[Nas]

People get into relationships for lots of reasons, often it’s so that the relationship/other person can provide them something they can’t provide themselves, whether that’s material or emotional, and this is generally not a conscious thing. Lots of times we see it in others and it appears very calculated (the affair partner spending all the MLCer’s money, for example), but I think even then, it’s not as thought out as it appears. People often look to others for what’s missing in themselves or in their lives, or to fulfill some deep rooted need for safety, security, feeling taken care of, etcetera.

If our relationship/partner provides us something (or a whole bunch of somethings) we can’t provide ourselves, then losing the relationship/partner will leave us feeling like we’ve lost everything. My perception of my marriage was that it provided me with a stable place in the world (more importantly, a place of import in someone else’s world, which was important to my very wounded inner child) and a fixed identity that showed the world I fit somewhere, I had a right to exist.  When the marriage ended, I lost everything material, but what toppled me most was losing the illusion of mattering.  Because I let my marriage provide me what I needed to be providing to myself, I was left feeling like I had nothing – nothing for myself and nothing to offer anyone else.  I’ve found over the years that giving something, however small, helped me see that I have something to offer. I do a stocking drive every year and collect donations to fill up holiday stockings with necessities for families in need – each stocking is created for a different age group, from infants to adults. Things like that are easy to organize and don’t take too much time if you’re also busy with work and other responsibilities, but it’s a good way to change the perspective of having “lost everything.”  If I had nothing (translation: if I was worth nothing), I’d have nothing to give. If I have something to give, I don’t have nothing.
I've shared about this before, but this year I feel more emphasis on 'making it' than 'faking it' so I thought I'd share it again.

(I don't really like Christmas music, here's the closest I can get atm)
https://youtu.be/PuqASfQ91k8?si=LLTJmOsUIv9toLC3

[Treasur]

If I have something to give, I don’t have nothing.

For a time, I was so broken, I didn’t.
It felt very reassuring once I did.

I am one of those LBS who was also bereaved at the same time as BD. No sibling. No kids. I used to love Christmas and then it just hurt too much. It helped to accept that, no matter how much I wished I could, it simply was not possible for me to approach it the same way once I’d lost my whole family unit. So I tried different things until I found ones that worked for me…..and it helped to acknowledge that, for a variety of reasons, a lot of people out there find holiday seasons far from easy, not just me 

[Nas]

If I have something to give, I don’t have nothing.

For a time, I was so broken, I didn’t.
It felt very reassuring once I did.

That's a good point, Treasur, and I should stress that I don't mean to be telling newbies to simply find a way to enjoy the holidays.

I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone, for a very long time.  It's no coincidence that I chose to get married the day after Thanksgiving. It was like reclaiming the holiday season as "mine," as a time when I could finally be included, be part of the "happiness" everyone else was experiencing. What I realized is my "love" of the holidays all those years was also an illusion, where my need for love and safety and understanding and stability were all precariously heaped on top of the circumstances I was in: married, in my cozy home, with my former H's family who would come celebrate and make me feel like I had a place where I mattered. And when those circumstances changed, all the things I'd made contingent on those circumstances disappeared. For newbies, I'm not saying I would have had a jolly old Christmas after BD if only I'd not put all my needs on someone (or more precisely, something) else - definitely not. I'm just sharing what I've learned about myself, and what helped me. Hopefully, like Treasur says, you'll all find what works for you.

[mcm64d]

I'd better read this post at home. Sounds like me and Treasur are/ were in the same boat.

[mcm64d]

Yes Treasur and I are kind of in the same position. With Thanksgiving coming up next week, I will have nowhere to go. Two of my friends' families will be traveling. The third friend's family, whom I have know most of my 52 years, I cannot visit. Her husband cheated on her 20+ years ago and gutted her. He soon realized how I felt about that and has never had an urge to confront me to this day. Fair enough. For that, I can hold my head up high. And so can his wife, my best friend, who forgave and stayed with him.I love Thanksgiving.

I even hosted it for my wife and her grandmother as my wife's mom was too ill to host it herself. I made the turkey, stuffing, mashed, apple pie (in cast iron skillet) all from scratch. And I have a habit of doing goofy things... like silly song parodies about mundane things, or setting a place at the Thanksgiving table for the cat (yes Treasur, again with my cat  ), or feeding the squirrels walnuts because "it's Thanksgiving for squirrels too". My wife, who has since insists I am a no good psycho, used to love this about me. So did I. Sadly, no more,....

Christmas I do have a couple places to go but each family has young kids. Christmas was always hard growing up. Alcoholism and abuse were prevalent in my house and we were quite poor. So I never had good Christmas seasons generally.. This year, being the first since my impending divorce, with no family of my own, I will be spending it alone. There is no way I will risk even the slightest sadness affecting a young kid's Christmas and I am too emotional about it now, about 6 weeks out.

And right this moment I am flooded with tears thinking about not being able to give my wife something she usually loved. That hurts the most and she did it!!

But I want each and everyone of you to know that this site is my Christmas gift this year, Thank you all. Given the circumstances I wouldn't want anything else.

So while I sit here trying to imagine and become the best version of me I can after this disaster, I will enjoy the holidays trying to imagine how I would want things to go should I be fortunate enough to have a family again. And maybe a bottle or two of wine....

[FaithWalker]

Holidays for me, particularly Christmas were tough in those early years.  Wedding anniversary December 1st, Bomb Drop the middle of December after our 14th anniversary, a fixation on a possible alienator that I knew and was in the same room with and being completely ignored and mistreated at a Christmas party while he carried her bags to from her car, to finding divorce papers in the printer on Christmas Eve and then him filing for divorce just after New Years, it definitely left a lot of triggers and landmines to dance around every year.  Not to mention that due to the nature of FIL's job, we spent Christmas every year with MLCers family.

For the kids and I (10, 13 and 15 at the time of BD, 11, 14 and 16 at our first Christmas after BD AND Divorce AND losing our home) we had to let go of what was and start new traditions.  It wasn't easy, but we forged ahead, and though it took a few Christmases to get into a rhythm, I did find my JOY of the Holiday Season again.  There has always been a shadow.  Sometimes the shadow was very very small, and sometimes the shadow loomed very large and dark.  But I've learned how to not feed the shadow.

[Reinventing]

If I felt I wasn't going to do well in a situation, I did ask help from folks. I would unabashedly ask to join another family that I knew, even for a short time. You don't have to stay the whole time.

As an example, I went on a work trip and knew I couldn't be in my hotel room by myself for long periods of time or I would crawl out of my skin. This was before I found relief in running. So I asked work colleagues to sit with me in the lobby and talk, to go for walks with me in the surrounding area, to eat breakfast with me. In fact, "strongly ask" was more how I did it.

It turns out a couple of these folks ended up in their own crises a few years later and reached out to me for support, which I gladly gave.

Ask. Think broadly about folks you may be able to join, and if not to eat, to watch the game or something. The pain doesn't go away but it can help to be around other people, imo.

I buy chestnuts for the squirrels at Thanksgiving.

[MadLuv]

I have no extended family close. Both parents are gone. Last year I made thanksgiving for myself and ate it all week and I enjoyed it. Christmas this year I think I am skipping all together. I miss cooking for my family, but I am accepting of this is how it is. I am truly at a place of what do I want. I feel I have put everyone before me my entire life and it has left me pretty much alone now for the holidays. 

I have to say I struggle with seeing other families celebrating and all the hype pn TV and think how sad for so many that I never realized fully. So, I think we can always find appreciation in the fact we could all have it worse in some way or another. That is how I try to see everything now.

[mcm64d]

I feel I have put everyone before me my entire life and it has left me pretty much alone now for the holidays. 

I can empathize and sympathize. I am so very sorry for this.

[Baxter1]

Not sure how XMas will go this year. It sucks that we had such great holidays in the past but now it’s all awkward and just not the same. I have great memories of holidays past, I will hold onto those and appreciate the good times we did have.