[Helpingme!]

Sea
IMO the answer is no. You have just as much of a chance . I'll let Acorn answer your question.
Just for me reading ,  In my little simple guys opinion , just because they leave or even D!! That doesn't mean they will not come back. Total BS!!
My W never left but somedays I wished she would have, alot of days. It's hard to watch for years and live with someone every single day that is lost in some fantasy land. Bit some do.
As for ones on here that I know of that have reconciled or working at it. It would be about the same. Ones that left and ones that stayed.
I think it would be alot more for ones that had their spouse leave, but they moved on and I don't blame them one bit for moving on.
My point is you all have the same chance IMO. A leaver or not. No-one should say , oh you might as well move on, he left. You don't have a chance. That's crap.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Look, it's easy to fall for the stuff that people tell you on this site in the beginning but after a few years into your spouse's MLC, a person should have developed their own perspective and thoughts on the situation, especially their OWN situation. I worry if someone is NOT questioning what they are taught at that point. Then they aren't facing reality.

This site didn't teach me to stand. I came to this site because it aligned with my already existing beliefs about standing. Five years later, I haven't developed my perspectives and thoughts, I've refined them, and I continue to believe in the value of standing.

If I were to follow NYM's argument to its alternate conclusion, if I would have landed on the Chump Lady site instead of this site, I would probably be following what I was taught on that site, meaning I would probably be remarried by now, possibly several times.

I realize that I am just a sample size of one, but I believe that all LBSes, even new ones, have a brain and are capable of thinking for themselves. I don't believe LBSes stand because that's what they're taught on this site. I believe they come to this site because standing aligns with their personal values and beliefs.

But let's just look at it in a really simple way, living with a stay at home MLCer is just going through a difficult time in our marriages. A difficult time, that if they never leave, eventually is likely to get better. If they do leave, well then they have left and the marriage is over. Anything beyond that really is just making it more complex than it needs to be.

This perfectly illustrates a fundamental difference between me and NYM. NYM believes she has a troubled marriage. I believe that I have a spouse who is going through a crisis. Whether there is an alienator or not doesn't change the fact that my wife is in crisis. Whether she moves out or not doesn't change the fact that she is in crisis. Whether she divorces me or not doesn't change the fact that she is in crisis.

Drawing a line in the sand is fine but what if doing so restricts the MLCer's ability to work through their crisis? It's possible that the LBS who manages to keep the MLCer from leaving may end up in a "bad marriage" with a spouse who is in crisis for the rest of their life. If you consider the MLC to be a growth experience, leaving home may be a vital part of that growth experience.

I'm not sure about this last part but I'm going to post it anyway. It may not apply to all MLCers but it seems to apply to the majority. It's quite common for LBSes to question whether their spouse is actually going through an MLC. I think most of us have done it. One thing that might cause me to question whether someone was going through an MLC is if the supposed MLCer were willing to change to accommodate the LBS's demands. Most MLCers don't care whether the LBS wants them to stay or leave, they do whatever they want to do. I would wonder about an MLCer who stayed home because they were told to stay "or else".

I think SamIAm summed things up pretty well. I'm also starting to wonder what this discussion has to do with Sis's thread. Maybe somebody should report a hijacking.

[Acorn]

A little bird PMed me about this thread.
I am hoping to address anything that is pertinent to me in my thread later. 
Just a quick post before I run some more errands. 
Thank you for your patience.

[Father5]

   I do tend to agree with you NYM. I drew my line in the sand and said if the divorce finalizes then thats it. She has filed and we willsee where it goes from here. I will not stand forever but I do have some very real problems that I need to work through before I even begin to worry about finding someone else. So I guess she has until I figure my own mess out ! Life is short I can't wait around on a maybe ? Though I love her dearly and hope the best for her.  I haven't seen one step in the right direction at all. She honestly would prefer we be friends so she doesn't have anymore guilt.

[marvin4242]

If my H had moved out 3.5 years ago, I would have gotten a divorce and remarried long ago. If he wanted a future with me, I made it very clear he couldn't cross that red line and he respected that. A long distance marriage even for say, work reasons, would not be acceptable to me at all. There are things that for me are essential for my marriage and that is my right to have those things. Every person has to decide what they consider to be disrespect and abandonment. Allowing others to brainwash you into doing something that is not good for you is not good for your mental health. (Edit-I wrote the above before I saw Treasur's post but I agree with what she says)

You can throw out all the catch phrases about the marriage ending at BD, blah blah blah. Or that divorce is just a piece of paper. MLC forums like this come with a lot of catch phrases and advice that gets repeated over and over.

NYM: with all due respect, and I quote, if "Every person has to decide what they consider to be disrespect and abandonment" is truly what you believe then why do you so forcefully discount that others may not have the same viewpoint as you? That not everyone is simply "coming up with a lot of catch phrases and advice that gets repeated over and over," but actually sharing their own views, experiences and knowledge?

For you it means if you husband leaves you are done. For someone else it is "get the heck out" and leave me alone and we shall see later where we are.

But let's just look at it in a really simple way, living with a stay at home MLCer is just going through a difficult time in our marriages. A difficult time, that if they never leave, eventually is likely to get better. If they do leave, well then they have left and the marriage is over. Anything beyond that really is just making it more complex than it needs to be.

Well I know this to be true: MLC is MANY MANY things, but simple or normal it is not. It is one of the most complex and difficult psychological events I have seen in others short of full on personality disorders. I think one of the reasons MLC is destructive to LBSes (and to MLC sufferer) is exactly because it is SO complex it takes a lot of time and effort to untangle all the bits and pieces, it is not something in our normal day to day and "simple" experience. If something is harder than the death of a loved one it tells you it is not simple.

[Milly]

I'm in agreement with what Sam and Brain said. HS reflected my views and I was aware that I had issues of my own and wanted to become the best I could possibly be.

My view might be biased by the fact that my H did leave the house, but I don't think that it's over when a MLCer leaves. Fleeing is often a huge part of their crisis. Some people might say that a spouse having an affair would be the end for them and they'd have divorced their spouse and moved on right away. But for most of us on here, even though we never would have thought so, an affair has not lead us to say we will never take our Hs back. So, maybe it's hard to know how we would behave until we are faced with the situation.

I came to HS because it was a site for standers. I could finally be open about my standing. The non standers on the site were sympathetic and encouraging. In RL I can't tell anyone about my stand because they'll tell me I'm in denial, H has moved on and that I'm stuck.  I do believe that if we stop standing one day, it has to come from each person in their own time without judgement.

[Stand Tall]

Not knowing anything about mlc's I didn't realize my first BD was just that a BD. The ILYBINILWY speech. Nothing changed that I noticed, but I didn't know what to look for. H didn't move out or abandon me. Then 3 years later I received that same speech and H left to live with ow.

  I heard from a number of friends who went through the same thing. One had a stay at home and it was hell and the others had spouses that left. They all came home and are happily married today.

  My H has recently told me that he wants to come home at some point. Nothing has happened with this yet. Maybe he was anchor checking, but why would he be checkin. If he left because the marriage was truly over then why would he care?
 
  Last I want to say, RCR, HB both had H that left and came back home. And the one we shouldn't forget Is Shocks sis. She left and in the end wanted to come back home, but it was her H decision to not stand.

  I don't think it's a cut and dry situation. There are plenty of stories out there that show reconciliation both ways. JMO

[megogirl]

Everything ST just said

I came to HS because I was intrigued by RCR and found her to be the best writer I’d ever read.  She was also a success story.  I was so shellshocked by BD, it was actually a huge relief to learn that my story mimicked countless others.

I think it’s pointless to try and put returners vs. non-returners into a box and dissect what caused them to (or not to.).

[Finding Joy]

My personal view point is that the more degrees of separation put between the LBS and spouse the less likely a reconciliation.  For obvious reasons.  The lbs is way more likely to move on if the MLCer moves out for years, divorces them, moves in with OW, marries ow, etc.

For many of us having a live in was not a good idea for our own emotional well being(also possible physical violence, kids etc).  That said, had my husband just stayed home, there would be no question of my stand.  When he left, he abandoned myself and the kids.  He speaks of divorce, if that happens it is unlikely I will wait more than a year or two afterwards.

The point is, the more they do, the less likely a reconciliation is.  Both because somewhere in their crazy they did in fact make a conscience decision to leave, divorce etc and the ones that stayed and didn’t move out or divorce somewhere deep down chose the marriage.

That’s not to say it doesn’t work out often when they leave, it just seems more common that it works out more often when they stay.  For obvious reasons, they did not physically abandon or divorce the spouse. 

If they stay the LBS has more hope.  If they leave and are with an OP, over time the LBS wonders why they are waiting on someone who did not chose them in anyway.  I’m hopeful my MLCer will come home, but there is a whole lot of scorched earth left in the wake.

[RedStar]

There are plenty of stories out there that show reconciliation both ways.

Yes. Anyone who insists otherwise can't have read that many threads here, and there are a lot of them from over the years.

And anyone who insists that what we're dealing with is a marriage problem simply does not understand MLC. And understanding MLC is the reason for this site -- not to convince anyone to stand. It is here because what LOOKS like "just a marriage problem" is not.