Author Topic: My Story Beauty into Beast 16  (Read 1620 times)

Offline Nerissa

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My Story Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #50 on: November 08, 2019, 05:02:51 AM »

Accepting the apology will never come, and going where the love is.


I think simply, Morte, that if you go where the love is, you’ll stop giving a monkey’s uncle about any apology.
It just won’t matter, even a smidgeon.

That won’t be quite true for us all depending on our particular circumstances.  But I hope it is true for you. X

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #51 on: November 08, 2019, 09:06:29 AM »
This thread is exactly what I needed to read this morning.  Touching on my own journey in so many ways trying to put a finger on how I'm feeling.

Quote
I feel as if I spent almost 20 years reading this great book, really got into it and then found that someone had ripped the last few pages out....exactly that. Am I waiting for the pages?

Treasur, I read this and thought this is where I am right now.  Mine is just the same only reading for 28 years until someone not only ripped the pages out but burned them as well and it was the only copy of the book. 

When my kids were younger they were all reading a series of books called Choose your own Adventure.  You got to read to a certain point and then decide what you wanted to happen to by choosing your own ending.  This always bothered me.  I am a creature of habit and wanted the end spelled out for me.  This has been the hardest part of my journey so far.  It's been scary and has made me dig deep to choose my own adventure. 

As for an apology from our spouses.  I thought I was always waiting on this as well, until I actually got one.  It didn't change a thing for me.  Words don't carry quite the value they used to.  I am mourning this a little as my H and I used to write cards and letter back and forth expressing love.  Actions are really the only thing I value anymore.   

Thanks for the thread Morte.  Very thought provoking. 
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #52 on: November 08, 2019, 10:32:28 AM »

Accepting the apology will never come, and going where the love is.


And for me, right now, it is with my S13. I get caught up in the whole...."I need to find a new H/partner"  crap.  But I have love all around me. My family, my friends.....and even some new friends I am reminded of as I look upon a certain ring I bought for myself in Porto Venere Italy.

As long as we are not waiting....but rather healing, and surrounding ourselves with the love that is there instead of focusing on what is lost, I think we move forward.

Morte--that picture falling though. Yikes! Hope you didn't get injured.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #53 on: November 08, 2019, 11:58:11 AM »
Quote
Treasur, I read this and thought this is where I am right now.  Mine is just the same only reading for 28 years until someone not only ripped the pages out but burned them as well and it was the only copy of the book.

Roo, I have fought hard to keep my copy of the book. Sometimes that has been difficult. It might have added to my sense of grief maybe. But I felt determined to fight having part of my life and my treasures erased too just bc my xh decided that me and those twenty years were nothing. Maybe it is just stubbornness  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #54 on: November 08, 2019, 01:34:17 PM »

Accepting the apology will never come, and going where the love is.


I think simply, Morte, that if you go where the love is, you’ll stop giving a monkey’s uncle about any apology.
It just won’t matter, even a smidgeon.

That won’t be quite true for us all depending on our particular circumstances.  But I hope it is true for you. X

Perhaps you are right Nerissa. Maybe it really is this simple.  :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #55 on: November 08, 2019, 10:31:21 PM »
I feel as if I spent almost 20 years reading this great book, really got into it and then found that someone had ripped the last few pages out....exactly that. Am I waiting for the pages?
Are you waiting to be ready to write your own pages? To decide that the book wasn't what you were expecting, so you have to create your own ending?

How does one get out of limbo? By being able to choose their own adventure without waiting for anyone else to make a decision. Which sometimes takes time: to heal,  to grow, to know what you want your adventure to be.

I am not and was not waiting for an apology, fwiw. Some of us get stuck in limbo because reconciling the good times with what the MLCER claimed was a horrible experience for them is mind numbing. How can I have been so happy if he was so miserable? Does not compute, Danger, Will Robinson, does not compute!!! Reality is broken. It takes a bit to realize that buying a new intact mirror might be a better choice than trying to piece together a shattered one that was special to you.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #56 on: November 09, 2019, 02:57:35 AM »
Limbo for me would have been the worst place to take up any kind of residence.  It's always been black and white for me.....you're either in or you're out.  I don't bargain on multiple levels of self worth or self respect.  I'm either you're first and only choice or I'm gone.  That makes limbo not even an a option to begin with. 

Offline MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #57 on: November 10, 2019, 03:09:47 AM »
So in the lead up to my weekend away I am thinking about...


Feeding the two sides of yourself.

How utterly and incomprehensibly complicated we can be as human beings.

I am finally free of limbo, and feel as if I have walked out of the door of freedom....

And there are so many choices. So many options. So many paths to choose.

It feels like my brain has exploded with all sorts of ideas, thoughts, wants, dreams...It is as if I examine each one... feeding a particular part of myself, a need that has been ignored, a want that has been squashed...and I stick each thought in a blender...one by one...and then hit the button.

They all become mixed and swirled. Then when I pull them back out they don't all work together. No one thing can feed all the parts that are starving. So many choices.

How do we feed all the parts of ourselves that have been denied for years? How do you regain who you were, or who you feel you have always been inside...yet were not allowed to be?

After living for 16 years as this one person...to please another....how do you start to feed all these aching parts of you?

Why do I feel like such a complicated human being?

I have this like deeply feminine woman who likes cute fluffy things, believes in true love, and light, and hope...who wants a man in her life to love and be loved by...

Then I have this dark fiercely independent competitive wild side...that needs a challenge...needs to feel free...wants to need no one. Wants to shut everyone out.

I wonder if this is a similar problem our MLCers faced, and they just get stuck in one side. Then after a while they feel they have to break free to feed the starving side of themselves they shut away?

How can we feed both parts of us without losing our $h!te and blowing up our world?

After the initial excitement of rushing through the door...I have come to an opening with so much possibility...so many options...that I actually don't know which way to go. And I worry I won't make the right choice. And each side of me feels differently about it.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #58 on: November 10, 2019, 03:53:11 AM »
I suspect we are like diamonds...way more than two sides actually. Times in our life feed some bits more than others maybe. I have had champagne swilling high heeled days and cuddling up with a cat knitting in front of a fire days and running on a beach days and digging in unglamourous wellies days and playing the global executive on a plane days and holding the hand of people I love days. All me...done in my own way.

How? Fwiw...honour the diamond and trial and error. Remove what does not give you joy or satisfaction. Nibble on the different things that do or might. Own your s$it. Be a grown up. Don't confuse what you do or what others think about you with who you are. Know that need and want are different. Embrace the both/and as part of your story. And we are all a story  :)...the broken folks imho struggle with almost all of this....
« Last Edit: November 10, 2019, 03:55:06 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Beauty into Beast 16
« Reply #59 on: November 10, 2019, 06:26:53 AM »
Mort, years ago when my kids were very young, I went to the doctor for feeling kind of depressed and it wouldn't go away.

It turned out I had some decisions to make but was stalling over fear of not deciding correctly.

My doctor told me even making a bad decision is better than making no decision at all.  You can fix a bad decision, but making no decision is what causes us stress.
(I don't expect he meant a life altering bad decision)

I have no idea if that helps, but his words have stuck with my for years, and helped when I have decisions to make.

You sound super exciting about what your new life may look like.  So many possibilities.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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