[Treasur]

This may be true, idk. Maybe other reconnectors will come back and say...but I think SF, Barbie and Never all had spouses who left?

What worries me about it as a shared 'principle' is that it encourages new LBS to take on too much damage bc they believe that if the spouse leaves the home, that's it. Sometimes imho the cost of trying to keep them physically in the home is too high. Jmo.

[One day at a time]

Sometimes imho the cost of trying to keep them physically in the home is too high. Jmo.

I agree with you Treasur. I bet myself over and over again for actually being the one who asked him to move out and feeling I decreased the chances of a return to the marriage. But the honest truth is that I couldn't take it anymore and the damage that those 7 months caused to me personally right now feel like a very high price to pay.. Sometimes I feel I took on too much abuse for the sake of the marriage. Emotionally and mentally it would have been a lot better for me if he left a lot sooner. But I can only see that now in hindsight and when I have no hope of reconciliation.

[3Boys4Me]

I know several MLCers who moved out and divorced, and remarried who are back with their original spouses. My dad was a Vanisher and he and my mom reconciled.

I have a friend who just reconciled after 4 years MLC. I have an MLC girlfriend who left her spouse six years ago, she has had a series of OM and the only thing she really wants is her H back (he’s a no.)
I have another MLC girlfriend who left her H six years ago and she told me the other day (she is in a serious relationship) that she wished her H “could have only held on a little longer) - by 2.5 years he began dating and moving on...

So, while it may be true that the odds are better if a spouse remains home, in all the MLC cases I personally know of except one, the MLCer has wanted to return home, though many of their spouses had moved on. I also know a couple of walk away spouses and there has been zero interest in getting back together with their partners, but their behavior and attitudes were clearly different from the MLC examples I give above.

I know I am likely in the minority, but I still believe that if an MLCer navigates their crisis, allows themselves to hit rock bottom and then is willing to do their personal work, they will regret leaving and blowing up their marriages - regardless of whether they want to reconcile.

[marvin4242]

I'll just chime in and say in my opinion whether they stay or go does not matter. This is based on the following:

1) In the throws of MLC they are functional narcissists. They really have no emotional empathy or connection to others. So being "physically" in the same space really doesn't mean much. All the cues we use to bond and stay connected are not from proximity but from emotional engagement. I don't think most have any.

2) At least with my wife whenever she "pops" back up and communicates it is almost as if she is not gone in her head. She "continues" conversations that never existed, or shares details that would make sense for people who are in daily contact but would make no sense otherwise. So in her emotional world "separation," "together" and connectedness doesn't work the way it used to (or would in most people).

3) Even if there is something about being in the same "space" it has to be countered from the "death by a thousand cuts." I think I did a very good job detaching from my wife quickly, but in looking back when we spent time together little actions and words still did damage. And this can keep adding up. So even if staying in the same space may help the MLC stay anchored a tiny bit is it worth the damage to the LBS and the risk that the damage becomes so great that recovery is not possible? It seems if the MLCer ever starts coming out of the fog the big challenge for those hoping to reconnect is for the LBS to have some love left for their spouse. MLCers may not realize time has passed, but the LBS does know that.

4) Maybe having them around allows us to continue our denial, that somehow they are still "there." I for one prefer firmly existing in the reality of the situation, even if it may be harder in the short term.

And this is before you account for the monstering, vitriol and potential physical dangers. Maybe having them not move out gives us the illusion of control. But then again maybe physical separation is more appropriate and correct to the emotional separation, it is more attuned to the reality we experience.

[3Boys4Me]

Marvin - yes, everything you said! I had to laugh at your #2... a few weeks back my MLCer was monstering at me over an incident with the kids - he said something to the effect, “during this entire separation...” after reclaiming my composure I wanted to say - you remember you divorced me last year right? We’re divorced.”... this while he’s living with the OW. So the fog is real and deep, and your comment about time is spot on too - he has told me directly that time seems very different than it used to...

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Marvin said pretty much everything I would have said and said it so much better than I would have, Thanks Marvin!

[Nerissa]

I nodded all the way through Marvin’s post too. i think that my efforts to keep H home really affected my mental health.  We’d have done less damage apart.  It certainly kept me in denial.  And pats face it, if they are behaving like narcissists (and mine was) what does it say about our own stability and health that we stick with it?  That’s a question rather than a judgement, since we cope differently, but I was quite ill in hindsight so had he stayed, he would have stayed with an unstable wife while being unstable himself.  So not a recipe for success really.

[Disillusioned]

I really appreciated reading all these viewpoints, especially Marvin's reasoning.  It took awhile for me to stop blaming myself for this crisis, but one thing I couldn't quite let go of was the fact that I moved out.  I kept (keep) thinking "If only I'd been stronger, I could have stayed in the house..."   That's why I come here!   

[One day at a time]

But maybe we are just looking at the MLCer's point of view.. Maybe it makes no difference for my H if he had stayed or not.. But it has made a difference to me.. Maybe it's because I have a very practical mind most of the time.. And what I see is my H treated me very badly for 7 months, then he abandoned me and blamed me for everything. He's currently a stranger who lives in another country and is engaged to OW.. This wouldn't be the situation if he had stayed home but he didn't.. All the actions since he left drove me to a place of acceptance and a wish to move on.. So reconciliation is no longer an option... If we were still living together (hard as it would be), I will feel there's a way back.. But with the current situation, I don't.. But that's just me!

[Thunder]

I agree with Marvin, too.

In my opinion, the"bond/connection" is broken the minute they BD us.  The marriage, as it was, is gone.
Doesn't matter whether their home or not.  You can't have a connection to someone who has totally shut down their feelings for you.

The MAYBE benefits I see with a stay at home MLCer are...

Most are usually Wallowers.  Not many Wallowers find an OP.
They don't have the energy, even though their just as gone as the person who leaves.  An OP just makes things more complicated.
So that may be a plus to reconnecting, but not always.  No 3rd party interference.

The other benefit is, the MLCer can witness first hand the great mirror work the LBS is doing, IF they are.  If they do the mirror work, GAL, detach and just go about their business and leave the MLCer alone..they notice.
They can see their LBS is making a good life for themselves, they appear strong, happy and independent.. and may wonder why their life looks happy and busy, when theirs is depressed and miserable.
I think that can be very attractive to a MLCer, because they don't feel strong and happy.
They do watch you.

A good example of that is Acorn.(hope you don't mind me using you are an example Acorn)
She did exactly that.  She left him alone, learned to do for herself, zipped her lip, got on with her life and dropped the rope, all the while treating him politely and respectfully.

It doesn't mean it will always produce a reconnection, but it sure can't hurt and in my opinion it can really help.
Just live 'as if" their never coming out of it, start building a life without them.  Some of them don't want to be left behind.