[megogirl]

Right Thunder

SOME people continue to antagonize her (and always the same ones!)

[Shockandawe]

Exactly that Mego

NYM, I respect your opinion as I would expect you to respect mine. You have not lived my life and have no concept of my MLC nor my ex h.
I have never told anyone to stand or not. I don’t have the right to do that it’s all personal choice.
I know Shocks h is in MLC and even her I haven’t told to stand, that again is her choice.
In my experience our father was a live in MLCer for 4 years, he almost destroyed our mother and finally left after that time. He wanted back and asked our mother many times, she said no.
It was her choice but she said he destroyed her and any love she had for him during this time.
The fact that I pass on my own experience is something I will continue to do and as I have said before if it angers you then simply don’t read it or respond.
To all LBSERS you do what is right for you because ultimately it’s your choice and you are ALL very important and very good people.

[trusting]

I feel late to the party with so many comments, but just thought I'd throw my own experience in for what it's worth.  I agree that there is no one-size-fits all MLC and there is no predicting which way it will go, just as it is so hard to know why some people navigate midlife and FOO issues without destroying their families and others can't escape MLC and do just that.  FWIW, I read Jim Conway's book (and this is going back several pages of posts) several times after BD.  I found it extremely helpful. However, in retrospect, I don't personally believe he had a full-blown MLC but more of a transition.  He managed to hold on to his faith and his family, which belies a full MLC, in my opinion.

I had a wallower for years.  He didn't leave the house for a very long time.  He was mean, cold, very, very distant.  He did totally destroy our family, even though he was still here.  He finally left and honestly, I finally truly started to heal then.  He's been out a couple of years and it didn't cause too much separation for us to ever have a relationship.  Our relationship now is better than it has been in a decade.  I hear from him all the time and we are definitely rebuilding a relationship, even if not a husband/wife one yet.  I can depend on him again in just about everything.  He is very involved with the kids (and was not while he was in the house).  He is tying up the loose ends of his MLC, I believe. 

When I first started posting on this forum at its beginning, I remember the phrase that was sometimes used - "they have to leave to come back."  Maybe this is true in my case.  We will see.  It certainly is the case for others.  I truly don't believe it makes a difference or not if they leave or stay.

But all that to say that every MLCer is different even though so much is eerily the same - same script, etc. 

[Jackolar12]

Hi everyone and welcome to the recently split topic. So IMHO Wallowers it would seem can be just as destructive at home as the high energy run away types of MLCers. To the Lbs that deal with Wallowers at home you have my sympathy as the stress your under must be so destructive to your soul.

Also it seems IMHO Wallowers have some sort of invisible tether or line in the sand they won’t cross that keeps them from leaving the marriage. It would be interesting to hear if anyone knows where this may stem from, perhaps their home is their anchor and safe haven during MLC it would seem logical, let me hear your opinions...

During the Monster phase some incredibly nasty stuff comes out of their mouths, I would  like to know if this has had long term impact emotionally on the Lbs. Physical violence seems to happen in some cases but again IMHO is thankfully rare, but the gloves are off when it comes to emotional abuse which is a common theme. How have you coped with this...
Kind regards
Jack

[Seahorse]

Jack - I don't really know about the difference between wallowers stay at home versus high energy leavers, but mine is a high energy leaver.  Not through this yet, but we had recently moved to a new state when he left MLC started less than a year after move) so I can't see how he would consider this new home his safe place/his anchor.  Our old home of 15 years, maybe, but he just didn't have the roots here, plus two/three sons were still out of state, so he had a lot of disruption in his life.  I'm sure others have better insight into this.

Still going through this, but as far as how to deal with monster --  I think the best thing to do is to ignore the monster, and to put up appropriate boundaries, and know in your heart that you have someone going through MLC and they are not the person you married.  Just let it go...

Sea

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Also it seems IMHO Wallowers have some sort of invisible tether or line in the sand they won’t cross that keeps them from leaving the marriage. It would be interesting to hear if anyone knows where this may stem from, perhaps their home is their anchor and safe haven during MLC it would seem logical, let me hear your opinions...

I suspect their default stress mechanism is freeze rather than fight or flight. Maybe they're more depressed or their depression is more overt so they don't have the energy for typical Replay activities. Maybe there is no alienator in the picture feeding them with limerent energy and acting as an anti-depressant.

[Seahorse]

Brain - Interesting though.
I wonder what the percentage of live-in MLCers do NOT have op, versus those that leave.
No way to really know, but interesting thought about the energy of op feeding the replay.

Sea

[Jackolar12]

Hi Seahorse, so disruption to his lifestyle may have added to his growing Mlc a sort of trigger.I had just relocated my ex wife into a new business unit when she dropped the bomb on me. I often wonder if the stress of relocating had some bearing on the situation. She must have been thinking about divorce in the 2 years it took me to renovate the premises, as soon as she moved in she dropped the bomb.

[Jackolar12]

BIB that’s an interesting take on wallowing, freezing instead of flight, link that to low energy because of depression may make them dig in rather than run, sounds logical to me. I wish there was up to date info I could access about the prevalence of MLC to see the increase in occurrences over the decades.

[Disillusioned]

Brain - Interesting though.
I wonder what the percentage of live-in MLCers do NOT have op, versus those that leave.
No way to really know, but interesting thought about the energy of op feeding the replay.

Sea

My live in had an OP.