Author Topic: My Story When the path crumbled beneath me, I had to find a different trail to follow  (Read 1689 times)

Offline OffRoad

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Now I need to make an Octopie.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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OffRoad - LOL.

I woke up this morning after having a vivid dream, which after reading UrsaMajor's full moon post is rather amusing. When I woke up I was a little perplexed as to why the dream now. I was also surprised I wasn't upset by the dream. In fact, after shaking the feeling of mild confusion, I laughed and thought that it seems my subconscious is right in line with where I am at.

Our house was built in 1946, and many of the architectural details were still in tact from the original build, but when Xh and I moved in, there had been obvious "updating" in the late 60's/early 70's. The living room had cherry paneling and a baby blue wall to wall carpet. Telltale signs of wallpaper in some of the rooms. When we bought the house, it was in fantastic shape and the work only was cosmetic. We slowly began remodeling and adding on before S was born.

In the dream, I am certain I was in our living room before the renovations even began but it was furnished. The furnishings were a mix of pieces. I recognized the furniture as being pieces from each set of grandparents and only a couple of the pieces I actually have now. They were all pieces of furniture from both sets of grandparents' living rooms.

Xh was standing and pleading with me. He was telling me that he wanted to come home. He never said he was sorry. Never admitted to anything, simply told me he wanted to come home and uttered that OW chose her H. He was clearly heartbroken and yet not about what he had done to the family, but about the end of this relationship.

My response was to say I was sorry, but he could not come home.

Yet, in the dream I felt a pang of sadness for Xh. It was a tiny feeling of compassion because he was hurting. Yet, there was a much bigger feeling and that was for myself. The feeling of in that dream, his desire to return was not because he had a moment of clarity, but because I was option 2. It was I was the backup plan.

I woke up before knowing how it completely played out. I know what the significance of the furnishings are to me. It took awhile for me to realize each of those pieces were significant to me in my childhood. In particular, little ottoman that sat at end of my M's mom's chair, where I always sat, even as a teenager. I know the furnishings have to do with feeling as if my grandparents are always there for me in some way, just like they were when they were alive. I wonder if he significance of my F's mother dying right before the discovery of Xh's affair played into the dream. I do know there was an odd sense of comfort.

The house before the renovations I believe represents the old and not being able to, nor wanting to go back.

My subconscious seemed to simply highlight how I have moved so far away from Xh - the crisis version - that even if he were to somehow come back around, I cannot ever feel like I am some type of back up plan. That whole option B.

I also know that these big changes on the house have been exciting, but a bit frightening. It has been a confusing stretch for me. I am mildly overwhelmed by the projects and how they are falling into place. On the opposite end of things I am discouraged by what I have lying ahead of me and how I have to play catch up for the time wasted in MLC land treading water. And somewhere in those feelings are moments of accomplishment and joy.

I am making changes that need to happen for a variety of reasons. Some are not fun projects, I will admit. But, I have realized that when I drive into the driveway and now see my new roof and the new front storm door, I am pretty happy.

Mid afternoon, I received a text that my windows for the kitchen are in. I am on my way in the morning to pick those up. I had to laugh because the order was slated to come in earlier and I could have actually had them installed before this crazy cold weather. I may have to store them and install them in the spring, but one never knows. We are early in the winter season yet. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that we will get a warm stretch long enough to make that happen. And by warm, I may only be talking 45ºF  ::)

I spent part of my afternoon sitting, drinking coffee, overlooking a small lake before going off to teach my drawing class. I could have been making great progress on paperwork, but I decided to really stop and change gears from my morning.

I was glad I took the time. I relaxed enough to come up with a very elusive title for a painting I am donating to an art auction next week. And an email came in from the university job that my friend recommended me for. The division chair wants me to just submit the application right away and not to worry about my work samples at this time. It seems my friend showed her samples of my work and apparently there were a couple of former students of mine that went through the program at one point. I was told that I have been the subject of several conversations over the years. I am humbled, but I also thought there was some serious humor in that.

In MLC there were rumors floating around and lots of character assassination that has continued. Just recently the newspaper printing my name with Xh's for not having paid property taxes for 2 years shook me to my core. I am not exactly used to people telling me they have heard things about me and upon hearing that phrase not feeling like I should be in defense mode.

I sent my sister a copy of the email and laughed. She came back with "oh, so what you are saying is you are getting a reputation" full well knowing that I would see the humor in that statement. I must admit, these "rumors" are much nicer.  :)
« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 10:44:49 PM by MourningDove »

Online UrsaMajor

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Being someone's Option B is NOT a place of happiness and security because it leaves the door open that every time a new Option "A" pops up, the same cycle repeats itself.

Likewise, compassion and forgiveness does NOT mean that we allow them back into our lives or that they get yet another chance to do it all over again. It doesn't mean forgetting the lessons we have been required to learn during our trip through Hades...

As for the Full Moon Alert, I am just the messenger... And it IS in your sign so ....

Interesting correlation between the old living room and the old furniture....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Dreams can be so informative sometimes can't they? Well if we are not trying to squeeze them into an outcome lol. As you say a sign that our insides have reached a certain point perhaps.

A lot of the house work you are doing sounds as if it is a very tangible clearing of MLC nonsense and a reclaiming of your own space and treasures, so that bit of the dream with the furniture makes complete sense. Nice.

Strangely enough I have had a couple of dreams recently where my xh has wanted to talk to me. And even in my dreams, I have felt that I just didn't want to. That if I did, it would be solely about that feeling of compassion and listening....but that it served no point at all for me bc I don't know why one would talk to anyone who didn't/couldn't have a reciprocal conversation. And I no longer felt an obligation to listen. My biggest struggle in the dreams was finding a kind gentle way to say no thank you. But it was nice to realise that I was no longer afraid of him in my dreams  ;)

You and me are pretty much bang on the same timeline, I think, and both divorced although other things in our situation are different. I realise looking back that gradually I could not imagine my xh in my life now, couldn't even imagine something simple like chatting over coffee, and weirdly that happened at the same time as being able to enjoy the old good memories of the life we had. Maybe it is a bit like a fire dying down, idk. Don't feel afraid, or defensive or even angry really. Perhaps with time and distance we just adapt our eye to who and what they have become which is often so different from the person we lived beside for years. I think I kept a place at my metaphorical table for that person for quite a while...but gradually stopped seeing him as that person I suppose bc in reality, he kind of killed that person off and replaced him. So I find, even in my dreams, that I can remember the old version but I see the replacement in front of me. And there is nothing I want or need from him even if I feel compassion for a human who might be in a bit of a mess. But I feel no obligation I suppose as I did when he was my h.

I do find it a bit surprising when he pops up in my dreams bc I rarely think of him during the day now.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2019, 01:09:56 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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UrsaMajor - Yes, I know you are just the messenger - relax. LMAO And if I go by the old saying "don't shoot the messenger" I would have to say I have yet to harm Xh, so I am pretty sure as the "messenger" you are probably very safe. LOL.  ;D

Treasur - Xh no longer fills my thoughts either. I certainly have moments, but many of them are prompted by a situation with the kids, or as I am cleaning out the house now. And, unlike months ago, where hour upon hour wondered what he was up to, I don't think about that. And I don't obsess about "what happened" or why. There is more of an acceptance of the situation. That is, MLC is a combination of pieces. There is no one diagnosis. There are combinations of things at play as far as I can see. And a bit of chicken or egg in terms of was it Xh nearing 50 that set him off and then hormonal changes, followed by life events. For me, I can see the little ignitions, but the truth is, even if I could figure it out, I cannot change it. It is information and out of my control.

Not too long ago, I had a conversation with someone and I said it was much like my cousin. He is an alcoholic. I know it. His family knows it. Some people have tried to do things like have a party this summer and it was suggested that no alcohol be served at all. His M, who is devastated by the situation simply said to the person, who thought maybe this would prevent him from drinking somehow and turn him around in that one day, that he would end up sneaking a flask in or something else. But, no one else got upset with no alcohol at the party. Sure enough, my cousin showed up with a trunk full of beer for whoever wanted it.

A conversation with my aunt later said it would be different if my cousin was in AA or had quit drinking, but it is on him to want to stop and ask for help. She has tried for years to get him help. As have many of us. He gets mad and says everyone else has a problem and he is perfectly fine. None of us have given up on him, we simply accept that we cannot control his actions. We down boundaries and such. In fact in some ways the boundaries have at least prevented a different tragedy. We hate that he drinks too much, we take his keys so he doesn't get in his car and kill someone when he is family events. In other words, we try to do what we can and keep a lid on it. And there have been other things that have happened.

The reality is, accepting that unless the MLCer wants to move out of the tunnel, there is only so much most of us can do. And that too depends on the type of MLCer, IMO. Mine was able to maintain monster too long. He is very angry at times. Is that a physical/chemical reason? Mental illness? FOO issues? I am pretty sure in my Xh's case it is a combo pack. But, without him thinking something is wrong, and pursuing help, information I may have is just that. I am better educated and have learned how to perhaps navigate it with Xh, but I am not going to "nurse him back to health" at least in my situation. My Xh does not want my help.

But, it doesn't seem to weigh me down the same way. It is sad. It didn't have to be this way, but I made the decision to grab ahold of the reigns and go down my path. That, I have some control over.

Now, in light of UrsaMajor's full moon report, I was sent a very funny thing from a friend. My horoscope for today. Hmmmm - and the thing is, it is probably pretty accurate today. As I am feeling a bit "devious" I suppose. Luckily, I am not wired to do illegal things or to hurt others. I think my mood is more of "that is pure BS" and how do you find a solution type of thing.

So the horoscope was:
How do people pull off extraordinary tricks and deceptions? I'm not suggesting there's anything to be gained by being able to rob a bank, or commit grand-theft auto, but there's something to be learned from this kind of mentality. It has to do with confident, brazen, cheekiness. A delicate situation needs taking in hand. The problem is that you're not sure that it's your place to take action. It's time to stop doubting yourself. You have the ability to achieve the best outcome imaginable.

Now, I am laughing because I am wondering if I am in fact, "confident, brazen and cheeky" - LOL. Hmmmm. It could be - LOL

Well, this "brazen, cheeky, confident" woman picked up her new windows this morning. My F went with me to load them on his truck. He was not thrilled about going out this morning, but wanted to help me out. I made it worth his while and introduced him to a bakery I thought for sure he knew about. It is one I don't share with just anyone. It is pretty guarded knowledge. LOL. I think the really good coffee and the cinnamon bun made it worth the trip for him. I opted for the last almond croissant - LOL.

And, I looked at the forecast - there is a heat wave coming next week - LOL. My F commented that it might be doable when the temps go back up next week to a high of 44ºF. It is supposed to be sunny and we convinced ourselves that with the sun, it might feel like 50ºF.  ::) We will see.

Online UrsaMajor

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Brazen?
Cheeky?
Confident?

The parallels to addiction and MLC are pretty significant.

I hope that your Window Project goes well and can be done quickly.... Just remember, NO MLC Shortcuts please... <snort>

I remember redoing some windows as part of a Humanitarian Action Project in La Cieba, Honduras while I was in the Navy. We replaced the rotted out frames of 2 pretty big windows in their Operation/Exam rooms in a rural hospital... The most interesting part was when we started tearing the old frame out and a couple of banana spiders came out of the frame/wall.... One of them bit one of the guys through his leather glove (they were about as big as a dessert plate) who proceeded to smash his hand against the wall which pushed the fangs THROUGH his hand... The Medics took him back to the ship, pulled the fangs through and gave him some antibiotics and a couple of bandages...
By Stuart J. Longhorn - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=34911414
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Bailmor

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Ursa, remind me NOT to do any home improvement projects with you!  Don’t think I could deal with those sort of extenuating circumstances!  :o
If you are feeling down, know that God Has always had a wonderful plans for you.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen and forces that work to try and keep us from reaching what He has for us.  The good news is that there is healing at work.  God is always working in and through your life to try to get you to where He wants you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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UrsaMajor  & Bailmor - I have seen some good sized corn spiders and water spiders, but I can't say I have encountered anything that size, nor would I care to. LOL

Twice today the question of my age has come up. One of my students noticed I was wearing my glasses today and she said it is when I am wearing my glasses that she realizes I am older than they are. I knew what she was referring to, in terms of when I wear my glasses, I have to take them on and off to work in the drawing room, as it is I cannot see details with them on, as they are for distance. She went on to say that I am so enthusiastic and I don't act like some of the "older" professors. She was innocently chatting away and I was thinking to myself "am I waiting to be offended at some point"? She is a straight shooter and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She said that she has to remind herself that I have kids that are her age and I must be about 43. I smiled and said thank you, but she should add a few years to that number.

D had just come into my classroom and caught the conversation. She smiled and I knew that she was ready to velociraptor me, but I shot her a look that said "not now". She obliged.

When I got to the gallery a customer came in and mentioned she was a retired PE teacher. She told me which school and I said that she probably had one of my former students. She said she remembered him well and what a great kid he was. She wondered what had happened to him. I shared with her that I had been to his wedding a few years ago and he works for a government agency now. I told her a story about the first time I got a call inquiring about this young man from a specific agency. At first it threw me because I had no idea why they were calling. I thought maybe he had gone off and somehow gotten on the wrong path, but hat wasn't it. He was being recruited and needed security clearance. I had gotten multiple calls over the years when he had to have references. She was laughing thinking about the little elementary school rug rat now working in Washington DC. Then she paused. She was doing the math. She said she was trying to remember when she had him as a student because he was in elementary school and I had him in high school many years ago. She said I couldn't possibly be that old. I said "why"? She went on to say I had to be about 35. I laughed and said well he is closer to 35, but I had been his teacher when I was in my mid twenties. Again, D was with me, so she shot me a smirk. After the woman left, D was giggling. D said clearly this whole home renovation things is agreeing with me.

The other day, I cleaned out the living room. I have been wanting to move the room around and it has been where everything has landed during this purge. It was one of those rooms I have dreaded dealing with to a certain degree. Xh cherry picked that room and I needed to wrap my head around what needs to happen in there to make it a warm and cozy space again. After hauling out the boxes that had landed there, I laid down the new area rug I bought for there a while ago and I could feel a shift in my attitude. It is beginning to feel with all of these changes that I am finally ridding myself of the MLC dust.

D and her BF were home shortly after I had moved things around. D had a huge smile on her face and she sent S a text saying wait until he comes home, he will not believe the change. Clearly it has needed to happen - for all of us.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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I have been fighting a cold and so far, I am winning, or at least I am convincing myself of that. It is in part my own doing. I have been staying up way too late and not listening to my own inner voices telling me to slow down and rest. I am considering this a "warning shot cold" and taking it somewhat easy this weekend. Add to the mix, the end of the quarter and grading took a lot out of me.

D is on a different wave length. She is in attack the weekend mode. It isn't always easy to explain to those who have never taught, the push before the end of any marking period is like running a marathon, even when you pace yourself. I don't care how well I plan it or keep on top of it, the stress kicks in somewhere, and it can be from sources outside of your control. This week the software we had been using for our grades had some type of glitch on our school's end of things and it pulled down the access for a couple of days. It then makes many of us go back and triple check that things didn't get messed up. Most of us who have been at this awhile will keep back up files, just in case. Technology going wacky is like having a hand written ledger and you spill an entire cup of coffee on the paper and wiping out information. It is not a good feeling.

So, last night D was laughing when I fell asleep on the couch in the middle of a movie she had picked for us to watch. I couldn't even tell anyone what movie it was at this point. I woke up after the movie was over.

This morning my M called and wanted to go out for coffee. I dragged myself out of bed and went, although, my desire was to put on some yoga pants and a sweatshirt and just putter around the house. D went with us. My M wanted to know if we wanted to go Christmas shopping this afternoon. D decided she might like to do that. M could see I have a bit of a cold and is insisting I stay home and rest. If she insists  ::) - LOL

I received my check from Xh yesterday. It was a tiny mind firetruck, because in light of the dream a few nights ago, I opened the check and saw my name was not only legible, but written in exactly the way I always addressed or signed things. First name, middle initial and married name. It is the first time in months that I have seen it in Xh's handwriting - his normal handwriting. It messed with my head briefly, wondering if maybe he is out of his fog. Of course, first of all, I know that is not the case. Secondly, it is not making me long for him or change my path. It was just a visual "WTF" moment. But, this morning, when I went to the bank, I deposited it and did as I often do, I put money in both kids' accounts. The tellers had a similar reaction to mine though. They weren't expecting it. I shrugged and said well let's see what the December check looks like.

As we were having our coffee, my M mentioned that S said he was planning on participating in the graduation ceremony this May. S, because of the program he is in can opt to participate in the 2 year graduation, after he completes the Associates Degree  and again after the Bachelors. My M was rather surprised that he wanted to walk across stage. S had mentioned to me, and said he thought it might be fun and feel like he has hit a milestone. I hadn't really processed the other aspect. It was D who really brought it to the forefront.

S has never been one to do all the "pomp and circumstance" type events. But, D said of course he wants to do this event. It makes sense considering his high school graduation was less than stellar. My M wasn't following. Of course she wasn't. For her, the memories were of her grandson walking across stage. She was not part of the other things going on during that day.

S's graduation was a $h!te show. FIL had passed away just a week prior to that and SIL showed up with her family at our house. As predicted, there was a huge fight with Xh and his sister, because as I pointed out months before that FIL was refusing to make up a will and make his final wishes known. I had said to FIL that while he accepted he was dying, and had vocalized some thoughts he hadn't made it formal and it was going to divide his kids yet again. And his failure to divorce his second W would cause more problems. My in-laws and Xh stood there on the day of S's graduation and argued about their step mom receiving the house, and other things. S left to go get ready for the ceremony and I recall going out onto the deck and I told them that it was their father's fault and their own desire to avoid those topics and the reality was it was going to divide them. SIL's partner, agreed with me. I told them I was not going to allow their family garbage to taint S's evening, as this was about him.

We got ready for the ceremony and Xh got in the car and berated me. He was angry about everything. My sister had ended up with one of our tickets. He was freaking out. I told him I would text her and have her meet us, and worse case scenario, I knew enough people at the school, they would know I had a ticket, so I would be the one who would take care of the issue. It wouldn't have mattered at that point because the truth was, Xh was planning on moving out. He had wanted to move out earlier that month, but I asked him to at least wait until S's exams were over. The ceremony was brutally painful. Xh being angry that D chose the aisle seat away from him. It didn't matter that the reason she chose that seat was because she was on crutches and couldn't get into the aisle. We couldn't reason with him.

After the ceremony he came and sought out S and pulled us all together for the most uncomfortable family photo ever. No sooner were we home and he disappeared for the night. It was 3 days later he moved out.

So, after D pointed this out, we all agreed that S is looking for a do over. When S came through the door last night he was all excited about having ordered his cap and gown. I believe D is probably right.

D and I talked about S's graduation. She said she is happy S is going to get to have a proper graduation ceremony. It shouldn't be nearly as difficult as the high school graduation. We won't have to sit with Xh and play happy family. In fact, who knows if Xh will even show up. If he follows suit with his own college experience his family didn't show up for his graduation, it was myself, my parents and my sister who were there for him. None of his siblings who could have easily made the trip (minus BIL, who was deployed at the time) and both parents could have easily come. But, none of them made any efforts to see him cross the stage.

Last night, I had decided to reach out to my former student I had spoken of yesterday. It dawned on me that I had lost touch with him during the divorce and he was friends with Xh on Facebook, but I had never added him on my page, as Xh was the social media person. I had a Christmas card from him last year, but I didn't have his current contact information. I knew he would have a Facebook page, but wasn't able to find him in a search, as his name is fairly common it would seem. So, I looked up Xh's Facebook page expecting to see his contact information. Xh has eliminated all but 22 people from his once extensive page. It was a very odd mix of people. OW is not on there, nor did I expect her to be. Once I saw the contact for this guy wasn't on there, I moved on. I didn't linger and check out posts or any other stuff, because I just don't care.

So, I put my thinking cap on and after about 15 minutes I unravelled the mystery, thinking about what I knew about this guy. I unearthed his information and laughed, seeing the latest picture of he and his W, who is his perfect match.

D saw this morning that I had added this guy as a friend and she smiled. She always liked him and was glad I reached out to him. I sent him an email and he sent me the sweetest note back about how he has never thanked me for how much I pushed him and how grateful he was for those teachers who believed in him. He is coming home for the holidays to visit family and he and his W would love to see the kids and I.

When S heard, he was very excited to hear I had contacted this guy and his W. He paused and said he was pretty sure Xh had lost track of him and that was a shame. I didn't have to say a word, as both kids noted that Xh ditched a lot of good people in his life.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starterTopic starter

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S brought his roommate home for the weekend. The roommate is a great kid who just fits right in. He spent the weekend helping S with some projects for my parents and they took care of some things around the house.

On Saturday night they were off to a birthday party, so the dinner I had planned was put aside for Sunday. It was just as well, since D's boyfriend's great grandfather died that afternoon. Her BF was very close to the great grandfather and the text came in of his passing as S was telling me of their plans. D and her boyfriend went to be with his family, leaving me with a very quiet house for the evening.

It was just as well, since I needed the rest.

Yesterday, I spent the late afternoon preparing a large meal for the crew. S had 3 friends here and D was back with BF in tow. We needed a few things, so D and I went to the grocery store to pick up what we needed. As we entered the store there sat a gentleman I haven't seen in a very long time. He smiled from ear to ear and there was the twinkle in his eye I always remembered. He reminds me of my M's father so much.

Back during the sane years, Xh had started a tradition of going to a local diner for breakfast. It started initially as a way to give me time to have time to myself when the kids were little. D would nap and Xh would take S for breakfast. S was 3 when he made his first trip to the diner and every Saturday after that there were very few Saturdays we missed. And then as D got so she didn't nap in the mornings, we joined Xh and S.

It was one of those places where you could count on the regulars, including ourselves by then. The older crowd of men at the counter, bickering over who had the better sports team, or if you wanted to know the local politics, that was the place to go. The owner would yell at the guys to move down and let us have our place at the bar. He would always ask S if it was eggs this week or pancakes. He knew our orders pretty well. D, she always wore pink at that age and she kept those guys at the bar entertained. She would argue with the owner when he would kid her about how he was going to cook her bacon. Back when she used to eat bacon she had a very specific way of having it prepared. He would kid her about burning it to a crisp the way she liked it and she would become very serious and tell him that no, he had clearly forgotten it needed to be not too chewy but not crispy. We went until the MLC hit faithfully. There were few Saturdays we missed.

There was always one man, the gentleman I saw last night who thank S and D for ordering breakfast for him and used to tell D that he was going to steal her bacon. The kids would break out in laughter, knowing he was kidding. He would tell us about his W, who by then was unable to get out much, but he adored her.

After my F told me that he was one of those people others thought little of growing up because he was not book smart. My F always liked him, saying he was actually a brilliant man and probably had learning issues like dyslexia or something that people didn't acknowledge in that era. This man went on to become a very successful businessman and owns properties all over the place, and last night he told me he sold a couple of them but kept the ones in Tennessee and Florida so that he can travel.

He was sitting at a table and just people watching. He saw me come in and took one look at D, who he hasn't seen in probably 6 years. He right away asked her if she was going to buy bacon. She laughed. We told him what we were on a quest for and how I had a chicken roasting in the oven. He laughed and said he would make his errands quick and wouldn't be late for dinner. From behind him came a comment from the man behind him, someone none of us knew, who said he would tag along. It was a bit awkward but I joked I was afraid there probably wouldn't be too much left considering I was feeding 4 very hungry young men. The gentleman laughed and said his S's always ate them out of house and home.

As D and I talked to him, he said he had just sent his oldest grandson for his PhD in PT. D smiled and said that was what she was studying. He asked us how old did we think he was. I knew he was close to my F's age, but couldn't recall. He smiled and said he was loving life at 89 and golfs whenever he can. We then parted, hoping to run into each other again.

When I came home I told S about seeing him. S got a huge smile on his face.

It was strangely okay seeing someone from that part of my life. He didn't ask about Xh, but did note I wasn't wearing my wedding ring anymore and when I said I was holding down the fort as best as I could. He simply said he had heard through the grapevine we had split and he shook his head, saying what a fool Xh was. I know where he heard that news from and it would have been from someone who is in the know enough to know Xh leaving was not just an unhappy marriage. It would have come from the owner of the diner, who S worked for later on in the summers at a baseball concession stand the diner owner also owned.

Earlier in the day, I had mentioned to the kids that I may have a visitor around Christmas. The kids' response was what I expected. Full velociraptor mode, which is an indication of acceptance. It made me laugh.

The discussion turned to Thanksgiving. My sister is hosting it this year. D was already planning on going with her BF. S was the one we didn't know for sure. He spoke to my sister yesterday and said he would be coming and bringing someone, but he wasn't sure who. After he got off the phone, I asked what did he mean "who" as was there something up with his GF. He laughed and said no that he figured he was only supposed to bring one person. Last year 2 of S's friends were told to come, via my sister. There is always way too much food and my sister will insist any of us bring along a guest or 2. My sister called S back and told him that to bring whoever he wants and just to let her know if she has to plan for 10 people more. He laughed and said he would let her know.

He handed the phone back to me and my sister asked me what the heck was going on, as there was no mention of S going to Xhs again. I said I haven't heard either kid talk about their F this week, other than S saying Xh put some money in his account and made some comment about how he and I are helping D. S rolled his eyes. Yah, sure. Whatever. I had already heard how Xh is spinning the poor me thread as of late. He has been saying how hard it is supporting 2 households, which made me laugh out loud.

For those people who actually get support from a former spouse or pay support, or to people in RL, my laughter might sound like I am just grumbling. But considering Xh hasn't been paying for anything much at all, and his support is minimal, much less than when he actually lived at home, it is really funny to me. I laughed it off because it is just too amusing.

As I was putting the dinner on the table and the guys were washing up, S's roommate came in. He has adopted calling me Mom. He asked me yesterday if that was okay, as he never asked. I said it was more than okay, as he has been a good friend to S. He helped me set the table and we talked about his home life. I knew his parents were divorced and there are some issues with his step mom and extended family. What came out last night and he started to tear up was his M died a couple of years ago, during his senior year of high school. I stopped and said he was welcome to come home for Thanksgiving and spend it here if he wanted. He was concerned he might not know until the last minute and I told him not to worry, and joked I would just bring my sister a really good bottle of wine and it would all be good. But in truth, I told him that my sister, if she knew would insist we bring him along.

D came in and laughed saying it was starting to sound a lot like "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving", but the she was very quick to tell the roommate not to worry because my sister is an amazing cook and popcorn and jellybeans are not on the menu.

What will Xh be doing for Thanksgiving this year? IDK. Interestingly, I had forgotten last Christmas break S had watched the dog for weeks on end. S mentioned at dinner Xh had best find a different solution, as S may be living with my sister and BIL for the break. He is applying for internships near their house. He said no matter what, he has to focus on an internship and his F will just have to suck it up.

Do I feel sorry for Xh? Not one bit. This is his doing and the fact that he can't see he is in control of how to make positive changes is perhaps sad, but they are the consequences of his choices. And he refuses to see that he holds the key.

 

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