Author Topic: My Story Living in Limbo  (Read 1044 times)

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Living in Limbo
« on: November 13, 2019, 09:35:59 PM »
Time for a new thread!!!

  I was able to get the majority of things from the storage unit and of course when I came to the house with it, he had a a fit. Wanted me to sit in the cold at the storage unit and go through it all. I told him I wasn't going to do that. My attorney had filed a motion about him paying the unit and allowing people in our home without us being home.

They responded to the motion and stated that I don't contribute financially at all to the household. That I have always bought groceries but quit buying them for him when he filed for divorce. (he started eating out and after a month of cooking and throwing it out) I quit making him dinner). Then said that I paid the cable bill and said I getting more responsible financially and have reduced the bill to 70 dollars. Well I have been doing better financially but our bill isn't 70 and he doesn't know what our bills are that I pay.

 He said that I have blocked him from exiting the house and that I put my hands on him and scream and cuss in his face, that he sleeps in the bedroom upstairs and that I come in and shine the light in his face, to look for the animals. That I threaten him. Most of the bs in this motion was his accusations from February, and he never slept in a bedroom upstairs, he slept on the couch. And he hasn't slept upstairs since May.

 He said that I told him my place would be ready on December 5th and he is asking the court to remove me from the premises by that date. But he says I can't take anything with me if we don't have property agreement. Again they are asking me to show proof that I have paid a deposit to move ( I don't want him to know where I live) and I am not paying the deposit until the end of November and I shouldn't have to show him anything. And I can honestly say I haven't signed a lease anywhere. My attorney said she doesn't think that I have a reason not to tell them if they ask later that she can object. again why does he want to know where I am moving. and if he just wants me out then why does he care where I go.

 My attorney said that the judge very rarely would make a spouse move without damning evidence. I should be able to stay in the home until the divorce is final if I want. But I can imagine the tales will be wild again. I have been trying to keep everything calm prior to this wedding, but it is getting so challenging.

The response was sent last week but I just go tit, so he doesn't know I got it, but I came home and removed all of the Thanksgiving decorations and he just watched me every move I made. I never said a word to him and just went upstairs when I got a call from my friend and stayed up there until he went to bed.

I guess it is just one of those days that even though I know I am strong and I will survive , I still ask why this is so hard and why does it have to hurt so much, frustrating to be so lonely and missing him knowing he is in the next room,... I  know it is because I love my husband ( even though he is not that person I fell in love with at all right now).

Can someone attach my other thread? Please and thank you!

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10723
Done - UM



« Last Edit: November 14, 2019, 06:14:08 AM by UrsaMajor »
Caroline

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2019, 04:42:44 AM »
He's seriously lost the plot, hasn't he?

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline Watcher

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2019, 07:06:05 AM »
Hi Caroline,

I agree with Acorn's comment on ShockSis thread. MLC is irrelevant at this point. I had a nasty/controlling MLC experience with my W and now she is attempting to be just as nasty and controlling with the divorce.

They never stop with the control it seems. Mine is controlling our 2 sons. You know, she will use anything to destroy or defeat me. That's her objective. That's his objective. They have to win.

Also, they certainly do not like that we are "getting away" from their reach.

The MLC will run its course. You and I have to survive first. So NC is probably the way to go but that's your call. It works wonders for me.

I'm a firm believer in if they come out of it then they will let us know. I have no worries about that. So it's time just to focus on yourself and let him go on his way to rock bottom glory without you. Good luck.  :)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2019, 07:24:42 AM »
Hi Caroline,
I’m concerned enough about your situation as to repeat my post from another thread.  I hope that’s alright with you.

Here it is:

Caroline, you have described what one calls a ‘nasty divorce.’  I feel uneasy about your safety...   
His actions show emotional abuse in extreme.

It might be beneficial for you not to frame any of his mean words and actions as some kind of MLC process or symptoms because that may impede your ability to see the reality of his abject cruelty toward you.  MLC is irrelevant.

As NYM alluded, it does not seem to be about him finding it difficult to let go of you or that he feels some positive connection to you.  It’s all about him.  He is being nasty and cruel because he is.  It is not about you. 

I must say that I have seen enough similar cases not to read anything good but meanness (some of it even criminal) in his behaviour.   That’s my take for what it’s worth.

——————

There is no excuse for his behaviour.  You have no need to reduce in your mind his 100% personal responsibility for his behaviour, MLC or no MLC. 
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 07:26:08 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2019, 07:34:27 AM »
I just wanted to add something here to what i said on the other thread because I don't want to give you the impression I am saying to wait it out rather than divorce. I said that about my own husband a simply because he is a bit zombie-like at the moment so it is more a hypothetical for me. But your H seems to be quite in charge of his facilities in terms of being able to plot and manipulate the situation and that is worrying. SS's comment that his brain is not "functioning properly" gives it a much more neutral spin than it deserves. This guy is trying to destroy you.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 07:36:29 AM by Not Your Monkey »

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2019, 08:04:26 AM »
I agree with NYM.

Do NOT confuse what's going on here with an MLC. The guidelines or the way to "pave the way" according to this site do not apply.

There's no caring where he is in the "process". Even if it IS an MLC this is unacceptable behavior he's displaying.

You are being abused and it only gets worse once they get themselves into this kind of state. I agree this abuse is intentional. Not some fogged up brain excuse.

 It's time you got yourself physically safe. You cannot fix this and you must not feel sorry for him. if you have a place to move to on the 5th you may want to check into a hotel before then or stay with a relative or friend  if possible. Take all your personal papers ,clothes you need whatever is sentimental to you and leave when he is not home and don't tell him you are doing it. No note nothing. I'm concerned about your physical safety.

If it seems an overreaction you can make or accept apologies later.

Don't answer you phone texts or anything. You need to be somewhere you can think straight and not be emotionally manipulated.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 08:47:15 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2019, 08:43:45 AM »
I agree Caroline,

MLC or not, he is being abusive and there is no way you need to take that.
Watcher is right, if you have read any of his threads his W if very abusive and controlling.
 
These are the types you can not trust, their anger goes off the charts, so there may be more than just a crisis going on here.  Watcher got out and away from his W and crazy MIL and is doing so much better.
That's what we want for you.

Just keep yourself safe, Caroline, we care.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2019, 08:46:02 AM »
Hi all moving the discussion to my thread.

@Watcher
He is trying to control my daughter (from a previous marriage ) as she is very narcissistic and will do anything if you give her money which he is doing. I have been no contact with him since I received these papers. Will be easier once I am able to move out. He does seem to want control and seems to hate that I am wanting to move out. It seems he wants to flip the switch to me wanting to move out on my terms to him having me thrown out so my leaving is on his terms.

@Acorn and NYM,
It is so nasty and I do feel that it is emotional abuse. I have been trying to not rock the boat and more than necessary since my daughter wedding is the 30th. My attorney plans to file for divorce for me based on inappropriate sexual conduct and also send the OW a letter to cease coming on our property the Monday after the wedding. I know he is going to be livid, and feel even more loss of control since I will be filing for divorce from him, but my lawyer said it will help me get my attorneys fees paid and a possible one time alimony payment for moving expenses. I plan to go to the domestic violence center this week to see what resources they have in place because he is abusing me and I think you all are right I have watered his actions down and believe that my love for him has colored what I am seeing. In my heart I have asked myself multiple times why he is trying to destroy me, so you are so right about this and I don't think there is much he won't do at this point.

@ In It
while I know he is not himself and in MLC. He is also very vindictive and his actions are very calculated IMO. I am really realizing that I am being abused...

I have gone from minimal contact to NC since Wednesday. One of my concerns is that my lawyer says that I don't have a valid reason to not tell them where I am moving to. Tomorrow in court I can say with honesty that I have not signed a lease yet. The townhouse becomes available while I am in Texas for the wedding. So I sign the lease on November 26th.  I plan to at least spend as much time there as possible until I can move my property which I would just come here to sleep and just won't say that I have a place yet. My attorney is submitting another property agreement since his layer says he wants one. But think it is for show to say he is trying but I doubt he will agree to it. My attorney said it is not that we are moving closer each time, his are completely different each time.

I am worried that he will have me followed again by a private investigator to find out where I live when I move. But I have already ordered a security system and my sons are going to install it before I move in. I know too that the boys only visit the house because they come to see me, and that once he realizes that they are going to go NC after the wedding and I move.. I am sure he will blame that on me as well...

@NYM
I do know you were not saying not wait it out versus divorce .. I don't want a divorce but I believe that I cannot fix him by staying and that he will have to come to terms with himself and God before he could ever be the man I deserve to have in my life... I don't think remaining in the marital home will help that.. I think I can faithfully stand for my marriage in my own place and beginning my healing and leaving him to head to rock bottom all by himself.. I believe he is just going to get worse going forward...

Thank you all so much.. i needed the reality check and the support.. I needed the virtual hugs too!!



Caroline

Offline Acorn

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2019, 08:54:24 AM »
You are listening to many advices here and take what’s relevant to you.  Wise lady.  Since you appreciated hugs, here are some more:  (((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

I’m sure you are documenting all of his horrendous actions. 
Did your lawyer suggest that there is enough evidence to file for a stay away order after you move out?
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2019, 08:56:04 AM »
Caroline, your lawyer must not understand what is going on, because you have every reason to not tell him where you are moving.  It's for your safety.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2019, 08:56:25 AM »
Tell you're stupid lawyer that you are being abused and afraid for your own safety THAT's why you do not want him to know where you are going.
If that lawyer hasn't figured that out by whatever papers your H's lawyer has already sent, you need a smarter lawyer.
If your H was being abused as he says he's been..don't you think he'd leave? But he's not, he's staying and he's projecting his possible behavior on you.
So before this escalates PLEASE see if you can find a different place to live sooner than the 5th. You have a right to feel physically safe.
Don't worry about him blaming you for anything.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Loyal

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #11 on: November 17, 2019, 09:08:08 AM »
Caroline, so sorry you`re having to put up with this crap. I`ve just read several of your posts and your H seems to be one of  the extremely abusive, nasty and manipulative MLCer`s that may very well start abusing you physically as in my case.

There are a few of us whose whose MLCers fit in the same category as yours and talking from experience, your H is out to destroy you in his present state of mind and won`t give any peace and quiet until he`s accomplished just that, which is why you have to protect yourself  and look after your own best interests.

It`s also very inportant that you remove all things (personal possessions, passport, bank statements and all important documents) that he doesn`t get his hands on them. You probably think your H would never stoop to such a level but my MLCer not only stole many of my possessions  but also removed one of my business files.

So before this escalates PLEASE see if you can find a different place to live sooner than the 5th. You have a right to feel physically safe.
Don't worry about him blaming you for anything.

« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 09:26:14 AM by Loyal »
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

"Surrender to what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be"

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #12 on: November 17, 2019, 09:32:30 AM »
Caroline, run your situation passed someone in Domestic Violence. They will identify it for you, if that will help.

If you google the Domestic Violence Power and Control Wheel you may see you situation there. Or look up what are the signs of Domestic Violence. Or Abusive men. Or even the question Am I being abused? There might be a check list.

Please do not be ashamed of this. It happened to quite a few of us and we just kept ourselves believing it was something else entirely.
MLC or whatever anyone what's to believe it is?

YOU do not need to put up with any of this. abuse or go through any more mind games manipulation or BS.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #13 on: November 17, 2019, 09:46:02 AM »
Strong hunch that after you visit the local DV center, they will be willing to support your unwillingness to reveal your new location to your spouse. Though, it will show up soon enough on a people search function. To avoid that, try to get a post box for your mail, a letter from the DV center to support having your address for electricity, water, sewer, wifi, etc. only listed with a link to the PO Box. When you do a mail forwarding, start it now with the PO box already set up. If the only link between you and the townhouse is a lease, then he cannot find you. Alert your employment that you now use a PO box and not to reveal anything about you.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #14 on: November 17, 2019, 09:53:02 AM »
I don't think she truly understands because she said she could objet but that we don't have a legal reason not to tell them.. I think we absolutely do have one...

I am going to talk to her tomorrow and make her keenly aware of this .. I am not worried about it for tomorrow since I have not signed a lease I can say that I have not made a final decision and that his delays and lack of willingness to agree to any property agreement on personal property  has impacted my ability to determine an accurate move out date.. I also plan to tell them I am looking at a job in another county and that it would be financially detrimental to sign a lease at this moment ( I did look up one so I won't be lying about it in court) plus pointing out that he is trying to make me miss my daughters wedding to move on his date....

Of course I am signing at the end of the month when the townhouse is available...
Caroline

Offline Acorn

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #15 on: November 17, 2019, 10:00:08 AM »
I don't think she truly understands because she said she could objet but that we don't have a legal reason not to tell them.. I think we absolutely do have one...

I am going to talk to her tomorrow and make her keenly aware of this .. I am not worried about it for tomorrow since I have not signed a lease I can say that I have not made a final decision and that his delays and lack of willingness to agree to any property agreement on personal property  has impacted my ability to determine an accurate move out date.. I also plan to tell them I am looking at a job in another county and that it would be financially detrimental to sign a lease at this moment ( I did look up one so I won't be lying about it in court) plus pointing out that he is trying to make me miss my daughters wedding to move on his date....

Of course I am signing at the end of the month when the townhouse is available...

I’m ridiculously happy to read this, Caroline.   :)
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2019, 10:13:50 AM »
Caroline, I am concerned for your wellbeing too so i am glad to hear that you are seeing the abuse for what it is. And that the reason why matters much less right now. Some of your h's behaviour is very peculiar indeed...and I agree with others that it is about control. Which is the core of abuse imho.

I think the suggestion about getting support from local DV folks is a solid one and hope you do this asap, if only bc it would frame your lawyer's POV and advice better. I have the sense that you are still trying to keep various balls in the air as if you were dealing with something more 'normal' and capable of fair mindededness -  the wedding, your plan to return to the house to sleep, the legal responses and possessions etc. You may need to consider letting some of these play out differently in order to keep yourself safe....? Jmo. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this but others here have been where you are.....have had to make tough short term choices sometimes...but they have survived and prospered and you will too.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 10:15:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline Watcher

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #17 on: November 17, 2019, 10:18:55 AM »
Caroline,

My W contacted the local DV group to use against me. Now that's part of her destroying me campaign. I think hers is called Women Aware.

She made it clearly known to me during our June court proceeding which I took as a threat.

Yea they will do anything.

My attorney says they do offer valuable advice. So it's worth looking into.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #18 on: November 17, 2019, 11:08:08 AM »
Yes I would rethink ever going back to the house once you leave it. To sleep or even to get anything.

After you leave if or when you have to go back to get anything, take someone with you. Even better, contact your local authorities to go with you. Have someone there.

I know this sounds extreme ? But you cannot trust him anymore. Better safe than sorry. Err on the side of caution.

If he starts trying to get buddy buddy with you? Do not believe it. He's trying to throw out a crumb to reel you back in and mess with your head.

You are in a whole different category now.  No more poor Hubby and MLC. OK? This is about you now Caroline.

Read sweetie, read online about abusers.

You may think he'll have no problem with you leaving.? Or coming back and leaving again?
He will, he'll be losing more control. He'll hate that, then try to control you. It could end up with you getting hurt very badly or worse.

I didn't think the ex would have a problem with it. 
I was wrong, and that mistake cost me a visit to the emergency room for ex-rays plus years of trying to recover from the damage that was done.

Don't be me. Be smart and aware. Take the focus off him and put it on you instead.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 11:24:07 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #19 on: November 17, 2019, 12:05:37 PM »
Why would the court care where you move?  They don't. There should only be a move out by xx date(if you need to have one) and  of course a date to sell the house by or divide the assets by.  There should be a support amount to start being paid by xx date.

All the things your Hs L are asking for is spaghetti against a wall and I am not impressed with your attorney's responses to the crazy.  Overpriced used furniture in exchange for everything else? That is so funny! I'm not sure what state/country you live in. Not community property I assume?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #20 on: November 17, 2019, 12:08:16 PM »
Also, I hope you are storing your valuables elsewhere as people have told you. My XH would sneak into the house while I was at work and take MY things. (Then got mad when I changed the locks...go figure ;D)
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline terrified_in_TN

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #21 on: November 17, 2019, 03:29:42 PM »
I don't think she truly understands because she said she could object but that we don't have a legal reason not to tell them..

I am not a lawyer, and I apologize for not knowing your story or background, but I don't think there is a legal obligation that requires you TO tell him, either.

I could see complication if you had small children (again apologize I don't your the details of your situation), but even THEN I don't believe there is any legal requirement for you to do so.

About the only thing I can add is your MLCer can range from very mild, in which case, being kind, paving the way, etc would apply, to extremely violent in which case you need to take steps to protect yourself.

I don't want to scare you, but often times nobody thinks anything violent will happen to them, especially from someone they have known most all their adult life, until it actually does.

Hugs,

-T

Online in it

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #22 on: November 17, 2019, 04:20:12 PM »
Also although not as common. Or maybe even less reported.Men do get abused. And there are places they to can  go ascertain that too. They can recieve counseling etc.

Abuse once it starts escalates each time you return to the relationship.

That's why when you have the ability to have the abuser (male or female) arrested. If you have actual physical proof of what you are saying.
You do it,  you have them arrested go through that process so they feel the consequences of their behavior.

You cannot worry about what anyone thinks including your kids. You are being a role model for them. Someone abuses you no matter who it is? You do something about it if possible.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 04:53:51 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #23 on: November 18, 2019, 05:47:08 PM »
Update after court....

We got to court and they were in the mediation area and not in the courtroom... they wanted my attorney and me to come in, she put me in the courtroom. She told me that they were just going to  try to intimidate and bully me and she wasn't going to subject me to that....
They said they wanted to see if they could reach an agreement for me moving out... dumb A$$ that is all I wanted right now is to move out and take my things... so he had too pay more money to do that? I guess so he felt more in control... Wonder why he chicken out going before the judge?

well he caved on it all but 2 things.. the bed which I agreed to take over payments... and the stove... but my attorney is making him pay for his part of the health insurance which is 193 a month and the bed is 325... he wanted the bed but didn't get it

The only win he got was a date for me to be out... I am leaving sooner than I said so he won't know...I said I would be moving out Christmas break which begins on the 20th but I am going to move out the 13th... less chance of him to monster...

He demanded to be able to use the bathroom in the hall and not the master.. and I use the hall because I am claustrophobic and so now I can use both and he can only use the hall so if I am in the shower guess he will have to pee in the front bushes again...


The judge told us both that we had to be considerate and amicable so if he violates that he violates the court order now..
when they walked out my attorney overheard my H complaining and his attorney said it is too late now...so he already isn't happy

I also went to the domestic violence center today and so they have me listed as a client... they gave me ideas for maintaining my privacy when I move...

I plan to stay NC... I just have nothing to say to him.... Right now even though he didn't gain today I did... I still feel like he won since I am leaving even though I don't want my marriage to end.. but there is no working on a marriage with a man who is living with a goal to destroy me...

just makes me wonder what is next to do to me on his agenda as I am sure he is planning it now...

Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #24 on: November 18, 2019, 07:04:38 PM »
Good leaving before that date is good. I know you know this but: Do not let him know where you are going or where you are.

You are dealing with an insecure coward so do not be afraid. Just use your head.

 My suggestion to avoid anymore damage being done to you can change your phone number. I know that's a pain right in the butt...but I'm more then sure you might be in for a major hoovering at some point....he's going to try to suck you back in with overtures, lies, wanting to try to settle something without the lawyers, subject you to monster or the pity party whatever he can to keep you engaged.

You have a lawyer now everything goes through her. (I'm glad she realized what's going on and protected you by putting you in the courtroom.)

If you don't want to change your number and let the phone ring, give his number a different tone. Just don't answer it. Let him leave whatever messages and texts he wants to. DON'T listen to the messages and don't read or reply to the texts.  Let your lawyer listen to them or a friend. You are on an evidence collecting mission.
Treat him like a total stranger. Time to ice over.

If he harasses you ( ANY unwanted contact with frequency)  press charges against him. That might eventually lead to an order of protection.
Document everything.

He may even stalk you..showing up places you might be. You may have to stay aware.

While you are still there get the make, model, color and plate number of the car. Memorize the plate so if you see a car that looks like his you can identify it.

You are the one who is leaving because he wants you too, and by now you want to. To harass you after you leave means he's trying to control you. If he can't control you physically he'll try to get some kind of emotional reaction from you. If you answer the phone he may record you by saying something that makes you angry then try to get charges pressed against you for being unstable crazy or whatever else he can think of. So do not answer his calls. This isn't an MLC.

 When you have some peace and are able to reflect back you may realize just how bad for you the relationship was. No contact is no picnic but is necessary for your own well being.

Sleep. get good sleep It's sooo important...eat healthy and take care of you.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #25 on: November 19, 2019, 11:17:40 AM »
Well he has already begun the process to "set me up" . I found an indoor camera that rotates in the room he is sleeping in... He bought it on 11/2 so I don't know if it has been somewhere in the house already. It is in a bag and not set up but I am sure after the court issue yesterday that he plans on trying to catch me doing something wrong to tell the court.

I emailed my attorney about this since he always tries to talk amy dog in the room with him and I have to go get her. I am sure that he intends to try to catch me coming in his "protected space" to get her. So I asked her to communicate to them that he can't take her in there.

Everyday it seems to get one more step worse... So glad I am getting out and going before he expects me to leave... 

AT the same time... I find myself really beginning to grieve ... This is so hard and I know each of you understands.. Today is one of those  days to just make it through one minute at a time....
Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #26 on: November 19, 2019, 12:05:31 PM »
Oh noo Caroline  I know I started grieving ohhh sweetie they get entirely freaked over that. ENTIRELY freaked.

There's nothing wrong with you..you aren't crazy. You're are grief stricken and you need privacy and you need to get away from him.

He'll be calling the troopers to take you to be evaluated at a mental health center because you are crying..sweetie really as soon as you can leave. You need to. They don't understand it's the end of everything. And it doesn't matter anyway they don't care.. :'( :'(

They don't feel anything. No compassion, no sympathy, no empathy. No regard for you as a human being. To him you will appear weak. And he would ramp up the abuse even if you didn't cry to where he finally made you cry. They get off on it. I know it's sick but that's who they are and you have to remove yourself from being anywhere near him.

He is heartless and soul less and you need to leave. He cannot even hear you whimper or he'll continue to abuse you worse.

This is all so very hard and it looks like with the camera etc he's trying to set you up.

Sweetie please is there someplace you can go? Take your pet and leave? A Motel 6? Anyplace?

« Last Edit: November 19, 2019, 01:21:24 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #27 on: November 19, 2019, 12:35:17 PM »
Well he has already begun the process to "set me up" . I found an indoor camera that rotates in the room he is sleeping in... He bought it on 11/2 so I don't know if it has been somewhere in the house already. It is in a bag and not set up but I am sure after the court issue yesterday that he plans on trying to catch me doing something wrong to tell the court.

I emailed my attorney about this since he always tries to talk amy dog in the room with him and I have to go get her. I am sure that he intends to try to catch me coming in his "protected space" to get her. So I asked her to communicate to them that he can't take her in there.

Everyday it seems to get one more step worse... So glad I am getting out and going before he expects me to leave... 

AT the same time... I find myself really beginning to grieve ... This is so hard and I know each of you understands.. Today is one of those  days to just make it through one minute at a time....

Caroline,  I know others have pointed out that his behavior is concerning, and I have to say I agree.  This sounds very aggressive.  Please be on guard and continue to make note of this behavior with your attorney.  It may work to your advantage in the future. 
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #28 on: November 19, 2019, 12:46:30 PM »
Well imho opinion Caroline you have to leave there's no telling how low he will stoop.
There's no good reason to subject yourself to abuse while you are greiving.
You need a safe place to do that in and it's not there.
Use your head, he's not worth it.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #29 on: November 19, 2019, 07:05:20 PM »
I am grieving but internally. He has seen me cry twice since this began. Once when we got in a fight after I found out about the affair ( which was quite awhile ago) and a few weeks ago when I found my birth mom and he knew that was why... But I am not going to cry in front of him at all.

I personally don't want him to know that he is hurting me.

I have already begun to take steps to be safer here... I am locking my door at night. I am going to be packing a bag to keep in my car.  The lady at the center gave me things to think about and some steps to take to help.

I think the grieving is coming from realizing that I won't be seeing the man I love everyday and that I won't live with him, that my marriage is ending.... But I can't help him, I need to take care of me... and this is not the man I married or have spent 24 years with...

I have other things to implement as well form there suggestions.
Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #30 on: November 19, 2019, 07:57:05 PM »
Yes keep your door locked.

This "man" that chooses to abuse you, your love, your care concern and your heart is the one who is there.
He doesn't deserve you.
And no you are right you cannot fix him or help him. He needs to be left on his own.

He's a big boy he'll figure it out. Don't worry about him. He'll learn how to do things for himself. Maybe he will grow up? Maybe he won't. Either way he has no right to treat you badly.

You do not deserve to be abused. Maybe read some articles about how to detach. Or maybe something online about the mindset of people who have been or are being abused.
The longer you stay there you may be more traumatized then have more trust issues to deal with later.

Do not  place your trust, faith or anything optimistic in regards to your relationship or whoever he is now.

Keep yourself safe.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #31 on: November 25, 2019, 02:32:00 AM »
Just checking Caroline..is everything ok?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #32 on: November 25, 2019, 02:37:00 AM »
Checking in too...let us know how you are if you feel able? You are in our thoughts here.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #33 on: November 25, 2019, 08:13:41 AM »
I emailed my attorney to find out how long I had to remove my clothes from the guest room where he is staying since it is exclusively his now... and about him taking the dog in there since he had that camera...

My attorney took two days to send it by then I had removed most of my clothes but he responded to his attorney with a nasty email saying I even took the toilet paper out of the bathroom.( funny since I use that one too,just needed to buy more) Then when he came home.. he was lviid with me that he had to pay his attorney 400 for responding (hello??? you were the one who started this and have spend 13,000 on your attorney and now you are worried about 400, and he is probably angry that I preempted his plans of "catching me with his camera". ) I also called him on the fact that he is recording stuff.. he said yep I have plenty... I know he has himself talking to the dog.. but since I am not mean to you... you have nothing... he just wants to put me in a position to worry...

He said we needed separate areas to sleep because of my allegations of him physically harming me.... I said from the fight we had in February and he said no what I said in deposition...I said what did I say (because I am not going to say it to his face)... he said because I would not say where I was moving... I said I said that because I don't want you to know and you don't have the right to know.. he said I don't want to know , I don't care where u live.. I said then quit having your attorney ask me where then and  He had nothing left to say...

The clothes I removed were on garment racks in the hall ( and in his way) then he says he was going to buy me racks but he has been sick and then moved furniture around in his office area so my clothes could be in there (I think he wanted me to think he was helping me) I know better... he wasn't too sick to buy the camera though....

But I am ok.. just emotionally challenged right now... I am going from being excited about the move to being sad that I won't be with my husband anymore... (I know that I am not "with him" right now and that we are just physically present in the same house and he is not the man I married either) just figure that it is normal that I am sad that I am going to miss even seeing the "shell" . I am packing still but stressed since it is all coming so fast now and the process is so emotional, I get stuck. I texted two of my friends to come help me with no response... maybe I need new friends... This part right now is so overwhelming.. trying to go through it all, get rid of stuff and pack it right... Moving alone is hard enough... not to add all of the rest of it...



Of course my daughter wedding is this weekend, I am very happy for her but she is very narcissistic and I know that she always blames me for what ever she can and even if I am silent she will find something... she already says my dress is too fancy but she would say that about a burlap sack.. emotionally I am a mess and having to be there with his parents, him and dealing with her will be a huge challenge...

But I will just keep my headsets in as much as possible and know that it will be over Sunday and then I get to get the keys to my new place on Monday..

I sign the lease tomorrow... honestly nervous..... it is a huge step and I feel like I am not standing for my marriage by leaving, but know I can stand being away and it would continue to get worse if I stayed... just hard since I don't want a divorce...

of course I got the crud yesterday too... and so on the emotional rollercoaster right now...

And of course in all this, it is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it feels like he is winning since he "now wants me out" and wants a divorce ... I logically know that I have done all that I can to save my marriage, that this is not about me, that I have two of my kids supporting me ...  I am pretty sure that he will still be coming home getting drunk laying on the couch falling asleep, watching tv and going to bed at 8:30. he will still lead the same dull existence he is without the pets or me there and the house will be basically empty) I am not worried about him just am sure that his quality of life will not change when I leave) and the magic fairy of happiness that he expects will rain down on his life when I leave... will not appear)

it just sucks.. but I know all of you know this... just helps to write it to get it out of my head...

I know I need to move out to begin to heal and help me to really detach.. hard to detach when you are constantly having to look over your shoulder for the next crazy thing you have to protect yourself from...

I have even set up an appointment for a mechanic to check my car for a tracking device when I am ready to move.. security system arrived yesterday will be the first thing installed...


Thanks for checking on me.....



Caroline

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #34 on: November 25, 2019, 02:33:25 PM »
Might be worthwhile to be sure there´s no tracking app or install on your phone. If you share a plan with him, now would be a good time to get your own plan.
me 51
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M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #35 on: November 26, 2019, 07:09:21 AM »
Might be worthwhile to be sure there´s no tracking app or install on your phone. If you share a plan with him, now would be a good time to get your own plan.

If you are an Android user, Google does a lot of tracking all by itself but that can be shut off. It is, however, active my default so you need to intentionally shut it off.

A BF of my cousin was also able to follow her whereabouts based on her iPhone (pretty creepy when she was visiting me and gets an e-mail asking how was Paris when we were visiting... She thought it was amusing... I didn't).....
Me - 56
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #36 on: December 02, 2019, 08:16:22 PM »
Checking back in ...

The wedding is over and it was absolutely beautiful! Since it was outside.. we were worried since it had been overcast all day..
The sun came out 20 minutes before the ceremony and it stayed so nice! I survived the trip there and back with H. He had one glass of alcohol once we left Wednesday until we returned home yesterday. H was very standoffish most of the trip, but he began to open up a little each day. Some of the things I did notice is that he had to communicate with me since we only had one car and had to coordinate picking up cake, food, people from the airport, and being places at certain times.

I know others have asked how the MLCer can function in the real world and I got a front row seat to watch it.. I was amazed how "normal" he acted around his parents and others.. It is no wonder they don't think anything is wrong with him... they live in another state so they have only seen him twice during this whole thing... It sure makes you question your own take on everything.. but then I remember all of the crazy bs that he does when no one else can see...

I told a story to my S21 and his girlfriend at dinner on the trip about when we were dating when my D got pancake syrup all over him. H did not respond or react like he always used to ( i wasn't surprised) then a day later I heard him retelling the story to one of the grooms family members the night before the wedding and laughing about it.. (so he was listening)

Another thing I noticed was that he told our new granddaughter that our D got lost at his wedding when she was the flower girl (he didn't know I was near enough to hear) and then later when he told someone else.. he said at the last wedding I was at with D she got lost...( he knew I was in the room this time) my d said to him that was your wedding...

On the trip back he was cordial but could tell he was gearing himself back up to be distant again...

He left as soon as we got home to go get alcohol.

Tonight he came home with new vitamins and stuff he said to help his digestive system and helps with his mood...but was very talkative and I did as someone suggested on this site and just mirrored him with level of communication.

I took the day off today to recoup and pick up my keys to my new townhouse. I took a car load of things over. I put in shelf paper, and put up plates and cups and put together my new floor lamp ( lamp was a win today) it was $80 and then went up in price to $100.. it was on sale today for 70! :)

I plan on taking over a few boxes each day and unpacking them to make it easier when I do the big move the end of next week.

I am hoping to leave here on a positive note... but know that 1. he is already violating the court agreement since he now doesn't want the health insurance and he will find out he still has to pay until I can cancel him.. ( which might take a court order) and also when the neighbor gets the letter from my attorney telling her to stay off my property... I am sure those will rile him up...

This is all so bittersweet.. my leaving him and moving....but I have to remember that this wasn't my choice .. he made these decisions and that it isn't about me... My job right now is to try to find some real peace when I am in my own place ...

I do believe that God can restore my marriage, but that is not possible with his current state ... and I asked God to block my move if that was not part of His plan.. and the way cleared and I believe that my moving is part of His plan for my life and it is what I need.

and as always who knows what mysteries MLC land will reveal tomorrow but for now... I am thankful that we are being cordial, I am progressing toward my move, and I now have a son in law and 2 grandchildren.. it is so nice to have these positives..
Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #37 on: December 02, 2019, 08:51:07 PM »
Good Caroline I do believe God either clears the way or blocks it..as frustrating as that might be sometimes.

Now maybe you have some answers as to whether they can control their behavior or not. As you can see a difference in how he is with other people and how he is with you. Seems to control himself just fine with others ( it's a show he puts on)

I'm so glad you will be away from him and his energy soon.
I'm excited about your townhouse. peace yes you need peace and time to yourself.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Treasur

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #38 on: December 03, 2019, 12:51:06 AM »
They cycle, Caroline, so please keep your guard up before you move out. And do not let your brain persuade you for one minute that any of the crazy s$it you have seen your h do was not real bc it was. As init says, they control the masks they wear in front of others and use them to gaslight you. Do not gaslight yourself.

I think you will find the peace of feeling safe in your new home surprisingly powerful. I did not realise how much I had adapted to living with an underpinning of fear until I moved to somewhere safe. It was like my body and spirit breathed out.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #39 on: December 03, 2019, 08:13:46 PM »
Well H attorney sent an offer to my attorney today...

He keeps house equity and debt for house
He keeps his own debt
He keeps his debt he has for our youngest sons school
I get the sleep number bed( that was already decided in court a few weeks ago) but he now says he will pay for it, but i have to transfer my annuity worth more than is owed on the bed to him
He keeps his business and the debt for it
I get my pension..

I emailed my attorney back and said rephrase it how you want but He** no!

When I talked to my oldest S he said I figured he would do something like this .. I said why.. he said because you all actually got along and now that you are home.. he has to find a way to erase the positive and try again to get rid of you with some BS offer

I agree that he will definitely continue to cycle...

Took more from storage and set it up in the townhouse... and have loaded my car with boxes to take tomorrow...

One step at a time..

I know while I have done some focusing on myself... I have focused on H too and guess I needed to for me to know that I have done all that I could to save my marriage... still don't want to give up hope.. but living somewhere else will help me try to focus on me....

Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #40 on: December 04, 2019, 04:02:12 AM »
Yes it will help. You did all you could. Now when you get away from him go no contact , focus on you and then address this "offer" he's made you. ::)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #41 on: December 04, 2019, 03:20:57 PM »
Zinus makes the most comfortable mattress I´ve ever slept on for a bargain price and they sell the frames for it too- compare the zinus price with the amazon price and let your h have the bed- he can pay you 1/2 of its value.

Hope you´re locking the car after loading so he can´t put a tracking device in there.

Anywho- hope you are enjoying creating your own peaceful sanctuary.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #42 on: December 04, 2019, 07:35:35 PM »

@forthetrees right now I have no extra money... I have having to work a second job to make enough for the haul next week... The security deposit and rent over 3,000 wiped my savings out....and I am working on trying to rebuild my credit so I cannot buy a new bed right now... but he agreed in court that it was to go to me...He is just mad about it....He knows that I have been bad with money in the past.. but my credit is improving and his is getting worse because he has paid so much late and run up all his credit cards...not my problem...

Well he is on the MLC cycle train... Tuesday he ws concerned about eating healthy and working on his mood ( though not giving up alcohol)
and today he came home at 11:30 am sick slept all day ...I came home and started packing the kitchen and had to run out for an errand and when I cam home he left to go eat out... running again...

When he came home I asked him to help me with something ( I needed him to help me lift the table on it's side so I could take off the legs, it is extremely heavy). He said you really want me to help you after what you did today. I told him I didn't do anything. He said that because I paid the bed late that it cost his business $1,000 .. ( the loan is personal) it was due yesterday and he said it already went on my credit. ( I know it didn't). I said I got paid Friday when we were gone to the wedding and I did not have a check book. I asked for the log in to pay it online and you said no. And he said and your never going to get the log in. I said well that meant I had to mail check when we returned on Monday. SO it has been mailed. also on a side note the statement he provided from two months ago has a fee for him paying it late.. the irony...

Then he said I cost him $600 for his attorney to deal with the insurance crap. when he doesn't want the health insurance anymore. I told him yo can't request me to drop you on Thanksgiving day and think that the check that I get the next day will not deduct your insurance. ( court agreement was that he is to pay me his portion of the health insurance and bottom line... he didn't pay it....and I am holding him accountable.

So he said that he fired his attorney and he is hiring this other law firm to handle the divorce. Well one that will delay it further ... it also is interesting that the firm he identified that he says he hired handles only bankruptcy and not family law... he is ridiculous.

I said no more and was mature in my responses.

But on a positive note... uhaul is scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday next week.... I packed much of the kitchen tonight and took down a set of drapes. Since he wouldn't help with the table I just put it in the living room so I can use the dining area for boxes.

So I am packing as quick as I can and I dropped off a few more boxes at the townhouse....

It still seems surreal that I won't be living here after next week... and  it is so bittersweet......and vey emotional....I am trying to make sure that I keep my emotions in check around him ( don't want to start crying around him now)

I am really gonna miss the shell and and the man that I married even more... but I just have to remember that I did not make this choice and its is not about me...

I know that the initial transition is going to be hard and I am so thankful that I have you all for support...



Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #43 on: December 05, 2019, 01:38:13 AM »
Caroline,

The first week I spent in my new flat was a complete Mindfiretruck... On one side, I was so tired form the moving and unpacking, I fell asleep often when I'd sit down in the living room to drink a coffee... and wake up with a massive panic attack because of not having the faintest idea where I was for several minutes at first.... It was deathly quiet although my dog was still there but that was a change from 2 kids and 2 dogs... It was crushingly sad to be alone after 17 years of marriage, even though the woman I had married had long before left the building ... But there was also a sense of calm and peace that pervaded as I was no longer in the crosshairs of crazy, I only had myself to answer to, to be responsible for (until I got the kids' rooms set up and they started being with me overnight), I no longer had to walk on eggshells or avoid certain situations like being in the bathroom at the same time or trying to be polite and friendly to someone dead set on ignoring me at best or being snotty and snarky at worst.

It takes ... yep... THAT word again... TIME to adjust to the new situation but I have the feeling that you will be a whole lot more relaxed in short order once you are safely within your own four walls...
« Last Edit: December 05, 2019, 01:39:18 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #44 on: December 05, 2019, 09:42:43 PM »
Ursa,
 That makes so much sense and i imagine that may be exactly how I feel.. with the exception of no kids...

Mine are all grown.. so the silence will be defining for awhile...

My struggle in my mind right now is that I need to pack, I need to go drive to earn extra money and I need to unpack at the townhouse... but my heart wants me to sit in the living room with him because I have 6 more nights and then I won't sleep her anymore... I will have to come back to get more stuff but will mostly be during the day when I am off for Christmas break and he is at work...

I am guessing my feeling is normal... just my internal heart struggle today...

Right now I need to just put one footie front of the other and give myself grace right now...
Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #45 on: December 06, 2019, 04:13:50 PM »
Caroline, you describe so well those last days in the family home, and the last evenings shared with your H. I'm sure many LBSs will recognize what you're saying.

I would like to add weight to what UM said, in that his experience once he had moved, was pretty much like mine. I found that the sadness at facing the move, and the anticipation of having to leave my family home, (aggravated by the actual physical move itself), was far worse in the time leading up to the move, than once I was in the new place. I was surprised the first morning I woke in the new place at the sense of lightness I felt. It was much more peaceful, no eggshells, could do whatever I wanted, and I did. Changed things, made things a bit more like when I was young. There is much to be said about not having to see our Hs with their angry faces and the chance that anything can cause them to insult us, just like your H accusing you of paying the bed late and costing him, when he refused to give you the online credentials, which he can so easily change any time he wants. That was really passive aggressive of him. You won't have any of those angsty feelings in your tummy any more because he won't be in the room with you to make you feel bad about yourself. At least this was my experience. As much as I missed being married to my H, I did not miss living with the man he'd become the last few years before he left. My life is not what I wish it to be at the moment, but it is soooo peaceful.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #46 on: December 06, 2019, 08:19:45 PM »
Yes that first night alone in my apartment I comforted myself with the thought.
I might be alone, but at least I'm not being abused anymore.
I can breathe now.
It was a huge relief.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline CarolineTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #47 on: December 06, 2019, 09:05:52 PM »
I am hanging on for those moments of peace..

All of you warned me that the closer it got to my moving out the more he would act out...

He still thinks I am moving on the 20th but... this morning he informed me that I needed to hire additional counsel that he was filing bankruptcy and he was meeting with them this week...

I emailed my attorney and she said that there was a bankruptcy attorney in their office and we could do a joint meeting...
She finally got an answer to the insurance money.. he is going to have a check to my attorney by Monday... of course he can't just hand it to me...

When I came home tonight our S21 was with me. and he told him that he needed to make sure he was ready to remove all the stuff out of the airplane hanger as he was filing bankruptcy... and once he filed everything would be locked down ... all the house hold furnishings everything....

We mentioned that this coming week is finals week for S21... and he is already having to help me move.. and now he has to worry about moving his airplane because of his dads bs??  Of course when he was telling him.. the kept looking at me in the kitchen because he wanted to make sure I was listening..I acted like I wasn't...

I asked later about transferring my gun to my name... he already agreed it was mine in court and he got snarky and told me to figure out how to do it myself... and to send it through my attorney... but of cours ehe just complained about having to pay his attorney for this stuff...

He said he wasn't going to file until the next week...( when he thinks I am moving).  Glad I will be out before that happens...
He said he was going to file personal and business... so what will he do for a job??? Of course I know nothing about bankruptcy...

We both own the house, but I am not on the mortgage....and the bed which I am getting ( the loan is in his name)... amazing he was so worried about his credit being dinging Tuesday and now he wants to file bankruptcy???

But the more I packed the more agitated he got and retreated to his room...he came out a few minutes ago and then came out again.. and I am packing the cleaning supplies from the hall closet ( mind you he has never cleaned anything) and he said "you know that stuff was not on your list for you to take... I said yes it was it said all items from hall closets. and I walked away...

SO he is really going to point out the cleaning supplies???? What will he do when I take the washer and dryer that are also in there??

But I feel he is escalating each day...it feels like he is purposely trying to  make himself angry...

So peace sounds really nice right now....



Caroline

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #48 on: December 07, 2019, 12:22:00 AM »
Caroline,

"Filing for bankruptcy" really is "filing for bankruptcy protection". It gives a person protection from their creditors while they get their financial affairs in order and make payments according to bankruptcy court. Some debt is forgiven.

As much as you can, please just get out of there. I slept on a blow up bed that I bought at Walmart for months and that worked really well until I got back on my feet. We are all going to feel better once you are safe in your new place.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2019, 12:23:20 AM by Reinventing »

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #49 on: December 07, 2019, 12:48:05 AM »
I am so sorry about this extra chapter in his chaos and self-destruction, Caroline. Your h is at war with the world and himself isn't he? But I am so relieved you are moving out very soon and I hope that you will keep your literal and metaphorical door closed to your h for a while once you do. Reinventing is right - and so is your gut instinct - we will all, including you and your kids, feel better when you are safely away from his anger and unpredictable chaos. This may be a real Christmas gift to you although I understand that it might not entirely feel that way....but removing ourselves from the risk of harm is a healthy choice and a sane one. Stuff is just stuff, and you matter more than stuff. Sending you an encouraging hug x
« Last Edit: December 07, 2019, 12:50:02 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #50 on: December 07, 2019, 02:39:49 AM »
I agree with Treasur.
Even if you say nothing or you react in some way it escalates their anger.  They self enrage and can do it over very minimal things.
If you can start to see his behavior get stranger as it's control issues ( example seeing you packing ) reality is starting to creep in it might make more sense? I

I've found that  if something makes no sense it's all about control. Kind of like he wants this divorce so why is he making a big deal over you packing cleaning supplies.

I'm so glad you will be out of there soon. Stuff is just stuff.Your safety is the most important thing.

I bought a camping cot to sleep on until I got my bed. As long as you have a safe roof over your head everything else can be gotten later. If you feel anything off, trust your gut and get out of there without him knowing about it.

 He's not going to get any better.Just worse.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Milly

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #51 on: December 07, 2019, 03:25:04 AM »
Caroline, I'm so sorry this additional stress has appeared, the bankruptcy. And I'm so sorry for your S21. Poor kid. And it's Christmas. I'm so glad that you planned to move out earlier. I hope this gets you away from the disaster once everything is locked down. Such a shame the amount of destruction so many of these MLCers can do to their families and themselves. So many on here have been through bankruptcy, repossession, had absolutely nowhere to live since they couldn't afford to rent either. And this is after years of hard work and sacrifice.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Living in Limbo
« Reply #52 on: Today at 03:39:53 AM »
Caroline,

Maybe this is pure speculation but....

Is his intent to declare bankruptcy, coupled with telling your S21 at this particular time, while watching you to see if you were listening, all part of the MLC-script ruse to get you to react?  I would NOT put it past a bat-snot bonkers Mid-Lifer to completely concoct such a story for the simple reason that it fills their need for drama... The fact that he is nit-picking about the contents of the hall closets would tend to add to this theory... To me, it feels as if it is a desperate ploy to keep you from moving or somehow control things over which he no longer has control...

Naturally, it could also be that he has run up so much debt in his crisis that he has to file for protection

You have already spoken to council about his threat so that is good. They are already informed if he DOES go down that road....

the sooner you are in your own 4 walls and away from the insanity, the better...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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