Author Topic: My Story Grace  (Read 840 times)

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Grace
« on: November 10, 2019, 12:25:29 PM »
Currently preparing the house and my life for the arrival of Grace.
Both the cat version and the life version.

As I do so, I find myself feeling normal-ish and it is a strange feeling.
I truly was lost in the wilderness for quite a long time. Barely functional as a grown up human for about two years I reckon and then a very slow climb out starting about a year ago.  Nothing made sense. Nothing mattered much. My only consistent emotion was big Fear or little fear really; all the rest were turned off most of the time. In a funny way I am quite grateful that most of 2016/17 is a bit of a blur  :)....but then to be fair I wasn't doing much worth storing in my memories!

So normal-ish means the strange reappearance of a lot of old good feelings and thoughts...but they do feel slightly strange. Welcome but strange. Humour, anticipation, excitement, enthusiasm, planning.

I hope Grace the cat likes me. I am looking forward to getting to know her. It honestly feels like a huge step to be opening up to the idea of loving again bc tbh I stopped doing that too most of the time other than intellectually. Sounds silly doesn't it? But it is the truth. There was no Me there to love anyone or anything really, just this massive protective wall of nothingness.

I am truly grateful to have survived those long wilderness years. I didn't think I would and often stopped caring if I did. I understand very little about some of the bewildering insanity of what happened around me even now tbh. It is temptingly neat sometimes to see my former h and m as a terrible 20 year mistake. But being too absolute doesn't feel quite truthful; until I knew it was the bizarre s$itstorm it turned into, I was happy and felt secure that I was loved and respected. Until I wasn't. WIW, no one can persuade me that it is normal for someone to love you for years and then just refuse to talk to you for months and apparently hate you so much they want you to die  :) So WIW was hell and surreal....but the good news is that it is over now and that something so peculiar is not the normal way of life for anyone including the future me.  :) The only real residue I notice now is that echo of disbelief occasionally and a small nervous allergy to the potential for even small lies, but I still believe the world is full of sane good folks as I always did. I just happened to inadvertently marry one of the bad broken folks lol.

There is also a residue of quiet love and compassion for the person i used to share my life with, but I no longer miss him and I no longer love him as I did. He became something not loveable, or not for me, and there is no longer even a small empty place at my table for him. I am grateful for the joy I had but would not invest even a minute in who he has become. Which presumably leaves him happy bc he wanted to vanish out of sight and leaves me happy bc I value peace and sanity  :) People say here that you know when you are truly done in your bones...and i am done...I have stopped caring if he exists or not, is sane or happy or not. He is just some stranger's strange husband now. Funny feeling but another bit of Grace it seems to me.

I will come back in a little while and bore you all with titbits about Grace the Cat  :)


Old thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11113.0;all
« Last Edit: November 10, 2019, 12:35:05 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline seahorse

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Re: Grace
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2019, 12:32:19 PM »
Treasur -
Welcome to your new thread...
Many wonderful things will be posted here, I'm sure.

So happy that you're at peace, and so excited to "meet" Grace the cat.

Hugs,
Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Grace
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2019, 12:38:30 PM »
Hopefully Grace isn't a little monster!!!!  :) ;) :)

I'm sure you will have a wonderful time, and the cat is going to a wonderful home  8)

Sticking with ya T,

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Grace
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2019, 01:30:42 PM »
What an appropriate name!  I can totally see how after years of trauma feeling normal would be somewhat odd at first.

Welcome to your new thread!  Following along!!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Grace
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2019, 01:39:32 PM »
I hope someday I feel internally peaceful as you describe . It does sound like something deserved now after all of the chaos and hurt . Enjoy all kinds of "Grace".
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Anon

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Re: Grace
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2019, 01:41:57 PM »
What a beautiful opening to your new thread, Treasur.   You sound so normal and so well adjusted and you so deserve that and the life you have made for yourself.   I hope I am there myself one day.  Where it doesn't matter to me if he is happy or not happy, or sane or insane, etc.  I cannot wait to get to that point in my own life. 

Your cat - how wonderful!!  Is it a kitten or a grown cat?  What color and when is she coming home with you or is she with you already? 

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Grace
« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2019, 02:06:55 PM »
Treasur,

How apropos that Grace is bringing the love back into your life. I have a saying...”take the joy” I can’t wait to hear about all the new opportunities you find to take the joy in your life.
I often find that when I have healed from a particularly stubborn wound....there was quite a bit of joy that wound had masked and made impossible to see at the time.
May Grace fill your heart and help you find more joy.
😊❤️
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Thunder

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Re: Grace
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2019, 03:18:39 PM »
Following along, Treasur.

Can't wait to hear more about Grace.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Jackolar12

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Re: Grace
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2019, 03:46:53 PM »
Hi Treasur, it took me around 18 months and therapy to even start to function with some purpose, during that time I self medicated to knock my self out and be able to cope. I couldn’t make sense of it all and still cannot in many respects.

From bomb drop to this very day I wake from my sleep with images of the past that prevent a good nights rest. Every day I have to distract myself to stop these thoughts of unfairness and injustice interfering with daily life. The bomb drop was november 7 2011 and I have recently had my 8th unhappy anniversary.

I know what you mean about fears and hiding your heart behind a glass wall to protect yourself from further hurt. It’s often a barren lonely place but it’s the only way I feel safe.

In the early years and for a considerable time after I began to loathe my Mlcer for the needles pain she inflicted on me, my children, family and friends. Now after having conversations with Shock Sis my heart is undergoing a change towards compassion for my Mlcer.

I hope she recovers like SS and moves forward in life and I’ve started reminiscing about the good times together. It’s a strange feeling without her presence. Perhaps I should get a pet to look after and companionship, their love is unconditional, the kind of love I have always wanted. I hope Grace eases your pain Treasur few people understand us Lbs but I’m sure Grace will animals are very knowing creatures.

I realise I still love my ex wife for the woman she was and it keeps me stuck in limbo behind the glass wall which is getting thicker as the years go by. The woman she became was unrecognisable to me and I haven’t seen her since so I couldn’t tell you what she’s like now. For now Treasur we have peace at least and room to move on if we so wish and when we are ready
Kind regards
Jack

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Grace
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2019, 07:58:21 PM »
Following along.
Can’t wait to hear about Grace!  ::)
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

 

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