[Would you seek a new partner if your spouse were institutionalized with dementia instead of having an MLC?]

Would you seek a new partner if your spouse were institutionalized with dementia instead of having an MLC?

Standing now, would not seek new partner if spouse were institutionalized with dementia

16 (59.3%)

Standing now, would seek new partner if spouse were institutionalized with dementia

2 (7.4%)

Not standing now, would not seek new partner if spouse were institutionalized with dementia

5 (18.5%)

Not standing now, would seek new partner if spouse were institutionalized with dementia

0 (0%)

This is it! No more partners no matter what.

4 (14.8%)

Total Members Voted: 27

Voting closed: October 28, 2019, 12:10:38 PM

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Several years ago my brother and I both had to deal with wives whose personality suddenly changed. In both cases this caused a breakdown in communications that drastically changed our relationships with our wives. In my case my wife is having an MLC and may have simplified things for me by leaving me. In my brother's case his wife is going through early onset dementia caused by a form of FTD.

I stated that my wife may have simplified things for me by leaving because, although my brother's wife is still living with him, their relationship is much different now. He is her primary caretaker and his life has become more and more complicated as her condition has slowly deteriorated. She lost her ability to speak and to communicate quite quickly and now she's at the point where she wouldn't eat, drink, or use the restroom without direction from somebody. He bathes her, dresses her, chooses her meals for her, makes all of her other decisions for her, and takes her into the restroom on a set schedule.

Her condition continues to deteriorate and I can see that being her caretaker is also taking a toll on my brother. Before long she will have to be placed into an institution. It's really amazing that he's been able to take care of her for as long as he has. But she's still rather young (60, the same as me) and in pretty good physical health. She could survive for quite a few years after she's placed in an institution.

Which brings me to the survey question. I'm afraid I may have set a bad example for my brother by not dating since BD occurred more than 5 years ago. Should he choose to remain alone as I have? Our situations are quite similar except he knows that his wife will never "make it through the tunnel" and return to him. Should he remain alone until his wife finally passes away?

I'm curious what all of you would do if you lost your spouse to dementia instead of MLC. If you're standing now, would you continue to stand by your institutionalized spouse or would you seek a new partner? If you aren't standing, would you choose to stand by your spouse if they were institutionalized with dementia instead of having an MLC or would you choose to seek a new partner?

My parents divorced when my mother was 50 years old. She died 29 years after the divorce and during that time she never dated. She used to tell us that she had taken care of one man and she didn't want to have to take care of another one. Some of you may have also decided that you just don't want another partner. That's the reason for the fifth option. No more partners!

I know this isn't an easy question. Neither is my brother's situation. Neither is mine or any of ours. Thanks for whatever input and/or insight you choose to provide.

[Thunder]

MB, I'm really unsure how to answer this so I haven't yet.

I am not standing now and I'm also not looking for a new partner, but had my H had Dementia there would be no way I would not stand by him.  Another partner would be out of the question as long as he was alive.

It would be the same if he had incurable cancer.  He is my husband, I would not abandon him because he had an incurable disease.  Isn't that what "in sickness and in health" is supposed to mean?

I applaud your brother, MB.  He is showing true, unselfish love for his wife.
Bless his heart.

[Treasur]

I am so sorry, what a dreadful situation for your brother to navigate.
Dementia is a heartbreaking thing to watch and I can see the parallels in my own life with a h lost to some kind of WIW that made him unrecognisable and a mother lost to dementia which makes her unrecognisable. And by and large I am unrecognised by both of them.

I am not standing for my xh bc he chose to divorce me and the kindest thing I could find to do for both of us was to let him go as he said he wished. But my mother did not make that choice so the kindest thing I can do is find a different way to love her. If my h had been in the same situation as my mother, I would have honoured my vows and tried to do the same.

But imho, although there are some similarities perhaps from my POV in my experience as an LBS and LBD I suppose, there are significant differences too. My xh is capable of functioning in his life without my support and is seen in RL as being capable and responsible for his own choices. My mother is not.

[Granite]

MBIB,

A timely question for me personally as I have been giving much thought to what is the difference between an identity crisis and a more accepted “physical” sickness or even a diagnosis of an accepted mental malady.  I have come to the conclusion that for me there is no difference.

I am standing and will continue to do so.  I do this because of a commitment I made to my wife prior to our marriage and because of our marriage vows.  The thought of my dating , much less marrying is simply disturbing to me.  Not only because of our vows, but because for 30 years I met no equal to my Wife and I certainly have not met an equal in the last 2 years.  Although it may be lonely, it does make standing an easier choice.

One of my Wife’s friend and hero suffered from Alzheimers, her Husband stood by her side til the end.  He was my hero.

[Nerissa]

Hypothetically it would depend on the severity of the dementia for me.  Before bd, I believe I would have remained caring as long as possible.  when one’s spouse is severely affected is that life is terribly lonely.  Friendships are vital or there is just no one to talk to so I would think it fine if someone became close to another person.  I doubt I would have as I doubt I’d have been interested but who knows.

What I did feel after bd was that if he were to come home and then get dementia - and both his parents did for a relatively short time before death - that I would be cery likely to find him a hospice to live in as I feel my loyalty would be diminished and I think the strain of dealing with it would be more than I would be willing to bear, given his betrayal.  But he isn’t home anyway.  He isn’t currently with a partner so I suppose should he ever need support I’d be likely to give it.  I can’t know until it happens though.

I was also sent a Ted talk by a psychiatrist who was speaking about aging married couples.  He asked listeners to think about their current relationship patterns and during old age, which partner  would be likely to care and who would not.  He was suggesting there are many imbalances in long marriages and asking the audience to project a likely future trajectory.  I realised that H would be unlikely to sacrifice his own life for me if I were to become incapacitated, even in the good times.

[terra]

I answered Standing now, would not seek new partner. The truth is I don’t know if I am Standing. I stood for a long time, but I returned to this forum early this summer, because I know I am now stumbling and wobbling a lot.

It’s not that I want a new partner. I absolutely don’t. If h was diagnosed with anything like dementia, there’s no way I would ever leave. Not just the vows covering “in sickness and in health”, but because he is the only man I have loved with full conviction, and I strongly doubt I will ever love so fully again. Because of the vows and my faith, it has always been well with me that I might serve him in this way and then live the remainder of my life as simply a widow and a mother, a grandmother, sibling, and aunt.

I think for me any medical diagnosis or condition would largely excuse or explain all the reprehensible words or behavior I’ve witnessed and endured from him. At the very least, it would be something that could take much of the blame.

Sometimes I wonder if h has been diagnosed with some major medical condition, and is that why he ran, and why he stays away. Not that it would be contagious, but that he doesn’t want me or S worrying about or burdened by caring for him. But I don’t have enough contact with him to dial in on it.

I get sad sometimes because if he doesn’t return, and if we don’t reconcile, so much remains unresolved and unhealed. There’s no way I would take on a new partner under these circumstances. I don’t feel at all healthy or strong enough for it.

 

[Finding Joy]

Nerrissa, I wonder if that’s the case with most of our MLCers.  I would have taken care of my h, I doubt long turn he would have taken care of me. 

[Finding Joy]

I can’t imagine remarrying unless my spouse had passed with Dementia.

One big difference, Dementia is completely without choice.  My belief is that though you have a strong urge to cheat and leave/divorce with an MLC, you still have a choice.

So, my husband has not chosen to keep his marriage vows and in fact does not want the marriage.  For that reason I would not stand forever when it comes to MLC. 

[UrsaMajor]

I'm not Standing but if my xW were to have been diagnosed with Dementia before her D, I would have stood by her faithfully. That is what (to me) "in sickness and in health" means...

But, her actions have removed that option from my life... and hers...

[AlvinTheMaker]

I find this question interesting as I have number of relatives with dementia. 

My father has got Lewy body dementia... It progressed very rapidly,  he lost ability to remember things, speak and eventually to move in span of two years.  He was destined to to nursery...  I did a lot of my own research for possible causes back then, and eventually one of the doctors agreed with my conclusion that it was not normal alzheimers as most doctors assumed, and they started treatment with some new kind of medicine for LBD.   For the first six months there was no change, he did not recognize me nor move when I went to see him.   Fast forward next six months and he was beginning to move and talk - but  s-l-o-w (saying one sentence could take 1-5 minutes).    Fast forward another six months including intensive physical therapy - and he was moving around, but still forgetting things and speaking slower than normal people.... That was 5 years ago.  These days he lives on his own (in nursing facility), talks and speaks somewhat the same as the old him... He's slightly forgetful, but the forecast is that he might easily live for another 5-8 years of somewhat normal life.   And he is "fully operational" - similar to MLCrs.  If you did not know he has dementia, you likely would consider him just another old man.

One of my aunts has fell to dementia somewhat the same time.. She's likely a prime example of what think of dementia. Nutty old lady with working pair of feet. She runs off from the nursing home every now and then. She has no recollection of her kids, but she constantly lives in some kind of mixture of past.....    My W's grandmother is somewhat the same, except she has lost her mobility and currently losing her ability to speak.

So dementia comes in many shapes and forms. Just like many diseases and conditions.


I think the question and arguments in itself is excellent, but the disease to compare is all wrong...  IMHO (and I have no doubts on this, at least on my W's part) MLC is mixture of anxiety and depression, i.e. mental health issue. Just of massive scale... 

And for me the fact it was called MLC instead of anxiety/depression related mental health issue was possibly the hardest part of accepting MLC.  MLC as term is not a medical condition (at least not here in Europe; I think US has been different for past few years).  It is just name of "event".   If people would have said from day one "it's a mental health condition - anxiety and depression", then I would have had a totally different mindset from day one.  I would not have doubts about my standing (as I did in the beginning). 

Would I abandon my W because of mental health issues... Not easily...  The reason I'm not being absolute is that there are number of treatments for mental health issues.  If she tried those treatments, worked her issues... then I would stand by her indefinitely.   If she refused those options - then eventually I might consider giving up all hope.  But that would require long timespan (say at least 5-6 years) to see which way it truly evolves. 

Alvin