[Seahorse]

Most of you know that my whole family (3 sons and 2 of their GF) are going to S24's state to celebrate Thanksgiving, at S24's request.  H was not invited, and is very hurt by it.  That was not intentional.  Just didn't think of it, and even if I did invite H; S18 probably would then stay home, so his loss.  I guess that's what happens when you blow up your family and take on with op and their family...

Sea

[UrsaMajor]

Most of you know that my whole family (3 sons and 2 of their GF) are going to S24's state to celebrate Thanksgiving, at S24's request.  H was not invited, and is very hurt by it.  That was not intentional.  Just didn't think of it, and even if I did invite H; S18 probably would then stay home, so his loss.  I guess that's what happens when you blow up your family and take on with op and their family...

Sea

Sea,

To be quite blunt, you all are going to S24's state to celebrate so I am assuming that S24 was the one coordinating/inviting? Therefore why should YOU be the one to invite H to the party? In the words of Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction (paraphrased): "Why are YOU on Brain Detail? H is the one dat shot da mudderfiretrucker!"

Last time I looked, H wasn't interested in celebrating anything with you.... Why WOULD you think of inviting H to the party? What, with his Schmoopie (as in H and GF/OW?)



If he is very hurt by it, then he needs to look at it as being the consequences of his actions... But it most certainly is NOT your circus or your monkeys to deal with...

[Treasur]

Out of interest, how do you know he feels hurt, sea?

Agree with UM. If you leave your family In search of a magic better happy, these are the practical consequences. Wasn't your invite, so not your business really. It was an intentional choice by your son as host, for whatever reason, and he has the right to make it imho.

There do seem to be a number of MLCers who bizarrely think that they can still do 'family' as if nothing happened, sort of pick it up and put it down when it suits them. Which is also of course a way of denying that they did things that hurt people who have the right to feel how they feel

[Standing Strong]

I soooo agree with making new traditions.... it helps with the break.
IF they come back, there's something new to experience together and if they don't.... well, the past is the past and something new is here.

-SS

[Seahorse]

UM and Treasur - I'm not trying to hijack this thread, but to answer your questions...

S24 is the one who suggested doing Thanksgiving in his current city (so he doesn't have to travel for both holidays).
I think H was a little upset that he wasn't invited (or maybe even told) about the get-together, but probably more so that he won't be able to see his sons for the holiday, whereas he would if they were up here.

I know that he's hurt because he told S24 that he was, and S24 passed it along to me.

I know it's not my monkeys NOR my circus, but just putting it out there.
I believe that you're both correct in that these are the consequences of his actions.

Sea

[Milly]

Standing, I think you ask a good question, actually quite a big one, especially for the many LBSs and their kids if they have them, facing the first holidays without their spouse/father. Any advice to get through those first holidays without falling apart, or even better, having some enjoyable times is extremely helpful.

Since we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here, I'm going to tell you about our first Christmas without H. I still had 2 kids at home, S10 and D17 at the time. After having been used to big, lavish, fun filled Christmases, this first one 6 months after BD, one month after H said he was going to live on the other side of the world and never come back, was an extremely difficult holiday to make happy.

The way my kids and I went about it was to change it up as much as possible. We started a new Christmas Eve tradition that involved going for lunch with S in a food market in the centre of town, buying scampi for dinner, meeting D17 for hot cocoa at the top of a well known department store with an outdoor heated terrace café with views over Florence ( I had never been here before BD), and then driving home to cook the scampi together. This will be our 6th Christmas since BD and we will be carrying out this new tradition. My kids look forward to it.

That first Christmas, we had 4 invites from friends and family to spend the day with them. We didn't feel up to looking happy in public and chose to spend the day by ourselves. It was cosy and filled with love. Since that first Christmas, we have had a single friend and her D over to have lunch with us and spend the day. My kids and my friend's D look forward to this. It's like the family we all no longer have. After a big lunch, we like to fall asleep on the couches whilst watching a movie all together.

New Year's Eve is still a bit of a struggle. My best ones since BD have been when S and I have driven to Rome to spend the night with my cousin and her boys. It's cosy and loud. I would rather have shared a glass of champagne with my H, but being around other people was really the best way for me and my kids to get through and enjoy the holidays.

[FearNot]

Great thread! I like seeing what others are planning! It isn't an easy time, that's for darn sure!!

First Christmas- I got the ILBNILWY on Dec 21, 2017, day before my birthday. Dec 24 I found the text messages from OW. Dec 27 official BD. Needless to say it wasn't great. Lol. The case of Prosecco H bought for Christmas helped initially, spent a lot of time begging God and being angry at Him. I also found HS shortly there after and that was a lifeline of sorts, for sure!

Last year, which would be the first official Christmas, I immersed myself in doing dinner for some friends and my cousin. I went totally overboard but it kept me occupied and I was able to scrape through. I kept myself super distracted and perhaps a little tipsy for some of it but it did eventually hit and meltdown ensued.

This year. I don't know. I have never been one to be all about Christmas since my early teens. It's been a tough time of year for me. In the past H and I would avoid it by traveling.  I'm thinking I might have to face a few demons with this one! But one way or another I will get through. Maybe Prosecco will be on sale prior and I can have some vitamin P to help with the ailment. Lol 

[Seahorse]

Bumping this thread from Standing Strong for there Newbies -
You can see how many of us spent our first year post BD here, but more importantly:
Let us know how you're planning on spending your holidays after your first BD.
It can truly be a difficult time, but it DOES get easier as you self-navigate into LBS life...

[Anon]

The first Christmas was almost 6 mo post BD.   I was still an impossible mess emotionally and it was unreal not to be together.   My bff booked us a 3 day trip to an all inclusive luxury spa from Dec 24 - 27.   It truly was luxurious.  On Dec 25 we didn’t dine at the spa but had dinner at her D’s in-laws.    The entire 3 days was wonderful.   The spa was great and Christmas dinner was spectacular and hosted by one of our country’s wealthiest couple at their getaway mansion.    I think my jaw stayed dropped the entire 3 days at all the luxury surrounding me but at the same time I felt a bit detached from it all too.   I would have traded all that for a dinner of boiled hot dogs with my h and a few hours with him. 

The next 2 Christmases were spent with the same bff in her home starting Dec 24 and staying overnight to enjoy Christmas Day brunch.   We watched movies, snacked on chocolates, drank spiked Egg Nog.   Again, I could not fully enjoy because my mind could not stop thinking about h.   Both these years he flew off to see ow for 10 days  over Christmas and New Years.   It was a very difficult time emotionally knowing he was spending such special time with her.   

This year I’ll be out for Christmas Eve brunch with about 10 people from my Women’s Group, then off to Christmas Eve service at my church, and then out to my  bff’s for what has become a Christmas tradition of movies, eggnog and chocolates followed by Christmas Day brunch.    This year I wonder if I will give much, or any thought to my h.  Since last year, emotionally I have moved miles away from h.  I have no idea if he is going to visit ow again or if they are even still in a relationship.   It also no longer matters.    I might still feel a bit sad but nothing like the last few years. 

[LBS_Les]

BD was Jan 17 - last Christmas was brutal.   MLC'er didn't want to buy gifts, just had no interest.   We woke up on Christmas Day, and I was excited as hell as I am every year.   She proceeded to pick a fight with me, awful fight before my family was to come over.  Kissed and made up, took our annual portrait for SM, in front of the tree.   But the day was already off to a rocky start.

This year, xmas will be with my mom and brother, as usual.   I guess its a good thing I dont have to fight with the in laws about what day we have xmas.   They are a big family, and all I have is my mom and brother.   So its always been important to me that I spend the day with them.

Definitely not excited about xmas this year. I have not put up my xmas tree, and like won't either.   Too disappointing, and will trigger a ton of memories.