[Nas]

As Thanksgiving day comes to a close in the States, I’m thinking of all the newbies and hope that everyone is hanging in there. I remember my first holidays after BD, how lost I felt.

I didn’t celebrate today, I actually worked like any normal Thursday (except no interruptions lol). But I did for the first time in a very long time take a few moments today to think about some things I’m thankful for. I don’t know what’s shifted for me but something has certainly shifted.  It’s not that I haven’t been grateful at all over the past few years, intellectually I was able to say there were things I was grateful for, I knew I should be grateful for, but I felt undeserving of them, and I felt like a terrible, spoiled, selfish person for not being able to get out from under the avalanche of difficulties to focus more on the things I should be grateful for. I feel like I’m seeing things and people more clearly. I’m seeing myself more clearly. 

Just a few short years ago during the holidays I was abandoned (not just by my H), homeless, destitute, undergoing chemotherapy… I don’t know why or how I managed to survive. And I might not have, but thankfully there does exist some good in the world and that good found me at my lowest. So I can’t take complete credit for my survival, I’m forever indebted and forever grateful.

I’m also forever changed - by everything that has happened, throughout my life, but mostly over the past few years. It’s never been easy, it’s never going to be easy, and it’s not fair. But practicing nonattachment has allowed me moments of appreciation for what is instead of overwhelming fear about what’s to come, and I am learning more and more to embrace those moments. It doesn’t mean I don’t still have significant anxiety and stress about the way forward, if there is a way.  But this is a vast improvement over when I was ready to give up on myself completely.

So I guess I’m posting here to say that just like we say that, for the person in crisis, their feelings are not facts, neither are ours. How you feel right now is not how you will feel forever. Grieve, allow yourself the space to be angry, confused, sad. You will survive this. But it does take more than just time. It takes a lot more than just time.

🎶 https://youtu.be/b_3oFRcTNHo?si=Y-YoKQ38dyW-JBl8

We cannot cling to the old dreams anymore
No, we cannot cling to those dreams
Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body?
I don't know…

[mcm64d]

You are truly inspirational Nas. I am so sorry to hear your story but I am grateful you have found some time and space to acknowledge some of those things you are grateful for. You are more than deserving!!

[Nas]

I came here to say I hope everyone going through a hard time gets through the next week-plus okay - and then in looking at my last post, I noticed a glaring error:

Just a few short years ago during the holidays I was abandoned (not just by my H),

That should say I was feeling abandoned - but feelings are not facts.  The person I had long, long, long ago been abandoned by was myself. 
I set 1 goal for myself for 2024, and I already achieved it - you'd think I'd set another but, no, I'm still treading lightly. 2023...I can't put it in words. It was excruciating.  But I learned a lot, about myself and about other people. I know what matters to me. I know what I'll accept and what I won't. I know what I need and what I desire, and the difference between those two things. I know that my needs matter.  I know what I want and what I don't, and that circumstances may preclude me from having what I want, but that doesn't make me less deserving of it, or less deserving of anything. I have lived a life of utter chaos, much of it (in my younger days) performative, playing pretend, trying things out, learning how to actually exist in the world by diving in head first without a f**king clue, making mistakes, but also getting it right sometimes. But I realize now I know deep down who I am, and I always have, because there are important core parts of me that have always been there that I don't abandoned or compromise no matter what changes or how hard life gets. And I know that having a hard life doesn't make me any less than anyone else.

I really didn't come here intending to share that, but there it is. I really just came to say, I know it's hard. I wish I could say there's something that can make it less hard, but in truth, there isn't. You can be surrounded by a huge supportive, loving family, but the wound is still fresh. So just take care of yourself as best you can. Don't self-abandon - you are not dependent on another to be whole.  You never were.  You may not believe that right now, but you will in time, so for now, just do what you can to get yourself through, whether that's eating your favorite food, buying yourself a little something you normally wouldn't, leaning on others or choose to watching movies with yourself all day. 

I'm at a loss for an appropriate song to link, sorry. Open to any suggestions...

[Nas]

I'm at a loss for an appropriate song to link, sorry. Open to any suggestions...

The unofficial music/soundtrack supervisor of life suggested this stellar choice for my last post:
https://youtu.be/HTCJKbpWATQ?si=uNrFEiRuu7JevJ03

And just in case I sounded too optimistic, I’d like to sum up the holidays for me in one short anecdote:
I went over to just drop off a gift for my niece and nephew. I parked my car in the driveway, where you’re supposed to park because street parking is not allowed, and ran inside to give them their presents. in the short time that I was inside, one of my brothers backed his car into mine, then proceeded to yell and curse at me for committing the crime of getting my car backed into.
Merry Christmas, God bless us everyone…

[mcm64d]

Happy Holidays!!!

Lesson learned. I will never park in the driveway.

[xyzcf]

Merry Christmas to those who are at the beginning of this journey, in the middle and many years down the line. The mass we attended last night focused on hope and the hope that we can have.

Our hope changes from year to year as we navigate these dark and troubled times.

As many of you already know, I have always believed in MLC as something that happened to my husband, beyond his control, that blew up my life and caused so much pain...there were times I could not breath. I have also accepted who he has become and wanted very much for our family to be able to still have the ability to spend time together.

At first, this was very difficult, and I could have shut the door and threw away the keys, because it hurt to have contact. But I knew what I wanted, for him, for our daughter and even for myself...family.

Painfully and very very slowly, the years went by and we included him in our lives, especially at holiday time. It was not easy.

Gradually, I became stronger, more relaxed, more accepting and perhaps always trying to understand .....as Treasur often used the words of changing one's lens, I tried to understand his life from his view.

And although he has changed and I have changed and we do not seem to want the same things in life anymore, where we once were on a set of railway tracks, speeding along side by side....years have gone by and that is not so anymore.

Why did I believe this contact to be so important? It shows up in a picture I took of him and our daughter pressed up to his chest...it's the same position she had when she was 16 and heading to a formal dance, this is her dad and he disappeared from her life for a very long time.

We are together in my home, cooking together....a few days ago, walking in a shopping area of town, a man yelled out to us "what a handsome couple"...indeed.

He brought us all thoughtful and lovely gifts...his love language is "gift giving" and a card expressing how grateful he is that we can spend time together as a family and how important those ties are.

Last evening, we went together as a family to mass....

It is not the "ending" that I had wanted many years ago but there is still a deep connection and love between us.

So, we have no idea how things will turn out. Without my openness and ability to forgive, this would not be possible.

Some here will scoff and think I am "settling" or not "getting my needs met" so why would I "allow this???

We always say everyone's situation is different and you will know what is right for you...even though many will tell you you are wrong.

This was not wrong for our family....I do not regret leaving the door open.

Just another long time ago story and how things have turned out. In a month or so, we'll meet our daughter and son in law for a sunny beach vacation...he and I will stay longer....his idea.

Blessings to you on the holy and special day!

[marvin4242]

Merry Christmas and a general holiday season best wishes to all. I wanted to share what I see 7 years out from the Christmas where my wife had her first visible break in her final falling apart.

What I see from my own story and others is this: the hardest part still seems to be acceptance. To accept that what is/has happened is real, that it is significant, and it is not a "phase" or "journey." Seven years out I can see how much worse it would have been if i had not pushed myself to move forward with my life DESPITE every fiber of my being screaming and clinging to the idea that somehow all this could be "undone" or "restored." There have been many dips into the lake of sorrows, many Christmases and other days of note filled with feeling of loss. But if I had not forced myself to move and create a life separate from my W i would still be living a fragment of a life. And considering we only have a limited amount of time I am not sure what it would have gained for me accept more pain, more damage and a form of clinging to a past that will never come back.

I do not want to make it seem like I am bitter or angry, I really am not. And I am still in contact with my W. In fact she threw a last minute invite for me to join her and her sister for Christmas (believe me there is no rhyme or reason than maybe guilt or needing something or maybe a momentary memory of Christmases past). The only benefit of having been in contact is I still get to see how real this MLC damage is to the person, how it is not a "process" and how more likely that not she will never recover. Without the contact I probably could have created my own "story" about what is going on. But there has been nothing else positive from any interaction I have had with her over the years, even when she is most like her old sense. I just feel sad for her.

So if you are in the earlier stages of your journey try to think ahead and really consider how you would like to spend the next seven years of your life.

[Evermore]

What I see from my own story and others is this: the hardest part still seems to be acceptance. To accept that what is/has happened is real, that it is significant, and it is not a "phase" or "journey." Seven years out I can see how much worse it would have been if i had not pushed myself to move forward with my life DESPITE every fiber of my being screaming and clinging to the idea that somehow all this could be "undone" or "restored." There have been many dips into the lake of sorrows, many Christmases and other days of note filled with feeling of loss. But if I had not forced myself to move and create a life separate from my W i would still be living a fragment of a life. And considering we only have a limited amount of time I am not sure what it would have gained for me accept more pain, more damage and a form of clinging to a past that will never come back.

Yes Marvin, I am also feeling very glad I forced myself to move forward. I am only 5 years in, and it’s only a year ago that I forced myself to consider allowing a new life to find me (one did 6 months ago ).

I’m not sure I agree that people don’t ever move through their crisis and restore themselves (and past relationships). We have evidence on the forum that that can sometimes happen. It’s still possible that my xH will at some stage look back again towards me (he certainly makes it clear he wants to maintain a relationship with me and it’s evident he constantly ‘watches’ what I do). But it’s just as possible (more than likely now I think) that he will continue on with the path he has chosen. I know (and he knows) it’s not the happy joy joy life he thought he was traipsing off to. But it appears it is a good enough new life for him and I think he feels it would double down on damage to try to roll things back after all the initial damage. He is clearly still well attached to his OW (and she to him), whilst also still attached to me. As I said to him way back then ‘we’ll just all have to learn to live with the $h!tety situation we find ourselves in’.

As mentioned on my own thread, I’ve recently agreed to start attending family functions when the OW is present. First time was at our eldest D’s BDay. It was weird but I coped. On this Christmas Eve, where for the past few years myself and D22 have gone to eldest D’s house (with my mum and D25’s partner’s mum too) I told D25 it was ok if she wanted to invite her dad… etc ( ). It was a smaller gathering than her Bday but she did invite a few extra close family members too and M (my ‘new life’ 😉) came with me of course. But it was still ok. As at D25’s BDay, xH made extra effort to engage M in conversation (this time it was me getting up to use the loo and xH taking my seat!). My girls seem very happy with this new development (it makes things much easier for them).

All of that ^ is simply to show newbies that you just never know what twists and turns will happen in coming years. I would have bet a million trillion dollars that a) xH wouldn’t have done what he did, b) that I would EVER! be ok to attend family functions with OW, or c) that I would have so easily found a lovely man to start a bright new future with.

So I agree with both XY that allowing contact can be good for our ‘family’, and with Marvin that we can’t cling on to a past that has been swept away. Merry Christmas to all. Xx