Author Topic: MLC Monster Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11  (Read 5552 times)

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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MLC Monster Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« on: November 04, 2019, 01:33:43 PM »
Wow another thread already,

Here we go everyone, let’s keep moving forward together.
Each and every one of you are so strong, so much stronger than you ever thought you could be.
Could someone who knows the techy side please link the threads please.

On a mission to demystify MLC we will do this together.

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11177.0
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 01:18:57 AM by Thunder »

Offline MKnight10

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2019, 02:29:29 PM »
Quote
My ex h begged and pleaded a lot, became very clingy and asked a lot of questions about our relationship. I became angrier and angrier and more cruel and monstered a lot. I know he was devastated but I was in total denial about my guilt and about the fact I was doing this to him and became even more hostile. Anything he did or said even remotely connected to us and I would get irritated and angry.

I and my MLCer were exactly like this.....exactly like this, in every detail. Its all so similar.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2019, 03:30:52 PM »
Hi Sis! Welcome to your new thread! Do you think you'll have a chance to post any comments on this thread before it gets filled up?

Offline seahorse

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2019, 03:48:32 PM »
SS - Attaching and appreciating all your input!

Sea
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Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2019, 04:29:00 PM »
Quick say something before we hijack it to 150 posts!!!!  :P

LOL!!!!

W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2019, 04:44:56 PM »
Standing you are funny!

SS your threads are always interesting to read, even though they go off in weird directions.
Following along...
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Stand Tall

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2019, 08:21:58 PM »
Hi Shocks Sis,

  I'm bring my question over from the previous thread. The pages fill up so fast I'm sure it got lost in the past thread. Here it is,


  You've mentioned that your husband moved on pretty quickly after your BD to him. You've also mentioned that he got into a new relationship right away and married that person. What is the chance, in your opinion, that he is going through his own mlc's?

  Thank you so much for sharing and opening up about your situation.

Stand

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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2019, 08:36:26 PM »
Hi Stand

Yes I think he went into his own crisis and I know I was a major contributor to that. As for it being a full blown MLC with all of the accompanying parts I couldn’t say because I saw him only when dealing with our daughter and he was pretty civil. MLC is a compulsion it’s not something I chose because no one in their right mind would blow up their entire world, destroy the person they love and do that willingly, which is what I did. I was not in my right mind of that I know for sure. This is why I think MLCers shouldn’t be allowed to sign legal documents etc because I know I wasn’t myself and from what I have learned neither are any MLCers.

Thank you all for being here and BIB Hahahaha, there I posted something before we head off on a tangent lol.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2019, 08:46:09 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2019, 08:47:22 PM »
Shocks sis, you have said you had to do this. That none of the steps were optional. Why? What did you learn during each step that tells you that you couldn't have just gone to a counselor and decided on a different path? Why did you have to go through it all and not just part. Ignoring the foggy part where you could not think straight, that is. Or was that what you mean by having to go through this, that you had to wait until the fog was gone?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2019, 09:15:34 PM »
Attaching
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2019, 10:06:02 PM »
Hi Off-road

Great question. I think it’s because my brain shut out anything that raised my childhood issues or FOO issues because, as a child I didn’t develop the adult coping mechanism required for my Father’s death as it teleported me in a way, back to him leaving us as children. I couldn’t understand or cope with that and suppressed it for many years. When my Father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer I was devastated and barely had time to adjust to this when within 3 months he passed away. My opinion on this is that I couldn’t deal with that and my brain closed down the part that deals with emotions which is why I felt numb. I was convinced I didn’t love my ex h and my brain wouldn’t allow me to think there was anything wrong with my thoughts at this stage, hence the fog. I don’t think my brain would allow me to go to counselling at that point either because it was protecting me from the very thing a counsellor would dig out. I simply think if I hadn’t had an MLC I would have been sectioned for sure.
In short, my brain protected the real me from overwhelming issues and I truly believe that during MLC the pockets of clarity occur as a check on what I could cope with at this particular time. Hence the fog descending again and again. Once the real me who was buried beneath the layers of fog had processed and dealt with the various issues, albeit subconsciously, the full awakening occurred.
It’s so difficult to explain the overwhelming urge to run and change everything, including myself because the real me was safely hidden away and this new alien personality took over. I know this personality was myself but the adolescent self.
I also believe certain elements need to be there to go into crisis. Traumatic event, depression and trauma leading up to the traumatic event. As people are individuals then what they cope with or see as trauma and traumatic differ too but I believe if the LBS looks back they will see these elements somewhere.
Hope this helps
« Last Edit: November 04, 2019, 11:30:19 PM by Shockandawe »

Online Treasur

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2019, 11:39:41 PM »
ShockSis...an energetic debate on another thread about causes and getting your spouse to seek medical help.

How would you have reacted if your then h had asked/pushed you to get medical help or some kind of diagnosis in case there was some unknown cause that could be treated? And do you feel now with hindsight in your case that seeking medical help or a diagnosis would have been helpful to you or not? (I think you were prescribed anti-depressants at one point but didn't take them?)
« Last Edit: November 04, 2019, 11:43:18 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2019, 12:06:56 AM »
SS I agree with the not signing legal stuff. I think the courts should assess all divorce participants for mental health problems prior to starting the process. This could save a lot of relationships in the long run as many divorced people regret their actions years later when their lonely and too old to start again.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2019, 12:42:50 AM »
Hi Treasur

My ex h kept pushing me to get help and was relentless in this. He would tell people in his opinion I was having a mental breakdown. I reluctantly went to see our GP who prescribed anti depressants which I promptly flushed down the toilet as to me I didn’t need them. All I needed to do was get away from my ex h.
I only went to the GP to stop his constant nagging about mental breakdowns. It was as if everything my ex h said about me or our relationship just added fuel to the justification that I needed to get away from him as it was his fault I was so unhappy.
So, in my opinion it’s a case of trying to get someone to do something they are absolutely against doing.

Offline Keep believing

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2019, 01:30:27 AM »
jack,  If the courts wanted to assess for mental health problems the mlcer would pass.   Think about it.  They have everyone fooled .Especially fooled about how awful we are and how we lie. I wish that could be but i highly doubt that would work.

Offline Keep believing

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2019, 01:32:09 AM »
SS,  did you party alot or get drunk? If so did this make you more depressed? Did you think about your ex.? I ask because when drinking , it seems true feelings come out and wondering how this would affect you.

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2019, 02:53:09 AM »
Attaching
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #17 on: November 05, 2019, 04:37:11 AM »
I see your point Keep Believing but the courts see through the likes of serial killers and psychopaths fake stories so they can do it if they have a mind too. The current system does not support the family unit and just wants you off their work load and divide the assets.

There’s much more to a family unit keeping together than just standing inline and waiting for your turn to be processed. Family is everything....and a crazy criser destroys the nuclear family and I’m sure ShockSis will back me on this.

If one party (Lbs) signs a statement saying their spouses behaviour is way out of character and currently their spouse is away with the fairies the court should halt proceedings until their satisfied with the mental capability of the person allegedly in crisis.

They just push things through and don’t care, we are just a statistic to the courts and a meal ticket to the lawyers, all at a time when we are at an all time low, it’s cruel, they wouldn’t treat an animal that way IMHO.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2019, 05:34:58 AM »
Jack, other people have said this too.  It feels like no one cares our spouses are acting crazy, just get that divorce done.

I am no legal expert here.  This is just my take on this.

We all pretty much know our MLCer's are not in their right mind when the file, but the courts can only interpret and carry out the laws, or find someone incompetent, which is pretty hard to do.  It would have to show these people don't know what they are doing and can't make decisions for themselves.

A MLCer does know what they are doing, as goofy as they are, and they have free will.  A judge can't take that away from them because they are making a big mistake and ruining the family unit.

Just like attorney's, they are hired to do a job.  We pay them to know the divorce laws and to protect us financially in any way they can.  They are not hired to be our therapists.

Divorce is ugly but the legal system can only do so much to stop a divorce.
I agree with everything you said, it shouldn't be this way, but it is.
The MLCer's have rights, and unfortunately, one of them is to divorce us.   :(
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2019, 06:02:07 AM »
Hey Shocks,

First question: While you were still processing -  Were you able at times to know that you were broken? I know you've mentioned moments of clarity, but I mean did you know that you were broken at times?

Second question: MLC'ers have memory issues during MLC.... it comes and it goes. Did there come a point where you understood the memory issues (example: You had toast at breakfast everyday for the last 20 years..... this morning you'd deny have toast at breakfast...... this afternoon you'd know you eat toast everyday and "hmmmm, toast sounds good, I think I'll have some right now".... type of thing). Did you memory come back INCLUDING all the weird memory lapses?

Third question: Are you aware of memory gaps now that you're out? It has been explained that when it's over there is a time of complete memory restore and that with some time these too will disappear: which is why the LBS is important.... we are the keeper of memories. How much truth is there in this for you?

Thanks Shocks  :D

-SS (The standing strong SS, not the Shocks SS  :P LOL!!!! )
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2019, 06:48:30 AM »
Hi Thunder , yes it’s a function their employed to do but its not right a calculating crazy criser can do so much damage to people who love them. They have the right to divorce us but all we can do is watch our life fragment and wither away it is the injustice of it all that gets me.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2019, 06:54:16 AM »
I hear ya, Jack.

It's very unfair for those left behind, especially if there are young children involved.
They are the innocent victims.

Did I ever mention I hate MLC?   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2019, 07:09:10 AM »
Hi SS

During my moments of clarity I would think I was losing my mind because I would know I loved my ex h but then I would succumb to the thought that I was unhappy because of my ex h. I was very confused and afraid. On the one hand I loved him on the other he was my enemy and I needed to get away from him ASAP.
During this time I would remember good things and times and I would breakdown and cry before the fog swept it away again.
Once in the fog as far as I was concerned there was nothing wrong with me and I couldn’t access anything good about my marriage or my ex h.
When I had my awakening I remembered everything including all the awful things I did. I couldn’t believe the destruction I had caused. This lasted for a while but now there’s whole chunks missing. Maybe they are too painful for me to remember.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #23 on: November 05, 2019, 07:48:32 AM »
Sis I’ve asked this before, but I’m afraid it got lost in the abyss.

When you say that you were afraid, what exactly were you afraid of?  I ask because my XH would sound like a frightened animal who’d just escaped from his cage.  Like desperate, and whimpering.

To this day I’ve never understood why.
« Last Edit: November 05, 2019, 07:57:54 AM by megogirl »

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2019, 07:57:34 AM »
Ah HA!!!

So you remembered, and then those faded away...... I've read about this.

Is that like "knowing" or "forgetting"? Meaning, you learned whatever and now the details don't matter... you know what you need to know?

What about the "before" MLC? Is the memory loss in there as well, or just the period of when the MLC happened? I know that could be difficult.... how do you know what you don't know anymore? Just wondering if everything from before MLC comes back, or part of it is lost as well (I've read of it going both ways).

-SS (The Standing Strong SS, not the Shocks-Sis SS)
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online Treasur

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #25 on: November 05, 2019, 08:08:22 AM »
Quote
Maybe they are too painful for me to remember.

Or the gift of a kind universe bc they have served their purpose and you did the work...
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #26 on: November 05, 2019, 09:13:34 AM »
Quote
Maybe they are too painful for me to remember.

Or the gift of a kind universe bc they have served their purpose and you did the work...

See, that's what I was getting at...... T you're so smart   ;)

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online Treasur

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #27 on: November 05, 2019, 09:18:06 AM »
Quote
Maybe they are too painful for me to remember.

Or the gift of a kind universe bc they have served their purpose and you did the work...

See, that's what I was getting at...... T you're so smart   ;)

-SS

Ha ha, SS...I learn sloooow but it sticks when I get there lol
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #28 on: November 05, 2019, 10:47:05 AM »
Yes Thunder I’m with you on that one MLC SUCKS, there should be a law against it.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #29 on: November 05, 2019, 03:10:47 PM »
Hi Mego

I was afraid of being alone and vulnerable though when in the fog I felt invincible. It was only during brief periods of clarity that I felt afraid.
I as an MLCer was weak and vulnerable and afraid but I was running from that and projecting it all onto my ex h.
Clarity brought forth the feelings of fear and separation and I simply couldn’t cope with that because of my underdeveloped coping mechanism.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #30 on: November 05, 2019, 03:13:09 PM »
Hi SS

My memory pre MLC was fine and after MLC it’s fine again but there are sections from my MLC I have forgotten.
I think Treasur is right and very perceptive.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #31 on: November 05, 2019, 03:28:00 PM »
Thank you Sis

You’ve just inspired me to consult my RCR binder and she had this to say about the Prisoner personality: “Stuck inside the body is a broken person imprisoned by the controlling shadow-force of Monster.  Sometimes this Prisoner pushes through to communicate.  But the Prisoner is weak and like someone without skin, the prisoner is vulnerable to the elements and frightened.”

Sounds just like you!

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #32 on: November 05, 2019, 03:42:25 PM »
Hey Sis

Just wanted to attach but also have a question:
Regarding your daughter. Did you miss her when you weren’t with her? Was your time apart different to pre-MLC? My H goes weeks without seeing the children but says he misses them. Why doesn’t he get in touch with them then? If someone told me I couldn’t see the children I would fight for them. Why does he not seem to miss them? Is it the responsibility? He seems to want to be single with no responsibility, not carrying their bag, taking their empty litter, holding their coat as you do as a parent. He is like he’s never been a parent and wants them to act like adults instead of enjoying this time while they are children.

Not sure that makes sense now!

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #33 on: November 05, 2019, 03:53:06 PM »
Sis

One more from my RCR binder that speaks to your earlier comment: “Their memory becomes fuzzy; though they be aware of their actions during each present moment, in clarity they may not recall what takes place during fog and vice/versa.”

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #34 on: November 05, 2019, 04:31:50 PM »
The fear of being alone is interesting. Roughly 6 months to a year before BD my wife told our daughter that she didn't know how she would manage on her own if something ever happened to me. Now she's with an om who is 10 years younger than me and 7 years younger than her. What's really odd is that I'm in much better physical condition than he is even though he's younger. As far as I know the only exercise he gets is walking to the fridge to get a beer.

Offline Keep believing

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #35 on: November 06, 2019, 03:45:32 AM »
SS, My questions keep getting lost to you.  Can you respond to # 15? thanks

Jack,  I agree with you 100%. The courts just dont care. The judges should be priests. But then again that would be religion vs state which is a big no no. I hate that these judges ,attorneys have their decision in our family.  That should be against the law.  Also , child support should not be stopped at 18. No kid these days are on their own until much later in life.  My son served the miliarty for 4 yrs.  He is back home to figure out his civilian life now. He is 23yr. My point is , he was on his own but that was only for 4 years to serve his country. I am proud of him and have no problem with him home again. I am supporting him for the time being.  Why doesnt h have too? the courts dont care.

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #36 on: November 06, 2019, 05:49:49 AM »
Hi Keep believing divorce is just so awful I agree and we are powerless to stop it happening that’s the worst of all. Has your son asked his dad for help mine did and I’ve always done what I can when he’s down on his luck like paying his rent etc. Marriage means so little these days it just makes no sense at all.

Offline Surviving2019

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #37 on: November 06, 2019, 06:34:31 AM »
I have another question. I don't know if you've answered this or not, but I'm pretty confused by my h. Almost every time I see him, he starts crying. An example: he just came over to pick up a package that was mistakenly delivered here. He walked in and started crying. Then said to me "what are you doing to me? I'm always crying around you."  I replied "I'm not doing anything to you. And it's ok if you need to cry."  He said "I know. But you're the only one I cry around."  ::)

I really don't want him to feel sad or whatever when he's around me. I'm also not doing anything to make him cry. I literally opened the door with the package in my hand said "hi." He said "Hi how's it going?"  I smiled and said "it's fine. How are you?" and then his tears started.....that's what I would say to ANYONE that came over.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #38 on: November 06, 2019, 08:21:50 AM »
Pardon if I barge in on your conversation, but mine cried too, seemingly for no reason.

Our son had performed in a show, and when asked why he was crying XH said “I’m just proud of him!”.

(Errrr....I was proud of him too, but I wasn’t crying.)
« Last Edit: November 06, 2019, 09:02:37 AM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #39 on: November 06, 2019, 08:28:40 AM »
OMG, I cried at every performance my kids had, now I cry at the grandkids performances.
I just feel so proud and emotional it bubbles up in me, maybe your X does too, Mego.

No one else is crying...just me.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #40 on: November 06, 2019, 08:54:39 AM »
LOL--yeah I'm now a crier too--especially when I'm just so full of pride for S's accomplishments/performances, etc.

The MLCers are crying for a different reason though. Mine is a constant crier. They know what they've done. It is a lot of shame and guilt. And memories of the life they used to have. Mine has admitted to me that he misses his old life (which did indeed include me) and that he "ruined his life and is unhappy all the time." Even that he wants to die it is so bad. I try to think of that when in my darkest hour b/c I know that things are pretty bleak for them even when they are partying like rock stars.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anon

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #41 on: November 06, 2019, 09:32:03 AM »
They know what they've done. It is a lot of shame and guilt. And memories of the life they used to have. Mine has admitted to me that he misses his old life (which did indeed include me) and that he "ruined his life and is unhappy all the time." Even that he wants to die it is so bad.
My h has said something quite similar.  eg. his life is a mess, he tears up when he thinks of us, his life is not happy but just different, and exhausting.   The fact that they continue on anyway speaks to the power of the addiction and nothing else.  When someone says they want to die because it’s so bad, but makes no changes, what else could it possibly be?  Not love, that’s for sure. 

Offline Acorn

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #42 on: November 06, 2019, 10:18:41 AM »
The MLCers are crying for a different reason though. Mine is a constant crier. They know what they've done. It is a lot of shame and guilt. And memories of the life they used to have.

I think the same.  Tears of self pity, stemming from shame and guilt.  My H could really turn the tap on.  Those tears were exclusively for him. 
Tears of love and pride are plain normal.  H and I, pre-BD, would sit in the back row at our kids’ performances.  We were hopeless at controlling our tears of love, joy and pride.  And then...  MLC hit.  ::) Does this man even realize their performance is on, let alone moved by it?  No...   A father famous for his devotion to kids and bragging about them constantly (he was the joke of the family and his colleagues.  In a nice way.) suddenly did not even ‘see’ his kids. 

If I was ever in doubt that he was off his tree and completely lost in MLC land, I had to see the suffering of my kids at the ‘loss’ of their father.  Those were the dark days...  My heart hurts just writing this down.   :'(
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline seahorse

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #43 on: November 06, 2019, 01:06:41 PM »
Mine shows no emotion at all other than anger toward me.
No tears.
Obviously not missing his old life or his family or me for that matter.

IDK.  Maybe if he were around more, it would make a difference.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #44 on: November 06, 2019, 02:01:46 PM »
It’s actually really a beautiful thing when a man is vulnerable enough to just cry. To me, anyway.

Shocks sis, I wonder if you can compare the sensation or experience of fog to anything we might recognize. We hear about it not just in MLC but also through info on menopause, addiction, affair recovery, and I wonder if MLC fog is anything like “other” kinds of fog.

Like, in the menopausal transition, much of the time my head feels either drunk, on cold/flu medication, or like I’m running a fever. I don’t like to admit it but it’s muddy enough most of the time that I’m almost just glad h is not here.

The best I can say about it is that when a time of clarity comes, it’s a blessing, and I do notice that what felt like memory loss is more about having processed something to completion or acceptance. Another blessing, to recognize that whatever a memory was, and no matter how long it had been either suppressed or actively troubling, now that it has been fully processed to completion and/or been met with acceptance, it truly is not relevant anymore.

Those times of clarity feel rare to me this year and it’s like I’m often cycling deeper into the processing, it takes a long time and then takes time to shake off the exhaustion of it. The clouded mind is difficult to work with, so my life has become very much simpler and I’ve rid myself of toxic connections. That needed to happen anyway, I guess.

How would you describe the sensation or awareness of fog, as you experienced it? Even telling about it, living with it has been really confusing and disorienting.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #45 on: November 06, 2019, 02:57:11 PM »
Hi Rose

I did miss my daughter terribly when I was away from her but would call her every day we were apart.
My own MLC didn’t affect my love for my daughter but I did go visit on in his country every few weeks so, although I loved her through out I still yearned for my fantasy life with no responsibilities.
I did push her to one side as the pull of fantasy was too strong.
It’s hard to accept us MLCers put ourselves first because we become these selfish, narcissistic people. I feel quite ashamed thinking about it.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #46 on: November 06, 2019, 03:00:34 PM »
Hi Terra

The fog is like being in a dream but I felt like my head was in a fish bowl where the world went by and I couldn’t make anyone hear me.
Every thing was in slow motion kind of.
I haven’t experienced anything else like it before or since.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #47 on: November 06, 2019, 03:04:54 PM »
Hi Surviving

Always remember we MLCers are great actors and the biggest liars walking.
In my opinion if you appear strong then if I were still in MLC I would try to bring you down as you are still the enemy and you can’t be strong because in my eyes you’re weak.
Beware the falseness of the MLCer!

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #48 on: November 06, 2019, 03:13:04 PM »
Sis

Thanks so much for explaining and it really helps me. I am sorry you feel ashamed though, if you make it up to her for the rest of your life it’s all you can do, and I am sure that’s your plan!

My H said on the way in to the tunnel that he was ‘turning into someone he never wanted to be’. I couldn’t work out if he meant a husband and father (pre-mlc) or someone having an affair (mlc). Is it clear to you?

Thanks again
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #49 on: November 06, 2019, 06:24:22 PM »
Thank you Shocks sis, to be honest I can really relate to the fishbowl effect, only :/ maybe a bit reversed — a little remote or out of touch or sync with what others are saying. Not here, but just in the course of a day. Like you, I’ve never had this before (except when really sick, which doesn’t happen often, but it’s not medically recognized as anything but tiredness).

My muddy brain started sometime early this year I think, in parallel with what I think must be the end of my menstrual cycles. It’s like I’ve lost the rhythm of me, and I’m hoping that it clears in a few months once I reach that “one full calendar year” mark.

And then I hope I never have it again, because it really is disconcerting. In a way, h’s MLC has helped me to keep as sane and steady as possible, and one night early into this, I dreamt I asked him why he was taking the low road. In the dream, he told me he was doing it “So you won’t have to.” So I refrain from acting out. And I’m too tired to do that anyway. But it’s easy for me to see or imagine why others might run, affair, monster, etc.

With my own version of whatever it is fog, I have a ton of sympathy and empathy for what you and other MLCers have been or are going through. The sort of swirling “what the h... is going on??” is really disconcerting.

No questions from me, just saying thank you.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2019, 06:28:33 PM by terra »

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #50 on: November 06, 2019, 10:19:49 PM »
Hi BIB

Ah, my MLC brain convinced me that my om was mr. wonderful and perfect and a great prize catch........ it lied massively!
Thing that I still find hard to get my head around is the fact that pre MLC me wouldn’t have looked at him twice. I don’t mean that in a “I’m better than you “ way but he was someone I would never have wanted to spend time with yet, in MLC he became this oh so perfect person. It’s crazy. Things he said, things he did and just his general vile habits would  have sent pre MLC me running for the door yet in MLC these things are not visible. It’s as though I superimposed this idealised and perfect “leading man role “ onto an obviously flawed person.
The fog is a master of both illusion and delusion. It’s so convincingly seductive in its sickly sweet persuasion and total distortion of reality.
Given time and the invasion of reality the scales began to fall from my eyes and the fog began to disperse.
I ended up hating this oh so perfect (MLC brain) awful, manipulative and lazy man (fog free and back to reality brain). It’s as if, or so it seems to me that all om become Brad Pitt lookalikes and all ow become Marylin Monroe lookalikes in that they are the idealised versions of what our brains want them to be in our delusional La La Land existence. Until reality starts to bite away at the fog of lies sold to us by ourselves in MLC.
It’s still something I regret and find embarrassing to this day.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2019, 10:31:19 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #51 on: November 07, 2019, 02:05:26 AM »
Hi Shock Sis, I have mentioned this before in one of your early threads and now you have had time to grow in knowledge with us all and become very much part of our international family I would like to revisit it again, I hope you don’t mind.

After having time to self-reflect about your journey into Mlc and grief over your late father that triggered it, could there have been other influences at work that you can see now after the time you have spent with us. Have we contributed to your knowledge and growth in this area and helped your recovery at all.

With that being said it leads me to my question, I don’t know your age but many women seem to suffer from the mid forties to mid fifties with a gruesome affliction called the Menopause.

At this time there are many documented instances of some women getting angry, VERY,VERY Angry!! at their spouse and blame them for anything and everything, ring a bell with any of you ladies and gentlemen following along?.....

Character changes, confusion and fog are reported as well as emotional highs and lows. Hyper sexuality in some and a total lack of libido in others. Self-reflection and fantasy thoughts of missed opportunities occur as well.Divorce at this time of life is on the increase and women are filing for more of them than men.

At this stage in your evolution and after much discussion and self-reflection could the menopause have been a contributing factor in your trigger for the MLC coupled with your grief at the time.

Kind regards and keep up the good work
Jack

Offline Nas

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #52 on: November 07, 2019, 05:11:03 AM »
I just want to say on behalf of the MANY wonderful LBS women here who are currently or have gone through menopause, There are too many instances of the myth being perpetuated that women in menopause act like psychopathic out of control beasts. Menopause is not a mental illness. Yes, there are hormonal surges involved in this time of life, and those may lead to emotional moments every so often, but it does not turn a woman who was previously calm and kind into a monster.
It doesn’t lead to severe pathological personality changes. Several men perpetuate this myth over and over and it is getting quite insulting.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #53 on: November 07, 2019, 05:35:04 AM »
Jack,

Well I certainly never heard menopause referred to as "gruesome affliction."   ;D

I suppose it may be for some women, but most women go through it relatively easy.  I know my mother had a hard time with it.  She and my dad had the best marriage ever for over 60 years, but during menopause there were a few years where she almost hated him.  She wanted to go out dancing and have fun, where as my dad has always been a couch potato, and she resented him for that.  He was no fun.  I think she truly wanted to leave him, but she never did.
She never got mean, or had a complete opposite personality change but she was not herself.  No rages..maybe a mild frustrated Monster once in a while.

Afterwards (typically it could last up to 5 years) she got back to "normal" and she loved him even more than she did before.

I, on the other hand, had almost no symptoms.  Mild hot flashes and I cried over everything, but that was about it, which I think is more normal for most women.

I think it may be similar to a man having low testosterone (Low T).  Testosterone is a man's feel good hormone, and when it's too low it can cause depression and low energy, low libido problems and just feeling out of sorts.

People in mid life experience these problems with our hormones.  I guess if your hormones are too out of whack a doctor should be able to help.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #54 on: November 07, 2019, 05:44:56 AM »
Unngghhhh..... I'm so not looking forward to that T......

MLC and THEN "The gruesome affliction"?!??!?! LOL!!!!!  ;D

What a one-two punch.
W: "I'm all better!!!! No more MLC!!!!!..... oh crap...... is it hot in here???? [Monster Monster Monster]  :-X

My mom said she felt as if on fire for a couple years, and was SUPER grumpy at dad.... but I don't think she hated him or got close to it. I know it was real hard on him.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #55 on: November 07, 2019, 06:07:58 AM »
Hi Thunder, agreed a lot of women have an easier passage and your mom is a good benchmark for you but for some it is gruesome horrible experience not for the faint hearted. It seems your mums quest for enjoyment during this time kept the monster at bay mostly which is great for her and your father. And it’s great to hear everything was fine once the storm was over.

Yes men have the Andropause/Manopause and can get cranky to during this time, we also tend to be less self-aware than women. I personally feel for the women who have it badly and I have read many articles of the problems they experience and regrets of decisions made during these times. There’s a lot of similarities that could be viewed as an MLC.

My question was to see if this may have had an influence on Shock Sis and her decision making processes during her crisis and I don’t want to clog up her thread and send it off track. I will start a discussion once my current thread is full so everyone can contribute.
Kind regards
Jack

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #56 on: November 07, 2019, 06:12:23 AM »
Standing Strong it’s scary from both sides of the fence agreed, your Dads a real trooper.

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #57 on: November 07, 2019, 07:01:08 AM »
I just want to say on behalf of the MANY wonderful LBS women here who are currently or have gone through menopause, There are too many instances of the myth being perpetuated that women in menopause act like psychopathic out of control beasts. Menopause is not a mental illness. Yes, there are hormonal surges involved in this time of life, and those may lead to emotional moments every so often, but it does not turn a woman who was previously calm and kind into a monster.
It doesn’t lead to severe pathological personality changes. Several men perpetuate this myth over and over and it is getting quite insulting.

Hi Nas, it’s a natural process and you women are wonderful for holding it together during this time. Regarding psychopathy and beastiality although I never mentioned these only character/ mood changes and generally these pass once the process is over.

There are criminal cases of women committing murder and using PMT successfully as a defence under temporary insanity. Yes I’ve been on the tail end of emotional outburst during this time and it can be viewed as emotional abuse but you make allowances as a man as you know the persons going through a tough time.

The changes in both sexes are evidenced medically but not in enough depth in my opinion. It could be the medical community view this time as a passing phase akin to the midlife crisis and it’s out of character behaviours. Research has been conducted largely by women in this area and I’m sure they would not do this if they thought it was a myth.

Lastly I’m sorry if you feel discussing this topic by myself and several other men insulting to you and in no way is it intended to be but my question is relevant and has yet to be answered by Shock Sis.
Kind regards
Jack

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #58 on: November 07, 2019, 07:08:56 AM »
Hi Jack

I don’t think menopause played a part in my MLC as in my opinion, three factors NEEDED to be in place to trigger it. 1. Depression. 2. Stress over a long period. 3. A traumatic event.
I was depressed and suffered stress and worry over my Father’s diagnosis and finally his death which happened a lot quicker than anticipated.
As people are individuals and each persons levels of stress, depression and trauma differ so are the varying trigger switches.
Men suffer MLC as well as women and men don’t have a menopause so I don’t think it’s a factor.
All MLCers in my opinion must have those 3 key things in place and the perception of their spouse being weak etc. Weakness in my MLC was seen in my ex h by me when all he was doing was suffering heartbreak because of me. Begging and pleading added to this perception.
Anger was present in me for most of the early days and confusion though that changed to indifference.
As I entered my menopause late and I was out of the fog by then I know it was nothing to do with it.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #59 on: November 07, 2019, 07:19:21 AM »
FWIW, I have heard MLC described as “male menopause”.  It’s actually one of the things that has kept me going - like stay the course, this is temporary, etc.

I think they’ve only been compared because their symptoms are similar - not because one has anything to do with the other.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #60 on: November 07, 2019, 07:32:39 AM »
I wonder how many MLCs or severe MLTs have been incorrectly attributed to menopause.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #61 on: November 07, 2019, 07:58:29 AM »
Brain

I’m sure several, but MLC isn’t medically recognized.

Only select therapists even acknowledge it as a real thing 😡

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #62 on: November 07, 2019, 08:19:21 AM »
Shock sis - sorry I am just now catching on to this thread and if this was asked before I apologize.
Can you tell me how long it took you from BD to returning ?

Also, is there anything us LBS can do other than leave them be and focus on us ?

Thank you so much
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #63 on: November 07, 2019, 08:32:46 AM »
Thank you Shock Sis for answering my question, it’s always good to hear your answers. Some men suffer the Andropause which can be a turbulent time but I would imagine that females have a worse experience.

With males our testosterone drops by 2% a year in our 30s and in later years it can affect our hair, bones, health, strength, concentration and labido. The worse time I see for women is the peri-menopause where the body is in a state of fluctuation and reproductive decline.

Depression is a key factor in MLC for sure and having experienced this myself it indeed depresses the soul. Once again thank you for all the answers you have given to all of us and it  helps to increase  our understanding of the MLC phenomenon. Hopefully one day science will isolate the nucleus of the problem and in the process save relationships.
Kind regards
Jack

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #64 on: November 07, 2019, 09:25:41 AM »
Hi Shratz

From BD to full awakening was 4 years though the feelings of unhappiness and anger happened before BD though until I read on here I never really linked the two.
I would also like to thank each of you for the insight from the lbs perspective as this has helped me immensely. Without you would I have had the conversation with my ex h? Maybe eventually but I got to see it from his side and that is directly down to all of you and of course my dear sister shock who is a lbs herself.
Thank you you are my cyber family x
« Last Edit: November 07, 2019, 09:29:34 AM by Shockandawe »

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #65 on: November 07, 2019, 12:02:11 PM »
I wonder how many MLCs or severe MLTs have been incorrectly attributed to menopause.

Quite a few I would think MBIB as there’s quite a few similarities such as monstering, brain fog, mood swings and out of character behaviour. There’s a real need for more research in the area as not enough is published and it seems taboo to a lot of the medical profession. In particular the Male Andropause, there’s very little I can find about this phase and us guys need to know what’s coming our way.

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #66 on: November 07, 2019, 12:07:37 PM »
Brain

I’m sure several, but MLC isn’t medically recognized.

Only select therapists even acknowledge it as a real thing 😡

Perhaps we should send them all a memo Mego, from us all, saying “Really!!”

Offline Nas

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #67 on: November 07, 2019, 12:21:49 PM »
Jack, really, perhaps you should start a discussion thread so people have a place to respond to you about this particular subject, but your repeated mischaracterizations of menopause are troubling. It’s not some mentally debilitating, soul crushing horror show called “The Menopause.”
There’s literally decades of research on menopause. It can produce some shifts in mood, sure, but it’s not the kind of manic/depressive out of control event you seem to keep describing. It’s a natural shift in hormone levels over a period of years. Which happens multiple times throughout our lives. It doesn’t turn benevolent women into monsters.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #68 on: November 07, 2019, 12:49:29 PM »
Hi Keep Believing

Sorry for the delay in answering.
Partying yes I did but didn’t get drunk. It was all part of escapism to run from the depression and numbness.

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #69 on: November 07, 2019, 02:54:43 PM »
Jack, really, perhaps you should start a discussion thread so people have a place to respond to you about this particular subject, but your repeated mischaracterizations of menopause are troubling. It’s not some mentally debilitating, soul crushing horror show called “The Menopause.”
There’s literally decades of research on menopause. It can produce some shifts in mood, sure, but it’s not the kind of manic/depressive out of control event you seem to keep describing. It’s a natural shift in hormone levels over a period of years. Which happens multiple times throughout our lives. It doesn’t turn benevolent women into monsters.

Nas, I was going to start a discussion thread as I have already mentioned in my previous post to Thunder which you should be aware of as you are following along. However on reflection I have decided in a greater part due to your disparaging replies too my posts not to pursue this at this time as I seek greater knowledge/understanding and not to antagonise anyone or gender.

In resolution of this matter I would respectfully suggest as you find my dialog relating to my personal opinions on the effects of the Menopause/Andropause and it’s possible impact on MLC allegedly mischaracterising, you avoid reading/replying to my posts as I will be doing to yours.

I hope this clarifies matters as I do not want to get involved at all with infighting as it blocks avenues that need exploring and I would imagine puts off many who want to post for the first time and reduces their growth/healing.
Jack

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #70 on: November 08, 2019, 01:01:36 PM »
Sis

What else did you do to escape the depression and numbness?  I assume OM was a part of that? 

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #71 on: November 08, 2019, 02:35:07 PM »
Hi Mego

I would hop on a plane every 3 weeks to get to om and stay there for four or five days. I could live my fantasy and escape my numbness by living a life totally opposite of my real life. It was enough it was exciting because I could be someone else.
I had a tattoo, tongue piercing and changed my style of dress, my hair and had fillers in my lips. It’s mind blowing but I did those things and more.

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #72 on: November 08, 2019, 02:59:11 PM »
Hi SS, when deep in the fog what did your dreams consist of, was it dreams of your new fantasy life, your pre MLC life or just random dreams you normally would have had. The reason I ask this is to see if the fog controlling your fully awake and conscious mind was also present in your sleeping subconcios mind and in absolute control.

Offline 3Boys4Me

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #73 on: November 08, 2019, 03:20:23 PM »
Dreams, yes, very interested to know about your dreams
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Flabbergasted

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #74 on: November 08, 2019, 05:12:54 PM »
WOW Jackolar, what a GREAT question!!
I believe in us, but most of all I believe in me!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #75 on: November 09, 2019, 03:58:08 AM »
Yes it is.

My H used to fall asleep on the couch and I watched his face.  He looked really upset, like he would get this frown on his face, sometimes his face would turn red, breathing was off, then he would wake up suddenly and look at me like he was in a daze.

A few times I asked him if he was having a nightmare and he would say, no I don't think so, I don't ever really remember my dreams, maybe I don't dream.   ::)

It was quite bizarre and I had forgotten all about this until you were asked about your dreams.  It appeared he was in real distress.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #76 on: November 09, 2019, 04:44:25 AM »
Thank you folks, if there’s enough interest I may start a thread. I’m learning leather craft at the moment so I’m absorbed with that right now. I find hobbies a great distraction technique to stop me dwelling on things and reduce anxiety.
Kind regards
Jack

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #77 on: November 09, 2019, 05:40:02 AM »
Hi Jack

I don’t think I dreamt if at all but if I did then I have no recollection of them.
Great that you’re occupying yourself with things you enjoy. That’s the best thing to do. Keep up the good work

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #78 on: November 09, 2019, 06:37:25 AM »
Ss when you Bd, was it because your h found out or did you just tell him. My reason for the question is when I got the  bd. It came across as he was proud of himself but yet was crying like a baby one minute. By morning told me he was going to kill himself. Talk about the range of emotions. I didn’t say much... it was disturbing to watch
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #79 on: November 09, 2019, 06:43:23 AM »
There seems to be a common belief, ShockSis, that MLCers get much worse before they might get better in the sense of going much deeper into the 'tunnel' after a while. Looking back, how many years after BD do you think you were at your most MLCish? Was there in fact a 'deeper bit of the tunnel'?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #80 on: November 09, 2019, 07:47:43 AM »
Hi Shelly

The first BD from me took a while because I was so confused about everything. I went through a range of emotions from anger to raging, from depression to feelings of deep loss. Every feeling was negative. I got more depressed and began to think I would be better off away from my ex h. I began to feel nothing it was as if I was a block of ice. I started chatting to om online and I started to feel excited and eager to hear from him. Then I would look at my ex h and the hatred would come back. I had all of these feelings of what I thought was love toward this om who would always say the right things, made me feel as if I was his whole world and that I was the most perfect person. In my MLC fog filled head I totally believed om and totally blamed my ex h for killing my love for him. As far as I was concerned it was entirely his fault and he deserved my raging anger. So I told my ex h I wanted out and I wasn’t happy but I didn’t tell him about om.
I made his life hell I was so cruel, so uncaring and cold. I screamed in his face that I didn’t love him and never would.
I am absolutely astonished at that, to be so awful to this man who I did love so deeply but that love and all positive feelings were out of reach.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #81 on: November 09, 2019, 07:55:19 AM »
Hi Treasur

Great question.
I was pretty awful at the start but yes, I got worse once anger came in then I was raging a lot. After that I began to feel indifferent toward ex h and, although the anger abated, taking its place came this person who really couldn’t care less what happened to my ex h. At this point if someone told me he was dead I really wouldn’t have cared. That is so disgustingly horrible but brutally honest. I think for my ex h the indifference period was worse because I really just treated him like some random stranger, well no, I would treat a random stranger better than I did him. I ignored him most of the time and carried on with my fabulous life. Ha, even typing that makes me cringe.

Offline seahorse

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #82 on: November 09, 2019, 08:03:03 AM »
Sis -
How did your H respond to you?
- Beg and plead - all the things we're "not supposed to do"
- Keep lips zipped

Did he give you many truth darts?
Having a hard time distinguishing whether it's best to say my mind with truth darts (staying calm and composed), or whether best to just ignore anything said (especially when monstering and blaming).

Thanks,
Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #83 on: November 09, 2019, 08:15:26 AM »
Hi Sea

He begged and pleaded, cried and went to his knees to beg me to not give up on him. Everything he did or said at this time made me want to run faster and further away. I was just so awful and downright evil and I will be ashamed of that forever.
My advice, don’t grovel, don’t beg or plead because it’s not going to work because your MLCer is already on the crazy bus and all the begging, pleading and relationship talk will convince them they are right and justified in doing this.
Show strength because this is what we lack. Be kind because we aren’t. Be short in answering but be polite and above all don’t react to the monster we become.
The sooner you let them go do whatever they think they need to the better for both of you.
I know in my case if he had let go perhaps I would have got through it quicker than I did.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 08:21:41 AM by Shockandawe »

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #84 on: November 09, 2019, 08:34:51 AM »
Wow Sis....that’s remarkable!

Denjef31 said almost the exact same thing...that if he had just let go, she might have come out of it sooner than she did (perhaps someone has the exact quote?)

For me, I let go a long time ago because I had no other choice (he “remarried”.)
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 08:35:55 AM by megogirl »

Offline Granite

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #85 on: November 09, 2019, 08:38:20 AM »
Hi ShockSis,

I am curious about your memories of the earlier times with your ex-husband during the crisis.

How did you view all those good years together?  In crisis did you view that time as bad or did you know those were good years, but placed them behind you reasoning -that was then this is now- or maybe just focused on the negative?


Thanks

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #86 on: November 09, 2019, 08:52:30 AM »
Mego, it's right at the very bottom of my post.

That was a quote from Denjef that she let me use.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #87 on: November 09, 2019, 09:05:58 AM »
I guess if you read something over and over after a while you start to internalize it and claim it as your own.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #88 on: November 09, 2019, 09:07:49 AM »
Thanx, thunder

I’ll just repost (easier): “From my experience, if my husband had let me go a long time ago and stopped pressuring me, begging and pleading and just let go, I possibly would have experienced my Awakening sooner than I did.”

Almost identical, Sis.  Isn’t that crazy?
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 09:13:58 AM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #89 on: November 09, 2019, 09:23:31 AM »
I would expect most women who went through a MLC would say something very similar.

They do not want pressure from their LBS's by begging, it just makes it worse.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 3Boys4Me

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #90 on: November 09, 2019, 09:36:59 AM »
I think it’s hard to overestimate the impact of pressure on the MLCer, it is a completely normal response by the LBS to beg, plead, expect responsibility out of our longtime spouse and we are so traumatized and blindsided at BD. But my MLCer could absolutely not see or hear me when he felt any pressure at all. I didn’t beg and plead for long (not once I learned of OW) but I am still often attached  - in the moment I just want him to behave like a normal human being, but I am almost always met by monster. Unless he initiates it never works. Thanks Shock Sis for reinforcing what we have heard before, it continues to validate our understanding and our experience even while being a sample of one. We all know each of us are on a solo path that may be quite divergent than yours, still helps to calm my very traumatized nerves... thank you
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline seahorse

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #91 on: November 09, 2019, 09:44:53 AM »
Yes Sis - Thank you~
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #92 on: November 09, 2019, 09:56:02 AM »
Thanx, thunder

I’ll just repost (easier): “From my experience, if my husband had let me go a long time ago and stopped pressuring me, begging and pleading and just let go, I possibly would have experienced my Awakening sooner than I did.”

Almost identical, Sis.  Isn’t that crazy?

No Mego, it's closer to this quote from Denjef (which was in response to a question I posed to her):

Quote
When he constantly begged, pleaded, cried, manipulated, and even threatened me I was not able to process my own stuff and it delayed my progress. I was stuck for a while due to this. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing for a very long time.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #93 on: November 09, 2019, 10:00:33 AM »
I only posted verbatim what thunder did, which was very very close to the one I’d remembered.

Apparently Denjef posted her thoughts twice, and they slightly differed.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 10:03:47 AM by megogirl »

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #94 on: November 09, 2019, 11:31:41 AM »
Yes!! Thank you.
Like many others here... your post was almost exactly what X said. The screaming in the face of H was what I got too.  Wow.. that took me back.. Thank you again!!!
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 11:35:56 AM by Shelly7435 »
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #95 on: November 10, 2019, 08:29:58 AM »
Sis

I find it amazing that through it all you still knew you were “making progress.”

What specifically led you to know that?

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #96 on: November 10, 2019, 12:55:33 PM »
Hi Mego

I didn’t realise I was making progress when in the midst of the fog of MLC. It’s only with the gift of hindsight that I realise I went through various stages which was what I was meant to do.

MLC is a huge journey of sorting out the inner issues I had shoved down and ignored until something opened Pandoras Box as in my father’s death. Once that box was opened I couldn’t close it until I had examined and sorted out my issues. Sometimes I think I stalled and slowed down, maybe it was because it became too hard and I couldn’t deal with it. Either way, I took the ride on the crazy train but that crazy train went full circle after a round trip to my past issues.

I know I have dealt with everything and I came back to the real me, caretaker me or the alien was no longer needed as the real me came through more and more.

Hope that I have written clearly enough to portray what I mean.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #97 on: November 10, 2019, 01:18:22 PM »
ShockSis

Thank you for responding.  You write quite beautifully.

I think what is most encouraging about your tale is that is has a concise beginning, middle, and ending.  Such “chapters” help a Stander understand that we didn’t dream this whole nightmare - and that it is, in fact, a “story.”

« Last Edit: November 10, 2019, 01:22:31 PM by megogirl »

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #98 on: November 10, 2019, 02:24:59 PM »
Hahaha Jack

It’s important to me to at least attempt to lift the veils of mystery from the phenomenon that is MLC. I know it’s not a one size fits all but if my perspective gives a little illumination on this destructive and just awful time then I am happy to do this. Ultimately you are all helping me too. It’s a win win situation.

Offline Wilderheart

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #99 on: November 11, 2019, 02:27:49 AM »
Good morning Shock sis, or at least it's morning here in the UK, I'm curious as to if you feel that your pathway through MLC followed RR's description of the six stages, particularly after replay, did you hit liminality and work through those stages, and if so how close to her description of the process do you feel you were?

Thank you for being here and answering all these questions.

God bless you.

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #100 on: November 11, 2019, 08:51:57 AM »
Hi Shock Sis, did you feel fear at all in your MLC, fear of ageing, fear of missing out in life any sort of fear you now find was unfounded but at that time was very real to you.
Jack

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #101 on: November 11, 2019, 12:21:42 PM »
Sis

You may or may not be able to answer this.

On one FB group there is a poster who talks about “The Switch.”  Basically, his crisis is ruled by this Switch which is “on” (raging MLC) about 75% of the time, and “off” (dormant MLC) for the other 25%.  He doesn’t control when, or if, the Switch is on.

Can you relate to any of this?  Another poster was empathetic and described the dormant part of his Switch as “the calm”. 

Just curious. It’s fascinating!
 
« Last Edit: November 11, 2019, 12:41:25 PM by megogirl »

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #102 on: November 11, 2019, 11:26:12 PM »
Exactly that Treasur,

Your MLCers are ALL trying desperately to run away from themselves because I know I was.
I hated the fact I was weak and vulnerable, that I was trapped in the same feelings of fear I had as a child but I was now an adult. I did everything I could to run from facing that head on. I created a whole new me. This was the alien caretaker and the real me or the prisoner as it’s sometimes referred to, was safely tucked up inside a blanket of fog. I now know that whilst in that fog the inner child was healing.

I did become this whole other person who was entirely focused on myself. The overwhelming compulsion to do what I did was something I couldn’t fight because I wasn’t strong enough to fight. I became the complete opposite of myself. I became the biggest liar because my whole fantasy life was a lie and in order to protect the real me who was now in hibernation if you like, my brain lied to myself so it stands to reason I would lie to everyone.

All you LBSers, none of your spouses MLC is or ever was about you or your marriages, it’s all on them and this is why it’s vital that you leave them to it as there really isn’t anything you can do or say that will get them off the crazy bus  any faster but there’s everything you can do for yourselves.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2019, 11:27:42 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #103 on: November 12, 2019, 05:29:47 AM »
Hi Treasure, your right in all ways regarding moving on and acceptance. It is what it is as you say. I just haven’t achieved it as yet and I don’t know how to. I guess I will have to go on living with this heavy weight on my shoulders until I find something that works.
Kind regards
Jack

Offline Loyal

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #104 on: November 12, 2019, 06:09:28 AM »
Hi SchocksSis,  thank you again for taking the time and responding to all of our neverending questions.

I'd be very grateful if you could try to explain as to why in your opinion a  Vanisher, that has been living together with OW since shortly after he left home 2 1/2 years ago, would bother snooping (spying) on the LBS after such a long time?


 
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

"Surrender to what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be"

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #105 on: November 12, 2019, 06:24:33 AM »
My W still snoops . Phone records, FAKEBOOK, all of it. She's not a vanished. But it's the same I think. They are worried what we are doing. JMO  .

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #106 on: November 12, 2019, 06:44:08 AM »
No I get it, Helping.

I’ve received two warning emails from both Twitter and Facebook that “someone was trying to access your account - was it you?”  Um, no - and I don’t even use Twitter.  Dumbass.

He is remarried.  What exactly was he looking for?
« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 06:46:48 AM by megogirl »

Offline Loyal

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #107 on: November 12, 2019, 07:01:46 AM »
HM,  thanks for your response but I cannot imagine my V being worried about what I'm doing.
« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 07:05:40 AM by Loyal »
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

"Surrender to what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be"

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #108 on: November 12, 2019, 07:39:21 AM »
Hi Loyal

It’s because we like to keep tabs and disguise it as concern. I know Shocks husband does it and I did it.
Weird because the alien me couldn’t of cared less but the real me did.

I guess as LBSers very few would not have checked their MLCers FB or Twitter etc and I think MLCers do it too but so they can see what is going on.

Online Treasur

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #109 on: November 12, 2019, 07:49:06 AM »
HM,  thanks for your response but I cannot imagine my V being worried about what I'm doing.

I've always assumed this too, Loyal, but there seem to be quite a few anecdotal examples of Vanishers who do. Who know things they couldn't know unless they did. I guess that leaves us with two choices; stop posting on social media or post Large with lots of pics of our lovely MLC free life and the glamourous benefits of the LBS diet  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #110 on: November 12, 2019, 09:06:12 AM »
Hahahaha Treasur

I say go with the latter!
As  I was in MLC there was a time prior to indifference, where I would be very angry if my ex h seemed to be getting stronger which is crazy because I saw him as weak and it was that perception of weakness I used as part of my justification.

During the indifference period I didn’t care what he did but, as I came through I did and do care what he did and does.

Show these MLCers your strength and ability to not only cope but your ability to thrive.

Shock has lost so much weight and she has completely changed her look and she looks stunning and although her husband never says a word to her about her transformation I tell her he notices because he’s not blind and she’s beautiful. Her ordeal through this has made her so much stronger and she has got herself a life. I am proud of my sister she’s come a long way. Our grandmother used to say to us that experience costs and payment isn’t with money.


Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #111 on: November 12, 2019, 09:50:01 AM »
Your grandmother sounds like a wise woman.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #112 on: November 12, 2019, 01:00:51 PM »
Sis

If it’s beneficial for LBS to “thrive”, doesn’t that mean we should date and let him know that we are dating?  Simply put....doesn’t Standing show a sign of weakness and not strength?

Thx
xxx m

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #113 on: November 12, 2019, 02:11:18 PM »
I think you can show your strength without dating, just show them you are making a great life for yourself.  Show them you can have a happy, fulfilling life, without them or anyone else.
That to me shows strength.

Now having said that if we are divorced...and possibly they married the OP, there is no reason not to date, unless you don't want to.  That's your choice.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #114 on: November 12, 2019, 02:21:42 PM »
Agreed thunder - I just think of Stayed’s H, who talked about losing Stayed so had “no anchor, no way back, no reality, just a movie.” (Yes, exactly what Sis says!).  Then, he said he woke up.

So isn’t it beneficial to have all H’s feel the same way?
« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 03:29:48 PM by megogirl »

Offline MKnight10

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #115 on: November 12, 2019, 03:26:58 PM »
Almost 3yrs post BD - just the thought of dating makes me feel like I'm cheating and an act of betrayal.

How does one get past this? When do these feelings pass?

MK

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #116 on: November 12, 2019, 03:59:31 PM »
Almost 3yrs post BD - just the thought of dating makes me feel like I'm cheating and an act of betrayal.

How does one get past this? When do these feelings pass?

MK

Right there with you, MK.  I put my wedding ring back on in early September.  This is an odd journey.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #117 on: November 12, 2019, 04:04:14 PM »
Bad news MK. I'm several months beyond 5 years and it hasn't passed yet. :(

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #118 on: November 12, 2019, 04:17:07 PM »
mego
Quote
If it’s beneficial for LBS to “thrive”, doesn’t that mean we should date and let him know that we are dating?  Simply put....doesn’t Standing show a sign of weakness and not strength?

This sounds like you believe that there is something that you can do to entice him back. There really is not.

I do not believe Stayed dated. She did get on with her life and did not focus on him. Her life is what mattered.

If you are standing, then you are not dating. If you want your spouse to return, how will you handle dating someone else, perhaps caring deeply for that person ..what do you do then when your spouse gets through their MLC and tries to come back home?  Who do you choose? How would that affect the person that you are dating?

In my opinion, once you start dating you are no longer standing. That doesn't mean that you might not reconcile down the road because anything is possible, but the word "standing" is about honoring the covenant of marriage, the permanency of marriage.

I would like my husband to come through his crisis and remember the love we shared, and want that love once again. I would not think if he returned because he saw me dating someone that this would be a healthy way to reconnect and deal with all the issues his crisis has caused.

MK:
Quote
Almost 3yrs post BD - just the thought of dating makes me feel like I'm cheating and an act of betrayal.

How does one get past this? When do these feelings pass?

It isn't necessary to date. Yes, it can be lonely but unless you are free of the past, you don't care about reconciling or you don't love your spouse anymore, then perhaps "dating" isn't the right thing to do.

Joining groups of people with similar interests allows you to meet new friends and enjoy new experiences but it doesn't fill that inner need for an intimate partner.

I have tried being a casual friend to 4 men, making it very clear that I wasn't interested in dating. 3 of the men disregarded my wishes which has left a really bitter taste in my mouth.

What part of the word NO don't they get?

So I remain satisfied in my own life, in my world that has become very rich and fulfilling.

The door is still open for Mr xyzcf and I suspect it always will be. If he ever walks through it again, I have nothing to confess to or feel that I betrayed him...for me, he is in a crisis of epic proportions....that doesn't mean I have to change anything about my values or my beliefs. I continue to remain married in God's eyes and in my heart and so I live as I did before his crisis hit.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline seahorse

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #119 on: November 12, 2019, 04:54:56 PM »
I'm not sure that i agree that all MLCers keep tabs on the LBS.
My H has unfriended me and does not follow me on FB or IG (I have private pages).
He doesn't stop by.
He doesn't call.
We don't have common friends or family to ask about me.

He is just deep in the tunnel and really doesn't care anything about me or what I'm doing.

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Acorn

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #120 on: November 12, 2019, 05:17:57 PM »
I'm not sure that i agree that all MLCers keep tabs on the LBS.

What a logical thing to say, Sea!
How would anyone know what’s in someone else’s head?  Especially in an MLCer one never met.
Generalization is one of the most often sited examples of logical fallacies.

 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline in it

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #121 on: November 12, 2019, 07:43:44 PM »
Seahorse-

I didn't have an Mlcer. I don't think I believe in MLC and the horrific behavior that ensues as if there was no control over it. Some excuse for extremely bad behavior. Frankly I don't know what he was, outside being very abusive. ( A lot of my own foo issues kept me trying to make things better)

As far as them keeping tabs on us?

For the record:
He divorced me for someone else.
I left the marital home.
The affair lasted 11 months ended with a lot of drama.
I went back foolishly thinking he would want the family intact.
That attempt lasted a year and 8 months before he  called the troopers on me to take me to a wellness center to be evaluated ( I was crying a lot due to the grief since I knew there was no way a relationship was going to work. He would take zero accountability for blowing up the family.) He told the troopers I was going to commit suicide which was not true and I didn't find out he said that until much later.
After spending  6 hours being evaluated I was released
He intimidated me into handing over my bank card and signing the only car that was in my name over to him. Yelling and screaming the entire time then kicked me out with just the clothes on my back . I stayed with a relative.

I went back two weeks later for my clothes and personal papers He called the troopers AGAIN. Provoked me, voice recorded me and he assaulted me before the troopers got there. I hit my head on the pavement in the assault and I was in shock when they got there and could not tell them what happened. I ended up at the hospital for ex-rays 3 days later. I could not have him arrested, I tried.
This happened 6 years ago

Now it's pretty obvious to me he could not care less about me. Anybody that treated you like that. Why on God's green earth would you think they cared? Or could care where you went or what you were doing as long as they were rid of you. I was the problem right? The cause of all the misery?

Two years ago I moved to a whole other state, 1100 miles away.

Last year.
I was contacted by a lawyer in regards to my late mothers estate. This lawyer had nothing to go on but my married last name ( I changed it back to my maiden name after THAT drama) and he had called the ex looking for me  >:(

The ex told him : I think she is in and named the state I reside in now. ??? ??? :o :o :o

I have been COMPLETE and total pitch black NC for 6 years.
 
So if you think they don't keep tabs, you might want to rethink it. Doesn't matter in my case, my answer is a huge NO of ever going back or ever wanting anything to do with him ever again. My situation is different.

Seahorse- My advice is go no contact, or maintain it if you are now, gain strength and thrive. They more than likely will be watching.
You need to focus entirely on you and not concern yourself with what they are doing.
 
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #122 on: November 12, 2019, 08:34:38 PM »
I didn't have an Mlcer.

I don't mean to be offensive but this is the only relevant part of this post IMO. What good does it do to compare apple trees with bulldogs?

Online Treasur

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #123 on: November 12, 2019, 11:36:32 PM »
I'm not sure that i agree that all MLCers keep tabs on the LBS.

What a logical thing to say, Sea!
How would anyone know what’s in someone else’s head?  Especially in an MLCer one never met.
Generalization is one of the most often sited examples of logical fallacies.

It is. I assume everything sea said in my situation with an xh vanisher particularly. Other people in different situations may see it differently or be dealing with different behaviour.
And, the important thing is, now that I feel safe and myself again I don't care if he does or not.
« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 11:50:59 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline in it

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #124 on: November 13, 2019, 02:57:33 AM »
Shorter version Brain? ;D ;D
Regardless of who they are, whatever label you want to give them, or how it ends. They still keep tabs.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #125 on: November 13, 2019, 03:13:53 AM »
Well it seems that most LBSes here are keeping tabs on their MLCers.  ::)
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline in it

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #126 on: November 13, 2019, 04:10:23 AM »
You got that right NYM :)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #127 on: November 13, 2019, 07:56:14 AM »
Well it seems that most LBSes here are keeping tabs on their MLCers.  ::)

Indeed. I know I do bc we share a small child and I need to do what is best for my boy. 😁
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #128 on: November 13, 2019, 08:26:12 AM »
Sis

Did you keep tabs on your XH?  If so, why?

Always curious to know what runs through dem minds.....

Offline MKnight10

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #129 on: November 13, 2019, 09:32:49 AM »
Hi ShockSis

So MLCr has been to collect our daughter. A quick polite, amicable chat about child care arrangements, including stuff I didn't really need to know.

My question, when arranging child care during your MLC, could you see the pain in your husband's eyes? Could you see the destruction, devastation and hurt you were leaving in your wake?

I remember you saying he met someone fairly soon after, but did you have any sense you were hurting anyone during this time. Did any of it register?

When I see her, all the emotions of a life and family together, come flooding back and she demonstrates she doesn't care one bit. How does one ease the pain? I don't want my 90yr old self to look back and say I wasted my 40s over a woman who lied, cheated and couldn't care less.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2019, 09:34:49 AM by MKnight10 »

Offline seahorse

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #130 on: November 13, 2019, 12:43:20 PM »
I think keeping track of our MLCer, thought, really prevents true detaching - unless it's for the welfare of the kids (getting drunk before parental responsibilities, etc).
But, overall, I think we are better off if we just let them go do what they need to do, without following them around (physically, social media or by questioning friends/family).
Focus on ourselves and detach.
If you are constantly keeping track of what they're doing, you're still not detached, right?

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline in it

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #131 on: November 13, 2019, 12:50:52 PM »
That's right Sea, detachment  puts the focus on where it belongs.

 On you and your healing. Finding the joy in your life. Maybe even some peace.

Let go and let God, it's above your pay grade.

« Last Edit: November 13, 2019, 01:02:44 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online One day at a time

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #132 on: November 13, 2019, 12:58:11 PM »
I think keeping track of our MLCer, thought, really prevents true detaching - unless it's for the welfare of the kids (getting drunk before parental responsibilities, etc).
But, overall, I think we are better off if we just let them go do what they need to do, without following them around (physically, social media or by questioning friends/family).
Focus on ourselves and detach.
If you are constantly keeping track of what they're doing, you're still not detached, right?

Sea
I agree with you Sea. When I stopped obsessing with what he was doing and with who, detachment and healing truly began for me. But I also think it's very hard to force ourselves to stop keeping track. For me it took time and one too many disappointments to get to the point of "enough is enough". It wasn't me making a conscious decision, the emotional shift came in stages and eventually I just felt like I no longer needed to know. Maybe some people can do it consciously but it wasn't my case
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #133 on: November 13, 2019, 01:13:41 PM »
One more ? for ShockSis

Did people ever mention you were in a MLC?  If so, how did you react to that?

Thanx xxxx

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #134 on: November 13, 2019, 01:14:51 PM »
I agree with One Day. I know some people can, but I think most cannot will themselves to detach and I have always objected to the advice to detach not because detachment is a bad thing, but telling someone to detach when they just can't just adds pressure to them and could make them feel like they are failing at dealing with MLC. Just like an MLCer can't be pushed along, I do not think it is a good idea to push an LBS either. Each of us will gain the ability to deal with this or we won't with time. I would rather tell someone you will detach with time rather than you should.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline in it

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #135 on: November 13, 2019, 01:35:45 PM »
I have found I could only detach after I experienced enough pain.  Not a way I would recommend to anyone trying to do this. And I will not do that in another relationship. I will not put myself or allow anyone to put me through what I went through with any excuse.

I have a lot better boundaries now. More self love and a very clear concept of what I will and will not tolerate. You cannot demand respect but you can refuse to be disrespected.

I just had to say enough was enough.

Enough lies, enough drama, enough games, enough of whatever their problem is.

There's no rush whenever you have had enough, you will know it.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #136 on: November 14, 2019, 12:28:27 PM »
Hi Mego

Firstly the dating or not question. If you date to somehow get back at your MLCER or to get them to take notice it probably will not work. I went through a period of total indifference and if anything, during this time in my MLC I was relieved he was off my back so to speak.
Dating is something I feel you should be ready to do for you in your own time and for no other reason. If your standing then I personally don’t think dating is such a good idea.
You don’t need another person to define or validate you. You need to get to the point where you’re healed enough to be ok with yourself regardless of your MLCER.

As for my reaction to anyone telling me they thought I was having a MLC, my ex h used to tell everyone he thought I was having a mental breakdown and he would tell me all the time. This brought out mega monster and I would rage and scream at him. If anyone else told me I was somehow different I would take it as a compliment rather than what it really was and that’s how bent up and crazy my head was.

« Last Edit: November 14, 2019, 12:32:10 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline Father5

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #137 on: November 14, 2019, 12:41:14 PM »
HI SS,

   I have had a minor interaction with my Wife. I was confident a secure. She had to go out of town to visit her mom yesterday and made a point to tell me that it was to visit her. This is the same town OM lives. She then called our nanny and she told her the same thing. To the point my nanny mentioned that she sure seemed adamit about telling me her mom was there.
 

  I guess my question is, did you do anything like this and if so why ? 
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #138 on: November 14, 2019, 01:03:21 PM »
Hi Father

I didn’t do anything like that but then there was no point as my ex h had already moved on and was with the woman who became his wife.
Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #139 on: November 14, 2019, 01:07:29 PM »
Not to butt in on your thread Shocks,

Father, My W did the same thing..... she'd do something wrong, and then be all "look, look, look what I'm doing, see? SEE? I'm not doing anything wrong (now)".
Could be something similar.

It's guilt.

-SS (Standing Strong)
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline seahorse

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #140 on: November 14, 2019, 02:40:41 PM »
Sis:

This may be a question for a discussion thread, but wanted to throw it to you.

There is a point where the LBS needs to be "detached", GAL, go dim, dark, NC, etc.
BUT - many people like Joe Beam with Marriage Helper believe that you should be a safe place for them to return to, and someone mentioned earlier about leaving seeds for our MLCer (kind actions, etc.)

So how do you walk the fine line?
OR is there a time when you should stop or start being the safe place?
I DON'T mean being a doormat, but being that person that the MLCer would be comfortable coming back to, versus someone who has been cold and distant..

I'm a Christian and know that God will direct my path, but He's not giving me much advice about the above.  As a Christian, it seems right to 'pave the way', "be the lighthouse", "be the safe spot", etc.  This no contact, truth darts, avoiding, etc are very difficult and kind of rub me the wrong way.  I AM mostly detached, but I don't want to push him away with my actions, for the future.

Any thoughts?

Sea


Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #141 on: November 14, 2019, 02:56:01 PM »
Sis:

This may be a question for a discussion thread, but wanted to throw it to you.

There is a point where the LBS needs to be "detached", GAL, go dim, dark, NC, etc.
BUT - many people like Joe Beam with Marriage Helper believe that you should be a safe place for them to return to, and someone mentioned earlier about leaving seeds for our MLCer (kind actions, etc.)

So how do you walk the fine line?
OR is there a time when you should stop or start being the safe place?
I DON'T mean being a doormat, but being that person that the MLCer would be comfortable coming back to, versus someone who has been cold and distant..

I'm a Christian and know that God will direct my path, but He's not giving me much advice about the above.  As a Christian, it seems right to 'pave the way', "be the lighthouse", "be the safe spot", etc.  This no contact, truth darts, avoiding, etc are very difficult and kind of rub me the wrong way.  I AM mostly detached, but I don't want to push him away with my actions, for the future.

Any thoughts?

Sea

Sea - Grateful you asked this question.  I'm Christian as well, and right now, I'm in full on " pave the way" mode, trying to include W in special things I do with D9, trying to share expenses, offering to do things around my old house (she says 'not your responsibility') and basically being kind.  This was after months of NC, other than our D9, and 4 months of her not acknowledging she had filed for D.  In some ways, I feel like a doormat, as these behaviors certainly aren't reciprocated.  I feel like it's causing me to lose my desire and will to save the marriage.  Still, I felt like I was "directed" to put my wedding ring back on and let W know I was still here and waiting.  It's certainly a strange feeling.  I've never done this for any other romantic interest in my life, but then again, I've never been married before.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Surviving2019

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #142 on: November 14, 2019, 02:58:26 PM »
Thank you for posing this question! It is exactly where I struggle!!

Offline marvin4242

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #143 on: November 14, 2019, 03:32:08 PM »
Here is my version fwiw (and its not from a religious viewpoint if that matters):

Being detached is something you do internally and for yourself. It is not something you direct at ones MLC spouse. You simply hold your own space, your own emotions, be responsible for them, and stop thinking and reacting to what they are doing. Separate your needs and well beings from theirs. This doesn’t mean the same as not have empathy or even love, it simply means separating and putting up walls.

At the same time meet them EXACTLY where they are. Be kind, be strong, and mirror where they are. If they disappear then don’t contact them. If they reach out in anger do not react and simply listen but don’t engage. If they say hi, say hi back. If they step a little closer carefully match them. When they react and run away simple step back. I think this lets them know there is a path, but they must take the steps.

When my wife randomly sends me something I respond just to that, and will let the conversation taper when she stops responding. If she disappears for months I put her out of my mind as much as I can. If she asks for something that is fair and in no way “costs” me anything I will say yes. But I won’t accommodate a lot, simply because she is in a space where she doesn’t. When she does do small things I thank her and make sure she knows it was noticed and appreciate.

That is at least my version of how to do both things at the same time.

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #144 on: November 14, 2019, 03:43:15 PM »
Here is my version fwiw (and its not from a religious viewpoint if that matters):

Being detached is something you do internally and for yourself. It is not something you direct at ones MLC spouse. You simply hold your own space, your own emotions, be responsible for them, and stop thinking and reacting to what they are doing. Separate your needs and well beings from theirs. This doesn’t mean the same as not have empathy or even love, it simply means separating and putting up walls.

At the same time meet them EXACTLY where they are. Be kind, be strong, and mirror where they are. If they disappear then don’t contact them. If they reach out in anger do not react and simply listen but don’t engage. If they say hi, say hi back. If they step a little closer carefully match them. When they react and run away simple step back. I think this lets them know there is a path, but they must take the steps.

When my wife randomly sends me something I respond just to that, and will let the conversation taper when she stops responding. If she disappears for months I put her out of my mind as much as I can. If she asks for something that is fair and in no way “costs” me anything I will say yes. But I won’t accommodate a lot, simply because she is in a space where she doesn’t. When she does do small things I thank her and make sure she knows it was noticed and appreciate.

That is at least my version of how to do both things at the same time.

Thank you Marvin.  Much appreciated.  I think meeting her EXACTLY where she is needs to be my goal.  I've gone from NC to nearly smothering (I fear.)  Good response.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Stand Tall

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #145 on: November 14, 2019, 05:34:54 PM »
Marvin,

  Thank you for how you responded to this. I will incorporate this into how I deal with my H. It make so much sense and very stress free with no push. Perfect in my opinion.

~Stand Tall
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline Nas

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #146 on: November 14, 2019, 05:38:47 PM »
I don’t think it makes sense when the MLCer isn’t being financially responsible. If they’ve left the LBS and kids financially harmed, it doesn’t make sense to me to be anything more than “gray rock.” If they make attempts to contact but sweep the financial harm under the rug, “meeting them where they’re at” seems to me like it would be enabling.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online Limboland2018

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #147 on: November 14, 2019, 06:41:48 PM »
Marvin

Love the advice. Just enacted it. Ex sent a happy birthday message so I responded back saying thank you. I wasn’t going to. I actually wanted to tell him to f^_k off. 🤣🤣🤣
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #148 on: November 14, 2019, 07:58:37 PM »
Sea,

If I may, I never think NC is a great idea, unless you are being abused, otherwise always be kind to your spouse, that is how you pave the way.

To protect your heart it may be essential to go "low" contact for the time being to show them you have self respect, self love, as God loves you.  Maybe let God be the lighthouse.

Your H is choosing to disrespect you, and your marriage, by deciding someone else is more important to him then the vows he made.
That is on him, not you.

If you are a Christian letting go and letting God handle him is more important than anything else you can do.

It is terribly painful to let them go, but maybe put your trust in God that he can handle this without your intervention.

I believe he has a plan for all of us, Sea.  You are not going to be forgotten.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #149 on: November 14, 2019, 09:34:26 PM »
Hi everyone,

I think it depends on the level you are and the effect contact has on you. If it’s so upsetting that it’s causing you stress and holding you on the emotional rollercoaster then I would say to ask yourself if being not as quick to contact is the way to go.

In the early days of my ex h moving out as an MLCER it would have been great to have no contact but, as time and my MLC progressed I would have loved more contact other than about our daughter.

I told Shock to respond only when contacted and even then don’t do it immediately and don’t divulge anything he doesn’t need to know but be civil, courteous and be appreciative if he has done something which benefits you.

Be the calm and the stress free person because you can bet your life the person he’s with won’t be. Do all of that but do it without expectation. Do it for your own well being.

I think Marvin pretty much nailed it and Thunder is as always right on the money.

« Last Edit: November 14, 2019, 09:36:25 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #150 on: November 15, 2019, 06:27:26 AM »
Sis

When you say “As time went on I would have loved more contact other than about our daughter” - why?  Do you think that you were slowly waking up?

Thanx xxx

Offline seahorse

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #151 on: November 15, 2019, 07:28:49 AM »
Sis, Marvin and Thunder - Great, concise advice.
Thank you everyone for chiming in.
I hope this helps the others who had the same question.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #152 on: November 15, 2019, 09:30:30 AM »
Hi everyone,

I think it depends on the level you are and the effect contact has on you. If it’s so upsetting that it’s causing you stress and holding you on the emotional rollercoaster then I would say to ask yourself if being not as quick to contact is the way to go.

In the early days of my ex h moving out as an MLCER it would have been great to have no contact but, as time and my MLC progressed I would have loved more contact other than about our daughter.

I told Shock to respond only when contacted and even then don’t do it immediately and don’t divulge anything he doesn’t need to know but be civil, courteous and be appreciative if he has done something which benefits you.

Be the calm and the stress free person because you can bet your life the person he’s with won’t be. Do all of that but do it without expectation. Do it for your own well being.

I think Marvin pretty much nailed it and Thunder is as always right on the money.

Shocks,
Are you talking about the LBS getting "back into the fight"?
That is my philosophy...... you get bombed, heal, get up, start fighting (smart fighting, not dumb fighting).
I know your (ex)H, dropped out earlier than he should have.... but you're saying that if he had backed off, let you alone for a bit and then come back a stronger, more confident and better man (And then engage you)..... he would have gotten your attention. That's what I'm getting from your words. Is this correct?

-SS (Standing Strong)
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Anon

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Reply #153 on: November 15, 2019, 11:00:04 AM »
Hi Shock - I wonder if you could clear up something my h does that is puzzling.  In short, he will not reveal anything that he is doing in his life as it relates to his ow.  He used to reveal that in the very early days and in fact he overshared everything back then.  Then 6 mo. or so after BD, he stopped cold turkey and now tells me nothing. 

It's not that I have to know or that it's my business but it bothers me.   Every single other person in his life,, friends, family, co-workers, and the cashier at the supermarket ,,, he doesn't attempt to hide anything or mislead either.   But,,, he won't tell me anything and in fact,, he will try to mislead me so I might actually think the opposite.   

For example,,, he recently purchased a property with his ow that I was unaware of until recently.   Less than a week after that, we met to discuss some financial things and he drops into the conversation that his relationship with ow is exhausting, and that he just wants to be a single man (wearing the Sadz face).   Sounded to me like things were maybe heading south in lala land when they were actually moving forward in a big way by buying this property together.  This is a big example, but I have dozens of other examples over the months where he does this same thing.   Reveals nothing but also actively misleads me. 

Of course when he tells absolutely everyone else what's going on I eventually find out and then I'm pissed.  I mean, why not tell me too?  It actually hurts me more to find out through any other means than by him.   Is he going to get engaged, married, move away, etc. and still not tell me but let me find out?   Is he trying to spare my feelings in some twisted way?

He flies off to visit ow every 2 - 3 weeks and stays for a week.   He also keeps that from me too even though I always know.  He promised to let me know when he was going out of town in case we got an offer on our house for sale.   2 weeks later he is gone again and when I ask him why he lied, he just said, because I didn't think you needed to know.  Yup,, we've got a house for sale and on-going decisions to make but,, he doesn't think I need to know (sigh...).   

This one thing he does, more than anything else, makes me want to shut him out completely and go NC.   And not because he does these things, but because he intentionally hides what he's doing and then actively misleads me.   

What do you make of this MLC behavior SS?  Can you relate ,,, did you do this too?   It's driving me crazy because I don't believe a thing he says,,, not a single thing. 


 

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