Author Topic: My Story Living in Limbo  (Read 2710 times)

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Living in Limbo
« on: November 13, 2019, 09:35:59 PM »
Time for a new thread!!!

  I was able to get the majority of things from the storage unit and of course when I came to the house with it, he had a a fit. Wanted me to sit in the cold at the storage unit and go through it all. I told him I wasn't going to do that. My attorney had filed a motion about him paying the unit and allowing people in our home without us being home.

They responded to the motion and stated that I don't contribute financially at all to the household. That I have always bought groceries but quit buying them for him when he filed for divorce. (he started eating out and after a month of cooking and throwing it out) I quit making him dinner). Then said that I paid the cable bill and said I getting more responsible financially and have reduced the bill to 70 dollars. Well I have been doing better financially but our bill isn't 70 and he doesn't know what our bills are that I pay.

 He said that I have blocked him from exiting the house and that I put my hands on him and scream and cuss in his face, that he sleeps in the bedroom upstairs and that I come in and shine the light in his face, to look for the animals. That I threaten him. Most of the bs in this motion was his accusations from February, and he never slept in a bedroom upstairs, he slept on the couch. And he hasn't slept upstairs since May.

 He said that I told him my place would be ready on December 5th and he is asking the court to remove me from the premises by that date. But he says I can't take anything with me if we don't have property agreement. Again they are asking me to show proof that I have paid a deposit to move ( I don't want him to know where I live) and I am not paying the deposit until the end of November and I shouldn't have to show him anything. And I can honestly say I haven't signed a lease anywhere. My attorney said she doesn't think that I have a reason not to tell them if they ask later that she can object. again why does he want to know where I am moving. and if he just wants me out then why does he care where I go.

 My attorney said that the judge very rarely would make a spouse move without damning evidence. I should be able to stay in the home until the divorce is final if I want. But I can imagine the tales will be wild again. I have been trying to keep everything calm prior to this wedding, but it is getting so challenging.

The response was sent last week but I just go tit, so he doesn't know I got it, but I came home and removed all of the Thanksgiving decorations and he just watched me every move I made. I never said a word to him and just went upstairs when I got a call from my friend and stayed up there until he went to bed.

I guess it is just one of those days that even though I know I am strong and I will survive , I still ask why this is so hard and why does it have to hurt so much, frustrating to be so lonely and missing him knowing he is in the next room,... I  know it is because I love my husband ( even though he is not that person I fell in love with at all right now).

Can someone attach my other thread? Please and thank you!

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10723
Done - UM



« Last Edit: November 14, 2019, 06:14:08 AM by UrsaMajor »
Caroline

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2019, 04:42:44 AM »
He's seriously lost the plot, hasn't he?

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Offline Watcher

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2019, 07:06:05 AM »
Hi Caroline,

I agree with Acorn's comment on ShockSis thread. MLC is irrelevant at this point. I had a nasty/controlling MLC experience with my W and now she is attempting to be just as nasty and controlling with the divorce.

They never stop with the control it seems. Mine is controlling our 2 sons. You know, she will use anything to destroy or defeat me. That's her objective. That's his objective. They have to win.

Also, they certainly do not like that we are "getting away" from their reach.

The MLC will run its course. You and I have to survive first. So NC is probably the way to go but that's your call. It works wonders for me.

I'm a firm believer in if they come out of it then they will let us know. I have no worries about that. So it's time just to focus on yourself and let him go on his way to rock bottom glory without you. Good luck.  :)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2019, 07:24:42 AM »
Hi Caroline,
I’m concerned enough about your situation as to repeat my post from another thread.  I hope that’s alright with you.

Here it is:

Caroline, you have described what one calls a ‘nasty divorce.’  I feel uneasy about your safety...   
His actions show emotional abuse in extreme.

It might be beneficial for you not to frame any of his mean words and actions as some kind of MLC process or symptoms because that may impede your ability to see the reality of his abject cruelty toward you.  MLC is irrelevant.

As NYM alluded, it does not seem to be about him finding it difficult to let go of you or that he feels some positive connection to you.  It’s all about him.  He is being nasty and cruel because he is.  It is not about you. 

I must say that I have seen enough similar cases not to read anything good but meanness (some of it even criminal) in his behaviour.   That’s my take for what it’s worth.

——————

There is no excuse for his behaviour.  You have no need to reduce in your mind his 100% personal responsibility for his behaviour, MLC or no MLC. 
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 07:26:08 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2019, 07:34:27 AM »
I just wanted to add something here to what i said on the other thread because I don't want to give you the impression I am saying to wait it out rather than divorce. I said that about my own husband a simply because he is a bit zombie-like at the moment so it is more a hypothetical for me. But your H seems to be quite in charge of his facilities in terms of being able to plot and manipulate the situation and that is worrying. SS's comment that his brain is not "functioning properly" gives it a much more neutral spin than it deserves. This guy is trying to destroy you.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 07:36:29 AM by Not Your Monkey »

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2019, 08:04:26 AM »
I agree with NYM.

Do NOT confuse what's going on here with an MLC. The guidelines or the way to "pave the way" according to this site do not apply.

There's no caring where he is in the "process". Even if it IS an MLC this is unacceptable behavior he's displaying.

You are being abused and it only gets worse once they get themselves into this kind of state. I agree this abuse is intentional. Not some fogged up brain excuse.

 It's time you got yourself physically safe. You cannot fix this and you must not feel sorry for him. if you have a place to move to on the 5th you may want to check into a hotel before then or stay with a relative or friend  if possible. Take all your personal papers ,clothes you need whatever is sentimental to you and leave when he is not home and don't tell him you are doing it. No note nothing. I'm concerned about your physical safety.

If it seems an overreaction you can make or accept apologies later.

Don't answer you phone texts or anything. You need to be somewhere you can think straight and not be emotionally manipulated.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 08:47:15 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2019, 08:43:45 AM »
I agree Caroline,

MLC or not, he is being abusive and there is no way you need to take that.
Watcher is right, if you have read any of his threads his W if very abusive and controlling.
 
These are the types you can not trust, their anger goes off the charts, so there may be more than just a crisis going on here.  Watcher got out and away from his W and crazy MIL and is doing so much better.
That's what we want for you.

Just keep yourself safe, Caroline, we care.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2019, 08:46:02 AM »
Hi all moving the discussion to my thread.

@Watcher
He is trying to control my daughter (from a previous marriage ) as she is very narcissistic and will do anything if you give her money which he is doing. I have been no contact with him since I received these papers. Will be easier once I am able to move out. He does seem to want control and seems to hate that I am wanting to move out. It seems he wants to flip the switch to me wanting to move out on my terms to him having me thrown out so my leaving is on his terms.

@Acorn and NYM,
It is so nasty and I do feel that it is emotional abuse. I have been trying to not rock the boat and more than necessary since my daughter wedding is the 30th. My attorney plans to file for divorce for me based on inappropriate sexual conduct and also send the OW a letter to cease coming on our property the Monday after the wedding. I know he is going to be livid, and feel even more loss of control since I will be filing for divorce from him, but my lawyer said it will help me get my attorneys fees paid and a possible one time alimony payment for moving expenses. I plan to go to the domestic violence center this week to see what resources they have in place because he is abusing me and I think you all are right I have watered his actions down and believe that my love for him has colored what I am seeing. In my heart I have asked myself multiple times why he is trying to destroy me, so you are so right about this and I don't think there is much he won't do at this point.

@ In It
while I know he is not himself and in MLC. He is also very vindictive and his actions are very calculated IMO. I am really realizing that I am being abused...

I have gone from minimal contact to NC since Wednesday. One of my concerns is that my lawyer says that I don't have a valid reason to not tell them where I am moving to. Tomorrow in court I can say with honesty that I have not signed a lease yet. The townhouse becomes available while I am in Texas for the wedding. So I sign the lease on November 26th.  I plan to at least spend as much time there as possible until I can move my property which I would just come here to sleep and just won't say that I have a place yet. My attorney is submitting another property agreement since his layer says he wants one. But think it is for show to say he is trying but I doubt he will agree to it. My attorney said it is not that we are moving closer each time, his are completely different each time.

I am worried that he will have me followed again by a private investigator to find out where I live when I move. But I have already ordered a security system and my sons are going to install it before I move in. I know too that the boys only visit the house because they come to see me, and that once he realizes that they are going to go NC after the wedding and I move.. I am sure he will blame that on me as well...

@NYM
I do know you were not saying not wait it out versus divorce .. I don't want a divorce but I believe that I cannot fix him by staying and that he will have to come to terms with himself and God before he could ever be the man I deserve to have in my life... I don't think remaining in the marital home will help that.. I think I can faithfully stand for my marriage in my own place and beginning my healing and leaving him to head to rock bottom all by himself.. I believe he is just going to get worse going forward...

Thank you all so much.. i needed the reality check and the support.. I needed the virtual hugs too!!



Caroline

Offline Acorn

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2019, 08:54:24 AM »
You are listening to many advices here and take what’s relevant to you.  Wise lady.  Since you appreciated hugs, here are some more:  (((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

I’m sure you are documenting all of his horrendous actions. 
Did your lawyer suggest that there is enough evidence to file for a stay away order after you move out?
Live-in MLCer
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Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2019, 08:56:04 AM »
Caroline, your lawyer must not understand what is going on, because you have every reason to not tell him where you are moving.  It's for your safety.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2019, 08:56:25 AM »
Tell you're stupid lawyer that you are being abused and afraid for your own safety THAT's why you do not want him to know where you are going.
If that lawyer hasn't figured that out by whatever papers your H's lawyer has already sent, you need a smarter lawyer.
If your H was being abused as he says he's been..don't you think he'd leave? But he's not, he's staying and he's projecting his possible behavior on you.
So before this escalates PLEASE see if you can find a different place to live sooner than the 5th. You have a right to feel physically safe.
Don't worry about him blaming you for anything.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Loyal

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #11 on: November 17, 2019, 09:08:08 AM »
Caroline, so sorry you`re having to put up with this crap. I`ve just read several of your posts and your H seems to be one of  the extremely abusive, nasty and manipulative MLCer`s that may very well start abusing you physically as in my case.

There are a few of us whose whose MLCers fit in the same category as yours and talking from experience, your H is out to destroy you in his present state of mind and won`t give any peace and quiet until he`s accomplished just that, which is why you have to protect yourself  and look after your own best interests.

It`s also very inportant that you remove all things (personal possessions, passport, bank statements and all important documents) that he doesn`t get his hands on them. You probably think your H would never stoop to such a level but my MLCer not only stole many of my possessions  but also removed one of my business files.

So before this escalates PLEASE see if you can find a different place to live sooner than the 5th. You have a right to feel physically safe.
Don't worry about him blaming you for anything.

« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 09:26:14 AM by Loyal »
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

"Surrender to what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be"

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #12 on: November 17, 2019, 09:32:30 AM »
Caroline, run your situation passed someone in Domestic Violence. They will identify it for you, if that will help.

If you google the Domestic Violence Power and Control Wheel you may see you situation there. Or look up what are the signs of Domestic Violence. Or Abusive men. Or even the question Am I being abused? There might be a check list.

Please do not be ashamed of this. It happened to quite a few of us and we just kept ourselves believing it was something else entirely.
MLC or whatever anyone what's to believe it is?

YOU do not need to put up with any of this. abuse or go through any more mind games manipulation or BS.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #13 on: November 17, 2019, 09:46:02 AM »
Strong hunch that after you visit the local DV center, they will be willing to support your unwillingness to reveal your new location to your spouse. Though, it will show up soon enough on a people search function. To avoid that, try to get a post box for your mail, a letter from the DV center to support having your address for electricity, water, sewer, wifi, etc. only listed with a link to the PO Box. When you do a mail forwarding, start it now with the PO box already set up. If the only link between you and the townhouse is a lease, then he cannot find you. Alert your employment that you now use a PO box and not to reveal anything about you.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #14 on: November 17, 2019, 09:53:02 AM »
I don't think she truly understands because she said she could objet but that we don't have a legal reason not to tell them.. I think we absolutely do have one...

I am going to talk to her tomorrow and make her keenly aware of this .. I am not worried about it for tomorrow since I have not signed a lease I can say that I have not made a final decision and that his delays and lack of willingness to agree to any property agreement on personal property  has impacted my ability to determine an accurate move out date.. I also plan to tell them I am looking at a job in another county and that it would be financially detrimental to sign a lease at this moment ( I did look up one so I won't be lying about it in court) plus pointing out that he is trying to make me miss my daughters wedding to move on his date....

Of course I am signing at the end of the month when the townhouse is available...
Caroline

Offline Acorn

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #15 on: November 17, 2019, 10:00:08 AM »
I don't think she truly understands because she said she could objet but that we don't have a legal reason not to tell them.. I think we absolutely do have one...

I am going to talk to her tomorrow and make her keenly aware of this .. I am not worried about it for tomorrow since I have not signed a lease I can say that I have not made a final decision and that his delays and lack of willingness to agree to any property agreement on personal property  has impacted my ability to determine an accurate move out date.. I also plan to tell them I am looking at a job in another county and that it would be financially detrimental to sign a lease at this moment ( I did look up one so I won't be lying about it in court) plus pointing out that he is trying to make me miss my daughters wedding to move on his date....

Of course I am signing at the end of the month when the townhouse is available...

I’m ridiculously happy to read this, Caroline.   :)
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2019, 10:13:50 AM »
Caroline, I am concerned for your wellbeing too so i am glad to hear that you are seeing the abuse for what it is. And that the reason why matters much less right now. Some of your h's behaviour is very peculiar indeed...and I agree with others that it is about control. Which is the core of abuse imho.

I think the suggestion about getting support from local DV folks is a solid one and hope you do this asap, if only bc it would frame your lawyer's POV and advice better. I have the sense that you are still trying to keep various balls in the air as if you were dealing with something more 'normal' and capable of fair mindededness -  the wedding, your plan to return to the house to sleep, the legal responses and possessions etc. You may need to consider letting some of these play out differently in order to keep yourself safe....? Jmo. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this but others here have been where you are.....have had to make tough short term choices sometimes...but they have survived and prospered and you will too.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 10:15:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline Watcher

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #17 on: November 17, 2019, 10:18:55 AM »
Caroline,

My W contacted the local DV group to use against me. Now that's part of her destroying me campaign. I think hers is called Women Aware.

She made it clearly known to me during our June court proceeding which I took as a threat.

Yea they will do anything.

My attorney says they do offer valuable advice. So it's worth looking into.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #18 on: November 17, 2019, 11:08:08 AM »
Yes I would rethink ever going back to the house once you leave it. To sleep or even to get anything.

After you leave if or when you have to go back to get anything, take someone with you. Even better, contact your local authorities to go with you. Have someone there.

I know this sounds extreme ? But you cannot trust him anymore. Better safe than sorry. Err on the side of caution.

If he starts trying to get buddy buddy with you? Do not believe it. He's trying to throw out a crumb to reel you back in and mess with your head.

You are in a whole different category now.  No more poor Hubby and MLC. OK? This is about you now Caroline.

Read sweetie, read online about abusers.

You may think he'll have no problem with you leaving.? Or coming back and leaving again?
He will, he'll be losing more control. He'll hate that, then try to control you. It could end up with you getting hurt very badly or worse.

I didn't think the ex would have a problem with it. 
I was wrong, and that mistake cost me a visit to the emergency room for ex-rays plus years of trying to recover from the damage that was done.

Don't be me. Be smart and aware. Take the focus off him and put it on you instead.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 11:24:07 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #19 on: November 17, 2019, 12:05:37 PM »
Why would the court care where you move?  They don't. There should only be a move out by xx date(if you need to have one) and  of course a date to sell the house by or divide the assets by.  There should be a support amount to start being paid by xx date.

All the things your Hs L are asking for is spaghetti against a wall and I am not impressed with your attorney's responses to the crazy.  Overpriced used furniture in exchange for everything else? That is so funny! I'm not sure what state/country you live in. Not community property I assume?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #20 on: November 17, 2019, 12:08:16 PM »
Also, I hope you are storing your valuables elsewhere as people have told you. My XH would sneak into the house while I was at work and take MY things. (Then got mad when I changed the locks...go figure ;D)
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline terrified_in_TN

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #21 on: November 17, 2019, 03:29:42 PM »
I don't think she truly understands because she said she could object but that we don't have a legal reason not to tell them..

I am not a lawyer, and I apologize for not knowing your story or background, but I don't think there is a legal obligation that requires you TO tell him, either.

I could see complication if you had small children (again apologize I don't your the details of your situation), but even THEN I don't believe there is any legal requirement for you to do so.

About the only thing I can add is your MLCer can range from very mild, in which case, being kind, paving the way, etc would apply, to extremely violent in which case you need to take steps to protect yourself.

I don't want to scare you, but often times nobody thinks anything violent will happen to them, especially from someone they have known most all their adult life, until it actually does.

Hugs,

-T

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #22 on: November 17, 2019, 04:20:12 PM »
Also although not as common. Or maybe even less reported.Men do get abused. And there are places they to can  go ascertain that too. They can recieve counseling etc.

Abuse once it starts escalates each time you return to the relationship.

That's why when you have the ability to have the abuser (male or female) arrested. If you have actual physical proof of what you are saying.
You do it,  you have them arrested go through that process so they feel the consequences of their behavior.

You cannot worry about what anyone thinks including your kids. You are being a role model for them. Someone abuses you no matter who it is? You do something about it if possible.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 04:53:51 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #23 on: November 18, 2019, 05:47:08 PM »
Update after court....

We got to court and they were in the mediation area and not in the courtroom... they wanted my attorney and me to come in, she put me in the courtroom. She told me that they were just going to  try to intimidate and bully me and she wasn't going to subject me to that....
They said they wanted to see if they could reach an agreement for me moving out... dumb A$$ that is all I wanted right now is to move out and take my things... so he had too pay more money to do that? I guess so he felt more in control... Wonder why he chicken out going before the judge?

well he caved on it all but 2 things.. the bed which I agreed to take over payments... and the stove... but my attorney is making him pay for his part of the health insurance which is 193 a month and the bed is 325... he wanted the bed but didn't get it

The only win he got was a date for me to be out... I am leaving sooner than I said so he won't know...I said I would be moving out Christmas break which begins on the 20th but I am going to move out the 13th... less chance of him to monster...

He demanded to be able to use the bathroom in the hall and not the master.. and I use the hall because I am claustrophobic and so now I can use both and he can only use the hall so if I am in the shower guess he will have to pee in the front bushes again...


The judge told us both that we had to be considerate and amicable so if he violates that he violates the court order now..
when they walked out my attorney overheard my H complaining and his attorney said it is too late now...so he already isn't happy

I also went to the domestic violence center today and so they have me listed as a client... they gave me ideas for maintaining my privacy when I move...

I plan to stay NC... I just have nothing to say to him.... Right now even though he didn't gain today I did... I still feel like he won since I am leaving even though I don't want my marriage to end.. but there is no working on a marriage with a man who is living with a goal to destroy me...

just makes me wonder what is next to do to me on his agenda as I am sure he is planning it now...

Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #24 on: November 18, 2019, 07:04:38 PM »
Good leaving before that date is good. I know you know this but: Do not let him know where you are going or where you are.

You are dealing with an insecure coward so do not be afraid. Just use your head.

 My suggestion to avoid anymore damage being done to you can change your phone number. I know that's a pain right in the butt...but I'm more then sure you might be in for a major hoovering at some point....he's going to try to suck you back in with overtures, lies, wanting to try to settle something without the lawyers, subject you to monster or the pity party whatever he can to keep you engaged.

You have a lawyer now everything goes through her. (I'm glad she realized what's going on and protected you by putting you in the courtroom.)

If you don't want to change your number and let the phone ring, give his number a different tone. Just don't answer it. Let him leave whatever messages and texts he wants to. DON'T listen to the messages and don't read or reply to the texts.  Let your lawyer listen to them or a friend. You are on an evidence collecting mission.
Treat him like a total stranger. Time to ice over.

If he harasses you ( ANY unwanted contact with frequency)  press charges against him. That might eventually lead to an order of protection.
Document everything.

He may even stalk you..showing up places you might be. You may have to stay aware.

While you are still there get the make, model, color and plate number of the car. Memorize the plate so if you see a car that looks like his you can identify it.

You are the one who is leaving because he wants you too, and by now you want to. To harass you after you leave means he's trying to control you. If he can't control you physically he'll try to get some kind of emotional reaction from you. If you answer the phone he may record you by saying something that makes you angry then try to get charges pressed against you for being unstable crazy or whatever else he can think of. So do not answer his calls. This isn't an MLC.

 When you have some peace and are able to reflect back you may realize just how bad for you the relationship was. No contact is no picnic but is necessary for your own well being.

Sleep. get good sleep It's sooo important...eat healthy and take care of you.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #25 on: November 19, 2019, 11:17:40 AM »
Well he has already begun the process to "set me up" . I found an indoor camera that rotates in the room he is sleeping in... He bought it on 11/2 so I don't know if it has been somewhere in the house already. It is in a bag and not set up but I am sure after the court issue yesterday that he plans on trying to catch me doing something wrong to tell the court.

I emailed my attorney about this since he always tries to talk amy dog in the room with him and I have to go get her. I am sure that he intends to try to catch me coming in his "protected space" to get her. So I asked her to communicate to them that he can't take her in there.

Everyday it seems to get one more step worse... So glad I am getting out and going before he expects me to leave... 

AT the same time... I find myself really beginning to grieve ... This is so hard and I know each of you understands.. Today is one of those  days to just make it through one minute at a time....
Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #26 on: November 19, 2019, 12:05:31 PM »
Oh noo Caroline  I know I started grieving ohhh sweetie they get entirely freaked over that. ENTIRELY freaked.

There's nothing wrong with you..you aren't crazy. You're are grief stricken and you need privacy and you need to get away from him.

He'll be calling the troopers to take you to be evaluated at a mental health center because you are crying..sweetie really as soon as you can leave. You need to. They don't understand it's the end of everything. And it doesn't matter anyway they don't care.. :'( :'(

They don't feel anything. No compassion, no sympathy, no empathy. No regard for you as a human being. To him you will appear weak. And he would ramp up the abuse even if you didn't cry to where he finally made you cry. They get off on it. I know it's sick but that's who they are and you have to remove yourself from being anywhere near him.

He is heartless and soul less and you need to leave. He cannot even hear you whimper or he'll continue to abuse you worse.

This is all so very hard and it looks like with the camera etc he's trying to set you up.

Sweetie please is there someplace you can go? Take your pet and leave? A Motel 6? Anyplace?

« Last Edit: November 19, 2019, 01:21:24 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Disillusioned

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #27 on: November 19, 2019, 12:35:17 PM »
Well he has already begun the process to "set me up" . I found an indoor camera that rotates in the room he is sleeping in... He bought it on 11/2 so I don't know if it has been somewhere in the house already. It is in a bag and not set up but I am sure after the court issue yesterday that he plans on trying to catch me doing something wrong to tell the court.

I emailed my attorney about this since he always tries to talk amy dog in the room with him and I have to go get her. I am sure that he intends to try to catch me coming in his "protected space" to get her. So I asked her to communicate to them that he can't take her in there.

Everyday it seems to get one more step worse... So glad I am getting out and going before he expects me to leave... 

AT the same time... I find myself really beginning to grieve ... This is so hard and I know each of you understands.. Today is one of those  days to just make it through one minute at a time....

Caroline,  I know others have pointed out that his behavior is concerning, and I have to say I agree.  This sounds very aggressive.  Please be on guard and continue to make note of this behavior with your attorney.  It may work to your advantage in the future. 
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
!2/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #28 on: November 19, 2019, 12:46:30 PM »
Well imho opinion Caroline you have to leave there's no telling how low he will stoop.
There's no good reason to subject yourself to abuse while you are greiving.
You need a safe place to do that in and it's not there.
Use your head, he's not worth it.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #29 on: November 19, 2019, 07:05:20 PM »
I am grieving but internally. He has seen me cry twice since this began. Once when we got in a fight after I found out about the affair ( which was quite awhile ago) and a few weeks ago when I found my birth mom and he knew that was why... But I am not going to cry in front of him at all.

I personally don't want him to know that he is hurting me.

I have already begun to take steps to be safer here... I am locking my door at night. I am going to be packing a bag to keep in my car.  The lady at the center gave me things to think about and some steps to take to help.

I think the grieving is coming from realizing that I won't be seeing the man I love everyday and that I won't live with him, that my marriage is ending.... But I can't help him, I need to take care of me... and this is not the man I married or have spent 24 years with...

I have other things to implement as well form there suggestions.
Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #30 on: November 19, 2019, 07:57:05 PM »
Yes keep your door locked.

This "man" that chooses to abuse you, your love, your care concern and your heart is the one who is there.
He doesn't deserve you.
And no you are right you cannot fix him or help him. He needs to be left on his own.

He's a big boy he'll figure it out. Don't worry about him. He'll learn how to do things for himself. Maybe he will grow up? Maybe he won't. Either way he has no right to treat you badly.

You do not deserve to be abused. Maybe read some articles about how to detach. Or maybe something online about the mindset of people who have been or are being abused.
The longer you stay there you may be more traumatized then have more trust issues to deal with later.

Do not  place your trust, faith or anything optimistic in regards to your relationship or whoever he is now.

Keep yourself safe.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #31 on: November 25, 2019, 02:32:00 AM »
Just checking Caroline..is everything ok?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #32 on: November 25, 2019, 02:37:00 AM »
Checking in too...let us know how you are if you feel able? You are in our thoughts here.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #33 on: November 25, 2019, 08:13:41 AM »
I emailed my attorney to find out how long I had to remove my clothes from the guest room where he is staying since it is exclusively his now... and about him taking the dog in there since he had that camera...

My attorney took two days to send it by then I had removed most of my clothes but he responded to his attorney with a nasty email saying I even took the toilet paper out of the bathroom.( funny since I use that one too,just needed to buy more) Then when he came home.. he was lviid with me that he had to pay his attorney 400 for responding (hello??? you were the one who started this and have spend 13,000 on your attorney and now you are worried about 400, and he is probably angry that I preempted his plans of "catching me with his camera". ) I also called him on the fact that he is recording stuff.. he said yep I have plenty... I know he has himself talking to the dog.. but since I am not mean to you... you have nothing... he just wants to put me in a position to worry...

He said we needed separate areas to sleep because of my allegations of him physically harming me.... I said from the fight we had in February and he said no what I said in deposition...I said what did I say (because I am not going to say it to his face)... he said because I would not say where I was moving... I said I said that because I don't want you to know and you don't have the right to know.. he said I don't want to know , I don't care where u live.. I said then quit having your attorney ask me where then and  He had nothing left to say...

The clothes I removed were on garment racks in the hall ( and in his way) then he says he was going to buy me racks but he has been sick and then moved furniture around in his office area so my clothes could be in there (I think he wanted me to think he was helping me) I know better... he wasn't too sick to buy the camera though....

But I am ok.. just emotionally challenged right now... I am going from being excited about the move to being sad that I won't be with my husband anymore... (I know that I am not "with him" right now and that we are just physically present in the same house and he is not the man I married either) just figure that it is normal that I am sad that I am going to miss even seeing the "shell" . I am packing still but stressed since it is all coming so fast now and the process is so emotional, I get stuck. I texted two of my friends to come help me with no response... maybe I need new friends... This part right now is so overwhelming.. trying to go through it all, get rid of stuff and pack it right... Moving alone is hard enough... not to add all of the rest of it...



Of course my daughter wedding is this weekend, I am very happy for her but she is very narcissistic and I know that she always blames me for what ever she can and even if I am silent she will find something... she already says my dress is too fancy but she would say that about a burlap sack.. emotionally I am a mess and having to be there with his parents, him and dealing with her will be a huge challenge...

But I will just keep my headsets in as much as possible and know that it will be over Sunday and then I get to get the keys to my new place on Monday..

I sign the lease tomorrow... honestly nervous..... it is a huge step and I feel like I am not standing for my marriage by leaving, but know I can stand being away and it would continue to get worse if I stayed... just hard since I don't want a divorce...

of course I got the crud yesterday too... and so on the emotional rollercoaster right now...

And of course in all this, it is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it feels like he is winning since he "now wants me out" and wants a divorce ... I logically know that I have done all that I can to save my marriage, that this is not about me, that I have two of my kids supporting me ...  I am pretty sure that he will still be coming home getting drunk laying on the couch falling asleep, watching tv and going to bed at 8:30. he will still lead the same dull existence he is without the pets or me there and the house will be basically empty) I am not worried about him just am sure that his quality of life will not change when I leave) and the magic fairy of happiness that he expects will rain down on his life when I leave... will not appear)

it just sucks.. but I know all of you know this... just helps to write it to get it out of my head...

I know I need to move out to begin to heal and help me to really detach.. hard to detach when you are constantly having to look over your shoulder for the next crazy thing you have to protect yourself from...

I have even set up an appointment for a mechanic to check my car for a tracking device when I am ready to move.. security system arrived yesterday will be the first thing installed...


Thanks for checking on me.....



Caroline

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #34 on: November 25, 2019, 02:33:25 PM »
Might be worthwhile to be sure there´s no tracking app or install on your phone. If you share a plan with him, now would be a good time to get your own plan.
me 51
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BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #35 on: November 26, 2019, 07:09:21 AM »
Might be worthwhile to be sure there´s no tracking app or install on your phone. If you share a plan with him, now would be a good time to get your own plan.

If you are an Android user, Google does a lot of tracking all by itself but that can be shut off. It is, however, active my default so you need to intentionally shut it off.

A BF of my cousin was also able to follow her whereabouts based on her iPhone (pretty creepy when she was visiting me and gets an e-mail asking how was Paris when we were visiting... She thought it was amusing... I didn't).....
Me - 56
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #36 on: December 02, 2019, 08:16:22 PM »
Checking back in ...

The wedding is over and it was absolutely beautiful! Since it was outside.. we were worried since it had been overcast all day..
The sun came out 20 minutes before the ceremony and it stayed so nice! I survived the trip there and back with H. He had one glass of alcohol once we left Wednesday until we returned home yesterday. H was very standoffish most of the trip, but he began to open up a little each day. Some of the things I did notice is that he had to communicate with me since we only had one car and had to coordinate picking up cake, food, people from the airport, and being places at certain times.

I know others have asked how the MLCer can function in the real world and I got a front row seat to watch it.. I was amazed how "normal" he acted around his parents and others.. It is no wonder they don't think anything is wrong with him... they live in another state so they have only seen him twice during this whole thing... It sure makes you question your own take on everything.. but then I remember all of the crazy bs that he does when no one else can see...

I told a story to my S21 and his girlfriend at dinner on the trip about when we were dating when my D got pancake syrup all over him. H did not respond or react like he always used to ( i wasn't surprised) then a day later I heard him retelling the story to one of the grooms family members the night before the wedding and laughing about it.. (so he was listening)

Another thing I noticed was that he told our new granddaughter that our D got lost at his wedding when she was the flower girl (he didn't know I was near enough to hear) and then later when he told someone else.. he said at the last wedding I was at with D she got lost...( he knew I was in the room this time) my d said to him that was your wedding...

On the trip back he was cordial but could tell he was gearing himself back up to be distant again...

He left as soon as we got home to go get alcohol.

Tonight he came home with new vitamins and stuff he said to help his digestive system and helps with his mood...but was very talkative and I did as someone suggested on this site and just mirrored him with level of communication.

I took the day off today to recoup and pick up my keys to my new townhouse. I took a car load of things over. I put in shelf paper, and put up plates and cups and put together my new floor lamp ( lamp was a win today) it was $80 and then went up in price to $100.. it was on sale today for 70! :)

I plan on taking over a few boxes each day and unpacking them to make it easier when I do the big move the end of next week.

I am hoping to leave here on a positive note... but know that 1. he is already violating the court agreement since he now doesn't want the health insurance and he will find out he still has to pay until I can cancel him.. ( which might take a court order) and also when the neighbor gets the letter from my attorney telling her to stay off my property... I am sure those will rile him up...

This is all so bittersweet.. my leaving him and moving....but I have to remember that this wasn't my choice .. he made these decisions and that it isn't about me... My job right now is to try to find some real peace when I am in my own place ...

I do believe that God can restore my marriage, but that is not possible with his current state ... and I asked God to block my move if that was not part of His plan.. and the way cleared and I believe that my moving is part of His plan for my life and it is what I need.

and as always who knows what mysteries MLC land will reveal tomorrow but for now... I am thankful that we are being cordial, I am progressing toward my move, and I now have a son in law and 2 grandchildren.. it is so nice to have these positives..
Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #37 on: December 02, 2019, 08:51:07 PM »
Good Caroline I do believe God either clears the way or blocks it..as frustrating as that might be sometimes.

Now maybe you have some answers as to whether they can control their behavior or not. As you can see a difference in how he is with other people and how he is with you. Seems to control himself just fine with others ( it's a show he puts on)

I'm so glad you will be away from him and his energy soon.
I'm excited about your townhouse. peace yes you need peace and time to yourself.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #38 on: December 03, 2019, 12:51:06 AM »
They cycle, Caroline, so please keep your guard up before you move out. And do not let your brain persuade you for one minute that any of the crazy s$it you have seen your h do was not real bc it was. As init says, they control the masks they wear in front of others and use them to gaslight you. Do not gaslight yourself.

I think you will find the peace of feeling safe in your new home surprisingly powerful. I did not realise how much I had adapted to living with an underpinning of fear until I moved to somewhere safe. It was like my body and spirit breathed out.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #39 on: December 03, 2019, 08:13:46 PM »
Well H attorney sent an offer to my attorney today...

He keeps house equity and debt for house
He keeps his own debt
He keeps his debt he has for our youngest sons school
I get the sleep number bed( that was already decided in court a few weeks ago) but he now says he will pay for it, but i have to transfer my annuity worth more than is owed on the bed to him
He keeps his business and the debt for it
I get my pension..

I emailed my attorney back and said rephrase it how you want but He** no!

When I talked to my oldest S he said I figured he would do something like this .. I said why.. he said because you all actually got along and now that you are home.. he has to find a way to erase the positive and try again to get rid of you with some BS offer

I agree that he will definitely continue to cycle...

Took more from storage and set it up in the townhouse... and have loaded my car with boxes to take tomorrow...

One step at a time..

I know while I have done some focusing on myself... I have focused on H too and guess I needed to for me to know that I have done all that I could to save my marriage... still don't want to give up hope.. but living somewhere else will help me try to focus on me....

Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #40 on: December 04, 2019, 04:02:12 AM »
Yes it will help. You did all you could. Now when you get away from him go no contact , focus on you and then address this "offer" he's made you. ::)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #41 on: December 04, 2019, 03:20:57 PM »
Zinus makes the most comfortable mattress I´ve ever slept on for a bargain price and they sell the frames for it too- compare the zinus price with the amazon price and let your h have the bed- he can pay you 1/2 of its value.

Hope you´re locking the car after loading so he can´t put a tracking device in there.

Anywho- hope you are enjoying creating your own peaceful sanctuary.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #42 on: December 04, 2019, 07:35:35 PM »

@forthetrees right now I have no extra money... I have having to work a second job to make enough for the haul next week... The security deposit and rent over 3,000 wiped my savings out....and I am working on trying to rebuild my credit so I cannot buy a new bed right now... but he agreed in court that it was to go to me...He is just mad about it....He knows that I have been bad with money in the past.. but my credit is improving and his is getting worse because he has paid so much late and run up all his credit cards...not my problem...

Well he is on the MLC cycle train... Tuesday he ws concerned about eating healthy and working on his mood ( though not giving up alcohol)
and today he came home at 11:30 am sick slept all day ...I came home and started packing the kitchen and had to run out for an errand and when I cam home he left to go eat out... running again...

When he came home I asked him to help me with something ( I needed him to help me lift the table on it's side so I could take off the legs, it is extremely heavy). He said you really want me to help you after what you did today. I told him I didn't do anything. He said that because I paid the bed late that it cost his business $1,000 .. ( the loan is personal) it was due yesterday and he said it already went on my credit. ( I know it didn't). I said I got paid Friday when we were gone to the wedding and I did not have a check book. I asked for the log in to pay it online and you said no. And he said and your never going to get the log in. I said well that meant I had to mail check when we returned on Monday. SO it has been mailed. also on a side note the statement he provided from two months ago has a fee for him paying it late.. the irony...

Then he said I cost him $600 for his attorney to deal with the insurance crap. when he doesn't want the health insurance anymore. I told him yo can't request me to drop you on Thanksgiving day and think that the check that I get the next day will not deduct your insurance. ( court agreement was that he is to pay me his portion of the health insurance and bottom line... he didn't pay it....and I am holding him accountable.

So he said that he fired his attorney and he is hiring this other law firm to handle the divorce. Well one that will delay it further ... it also is interesting that the firm he identified that he says he hired handles only bankruptcy and not family law... he is ridiculous.

I said no more and was mature in my responses.

But on a positive note... uhaul is scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday next week.... I packed much of the kitchen tonight and took down a set of drapes. Since he wouldn't help with the table I just put it in the living room so I can use the dining area for boxes.

So I am packing as quick as I can and I dropped off a few more boxes at the townhouse....

It still seems surreal that I won't be living here after next week... and  it is so bittersweet......and vey emotional....I am trying to make sure that I keep my emotions in check around him ( don't want to start crying around him now)

I am really gonna miss the shell and and the man that I married even more... but I just have to remember that I did not make this choice and its is not about me...

I know that the initial transition is going to be hard and I am so thankful that I have you all for support...



Caroline

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #43 on: December 05, 2019, 01:38:13 AM »
Caroline,

The first week I spent in my new flat was a complete Mindfiretruck... On one side, I was so tired form the moving and unpacking, I fell asleep often when I'd sit down in the living room to drink a coffee... and wake up with a massive panic attack because of not having the faintest idea where I was for several minutes at first.... It was deathly quiet although my dog was still there but that was a change from 2 kids and 2 dogs... It was crushingly sad to be alone after 17 years of marriage, even though the woman I had married had long before left the building ... But there was also a sense of calm and peace that pervaded as I was no longer in the crosshairs of crazy, I only had myself to answer to, to be responsible for (until I got the kids' rooms set up and they started being with me overnight), I no longer had to walk on eggshells or avoid certain situations like being in the bathroom at the same time or trying to be polite and friendly to someone dead set on ignoring me at best or being snotty and snarky at worst.

It takes ... yep... THAT word again... TIME to adjust to the new situation but I have the feeling that you will be a whole lot more relaxed in short order once you are safely within your own four walls...
« Last Edit: December 05, 2019, 01:39:18 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #44 on: December 05, 2019, 09:42:43 PM »
Ursa,
 That makes so much sense and i imagine that may be exactly how I feel.. with the exception of no kids...

Mine are all grown.. so the silence will be defining for awhile...

My struggle in my mind right now is that I need to pack, I need to go drive to earn extra money and I need to unpack at the townhouse... but my heart wants me to sit in the living room with him because I have 6 more nights and then I won't sleep her anymore... I will have to come back to get more stuff but will mostly be during the day when I am off for Christmas break and he is at work...

I am guessing my feeling is normal... just my internal heart struggle today...

Right now I need to just put one footie front of the other and give myself grace right now...
Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #45 on: December 06, 2019, 04:13:50 PM »
Caroline, you describe so well those last days in the family home, and the last evenings shared with your H. I'm sure many LBSs will recognize what you're saying.

I would like to add weight to what UM said, in that his experience once he had moved, was pretty much like mine. I found that the sadness at facing the move, and the anticipation of having to leave my family home, (aggravated by the actual physical move itself), was far worse in the time leading up to the move, than once I was in the new place. I was surprised the first morning I woke in the new place at the sense of lightness I felt. It was much more peaceful, no eggshells, could do whatever I wanted, and I did. Changed things, made things a bit more like when I was young. There is much to be said about not having to see our Hs with their angry faces and the chance that anything can cause them to insult us, just like your H accusing you of paying the bed late and costing him, when he refused to give you the online credentials, which he can so easily change any time he wants. That was really passive aggressive of him. You won't have any of those angsty feelings in your tummy any more because he won't be in the room with you to make you feel bad about yourself. At least this was my experience. As much as I missed being married to my H, I did not miss living with the man he'd become the last few years before he left. My life is not what I wish it to be at the moment, but it is soooo peaceful.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #46 on: December 06, 2019, 08:19:45 PM »
Yes that first night alone in my apartment I comforted myself with the thought.
I might be alone, but at least I'm not being abused anymore.
I can breathe now.
It was a huge relief.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #47 on: December 06, 2019, 09:05:52 PM »
I am hanging on for those moments of peace..

All of you warned me that the closer it got to my moving out the more he would act out...

He still thinks I am moving on the 20th but... this morning he informed me that I needed to hire additional counsel that he was filing bankruptcy and he was meeting with them this week...

I emailed my attorney and she said that there was a bankruptcy attorney in their office and we could do a joint meeting...
She finally got an answer to the insurance money.. he is going to have a check to my attorney by Monday... of course he can't just hand it to me...

When I came home tonight our S21 was with me. and he told him that he needed to make sure he was ready to remove all the stuff out of the airplane hanger as he was filing bankruptcy... and once he filed everything would be locked down ... all the house hold furnishings everything....

We mentioned that this coming week is finals week for S21... and he is already having to help me move.. and now he has to worry about moving his airplane because of his dads bs??  Of course when he was telling him.. the kept looking at me in the kitchen because he wanted to make sure I was listening..I acted like I wasn't...

I asked later about transferring my gun to my name... he already agreed it was mine in court and he got snarky and told me to figure out how to do it myself... and to send it through my attorney... but of cours ehe just complained about having to pay his attorney for this stuff...

He said he wasn't going to file until the next week...( when he thinks I am moving).  Glad I will be out before that happens...
He said he was going to file personal and business... so what will he do for a job??? Of course I know nothing about bankruptcy...

We both own the house, but I am not on the mortgage....and the bed which I am getting ( the loan is in his name)... amazing he was so worried about his credit being dinging Tuesday and now he wants to file bankruptcy???

But the more I packed the more agitated he got and retreated to his room...he came out a few minutes ago and then came out again.. and I am packing the cleaning supplies from the hall closet ( mind you he has never cleaned anything) and he said "you know that stuff was not on your list for you to take... I said yes it was it said all items from hall closets. and I walked away...

SO he is really going to point out the cleaning supplies???? What will he do when I take the washer and dryer that are also in there??

But I feel he is escalating each day...it feels like he is purposely trying to  make himself angry...

So peace sounds really nice right now....



Caroline

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #48 on: December 07, 2019, 12:22:00 AM »
Caroline,

"Filing for bankruptcy" really is "filing for bankruptcy protection". It gives a person protection from their creditors while they get their financial affairs in order and make payments according to bankruptcy court. Some debt is forgiven.

As much as you can, please just get out of there. I slept on a blow up bed that I bought at Walmart for months and that worked really well until I got back on my feet. We are all going to feel better once you are safe in your new place.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2019, 12:23:20 AM by Reinventing »

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #49 on: December 07, 2019, 12:48:05 AM »
I am so sorry about this extra chapter in his chaos and self-destruction, Caroline. Your h is at war with the world and himself isn't he? But I am so relieved you are moving out very soon and I hope that you will keep your literal and metaphorical door closed to your h for a while once you do. Reinventing is right - and so is your gut instinct - we will all, including you and your kids, feel better when you are safely away from his anger and unpredictable chaos. This may be a real Christmas gift to you although I understand that it might not entirely feel that way....but removing ourselves from the risk of harm is a healthy choice and a sane one. Stuff is just stuff, and you matter more than stuff. Sending you an encouraging hug x
« Last Edit: December 07, 2019, 12:50:02 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #50 on: December 07, 2019, 02:39:49 AM »
I agree with Treasur.
Even if you say nothing or you react in some way it escalates their anger.  They self enrage and can do it over very minimal things.
If you can start to see his behavior get stranger as it's control issues ( example seeing you packing ) reality is starting to creep in it might make more sense? I

I've found that  if something makes no sense it's all about control. Kind of like he wants this divorce so why is he making a big deal over you packing cleaning supplies.

I'm so glad you will be out of there soon. Stuff is just stuff.Your safety is the most important thing.

I bought a camping cot to sleep on until I got my bed. As long as you have a safe roof over your head everything else can be gotten later. If you feel anything off, trust your gut and get out of there without him knowing about it.

 He's not going to get any better.Just worse.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #51 on: December 07, 2019, 03:25:04 AM »
Caroline, I'm so sorry this additional stress has appeared, the bankruptcy. And I'm so sorry for your S21. Poor kid. And it's Christmas. I'm so glad that you planned to move out earlier. I hope this gets you away from the disaster once everything is locked down. Such a shame the amount of destruction so many of these MLCers can do to their families and themselves. So many on here have been through bankruptcy, repossession, had absolutely nowhere to live since they couldn't afford to rent either. And this is after years of hard work and sacrifice.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #52 on: December 09, 2019, 03:39:53 AM »
Caroline,

Maybe this is pure speculation but....

Is his intent to declare bankruptcy, coupled with telling your S21 at this particular time, while watching you to see if you were listening, all part of the MLC-script ruse to get you to react?  I would NOT put it past a bat-snot bonkers Mid-Lifer to completely concoct such a story for the simple reason that it fills their need for drama... The fact that he is nit-picking about the contents of the hall closets would tend to add to this theory... To me, it feels as if it is a desperate ploy to keep you from moving or somehow control things over which he no longer has control...

Naturally, it could also be that he has run up so much debt in his crisis that he has to file for protection

You have already spoken to council about his threat so that is good. They are already informed if he DOES go down that road....

the sooner you are in your own 4 walls and away from the insanity, the better...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #53 on: December 09, 2019, 09:34:22 PM »
All thank you for the support!!!

Ursa you are spot on with how I am feeling.... on the ring doorbell I overheard him talking about how he has not decided whether or not he is filing ... but I do think he is feeling out of control...and while he has racked up a lot of cc debt (eating out) and money for his attorney and the private eye...

Another thing I realized is that him trying to avoid paying me for the insurance was his way of hoping i couldn't pay for the bed and then today he took the check to his attorney who had to deliver it to my attorney rather than just handing it to me.. it is all about control... but he is so worried about money... I am sure his attorney charged him to deliver the check... dumb....

Tomorrow and Wednesday are move days and as I have said he doesn't know it.. I am sure the OW ( who called him while I wAs sitting in the living room with him last night ) will call or text him that there is a uhaul here... I won't miss living next to the cheating "reporter"

I must admit I am really sad tonight... it is a mix of so many emotions and today would have been my moms birthday ( she passed away 6 years ago) which just adds to it...

Tomorrow he will know that I have begun moving out..may not know when I will finish but will know ...at least I won't be alone in the house if he reacts... ( my oldest S) who doesn't like him will be here and he will put him in his place if he starts with me.

Those of you who moved away from your MLCer... did you say goodbye or leave a note? 

Just trying to sort that out in my head....
Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #54 on: December 10, 2019, 01:23:18 AM »
No.  Other than an email in which told him if he ever came near me again I'd have him arrested among several other things.

This was after I got a few of my things back from him and the games and control started.
Any emotion is lost on them anyway. To them it makes you look weak.

He'll be contacting you. If you are to get any peace and be left alone to work through your emotions more than likely you'll have to throw up a boundary of no contact. It will be better for you if you do.

Make sure you take everything you want. You do not want to have to go back to the house to get anything.

I'm glad your son will be there with you. From here on in ( after you leave) I wouldn't spend any time around your soon to be ex without a witness present.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Milly

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #55 on: December 10, 2019, 01:38:38 AM »
Good luck with your move, Caroline. I hope it goes smoothly. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, these will be very hard days, your emotions will likely be the most they've been since BD. But look at so many of us here who have been through the house move already and are doing better, this should give you hope that you will be ok.

Ignore your H. No goodbyes or loving words. As In it said, he will think you are weak. Be strong and appear (fake it 'till you make it) determined to move on to a new life he will have no part of. Of course you still love him and are going to miss him terribly, but faking it does work for us. You have to make a new life for yourself whether you like it or not, so appear as if it were your choice. Start visually letting him go. He doesn't get to have bites of Caroline any more.

Sending you hugs and strength. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #56 on: December 10, 2019, 02:12:50 AM »
Hope the move goes well. We are all thinking of you.
I'm glad too that your son will be there. And echo others thoughts about no need for a note. This is not a situation of your making but his, and although I hope that you refuse to have any contact with him other than via your L, I am sure it will not be the last your hear from him.

I hope I am wrong but echo what init says about trying to move everything important in one day, prioritise the important stuff. It is very likely, if your h follows the textbook, that he will be very angry that you are 'winning' by moving out earlier than he thought and may act accordingly. And that ow neighbour will tell him of course. Please do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Keep your L informed. Please don't persuade yourself that your h is not currently angry, controlling and not entirely rational or that any of this is normal or your fault. If you can, please move as much as you can in one day and never go back to the house again alone. Call the police if you are afraid or at risk.

We are thinking of you, Caroline....it will get better from here.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #57 on: December 11, 2019, 11:06:57 PM »
If I'm remembering correctly, this should be end of day 2 of the move. Has anyone heard from Caroline?

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #58 on: December 12, 2019, 02:21:03 AM »
Not me..not privately.
Maybe we'll hear something today.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #59 on: December 12, 2019, 02:57:07 AM »
She may or may not have Internet/Phone service in her new place yet, depending on where she is and the local Service Providers. She also may not be setting up a PC as her first priority but rather a bed and her kitchen as sleep and food are MUCH higher on the priority list than updating the Forum... Just speaking from experience here...

I don't recall whether or not she has ever posted from a cell phone either... So, yeah, keep an eye out but no expectations just yet...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #60 on: December 12, 2019, 09:30:16 PM »
When I logged in tonight.. your posts made me cry... it made me feel loved !!!

So I will recap the last two days...

Day 1- slow start just organizing to prepare to load took longer than expected and the weather changed from 66 and warm to 33 and snowing for the day of the move so had to go buy work gloves etc... the boys were determined to get me out in one day and I told then there was way too much but they took down my bed determined I would never sleep there again... for me I had not prepared myself for that but the boys ripped off the bandaid...and then my oldest stayed with me which helped.. we worked until about midnight and started at 8 am the next day...

Day two we moved a load for storage and then a load for the townhouse...I have a ton of crap I need to go through but not surprising after almost 25 years of marriage... S31 left at 2pm to return to where he lives... We unloaded the last truck load at 3:oo am , returned the uhaul and showered and got in bed about 4;30 and got up at 6 to go to work and had to work the BB game tonight so just got home...

Tomorrow I get internet and tv.... so only working a half day...

we have a small trailer so it may take a few more small trips to get the outdoor furniture, the rest of my S21s furniture and a few odds and ends... H told S21 he didn't have to take his stuff...S21 didnt say anything to h but told me I don't want anything here..

H reaction was priceless when he arrived home to a uhaul in the driveway..I would say he was shocked..... he immediately wanted to know where S21 was and went in our master to find the boys taking the bed apart and he knew I was leaving that night... he never spoke to S21, but only to s31... (S 31 and him have never gotten along and S31 can't wait to never see him again.. S 21 is our biological child and H won't really speak to him). He hid himself in his office after that all night... When I left to go take my clothes to the townhouse with my friend... H went in and told the boys they needed to be careful with the bed and that I hadn't even paid for it yet ( h had to make one more comment, I am sure it is because he is mad I got the bed and he didn't win that in court....

when we left Day 1 for the final trip that night... we could see on the ring doorbell h left and came back with a large bottle of patron... I looked through cabinets to make sure I had stuff and sadly he has hidden the patron...I guess so all the friends I have there can't see him drinking.. guess one more way to control the narrative...

Day two began with a phone call asking the boys to bring down the coffee table and end tables from upstairs..I told them hell no.. he didn't help them with anything and that he create this mess so he could figure it out...He just wants to use them and we had too much to do..when H came home he told me that the island wasn't on my list and I just said it was not on the list of what I was leaving.....(my friend bought it for 100 dollars)

I got a phone call and then H started trying to talk to S21... who retreated as soon as possible and asked me to please come rescue him.. that he didnt want to talk to him ( breaks my heart because they were so close) but this was all H's choices... and that is one of the consequences...

Tonight H removed the ring doorbell and logged me out of the security system...we found out yesterday that he had hooked up the outside camera to watch us loading ... I unplugged it when I found out...

The rooms I finished I cleaned and took pictures and have taken pictures of the items I was to leave him so he can't say I took them....When I finish I will be sending those to my attorney...

Other than that H never spoke to me ... I will have to make room in my garage to bring over more... so the plan tomorrow is to unpack ...security system will be in tomorrow... That will make me feel better...

I think I am too physically exhausted and emotionally numb to realize i don't live there anymore....

He is truly alone in the house now because all the pets left last night....

I guess it is normal to think will he even care that I am gone... how could he be so cold... I know I will miss him...

But my goal is to focus on unpacking, after next Thursday I am off for two weeks... so want to get up a Christmas tree.... find my shoes.. ( only have one pair out) and try to create a new normal...

My emotional check in

Night 1: dead tired and had S31 here to distract me when I went to bed.
Night 2: how fast can I sleep ( knew I only had a little time)
Night 3: I am alone....I feel loved knowing you all were checking on me and sad .. honestly wondering if he is even thinking about me at all... I guess that is normal...

The silence here is awful without tv or anyone else... I haven't lived alone in 32 years and I can honestly say I am excited to start setting up but sad I had to do this without him

I am safely in my new place... and I won't go back to the house alone....

Please continue to share your wisdom as I make this transition ...





Caroline

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #61 on: December 12, 2019, 10:47:32 PM »
Caroline, thank you for checking in and letting us know. Please see if you can take only 1 more trip and thanks for assuring us you won't go back alone.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #62 on: December 13, 2019, 01:10:14 AM »
Caroline, so pleased to hear you are ok and that your sons supported you so well.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #63 on: December 13, 2019, 01:55:10 AM »
Whew, so glad that you are out. You did well and are doing just fine. :)

Now no contact. He is going to continue to try to control whatever he can. From the legalities right on through to the bottle of Windex you took.  ::)

Do not entertain any "Oh gee. we can work something out on the side without the lawyers". From here on out anything he tries will be an attempt at manipulation.

 No responses to anything. I'd go as far as to change my phone number. He doesn't need it.

This is what he wanted.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #64 on: December 13, 2019, 02:22:04 AM »
I had the feeling you'd be p to your ears in moving. I remember what my first 48 hours were like as well... Bed, food, and clothes were the first order of the day... 

Glad you are out of there and that there isn't that much left to get. I suspect that you'll need to get the stuff you want out of there pronto as I expect he'll change the physical locks as quickly as possible to control anything remaining in the house...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #65 on: December 13, 2019, 02:24:45 AM »
Caroline, I'm so pleased to hear you managed to get everything out that you wanted and how great your two boys are!! Wish I could tell them so myself in person!

Your move was exhausting but so well planned between you and the boys. Your list of how you have felt the first couple of nights feels very familiar. I am also now alone for the first time in my life. It takes some adjusting. If you can see your boys on a regular basis it will help a lot. Internet and TV on really helped S and I when we moved to our first place after the family home. Once the TV came and there were voices, there was company.

I love your plans for when you get off work: sort out the place and put up your tree. I really believe that once you get into it, you will get pleasure out of creating a place that is just you for the first time in many years. You can arrange it any silly way you want.

But I do understand the sad feelings and the wishing you were moving into a new place with your H. I could bet on it that he is thinking of you every day at the moment. My H admitted to his sister that he was really sad after he moved out, but it was his choice after all.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #66 on: December 13, 2019, 06:21:42 AM »
You did it! You are safe! Now you get to create your own sanctuary. Yes, there is still the grief of losing what you had wanted and valued. With distance and the lack of the daily intimidation, you will heal and have a perspective on the marriage, h, and yourself that will allow you to find a narrative that conserves your sense of worth.
me 51
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M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #67 on: December 17, 2019, 07:39:00 AM »
Caroline - just wanted to check in and see how you are?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #68 on: December 19, 2019, 08:18:40 AM »
Well the past week has been filled with moving and unpacking.. I have made huge progress in unpacking.. but still have lots to go here.. but trying to purge and organize at the same time... I want my space to be more functional than I have ever been so that my life won't be filled with managing stuff.

The majority of the household is in storage and we have to reorganize so we can combine the old storage with this one on Saturday and then I have to go for one more trip to the house...

When we went back on Saturday .. I went in with trepidation with my heart anticipating seeing he had gone on with his life without me...
but what I saw was a  man who had changed nothing with a few exceptions.. he brought down he tv he got which doesn't work right... and an end table from upstairs... his bed is still in the guest room...he still has his stuff in the hall bathroom... he hasn't bought anything (like trash bags or dish soap, or a spatula...but he did buy alcohol.... My logical mind said afterward did you really expect him to go buy stuff to set up his household?? mire evidence that he is not functional...

he kept coming to where we were working and asking us what we were doing and he had plagued in the outdoor camera again.. not sure if he thinks i will come by while he isn't there, or take things he is supposed to keep... or if he is just paranoid...

This last trip on Sunday will be multiple mini trips in our small trailer, but then it will  be finished...

My S21 worked with H on Monday and of course he tried to tell him that his business is worth -300 thousand (H just paid for a business evaluation and that wasn't true) and then said if he can't make that much profit then he would lose the company... and that he would need a personal loan to save it and he couldn't do that because of the divorce....( projecting his own issues on me again)

S21 also overhead h on the phone saying he had sold 7% of the business...

I am unpacking and unpacking.. I am physically exhausted... today is the last day of school and I will  be off for two weeks....that will help me get unpacked and more settled

Last night was the first night my son didn't come over to help me... it sure was quiet but I stayed busy... I told my counselor yesterday that I am worried about when the unpacking is done the quiet and lack of unpacking is going to leave open the emotions as right now I am numb... I just don't want to hurt anymore but he told me it is a natural part of the grief process.... The counselor also told me to leave at least one thing I either don't care about or was planning to leave anyway and mention to my S that i will need to come back... the counselor said that if he thinks I am not coming back anymore that he will begin to try to antagonize me through my S or some other way... once the 27th hits I can't go back anymore... just don't know what he may do...

it is odd to me that he has been silent thus far and hasn't tried to do anything apparent for control..

And my honest self must admit.. I am wondering what he is thinking ... if he even cares that I am gone.... While I am trying to focus on me and I am a lot... those thoughts are still there... I know I will need to make some new friends and find some new activities...

But feel like I need to get settled a bit more...

Christmas is my favorite time of year and I always have a huge party and have up all my trees and decorations, and do christmas up big... even last year I wAs able to do most of it.. but financially I have no money for gifts right now...and haven't even gotten up one tree... another thing I feel like he robbed me of this year...

I think part of my issue is I have been numb so my emotions are all building up inside...












Caroline

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #69 on: December 19, 2019, 04:49:49 PM »
You have zee pooch and that is a lot. Not sure I agree with counselor´s advice to leave something behind- sounds manipulative and insincere- but hey, I am not a counselor.

I do not celebrate xmas but do love the scent of balsam fir so I got a candle from the Thyme co. and it is on my nightstand. Each inhale is loverly.

Peace,
FTT
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #70 on: December 19, 2019, 05:02:05 PM »
I'm gonna say he's probably going to try to bully you and  whatever else he can anyway.

Even if it's a "How are you doing?"..it's not sincere. Just a manipulation tactic.

Any communication he tries to make document or save and send it right to your lawyer. Save everything.

If he keeps it up?
File a complaint of harassment against him.

You need time by yourself without his interferance.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #71 on: December 21, 2019, 10:51:20 PM »
I am really struggling tonight... I started decorating a tree...and I couldn't even finish... I am trying to

I went to the storage unit and reorganized it ( that took all day).. went through a bunch and purged some...definitely not enough..but it is a start... cooked dinner for my S21 then away a bit more.....

I have to work on the garage again tomorrow to make room for the rest of the stuff from the house...I am again anxious that I will see him having moved now without me...

I am really struggling tonight... I started decorating a tree...and I couldn't even finish... I am trying to stay busy and have asked friends to help me, to defer the sadness but I have lost most of my friend through this craziness....They all couldn't wait for me to leave and now that I have .. they are no where to be found...

I get how the holidays can be the worst time of the year now... I am really trying to see the positives in leaving and there are some... but I miss my husband... I get he is just a shell of the man I knew ... I am just hurting and sad right now...





Caroline

Offline nah

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #72 on: December 21, 2019, 11:08:22 PM »
Hi Caroline, I’m working an overnight shift and when I saw that someone posted at this time I figured it must be someone struggling. I’ll be honest, I’m not familiar with your situation so I’m trying to catch up with your threads.

While I catch up I can tell you this...

We are the same age, my husband left 7 years ago and I was devastated, the holidays were the worst, the second Christmas he was gone was worst than the 1st bc both my kids moved out by then.

Life is so much better for me now, and it will be for you too. The Holidays are only for a few weeks, you have plenty of time to feel like yourself again. Have a glass of wine, take a bath, who cares if the decorations aren’t up? You will smile again, I promise.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2019, 11:09:44 PM by nah »
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
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Offline Reinventing

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #73 on: December 21, 2019, 11:59:31 PM »
Caroline,
You are at one of the tougher parts of this. It will get better, but that doesn't make it easier right now.

One suggestion is to see if there is a divorce recovery group you can join. Even though they dont focus on MLC or reconciliation, they are all going through the pain of separation, changed dreams for the future, and creating their new lives. My group met for dinner in addition to the weekly meetings. It was very helpful and I forged some friendships there. I also walked once a week with one participant so that 3 times a week (meeting, dinner, walk) was occupied with other people who were also hurting.
« Last Edit: December 22, 2019, 12:02:50 AM by Reinventing »

Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #74 on: December 22, 2019, 12:04:15 AM »
Caroline, I am sorry that you are struggling but not surprised at all. Just as Nah says. Adrenaline and good thinking have got you out of a confusing, abnormal and frightening living situation. It is inevitable that there is a down drop after that. This stuff sucks and I won't pretend it doesn't. And you are probably both physically and emotionally exhausted.

Fall back on basics now; don't worry too much about some things like decorating.
Be gentle with yourself. Sleep, food, breathe, day at a time, keep yourself safe. Not a time to make big decisions or try to figure everything out, more a time to breathe out and recharge your batteries. It's ok to feel how you feel and it is normal. You have done well to get to here. And just as Nah says, with time and more small steps, life will get easier and better. But this bit is a hard bit, we know.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Milly

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #75 on: December 22, 2019, 03:48:06 AM »
Caroline, just here to send you support. Everyone else has already given you great advice. You have done so much that you are exhausted. A house move would be a very traumatic experience in itself if you weren't comparing it to BD, so no surprise that you are emotionally overwhelmed right now.

I'm going to say that my second Christmas was worse than my first, too. Now I'm 5.5 years later, Christmas is still not what it used to be, but the pain has died down sooo much. This is something I've been meaning to post on my own thread because when we're still early in this, it feels like it will never stop hurting. I'm going to say that now I miss having my H to share things with, but I'm no longer hurting. Even when we don't get what we want, we do feel better. You will get there, too. Just keep facing one day at a time.

Big, big hugs to you today. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #76 on: December 22, 2019, 06:28:25 AM »
Caroline,
Please give this a try: https://chopra.com/articles/guided-meditations
They are free guided meditations for different circumstances and they replace the negative thought loops that bring you down with positive affirmations that literally change how you feel. It is so worth a try.

You have been through so much in such a short period of time and your fight/flight response has had to engage numerous times. Self-soothing is key. Will it be music, singing, nature, cooking, a massage or self-massage, exercise, prayer, a book, a warm blanket, snuggling with pooch, etc.? Walks with the dog can be very healing. Take your camera and try to look up and find things you would have never spotted otherwise. Try going at the dog´s pace and tuning into what he/she is so engaged in. Be in the present moment and you then you cannot be monkey braining- at least some of the time.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #77 on: December 23, 2019, 11:48:42 PM »
I do agree that I am emotionally and physically exhausted...

The first week I fell asleep out of exhaustion and the last few nights.... I am falling asleep and then waking up in the middle of the night ... thinking about H and can't turn my mind off....and after all the craziness that was so constant .. it is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop... while it is a good thing that H hasn't done anything that I am aware of... it is just kinda eerie that he is silent....

I am so worried about my S21.. he is working for my H ( he needs the money) and H can put on the fake face at work ( he is not interacting on a personal level, but it is hard to distinguish the face when one wants so badly to have a relationship again). I fell for the false face so many times out of sheer desperation of a spark of hope just to come crashing down as H cycled and I realized that it was not what I thought. I am afraid that the same will happen to him. He loves his dad and it hurts to see him walking down that same path and know that he will be hurt...

The tree is finally decorated and I have continued to unpack and organize...

I still haven't gone over to the house to retrieve the remainder of my things... S21 has to go with the trailer and he has been working every day... but I have to have everything out by the 27th. I have to get the internet equipment tomorrow to return it so I don't get charged.. so S21 is going to call me when H is on the job site so I can run over to get it.. I AM SO ANXIOUS about going...

Today I grocery shopped for Christmas dinner and had major panic attacks... just knowing he won't be with us..it just hurts...

I do believe all of you when you say that this is the worst part and that it will get better.... but it just doesn't feel like that right now... All I can see is what I have lost... and while my logical mind knows that this is not about me or our marriage ... that this is about him...my emotional self is feeling like a total failure to have lost H, his family, and people that I really believed were my friends ...

It does help to be able to share here and be able to share my feelings and get them out so they aren't swimming in my head...

I think the advice to focus on the basics and taking things one day at a time helped me with some perspective... I feel like I can't think much beyond tomorrow right now...

I have always made Christmas a huge deal and love giving gifts and making it up big.. while my boys all say that they understand money is tight and it is ok that it is different this year.. It is me allowing myself that grace that is the hard part...

@For the trees: I will try the mediation ... I think part of what I am feeling is that I am hurting so bad and can't see who I am on the other side of this right now ....except alone

While I wish I could get real hugs from all of you.... I am grateful for your care, your perspective, and your virtual hugs...

Caroline

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #78 on: December 24, 2019, 12:38:31 AM »
Caroline,

I got the Nuclear Bomb Drop on 3rd Advent so less than 2 weeks before Christmas. We had Christmas dinner together and then I was uninvited to spend our traditional Christmas time with xW's family so I spent the week following Christmas alone while xW and the kids were gone.... Christmas the following year, I was already in my own flat so that one was hard for me as well. I was simply going through the motions and had even set up the table for all of us (incl. xW) without really realizing it. When I took that 4th place setting back off the table, I felt like my world again came crashing down on my head...

It does, however, get better with... yes... THAT word again ... TIME.

Moving is one of the top 3 stressors that can lead to situational depression. Separation/Divorce is even higher in the list (#2 - Number 1 is loosing a spouse to death) so practicing self-care is viatl at this point.

In addition, as FTT pointed out, you have been in "fight or flight" mode for months on end now and you are essentially coming to the end of it. You have gotten the essential things out of the house and what is left is the remnants that you need to retrieve. Therefore you are about 95% out of harms way... This will certainly result in your body beginning to throttle back on the constant Adrenaline Rush you have been in for a LONG time so you can well anticipate some sort of crash once your physical mind catches up to the conscious mind and realizes you are in a much safer place than you were.

Quote from: Caroline
I do believe all of you when you say that this is the worst part and that it will get better.... but it just doesn't feel like that right now... All I can see is what I have lost... and while my logical mind knows that this is not about me or our marriage ... that this is about him...my emotional self is feeling like a total failure to have lost H, his family, and people that I really believed were my friends ...
Uhmmmmmm ... Wait a second....  Did you CHOOSE to "loose" H, his family, and the friends that have left? I don't think so... This loss is due to HIS choices, not yours.  How, then, did you "loose" them? They CHOSE to leave. they were not driven away by you or by your actions... They CHOSE to act the way they are acting.... Therefore, how can THEIR actions, THEIR choices be YOUR failure? See what I am getting at? You did NOT control their actions, you did NOT control their choices, you did NOT force them to do what they are doing. That means, quite bluntly, that is it THEIR failure, NOT yours!  A bit of mirror work perhaps to retrain your emotional self to accept Caroline for what she is and ONLY for what she is rather than taking on the responsibility for others (over which you have NO control whatsoever!).

It goes back a bit to "Control what you can, let go of what you can't." And what you can control is your own life, your own emotions, your own expectations, your own outlook.  Look at it this way (for example) - The person formerly known as H has decided to go off and have an affair and shag the next-door neighbor. H has chosen to gaslight you in ways that would make Jeffery Dahmer look nearly sane. Your H has chosen to be manipulative, untrustworthy, and controlling.  In that same time, YOU have chosen to protect yourself, found a place to live, gotten basically moved into that place, and set yourself up to continue with your life.

That, to me, sounds like someone who is strong, strong enough to look after their own needs and see them for what is important. To me, that sounds like someone who is able to take a hand full of crap cards and turn them into a Flush. To me, that sounds like someone who is breaking the chains that have bound them into an unhealthy situation and is choosing to learn how to fly again... and THAT, is a beautiful thing, especially at Christmas time....

Take the time you need to recover your strength, both physically and mentally. Take the time needed to become reacquainted with the REAL Caroline who has been hiding behind Door Number 3 for <x> years while being the W and Mom Caroline.

Yes, it IS scary to take those first steps out into the bright light of day and yes, it is a real struggle to do that at times that remind us of years gone by, especially around holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays but it IS possible... Start off small, shoot the wolf closest to the sled first (take care of the most time-sensitive and critical things first) ad the rest will come later...

{{{{{{BEAR HUG}}}}}}
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #79 on: December 24, 2019, 01:13:21 AM »
UM is very wise.
Your exhausted brain is trying to tell you different, but what he says is the truth.
These things have happened to and around you, but NOT bc of you.
After all, if you had made them happen, you would have been able to make them un-happen right? And you couldn't. That is the truth of things. I think our brains tend to do this for a while bc it creates an illusion of control, that if something was our failure we might be able to fix it.
The failure is not yours to own, Caroline.

Please stay safe in retrieving any of your last possessions and ideally have someone with you bc, frankly, your h is unpredictable and unsafe right now.
Please trust that your son will eventually find his own way of seeing how things really are when he is ready. Bc crazy can't hide for too long and when you are not around to rage at or blame, your h will let it out elsewhere and other people will see how things are.
Please trust too that real friends will reconnect with you after this time of confusion and if they don't, they were not real friends but acquaintances and you have lost nothing of real value.

And Christmas? Try to reframe it a little that the person who is losing here is your h and that, even without all the Christmas glitz, some of the things that really matter will be sitting at your new table.
It will get better, Caroline. Baby steps.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #80 on: December 24, 2019, 05:13:22 AM »
Everything Ursa and Treasur said.

Good job getting the Christmas tree decorated.
Its easy to get overwhelmed since fight or flight has been going on so long. All I felt was loss the first time around, the second all I felt was relief. You will get there.
Moving is highly stressful plus everything else you are going through. Take breaks when you need to.

And please be careful going back there.If someone can't go with you, call law enforcement and ask for an escort. Sounds over the top, but better safe than sorry.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2019, 05:47:00 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #81 on: December 24, 2019, 02:59:07 PM »

Thanks for holding my hand through this... it means a lot and helps that you all understand... I went back for the internet equipment but went with a friend.   Since he has the camera on she suggested we take her car and I drive. ( she has a two seater sports car mercedez- benz) she said it would give him something to think about and it made me smile...

H has managed to purchase a trash can and coffee maker and a new tv... but he moved more stuff into the guest room so weird you would think he would have moved into the master by now... my leftover from a seafood restaurant from three days prior to my move however are still in the fridge and it smells awful...

But he was not home .. he did have christmas cards for all the kids... but the boys say they have no intention of going over there....
S21 and his best friend and I will be going on Thursday afternoon evening to retrieve my last things...

Tonight will be my first night alone on Christmas eve ever.... the townhouse I live in is built around a restaurant and I have not been yet so if it is open I figure it is a good night to show my face...

Thanks so much for helping me through this... I am grateful!

Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #82 on: December 24, 2019, 03:07:59 PM »
Yes go treat yourself to something good at the restaurant!
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #83 on: December 24, 2019, 03:27:52 PM »
If you see another solo diner, you could ask if they´d like company. Who knows, you could meet someone the universe was throwing in your path for a reason.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #84 on: December 27, 2019, 06:48:03 AM »
checking in

I did go to dinner at hibachi and sat with a big family and they said you are alone you can talk to us and they did...it was nice but I cried all the way home and I cried all night wrapping gifts...

Christmas was good the boys came and we had a nice time.... it was nice to have people in the house and to make a meal for them all..

the morning was the best.. It was just the boys and I and we haven't had that in years...

after they al left it was like a ton of bricks hit me ... that isolation...

the day after brought it challenges and anxiety....cleaned out more of the garage and made room for my refrigerator...
S21 his best friend and I went to the house to retrieve my things... I made a list and stayed outside while the boys went in to start inside.. I began gathering all my things...

eventually I went in and he just glared at me.. when I was there the other day I noticed he indoor camera was no longer in its back in his bedroom... last night I found it.. he has it in his office facing out so he could see if I came to the house and took anything while he wasn't there... glad I only went once to get the internet equipment.... he gets to watch nothing...

SO I began placing my stuff on the porch and blocked the camera's view...

S21 is taking the patio table and dog house to his house and we didn't have room so I told H that S would come get it and he didn't respond at first and then finally did.. I recorded it ...he was acting arrogant.

I was getting my food from the fridge and he said some of that is bad and  it is beginning to smell.. my brain is thinking why didn't you throw it away.. then he came back through and said that cider is bad too... and I am thinking why are you now trying to talk to me

then he continued to come outside and just stand there while we were getting my stuff.. I just kept telling S21 to get this and that... and he kept asking questions to S21...I told him to ge the big wreaths and H said I though you got all out of the attic....

I intentionally walked out and told S21 we would need to get ice for the freezer stuff since it would probably not hold up for the hour ride.( remember S21 had tried the first night of the move to say it was an hour drive) H turned and looked at me and said an hour? what's an hour away.. I said my house..... H says why? I said that is where my house is... you could tell he was surprised but he bought it... he then told s21 and his friend after I went back in that it was ridiculous that I have them doing this so late at night and then expect them to drive of ran hour when they both have to work in the morning ( well S21 has been working for H company  everyday even Christmas eve.. so when did he expect him to move me.. and it was like 8:10 pm... H asked son's best friend what id she move out past  and named a suburb and S21 friend said I don't know it is somewhere in the major city we live near... like he didn't know for sure... 

When my best friend and her husband came he came out.. said hi to her and then picked up bubble wrap and a small 5 x 5 shadow box and carried it to the truck.. wow you are gonna "help" now.. still trying to act like the good guy in front of others...

I had to follow my heart to say goodbye... I just know if he is out driving drunk and something happens I would live with regret
I took the shirt I bought him this summer for Christmas and left it over the chair in his office ( he probably won't even notice and didn't say anything about it)
I asked to talked to him right before I left... he came to the other room.. I told him you won't be here when I come back for my other things (and I have to go drop off the cable boxes in my trunk today)... so i hope you have a goo life, i hope you get everything you want... and it is ok if I kiss you goodbye.. he leaned down and kissed me on the lips like a kiss goodbye when you leave for the day) and I left.. don't know what he thought couldn't tell...but he blew up our life ( while my voice was cracking .. I am sure he knew I was sad.. he int see me cry)

As soon as we were beginning to close up the trailer... he went in closed the door and shut out the lights ( 8:41 pm)

I am very sad it was so hard... but glad all that I have to do is drop off the boxes....and then  I won't have to go back there...

Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #85 on: December 27, 2019, 07:20:57 AM »
Oh sweetie. I'm glad you had a family that made you feel welcome at Christmas. I understand the crying through the holiday. The first one was really bad for me too.

Glad you got to spend time with your sons. Focus on those memories.

If it helps you make peace in case something happened, I guess your heart was in the right place with your goodbye.

Now that you will not have to go back to the house or even see him, I'm not saying things will be easier, but it will be different.
Take time for you. Be kind to yourself.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #86 on: January 04, 2020, 11:12:02 PM »
More boxes are unpacked ....

To be honest I am really still struggling... This transition is so  much harder than I anticipated and still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with H

My son and I went to Home depot here on new years day to get the stuff to build my sewing table and we walk to the end of the aisle and there stands my H. He barely spoke to S21 but wouldn't even look at me or speak... I began having a panic attack and was just frozen.(H didn't notice)..and it just hurt also bad...  I haven't run into him in town the entire time we have lived here.... why now?

S21 has been working for him and he is falling for the green eyed monster and is now taking it out on me... he of course wants to report to me what he observes... and since s21 won't talk at all about it to anyone.. I listen to allow him to not keep it all in... but I know it doesn't help me to know what H is doing... i want to know but I don't...

But what s21 has told me is that he is fixing up the house and told S that he wants to keep it but will probably have to sell it... and he has bought a collage frame about family and love and has pictures in it and S says I think he is coming out of it... h told his workers to take the day off so they could all go to church tomorrow. he told one of the workers that he was looking at church A but decided not to go there as it was too big.. so glad because church A is where I go...

I am not a person that can discern meanings of dreams...and I have not had a dream in over a year until the other night... maybe someone who can will shed some light on it...
In the dream H and i were remarrying ...it was like H had to for a purpose ( he was not happy and didn't want to) we were just in street clothes and he told me after it was over he and the kids were leaving for a trip without me... and the dream ended.


I know I am stuck.. I can't seem to refocus on me right now...it seems easier to focus on me when i was there....I am feeling devastated right now... I guess I am feeling the weight of all of it now.... and feel that no one I know (my friends or family) get it ... they all just expect me to be fantastic now that I am out...

I know that this is going to take time.... but it does help to get it out

Caroline

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #87 on: January 04, 2020, 11:55:16 PM »
Caroline,

Know that what you are feeling is very normal. I'm not going to be able to say anything to take away the pain. But know this--you won't always feel this way and it will get better. Many people on this site can attest to that.

For me, exercise was a life saver and I found YouTube clips that made me laugh that I watched when I couldn't sleep. I also joined a divorce recovery group and that helped a lot. I made sure that every day I had contact with someone and I took long walks with my dog, even outside of swimming and running.

Every day I managed myself with the goal of healing as best that I could. Things got easier and better, but it took time.
« Last Edit: January 04, 2020, 11:56:40 PM by Reinventing »

Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #88 on: January 05, 2020, 02:06:31 AM »
The fact that you see being out is better is a good sign, Caroline.
But you may need some boundaries on what you are prepared to discuss with S21 for a little while until you find your emotional feet? And to be fair, he is working his way through this and with the best will in the world you can't be an unbiased listener so he might find it helpful to talk to someone else if he is struggling. And if he is trying to get you to 'buy' a particular story that doesn't feel like your story and isn't helpful? It's ok to accept that but to also say no thank you to certain conversations. Boundaries and detachment work with all kinds of different relationships lol.

As Reinventing says, I'm not sure you're stuck, just at that stage where reality bites and you are perhaps expecting a bit much of yourself. Not unusual to have a dip after a period of intense action either. Take it slow and steady. One day at a time with the aim of making each day a tiny bit better than the previous one. Do you have an IC to help you think out loud and process somebof the normal big emotions, particularly if you are having panic attacks?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #89 on: January 05, 2020, 06:20:08 AM »
Caroline, I agree that what you are feeling is normal for what you've been through recently. I remember that feeling that shoe could drop at any moment. I thought I would always live like that. It took me a few years to get passed that. I can't remember if it was at the 3 or 4 year point that I stopped walking around with the feeling that a new bad was going to happen.

I think the stage you're in is a very difficult one. Moving out of the family home is a hugely traumatic experience. It's going to bring many up and down cycles. Just accept them.

I'm sorry you bumped into your H in the store. I'm sure it brought anxiety for your H too and that is why he couldn't look at you. Probably lots of guilt.

Just keep organizing your new place and have a schedule for your own life. Let your H do his crisis.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #90 on: January 10, 2020, 11:17:44 PM »
So I have traversed the last few weeks and it has been hard to say the least.. I have cried everyday and been so depressed.... I went back to work and it was so good for me and I felt Wednesday that I took a step up to move out of the valley.. I know it will take many steps but it was a first... I went back to church after a two month hiatus do to the wedding and jus pure physical exhaustion and that was so good as well....

a second piece of good news is that my biological mom whom I found in early November came to see me yesterday and is staying with me and so I met her for the v very first time yesterday!! it has been awesome!!! She will be here until Tuesday...

Another thing is part of my reaction to H today.... I have not heard from him and have been waiting for the other shoe to drop .. I even realized I left the rack to the ventless logs at the house ( which I need to sell them) and texted him and asked for him to put them on the porch which I did very nicely.. I got no reposes but when I went by it was there along with his creepy indoor camera that he placed outside to watch me get it.. I texted and told him I picked it up and thanks...

But today my Lawyer emailed and his attorney emailed here asking for papers that she didn't send him like I didn't do it.. even asked for my 2019 tax return .. we can't even file until february... But H has accused me of removing a considerable amount of items not on my list from the home .. the kitchen island (it didn't come with the house and it was mine) he hated it.... and it was not on my list to take nor on the list of what I was leaving him and I told the guy who valued the house that it was not staying so he did not include it in the value ...and he said I took kitchen shelving ( i took an over the door rack for the pantry).. his L said he would provide a list next week of items but hoped to resolve it without filing a motion. ( the only other thing H had sid anything about was the windex that time )

His Lawyer said that he could not understand why i continued to reject his clients proposal ( of no money for the house and that I would keep my pension and wouldn't have to pay any of his business debt that the offer was too much in my direction his opinion and since they were unable to set a trial date ( they are changing judges so they can't set it for trial oil maybe April) that we could end up in from of the special magistrate again which would run up my costs.

Well first off the business is a marital asset in the fact that he invested our money in the company, but my name is not on the company and he admitted that he is solely responsible for all financial decisions and that I had no say ( in the deposition he did) so I know that legally I can t beheld responsible for the debt of his company...His layer thinks I should just hand him the house and het nothing and no alimony and no attorneys fees paid .. No No and NO...

The positive in this was I was annoyed that I just stepped up this step out of the valley and now H is trying to mess with that...

I am gone I am not there.. I am not bothering you... if you wanted me out then enjoy your time alone in your empty house drinking your alcohol and going to bed at 8. I still love him and want restoration but I need to heal and I am hurting .. I just don't want him to add to it, but my realization was my first thoughts were about how I felt and not him...

i mean if you want me out why are you so butt hurt that I have an 8 dollar over the door rack...me I would have just bought a new one and moved on...

I am not scared to go in front of the special magistrate ( he apparently is very conservative and hates divorce, so his antics won't fair well there)  and the threat of costing more will cost H more because his attorney charges more..

It is a scare tactic... I am curious about this list of items he claims I took...but what is the purpose of paying your Lawyer to email and then have a potential motion for an over the door rack????? and while I was able to take all items in hall closets I let the washer in dryer in the hall closet and the vacuum and the entertainment center.. which I will have my lawyer bring up...

Also H told S21 that he can use his tax return to file for school money since he is paying himself a lot less and using his business cc to pay things ( so he is trying to intentionally decrease his income now)

I just hope my lawyer can put a lid on this and that he would just leave me alone until trial... I am not going to accept some dumb offer so make a reasonable one or wait till trial....

so would love to hear everyone insight into H's latest action...



Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #91 on: January 11, 2020, 03:46:20 AM »
Why he's making an issue out of an 8 dollar over the door hanger and a kitchen island he never liked is totally beyond me.
Your thinking is totally logical. He wanted you out so why make an issue out of anything like that?

Glad you got to spend some time with your mom.

Are you sleeping ok?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #92 on: January 11, 2020, 04:38:44 AM »
Hello,

Quote
His Lawyer said that he could not understand why i continued to reject his clients proposal ( of no money for the house and that I would keep my pension and wouldn't have to pay any of his business debt that the offer was too much in my direction his opinion and since they were unable to set a trial date ( they are changing judges so they can't set it for trial oil maybe April) that we could end up in from of the special magistrate again which would run up my costs.

What is the opinion of your attorney? That's what matters.

Quote
i mean if you want me out why are you so butt hurt that I have an 8 dollar over the door rack...me I would have just bought a new one and moved on...

Because it is all about him. He wants it his way and everything to go to his plan. Not yours. Just document everything and let your attorney deal with his attorney. I am glad that you are not afraid. Just enjoy the time with your mother.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready





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Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #93 on: January 11, 2020, 07:38:00 PM »
Seems like it´s his last gasp at control, control, control. If he´s still mr. unhappy pants even with you gone, then how dare you live in peace. Remember, misery loves company. Try to set it aside for your lawyer and instead enjoy the wow factor of having your biological mother come into the picture.
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Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #94 on: January 12, 2020, 02:23:49 AM »
It takes a little while to start answering your own 'why would someone do that?' questions with some version of 'bc they are bonkers currently/want to/feel that way'. Our brain takes a little while to find the middle ground between fear and 'normal' expectations. But with time, you will find that the 'why does he....' matters less, that your peace matters more and you will feel less need to explain or justify your own choices to anyone.

You are doing well, my friend.
Let your L deal with it. Stay away from crazy. Take care of yourself. It will get easier.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #95 on: January 13, 2020, 12:50:36 AM »
@IN it ...I don't know and I have no idea what he is going to submit to his lawyer since I apparently took a considerable amount of things and they will submit this list next week... I think on his lawyers part the email was a threat for me to just accept H offer because for now no trial date can be set due to the changing of judges with one retiring and they have not assigned a judge for family law for any new cases to be set (my attorney said before it would probably be April).

Tresur ...my first response was that I finally took a positive step from the abyss so why not leave me alone... which is a change for me
rather than immediately trying to analyze it.. that can later but was not the immediate thought...

@Ready, my attorney emailed the letter to me and said we would discuss next steps this week.. no opinion... but I know she vacillates between just giving in and doing what I consider to be her job... So I don't yet know what her opinion is on the matter..I hope she says that it isn't a big dealing she will handle it... I am sure I will have to respond to the "list" as she doesn't know what was and wasn't moved out...but I hope she tells me this is just a scare tactic and that she plans continue to fight for me to get what I deserve...
I have to email her back and think I will go ahead up front and tell her that this is bs and that I want her to fight that I am not giving in to his bs...

for the trees.. I do agree that he is trying to gain some kind of control since I am gone and I assumed it would be legally...

While I am not scared about this, it is weighing on me as I was unable to go to sleep until 4 am last night.. S21 was here till shortly ago so was up late with him tonight.  Since I go back to work on Tuesday I am going to start using my sleep meds to help for now.. I plan to start using the gym where I moved this week... I think that will help me to focus on myself again one more step to self care...

S31 told me that H is probably have some realization that he has lost something (not necessarily feeling anything  but he is probably still angry blaming me for the kids not interacting with him and my S31 said in his opinion H is probably feeling that I took away his favorite toy and put him on restriction since I continue to refuse H's offer which is preventing him from achieving this elusive happiness he will find when the divorce is final....



Caroline

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #96 on: January 16, 2020, 10:30:50 PM »
So i got the list of the things I took from the house that I wasn't supposed to take...
the island, the pantry shelf, toilet cleaning supplies, squeegee for cleaning the glass shower door, bath mat, bathroom trash can, toilet paper, dry goods, olive oil, spices, other cleaning supplies, said I left holes in wall where I removed decorations.. and my scale.. we have an employee program that we get a free scale and it is registered to us so when we step on it , it sends our weight... it is registered to me through my work... he is beyond ridiculous...

His lawyer said that if not returned H wants him to file a motion... so he wants to pay his lawyer 400 an hour plus court for $100 of stuff??
He is also lying about bed saying I am behind two payments one check was already cashed and the other one was mailed on Dec. 27th but they haven't cashed my check. All I can do is write it and mail it..
But he also refuses to give me the log in information so he says he wants the bed back...

Thought he was supposed to be so happy without me???

I also know he already purchased a bath  mat, a bathroom trash can etc... he never cleaned the house, never would use the squeegee... I am just annoyed...

I am supposed to get a call from my attorney tomorrow.. but I responded to each item

They again mentioned that they can't set trial date since judges are being changed ( I have know this for a few months) so is his lawyer that far behind the information ... well H can settle but he won't...

This is hard enough .. if he doesn't want me and he wanted me out... why doe she continue to stir up more issues... He could just wait of the court date and not have to interact with me at all... but that is not what he plans to do apparently...

Hope my attorney can just squash this but guess I will be back in court soon if he files a motion... Just don't know what he is trying to accomplish.. but guess i am trying to figure out this is my logical brain...which can't make sense of chaos...




Caroline

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #97 on: January 17, 2020, 01:47:52 AM »
It is called "trying to maintain control." you see, he "doesn't wannt you in his life" but he sure as Hades doesn't want you OUT of his sphere of influence either.

I hope your lawyer is capable of telling HIS lawyer to put his list where the sun doesn't shine with the sharp corners exposed using your responses to each item....

Or, as they say, tells him to go pack sand...
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Offline Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #98 on: January 17, 2020, 02:12:50 AM »
UM is quite right. Probably best not to try to find logic where there isn't any but to see it a bit like a toddler having a tantrum. Let your L have the basic facts and deal with it, Caroline, and stay detached from his emotions bc they don't belong to you and they won't make sense to any rational adult.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #99 on: January 17, 2020, 04:32:11 AM »
 :So has he made contact with you?
Do not respond or reply to him at all.
If it doesn't make any sense, it's all about control.
Yes he should be happy, but there's types seldom are unless of course they are making some else miserable.
You need to sleep don't allow his childish tantrums to interfere with your peace..
Something for the short term may help a non addictive sleep aid.
And another thing if their lips are moving they are lying.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2020, 04:44:16 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #100 on: January 17, 2020, 05:25:53 AM »
I have to believe that a judge would be might pissed off if someone brought suit over toilet paper. There are consequences for tying up court time over frivolous matters and this seems to qualify. Let him pursue his TP. You could represent yourself over TP. Your ex will just get a reputation at that court that will hurt him in any future matters. I think this falls under the category of vindictive control. It is only useful in that it gives you a horrifying view into his mental state and that is only useful in that it is a siren telling you to stay away.

Either his attorney is a jerk for being willing to file over TP knowing how much that will cost your ex or the atty. will refuse to do it and tell your ex to find another atty. Just imagine how many rolls of TP you could buy with $500.

Argh.
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Online Milly

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #101 on: January 17, 2020, 05:17:59 PM »
Everyone else has already given you great advice. Watch out for these MLCers, they love to go to court for stupid stuff, makes them feel in control. Unfortunately even great lawyers are happy to make money. But it will cost you, too.

Your H making these stupid demands is just a baby wanting any attention, even negative one. He's lost control of you and is doing anything to get your attention. Ignore him. Actually, zipnore him: zip your lips and ignore. No point trying to reason with a baboon, and the more you answer his requests, the more he gets out of it.

Whatever communication you have, let it sound like you are writing to someone in the office you are not particularly friendly with, and whom you don't know enough to trust. Be formal and cordial.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
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D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #102 on: January 27, 2020, 07:14:07 AM »
I am sure that H lawyer is making plenty of money from him. He had already paid him 13,000 when I have paid 4,ooo and currently owe 2,900. Big difference and my counselor said H lawyer is basically rapping his client with this last request.. of course he could be telling H that it won't fly but he is not listening... who knows...

H does not contact me at all so need to be formal or business like as he is  not trying to have any type of contact. H does not ask S22 about me or anything to do with the pets etc... I still think it is weird that after what began a daily occurrence from him has ceased with the exception of the "list" and his attempt to claim I am not paying for the bed. ( I can't control that the company I am mailing the checks too is taking forever to cash  my checks... I am mailing them onetime, and of course since it is in his name I cannot call to inquire etc.

My dad who was a divorce attorney said all I would have to show the court is the duplicate of the check I wrote to prove when I sent it...

I am slowly digging out financially .. still don't have any extra... so been stuck in the house... I need to find some free things to do... Kinda finding my self somewhat depressed....

I have had a few days especially at night when I am really missing him... I know he is not ok still.. ( or he wouldn't be wanting to talk ehe to court over toilet paper.) but I haven't spoken to him since Dec 26 and haven't seen him since my s22 and I ran into him new years...

It is hard not to wonder if he misses me... or if he feels anything...

I am trying to figure out who I am and what I like and at the moment I just don't have any ideas yet.. guess that will come

How did you all discover new things to do and try?
Caroline

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #103 on: January 27, 2020, 07:31:17 AM »
How did you all discover new things to do and try?

Oh yes, the 24,000 <currency of your choice> question....

For me, it was going back to things I had given up doing while in the marriage, especially things that I enjoyed that xW was dead set against. It took a few months initially after I was in my own 4 walls to get up the courage to face some of my old (and neglected) friends and groups I was once active with but, bless their cotton socks, they all welcomed me back with open arms. After that, I started accepting invitations that I had previously (for the sake of xW) always said "No thank you" to like going out with the rest of the people on the parents council at my daughters school for a dinner after Christmas or to the summer/Christmas office parties, going swimming at one of the local lakes with other friends, getting my motorcycle drivers license (actually getting it again since my US license had expired so I got one in Germany)... those kinds of things.

Think about things that you liked to do once upon a time and see what opportunities there are to try them again. Some you will say "OK, that was nice but don't want to continue." Others you might say "YUCK!" and still others might be appealing...

But it is really a matter of sticking your neck out of your shell....

"Behold the turtle, she only makes progress when she sticks her neck out...."
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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