Author Topic: My Story Loosing my Gem - my wife  (Read 1103 times)

Offline I will be me - one day - no longer a GemTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Loosing my Gem - my wife
« on: November 08, 2019, 04:06:13 PM »
Hello all,

New to this, So I may just ramble all over the place because I am a complete mess to the point that I finally mentioned to my close friends, mother and therapist that I've bee dealing with a lot of pain from what happened and I have no control over it and I've been wanting to commit suicide for the past week.
Obviously it hasn't happened yet as my mother now has control of my meds but there are other ways.

My story goes that I met J back in 2011 with zero inclination of starting anything with her. But in time I grew to love her heart and wants and we had the same goals = Dated a few years and got married on August 13th,2016 = Nice simple wedding- She looked stunning. Fast forward to 2019 - found out she was having a affair with a coworker and this has absolutely killed my faith in vows and people - :'( :'( :'( :'(

I am at a complete los ad writing this is giving me high anxiety and dark thoughts. So for now, before it gets worse - I need to sign off and recompose myself - Who would ever thought a man could be this weak - til I spoke to my boss and he informed me that his son went through the same a committed suicide - He has 3 kids

More to come at a later date

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Loosing my Gem - my wife
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2019, 04:26:39 PM »
One moment at a time.  Make it through the next 10 minutes, then an hour, then a day.  Breath.  Everyone on this site understands the pain.

I am here to tell you, it takes time, it takes effort, but you can make it through this and good can come out of this. 

What calms you?  Do little things to self care.  For me nature feeds my soul.  I walked the beach every day after my bd.  You will find strength in time.  Slowly, inch by inch you can heal.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Loosing my Gem - my wife
« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2019, 04:35:29 PM »
Oh my gosh, Loosing.  I am so very sorry you are going through this, but please know you are not alone.
We are here for you.

Please come back and talk to us.

I understand how devastating this is right now, but you can get through this.
I promise you, you will not always feel this way.

{{Big Hug}}
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 04:36:47 PM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Duthla

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Re: Loosing my Gem - my wife
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2019, 04:51:26 PM »
Welcome to the Forum. Nobody wanted to find themselves here, yet we gather and find solice in the support and validation we receive here.
Can we get Ursa Major, Dontgiveup, Readytofixmyselffirst, Alias71 and Old Pilot to swing around to this thread please? Rumor has it you fellas are awesome.
Hang in there Loosing....we got you and this is a brave step in self care.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 04:53:45 PM by Duthla »

Offline stayed

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Re: Loosing my Gem - my wife
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2019, 07:08:41 PM »
hello loosing my gem.... we hear you.... please know we hear you!  We have ALL BEEN WHERE YOU ARE.... we all considered suicide.  Most of us, simply didn't have that option or at least felt we didn't.   Quite honestly, none of us have that right... we were blessed with life and for those that didn't have ANY CHOICE to leave it, we owe it to them, to cherish what they were not blessed to have.  That being said, I'm not going to dwell on that part of this crap, I'm going to focus on you. 

Thunder is right... you can and will get through this.  We did... and so shall you.

Keep posting Loosing my gem.... writing helps work through the pain, the grief... the horror of it all. 

We're here for you.... hugs Stayed
Married 42yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

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Offline Wilderheart

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Re: Loosing my Gem - my wife
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2019, 01:28:10 AM »
Hi loosing, we all know that hurt, the heartbreaking ache inside, the feeling that there's nothing you can do, wanting to die just to end the pain, unable to sleep or eat or think clearly, there is no other pain like it on earth, believe me I goggled suicide methods, looked into toxicology methods, got sectioned for my own safety in the first couple of weeks, completely spiralled out of control and just thought I can't do this, the world is still turning people are going about their everyday business and I've just stopped stuck in limbo, can't stop shaking, can't stop talking about her, it's agony, and silence of the nights the loneliness that's the worst.

Then I arrived here, the hurt didn't end but the support and understanding in here has helped me through the darkest days I'm 8 months in since the love of my life walked out or we even last spoke and yes it still hurts unbearably but the sympathy and advice given here from people who understand and have experienced what we are going through has been invaluable to me.

Try to eat, toast and scrambled eggs was all I could manage for the first two months,lost around 56lbs in the first few weeks, breath, and sleep where and whenever you can, and please post in here, it took me six months of reading posts before I struck up the courage to journal my first post and immediately I felt as if I was wrapped in a warm blanket and given a massive hug, I cried a lot when the good people in here responded and understood and even helped to explain what seemed like utter madness and the chaos of our situations.

Please take good care the thoughts of suicide will come as they did to me but please let them just be thoughts, believe me I thought about it a lot, I was placed under a crisis team for awhile. She may come back but she can't if your dead.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 01:40:38 AM by Wilderheart »

Online Treasur

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Re: Loosing my Gem - my wife
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2019, 01:52:13 AM »
Like others, I was actively thinking about suicide for well over a year.
Here is what I learned from the experience.

Suicidal thinking is not the same as suicidal can learn to live with the thoughts and not act.
Your job now is simply to outlast the thoughts. And you can do it by the hour or day or week by just postponing the decision to act. Sometimes I did it in one hour chunks tbh...but that was enough.
It is brave to be honest about how you feel and think right now. It is not weak; it is brave. No one here will judge you or think any less of you bc many of us have been right where you are.

Looking back, my wish to die was driven by two things. But at different times.
One was feeling I simply could carry anymore pain or see when it would stop.
The other was feeling that I didn't matter and my existence didn't matter.
Both were not brain lied to me.

Understanding why you feel how you feel can help you outlast it. If it is about the pain, do things that reduce your exposure to more pain like limiting contact with your w. And do things that are small and kind to yourself...little things..,a walk, a hot bath, eat something that tastes good, sleep if you can. If it is about feeling that nothing matters, including you, do things that remind you that you might matter....spend time with people who care about you, reconnect with any faith you have, do small tangible things that feel productive or useful to others.

But above all, loosing, see your job as outlasting this time. Outwit it by outlasting it. This time will pass, I promise you that it will. I didn't believe it and a stranger gave me the same advice as I am giving you. She was right and I was wrong, so I pass her gift to me on to you.

Keep posting. Tell us a bit more about you and the current challenges in your situation. We're here.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 01:57:36 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Loosing my Gem - my wife
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2019, 02:45:21 AM »
Loosing a Gem, you have already received some very good advice and I know from experience trying to see a way forward through this mess seems impossible as your feelings of loss and grief are overwhelming and you feel so raw and vulnerable. I was in your position eight years ago and felt so completely devastated I had the same thoughts you do.

Right now you need a lot of support so lean on your friends and family and the wonderful bunch of MLC survivors on this site. Don’t isolate yourself and dwell on your dark thoughts you now have us in your corner as well as your family and friends.

Try anything to distract your thoughts in a different direction for now even if you don’t think it will help it will give you a break in your anxiety. Start practising self-love and make sure you eat to keep up your energy and sleep, I know at this raw stage sleep disturbance is common as your mind is racing but get what you can.

Above all don’t give up and let the dark thoughts win your worth more than that, you know you are. It’s ok to be a man and be vulnerable and cry, emotional pain is genderless, use these tears to release your pain and reduce your anxiety.

When you have had time to process all the advice you’ve received please come back to us for more. You will be ok again in time.

Kind regards

Online terra

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Re: Loosing my Gem - my wife
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2019, 03:09:10 AM »
Loosing, I’m a few years into this and the thoughts of ending it all have been many.

Understand that these are the result of overwhelm and fright and the sense that “no one” could possibly co-feel or comprehend your pain and sorrow and raw new/old life concerns. But you are here now and you’ll find that most if not all of us do, and will.

Also understand that regardless of faith foundations, there is spiritually an enemy at work striving to take you all the way down and keep you there, to snuff out your every hope. And that this really is a time of concerted spiritual warfare.

You are not meant or made to succumb to that.

We believe in you and want what is good for your life and family, want what is best of all for your restored and continuing happiness. Please use this place as one of your centering and grounding places; tell your story without worry or fear. Be vulnerable and as raw as you feel. Every part of your story has worth to others reading, and anyone here may have a truth or observation or perception that’s of help to you also.

Recognize your own baseline “normal”, because loss may have thrown you far outside your usual ways of seeing and being and feeling. Suicide and self harm, I think, are usually introduced somehow by outside conditions that result in our feeling disconnected, isolated, “wrong”, helpless, and alone. It’s not native thinking we are born with. So strive for clarity in who you really are at core, who you’ve always been and the way you like to be in the world, even before ever knowing your w.

Stay on with us and just know that regardless of any anonymity, when you are feeling at the end of your rope or wits or ability to deal, some of us are on the other side of your screen, out here fervently praying you through any current dark.

Keep breathing, and I’m glad you’ve started communicating here. Will look forward to your further story, responses, and updates.

Offline I will be me - one day - no longer a GemTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Loosing my Gem - my wife
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2019, 11:58:46 AM »
Hey all

I'm back and the huge thread I put up... didnt save
I thank you all for your comments and suggestions..
It's been a tough one today ..
Thoughts are still there .
The closure may never be there from her.... maybe time away is require further to realize things but will I want her back? Today yes.. later on... who knows ...
I try to eat but barely.. I've lost 47 lbs and can barely eat food right now but i force what I can ..
I need these thoughts to go away before tuesday or they will admit me and I do not want that one bit .
I cannot stop thinking of her - talking about her - wanting her and all that...its not like our marriage was bad.. she meant a guy at work who she's claimed that it may not work and /or sees a future with
She seems confused.
Stopped talking to many of her friends ..lost a few... her folks are completely pissed and have banned him from.the house.
Then there's my 10 yr old step-daughter who is very smart and knows he has come in between and broke our family ..
A beautiful family with a promising future.

I need to stop now cause again - too overwhelming for me to write a lot at once


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