsciously through my issues, I began to think more positively about my ex h but it would pass and the fog returned.

Hi Sis. I'm curious whether these positive thoughts were related to contact with your ex h or things he did or things you may have heard about him or did they just come out of the blue?

I hope you and your sister (Shock's Sis's Sis    ) are having a good day today.

[Sam I Am]

SS - IMO, you gave your H a gift.   You did what so many of us yearn for.   Prayers that you both continue to heal.

Attaching!

Thankful you are willing to answer all our questions!  Take care of you!

[Shockandawe]

Hi BIB

I didn’t have to have any contact with my ex h for the positive thoughts to come through. I remember vividly the first time I had a positive feeling toward my ex h whilst in MLC. I was in the shower, therefore I had no headphones or sunglasses on and suddenly this feeling of overwhelming love for my ex h came through. I broke down and cried, not weeping but heart wrenching sobs. I began thinking about him and then began to feel very unhappy about where I was in my life. The fog brushed aside the good feeling and replaced it with statements which were all negative, like see how unhappy just thinking about him makes you feel, it’s his fault all his fault. You’re way better off away from him etc. It’s like the fog was overriding the positive with negative.
Time between the lucid moments got shorter and the lucid moments lasted longer and longer.
I still maintain it was my brain testing to see if I could handle it. That’s what I believe anyway.
We are both good thank you BIB hope you’re well too.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Thanks Sis. My wife continues to find a reason to contact me every few weeks. The latest conversation was just a few days ago. I try to keep my tone neutral when I respond to her, neither pursuing nor distancing. She seems to be trying to reconnect with some of her family who were very disapproving and with our youngest daughter who was practically hostile after BD, so I think she might be making some progress. She doesn't show any outward signs of interest in me but she continues to contact me every few weeks 5+ years after leaving and 2+ years after the divorce was finalized. That seems kind of odd.

It really isn't a problem if she takes her time. I'm not sane enough yet to be in a relationship any way. I still have some more "baking" to do. Honestly, I'm not really interested in the person she is right now but I do really miss the person she used to be.

[KeepItTogether]

It really isn't a problem if she takes her time. I'm not sane enough yet to be in a relationship any way. I still have some more "baking" to do. Honestly, I'm not really interested in the person she is right now but I do really miss the person she used to be.

Everything you said right here!  Totally and completely where I am as well. Thanks for articulating.