Author Topic: My Story Grace  (Read 1934 times)

Offline Seahorse

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My Story Re: Grace
« Reply #30 on: November 16, 2019, 04:06:35 PM »
Treasur -
Your introspection on love - what it is, how we feel, attachment versus self-giving love was very thorough, and I have to say you lost me a bit a few times.
Needless to say, sounds like it was a good mental exercise for you.
The cinema sounds lovely - and I've never seen High Society and cried at the clip you attached.
Oh how I want my H back and honest, God-blessed "True Love".

Awaiting stories of Grace's arrival tomorrow.  Can't wait!

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Grace
« Reply #31 on: November 17, 2019, 02:11:12 AM »
The cinema website is fabulous.  What a lovely thing to be able to belong to. 
Has Grace arrived?  Keep the door shut safe for a few days. X

Online Milly

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Re: Grace
« Reply #32 on: November 17, 2019, 02:42:35 AM »
Happy Grace day, Treasur!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Grace
« Reply #33 on: November 17, 2019, 04:16:37 AM »
We’ve been with you every little tiny bit and I remember one time you getting quite a harsh few comments on here and even then you had grace.

When I said harsh I’m not sure if it’s the right word, maybe ‘harsh with love’ or ‘lovingly harsh’? Or probably ‘kindly holding up a mirror’. Anyway didn’t want anyone mis-interpretating what I meant so either that has helped or completely hindered! Xx
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)

Offline Limboland2018

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Re: Grace
« Reply #34 on: November 17, 2019, 06:16:41 AM »
Oh I am so excited for you. Animals are the most wondrous, healing and loving creatures. Am so very happy for your new addition.

Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Seahorse

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Re: Grace
« Reply #35 on: November 17, 2019, 07:16:55 AM »
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Grace
« Reply #36 on: November 17, 2019, 03:02:25 PM »
Hope you are getting on well with Grace. Was just checking in and found your post highly relevant to some of the thoughts I had over my weekend away.

''I only mattered as an object of attachment.''

I have had a few similar discussions with another LBS along these lines. Granted in relation to the thought that perhaps Beast was more along the lines of NPD as I suspected in the beginning, but...irrelevant.

Love vs Attachment. Our real vs their real. Our ability and capacity for true love and loyalty...and their need for an attachment to feel whole.

I am to tired to update my thread now, but I took a few notes because it tied in nicely with some of my thoughts. I will try and collect them all tomorrow when I have more time.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Anon

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Re: Grace
« Reply #37 on: November 17, 2019, 05:36:26 PM »
I can't wait to hear about Grace!  I don't know what I would do without a cuddly creature in my life  :).   I had 2 but now only have one and lucky for me he's very cuddly.  My other cat disappeared while I was in Tuscany,,, it's been more than 2 months now since I've seen her.  :'(    Haven't given up hope yet.   In the meantime, I want to enjoy your new kitten vicariously.  :D

Offline TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Grace
« Reply #38 on: November 18, 2019, 02:35:20 AM »
The Grace Report
Ok, so Grace is in the building lol. And I will post a photo when I figure out how to do that. She has done all the sensible things...eaten, groomed, used her litter tray, purred (like a train), had a bit of a sniff explore and had some cuddles by her request  ;) I have started her off in her own ensuite quarters in the kitchen/diner, left the radio on last night but left her to sleep alone so it is all bit by bit. This morning she has explored the sitting room a bit and had her first encounter with stairs lol. She has already found a little inconvenient nook in the kitchen, likes climbing and is already very fond of jumping up on the kitchen work surfaces and head butting me. It is funny to go back to 'cat ways' in terms of putting stuff away lol....or to have a bath while a curious kitten trots in and out of the bathroom. Strangely she seems to have decided that the old now grey daybed is her favourite spot to curl all our old cats did...there is obviously something about the high ends of the firm horsehair base which works for felines  ;) She is yet to meet things like vacuum cleaners or the woodburner, but has an unerring gift for popping out having found some hidden cobwebs and wearing them on her head  ;)

What is she like? Small, dark grey with amber eyes. Quite chatty and very good at miaowing instructions to say what she wants. In character? She is quite clever, likes attention and company as her first humans said, cautious but not nervous, quite bold actually for a little one bc she is only six months old....i susoect she will be the boss of the house quite soon. Not bitey or scratchy at all....if she doesn't want something, she miaows (loud miaow for a small cat!), shrugs and saunters off...ha ha, a secure attachment kitten. And likes being tucked close under my chin and held close on request. Plus classical music apparently!

How do I feel? It is nice but slightly strange having someone else to think about. And to show affection to as well. Long time since I had kittens too. I am already chatting to her as I go about my day and have changed my routine slightly to fit round her  ::) ha ha, maybe getting used to sharing my space with a cat again is a step towards even being able to envisage sharing any of my life space with another human   ::)....but I am glad I chose Grace and watching her decide if she chooses me  ;)

Picking her up was a funny experience bc the drive took me past the village where we used to live, places we used to go to, a road I used to drive on coming home after working away, past a train station where I would sometimes drop my then h off in the early mornings. Lots of memories. The good thing is that it was not gutwrenching and there were no big sobs. But I did have a few moments of sadness and disbelief, those moments when you just briefly close your eyes and feel a bit sad at the loss and that someone else could apparently discard these things so easily when they still resonate with you so much. Not sure I will ever get that tbh but it is grief of loss plus the devaluing discard that gives us Grief+ I think.

I really liked that feeling of driving home usually very late at night, tired, but knowing that my then h's face was at the end of it. The feeling of coming home which means different things to us but means so much when we have it. Like going home to my parents house. As an expat kid who moved around a lot, I think home for me was always where the faces of my loved ones were. And that this is gone and I will never drive up to a front door late at night and see my then h grin with delight to see me as he opens the door. But I did have it and it was lovely so I am grateful for it. And I haven't felt that sense of home for a few years, so perhaps coming back to Grace will be a start of feeling a sense of home? Idk. But worth hoping for.

Had a long chat yesterday with another LBS who wondered out loud if my love vs attachment thoughts were a bit too nihilistic or a bit too absolute. Which may be true and was not my intention at all. I am just finding as the real Me has come back online, it is reassuring to have my rational forensic brain back and to be able to see my own emotional wood for the trees. I don't think that love and attachment are completely separate, just rooted differently and meet a different goal. I don't think I could have felt loved and appreciated as I did if my then h had not loved and appreciated me; that's true. So I'm not saying that my h never loved me at all. And of course I am saying nothing about your h or w  :)

But I can bridge the unbridgeable if I see my h's love as being rooted in his attachment needs rather than rooted in his appreciation of me as a unique person. Bc when the attachment needs change or are transferred, there is no love left. The kind of love that allows many LBS to accept that our spouses are as useless as a chocolate fireguard in meeting our emotional needs, even quite basic ones, and to feel deeply hurt and angry about that...and also to be able to retain some compassion, empathy and (limited) care for their wellbeing. It is the lie behind ILYBINLILWY actually....if there were a residue of love beyond the roots of attachment, my former h would have felt some need to treat me with some respect and compassion in the manner of his leaving. That wasn't what happened so it seems rational to me - on the quacks like a duck principle - that this was because he felt none, not even the ILYBINILWY kind. That any love he felt before was more about his attachment needs and me as an object that made him feel safe/affirmed/happy...bc once that changed, there was nothing left in him towards me. And that isn't what real love looks like imho. And it explains why it is so easy for these folks to apparently easily shrug off or replace all those loving memories that tugged at me yesterday. And some of why it is so hard for us, although to be fair some of our grieving is also about our attachment to what they represent to us isn't it?

Now I could be wrong....but it does bridge the unbridgeable of A vs B for me bc A and B were SO different to experience. If I am? Well, I suppose whatever residue of love is left will haunt and tug at my xh in time as it did for me yesterday. With the added punch that he threw it away as worthless. No idea how anyone deals with that or what those feelings are like. It obviously left some pain and regret and unfinished business for ShockSis based on what she said about talking with her Xh.

And as my xh's attachment needs were all about him and nothing to do with who I am really, he carries them with him. Which means he is unlikely to really be able to love anyone well tbh, just good attachment tools. Everyone is potentially a disposable object....which seems like a horrible way to live as people are irreplaceable unique to me, always have been.

But it comforts me to feel some kind of 'makes sense' feeling again. Helps me to accept the loss of the love I experienced and valued too while accepting that in my case it is irrecoverable and truthfully probably was after about a year or so. That was my biggest area of denial I think, looking back. I kept believing that something could be restored long after the point when my then h had burned it all to the ground. Just wasn't ready to swallow that pill even if I rarely acted on it....until I was and until it served me better to accept than deny.

I guess that if, unlike me, anyone here is considering reconnection, it makes sense to me too that if there is no evidence of Me and Others balance in the recovering spouse, if it is still all Me Me? They may be more driven by attachment needs changing back towards you/family/their old self rather than something that one might call love. But it is still all about them so they are probably still a human chocolate fireguard lol. No matter what they say. People who love you, even a little, can see that your needs are as valid as their own and show some concern about your wellbeing as a separate person. There is a basic truth in me vs others mindset I think. And why LBS need to work to GAL in a way that gets some of our basic attachment needs met in other ways. Jmo.

But why it is so nice to share my excitement about Grace with you and hear your pleasure about it  ;)
« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 03:35:44 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Grace
« Reply #39 on: November 18, 2019, 03:59:37 AM »
Miau miau miau!

Welcome to "Graceland!"

Pun intended....

All seriousness aside though, your musings on love vs. attachment make a WHOLE lot of sense, particularly in respect to being a "disposable person." In German it is called a "Gebrauchsgegentstand" or something that is useful for a purpose and when the purpose is accomplished, the item no longer functions as good as it did for said purpose and there is something bright and shiny new on the market or that requires less effort, the old item is simply discarded and the person gets a new whateveritis.

Looking at it is these terms, sometimes then the pattern is much easier to see as it was in my case... And that allows us to build the connection between the apple and the carburetor (after all, apples, pears, and bananas are all fruit  ;) ).
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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