[Ready2Transform]

My BD2 (confirmation of OW after 3 months of separation and many months, possibly years, of denial and secrecy) was on Thanksgiving weekend, 2011. Awful Thanksgiving with the in-laws after they acted like they were doing me a favor by letting me eat with them. Three days later I had tangible proof he was cheating, and we had the blow up of all blow ups over the phone while he drove back from OW's that Sunday.

Impossible that first year to have any normal holidays. This is why I post here now, preparing happily for my tenth season post-MLC. I can tell you what was great for me that first year was to not be obsessed with traditions. Let your feelings come and observe them - there's really no way not to early on. But you don't have to be "normal". It's NOT normal! So if you feel guilty because you don't want to do the typical meal, what would make you feel better? There's no crime in pizza-and-movies-in-pj's day. Or reading books, listening to music and dancing around your house, gaming, playing with the kids and/or pets with no time limits, expectations, or rules attached. My dad and I would have totally different than usual meals, so I was still cooking (which I loved to do every holiday), but not being reminded of xH's favorite things I'd make every year. We had enchilada Christmas, beans and cornbread Easter, fry bread tacos for Thanksgiving. And it was FUN. We made new memories. Even if I'd had kids, I would have done it this way, I think. It helped break a cycle and make things mine, not "ours", so there wasn't as much loss or lack to feel. Helping people, volunteering where you can (COVID might make this harder this year, but there's still some options), all fill up the time in a positive way so you're not dwelling. I spent time with neighbors too and reached out to make sure older folks were okay. Anything for oxytocin.

Don't let MLC take your opportunities for joy any more than it already has. Do whatever you can to experience activities you enjoy. It helps the healing.

[Dragonfly33]

I remember my first Christmas last year, I was dreading it. I moved out in Nov last year after I found out about that my H was honeymooning with the OW during our vacation. I used to cook for his whole family every Christmas . Last year was my first time alone. My sister invited me but I didn’t feel like talking to other people. I was so embarrassed that my marriage failed. I bought myself a bottle of champagne and a red wine and I drank the whole two bottles while watching stupid movies. I thought I could drown my sadness. It was a sad experience. But this year I’ll be spending it with friends. I have something to look forward to now.

[Treasur]

I feel so sorry for that version of me that tried to 'do' Christmas post BD when frankly I had no idea what was going on   ...both the first after a BD I didn't know was a BD when I tiptoed round this strange person in our house trying to be supportive and not add any 'pressure' while he was alternately silent or vibrating with anxiety. My then h had a full blown panic attack on Christmas Eve apparently about what to write in a card to me  And then went 'missing' on Christmas Day afternoon apparently having gone for a 'long walk' to centre himself...for hours....without his phone...returning literally a few minutes before I was about to call the police bc of course I thought I was dealing with a suicidal depressed h under psychiatric care....but i suspect with hindsight in addition to that I was (also) dealing with a h who had snuck off to spend a few hours with ow on Christmas Day    I was like a Girl Guide of cheerful understanding and support....while frightened to death underneath. I admire the bravery even if I shake my head now at the foolishness  And the second when I was ill and alone and tbh just grief stricken. Gosh, I was suffering then, that second one....just found out I had cancer, not eating or sleeping, my mother spat at me and told me I was the devil when I went to see her on Christmas Eve...meanwhile on the other side of the planet unbeknownst to me (I found out later) my then h was busy filing for divorce and proposing to ow on Christmas Day before heading off for a jolly Christmas lunch with his 'new improved' to be in-laws....and the third? Watchgate and weird drama pop ups and 2am mr sadz emails from my then (still) h just after Christmas 2017....lots of WTF there 

Actually if anything it seems even more WTF now, looking back 
It just doesn't rip my heart out as it did or leave me flailing in disbelief. But it was a long run of Weird  ....bc it WAS weird and relentless WTF.

Both the first Christmases were staggeringly hideous 
Looking back, I am amazed that I survived both actually.
And it was simply beyond me to connect to anything that Christmas is usually about, either the deep bits or the superficial bits. Or even food iirc bc I couldn't eat much more than yoghurt or porridge at the time. There is simply nothing normal about a normal Christmas in the middle of this kind of WTF and instability and uncertainty.
But that's ok.
And it evolved with time, baby steps. A low key lunch with my uncle in 2017. A rare glimmer of my mother in 2018. A few cards sent and a church service and a cat to give a bit of turkey to in 2019. Now a covid one when not just my world is weird...small gifts, cards, hunkering down, maybe I'll do an allotment dig for Christmas lol. And a long Christmas walk with my walking chum. Baby steps .

If any of you are in that awful place, it sucks but it is ok to not fake it. And trust that this time too will pass, that it will not always be how it is right now.

[Dragonfly33]

Treasur I cannot imagine what you went through. I thought mine was so bad but what you had to go through was dreadful. You are such an amazing person to have never lost hope in life. And after what you experienced, you never have bitterness in you from the way you speak to us who are newbies here. You are full of wisdom and kindness and I always consider your words as a guiding star in this journey. Bless you.

[Treasur]

Ah, thank you, dear Dragon.
Combo of a relentlessly optimistic loving father who always believed I was the bees knees and a loving mother who valued kindness as a great virtue.....and my own inherent 'Babe-ishness'....which is a great Christmas movie btw and may be the one that Gracie and me go for on Christmas Day 

I've surely had my moments of being rather further from the better angels of my nature lol....but I am grateful that they have rarely been more than moments. 

[xyzcf]

Try to find the beauty amidst the heartbreak.

Eventually ( and I can't recall how many years it took) I created my own traditions/ decorations.

Look around and smile. It's harder this year because COVID will stop us from going out and attending concerts or getting together with our friends and family...so that is going to cause this to be much harder.

Even if you don't feel like decorating or gift buying, it's important to try..to try and separate MLC from life ( and that is true I guess for the whole year).

Buy a couple of poinsettia's. I just bought 2 from Walmart for $10.00. They flower for a long time and take minimal care.

Make one of your favorite baking recipes....I make things from my childhood...date squares remind me of my mom.

Light some candles, listen to some Christmas music, donate to a food bank or buy a toy for a needy child.

Before sending out Christmas cards, I wrote to his relatives in October, explaining briefly what had happened and asking that they don't send cards to both of us....I received several beautiful letters back, from his cousins, who continue to this day to send me Christmas cards....not to him...but to me.

Watch a Christmas special on the TV.

Make some hot chocolate.

Spend time in prayer meditating on Christ's birth. There are many on-line church services....commit to watching these services this advent.

Buy yourself something "special"..it doesn't have to be much, a special notebook, a pair of fuzzy slippers, some chocolate.....

Turn it around..do not let their crisis steal your happiness.

[FaithWalker]

My BD happened 2 weeks before Christmas and 2 weeks after our 14th anniversary.  I found divorce papers in the printer in our office on Christmas Eve.  Needless to say, I assumed that Christmas would be ruined for me forever.  The first Christmas after BD and the big D, the kids and I were living with my brother, and that helped as we did Christmas together, and started a new tradition of doing Christmas together.  Even on the years that I did not have my kids for Christmas, they switched their plans to match up with ours Christmas Eve morning.  Separating the stockings was painful for me, very brutal.  H's grandmother (RIP) had handmade them for all of us and since xH had the kids for Christmas Eve, their stockings hung at his house and just mine and my oldest S had stockings hanging and it was so sad, especially after I got a FB memory of the previous year with all 5 of our stockings hanging in a row.  The stockings came back Christmas Eve with the kids and hung up, minus H's where they belonged Christmas morning, but I always wondered what the kids thought as they had already opened their stockings with H first.  The following year we were in our own place and I had the stockings first.  And then the next year, I did not.  So last year I finally decided I was tired of the passing of the stockings and I ordered a matching set for the 3 kids and myself.  I gave S his stocking from his great grandmother to keep and I lovingly kept mine as a reminder of her, and I sent the 2 younger kids stockings with xH and told him to keep them, that I did not require them any more.  Such a small, minute thing to someone, but for me was so symbolic.

And xH's CovidWifey will not have a stocking from beloved grandmother, so I take some comfort in that.  And she's not getting mine.  So xh will have to either buy a whole new set or have mis-matched stockings for Christmas.  Unless MIL in her way of making everyone feel like they "fit" figures out a way to make a similar stocking and present it to CovidWifey, but that's enough pondering that lol.  Christmas with CovidWifey will look much different than it ever did with us.  That's a consequence of blowing up your marriage and having your children only part time.  D18 hasn't even decided if she will join xH's family for Christmas this year or not, she has slowly distanced herself from him since she turned 18 and just has an occasional lunch with him, but that's about the sum of their relationship.

Ok, got off on a tangent...

I think it's important to find new traditions.  New things that you can do as a new, different family unit.  It can still be cozy and meaningful.  And if you're by yourself, think of it as a blank slate that you can have the freedom to make it what you want to make it.  I know Covid doesn't help with this.  In future, when I don't have Christmas plans with my family I intend to travel.  And with Christmas being my BD time, I gave myself permission to grieve when I needed, but tried to make it a short trip and not a destination.

[Milly]

I remember the first Christmas after BD being really hard. BD was 6 months earlier and at the beginning of November H told me he was moving to the US probably for ever and told S who was 10 at the time. So first Christmas the kids were not even going to see their father at all.

I didn't feel like doing anything but needed to make it special for my S and D. We decided to try to do everything slightly different from how we used to do it so that we wouldn't be continuously reminded of H's absence. I bought a different kind of tree and set it up in a new location. We decided to go out on CHristmas Eve together to buy fish to cook for dinner and to have hot cocoa in a lovely café. We continued to do this these last 5 CHristmas Eves.

The first Christmas, we needed to be alone and just felt comfort in being together without pressure to seem happy. We watched movies and I had bought lots of cosy food (chocolates, nuts, dried fruit) and set it up in pretty bowls on the coffee table, and splurged on fancy Christmas candles,which added atmosphere in the evenings. The following Christmases, I invited my single girlfriend and her D for lunch. This has been our tradition ever since and we really look forward to it.

My D started a new tradition for us the first year she went off to university in the UK (4 years ago) by bringing back Ginger bread houses to make up. She invited her bestie to sleep the night before, and I made a brunch with bacon and eggs and pancakes for D, bestie, S and I to have before they started decorating the houses. As the kids grew, this has changed from brunch to Prosecco and nibbles.

From the second Christmas, my S and I also started going to stay with my cousin and her family for 2 or 3 nights over New Year's Eve. It felt good to leave the house before the CHristmas blues set in and hear new conversations.

This year with Covid, I don't think we'll be able to do any of our traditions. To the newbies, I feel for you and know exactly how hard this Christmas is for you and your kids, if you have them, to face. But as others said, they will get easier. I highly recommend pushing yourself to change your Christmas habits. If there is anything your H didn't want to do at Christmas, that is especially something you should do. It helps to make you realize that you are now free to do anything any way you wish to. That gave me a bit of a buzz.

Wishing you all, especially the newbies, a peaceful Christmas.

[FearNot]

Mmmm yup Christmas. It was confirmed on Christmas Eve day 2017 that there was an OW, that's when I looked at H's phone finally. We were at my mom's home and heading to H's family's. I ended up at home by myself, as I just couldn't do it (that's the short version lol). There was some Prosecco involved, lot's of tears, and I ended up here !! December 27 was a second BD. Truthfully, some of it is pretty hazy (not sure if that's the Vitamin Prosecco or just ...lol) ,  but the pain of what I felt is not hazy at all. I personally haven't been huge Christmas fan for many years ( H and I generally tried to be out of the country). I always found it difficult with my mom's remarriage etc. I kind of felt like... of course this would happen at Christmas. The first Christmas after, I distracted myself by making dinner for family and friends. Went all out, so I didn't have anytime to really think, until it was all over and then bam... Last year I was at my cousins, I went because I felt obligated. I felt numb and tried to just not go there in my mind. Basically just tried to avoid it.

This year, I am going back to my moms. I'm not even sure how I really feel about that. Funny enough as much as I don't want to feel the feels at my moms, this is the first time in many years where I have an overwhelming feeling that I need to go home for Christmas. The last Christmas I was there, my SD was still at home and not in long term care. I really don't know what to expect.

For all you newbies. It's hard... really hard, but you WILL get through it and do it whichever way you need to. Whether that is doing something completely different (this year is going to be different most likely due to the state of our world) or holding onto your treasured traditions, or skipping all of it, some of it. There is no right or wrong way to do it. But let your family and friends be there for you. It's a difficult time of year for many, and throwing all this in the mix just adds to it and big big hugs!!

I'll be keeping y'all in prayer.

FN

[Curiosity]

This is my first Christmas since BD. Last Christmas, the EA had started but BD1 was in March. It was obvious to me that something was happening - it felt like MIL and I were hangers-on at W and OW’s Christmas dinner. I had convinced myself that they were just friends; as far as I know, OW is straight. But there was clearly flirtation and closeness there; my W was clearly trying to make the holiday special for OW.

Now... I don’t know what Christmas will look like. Thanksgiving looked about how you would expect it to look in a pandemic... me, MIL, and W making a smaller version of the family’s traditional dinner. I know W is talking about putting up some lights at her rental place. She hasn’t said anything about putting up the tree or other decorations here, and I admit that I’m not really feeling in the spirit. Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday and Christmas felt like less of a big deal. But now... I kind of feel like the EA ruined any sort of joy I might have taken in the holiday season. And W is out of the EA but still in some sort of dysfunctional friendship with OW, but for her the holiday was mostly about throwing a big party and she can’t do that this year.

So...the holiday season here will be about relaxing and maybe seeking peace and healing while taking a break from the traditions that now have some painful associations.