Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5  (Read 1430 times)

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« on: November 07, 2019, 06:11:38 AM »
Hi all,

Time for a new thread.

My last thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11038.150

An update on our life together.  I haven’t done that in a while, I think.

We are a very ‘boring’ couple.  Just 2 homebodies, appreciating simple(st) things in life.  Our daily highlights are sitting down to a home-cooked meal every night, enjoying a bottle of mediocre wine, and just simply being in each other’s company.  It’s so much fun!  Life is good and I am truly thankful.

Humour is back in full force. Do you know how good it is to genuinely laugh until you start to hiccup?   Laughter disappeared at BD, along with many other aspects that make for a ‘normal’ life.  We both also had lost the ability to sing.  I could not sing or play my beloved piano for at least a year after BD.  Probably longer.  Can’t remember.  H was song-less much longer.  And he had loved to sing... It is so good to hear him sing around the house, laugh raucously and once again have his beautiful ‘smile’ as his default setting.  Quiet joy radiates from him.  It’s H I used to know, pre-BD. 

It’s been nearly 5 years since BD and at last I am starting to see those first 3/4 years of H’s MLC as a blip in my life.  I’d thought I would never think of it as a ‘blip’ because it seemed like an eternity while all the crazy was happening.  I’m thankful that H’s MLC and my LBSCrisis did not get to define my whole married life or stain all those beautiful years together. It just took time to arrive at this perspective. 

H continues to be proactive in rebuilding R with our children, and they continue to respond to his efforts with grace.  They could be sour toward him for all the pain he inflicted on them, but they are not. I am truly thankful for their willingness to accept his outstretched hand.   It takes both sides to rebuild R. Commons sense, I guess. 

We hope to have a jolly Christmas.  Our D and SIL are going to be travelling the distance to be with us!  I shall make a fabulous Christmas dinner and will decorate the house in honour of Christ and to celebrate our togetherness. 

You all have a fabulous day!

Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online sachat3

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2019, 06:29:31 AM »
Attaching
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2019, 06:32:41 AM »
Quote from: Acorn
We are a very ‘boring’ couple.  Just 2 homebodies, appreciating simple(st) things in life.  Our daily highlights are sitting down to a home-cooked meal every night, enjoying a bottle of mediocre wine, and just simply being in each other’s company.  It’s so much fun!  Life is good and I am truly thankful

Isn't it funny how this represents the real hopes/dreams/wishes of I would guess the most of us? The lucky few will get to experience it with the person formerly known as Mid-Lifer, others with a new partner and still others with friends/kids/others.

Attaching...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Yo

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2019, 07:03:39 AM »
Attaching!
Yo ❤

Online Schratz66

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2019, 08:20:26 AM »
Attaching Acorn.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2019, 08:21:47 AM »
Attaching!  Boring sounds quite lovely 🙂
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2019, 11:15:28 AM »
Following along Acorn.
Y'alls life sounds amazing to me. I'll sure be happy if my boring life ever comes back.

Offline Milly

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2019, 11:33:15 AM »
Attaching, Acorn. Love your boring life!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2019, 12:33:37 PM »
Acorn, Following along.  You are living the dream.  Thank you for continuing to share. May you continue to be blessed with the simple pleasures. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline 3Boys4Me

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2019, 12:43:46 PM »
Now that is my idea of an exciting life! A friend posted a picture of her and her hubby playing cards by the fire a couple of nights ago, and gave me a bit of a cry - those are the small things I really miss, cards, cribbage, family game night - I miss other stuff too, but nothing more than those sweet quiet moments. Happy for you.
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2019, 01:59:51 PM »
It's funny Acorn. I was just thinking about how my H has no interest in being in my life right now. That it is so boring compared to the one he leads now with the constant parties/events/night life. Of course, I do believe the goal for most of us is to find that "Boring old couple" comfort. Because in that comfort is a certain perception of safety. And I know all too well that MLCers are the most UN-comfortable species on the planet.

Love that you share laughs and song over a mediocre bottle of wine. Sounds dreamy to me.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2019, 02:33:01 PM »
KIT - My H sounds a lot like yours. Enjoying no responsibilities and not wanting a ‘boring’ life with me/us.

It makes me jealous of you Acorn obviously. I remember your big R talk in January in Australia and things progressed so much from there. My H was around that time starting up with OW2 so our R talk took the opposite route.

I look forward to looking back on this time!

Hope all is well with your sister
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2019, 02:55:58 PM »
I'm so happy for you two, Acorn.

Your H is one very lucky man, but I expect he knows that.   ;D

{{Big Hug}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2019, 03:12:56 PM »
WOooHoooo!!!!

Super awesome, so happy for ya Acorn  ;D

Attaching

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2019, 04:35:11 PM »
That is wonderful Acorn!  Those are the best memories in life.  Simple time spent with family in peace and laughter!!!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #15 on: November 08, 2019, 12:37:24 AM »
Attaching
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #16 on: November 23, 2019, 09:35:53 AM »
Thank you, my friends, for your interest in my story.  You are all very welcome to my thread!

I moved the following post from another thread to mine as it really belongs on my thread! :)

It is about trusting my H again:

If I may share my sample of one, please.  That’s all one can do, right? 

It did not help me at all to speculate if I was going to be able to trust H if and when we reconnect/reconcile/rebuild.  It was the mother of all monkey braining, personally speaking, seeing that he was making no positive moves toward me or the kids.

I eventually took a pragmatic stance of ‘don’t sweat about a hypothetical situation which may or may not eventuate’.

It turned out that trust came naturally without any conscious decision to do so on my part.  Everyday interactions with H over a couple of years provided the consistent evidence, I guess.
« Last Edit: November 23, 2019, 09:39:54 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Notinlimbo

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #17 on: November 23, 2019, 10:52:44 PM »
Attaching acorn. Boring not at all  :) not
Me 60
H 59
D 27
BD March 15
OW ex from 34 years ago

Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #18 on: November 25, 2019, 07:32:24 AM »
Hi Acorn,

Following along!  I'm sitting here wondering how in the world I'm every going to trust h and then I ready your comment about how it comes naturally with consistent actions.  I'm not there yet, but I think you are right.  Actions speak so much louder than words anyway.

It sounds like things are going well for you guys!  Enjoy all the boring!!!!  :)
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #19 on: November 29, 2019, 04:32:20 AM »
NIL and Day, you are so very welcome to my thread!  :)

Good morning, everyone!

I felt the need to write down my thoughts and feelings after a long conversation with my daughter (in her mid 20s) about a sudden and unexpected death of a person at her work yesterday.  She witnessed it... Her work involves life and death situations on a daily basis but this incident was so unexpected that she was shaken to the core.

She shared her thoughts with me:

- It was a reminder for her that life is fragile
- Life is precious. 
- She can not waste a single day worrying about things she has no control over. 
- She cannot waste even one minute sweating over what she does not have.
- She consciously needs to focus on all the blessing she sees all around her. 
- She needs to differentiate between a storm in a teacup and things that truly matter.

These are the same lessons I absorbed during my LBS-hood.  Something I knew in theory (who doesn’t?!) but only made my own, more or less, during my H’s MLC.  My daughter is soaking in the lessons now.  I’m thankful for that early start...

I would love to encourage my fellow LBS travellers to open your eyes to all the blessings around you and focus on the aspects of your life that you can control and be proactive about. 

I encourage you to do everything humanly possible to decrease the mind space that your MLCer occupies as he did not pay any rent for that space...   

I encourage you to not waste your precious mind space on a ‘return’ fantasy.  Hope is good but think about it with brutal honesty if it really is hope or a wolf dressed as a lamb - a fantasy...  I could start to live as my genuine self when I let go of the fantasy, among other things.  Really, the end result of reconciliation should be irrelevant in your daily life and the way you choose to live.  It behooves us to gather up all our strength to face ‘hope’ and assess if it is really a ‘wolf’ (fantasy) that is sucking up our precious emotional energy. 

Fantasy is your number 1 enemy, not your spouse’s MLC or OP.  It will be painful (trust me on that...) when you see the truth but that pain is worth it.  Because, you will find your self and full life back. 

Do NOT wait for MLCer to get through the tunnel. That is the theme of the LBS fantasy.

A sample of one.

I hope you all have a great day.   
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #20 on: November 29, 2019, 05:36:08 AM »
I think that the short, paraphrased version of your post is

"Live like they are not coming back" isn't it?

Just your version is so much more eloquent and explains WHY....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #21 on: November 29, 2019, 05:59:28 AM »
Wise words, Acorn.
I recognise the fantasy (wolf) element but in my case it wasn't about reconciliation but about two other things. That there would come a day when my xh would give me some bit of an explanation and closure. And that there would be a time when he would stop behaving like an bizarre unpleasant alien. Giving up on those was necessary to let go of WIW (whatever it was) and whatever he had become. I simply chose to stop hoping for either one which meant I also stopped waiting or looking for either one. Not easy but necessary.

So not just 'live like they are not coming back' but also 'live like this is who they are now' perhaps?
« Last Edit: November 29, 2019, 06:00:33 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #22 on: November 29, 2019, 09:24:13 PM »
Hello Acorn, all caught up now.

My H also used to love to sing.  He mentioned not being able to sing anymore shortly after BD.  I have no idea now of course whether he is back to singing or not.  Just thought that was an interesting observation.  I remember telling him at BD that I had lost my joy.  Perhaps returning to singing is finding some of that joy again.
M-41
H-43
S-19
D-17
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Has several dating profiles on POF and another but no major signs of anything new.

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #23 on: November 30, 2019, 07:55:57 AM »
To me, it sounds more like living your life like your spouse is on an overseas deployment. If they aren't coming back, in the parallel universe that is the real world, a person normally divorces someone that isn't coming back.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #24 on: November 30, 2019, 10:46:54 AM »
To me, it sounds more like living your life like your spouse is on an overseas deployment. If they aren't coming back, in the parallel universe that is the real world, a person normally divorces someone that isn't coming back.
I used to think this would be true, but I have found an awful lot of people who did not divorce because of health insurance, property, children, etc. They live completely separate lives, but it was not cost effective to divorce ( my neighbor across the street has been doing this for 10 years). This seems to work if both parties agree to everything and don't have a need to remarry.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Nas

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #25 on: November 30, 2019, 11:01:51 AM »
To me, it sounds more like living your life like your spouse is on an overseas deployment. If they aren't coming back, in the parallel universe that is the real world, a person normally divorces someone that isn't coming back.
I used to think this would be true, but I have found an awful lot of people who did not divorce because of health insurance, property, children, etc. They live completely separate lives, but it was not cost effective to divorce ( my neighbor across the street has been doing this for 10 years). This seems to work if both parties agree to everything and don't have a need to remarry.

Given that I have cancer, I am sure that many people probably think that I am not divorced because I am still on his health insurance. Little do they know that he kicked me off his health insurance even before I was diagnosed and the reason we’re not divorced is because he disappeared. I also do know people who didn’t get divorced right away because of health insurance. I guess you just never really know what someone’s actual story is.

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #26 on: November 30, 2019, 07:05:05 PM »
Acorn's h never left so taking her story and unthinkingly applying the slogan live like they aren't coming back is illogical. Leave it as it is, a sample of one mlcer who never left.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2019, 07:06:15 PM by Not Your Monkey »

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #27 on: December 02, 2019, 07:29:52 AM »
Live like they are not coming back applies to all IMO.
Some go to the basement, upstairs spare room, the garage, the parents house up the street, some leave the country. 
But ALL leave the marriage and the role of the spouse.
To me, and yes just me. The phrase goes for all. Live as if thwy are not coming back to reality, the marriage, as a normal spouse, a normal person.

Have a wonderful week Acorn.

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #28 on: December 02, 2019, 07:56:13 AM »
If they want to leave the marriage, then they can get the divorce. Otherwise, they are our spouse. I have spent 3 years twisting myself into something I am not because that is what all the MLC advice tells us to do. I've had enough of it. I'm his wife and I am going to act as such from here on out. I can't force him to act like a husband, but I am not going to second guess what I am doing anymore. I am going to act as I naturally would if he were perfectly normal and let him face the consequences of not being normal. Like it or not, that's his problem. It doesn't mean not having my own life as well as I always did, but I do not need to drop being a wife just because he is having a crisis. It's not me.

I came to the conclusion that the advice we are given here is so unnatural that I started to worry more about whether I was following the advice correctly than I was about what my husband would think about what I did. So I realized, it's better to be the natural me and let my husband choose how to respond, reconnection, ignore me, divorce me, I personally don't care. At least however he reacts will be a reaction to the real me and not me play acting something I am not.

Online marvin4242

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #29 on: December 02, 2019, 09:29:45 AM »
NYM: that sounds like a very powerful and healthy position of self care. As long as you are also willing and able to have both of you face the consequences of that decision. And not that you are saying this, but also to realize it may make absolutely no difference in how he behaves and what he feels. And be prepared to act in your own self interest if that is the case, wherever that may lead you.

I am not sure I have ever seen good advice that includes twisting ourselves to "fit" their needs, its more about detaching, emotionally moving on, and living our own lives. But sometimes we just have to run out of all patience and reserves first, which is unfortunate.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2019, 05:32:07 AM »
Just catching up in this and thought I would add my 2 cents here.

I am one of many on here who’s spouse did not technically leave our marriage.  He did however leave the partnership we had shared for 30 years prior to BD. While I have technically remained his “wife” throughout this crisis, I have not remained his partner.

For the first 2 years of his crisis at tried to hold onto our old partnership.  I found myself twisting and turning and riding that roller coaster of emotions with him.  He used this to his advantage and I became his doormat where he would return time and time again to wipe his feet.

It wasn’t until I truly started to live as if he wasn’t coming back to our old marriage that I found peace and I began to find myself and my self dignity.  I took the advice of many on here and as hard as it was, it was changed everything in my life.

My old marriage is gone.  The wife and partner that I used to be is gone.  I’m not twisting myself anymore and I feel like by living like he wasn’t come back I found out who I am and what I am made of.

As much as I want my marriage to work, I have found that I don’t “need” it to work like I used to. We are slowly building a new partnership where we both get what we want out of it. I honestly believe that if I had stayed in my former “wife” role this would never be happening. 

My story, my 2 cents,  my experience. 

Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #31 on: December 03, 2019, 06:13:09 AM »
Well, I did the opposite. Let him get away with acting like we had no relationship and you know where that got us? No relationship! My H made a remark recently about how we hadn't had a relationship "in a long time" and that really was a wake up call. I realized I was partially to blame for that. No, not because I was the reason for his MLC, but because I have just shut up and let him be. And that isn't who I was before nor is it what I feel comfortable being. So I decided it is time to start acting like a wife. I know he may not respond like a husband, but for my own sanity, I need to be me, his wife. For me self-dignity means being myself. If I offer him dinner and he says no, so be it. But the old me would not have just assumed he didn't want to eat. I feel better because I made the offer than I would if I didn't.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #32 on: December 03, 2019, 08:14:58 AM »
 NYM, I don't think we are too much apart in reconnecting.  We both seem to be in the phase of give and take, how much and when.  Where living my own life came in handy was when my H was deep in replay and I was giving and giving and he was taking and not giving.  I've changed, my H has changed and we are building slowly something new.  As you know, rebuilding is slow and sometimes tricky.  All of our situations are very different.  That's the beauty of this site we take away advice that fits our situations and ignore those that don't.  I wish you well in your rebuilding, I know it isn't easy. 
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #33 on: December 03, 2019, 01:20:08 PM »
Thank you, UM, Treasur, FW (welcome back!), NYM, Offroad, Nas, Helping, Marvin and Roo, for your thoughtful posts.  I appreciate them very much! 


I’m not twisting myself anymore and I feel like by living like he wasn’t come back I found out who I am and what I am made of.



I know he may not respond like a husband, but for my own sanity, I need to be me, his wife. For me self-dignity means being myself.

Remarkable.  The bolded part is my experience, too.

It’s only when I stopped obsessing about what my MLCer was thinking, doing and planning, how he was going to react to this and that, how I could up my chances of reconciling, that I could regain authentic me.  Of course, that didn’t mean that I was saying and doing everything that came into my head.  One has to be judicious and refrain from shooting oneself in the foot by responding, not reacting. 

Advices given here are mostly common sense and helpful, I found.  One needs to adapt it to his/her own unique situation, of course.  Blindly following all of them long term as if they are some sacred text, regardless of individual differences, is unhelpful.  Discarding advice because of swollen ego can’t be helpful, either - ‘A fool knows everything.’

You all have a lovely evening!

« Last Edit: December 03, 2019, 02:01:42 PM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #34 on: December 04, 2019, 08:07:56 AM »
Discarding advice because of swollen ego can’t be helpful, either - ‘A fool knows everything.’

Indeed!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Seahorse

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #35 on: December 04, 2019, 05:56:29 PM »
Acorn -- attaching.

Your reconnection with your "old" H sounds so lovely - just to have him back with the laughter, singing and smiles.
it's what we all yearn for and your post makes me appreciate the simplicity of that love. 
I can live vicariously through you, and perhaps, one day my own reconnection -- if that's meant to be.
If not, that's okay too.  There is something great out there for me - and for all of us.

Happy Holidays!
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #36 on: December 05, 2019, 08:08:31 AM »
Thank you, my friends, KIT and Sea!

I woke up at 4am this morning.  Must be getting old...  Didn’t want to leave my warm cocoon and started thinking about life.  And below is one of the topics that floated by and I’d thought I would write it down as it is pertinent to my LBS journey. 

When I think, ‘wow, we are back to our normal of pre-BD,’ more normal-ness appears and blossoms, and that compels me to review and adjust my definition of ‘normal.’

What I can learn from this ever shifting ‘normal’ goal post is that my life after BD was so abnormal/crazy that I had forgotten what our marriage and family life used to be like.  It was boring, normal, contented, open, caring, happy and peaceful.   Yes, we have a good measure of it right now but not to the pre-BD level.  I am not complaining at all as H and I share the philosophy that what we have today is enough and we are deeply thankful for it. It truly helps to be thankful and not pine for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  There is no such thing, only steps forward and laying more bricks on the foundation we already have built.

Just wanted to share that.

You all have a wonderful day!

An afterthought:

‘It truly helps to be thankful and not pine for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  There is no such thing, only steps forward and laying more bricks on the foundation we already have built’ applies to everyone, regardless of their situation.  I guess that’s common sense and I believe I would be saying the same even if we were separated or divorced - it is just a matter of exchanging ‘we’ for ‘I’, as in ‘I already have built.’   

Time marches on.  Days go by.  It’s such a waste of time to sit still and stare at the pot of gold, whatever that maybe.  Wouldn’t you agree?   



« Last Edit: December 05, 2019, 08:42:21 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Seahorse

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #37 on: December 07, 2019, 06:25:37 PM »
Acorn - the thing that struck me most about your post what the phrase

..."what we have today is enough and we are deeply thankful for it."

It is so special that you have each other, and your family back to some semblance of normalcy.  More importantly, that you're both content with where you are at this time and place.  Traveling together along the brick road, building the road, building each other, building the relationship. 

It was a very peaceful post, and the kind of relationship that I hope to have one day.

Hugs,
Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting and Rebuilding 5
« Reply #38 on: Today at 08:12:42 AM »
Happy Thursday, everyone!

A few minutes to spare while my Christmas cookies are baking.  They smell heavenly!

This post is inspired by KIT’s new thread title.  Thanks, KIT!

‘Trust the process’

Does the ‘process’ for MLCer and LBS happen on its own and all one needs to do is ‘trust’ it?  It can’t be that easy.  What’s the catch?   

I have read ‘trust the process’ many times on HS.  I always felt that there should be a condition attached to that expression.  After all, one can’t trust the process if there is no work being done for the process to ignite and progress. 

The following is my opinion only.  :)

LBSCrisis runs parallel to MLCrisis.  Just as MLCer needs to work on himself to progress in his crisis, so does LBS.  No work, no progress.  The longer the ‘no work’ status goes on, the more stuck in the crisis hole MLCer/LBS will be and, therefore, risk making the state of crisis their permanent address.

Excuse my cookie obsession in the following paragraph. I’ve been baking up a storm for Christmas for the last couple of days!

One can not expect homemade cookies to magically pop out the oven without purchasing all the ingredients, turning the oven on, mixing the dough, shaping each cookie, putting them on a tray and placing it in the oven, setting the timer, paying attention to the timer, and taking the cookies out in time.  Phew, it’s all work, and more work!, before you can announce that you trust the baking process.

Simply put; no work, no baking process, no cookies.

The baking analogy applied to MLCrisis and LBSCrisis - no work, no process to trust, no growth.  Trust is earned, be it a person or a process.  Earning it involves consistent work over a long period of time.

We read on HS that some MLCers (perhaps some LBSs too?) appear to be in the same spot months after months, if not year after year.  In other words, no progression in their process.  It begs the question:

What compels MLCer or LBS to get the ball rolling in their respective process?  What is the magic pill? 

After having pondered about this for quite some time, in my humble opinion, the starting point (the first magic pill, if you like) is when MLCer/LBS quits blaming others and becomes acutely cognizant of personal responsibility for his/her own thoughts, feelings, words and deeds.  Without owning them, you have no power to change them.  And then comes a lot of hard work (another magic pill, a much larger one to swallow everyday for years to come) to show, by the way you tackle every day life, the true ownership of your own thoughts, feelings, etc. and go about resolving them, if necessary.

OK, back to my Christmas baking!  Gotta take those cute little gingerbread men out the oven.

You all have a wonderful day!
« Last Edit: Today at 08:14:00 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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