Author Topic: My Story Beauty into Beast 16  (Read 1619 times)

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Beauty into Beast 16
« on: October 28, 2019, 09:17:55 AM »
Previous Thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11122.new#new

We were just discussing Relinquishing the reins of control in a relationship, what women want in a man taking control vs being controlling...

And other really deep personal ooey gooey $h!te.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2019, 10:25:51 AM »
Attaching... 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2019, 11:33:30 AM »

And other really deep personal ooey gooey $h!te.

LMAO. This--right here is one of the many reasons why I adore you Morte!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2019, 09:54:02 PM »
Attaching :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Whyus

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2019, 11:53:17 PM »
Interesting discussion going on here…..
XW managed most apointments in our Family, dentist and stuff like that. XW worked 6 Hours a day and I mostly worked 8-10 Hours and would do the Shopping on the way home (down to 8 since BD, no more Overtime for me). XW would mostly cook something, I Always ate it and never complained, not once. Sometimes she would call and ask what she should cook and I would sometimes say "dish XY would be nice" and she would say "cool, good idea". Sometimes dish XY took alot of preperation so i would say "if its too much work then im happy with something else". I guess that i was giving her the ball back but I meant what I said, i didnt want to hastle her.
Sometimes I would say "im not really bothered tbh, just cook something or we could order or I pick something up on the way home from work". That was because I really didnt care that day what we got to eat, im just not so picky I guess and didnt want to give her additional work.

On the weekends I would mostly take over the cooking, BBQs in the summer for example or a Sunday roast.
I think that we had a healthy understanding on that Point, I thought we had a healthy understanding on everything until we obviously didnt and she BDed me  :o.. Ladies..... talk to us in a language that we understand and not in riddles!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline sachat3

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2019, 12:54:12 AM »
Staying with you

I think with regard to me and Clington. I don’t know if I can say who was controlling so to speak. I guess none of us reallt were in the lead. Which is why at the time our lives were a $h!te show. I took control of the house work mainly because Clington was out of the house 10-12 hours a day. But I enjoyed that side. When it came to bills that was mixed. Our gas and electric was on meters so it was a whoever is about when it’s low moment. However when it came to eating Clington had a eating disorder. I don’t believe he’s as strict with it as two months after BD he was saw a hypnotist to eat “normal” some stayed some didn’t. But if we ever went out we could only really eat at one place. He would always order the same. Chips and garlic bread but they had to be done his way because he was so fussy with things. I never did and still don’t really view that as controlling it was more of his need. If he couldn’t eat his way he just wouldn’t eat. His brain was wired to a way he couldn’t possibly try new things. It had been that way since he was 3.

That said; even to this day Clington will say “you control every aspect of my life” or “you try and control me” even 2 years after BD
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2019, 03:08:12 AM »
  :o.. Ladies..... talk to us in a language that we understand and not in riddles!

Ha ha... oh Whyus.. you clearly don't know me at all do you.  ;D

I definitely do not talk in riddles. I think sometimes people would rather I did! Sometimes I am maybe to honest...which leads me to today's topic of discussion.

(Honestly I am starting to feel like some sorta weird self reflective wizard at this point :o...but it must be important so I will go with it.)

The gift and curse of being perceptive.

From a very young age I was always called a ''perceptive child''. I can hear what a person says and watch how they act and determine if it is the whole truth or a polite cover up. I can see the fake smile, yet feel the pain a person holds inside.

My dad used to joke that I had an annoyingly strong bull$h!te detector.

But it is more than that.

It's an ability to see things from another person's shoes. Even if I don't like that person, I can still put my personal feelings aside...and see the world as they might see it. To look at a problem from their eyes, feel what they might feel in that moment.

The problem for me of course is determining when I should call them out on it, and when I need to just let it go.

This usually happens because of my need to help people. I suppose some people here will say it is a ''fixer tendency'' and put a more negative connotation on it. You could be right, but I never really saw it in a negative light before.

Some of the best, most powerful, and healing conversations in my life have happened when I calmly called someone's attention to the real issue. It lets the person feel seen in a real way that no one else sees them. It gives them the opportunity to discuss things they normally wouldn't. A deep level of connection and mutual problem solving that can help them face the real issue and work together to resolve it.

Of course on the flip side you call them on their crap, you expose the real issue, and then they get pissed off. Because the reality is they knew deep down what the real issue was but preferred to bury it under a polite lie. They would rather hide it away, and lie to themselves, then actually look at the real problem. I think we can all relate to that at some stage right?

Some of these people will see the real issue, take some time and resolve it...and come back and say  ''Ok you mighta been right''. Others continue to run and bury it and never resolve it, and continue to repeat the same pattern...over...and over...and over.

So it creates a great deal of conflict within me. Do I speak up, offer insight, help and emotional support.. or do I keep my mouth shut, pretend not to see the real issue, and let them work it out themselves?

I can think of 3 people in my life right now (excluding MLCer :o ::)) who need 3 very different conversations... yet I say nothing. It must be a first, and is directly associated with the zip it LBS skills learned here. But I would be lying if I said it doesn't make me wonder... Is me not addressing the issue not like letting an infected wound fester? It really upsets me not knowing if they can heal these things themselves without them suffering more first.

But maybe I just need to learn to shut my mouth. If they want my opinion or insight I guess they will ask. But then again maybe they don't even realise you have it, unless you offer it?

Sigh.

Confusing.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2019, 03:13:27 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2019, 03:21:56 AM »
Same principle applies here on HS just as in RL doesn't it, Morte? And tbh part of my bread and butter as a coach even when there is an explicit 'contract' so different expectations.

I suspect some of it is about being really honest about our own need to be 'right' and our respect for other peoples right to be 'wrong' maybe. Or our own agenda or involvement bc those 'healing' conversations sound as if you were part of the mix?  That we all learn by not knowing sometimes. That we can tentatively offer but back away if someone doesn't pick it up without judging them. Or use our perception to listen for small signals that they want help or advice or a spare pair of objective glasses? And that sometimes silent listening communicates just as much as words.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2019, 03:47:06 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2019, 03:43:22 AM »
Mort, I think you would make a great counselor.  You have a unique ability to see things others may not.
That's very important for a good counselor/therapist.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2019, 04:20:44 AM »
She would most definetly make a good one for MLCers. 

 

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