[Not Applicable]

Again, the "normal" thing for members of this forum (who come here because it is for STANDERS) may be to beg and plead. I'm not sure if that is the intuitive thing. The intuitive thing may be to just dump the MLCer. I don't think we have a representative sample of LBSes to say one way or the other. Moreover, I think it is even more counterintuitive to stand expecting a return when your spouse has dumped you and moved on. And in that case, we are not talking about newbies.

And I don't think it is counterintuitive to leave someone alone who is having a problem that doesn't involve you and you are just going to get dragged into a mess if you stick your nose in it. That's just good common sense.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I don't worry too much about statistics concerning how many MLCers return. Although there are similarities, every case is unique. It's possible that every MLCer in the world may try to return except for one. If the one that doesn't try to return happens to be my wife, knowing all of the others returned won't help. If no MLCers in the world try to return except for one, but that one is my wife, all of the other situations will be irrelevant.

Likewise, there are no proven and established guidelines. The fact that one MLCer who stayed home reconciled doesn't mean that others who stay home will also want to reconcile. And it also doesn't mean that MLCers who leave home won't want to reconcile.

If I had drawn a line in the sand like NYM did, it may or may not have led to a reconciliation in my situation, so I had to do what was right for me. NYM stated that she would have been done if her spouse had left. If that's true and she wants a reconciliation then what she did was the right thing for her. I believe if my wife had stayed home and was constantly leaving to be with an alienator it would have done too much damage. I think I might have lost all desire to reconcile so I believe her leaving was best in my case.

So I think all of us should limit our posts to writing about our experiences and try not to tell others what they should do. I have the ability to read about other people's experiences and decide on my own what to do. I don't think I'm unique in that respect. I think all of use are capable of making up our own minds and I don't think it's helpful when others try to tell us what to do or try to tell us that what we're doing is wrong.

Having said that, I'm going to go against my suggestion and I'm going to tell everyone one more time what I think they should do. I think everybody should stop telling other LBSes what to do unless somebody asks for advice.

[xyzcf]

Every situation is unique. You absolutely cannot generalize the way some people seem to feel they must do..there are no absolutes and way too many variables to state with such confidence things such as "MLCers are more likely to return if they never leave home or divorce"

Hearttoheart's story: Apart 7 years, divorced, marriage was annulled, MLCer lived with OW for 3 1/2 years..remarried one another 2 years ago and they are doing great!

I look at some of the stories here where the MLCer is still at home but they are still in crisis. As long as they are in crisis, that is all you can say about the matter. Just as we did not see the crisis happening in our marriages, we cannot forecast the future.

NYM:

Again, the "normal" thing for members of this forum (who come here because it is for STANDERS) may be to beg and plead.

and

Moreover, I think it is even more counterintuitive to stand expecting a return when your spouse has dumped you and moved on. And in that case, we are not talking about newbies.

Comments such as these are hurtful. They are not necessary I am not sure how you base your observations about "standers" since we too are all different.

I have been standing for 10 years and I have been dumped as you so callously state. I won't explain what standing means to me, no point really.

I do wonder why you are so negative and actually quite mean in your comments. Your views are not mine, nor are they the same as other members. Some respect would be appreciated for all members here.

[Thunder]

I'm right there with ya MB.

"I think everybody should stop telling other LBSes what to do unless somebody asks for advice."

Just wanted to add, LBS's who have been around awhile.  Newbies may need advice sometimes, even though they may not ask for it.

[Not Applicable]

I have been standing for 10 years and I have been dumped as you so callously state. I won't explain what standing means to me, no point really.

If my H had done to me what yours has done, yes, I would consider myself having been dumped, 10 years ago.

I 100% respect your choice not to remarry and to respect your covenant marriage. What your H has done and even how I view such behavior does not in any way make me lose respect for your choice. You are not him and you are not responsible for his behavior, which itself was the ultimate of callousness.

I think what has been lost in Shock Sis's dozen threads now is that she has missed the point that her H fully had the right to decide he did not want to put up with what she did and that he chose to move on. She has implied that he has somehow done something wrong because he DIDN'T stand. I'm glad to see there are some people on here who are willing to say that not standing is a fully legitimate choice and that the MLCer does NOT have the right to expect that they will be waited for.

[megogirl]

NYM/Goner

Sis has never implied that her XH did “something wrong” by choosing not to Stand.  Not once.

All she had ever said is that she WISHED he would have Stood because she did, in fact, want him back.

Totally different....!

[rosetintedglasses]

ShocksSis

I have a question:
Which part of your crisis would you say was the worst part for you? Both during the MLC and also now looking back on it?

Thanks a lot!
Rose 🌹

[MyBrainIsBroken]

She has implied that he has somehow done something wrong because he DIDN'T stand.

I disagree. I haven't seen this. Please feel free to prove me wrong by posting an example.

I'm glad to see there are some people on here who are willing to say that not standing is a fully legitimate choice and that the MLCer does NOT have the right to expect that they will be waited for.

I've seen numerous posts stating that each LBS has the right to stand or not. What I haven't seen is a single post stating that it's not ok for an LBS to choose not to stand or that standing is the only legitimate choice. Once again, feel free to prove me wrong by posting an example.

If my H had done to me what yours has done, yes, I would consider myself having been dumped, 10 years ago.

I don't know NYM. I have never met her. But I'm going to guess that she isn't a diplomat.

[megogirl]

Brain

She won’t find any examples, because they don’t exist.

Sis has been very honest, very sweet, yet people have inexplicably continued to bash her (?!)

[Thunder]

SOME people.