Author Topic: My Story Beauty into Beast 16  (Read 1615 times)

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Beauty into Beast 16
« on: October 28, 2019, 09:17:55 AM »
Previous Thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11122.new#new

We were just discussing Relinquishing the reins of control in a relationship, what women want in a man taking control vs being controlling...

And other really deep personal ooey gooey $h!te.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2019, 10:25:51 AM »
Attaching... 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2019, 11:33:30 AM »

And other really deep personal ooey gooey $h!te.

LMAO. This--right here is one of the many reasons why I adore you Morte!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2019, 09:54:02 PM »
Attaching :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Whyus

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2019, 11:53:17 PM »
Interesting discussion going on here…..
XW managed most apointments in our Family, dentist and stuff like that. XW worked 6 Hours a day and I mostly worked 8-10 Hours and would do the Shopping on the way home (down to 8 since BD, no more Overtime for me). XW would mostly cook something, I Always ate it and never complained, not once. Sometimes she would call and ask what she should cook and I would sometimes say "dish XY would be nice" and she would say "cool, good idea". Sometimes dish XY took alot of preperation so i would say "if its too much work then im happy with something else". I guess that i was giving her the ball back but I meant what I said, i didnt want to hastle her.
Sometimes I would say "im not really bothered tbh, just cook something or we could order or I pick something up on the way home from work". That was because I really didnt care that day what we got to eat, im just not so picky I guess and didnt want to give her additional work.

On the weekends I would mostly take over the cooking, BBQs in the summer for example or a Sunday roast.
I think that we had a healthy understanding on that Point, I thought we had a healthy understanding on everything until we obviously didnt and she BDed me  :o.. Ladies..... talk to us in a language that we understand and not in riddles!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline sachat3

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2019, 12:54:12 AM »
Staying with you

I think with regard to me and Clington. I don’t know if I can say who was controlling so to speak. I guess none of us reallt were in the lead. Which is why at the time our lives were a $h!te show. I took control of the house work mainly because Clington was out of the house 10-12 hours a day. But I enjoyed that side. When it came to bills that was mixed. Our gas and electric was on meters so it was a whoever is about when it’s low moment. However when it came to eating Clington had a eating disorder. I don’t believe he’s as strict with it as two months after BD he was saw a hypnotist to eat “normal” some stayed some didn’t. But if we ever went out we could only really eat at one place. He would always order the same. Chips and garlic bread but they had to be done his way because he was so fussy with things. I never did and still don’t really view that as controlling it was more of his need. If he couldn’t eat his way he just wouldn’t eat. His brain was wired to a way he couldn’t possibly try new things. It had been that way since he was 3.

That said; even to this day Clington will say “you control every aspect of my life” or “you try and control me” even 2 years after BD
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2019, 03:08:12 AM »
  :o.. Ladies..... talk to us in a language that we understand and not in riddles!

Ha ha... oh Whyus.. you clearly don't know me at all do you.  ;D

I definitely do not talk in riddles. I think sometimes people would rather I did! Sometimes I am maybe to honest...which leads me to today's topic of discussion.

(Honestly I am starting to feel like some sorta weird self reflective wizard at this point :o...but it must be important so I will go with it.)

The gift and curse of being perceptive.

From a very young age I was always called a ''perceptive child''. I can hear what a person says and watch how they act and determine if it is the whole truth or a polite cover up. I can see the fake smile, yet feel the pain a person holds inside.

My dad used to joke that I had an annoyingly strong bull$h!te detector.

But it is more than that.

It's an ability to see things from another person's shoes. Even if I don't like that person, I can still put my personal feelings aside...and see the world as they might see it. To look at a problem from their eyes, feel what they might feel in that moment.

The problem for me of course is determining when I should call them out on it, and when I need to just let it go.

This usually happens because of my need to help people. I suppose some people here will say it is a ''fixer tendency'' and put a more negative connotation on it. You could be right, but I never really saw it in a negative light before.

Some of the best, most powerful, and healing conversations in my life have happened when I calmly called someone's attention to the real issue. It lets the person feel seen in a real way that no one else sees them. It gives them the opportunity to discuss things they normally wouldn't. A deep level of connection and mutual problem solving that can help them face the real issue and work together to resolve it.

Of course on the flip side you call them on their crap, you expose the real issue, and then they get pissed off. Because the reality is they knew deep down what the real issue was but preferred to bury it under a polite lie. They would rather hide it away, and lie to themselves, then actually look at the real problem. I think we can all relate to that at some stage right?

Some of these people will see the real issue, take some time and resolve it...and come back and say  ''Ok you mighta been right''. Others continue to run and bury it and never resolve it, and continue to repeat the same pattern...over...and over...and over.

So it creates a great deal of conflict within me. Do I speak up, offer insight, help and emotional support.. or do I keep my mouth shut, pretend not to see the real issue, and let them work it out themselves?

I can think of 3 people in my life right now (excluding MLCer :o ::)) who need 3 very different conversations... yet I say nothing. It must be a first, and is directly associated with the zip it LBS skills learned here. But I would be lying if I said it doesn't make me wonder... Is me not addressing the issue not like letting an infected wound fester? It really upsets me not knowing if they can heal these things themselves without them suffering more first.

But maybe I just need to learn to shut my mouth. If they want my opinion or insight I guess they will ask. But then again maybe they don't even realise you have it, unless you offer it?

Sigh.

Confusing.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2019, 03:13:27 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2019, 03:21:56 AM »
Same principle applies here on HS just as in RL doesn't it, Morte? And tbh part of my bread and butter as a coach even when there is an explicit 'contract' so different expectations.

I suspect some of it is about being really honest about our own need to be 'right' and our respect for other peoples right to be 'wrong' maybe. Or our own agenda or involvement bc those 'healing' conversations sound as if you were part of the mix?  That we all learn by not knowing sometimes. That we can tentatively offer but back away if someone doesn't pick it up without judging them. Or use our perception to listen for small signals that they want help or advice or a spare pair of objective glasses? And that sometimes silent listening communicates just as much as words.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2019, 03:47:06 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2019, 03:43:22 AM »
Mort, I think you would make a great counselor.  You have a unique ability to see things others may not.
That's very important for a good counselor/therapist.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2019, 04:20:44 AM »
She would most definetly make a good one for MLCers. 

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2019, 04:30:42 AM »
Attaching.
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2019, 04:37:06 AM »
She would most definetly make a good one for MLCers.

I can just see the first "client..."

And here's Mort!


Seriously though, being able to cut through the crap is very disconcerting for those who's lives are built on a foundation of lies.....

I think one of the easiest ways to start those kinds of conversations is to ask right up front if the person is coming to you for advice or not.
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #12 on: October 29, 2019, 07:30:10 AM »
  :o.. Ladies..... talk to us in a language that we understand and not in riddles!

Ha ha... oh Whyus.. you clearly don't know me at all do you.  ;D
lol, I wasnt really Talking to you directly morte. I know your a sharp shooter, i meant women in general  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #13 on: October 29, 2019, 08:18:42 AM »
Attaching.
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #14 on: October 29, 2019, 06:04:25 PM »
Many of the LBS's here I would think are people who can empathize and see through other's cr@p.  It's one of the reasons we are still her, we can feel what the MLCer feels but call them out on behaviour.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #15 on: October 29, 2019, 06:39:51 PM »
Whyus.....I think you will find quite a few of us who speak our minds very clearly and concisely.   I do think that is one of the things my xh detested about me the most.  Oh well, can't please everyone 🤷‍♀️

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #16 on: October 29, 2019, 07:22:49 PM »
I have absolutely no skill for keeping my mouth shut when I smell BS. I give lots of chances and make lots of excuses for people but when I am finally done with your BS you will know it.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2019, 02:04:52 AM »
You ever had one of those things that you can't get off your mind? It plays over and over like a broken firetrucking record...so you decide to distract yourself.

You get on an old Rock and roll playlist with some of the greatest rock out jams, you then decide to do some chores to distract yourself...8 hours later you have listened to a million songs, scrubbed the baseboards, and every cupboard in your house....yet the moment you stop it is back.

You run out of chores so you go upstairs and sit in the shower, and then decide maybe you should just go to bed early. Maybe if you got to sleep it will stop.

And then your stupid ass brain decides that since you ran around all day ignoring it...it will get you in your sleep. >:(

I mean....just asking for a friend.  ;)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #18 on: October 30, 2019, 02:11:51 AM »
Yup.
Tell your friend that it is normal when stuff is moving around in your mental attic  :)
And that the trick is to separate out the anxiety monkeys (noisy, messy, tiring bc they run around screeching and make you feel bad) from the God/universe post it notes or prods to get your attention which tend to feel a bit different.....
Ignore the content for a bit...how do you feel?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #19 on: October 30, 2019, 02:55:54 AM »
Hmm honestly a little bit like the wind has got knocked out my sails.

This is the first time I have felt like this since getting back from Tuscany.

The same stupid ''knowing'' or whatever you call it that made me get out of my comfort zone to go there, pushed me to book up and plan these next two trips.

I was so pumped and full steam ahead, passionately planning and excited and whatever.... I knew the why's.

But the last few days it is like there are some holes in may sails... there is no wind... my boat is just sitting here drifting in the in between. Nothing but my thoughts to annoy me.

Of course my thoughts now torment me with all sorts of things. Hopes, dreams, fears, worries...''I told you so''s.

They are all present and fighting for attention so of course I do what anyone does and try to ignore them. ::)

I know it will pass, but damned if it doesn't suck while you are here.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #20 on: October 30, 2019, 03:55:33 AM »
Yup
Ok, so a bit becalmed but noisy inside?
And yes it will pass...but let it flow through, Morte...it sounds like a kind of panning for gold thing, wheat from chaff perhaps?

When is your next adventure trip?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #21 on: October 30, 2019, 05:44:47 AM »
Ha I have to laugh at the insanity of the Universe. :o

Honestly I don't know who of you believe in God, or Angels, or Ghosts...or funky little sprites that just like to firetruck with you...but seriously. ::)

I spent all day yesterday in this weird monkey brain energy. Couldn't get out of my own head so I just tried to distract myself. I started to question my gut instincts on what I wanted to do...why I was doing it...blah blah blah.

Came on here this am in a sorta limbo defeated mood. Like..what is even the point...

And I swear on my life after leaving here two things happened that shook me right out of that energy.

The first I came across a video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BRrvPQzTwE

The main point of the video? You will not regret all the 'no's that you get, you will regret the things you gave up on and didn't do. ''What if I didn't give up''.

After that I went to walk my dogs...thinking this over...what she had said in the video...what was going on inside my mind...

And then I met that old man...the one from a year ago who talked to me that day...who said what a gift those beautiful kids were, how a man who couldn't see what a precious gift they were was the problem. So today I meet this old man, after I haven't seen him for some time... and you know during the polite conversation he starts to talk about a ''What if'' moment in his life. A moment he never took, and now regrets it. I had said nothing to prompt this conversation with him about What ifs...nor the conversation a year ago...yet as if he read my mind he just started to share.

I am all for coincidences but this? No this doesn't feel like a run of the mill coincidence.

And to answer your question Treasur...2 weeks. ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #22 on: October 30, 2019, 06:20:16 AM »
I think may be what Treasur commonly referred to as a "Post-It Note from the Universe."
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #23 on: October 30, 2019, 06:29:19 AM »
Morte,

I saw this once in a movie....the old man was god.....🤣🤣🤣
But seriously, you won’t get a post it note better than that!
❤️
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #24 on: October 30, 2019, 06:37:26 AM »
Morte,

I saw this once in a movie....the old man was god.....🤣🤣🤣
But seriously, you won’t get a post it note better than that!
❤️

HA! Well from what I can tell he is a lonely regretful old man for the most part. He didn't cherish his kids, put work before everything else, and ended up with a lot of regrets and I suspect at one point he might have had a drinking problem. But...I do think that sometimes messages are sent to us from unexpected places. Something to nudge you along the path you are meant to be on.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #25 on: October 30, 2019, 07:51:54 AM »
My view is there’s coincidences and then when they are too much of a coincidence. It’s no longer w coincidence.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #26 on: October 30, 2019, 08:26:11 AM »
Once is pure chance
Twice is coincidence
Third time is enemy action....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #27 on: October 30, 2019, 08:26:29 AM »
A nudge indeed  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #28 on: October 30, 2019, 02:17:48 PM »
Morte, how you've just described the old man, to me sounds like he may be a former MLC'er.  Perhaps one who figured things out a little too late?  Maybe one day it will be Beast passing along these life lessons in chance encounters?

Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #29 on: October 31, 2019, 04:18:28 AM »
Morte, you say this is the first time you're having one of these cycles since Tuscany, makes me wonder if the buzz you've been on since our trip has settled a little or gave you huge expectations for the future, and now you are scared things are not going to get better after all.

I remember you were scared before the Tuscany trip, too. You wrote about it the night before you came, you admitted it when your flight landed and you were on the tarmac waiting to go through customs and come out the other side and meet some of us. It could be that this is just how your body and mind react when you are about to do something very different, as if it's fighting against you, pushing you to keep the status quo. It seems like you've reached a great new mental place and like any big change it comes with up and down days.

To be honest, unless your weekend trips include dangerous activities, I don't see how you could be making any mistakes. 
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #30 on: October 31, 2019, 05:20:09 AM »
See this is why you are my virtual mom.  ;D


Morte, you say this is the first time you're having one of these cycles since Tuscany, makes me wonder if the buzz you've been on since our trip has settled a little or gave you huge expectations for the future, and now you are scared things are not going to get better after all.

This isn't it, as I do have huge expectations for the future, but I am not scared it won't get better. I know it will. It always does.  ;D

I remember you were scared before the Tuscany trip, too. You wrote about it the night before you came, you admitted it when your flight landed and you were on the tarmac waiting to go through customs and come out the other side and meet some of us. It could be that this is just how your body and mind react when you are about to do something very different, as if it's fighting against you, pushing you to keep the status quo. It seems like you've reached a great new mental place and like any big change it comes with up and down days.

This is probably closer to the truth. I remember looking on the board of all the people going to Tuscany. I remember talking myself out of it for months. ''I can't go I have three kids. Beast won't watch them. I shouldn't spend the money on that''. Then one day I woke up... and some little voice in my head said ''Just go for it!'' So I remember coming along late to see if there was still room, and there was...and then I was all in. I was excited all the way up to the run up to Tuscany.

Then the night before Beast was asleep downstairs...which made me nervous for entirely different reasons.  :o But I do remember a few days before starting to worry about stuff. ''Will they like me, will they not...what if I am too ___ or ____ or ____'' all those kinds of things. I knew I was still going to go, still going to do it...but the voice was there.

The day to leave it was just as if it was another day. I got up and did my thing. It wasn't until I was sitting on the plane that it even felt real to be honest. I kept thinking something would go wrong. Beast would monster and ruin it for me. But I went through the motions anyway.

Then as we got the announcement about to land I remember being nervously afraid. ''What am I doing, is this the right thing?'' blah blah blah. That nervous sick way you get when you are just about to do something kinda out there.

And then I came out...and first met Anon...and she just chatted away and I felt at ease. It didn't take long to meet the others and feel instantly at home. That is the best description I have. Home. Safe, free to be me, able to share your deepest feelings.

At any rate all the worry was for nothing yet it was there. So perhaps you are right. Perhaps it is just something my mind likes to do before I do something ''out of the ordinary''.

Whatever the case may be the little Universe nudge has it gone again. Just as quickly as I started to doubt myself, I get a little kick to say ''No. You are on the right path. Don't give up.'' and now I am back to smiling and knowing that it will all work out how it is meant to.  :)
« Last Edit: October 31, 2019, 05:22:43 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #31 on: October 31, 2019, 12:11:08 PM »
Ahh there is nothing like having Halloween with an MLCer.   :o

So for some reason he has decided all contact communication needs to go through our 9 year old. So when he asked her what time to be around, she said 4 pm  :o when it isn't even dark. At least that is the excuse he gave for showing up at 4 pm then hanging around my house like a wet blanket until trick or treat time.  ::)

I was in the kitchen making dinner for the kids...so of course he did the follow me in chat crap. Starts asking me advice about making a Business bank account. During the conversation I said plainly to him he can make all the accounts he wants, if it doesn't have my name on it it doesn't affect me. He then said ''No no you don't understand'' and repeatedly asked me the same question at least 6 times. Sigh. It is the directions thing all over again. He eventually said ''I really didn't know so I thought I should ask you since you are smart and good with all this adult stuff''. I am not proud to admit that I replied ''One of us had to be''. It was kinda childish but whatever. ::)

I then got on to how I will be having to get a proper job to support me and the kids by the end of next year, so we would have to work a better schedule out because I am not going to be able to do that only having every other weekend off. He then said something to the effect of ''Well uh...you know uh...that means...uh.. I can't. I mean..I am not exactly single anymore''. I simply said ''Well you haven't exactly been single since the start have you?'' and continued cooking as if it didn't make me roar with laughter in my head.

Then goes on to tell me about how he is the greatest guy alive. He has so many friends. Everyone likes him. No one is as funny as he is. No one is as smart as he is. Sigh... How many times have I heard this? Why does he keep trying to like..read me this script? Like I don't know exactly who is sitting in my kitchen floor? ???

Eventually I got tired of him banging on about how witty and great he was and replied ''Yeap. A regular old Shakespeare.''  ::)

He asked me ''So how are things going?'' clearly now trying to turn the tables onto my personal life. I just sorta looked at him like  ??? and continued cooking dinner. Pretty sure he is fishing for information about my where and who abouts since Tuscany. I was giving him nothing and not interested in that line of inquiry at all. Of course he then got pissed off and started a mini monster about ''See you are so firetrucking awkward''. I simply replied ''You are the only person who seems to think so''....he tried a few more insults but I wasn't rising to the bait. He walked out the kitchen in a huff.

Me and the kids ate our dinner while he sat upstairs in the boys room... ::)

Then I got the kids in their costumes and we got ready to roll. Round about the neighbourhood we went...it was pretty good. Not more chit chat. Just comfortable silence, and terrible Dad jokes given to the kids for the people at the door. The kids had a great time and came back with a massive bag of stuff.

As soon as we were back in the house...he started trying to get comfy and I was just kinda like ''Ah well thanks for coming, the kids had a great time.. You collecting them tomorrow?'' and he took the hint to leave.

Peace and quiet and the sound of kids munching away at their selected goodies for the night.

It is strange to think that this is the first real interaction I have had with him since Tuscany. Nothing beyond a ''collect the kids text'' or passing the car seats to him.

If I am completely honest I felt nothing looking at him. Not sadness, not hatred, not love...just nothing. He is just the guy who shows up when it is convenient. Before I woulda said it made me sad to say that, but now...it's just so...normal.  :-\

At any rate I guess today was a test of if I am truly done.

The answer seems to be a resounding yes.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Airmid

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #32 on: October 31, 2019, 12:51:00 PM »
Quote
He then said something to the effect of ''Well uh...you know uh...that means...uh.. I can't. I mean..I am not exactly single anymore''.

I think I would have slammed him harder.

"Anymore?  You have never been single you fool.  You have been married to me all this time and shagging the skittles Princess.  But since you brought it up - how quickly do you think we can get a divorce? I can't wait to get rid of your sorry ass."

But then then... I am years out since BD and I don't suffer fools gladly.
Good of you to have some control.   ;)

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #33 on: October 31, 2019, 01:34:19 PM »
Quote
He then said something to the effect of ''Well uh...you know uh...that means...uh.. I can't. I mean..I am not exactly single anymore''.





"Anymore?  You have never been single you fool.  You have been married to me all this time and shagging the skittles Princess.  But since you brought it up - how quickly do you think we can get a divorce? I can't wait to get rid of your sorry ass."


Hahaha, yes, Airmid......I think you are my LBS Spirit Animal 🙌🙌🙌🙌

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #34 on: October 31, 2019, 01:40:46 PM »
Well done Morte.  Today’s story doesn’t seem to have any of those rather teasing jokes where the meaning is uncertain and there’s an element of flirtation for want of a better word.  What younreport sounds grown up and assertive and clear.

I think that is a huge shift inside.  Really well done

Oh and you are not ‘too much’ anything.  You are incredibly capable and a lovely
Young woman.

Offline Airmid

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #35 on: October 31, 2019, 01:57:11 PM »
Quote
Hahaha, yes, Airmid......I think you are my LBS Spirit Animal


BeyondBlessed - possibly... quite possibly....



Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #36 on: October 31, 2019, 03:03:15 PM »
You're sounding really good, Morte! You see, you just needed to get some thoughts off your chest with us and now you are stronger than ever.

Beast has no idea how his life is about change. Sounds like your kids had a fun night. How cosy and what a lovely mother you are.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #37 on: November 01, 2019, 07:59:57 AM »
Halloween must be one of those holidays for MLCers.

It really does sound like your doing food morte. One day I’ll be you ha! But in the mean time I’ll live through you.
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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #38 on: November 04, 2019, 06:14:30 AM »
Halloween must be one of those holidays for MLCers.

It really does sound like your doing food morte. One day I’ll be you ha! But in the mean time I’ll live through you.

Mort is doing food? Oh boy. I'll have to come up with a new meme for that one... So far it has always been Mort driving the Karma Buss after getting her Drivers License....
Me - 56
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Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #39 on: November 04, 2019, 12:52:03 PM »
Hello,

I am tucked away in Louisville, KY at a interesting family literacy conference. I have been reading along as you begin to live a life that you have written about and come to accept and love yourself.

Quote
This is probably closer to the truth. I remember looking on the board of all the people going to Tuscany. I remember talking myself out of it for months. ''I can't go I have three kids. Beast won't watch them. I shouldn't spend the money on that''. Then one day I woke up... and some little voice in my head said ''Just go for it!'' So I remember coming along late to see if there was still room, and there was...and then I was all in. I was excited all the way up to the run up to Tuscany.

That was very brave of you and a different action and mindset by you. I don't know, but when have you done something solely for the benefit of Morte? Even you pursuit of an education is to support your children. This was solely for Morte and that has a special meaning and you can look at it as a stepping stone. A transition point that changed the direction of your life and mindset.

Quote
He eventually said ''I really didn't know so I thought I should ask you since you are smart and good with all this adult stuff''.... He then said something to the effect of ''Well uh...you know uh...that means...uh.. I can't. I mean..I am not exactly single anymore''.

More quotes from the man-child. He really does need to grow up. Truly, its not the affair that is burning you as much as the fact that in your relationship, there is only one true adult.

You keep focused on you and your own self-growth. You have an enormous load of responsibility on your shoulders with your children and pursuing your career.

I may be wrong, but a new Morte is emerging from the ashes of BD and the new Morte really likes who she is and where she is going.

((((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #40 on: November 04, 2019, 12:56:31 PM »
He eventually said ''I really didn't know so I thought I should ask you since you are smart and good with all this adult stuff''. I am not proud to admit that I replied ''One of us had to be''. It was kinda childish but whatever. ::)



Exactly how I would have responded to Morte. Perfect!

Quote
He then said something to the effect of ''Well uh...you know uh...that means...uh.. I can't. I mean..I am not exactly single anymore''.





"Anymore?  You have never been single you fool.  You have been married to me all this time and shagging the skittles Princess.  But since you brought it up - how quickly do you think we can get a divorce? I can't wait to get rid of your sorry ass."


Hahaha, yes, Airmid......I think you are my LBS Spirit Animal 🙌🙌🙌🙌

Me too. "I'm not exactly single anymore?"  So now he gets all morally? 

Good lord. You are awesome Morte!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anon

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #41 on: November 05, 2019, 08:05:22 PM »
Quote
"I'm not exactly single anymore?"  So now he gets all morally? 
Haha,,this made me laugh and reminds me of my h just 6 weeks after BD.  H met his ow at an out of town HS reunion, he returns to visit her just 6 weeks later for a 4 day clothing free weekend.  Once home, he says ow wants him/them to be exclusive to each other.  Haha,,,how can anyone in their right mind ask this of a married man and how can anyone agree to be exclusive while still married?  Well,,he agreed.  Foundation of sand that relationship.   Beast R is no different.   I love your “since you brought it up,,” response, lol 😂

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #42 on: November 08, 2019, 02:10:02 AM »
It has been a mentally long week. All sorts of lovely twists and turns, unexpected events. Sigh. ::)

I was up again this morning at 6 am mind racing. I thought this part was over but here we are again.

As a funny aside:
Do you think if you ask God for a sign...and the picture that hangs above your bed for the last 4 years suddenly falls of the wall and smacks you in the face as you dream about the scenario qualifies?   ;D

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So this morning I came back to the the discussion on Trust and Vulnerability which I found very interesting. Left a huge post that seems all over the place I guess, but I was just trying to highlight important points I saw people make.

But there are two main things I want to bring over here for my next big post.

Standing strong had said '' Trust is a risk, otherwise it wouldn't be hard to give. What is the risk? To be hurt again. What is the hurt? To show yourself again and be rejected.''

And on beyond blessed thread ''Don't ever settle for being tolerated and just painfully existing in someone else's space. Go where you are cherished and appreciated. Go where the love is. Stop fearing the worst and start believing in yourself and your worth''.

Right so let's get on with it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many of us have noticed there are lots of similarities between the MLCer's journey and an LBS journey. Each have stages etc.

LBS stages are something like:
1. Denial...pleading...begging God or anyone to bring the spouse back. Desperation and pain.
2. Endurance and hope. If we are strong enough for long enough they will make it out. Our love was different. We were special. If you pass the test you will be rewarded.
3. Questioning. Was our life as good as I thought? What did I miss? Full life and self inspection commences.
4. Limbo and healing. Now with that information what do we want to do. Do we continue to stand or do we move on?
5. Freedom?--- Not sure yet. Will get back to you on this one.

And then right here is what I want to talk about. What happens between this Limbo and the next stage of Freedom. What keeps us stuck there before we finally break free?

I think for a lot of us it has to do with the Apology that will never come. I think at this stage many of us are actually done with our spouse, with the past, with the pain. Many people are ready for a new chapter and a new life. Maybe they start to date, pretend they are okay, that they have GAL and moved on...but they still hold on. Why is that?

It comes back to SS quote above about Trust. These are the people we have trusted the most in our life. The people we have showed all of ourselves to. And they brutally painfully rejected us. So we want recognition, validation, appreciation. We want them to say ''You were right''. ''You were a good spouse'', ''you were a good person'', ''you stood when no one else would''...''you took on all the responsibilities I never could''.

So we remain chained in limbo waiting. Waiting for validation from the very person who took it away.



Until one day you no longer care about their validation. You finally know and accept in your heart that it will never ever come. That you are enough. That you did more than anyone else could or would. Sure you were not perfect, but you were about as close as a human could be given the situation.  :P

Which leads us beautifully into beyond's quote. Go where the love is. Go where you are appreciated. Stop fearing the worst and believe in yourself. Couldn't have said it any better than that.

So what is the key to getting out of Limbo?

Accepting the apology will never come, and going where the love is.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Whyus

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #43 on: November 08, 2019, 02:24:20 AM »
As a funny aside:
Do you think if you ask God for a sign...and the picture that hangs above your bed for the last 4 years suddenly falls of the wall and smacks you in the face as you dream about the scenario qualifies?   ;D
My first thought was that it was just Beasts skills or lack of skills around the house and then i thought "Morte probably put that Picture up herself"  ;)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I think for a lot of us it has to do with the Apology that will never come.
YES YES YES YES AND firetruckING YES !
So what is the key to getting out of Limbo?
Accepting the apology will never come, and going where the love is.
YES YES YES YES AND firetruckING YES !
You nailed it  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
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Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #44 on: November 08, 2019, 02:41:52 AM »
Morte, you know who you are.  You don't need validation or "proof" of that from anyone else.  Trust is a risk, but there's a huge difference between the blind trust we once so foolishly gave and a discerning trust that is based upon actions rather than just words and empty promises.  A person's behavior is what should determine the amount of trust and faith we have in him or her.  For me, it's all about words matching actions.  If that isn't there, then trust is not either, and so ends the interest.

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #45 on: November 08, 2019, 02:47:49 AM »
Yep, I agree 100% Mort!   ;D ;D

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass..
It's about learning to dance in the rain.   
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #46 on: November 08, 2019, 02:48:25 AM »
Morte, a lot of thinking going on there!

‘What is the key getting out of Limbo?’

Excellent question which, in my opinion, many LBSs should be asking.
If I’m allowed to offer a rather simplistic, not simple, view, I’d say the key is to do with ditching the way a person sees one’s own situation as a MLC situation and frame it without all that garnish that goes with MLC lens in order to get out of that Limbo state.

The main garnish is the underlying (almost at unconscious level) assumption that our errant spouses will somehow go through the steps of MLC journey to emerge from his crisis some time in the future all grown and wisened up, having dealt with his issues, and LBS is waiting for that moment. 

Another garnish is the underlying and often unspoken hope/belief that MLCer will want to return to LBS when he/she exists the tunnel.  You can witness this on some threads where LBSs are intent on cherry-picking one or more cases to hold on to their hope/belief.  We don’t tend to do this in other matters in RL. 

So, simplistically and briefly put, I offer my view that the underlying current of ‘waiting’ has to do with being entrenched in Limbo. 

Now, I’m not saying that’s the case with you, Morte.  Just my general thought on this. 

Added later: Shoot, Thunder!  Great minds, eh?! 
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 02:50:31 AM by Acorn »
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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #47 on: November 08, 2019, 03:05:07 AM »
Quote from: Mortesbride
It comes back to SS quote above about Trust. These are the people we have trusted the most in our life. The people we have showed all of ourselves to. And they brutally painfully rejected us. So we want recognition, validation, appreciation. We want them to say ''You were right''. ''You were a good spouse'', ''you were a good person'', ''you stood when no one else would''...''you took on all the responsibilities I never could''.

So we remain chained in limbo waiting. Waiting for validation from the very person who took it away.

Until one day you no longer care about their validation. You finally know and accept in your heart that it will never ever come. That you are enough. That you did more than anyone else could or would. Sure you were not perfect, but you were about as close as a human could be given the situation.  :P

Which leads us beautifully into beyond's quote. Go where the love is. Go where you are appreciated. Stop fearing the worst and believe in yourself. Couldn't have said it any better than that.

So what is the key to getting out of Limbo?

Accepting the apology will never come, and going where the love is.

I would add to this something that I believe is crucial to growing forward from Limbo and that is the HEALING part. THAT is the part where we come to the conclusion that we ARE, in fact, "good enough." We WERE, in fact, a "good spouse." We ARE a "good person." Note that 2 of three of these are ARE and not WERE!  That healing part of Limbo is where we regain our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our own Intuition, our own initiative, our own thirst for life, a lot of the things that we lost to or sacrificed on the altar of keeping our M afloat in the midst of the MLC storm.

Once that healing is firmly underway, I believe that we tend to propel ourselves out of limbo towards our future... Because, once we begin healing, we stop naval-gazing and waiting for things to happen to us. Instead, we initiate things happening for and with us...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #48 on: November 08, 2019, 03:11:00 AM »
I hope this discussion continues. 
I think it may be very helpful to us.
What gets us stuck and what gets us out of limbo is an important topic.

I cannot help but notice that Waiting contains within it dependence on another person’s course of action, whereas Healing, as UM mentioned,  is contained within, self generated. 


« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 03:32:33 AM by Acorn »
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Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #49 on: November 08, 2019, 03:41:43 AM »
Such an interesting question.
Hmm, validation and waiting.

I am painting my refurbished daybed this morning....very pale grey, looks lovely...listening to podcasts and thinking about grey cats and forgiveness. ( no magic link between the two, separate subjects lol)

I still feel a quiet underlying sense of disbelief sometimes. And a disbelief that I still feel disbelief after four years  :) The good thing is that I observe it rather than feel it if that makes sense, but i feel a bit stupid that I can still have disbelief about it all so it's an odd thing. No idea why I still have it. My best guess is that nothing about what happened fitted my paradigms about me, my past, my then h or how normal life works. To make them fit though, I would have to believe some things about me, my former h and normal life that I don't want to adopt as guiding beliefs bc they don't feel like who I am or a good way to be.

Disbelief is the bit in the middle maybe.

I don't need validation from my xh to confirm that I am a good human worthy of love and respect. I don't even need now validation from my IC, or friends, or you guys here to assure me that I am not insane or imagining how weird it all was.  :) My xh destroyed me when I was grief-stricken and ill, destroyed 20 years of my reality and put me through hell bc that worked better for him at the time (for whatever reason). He metaphorically spat on me and what I valued. He dehumanised me in order to feel ok. I can't imagine any words that would balance that out. And no karma bus that would change it...both the inhumanity of the destruction and my own rebuilding.

I am not standing and therefore not waiting in that sense.
And yet
There is a small bit of me that craves some kind of honest acknowledgement by my xh, something that speaks to that WTF feeling. It isn't an apology. It isn't personal validation. It isn't about being right. It is just some sort of unfinished being seen feeling I think, something authentic, something that feels right instead of everything feeling so weirdly wrong, something graceful that honours me and our m and every moment of those 20 years bc they were not nothing. And I am not nothing. It is hard to forgive without some authenticity....just silence. Maybe it is like a second hand book with the last few pages missing...actually that is probably the closest I can get to the feeling.

Very odd bit of residue. I am not waiting bc I have trained myself to expect nothing from him now. I no longer believe in him having good intent although I don't believe he is a bad person, just a damaged one. I am not in Limbo bc I am not standing bc I can't live with lies or cruelty and having survived this, I won't.  But there is a tiny bit of me that feels as if I am waiting for something to seal the edges somehow, even though I am not sure what it is.

I think Acorn is quite right about the waiting and some of the not always conscious assumptions that come with an MLC lens. Once I got to WIW instead of MLC, those assumptions went for me and I could just say idk. In a way, perhaps, what mattered to me was dealing with my own disbelief that anyone, let alone my then h, would behave like this...rather than his unknown future/recovery. Maybe in five years time, I will pop up here telling you that he followed the MLC path to the letter ha ha...but that is relevant to his future not mine..

I suspect the waiting has layers that are different for different LBS? Waiting for a x/spouse to be a decent parent again or waiting for them to seem normal or waiting for Monster to stop or waiting for an adult to communicate with or waiting for the Karma bus to give you a sense of justice or waiting for them to leave you in peace or......maybe working out the space between Limbo and next is about figuring out what you are waiting for bc it is quite tricksy?

As UM says there is a difference between healing and healed, but sometimes you only feel it with a kind of time delay and looking back a little. It's a shift I think more than a choice...but built from other choices and actions to heal.


Oh and the God/picture thing...funny  :)...I usually assume God has a rule of three too so ask him to keep showing me post it notes if he really wants me to get it bc I can be a bit duh sometimes  :)

And thank you Morte, bc by raising these questions, you have helped me pin down something I couldn't pin down at all. And once I can 'name it', I can figure out how to use it or live with it or get rid of it. I feel as if I spent almost 20 years reading this great book, really got into it and then found that someone had ripped the last few pages out....exactly that. Am I waiting for the pages?
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 03:59:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #50 on: November 08, 2019, 05:02:51 AM »

Accepting the apology will never come, and going where the love is.


I think simply, Morte, that if you go where the love is, you’ll stop giving a monkey’s uncle about any apology.
It just won’t matter, even a smidgeon.

That won’t be quite true for us all depending on our particular circumstances.  But I hope it is true for you. X

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #51 on: November 08, 2019, 09:06:29 AM »
This thread is exactly what I needed to read this morning.  Touching on my own journey in so many ways trying to put a finger on how I'm feeling.

Quote
I feel as if I spent almost 20 years reading this great book, really got into it and then found that someone had ripped the last few pages out....exactly that. Am I waiting for the pages?

Treasur, I read this and thought this is where I am right now.  Mine is just the same only reading for 28 years until someone not only ripped the pages out but burned them as well and it was the only copy of the book. 

When my kids were younger they were all reading a series of books called Choose your own Adventure.  You got to read to a certain point and then decide what you wanted to happen to by choosing your own ending.  This always bothered me.  I am a creature of habit and wanted the end spelled out for me.  This has been the hardest part of my journey so far.  It's been scary and has made me dig deep to choose my own adventure. 

As for an apology from our spouses.  I thought I was always waiting on this as well, until I actually got one.  It didn't change a thing for me.  Words don't carry quite the value they used to.  I am mourning this a little as my H and I used to write cards and letter back and forth expressing love.  Actions are really the only thing I value anymore.   

Thanks for the thread Morte.  Very thought provoking. 
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #52 on: November 08, 2019, 10:32:28 AM »

Accepting the apology will never come, and going where the love is.


And for me, right now, it is with my S13. I get caught up in the whole...."I need to find a new H/partner"  crap.  But I have love all around me. My family, my friends.....and even some new friends I am reminded of as I look upon a certain ring I bought for myself in Porto Venere Italy.

As long as we are not waiting....but rather healing, and surrounding ourselves with the love that is there instead of focusing on what is lost, I think we move forward.

Morte--that picture falling though. Yikes! Hope you didn't get injured.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #53 on: November 08, 2019, 11:58:11 AM »
Quote
Treasur, I read this and thought this is where I am right now.  Mine is just the same only reading for 28 years until someone not only ripped the pages out but burned them as well and it was the only copy of the book.

Roo, I have fought hard to keep my copy of the book. Sometimes that has been difficult. It might have added to my sense of grief maybe. But I felt determined to fight having part of my life and my treasures erased too just bc my xh decided that me and those twenty years were nothing. Maybe it is just stubbornness  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #54 on: November 08, 2019, 01:34:17 PM »

Accepting the apology will never come, and going where the love is.


I think simply, Morte, that if you go where the love is, you’ll stop giving a monkey’s uncle about any apology.
It just won’t matter, even a smidgeon.

That won’t be quite true for us all depending on our particular circumstances.  But I hope it is true for you. X

Perhaps you are right Nerissa. Maybe it really is this simple.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #55 on: November 08, 2019, 10:31:21 PM »
I feel as if I spent almost 20 years reading this great book, really got into it and then found that someone had ripped the last few pages out....exactly that. Am I waiting for the pages?
Are you waiting to be ready to write your own pages? To decide that the book wasn't what you were expecting, so you have to create your own ending?

How does one get out of limbo? By being able to choose their own adventure without waiting for anyone else to make a decision. Which sometimes takes time: to heal,  to grow, to know what you want your adventure to be.

I am not and was not waiting for an apology, fwiw. Some of us get stuck in limbo because reconciling the good times with what the MLCER claimed was a horrible experience for them is mind numbing. How can I have been so happy if he was so miserable? Does not compute, Danger, Will Robinson, does not compute!!! Reality is broken. It takes a bit to realize that buying a new intact mirror might be a better choice than trying to piece together a shattered one that was special to you.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #56 on: November 09, 2019, 02:57:35 AM »
Limbo for me would have been the worst place to take up any kind of residence.  It's always been black and white for me.....you're either in or you're out.  I don't bargain on multiple levels of self worth or self respect.  I'm either you're first and only choice or I'm gone.  That makes limbo not even an a option to begin with. 

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #57 on: November 10, 2019, 03:09:47 AM »
So in the lead up to my weekend away I am thinking about...


Feeding the two sides of yourself.

How utterly and incomprehensibly complicated we can be as human beings.

I am finally free of limbo, and feel as if I have walked out of the door of freedom....

And there are so many choices. So many options. So many paths to choose.

It feels like my brain has exploded with all sorts of ideas, thoughts, wants, dreams...It is as if I examine each one... feeding a particular part of myself, a need that has been ignored, a want that has been squashed...and I stick each thought in a blender...one by one...and then hit the button.

They all become mixed and swirled. Then when I pull them back out they don't all work together. No one thing can feed all the parts that are starving. So many choices.

How do we feed all the parts of ourselves that have been denied for years? How do you regain who you were, or who you feel you have always been inside...yet were not allowed to be?

After living for 16 years as this one person...to please another....how do you start to feed all these aching parts of you?

Why do I feel like such a complicated human being?

I have this like deeply feminine woman who likes cute fluffy things, believes in true love, and light, and hope...who wants a man in her life to love and be loved by...

Then I have this dark fiercely independent competitive wild side...that needs a challenge...needs to feel free...wants to need no one. Wants to shut everyone out.

I wonder if this is a similar problem our MLCers faced, and they just get stuck in one side. Then after a while they feel they have to break free to feed the starving side of themselves they shut away?

How can we feed both parts of us without losing our $h!te and blowing up our world?

After the initial excitement of rushing through the door...I have come to an opening with so much possibility...so many options...that I actually don't know which way to go. And I worry I won't make the right choice. And each side of me feels differently about it.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #58 on: November 10, 2019, 03:53:11 AM »
I suspect we are like diamonds...way more than two sides actually. Times in our life feed some bits more than others maybe. I have had champagne swilling high heeled days and cuddling up with a cat knitting in front of a fire days and running on a beach days and digging in unglamourous wellies days and playing the global executive on a plane days and holding the hand of people I love days. All me...done in my own way.

How? Fwiw...honour the diamond and trial and error. Remove what does not give you joy or satisfaction. Nibble on the different things that do or might. Own your s$it. Be a grown up. Don't confuse what you do or what others think about you with who you are. Know that need and want are different. Embrace the both/and as part of your story. And we are all a story  :)...the broken folks imho struggle with almost all of this....
« Last Edit: November 10, 2019, 03:55:06 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #59 on: November 10, 2019, 06:26:53 AM »
Mort, years ago when my kids were very young, I went to the doctor for feeling kind of depressed and it wouldn't go away.

It turned out I had some decisions to make but was stalling over fear of not deciding correctly.

My doctor told me even making a bad decision is better than making no decision at all.  You can fix a bad decision, but making no decision is what causes us stress.
(I don't expect he meant a life altering bad decision)

I have no idea if that helps, but his words have stuck with my for years, and helped when I have decisions to make.

You sound super exciting about what your new life may look like.  So many possibilities.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #60 on: November 10, 2019, 12:36:49 PM »
I've always been of the mind to make a decision. If it's the wrong one, turn around and make a different one. Rinse and repeat until it feels right (If you accidentally hurt someone, apologize along the way).

But as to which side do you feed, why not feed them both? Go be independent AND enjoy fluffy things. If you happen to meet some great guy while you are doing that, score. One of my favorite things that happened to me was when I had just broken up with someone and thought I would be alone forever (I was 31). I was hiking up a mountain less than a week after the breakup and this man coming down looked at me and said " I doubt you are single, but would you consider going out with me? I think I'd like to know you." People show up all over the place when you are doing something you enjoy. (I was in no way ready to date anyone, but it was still nice). Back in the day before I was old and broken, I had men coming up to me in gas stations wondering if I was available.

You can not NEED anyone, but still be open to having them in your life. You can also need to have someone in your life and still manage just fine without them until they arrive.

The feeling of being "Free" is intoxicating at first. So many things so little time. Then it becomes just pleasant. ;)
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #61 on: November 10, 2019, 02:27:32 PM »
Morte,

You are fearfully and wonderfully made....I think sometimes we try to make ourselves and other people and situations be simple and black and white.....how could we? We are far to complex and intricate to just be one thing.

You can try them all dear, and all of those hats will still be you, you will decide which hats are ones you will wear every day, some weekly monthly others only every once in a while...you may try on one you thought suited you and find that it doesn’t....and you get to decide just how long to wear each one before switching to the next.

They are still you, and you cannot possibly fail at being you.

These are the adventures of Morte herself. Think of it as dating yourself, take your time, savor it, get to know you, I think you will like her enormously. 😊
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #62 on: November 11, 2019, 03:31:54 AM »
So 4 days to go to my weekend in Edinburgh.

Bags already packed.

Getting my nails done tomorrow morning, and my hair done on Friday morning.

Not sure why I kept those two appointments seeing as I am not meeting anyone, but I guess I figured it will be nice to look my best even if it is just me.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #63 on: November 11, 2019, 04:19:30 AM »
Quote from: Mortesbride
They all become mixed and swirled. Then when I pull them back out they don't all work together. No one thing can feed all the parts that are starving. So many choices.

How do we feed all the parts of ourselves that have been denied for years? How do you regain who you were, or who you feel you have always been inside...yet were not allowed to be?

After living for 16 years as this one person...to please another....how do you start to feed all these aching parts of you?

Maybe this is too simplistic but... For me, the answer is/was "One Bite at a time"

Trying to feed all the aching parts at once is like trying to herd cats or a gaggle of Kindergarden kids - too much chaos, too many things trying to pull you in different directions all at the same time.. too much input vying for your attention... Courage said that you can try on all the hats you wish and that is absolutely true.. as long as you don't try them all at the same time - Otherwise, some of the nicer ones might not fit because your skull is already occupied.. Some of the hats won't fit anyway when you try them on, some will fit but look horrible, some will do the job of keeping your head warm or the sun off, and then there are those too that leave you feeling like you are lookin' GOOD!

You've already started with the "Travel Hat" and are making a go of it... Which hat is next?
« Last Edit: November 11, 2019, 04:21:51 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
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Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #64 on: November 11, 2019, 05:09:07 AM »
Morte, you already know this, but getting nails and hair done is for you. Doesnt have to be for someone else. I think alot of us used to do things like looking nice or fixing up was always for somebody else.
It's your time now.

Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #65 on: November 11, 2019, 03:11:06 PM »
I agree with Helping, it's for you now.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online Whyus

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #66 on: November 11, 2019, 10:41:44 PM »
Getting my nails done tomorrow morning, and my hair done on Friday morning.

Not sure why I kept those two appointments seeing as I am not meeting anyone, but I guess I figured it will be nice to look my best even if it is just me:)
All the more reason to be the best Version of yourself that you can be. You can look proudly in the Mirror and know that you are important and worth a new nail Job and hair.
I hope that you have a lovely Weekend away, you deserve it.

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
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Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #67 on: November 11, 2019, 10:50:19 PM »
Give Arthur's Seat a wave from me, Morte...oooh and Jenners, had some fine browsing in there years back. Lots of lovely things to do in Edinburgh, one of my favourite cities so enjoy your weekend and any adventures that come with it. Occurs to me that marriage to an anxious Beast has made your world smaller than a Morte world would naturally be so great that you are exploring....and who knows, maybe Edinburgh might be a fine place to live and work in your future plans  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #68 on: November 12, 2019, 01:18:46 AM »
Gosh, Morte, I think Treasur has completely summed it up! To Edinburgh!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #69 on: November 12, 2019, 07:51:01 AM »
I've just realised in all my self reflective postings lately I haven't even bothered updating about my MLCer which seems weird because this is the whole point of this website right? To document the shenanigans of the nut case.  ::)

So I guess I will give a brief overview for scientific purposes and those who are curious what's going on in coo coo ville.

The only talk we have really had was on Halloween when he informed me he is ''not exactly single anymore'' even though that is hardly a news flash for the past 2 years.  ???

Most of the time pick up and drop off is a politely co-ordinated passing of the car seats and scheduling details.

He seems to have got the idea I am no longer interested in buddy buddy texting with him, and has resorted to sending texts to daughter all the time. This includes videos of a pug dog statue named ''Bruno'' pretending to eat sweets... :o

The last time I saw him was at the ''Family dentist appointment''. He walked over to meet us (he lives relatively close). He waited with us for about 45 minutes, while we get all the kids teeth checked...then when it was his turn he kinda freaked out and said he would come back later?  :o I said ''Why come here, wait 45 minutes, then not even get your teeth checked when that was the point?'' ... he then said he only came to help me with the kids. I checked outside, but no...hell isn't froze over so... ::)

At any rate during this time he looked chalky..pasty white looking...hair unkempt...I commented saying ''You alright? You look a bit off'' he then went on about how he is stressed trying to create a bank account for some business he is starting. Apparently now the writer (who has still to release a book ::)) is now going to start his own Multi media company. Sigh. It would be nice for just one of these crack pot ideas to actually go somewhere. Instead they all just get going for a bit and left for the next thing.

The last weekend the kids were over, daughter found a card in his room. ''To my lovely girlfriend''. She was upset and text me. I told her ''I am sorry it upset you, perhaps you should speak with him about it''. She never did. If I am honest it didn't even hurt...not a tiny bit. The only thing I felt was a bit of a sigh..and that's kinda pathetic but there you go. I guess another sign I am definitely done. There just isn't anything left to feel for him anymore.

I think he has noticed my distance...started to buy the 'treat' offerings and send them in with the kids again. Starting to ask the kids questions again. They really are pretty predictable aren't they?

I am waiting for the inevitable ''what are we doing for Christmas to come''. Going to avoid giving a solid answer until after my December trip...

Because this year my answer is no. No I do not want to spend Christmas with you or your mom. He can have the kids for Christmas dinner if the kids want, but I am not going over again.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #70 on: November 12, 2019, 10:13:33 AM »
Getting my nails done tomorrow morning, and my hair done on Friday morning.

Not sure why I kept those two appointments seeing as I am not meeting anyone, but I guess I figured it will be nice to look my best even if it is just me:)
All the more reason to be the best Version of yourself that you can be. You can look proudly in the Mirror and know that you are important and worth a new nail Job and hair.
I hope that you have a lovely Weekend away, you deserve it.


Agree!!  Doing things for ourselves is important for maintaining self love. At least that is what I tell myself when I make my Botox appointments. LOL.  Have a great time in Edinburgh!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anon

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #71 on: November 12, 2019, 05:55:18 PM »
Quote
Not sure why I kept those two appointments seeing as I am not meeting anyone, but I guess I figured it will be nice to look my best even if it is just me.  :)
Looking like a million bucks often leads to feeling like a million bucks - and that will show through in everything you do, even if they don't notice the hair & nails.

Have a fabulous weekend in Edinburgh, Morte. 


Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #72 on: November 13, 2019, 09:17:57 AM »
Wednesday. Visitation day.

Beast had to walk over. Claims something is wrong with the brand new car. Couldn't decide if it was the brakes or something else. Changed the story three times. Pretty sure that is code for he is grounded again.

Imagine being nearly 36 and grounded from using the car. Honestly.  ::)

I don't even remember what nonsense he is talking about other than two things really.

1. He has now declared he is to old for Festival nonsense. This coming from the guy who has spent the last two years going to multiple rock concerts with his kid brother.  ???

2. Says he will see me on my return Sunday night and ''Don't take to many drugs. I don't want you to die''.  :o :o What in the hell? I said ''What?!'' and he said ''Yeah just like -guy from my work-. I know what it is like when a young woman goes out partying''.... :o :o :o I replied ''Well don't worry if I do you get the house and the kids''...he looked horrified and said ''You would probably haunt me''.

So what in the blue Hell was that? I thought I was matron Morte with no life pining away for him...now I am a young woman out partying high on life?!  :o

And we write this one down in the book of WTF.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #73 on: November 13, 2019, 10:58:21 AM »
Morte,

That was drama lama.....being superior it sounds like.....how very reactive....
You go out.....suddenly you are a wild party animal and he must be the adult to your out of control living-it-up-on-the-town.

🤣🤣🤣

Well good luck to him....he will find being the adult in the room is a lot harder than he thought and not as much fun.

😉
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #74 on: November 13, 2019, 10:59:44 AM »
Hmmm...projection was my first thought...maybe Beast has been trying some stuff out partying with the young ones  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #75 on: November 13, 2019, 01:22:02 PM »
Hmmm...projection was my first thought...maybe Beast has been trying some stuff out partying with the young ones  ::)

This was my first thought too.Also, my guess is he is fishing for info.

I would pay money to have seen that horrified look on his face over the thought of having to take care of your 3 littles all on his own. He can't even take care of himself.

Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #76 on: November 13, 2019, 02:26:36 PM »
Ahhhhhh, isn't their idiotic projection of their own lives just a breath of fresh bs?  Kinda funny how these morons give themselves away like that so freely and easily.  Sounds like he's made some really adult choices.  🙄🙄

I hope you have fantastic travels and come back all partied up 🙌🙌

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #77 on: November 14, 2019, 03:06:52 AM »
‘Sfunny - I hadn’t thought of projection and that he might be partying and doing risky things.  I mean ow likes Disney films and skittles right?

When I read it I thought of a fearful child, imagining what dangers and frightening experiences might lie outside for someone who dares to step outside the box and try autonomy.

Either way, you are doing really well.  Not too many drug dealers in Princes Street, unless I just look the wrong way.  Xx
« Last Edit: November 14, 2019, 03:09:11 AM by Nerissa »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #78 on: November 14, 2019, 03:19:29 AM »
So, Skittles Princess has put him on House Arrest and taken his car key away...


And then he starts in about YOU going out and partying too much on the back of his "I'm too old" pity Party...

If I were to make a SWAG, I wonder if he's projecting his partying and THAT is why he can't drive or go to parties anymore - Maybe he went a little overboard and Skittles took an exception to it?

Regardless, I'm with KiT here. The look of shock on his face must have been priceless when he contemplated having to step up to be a REAL father...

Dress warmly as it appears Scotland might see some snow this weekend....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #79 on: November 14, 2019, 03:51:29 AM »
his "too old for Festivals" speech was basically a "im too old, what happened to my life!" speece. The classic MLC BS, no more no less.
Im 46 and attend 4-5 Festivals a year, am I childish? People who dont know the "Scene" may think so but i am certainly not the oldest there and at least 60% are older than I am. Most of the musicians are over 50  ;D.

As UM said, it was just a pity Party. Pour Little Boy, and to top it all off the love of his life is our in the big City partying, taking drugs and "dancing" with Chippendales whilst hes on the Playstation ;D.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #80 on: November 18, 2019, 08:26:54 AM »
Well I survived.  8)

It was a pretty good weekend overall considering the circumstances. Not what I originally hoped and planned for, but interesting none the less.

First order of business was getting dinner Friday night. Asking for a table of one was a bit weird, and I could see people staring at me throughout the meal as if to say ''Is she by herself? What the heck''. Even the young waiter was giving me funny looks. I think he asked ''Are you waiting for someone?'' and I said no before ordering. That wasn't the best feeling but whatever.

After that I went to the comedy club which was great, had lots of laughs and really enjoyed myself. It was really good but also awkward. I was again sat at a table by myself, and you could feel the eyes on you. All the couples cosied up with their drinks, the groups of guys and girls all together for a night out on the town. Then me....sat their on my Todd.  ::) Once the show finally started you kinda forgot about it, but...it still would have been a lot nicer to share with someone.

It really made me realise how much I like company. Not because I need company...I was very much okay on my own...but I just...like it. Everywhere I always went was with Beast from the time I was 17-30. Then came kids...then the dogs. So even when the kids are away the dogs are there. It is strange to be on your own. While there is a freedom to think ''Oh I can do what I like...'' and you can walk around without listening to someone moan or groan or whatever...it is also not nearly as fulfilling as spending time with someone you love, and who loves you.

I was texting with a LBS about missing company, and they said it isn't about company....but having someone who really likes you around even if you do nothing. That basically summarised my feelings exactly.

I can go out on my own, and drink, or party, or go to fancy dinners...but really..I would rather just sit in the park with a special person. Even if you aren't talking. Just watching people go by. Sitting next to each other in a comfortable silence, or laughing and joking about the silly things you see.

I think I get a lot of joy, from the joy on the other person's face. While I enjoyed the comedy routine and jokes...I know it would have been even better watching the laugh and joy on the other person's face. I suppose that is just the way I am built. I get happiness from making someone else happy.

At any rate.. Saturday out I go again. Breakfast for one. As I am sitting I hear a group of Americans behind me. I found myself in a strange moment as I ate my pancakes and sipped my coffee...I could hear them, and I knew where they were from... but instead of the old feeling I used to get...like wanting to talk to someone from ''home''....I had a different feeling. They sounded odd to me. They sounded different. What a strange feeling. For years after moving to the UK I used to love hearing a fellow American. It somehow made me feel less...alone. But not this time. This time I still felt very much alone not just at the table, but in that I don't belong anywhere.

So after that I went for a bit of unexpected shopping. For myself. That never happens but today..why not? I then sat down in the Princes street gardens and looked up at the castle for a while. Since it was cold there wasn't many people there, which was nice because...it is hard to get a bit of space in Edinburgh sometimes. I think I sat there for a little while before I decided I should go get lunch or something like normal sane human being... ::)

As I was walking I noticed a homeless man. They are all over in Edinburgh. Every 10 feet another one sitting. You never really know which ones are truly homeless and who may be at it. I don't really know and don't care to judge...but this guy stood out to me. He was frail looking, in his late 20s early 30s...his face was gaunt and he was shivering. I thought to myself I would like to help him, as I often do when passing by. Generally if I tried to do something nice Beast would get pissed off at me, heckle me...tell me to mind my own business...that I was a mug. Maybe I am. Who is to say....at any rate I turned around and walked back to the BK I had just passed, I went in and ordered a meal to go...and then I took it out to him. As I approached him I said ''I am sorry that I don't have any change on me to give you, but I thought maybe you would like this?'' and he looked up at me..and saw the bag in my hand...and I have never seen a grown man so close to crying. He took the meal off me and said thank you, and quickly began to unwrap it...so I just walked away to leave him dignity to eat in peace. It felt good to help someone, but also made me think...of all the times I wanted to help someone and didn't because of what Beast would say. How can helping someone ever be something you should feel bad about? Yet it was. If I told him about it he would mock and jeer me even now. But it is who I am so...another reason I suppose we are no longer compatible...

I took my shopping back to the hotel, and just had a rest and relax for a bit until dark. Then I decided to wander down to the Christmas Fair. They have all the stalls out, with the homemade goods, and the German food...and beer...pancakes and sweets...they had fair ground rides like a Ferris Wheel and carousel. Again it might have been a nice place to wander holding hands and pointing at objects. But alone it is a bit like being shoved about for no real enjoyment. I have never been particularly fond of crowds in the first place, specially when they are so close they are bumping into you, and you can't walk until a line in front of you moves. It became to much for me if I am honest, but it was always a lot better if I had someone with me because I guess you are distracted by them. Laughing and joking. At any rate it only took about 30 minutes for me to crack and wanna escape the Christmas Fair as fast as humanly possible.  :o

I then decided to brave a pub...as a single female. :o Sigh... now ladies...this is a double edged sword I must say. For one...it draws a lot of attention, I suppose mostly because people are curious why you are there alone. For two...it then signals some sort of green light for every man who finds you remotely attractive to then approach you and offer you a drink. While this is highly good for boosting your confidence and self esteem...stroking that ego....it is also pretty daunting. At least for me anyway. After the 4th man approached me, for me to kindly refuse his offer.... I started to ask myself what exactly was I here to prove? That I CAN go out without someone? That I am not afraid? Well here I was...sitting...doing it...just because...but I wasn't enjoying it. The only reason the idea to drink ever really appeals in the first place is to enjoy the company you are with. I was here surrounded by strangers so why the hell am I even here? So I decided to leave, buy and bottle of wine, and go back to my hotel room and enjoy my own company. Mostly because it wasn't very fun, but also because who knows how differently things could go if you accept a drink from the wrong man. Seemed dangerous, and wreckless, and stupid...just to prove some point.  ::)

And this whole bar experience just made me realise that it isn't about looking for a connection with just anyone. It is looking for a connection with someone on the same wave length as you. Someone you can open up to, be yourself with...not feel judged. Maybe MLCers or some more socially outgoing people can go into a bar, and pick up a stranger and be perfectly happy. But that is not me. It never was, and apparently still isn't. Not for a lack of ability, but more from...emotion. I need some sort of emotional connection to a person. To feel we are on the same page for at least some of it..to feel seen as a person. Which of course is hard to find after so much emotional pain and things. After hiding behind a wall. It can't be forced it just has to happen. But I guess it is good to reconfirm what you already think you know about yourself. ::)

So in Summary what did I learn?

I learned that I don't NEED company, but I do WANT it. Giving to someone else brings me more joy than giving to myself. In a similar way experiencing life with someone else is a big part of what I enjoy, because the joy I obtain from doing all these things...is from watching the person.. not the actual activity itself.

But this need to spread joy doesn't just apply to the person I love. Sometimes I want to spread joy to a stranger, and I know not everyone get's it..but I do. I don't really care about societal do's and don'ts. I just want to do it, in the moment, because I WANT to. And I should never be made to feel bad about that.

And on a more sombre note. I still don't feel like I belong anywhere. I don't belong in the UK. I don't belong in the USA. I think the problem is I always felt my home was with the person I love...and so when there is no person to love you feel alone. Truly alone. No matter where you go. I miss having a home.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #81 on: November 18, 2019, 09:53:29 AM »
Well, Morte, I think it sounds like you had a very useful weekend. Sometimes trying things to see what you don't like is part of building your internal GPS perhaps?

I remember visiting that Christmas Fair years ago and how pretty it was underneath the castle.

What was interesting was that you missed the right kind of company...understandable...but it didn't sound like you were wishing Beast was there.

And that home feeling? Yup I get that. It sounds as if you need some more grown up humans to play with, not necessarily romantically, just people who get you and you enjoy. Nothing wrong with that at all. Seems very normal after being a mum with small children too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #82 on: November 18, 2019, 01:24:54 PM »
Well, Morte, now you know that going out all on your own to try something new is not your thing.

Regarding you not feeling you belong anywhere, I find that very interesting. I have been feeling exactly like you this particular week. I'm half and half, my father was Italian but I was born in London. I thought I leant more towards England as my home although I prefer to live in Italy, but I realized the other day that I don't really feel at home in England any more. I find it very cosy, and there's lots of yummy edibles I miss, but when I was in London just recently, surrounded by English people on the tube, in the shops, they seemed quite alien to me. I didn't feel I fit in at all. I'm sure they thought the same of me.

Since you're saying something similar, I wonder if our feelings are simply because we are not 100% from the place we're living in, or is it combined with one of the side effects of BD: the ground being taken from beneath our feet, suddenly doubting whether we are enough, doubting all our memories, are we even capable of remembering correctly? Where we ever completely aware of what was happening around us? If our H's don't think we're worth having around, maybe others don't think we fit in either? Maybe who we were before BD isn't who we really are? Who are we? I am not the same person I was before BD, who am I? Am I a new person? Am I still the person I was before I met my H? Who was the person I was before I met my H? Is it worth being that person again? Was she any good? How far back in time do I have to go to find the real, effective version of me so that I can start again on who I am supposed to be?............

Just wondering since you are saying exactly how I've been feeling.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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